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Bob Hope 39-55 41-03-11 (103) Guest - Dizzy Dean
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Bob Hope 39-55 41-03-11 (103) Guest - Dizzy Dean
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Big news. Wayfair's end of season sale is here. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance. Right now you can score up to 70% off everything home at Wayfair. Plus amazing doorbuster deals and 24 hour surprise flash deals on home buys in every style. This is your last chance to score end of season savings and it's happening now. Did we mention fast shipping on everything? Don't wait. Head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70% off now through September 2nd, Wayfair every style, every home. The Pepsidan show starring Bob Hope. We're not one for bragging, but if your party's lagging, just remember where there's life, you'll find. Bob Boy, thank you so much. How do you do ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob way out West Hope who says if you want to be a western pal to your gal, you just say, listen Sal, use Pepsodent and you won't have empty molars in the old corral. Or this is Bob Income tax Hope telling you we're paying more taxes and using more Pepsodent this year so we can be armed to the teeth. Yes sir, I've been busy all week trying to fill out my income tax. This is the time of the year we all try hard to make deductions on our income tax. It's like trying to tilt a pinball machine with Morgenthau sitting on the end of it. I sent Henry Morgenthau a big tube of Pepsidin so I can clean him while he's cleaning me. No, really. I went down and paid my tax the other day without a single complaint, without a whimper, and in two more days the novocaine should all wear off. And I happen to mention to the income tax clerk that I was working for Pepsoden. Clerk says we have a little radio program of our own. It's called Truth or Consequences. But when it comes to income tax, I'm lucky. I'm living in California. Where else could I take off $5,000 for umbrellas? I shouldn't say that because the weather is beautiful now. We're now having the kind of weather we weren't having when we said we had it. Weren't we? But the sun. But the sun has been shining beautifully for a whole week now and I've got a wonderful tan on my face. That is the part above the water line. Sun finally came out. A Democrat took his first look at the sun, smiled and said, I knew Roosevelt would come through. But really it's Amazing what happened on Sunset Boulevard. When the water finally went down, they found two taxis, three buses and an octopus who'd taken a wrong turn at Redonda Beach. At least the rain fills the with beautiful flowers. This is the only part of the country where you can pick water lilies and sit on the roof at the same time. And the fruit packers out here have a new idea. This year the oranges are all stamped. Grown in California in spite of everything. But regardless of the weather, they always dress the same here. Back east, everybody bundles up in the cold weather out here. When you see a guy with an overcoat on, it means he hasn't been to Santa Anita. And it's wonderful the way you can pick oranges right off the trees out here. They told me at the hospital as they removed the buckshot. But gee, the way things grow out here in California. Why, only last week I planted a little bit of a tree and already it's dead. I want to. And everything in California grows so fast. In fact, every time the stork delivers a baby, he throws in a package of blue blades. I'll be back. Every time the stork delivers a baby, he throws in a package of blue blades free. I should have gone to the third grade. They told me Miss Swell there but this. But I want to tell you, this is beautiful country out here. And what a view from Hollywood Boulevard. I'm doing great tonight, huh? I got a nice throat, too. I wish my agent had 10% of it, that's all. But what a beautiful view from Hollywood Boulevard. Go ahead. Talk to each other while we rehearse, will you? I'll start over. This is beautiful country out here. And what a view from Hollywood Boulevard. Where else can you stand in the street, look up and see snow covered mountains and have your pocket picked at the same time? Thank you. I'm glad it's over, too. Mr. Hope? Yes? Mr. Hope, I represent the Rainy Day Savings Association. Yeah? What do you do, save them up and send them to Florida? Oh, no, no. You misunderstand, Mr. Hope. This is about money. Have you enough money put away for a big rain? No, but I've got quite a bit. I've got quite a bit. I have you enough money put away for three Jer lines. I'm lousy, Mr. Hope. I'm simply asking a very, very question. You think I was wearing my galoshes over my mouth? Wouldn't I? I would like to talk about money, Mr. Hope. If you feel anything, I'd cut in anywhere. It's all right. Have you enough money put away for a big rain? No, but I've got quite a bit put away for a drip. And I do mean me. Surely, Mr. Hope. You must have heard about that old saying, take care of the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves. That's the way to make both ends meet. I knew there must be an easier way than the way they do it on the massaging table. Well, I can see I'm not getting any place with you. But how about you, Mr. Baker? Do you know a good thing when you hear about it? I should say I do, brother. That's why I've been so hepped up on Pepsid and antiseptic. You see, you can save real cash when you use it because it lasts three times as long and makes your money go three times as far. Now here's the reason for that. Pepsidin antiseptic, even when diluted with two parts of water, kills germs in seconds. And even after the dilution, it's a more effective germ killer than many mouth antiseptics used full strength. A United States government ruling provides that when the word antiseptic is used on the label, the product must kill germs. Standard laboratory tests are used to prove the germ killing properties of all antiseptics. Now, many antiseptics do no more than just pass those tests. But Pepsidin does more, lots more. It passes these rigid tests even after it's diluted with water. So there you are, ladies and gentlemen. You can have the protection of Pepsidin antiseptic and at the same time save money because it lasts three times as long. For these raw, changeable days, it's a good idea to have Pepsodent antiseptic in your home. Use it as a gargle frequently. All you have to do to have this protection is phone your druggist and order a bottle of Pepsodent antiseptic. The kind that lasts three times as long with a twist of the wrist. With your lips that insist with that come hither look in your eye Just when I think we threw you do magic and make me love you at the drop of a ha. As easy as that with the merits attempted aside when I'm sure you untrue you do magic and make me love you yes, I'm just after all at your best and your things will never be for you and me all over With a twist of the wrist I'd be back on your list it doesn't matter how hard I may try how can I get away from your Very dislike. Crazy ballure. With the twist of the wrist on your. With a twist of the wrist. Your lips set in chin Baby, I see that look in your eyes Looking at you there is nothing to do but love you at the drop of my hat Easy as that. Stop that sighing Never untrue It's the magic of you. I love you. Yes, I'm just after all at your beck and your call Seems twill never be for you and me Fall over With a twist of the wrist I'll be back on your list doesn't matter how hard I may try. How can I get away from your very persuasive aloof With a twist of the rib. You ought to know my meaning that this Baby, I'm your. Yes, sir. That was Skinny Ennis and the six hits and a mist singing Twist of the Wrist from the sensational New York production, Crazy with the Heat. Say, Bill Goodman. Oh, hello, Bob. You know, Bob, it's kind of tough getting back to work after all the fun we had over there at Catalina Island. Oh, it sure is, Bill. When we got there, did you see those pretty girls in short bathing suits standing with the ocean in back of them? Oh, was that the ocean in back of them? Gee, what a place that Catalina is. And those girls over there are so young and fresh, you know, just like Little Bud. Yeah, I saw you trying to collect a corsage. Say, how big was that bathing suit your girl was wearing? Well, my girl's was even smaller. You know, Bob, if girls bathing suits get any smaller, they'll have to go in the water. I thought it was darn nice of you though, to take your girl on that swell boat trip to. Kids. Catalina always nothing. Gee, she rose well, doesn't she? She could have done better with oars. Say, say, you disappeared that first night, Bill. Yes, I did, Bob. I wanted to be alone, so I just sat in front of the window in the dark for hours, just staring out. Gee, could you see her from your place too? I spent the next afternoon lying in the warm sun. Did you see me out there? Yes, I saw you all right. Was that a bathing suit or a bet you had on? Why, it was a bathing suit. Did you think the sleeves were too long? Well, yes, I did, Bob. It'd be nicer if you let your fingers show a little. Gee, what an old fashioned suit. Why, Goodman, I thought my bathing suit looked very modern since I had the skirt shortened. I think it looks better above the knees. Say, Bob, did you see Skinny Ennis in his bathing suit? He's thinner than I thought. Yeah, he's the only man I ever saw swim out of his bathing suit without touching the sides. Ginny Ennis made a big mistake. You know, he walked out on the shore and opened a big beach umbrella. It was too bad it was such a windy day. Yeah, but I hear he made a wonderful landing at the Union Airport. Say, by the way, did you see me swim underwater? Bob? Yeah, you were good at swimming underwater. Where'd you learn to grab your nose and hold it so long? I've been on this program three years, and he asked me a question like, say, but I'm glad we went over to Catalina. Those little trips really helped me. I wonder where I should go next. I say, I wonder where I should go next. No coaching from the audience, please. Say, Rob, did you see the Chicago Cubs training over there? Sure, Bill. That wasn't a very high fence. I even brought one of the Cubs back with me. Ladies and gentlemen, as a special treat, it is my pleasure to present one of baseball's outstanding pitchers and personalities at present in training with the Chicago Cubs at Catalina Island, Dizzy Dean. Thanks, Bob. Well, how are you, Dizzy? Fine, but don't call me Dizzy. Why, I thought everybody called you Dizzy. They do, but somehow in this program, I resent it. You see, it's only my bullpen name. Well, if it isn't Dizzy Dean, what is your right name? You know, the name on your bank account, on the checks you sign. Oh, that's Mrs. Dizzy Dean. Dizzy? You actually mean she wears the baseball pants in your family? Yeah, and on her. In this town, they'd look good. Say, you're playing with the Chicago Cubs, aren't you? You know, Dizzy, I was just thinking. You. You with Mr. Wrigley and me with Pepsin. We're both living off gums, aren't we? Tell me, does Mr. Wrigley make you work during the off season? Does he, Bob? You know those three little green men that dance around advertising his gum? Why, yes. Well, this winter there were four of us. Say, Bob, you seem to enjoy it when you. We're over watching our spring training. You ought to come over and visit me on again on the island. Maybe next Friday. I can't, Izzy. That's the day I visit my brother on his island. By the way, do you know my brother Daffy? What do you do? Use your own punctuation? Listen, Listen. When I see a coma, I emphasize it. What's that? When I see a coma, I emphasize it. Coma. I don't like to get personal. Did you have a room with Maxi Rosenblum? Only when I went to Harvard. Let's get back to the adult stuff. Say, Dizzy, I was sorry to hear you had a little trouble with your arm. What was the matter? Well, my doctor thought it might be a bad tooth. He wanted to pull it, but fortunately a friend of mine had told about Pepsident toothpaste. Yes, yes, Go on, boy. On this program you have to sweat for your money. Listen, I know a lot about baseball myself. When I was a kid, I used to pitch for the Eagle Knob Skunks. Remember that time? Remember that time I met you? I was with a skunk stand and you helped me quite a bit. Shucks, Bob, that was nothing anybody could have told you about Lady Esther. Well, when I played ball in those days, I used to have trouble with my batting. I'd always swing and miss. Did you ever connect? Yeah. One day I hit a long drive to the outfield. I slid in the first, then I slid in the second, then I slid in the third, then I slid in the second. Why'd you go back to second? For my pants. I got to be a pretty good batter, though. One thing those pitchers couldn't do was scare me away from the plate. I remember one fella threw a ball straight at my head. What happen? I heard a rhapsody. Say, Dizzy, while you're here in Hollywood, is there anything I can do for you? There sure is, Bob. I'd really like to meet Hedy Lamar. Hedy Lamar, huh? Well, take a train to Kansas City, Diz. The line starts there. I've been meaning to ask you, Bob. What's all this I hear about Hollywood wolves? Oh, that's just a guy that likes to walk down Hollywood Boulevard and look at all the pretty girls and wants to talk to them and get to know them. Well, I'll be darned. I'm a wolf. You know, Diz, you'd be pretty popular with the girls if you were as big and strong as I am. Are you kidding? Wait a minute, Dizzy. I think I'm as strong as you are. Let's shake hands and see who has the strongest grip. All right, put your hand in mine. Now squeeze. Now, will you put it in my pocket for me? Thank you, Dizzy. Dean and Dizzy will be back with us in a few minutes, folks. And now a funny little story about a funny little fellow whose name was Alexander. The Six Hits of the Miss Pauline, Professor Colonna, Bill Goodman, Brandon Kabina and Skinny Ennis's orchestra will help me tell you about Alexander the Swoose. Here Comes little Alexander. What a funny looking gander. He's half swan and he's half goose. Ha ha ha. He's just a goose. Oh, Mother, Mother, Mother Goose. Why am I not like brother goose? The other geese just laugh at me and call me a catastrophe. Alexander is a tooth smooth. Alexander is a spoon f 1/2 goof. Alexander is a sloot. Whenever they play hide and seek I hide my head. Cause I'm a freak. To say my pappy was a swan. A good for nothing vagabond. Swoop. Smooth Alexander is a swoop. Alexander is a spook. Big feet, big feet. Alexander is a freak. They're so unkind. But I don't mind their slander. I'm just disturbed because I heard they're gonna cook my goosey gander. Guess you'll have to run away. We know what they'll do if you stay. I'd rather be a refugee instead of chicken fricassee. Swan, swan, alligator. Half a swan. Swan, Swan, alligator. Half a swan. What would I be if my father were a gopher and my mother had been a raccoon? Now let me see. A cabin. A half gopher and half raccoon. Gosh, that makes me a goon. Check. Goose. Goose. Alagan's a half a goose. Goose, Goose. Alligator. Half a goose. Suppose my mother was a bear post. My father was a stag. I'll run that down. That's half badger and half stag. Oh, sister, that makes you say. You're lonesome, aren't you? They're unkind. You need not mind their slander. You don't need to be disturbed. Gonna cook your goosey gonzo. Now, supposing my mother was a dragon and let's say my father was a skunk. You have that, but that's half dragon and half skunk. You dig me? Oh, brother, you. You ain't sober, are you? Huh? Now, on my father's side, I'm a jaybird. And they say my mother was a turkey. I died very young. Oh, no kidding. Half jay bird and half turkey. That doesn't make me very perky, does it? That's our lesson for today, teacher. Can't we go and play? Yeah, but look. What's half swan and half a goose? We don't know. Oh, what's the use? What are you laughing at? Clona Wayfair's Labor Day clearance is here right now. Score up to 70% off everything home. Plus fast shipping on everything right to your door Shop now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home rose is your name. But when you poop, it sure don't smell like roses. You're not but two burns the hair in my nose. But we fault hand in paw. Now your poop don't stink at all. Now that the air is clear. I'll treasure your front and rear, my sweet Ro Instantly neutralize poop stink with poop fighter from world's best cat litter. For the world's best cat. Alexander is. Oh, you can really empty a studio. That Jerry. That was the entire mob. And Jim the cop, ladies and gentlemen. Bob, who's that girl over there at the piano? What's she doing all alone? She looks like she hasn't got a friend in the world. Gosh, I feel sorry for her. As a matter of fact, she hasn't got many friends. Swell kid like that too. I met her for the first time at Helen's about a month ago. Well, what's the payoff? Well, we were telling all about our lives. Heart to heart stuff, you know, Would have been okay over the telephone, but not face to face. That's a darn shame. Yes, it is a shame that anyone need suffer from this kind of a whispering campaign. Especially when it's usually so easy to avoid. There's no trick at all in keeping your breath sweet and pure. Why, in just a few seconds, Pepsodent antiseptic makes your mouth feel refreshed and your breath fresh and clean. Here's all you have to do before you go out where you'll meet people. Gargle with Pepsident antiseptic for a few seconds. It gives three times as much safeguard breath protection. Because even when it's diluted with two parts of water, it's still an effective antiseptic. And you can see what this means in money saving. Because it lasts three times as long, it makes your money go three times as far. Now, don't run the risk of offending when it's so easy to guard against it. Just keep a bottle of Pepsident Antiseptic handy as your breath insurance. Get a bottle tonight at any drug. How much longer must I wait? Dizzy. Well, folks, here we are in the ninth inning of this great baseball game. Bob's Hope team is out there in the field. There's the hit. It's a high fly ball. Hope himself is out in the field. He's going to try to get it. He's circling under it now. It's coming down. Is there a doctor in the house? Well, Bob Hope is forfeiting the game. He's Going back to the locker room to see if he can sign up some better players for his ball club. We take you now to the locker room where Bob is trying to sign his star holdout. Sure, Chief. Think he can win? Sure, Chief. Know what'll happen if you don't win? Sure, Super, Chief. Well, then, we're ready to draw up your contract. Dizzy. Here's my lawyers, Blitz and Barney Dean. How'd that Barney Dean get in there? He owns a fountain pen. Now, Dizzy, if you'll just sign this. Now, wait a minute. I won't sign this baseball contract. Hope I don't like it. Why, there's nothing wrong with that contract. I copied it right from the one Paramount gave me. That's what I don't like about it. Why should I have to carry out the garbage? I don't carry out the garbage at Paramount. My nose turns up like this. Naturally, I don't know whether I like this contract or not. Where's the part where it says how much money I get? Right there. Right there in the white print. Now, come on. Now, come on, Dizzy. Sign up. And remember, you'll have to abide by our training rules. You can't go out with girls, understand? Listen here. If I want to go out with a girl, I'll go out with a girl, see? Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Has she got a friend? Never mind. Never mind. I ain't gonna sign. Listen, Diz, you better sign with me. Because right now my assistant is in New York trying to sign up one of the greatest baseball players of all time, Babe Ruth. Hello? Great news. This is your assistant, Colonna, and I'm in New York talking with the Babe. She said no, Professor. You're supposed to be signing up a baseball player. Well, I have. I've just signed up a trained bear to play second base. A bear? Culloda, that's dangerous. Nonsense. This bear is trained, and I've got him eating out of my hand. In fact, I'm going to feed him a little piece of candy now and he'll eat it right out of my hand. Yeah, Nice bear. Eat this piece of candy. Yes, boss. I've got him eating right out of my shoulder. How do you always get in the foolish predicament? I got a season pass. Well, you know, Diz, I don't really don't need you. I'm negotiating with another great picture pitcher. Do you ever hear. You ever hear about Skinny Ennis? Sure, I know all about Skinny Ennis. Isn't it a shame? I'll get a biz Hello, Hope's Pepsin and Polecats, our catchers fly, our pitchers mysterious, and we expect to win the world. Serious? He's delirious. Listen, Hope, great news. I just found a baseball pitcher who can pitch a curve, a spitball, a drop and a fastball all at the same time. Professor, in order to do that, a player would have to have four arms. That's impossible. Hear that, Joe? Is it impossible? Well, stop shaking. One head yes or the other one no. Professor, you signed up a baseball player who has two heads and four arms. Yes, two arms face one way and two arms face the other way. It's wonderful. What's so wonderful about it? He could scratch himself any place. Kelowna, you irked me. No, you work me. You're a bigger irk. They did look out the window. Here come the pitcher and catcher. Kelowna signed up for me yesterday. Let's listen to what they're saying. Brenda. What is it? Colvina, isn't it? Well, us being baseball players. Yeah, but you take the game too seriously. What an argument you gave that umpire because you didn't like his decision. Oh, I didn't mind his decision, but I got awful sore when he dusted home plate with my hair. Yeah, at least he should have taken it off your head first. Corvina, do you really like being a baseball player? Sure. Oh, I haven't had so much fun since I was in Seattle during the blackout. Oh, gosh, baseball players. It's so romantic. I was out with a baseball player once. He was with a Yankee. With the Yankees? Where'd you meet him? Walking through Central Park? No, marching through Georgia. Say, you went out with a baseball player from the House of David, didn't ya? Yeah, he had a great big bushy beard all over his face. Did your neck with him? Yeah, it's the first time I ever kissed a guy and had two helpings of shredded wheat. Oh, you know, every time I wanted to kiss him, every time I wanted to kiss him, he'd cry so hard, tears rolled into his beard. Well, what did you do when you wanted him to kiss you? Oh, I just say, shoot the shrubbery to be blubbery. Oh, come on. Here's Bobsy's office. Let's go in. Hello. Hello, Bobby. Oh, hello, girls. And when I call you that, I'm spreading propaganda. Hey, what is this? Oh, Dizzy, let me introduce you formally. These are Brenda and Cabina. Hello. Nice to meet all the DiMaggio boys. Hey, Dizzy, just put your arms around my neck and show me how to Play bass. Come on, put your arms around my neck. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's not baseball. Every game I try to play, some wise guy's got an umpire. Now get out of here. I've got to talk to Diz. Say, Diz, now that I see what kind of baseball players Kelowna sent me, there's nothing I can do but hire you at whatever salary you want. It's my only chance. Well, Bob, I'll sign, but only if you give me a salary of $50,000 and 10% of the gate on weekdays and 15% on Sundays. Okay. Gosh, Bombsy, how are you going to figure that out? Oh, don't worry, Kabina. I've got this automatic adding, subtracting and multiplying machine here. It'll add up those figures in the jiffy and I'll finally have Dizzy sign. Here goes. I press the button on the adding machine. Anybody got a pencil? Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Next week we're going to have a big show because we're going to have the groaner old Bing back here and we're really going to do a little road of some kind. I don't know, but Bing Crosby will be here next week and the regular gang good night. Don't forget next week. Ladies and gentlemen, Bing Crosby and Bob Hoy. This is Bill Goodman saying good night for capsulence. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Rose is your name, but when you poop it sure don't smell like roses. You're number two Burns the hair in my nose, but we fought hand in paw. Now your poop don't stink at all. Now that the air is clear, I'll treasure your front and rear, my sweet Ro. Instantly neutralize poop stink with poop fighter from world's best cat litter for the world's best cat.