Bob Hope Show 41-05-06 Ep033 Frances Langford-Premiere USO Broadcast

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio – Bob Hope Show 41-05-06 Ep033 Frances Langford – USO Premiere Broadcast

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Original Air Date: May 6, 1941
Summary Date: January 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features a classic 1941 broadcast of "The Bob Hope Show," recorded live at March Field, a key Army Air Corps base near Riverside, California, for its USO series premiere. Bob Hope, alongside cast regulars like Bill Goodwin, Professor Jerry Colonna, Frances Langford, and Skinny Ennis, brings rapid-fire comedy, musical performances, and military-themed antics directly to an audience of servicemen, blending Hollywood humor with patriotic spirit at the dawn of America’s involvement in WWII.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter at March Field

[01:03 – 05:14]

• Bob Hope launches the show with army-themed quips:

  “This is Bob March Field Hope telling all aviators, while we can't advise you on how to protect your shoots, there's nothing like Pepsodent to protect your toots.” [01:22]

• Bill Goodwin and Bob exchange jokes about the perils (and hygiene) of Army life, referencing everything from flying to bunkhouse fashion disasters.
• The location is repeatedly emphasized as "one of the Army's great flying fields," highlighting the soldiers' warm, comedic interactions with Hope and company.

2. Humor and Satire: Army Life & Aviation

[02:23 – 06:07]

• Aviation hijinks:
  Jokes continue about airplane size, pilots’ nerves, and Bob’s anxiety at high altitudes:

  “I was shaking so hard the pilot cut out both motors and my knees kept the plane in the air.” [03:20]

• Army culture lampooned:
  Anecdotes about rookie mistakes, military bureaucracy, and the generational military tradition:

  “My grandfather was the third from the end in the spirit of Vat 69.” – Bob Hope [05:20]

3. Professor Colonna's “Inspirational” Address

[06:10 – 07:36]

• Jerry Colonna gives a deliberately absurd “inspirational talk” to the troops:

  “Men of the Army...just look at my face. Repulsive, isn’t it?” [06:28]

• Running gags about military ranks and his own idiocy:

  “You’re really a first-class idiot.” — Bill Goodwin
  “Is that better than a second lieutenant?” — Professor Colonna [07:25-07:28]

4. Musical & Variety Highlights: Frances Langford Joins

[08:06 – 14:23]

• Frances Langford takes the stage, sparking a comedic volley about Army romance:

  “I did kiss a rookie. Then a sergeant came along, so I had to kiss him. Then the general came along, so I kissed him, too.” — Frances Langford [08:45] “But how do these soldiers kiss?” — Bill Goodwin
  “Well, the rookies are pretty good, the sergeants are very good. But, oh, that general delivery.” — Frances Langford [08:54]

• Joking about California vs. Florida (Langford’s home), oranges, and Hollywood:

  “Well, anyhow, I bet California has the biggest lemons.” — Bill Goodwin [11:28] “Oh, Bob, you’re just self-conscious.” — Frances Langford [11:36]

• Langford’s musical performance: She delivers a rendition of “Do I Worry?” to enthusiastic applause.

5. Army Recruitment Office Skit

[15:11 – 22:31]

• Hope and Skinny Ennis “enlist” in the Army, encountering farcical examining officers and over-the-top medical staff:

  “Do you drink? ... Smoke? ... Swear?” “No. ... No. ... No.” — Recruitment Q&A, comedic routine [16:37-16:42] “Hope, I’ll get you a white uniform. You’ll make a lovely nurse.” [16:42]

• Comic physical exam:
  Professor Colonna as the army doctor delivers classic slapstick:

  "Take off your shoes. Take off your stockings. Take off your legs." [19:25] “Maybe I shouldn't have okayed that last guy.” — Colonna [19:45]

• Nurse Brenda and Nurse Mia (the “Army of Humane Nightingales”) conduct “kiss tests” on hopeful recruits:

  “When they want to know if a guy is strong enough for the army, they let us kiss him. If he faints, they don’t take him. If he likes it, they shoot him.” [17:56]

• Phone call gag:

  “Why, certainly I'll give you my old clothes. ... What are you going to do with them? ... Oh, I'm going to eat them. I'm a moth.” [20:27-20:45]

6. Closing Medical Mayhem

[20:55 – 22:31]

• Final rounds of physical exam chaos with Professor Colonna:

  “Did you put my instruments in boiling water?”
  “Yes.”
  “Well, throw in an egg. I'm hungry.” [20:08]

• Slapstick about surgery errors:

  “Now help me get my hand out of here.” — Colonna [21:05]

• Physical test with a twist:
  Walking blindfolded to a “window” is played as a gag about army mishaps:

  “You’d be surprised how many patients we lose that wing.” — Colonna [22:19]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Relentless Army Banter:

  “When we got above the clouds, I yelled to the pilot, look at that rosy cloud under us. He yelled back, that cloud isn’t rosy. And pull your head in. Your nose is bleeding.” — Bob Hope & Bill Goodwin [03:45]

• Quips about the Armed Forces:

  “I’m just a plain, ordinary, honest guy. Just look at my face. Repulsive, isn’t it?” — Professor Colonna [06:28]

• Langford’s charm with the troops:

  “As a patriotic American, I did kiss a rookie. Then a sergeant came along... then the general came along, so I kissed him too.” — Frances Langford [08:45]

• Comic Rivalry with Hollywood:

  “Who? Rudy Valli. You know, the man who discovered John Barrymore.” — Frances Langford [11:51]
  “That’s like saying the telephone invented Don Amici.” — Bill Goodwin [11:59]

• Absurd Doctoring:

  “Take off your shoes. Take off your stockings. Take off your legs.” — Professor Colonna [19:25] “Did you put my instruments in boiling water?... Well, throw in an egg. I’m hungry.” — Professor Colonna [20:08]

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Episode Timestamps

• 01:03 – Show opens at March Field; Pepsodent gags and aviation jokes
• 06:10 – Professor Colonna’s “inspirational” speech
• 08:06 – Frances Langford’s introduction and Army romance jokes
• 14:10 – Langford sings “Do I Worry?”
• 15:11 – “You’re in the Army Now” recruiting office skit begins
• 17:22 – Nurse Brenda & Mia perform “kiss” fitness tests on recruits
• 19:25 – Outlandish medical examination scene with Professor Colonna
• 20:55 – Colonna’s botched surgery slapstick
• 22:05 – Blindfold test finale

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Tone and Style

The episode is a buoyant blend of zany wordplay, slapstick routines, gentle ribbing, and topical wit, all delivered in the snappy, vaudevillian style of radio’s golden age. The spirit is light-hearted, patriotic, and purpose-built to amuse and boost the morale of WWII servicemen, with the whole cast trading barbs, puns, and one-liners at a breathless pace.

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For New Listeners

If you enjoy rapid-fire classic comedy, military-era musical variety, and the camaraderie of entertainers supporting the troops, this episode delivers a winning dose of Golden Age radio charm anchored by Bob Hope’s irrepressible showmanship and Frances Langford’s winning personality.

Transcript

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[Bob Hope]

Gentlemen. Yes sir. This is Bob Army Camp Hope.

[Bill Goodwin]

Telling.

[Bob Hope]

All soldiers they may have to shoot in the swamp or march in the.

[Bill Goodwin]

Brush, but if they use Pepsodent, no one will ever have to drill in their mush. Or.

[Bob Hope]

This is Bob March Field Hope telling all aviators, while we can't advise.

[Bill Goodwin]

You on how to protect your shoots, there's nothing like Pepsodent to protect your toots.

[Bob Hope]

Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, a March Field, one of the Army's.

[Bill Goodwin]

Great flying fields, located near Riverside, California. And I want to tell you that I'm thrilled being here, but I'm really here on business. I came up to look at some of the sweaters I knitted.

[Bob Hope]

And what a wonderful welcome they gave me.

[Bill Goodwin]

As soon as as I got in the camp, I received a 10 gun salute, they told me on the operating table.

[Bob Hope]

And when I arrived here, I was dressed Hollywood style.

[Bill Goodwin]

I walked into the barracks wearing orange slacks, a lavender polo shirt and a blue beret. The soldiers saw me and that's all I remember.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, but you should see all the.

[Bill Goodwin]

Airplanes they have at this. There's always a flock of planes humming in the air at all times. Last night I forgot where I was and I was up all night spraying my room with flit.

[Bob Hope]

And today, today I watched them putting.

[Bill Goodwin]

Gas in one of the big bombers and boy, what a big tank. It's really remarkable. Just two pints short of WC Fields.

[Bob Hope]

You know, I'm especially thrilled because my.

[Bill Goodwin]

Brother'S learning to be a flyer at a training Field in Florida. But they must be having floods down there, because in his last letter he said he'd just been washed out at Pensacola.

[Bob Hope]

You know, one of the aviators here.

[Bill Goodwin]

Took me for a plane ride this afternoon. Of course, I wasn't frightened, but at 2,000ft, my goose pimples began bailing out.

[Bob Hope]

Boy, boy, was I nervous up there.

[Bill Goodwin]

I was shaking so hard the pilot cut out both motors and my knees kept the plane in the air.

[Bob Hope]

Then we went into a power dive. I wouldn't say that dive was steep.

[Bill Goodwin]

But it was the first time I ever got hit on the head by my own stomach.

[Bob Hope]

When we got. When we got. When we got above the clouds, I yelled to the pilot, look at that.

[Bill Goodwin]

Rosy cloud under us. He yelled back, that cloud isn't rosy. And pull your head in. Your nose is bleeding.

[Bob Hope]

I said. I said to the pilot, I said to the pilot, how come you're wearing a parachute and I'm not?

[Bill Goodwin]

And he said, well, they need me. Hey, maybe they can use me later. Don't be so happy about it.

[Bob Hope]

You know, Skinny Enna stood in front.

[Bill Goodwin]

Of one plane and someone playfully started the propeller. Cost me $34.75 to bring him back from St. Louis.

[Bob Hope]

And the aviators.

[Bill Goodwin]

Aviators all told me, the aviator. I'll get it.

[Bob Hope]

The aviators all told me they love.

[Bill Goodwin]

To fly out here because it never rains in California.

[Bob Hope]

But they said they like to catch.

[Bill Goodwin]

The fifth columnist who gets up every morning and spreads mud all over the flying field. But all these fellows were glad to see me today. One rookie came running up to me, very excited and said, are you really Bob Hope? I said, yes. But they grabbed his rifle away just in time added.

[Bob Hope]

And another soldier had in big figures on his back. 1,329. I said, draft number?

[Bill Goodwin]

He said, no, that's when I get to the bathtub.

[Bob Hope]

But I am. I'm happy to be here because I.

[Bill Goodwin]

Come from an army family myself. My grandfather was in the army. You know, the drummer boy in that picture, the spirit of 76.

[Bob Hope]

My grandfather was a third from the.

[Bill Goodwin]

End in the spirit of Vat 69.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, they're hot.

[Professor Colonna]

Here, boy.

[Bob Hope]

Come here. Hey, Bill. Thanks, Bob. Well, here we are in Marchfield, and.

[Bill Goodwin]

I want to thank you for driving me up here in your car. You certainly are a speed demon, aren't you?

[Good Humor Man]

Yes. Yeah, on the way back, if you're game, I'll take it out a second.

[Bob Hope]

Bill. I've never driven so slow in my life.

[Good Humor Man]

Oh, it wasn't that bad, Bob.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, no. We drove so slow.

[Bill Goodwin]

Three Good Humor men. Smiles died from overwork.

[Bob Hope]

But I'm glad we're here.

[Bill Goodwin]

These soldiers really love me.

[Bob Hope]

Do you see the way they carried.

[Bill Goodwin]

Me on their shoulders and yelled, we want hope.

[Good Humor Man]

No, no, Bob. What they were yelling was, we want rope.

[Bob Hope]

Well, well, there's one man on this.

[Bill Goodwin]

Program who knows all about army life. Professor Colono. Professor, come here.

[Professor Colonna]

Come here. Cowhide shoes.

[Bill Goodwin]

Professor, how about giving an inspirational talk to the army men gathered here?

[Professor Colonna]

Very well. Lovers of liberty. What's the matter? Can't you afford Esquire? Men of the Army, I know a lot of important men come here to talk to you. And I don't want to set myself up as an authority. I'm just a plain, ordinary, honest guy. Just look at my face. Repulsive, isn't it?

[Bob Hope]

You'd better start all over again, Kelowna.

[Professor Colonna]

Okay, fellow flyers. And you fellows who don't go out on Saturday nights. Now listen, Listen, kids. You want to be good soldiers when you grow up? Well, take my advice and you'll always win. You two can beat a whole regiment single handed like once I did.

[Bill Goodwin]

Professor, you beat a whole regiment single handed?

[Professor Colonna]

Yes, I did.

[Bill Goodwin]

But how is that possible?

[Professor Colonna]

The dice were loaded.

[Bob Hope]

Kelowna, you're a champion.

[Bill Goodwin]

You're really a first class idiot.

[Professor Colonna]

Is that better than a second lieutenant?

[Bob Hope]

Bill? Oh, you like that? A Bill. Goodman, tell the professor what it takes to make a champion.

[Good Humor Man]

Well, Bob, a champion has to have everything he's got to combine all the championship qualities to be a winner. And when you see a winner, you can bet that all those qualities are there. Take the new toothbrush, champion. The PepsiDent 50. Tough toothbrush.

[Bill Goodwin]

Good job. Thank you.

[Bob Hope]

I've been drafted. Now I'm drafting you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like.

[Bill Goodwin]

To present one of the most charming singing stars of radio and pictures, Ms. Frances Langford.

[Frances Langford]

Thank you, Bob. So this is Marchfield.

[Good Humor Man]

Yeah.

[Bob Hope]

Do you like it up here, Frances?

[Frances Langford]

Yes, it's wonderful being up here at Marchfield among all these young men and having you along as contrast.

[Bill Goodwin]

Frances. Frances, I'm not as old as I look, it says here. Say, but these soldiers really gave you an enthusiastic welcome, Francis, didn't they? And you seem glad to see them, too.

[Frances Langford]

Well, Bob, as a patriotic American, I did kiss a rookie. Then a sergeant came along, so I had to kiss him. Then the general came along, so I kissed him, too.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, how do these soldiers kiss?

[Frances Langford]

Well, the rookies are pretty good, the sergeants are very good. But, oh, that general delivery.

[Bob Hope]

Well. Well, they certainly have a swell place up here, don't they?

[Frances Langford]

They sure have, Bob. But I've been wondering where the nearest town is the soldiers could go to when they get leave.

[Bill Goodwin]

Oh, it's about 10 miles away as the crow walks.

[Frances Langford]

As the crow walks?

[Bill Goodwin]

Yeah. There's so many airplanes in the air around here, they're afraid to fly.

[Frances Langford]

Gee, it is thrilling. All the men here fly airplanes way up in the sky.

[Bill Goodwin]

I don't blame them, the way people drive here in California.

[Bob Hope]

Say, did you. Did you see that skywriting plane that.

[Bill Goodwin]

Went up to spell out welcome? Bob Hope you know I arranged that.

[Frances Langford]

Yes, Bob, but they're supposed to spell out those words in smoke. Not by having a soldier lean out the back squirting pepsidon.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, well, Say, was that pepsident?

[Bill Goodwin]

And all this time I thought the colonel was wearing a white beret.

[Frances Langford]

Didn't I see you go up in a plane this afternoon, Bob?

[Bill Goodwin]

Yes, I was, Fran. A terrible thing happened. The plane went into a nose dive and I was left to wrestle with the controls all by myself.

[Frances Langford]

But what about the pilot and the co pilot? What were they doing?

[Bill Goodwin]

Measuring cigarettes?

[Bob Hope]

Yes, sir, we saved that gag for here.

[Frances Langford]

There. Boy, Bob, did you ever make a parachute jump?

[Bob Hope]

Well, I did make a parachute jump.

[Bill Goodwin]

Once back home at the county fair.

[Frances Langford]

You did?

[Bill Goodwin]

Yeah, I jumped out of the balloon, caught a tent and pulled the string.

[Frances Langford]

What happened?

[Bill Goodwin]

My sweater unraveled.

[Frances Langford]

Bob, did I tell you I knitted a sweater for one of the boys here?

[Bill Goodwin]

I know, Francis. I saw the sweater.

[Frances Langford]

Who was wearing it?

[Bill Goodwin]

A corporal and two privates.

[Frances Langford]

Is it too big?

[Bill Goodwin]

No, it barely covered their motorcycle.

[Bob Hope]

By the way, Francis, tell me, why.

[Bill Goodwin]

Were you so late getting here tonight?

[Frances Langford]

I got lost. I don't know these roads so well. You see, I come from Florida.

[Bill Goodwin]

You're from Florida?

[Frances Langford]

Yes.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, I bet you our grapefruit can squirt further than your grapefruit.

[Frances Langford]

I don't know about the grapefruit, but there's one thing I'd like to make clear. The oranges grow just as big in Florida as they do in California.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, anyhow, I bet California has the biggest lemons.

[Frances Langford]

Oh, Bob, you're just self conscious.

[Bob Hope]

Say, did you get started singing down there in Florida, Frances?

[Frances Langford]

No, I was discovered by Rudy Valli. Who? Rudy Valli. You know, the man who discovered John Barrymore.

[Bill Goodwin]

That's like saying the telephone invented Don Amici.

[Bob Hope]

Say, I saw that husky husband of.

[Bill Goodwin]

Yours, John hall over at Paramount the other day.

[Frances Langford]

Yes, Bob. Right now John's making a South Sea picture With Dorothy Lamour. And he has to wear a sarong?

[Bill Goodwin]

Yeah. You. You mean a man is wearing a sarong?

[Frances Langford]

Yes. What was that?

[Bill Goodwin]

Oh, just another shattered illusion.

[Bob Hope]

So? So John and Dorothy are both wearing sarongs.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, that explains it.

[Frances Langford]

Explains what?

[Bill Goodwin]

The other day, I sneaked up behind Dorothy and tried to kiss her. And, boy, did she need a shave.

[Bob Hope]

Hello, Bob.

[Bill Goodwin]

What plays?

[Skinny Enna]

I mean, besides the Road to Zanzibar.

[Bob Hope]

Well, hello, skin.

[Bill Goodwin]

Skinny, this is Francis Langford.

[Skinny Enna]

Boy, you're beautiful.

[Professor Colonna]

Shut my mouth.

[Bob Hope]

Boy, you're really gorgeous. Shut my mouth.

[Bill Goodwin]

Be careful, Skinner. John hall will shut your mouth.

[Skinny Enna]

Say, how about going out with me tonight, Francis?

[Frances Langford]

I've got a husband.

[Bill Goodwin]

I'll get a girl for him.

[Bob Hope]

Skinny, tell me, how do you like March Field?

[Good Humor Man]

Wonderful.

[Skinny Enna]

You know, Bob, I'm gonna join the army.

[Bill Goodwin]

The girls like to see a man in a uniform. Who you gonna put in yours, sir?

[Frances Langford]

Oh, Bob, why do you always pick on Skinny?

[Skinny Enna]

Yeah, Hope. Why do you always have to pick on me? The next time you do it, I'll.

[Bob Hope]

Beat you to pump, you hear? I'll beat you to a pump.

[Skinny Enna]

Man, this is the bravest script I ever read.

[Frances Langford]

What?

[Bill Goodwin]

Skinny.

[Bob Hope]

Skinny, I think you've got a great.

[Bill Goodwin]

Idea joining the Army. I think I'll join the army too.

[Frances Langford]

Why, Bob, I don't think the army would accept you.

[Bill Goodwin]

Oh, the army wouldn't accept me, huh? Why, what has Jimmy Stewart got that I haven't got?

[Frances Langford]

Gosh, this is one of the easiest quiz programs on the air.

[Bob Hope]

All right, Francis, you think I'm not strong, don't you?

[Bill Goodwin]

Just punch me in the stomach. I'll show you.

[Frances Langford]

Okay.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, they can always feed me through a tube.

[Bob Hope]

I know you're all waiting to hear.

[Bill Goodwin]

Francis Langford's lovely voice which is certainly one of the finest on the air. Francis Langford in Do I worry?

[Frances Langford]

Yes, sir.

[Bob Hope]

That was Francis Langford, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Francis Hodel, Eddy Odaledy.

[Good Humor Man]

Wait a minute. What's the idea of the yodel skin?

[Skinny Enna]

I've been noticing, Bill. There's an echo in this place.

[Professor Colonna]

An echo?

[Skinny Enna]

Yeah, you know, a voice that says something over again that's been said before.

[Professor Colonna]

Yeah.

[Good Humor Man]

Well, Skinny, let's keep Bob's jokes out of this.

[Skinny Enna]

No, no, Bill. Oh, really, I'm serious. Now, anyone can make an echo. Come here, Art, and yell something out. You'll see what I mean.

[Professor Colonna]

Okay, Skinny, here goes.

[Bob Hope]

Pepsid and tooth powder makes teeth brighter.

[Bill Goodwin]

Pepsid and tooth powder makes teeth twice as brighter.

[Good Humor Man]

An echo never went to school.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, that echo crossed you up A little, Bill. But it told the truth. What you heard was the voice.

[Good Humor Man]

And now Bob Hope presents his version of you're in the Army Now.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, Skin, here we are at the army recruiting office. Gee, I hope they accept me.

[Bob Hope]

Do I look all right?

[Skinny Enna]

Yeah, Bob, you look all right. Now, put away your compact.

[Bob Hope]

Never mind.

[Bill Goodwin]

I know I look okay, but you're the one I'm worried about. You have to inhale to cast a shadow. I don't think the army will take you, Skinny. Yeah.

[Skinny Enna]

Now, wait a minute, Hope. You may not know it, but us Innis's come from a long line of fighting men. My great grandpappy Ennis helped the south win the Battle of Gettysburg.

[Bill Goodwin]

Skin, the north won the battle of Gettysburg.

[Skinny Enna]

All right, you keep reading your history books, and I'll keep reading mine.

[Bill Goodwin]

I bet you were smashed down South.

[Skinny Enna]

Come here.

[Bill Goodwin]

Let's go in here to the recruiting officer, huh?

[Good Humor Man]

Yeah. What can I do for you?

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, I want to join up. I'm Bob Hope.

[Good Humor Man]

Well, come on in anyhow. A hole in the head is no excuse. I don't think you'll make a soldier.

[Bill Goodwin]

No? Listen, a gal named Frances Langford said she'd admire me in a soldier's uniform. And you can't stop me from joining the Army.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Bill Goodwin]

Wonder how I look in a sailor suit.

[Bob Hope]

Hey, Bob.

[Skinny Enna]

Bob, you ain't gonna let that guy talk like that to you without a fight, are you? Why don't you assume your usual fighting stance?

[Bill Goodwin]

I would, but the floor's too dirty.

[Professor Colonna]

Say.

[Bill Goodwin]

Say, buddy. Please let me join the Army.

[Good Humor Man]

Okay, now for your questionnaire. Do you drink?

[Bill Goodwin]

No. Smoke?

[Bob Hope]

No.

[Bill Goodwin]

Swear? No.

[Professor Colonna]

Fine.

[Good Humor Man]

Hope, I'll get you a white uniform. You'll make a lovely nurse.

[Bob Hope]

Hey, that's the funny gang.

[Bill Goodwin]

Quiet, Skinny, or I'll send you to bed tonight without a transfusion.

[Good Humor Man]

Now, listen, bud, to be a good army man, you gotta be tough, see? What makes you think you can live in a trench?

[Bill Goodwin]

I got gopher blood.

[Good Humor Man]

What about him?

[Bill Goodwin]

He's the gopher.

[Good Humor Man]

Well, I guess you guys are ready for your physical examination now. Dr. Colona will see you later. But first, here come the nurses to question you.

[Nurse Brenda]

Hurry up, Brenda.

[Nurse Mia]

I'm coming.

[Bob Hope]

Kobina, Brendan, Kabina.

[Bill Goodwin]

Hey, are you.

[Bob Hope]

Are you the nurses?

[Nurse Mia]

That's right.

[Nurse Brenda]

We joined the army of Humane Nightingales.

[Bill Goodwin]

The Ugly Buzzard division.

[Nurse Brenda]

Say, tell me, Bobsy, what do you think of Brenda and Mia's army nurses?

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, what was it Sherman said?

[Nurse Brenda]

Oh, I don't remember. I was sick that day.

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, tell me, what do you girls do here?

[Nurse Mia]

Oh, we help out the doctors. When they want to know if a guy is strong enough for the army, they let us kiss him.

[Bill Goodwin]

Then what?

[Nurse Mia]

If he faints, they don't take him. If he don't faint, they take him. And if he likes it, they shoot him. Of course, after Cobina kisses them, they don't even have to bother shooting them.

[Nurse Brenda]

Brenda, I didn't like that remark. You've been getting all the sniffy since your cousin won the Kentucky Derby.

[Bob Hope]

Really? Was the jockey her cousin? No, but the horse won.

[Nurse Mia]

Very funny. The horse that won the Kentucky Derby with my cousin. What a joke. Look, I'm laughing, Darn it. Why don't I let well enough alone?

[Nurse Brenda]

Oh, Bobsy, you don't give us credit for being beautiful. Why, I'm just as beautiful as those movie stars you're always talking about. After all, what does Hedy Lamar got that I haven't got?

[Bill Goodwin]

Nothing but hers looks as if it volunteered and yours had to be drafted.

[Bob Hope]

Listen, girl.

[Bill Goodwin]

Girls.

[Bob Hope]

Listen, girls. I can't waste any more time.

[Bill Goodwin]

I'm going in to see the doctor. Well, here I am, Dr. Colonna. Now, what about the physical examination?

[Professor Colonna]

Ah, yes. Take off. Take off your shirt. Okay, put it on again. It's not my size. Now, Hope, take off your shoes. Take off your stockings. Take off your legs.

[Bill Goodwin]

Take off my legs? Colonna, no normal person can take off his legs. No, of course not.

[Professor Colonna]

Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have okayed that last guy.

[Bill Goodwin]

Oh, fiddlesticks. It does. Well, try a little.

[Professor Colonna]

Two in one oil. Now wholesale. Hope, while I look at you through the X ray machine.

[Bill Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Professor Colonna]

This is serious. We must operate at once. Nurse.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, Doctor?

[Professor Colonna]

Did you put my instruments in boiling water?

[Frances Langford]

Yes.

[Professor Colonna]

Well, throw in an egg. I'm hungry.

[Bob Hope]

Professor, you drive me crazy.

[Professor Colonna]

No, you drive me. I haven't got a license yet. Now, you wait here, Hope. I've got to go into the next room and operate on a patient. Answer my phone if it rings.

[Bill Goodwin]

All right. Ah, the phone.

[Bob Hope]

Hello, Mr. Hope, I'm working my way through college, see? And I wonder if you could help me by giving me all your old clothes. When the army gives you your uniform, any old clothes at all would be. And I'd be so thankful to you because then I could stay in college, see?

[Bill Goodwin]

Why, certainly I'll give you my old clothes. But tell me, what are you going to do with them?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, I'm going to eat them.

[Nurse Brenda]

I'm a moth.

[Professor Colonna]

Say, folks, I just finished a very delicate operation. I just cut open a patient removed his appendix and sewed him back up again.

[Bill Goodwin]

Oh, Dr. Colonna, I hope you didn't make one of those silly mistakes like leaving your scissors in the patient.

[Professor Colonna]

Oh, no, no, no. I'm holding my scissors right in my hand. Now help me get my hand out of here.

[Bob Hope]

Professor, that's serious.

[Bill Goodwin]

Do something.

[Professor Colonna]

All right. I'll continue operating on him.

[Bob Hope]

Hmm.

[Professor Colonna]

Very interesting. Very interesting. Say, you come on out. That's no place for a Good Humor root.

[Bob Hope]

Colon.

[Bill Goodwin]

It's impossible for a Good Humor man to be in there.

[Bob Hope]

We learn something new every day, don't we?

[Bill Goodwin]

Well, listen, professor, come here. You better finish examining me. I don't feel so well. I have spots in front of my eyes as big as pinheads.

[Professor Colonna]

Oh, that's nothing. I have spots in front of my eyes as big as bowling balls.

[Bill Goodwin]

That's impossible. Colonial. You couldn't have spots in front of your eyes as big as bowling balls.

[Professor Colonna]

I couldn't?

[Bob Hope]

No.

[Professor Colonna]

Set them up in the other alley.

[Frances Langford]

All right.

[Professor Colonna]

And now for the final test in your physical examination. I'm going to put this blindfold over your eyes. And then we'll see if you can walk over to the window blindfolded. Now, just walk to the window. It's very easy.

[Bill Goodwin]

All right.

[Professor Colonna]

You'd be surprised how many patients we lose that wing.

[Bill Goodwin]

And.