Burns and Allen 48-11-25 (09) Turkey Swallows A Wedding Ring

Summary

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Burns and Allen – "Turkey Swallows a Wedding Ring"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Original Air Date: November 25, 1948
Podcast Release Date: November 16, 2025
Episode Theme:
A comic Thanksgiving misadventure unfolds in the Burns household when a turkey swallows a thousand-dollar wedding ring meant for a wedding George is set to be best man at. George and Gracie’s trademark misunderstandings and wordplay lead to slapstick chaos, involving their friends, a bewildered farmer, a skeptical doctor—and a very lucky turkey.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. George’s Best Man Duty and Gracie’s Confusion

• George explains to Gracie that he’s to be best man at Bob Webster’s wedding.
• Gracie gets caught up in confusion over who’s marrying whom:
  “Well, wouldn't it be better if he married a single girl?” — Gracie (02:15)
• Back-and-forth puns on the bride’s name (Marion Carroll) and mishearings set a playful tone.

2. The Wedding Ring & Its Value

• George shows Gracie the expensive wedding ring he’s safeguarding for Bob and insists she not wear it.
  “Honey, this ring cost $1,000. Yours cost $5.” — George (04:35)
• Gracie’s comic disappointment on learning her own ring was so cheap:
  "Well, then you forgot to give me my change." — Gracie (04:46)

3. Thanksgiving Dinner Panic

• Problem: Gracie realizes she’s forgotten to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving.
• Takes advice from neighbor Blanche to procure one from a farm.

4. At the Turkey Farm – Ring Mishap

• Gracie, showing off the ring, loses it in the turkey pen.
  "The wedding ring. It's gone. It must have slipped off my finger here in the turkey pen." — Gracie (08:59)
• The farmer deduces one turkey has swallowed the ring.
• Not willing to kill innocent birds, Gracie buys all 20 turkeys to find the right one.

5. Back Home—George’s Bewilderment and Gracie’s Cover Story

• George returns home to find 20 turkeys and seeks explanations.
• Gracie invents a story about donating turkeys to the Salvation Army, then admits the ring predicament when pressed.

6. Salvation Army Mix-Up

• The turkeys have been donated away; Gracie must retrieve them.
• Gracie’s wild excuses: Claims they have 204 children, all twins, owing to George’s bookend business.
  “I had them the easy way. 102 sets of twins.” — Gracie (15:41)
• Discovers the ring is likely with a surviving baby turkey.

7. The Baby Turkey’s Fate

• Gracie refuses to let the baby turkey be killed for the ring.
• Decides on an X-ray to locate the ring, leading to a farcical doctor’s office segment.

8. Doctor’s Office Slapstick

• The doctor is confused, thinking the patient is a baby, then shocked to learn it’s a turkey.
• Gracie’s literal-minded comedy:
  “Well, who cares if you eat meat? Just X ray the turkey.” — Gracie (22:40)

9. The X-ray Results

• The ring is lodged in the turkey’s throat; to retrieve it, it must cough, which turkeys rarely do.
• George is resigned to killing the turkey if it doesn’t cough up the ring soon.

10. Climax – Sing for the Ring

• Gracie offers a series of wild alternatives to killing the turkey, suggesting Bill Goodwin’s idea:
  “Give the poor, miserable little creature a cup of Maxwell House coffee.” — Bill (26:33)
• Gracie bargains with the bride, Marion, to spare the turkey if George sings at her wedding.
• During George’s awkward crooning, the turkey coughs up the ring.
  “The turkey is choking. Oh, look. He coughed up my wedding ring. Oh, how wonderful.” — Gracie (31:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Name mix-up routine:
  “The bride is Marion.”
  “Carol.”
  “All right. Now who's the groom? Marion.”
  “Oh, nuts.” — George & Gracie (02:56–03:02)

• On their own wedding ring’s value:
  “Well, then you forgot to give me my change.” — Gracie (04:46)

• Farm slapstick:
  “I see one. I don't want that turkey nearest the fence. It's got flat feet.” — Gracie (08:16)
  “Besides, it's a duck.” — Maxwell House Announcer (08:22)

• Unbelievable story escalation:
  “Well, I had them the easy way. 102 sets of twins.” — Gracie (15:41)
  "My husband makes bookends and it’s affected his whole life." — Gracie (15:48)

• Doctor’s Bafflement:
  “The patient is a turkey?” — Doctor (22:32)

• Comic solution:
  “Give the poor, miserable little creature a cup of Maxwell House coffee.” — Bill Goodwin (26:33)

• Triumphant Retrieval:
  “The turkey is choking. Oh, look. He coughed up my wedding ring. Oh, how wonderful.” — Gracie (31:03)

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Timestamps: Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 01:52 | George introduces reason for being best man | | 04:07 | George shows Gracie the wedding ring | | 06:14 | Gracie realizes she forgot to buy a turkey | | 08:59 | Gracie loses the ring in the turkey pen | | 10:03 | Gracie buys all the turkeys to find the ring | | 13:29 | Gracie fesses up to George about the ring situation | | 15:41 | Gracie’s twins explanation to get the turkeys back | | 16:31 | Discover ring may be in a baby turkey | | 20:08 | Decision to X-ray the turkey | | 22:32 | Doctor's confusion about his unusual "patient" | | 24:01 | Ring located by X-ray in turkey’s throat | | 27:33 | George gives the turkey 30 minutes to cough up the ring | | 31:03 | Turkey coughs up ring during George’s serenade |

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Tone & Style

The episode is a whirlwind of mistaken assumptions, puns, and deadpan delivery. Gracie's literal logic and unique take on problems drive the comedy, while George reacts with weary exasperation. Classic Burns and Allen absurdity is in full effect, with side gags, slapstick, and meta-jokes about marriages, turkeys, and Thanksgiving chaos.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode exemplifies Golden Age radio’s comedic timing and the enduring charm of Burns and Allen. The Thanksgiving setting, a misplaced wedding ring, and a turkey with a taste for jewelry make for an uproarious and tightly-plotted farce, studded with quotable lines and surreal domestic logic. Listen for the repartee, but stay for the baby turkey’s big moment.

Transcript

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[George Burns]

Sure, pour me a cup.

[Gracie Allen]

Gracie, you know Maxwell House is always good to the last drop.

[George Burns]

That drops good too.

[Narrator]

Yes, it's Maxwell House coffee time. Starring George Burns and Gracie Allen. With yours to Julie, Toby Reed, B. Benedara, Hans con Reed, Pat McGee and Doris Singleton, Harry Lubin, the Maxwell House Orchestra and Bill Goodwin.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

For America's Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie. And for America's everyday coffee drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House. The coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand at any price. Yes, Maxwell House, always good to the last drop.

[Narrator]

Well, it's Thanksgiving morning as we look in at the Burns home. But that's not the subject of discussion between George and Gracie. It seems that George is going to be best man at a friend's wedding. And he's telling Gracie all about it.

[George Burns]

It's Bob Webster who's getting married, Gracie.

[Gracie Allen]

Bob Webster?

[George Burns]

Yeah, you remember the Webster boys. We had them here for dinner one night.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, yes. Bob is the one who spills the gravy on the tablecloth. Brother.

[George Burns]

Yeah, that's him. Well, Bob is finally going to settle down and marry himself a wife.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, wouldn't it be better if he married a single girl?

[George Burns]

She is. She is single.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, good. Do I know her?

[George Burns]

I don't think so. She's marrying Carol.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I thought she was marrying Bob Webster. Who's Bob? Marion.

[George Burns]

Marion Carroll.

[Gracie Allen]

He's marrying the same person.

[George Burns]

No, no, no, look.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, then who's he marrying?

[George Burns]

Marion. Carol.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, George, for a best man, you certainly are mixed up.

[George Burns]

Gracie, this Marion is spelled M A R I A N. Now do you understand?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, of course I understand. I'm no Dumbo.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Good.

[George Burns]

The bride is Marion.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Carol.

[Gracie Allen]

All right. Now who's the groom? Marion.

[George Burns]

Oh, nuts.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, nuts. It's an Irish girl, huh?

[George Burns]

Yes, Molly. Oh, nuts. Well, anyway, this is the first time I've. I've ever been best man. How do you think I should dress?

[Gracie Allen]

The usual way. First put on Your underwear, then?

[George Burns]

I don't mean that. I mean, how should I dress at the wedding?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I wouldn't. I dressed here.

[George Burns]

Well, forget the whole thing. I'll go to the wedding in a tuxedo.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, it's only a couple of blocks. Why don't you walk?

[George Burns]

Well, a tuxedo is that funny black suit I wore when we got married.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, have you still got that suit?

[George Burns]

Well, sure.

[Gracie Allen]

You must owe a lot of rent on it by now.

[George Burns]

About $30,000. Well, now, I'm going out to borrow some studs. But first I better put this wedding ring where where it'll be safe.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, what a beautiful ring. It's set with diamonds and everything.

[George Burns]

Yeah, Bob was so nervous, he asked me to keep it.

[Gracie Allen]

Let me wear it until the wedding tomorrow.

[George Burns]

Oh, no, no, no. You might lose it. Besides, you've got a wedding ring.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, but this one is so beautiful.

[George Burns]

Gracie, a wedding ring is just a symbol. It doesn't matter if it's solid brass.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I know I love my ring, but this one is so exquisite. I won't lose it. I've never lost mine.

[George Burns]

Honey, this ring cost $1,000. Yours cost $5.

[Gracie Allen]

No, George. No, my ring costs $10.

[George Burns]

No, I paid $5 for it.

[Gracie Allen]

Are you sure?

[George Burns]

Well, certainly.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, then you forgot to give me my change.

[George Burns]

I'll ow it to you. And Bob's ring goes right in this drawer, and I want it to stay there. Now, I got to find some tuxedo studs and get the soup pressed.

[Gracie Allen]

There's Blanche Morton at the back door. Come in, Blanche.

[Blanche Morton]

Hello, folks.

[Gracie Allen]

Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you, Blanche.

[Blanche Morton]

Say, Gracie, I'm having a bunch in for dinner. I wonder if I could borrow that wonderful little pot of yours that cooks things so fast.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, certainly. Go along with it, George.

[Blanche Morton]

No, no, I mean your presto cooker.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, that. Oh, sure. I'll be finished with it in a few minutes.

[George Burns]

Say, Blanche, has Harry got some tuxedo studs I can borrow?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I think so.

[George Burns]

I'm best man at Bob Webster's wedding tomorrow.

[Gracie Allen]

Really? Who's Bob?

[Blanche Morton]

Marion.

[George Burns]

Marion Carroll.

[Gracie Allen]

No, no, George, you're mixed up again. He's marrying Molly o'. Nut.

[George Burns]

Let's not get back into that routine. I'll run over and get the studs from Harry.

[Blanche Morton]

How's your Thanksgiving dinner coming along, Gracie?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, just fine, Blanche. I've made pumpkin pie, chestnut dressing and see, I've got the oven turned to 350 degrees. That's perfect for browning a turkey. That reminds me, I better look at it. Oh, I'm in trouble.

[Blanche Morton]

You burnt the turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

No, I forgot to get one. Fine.

[Blanche Morton]

And I'll bet George is so hungry he could eat the table leaves.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, quick, put them in the oven.

[Blanche Morton]

I was only kidding. Gracie, you gotta have a turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

But, Blanche, the markets are all closed. How will I get one?

[Blanche Morton]

Drive out to the country and buy one from a farmer.

[Gracie Allen]

Hey, that's a good idea.

[Blanche Morton]

Sure. What do you want? A tom turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

Tom turkey? Sam turkey. Who cares what it's. I'm gonna feed him to George, not introduce him. You help yourself to the cooker. I'll head for the country.

[Blanche Morton]

All right.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I wonder if I did. Yes, I'll wear it. Blanche, isn't this a beautiful wedding ring?

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, it's magnificent. Oh, you lucky girl.

[Gracie Allen]

Now, it's not mine. It belongs to a girl Bob Webster's gonna marry.

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, nuts.

[Gracie Allen]

Yeah, that's right, Molly. George told me not to wear it, but I'm going to anyhow.

[Blanche Morton]

Gracie, are you the kind of wife who disobeys her husband?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, sure, I'm normal. See you later, Blanch.

[George Burns]

Well, there they are, ma'. Am.

[Farmer]

I've got about 20 turkeys left. I'm selling them for 60 cents a pound.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I guess I'll have to pay it. My husband insists on turkey. But it does seem high.

[Farmer]

It costs money to feed an old gobbler.

[Gracie Allen]

Yes, especially when he insists on turkey.

[Farmer]

Want me to pick one out for you?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, no, no. You must try to fool me. I'll pick them out myself. I'm an expert. I know all about turkeys, from their manes to their withers.

[Farmer]

I can tell you're an expert on that. See one you want.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I see one. I don't want that turkey nearest the fence. It's got flat feet.

[George Burns]

Yep.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Besides, it's a duck.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I want a turkey. There's a cute little baby one.

[Farmer]

He'll be a fine bird when he grows up. He's milk fed.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, now, there you go trying to fool me. That little turkey couldn't be milk fed. He's too short to reach a cow's faucet.

[Farmer]

I'm sorry I tried to fool you.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I better pick out a turkey. Eeny, meeny, miny. Oh. Oh, my goodness.

[Farmer]

Semantic.

[Gracie Allen]

The wedding ring. It's gone. It must have slipped off my finger here in the turkey pen.

[Farmer]

Don't see nothing of it.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, if that ring's gone, my husband will murder me. It's a thousand dollar wedding ring.

[Farmer]

I'll bet I know what's happened. One of them turkeys took it.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, quick, which one of them is planning to get married, lady?

[Farmer]

I mean, one of them turkeys swallowed it.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, that's terrible. You see, the ring isn't mine. My husband had it for another woman.

[Farmer]

My, you Hollywood folks.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, quick, get it out of the turkey.

[Farmer]

Well, I don't know which one swallowed it.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I wish there'd been my wedding ring. We'd know the turkey in a minute. He'd turn green. Oh, but you've got to get it.

[Farmer]

Well, I can't kill all them turkeys. It's too late to sell them.

[Gracie Allen]

I don't want you to kill them. Just turn them inside out and shake them.

[Farmer]

Lady, the only way to find that ring is for you to buy these turkeys and let me kill them.

[Gracie Allen]

No, sir. I can't let 19 innocent turkeys die just because one of them is a thief. I'll take them home with me and find the guilty one somehow.

[Farmer]

Just as you say, ma'.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Am.

[Gracie Allen]

But how will I get all these turkeys to town?

[Farmer]

I'll truck them in.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, that's a long way to dance. Well, then, you. You look healthy. Here's my address. Put them on the back porch.

[George Burns]

Gracie, I'm home. Where are you?

[Farmer]

Huh.

[George Burns]

Guess she's out in the kitchen. Hey, Gracie, I got the tuxedo studs. No, not here either. Maybe she's on the back porch. Holy smoke. Her mother is here for Thanksgiving. No, it couldn't be a mother. She talks louder than that. I'll have another look. Who's out there?

[Gracie Allen]

No one's a little turkey.

[George Burns]

Gracie, come in the house. I want to talk to you. What goes on here? There must be a dozen turkeys on our back wall.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, now don't exaggerate, dear. There are only 20.

[George Burns]

Why in the world did you buy 20 turkeys?

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[George Burns]

Yeah, why?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, you see, when I left the farm, I only had two turkeys. But they happened to be male and female and, well, you know, turkeys. Now we've got 20.

[George Burns]

That's rabbits.

[Gracie Allen]

No, they're turkeys. Look again.

[George Burns]

I mean, turkeys can't multiply like rabbits. Turkeys lay eggs.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, there's something rabbits can't do, so they're even.

[George Burns]

I say, stop being silly. Why did you buy 20 turkeys?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, all right. I guess I'll have to tell you the truth.

[George Burns]

Well, I should hope so. It's enough turkeys to fill the Salvation army baskets.

[Gracie Allen]

You guessed it, huh? That's. Those turkeys are for the Salvation Army. They were donated by a kind farmer.

[George Burns]

Oh, well, thanks for telling the truth.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, thanks for thinking of it. Now, excuse me, dear. I have to run out and borrow some fishing tackle.

[George Burns]

Going fishing? Where?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, if I told you, you'd say I was crazy.

[George Burns]

I'll take a chance. Where are you going?

[Gracie Allen]

Fishing inside those turkeys.

[George Burns]

You're crazy.

[Gracie Allen]

I told you.

[George Burns]

But, Gracie.

[Gracie Allen]

Goodbye, dear.

[George Burns]

Oh, what a little screwball. Well, I'll put a stop to this foolishness. I'll call the Salvation army and tell them to come and pick up their turkeys.

[Gracie Allen]

What? You let the Salvation army take those turkeys?

[George Burns]

Certainly. They have to dress them and send them out.

[Gracie Allen]

They may have to dress 19 of them, but one of those turkeys can afford the best tailor in town. What? I'll see you later, dear. What are you talking. Is there. Is this the Salvation army headquarters?

[Farmer]

Yes, ma'.

[George Burns]

Am.

[Gracie Allen]

Do you still have the turkeys you got from Mr. Burns?

[Doctor/Judge]

Why, yes.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, thank goodness. He wants them back right away.

[Farmer]

You mean he's an Indian giver?

[Gracie Allen]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, he. He gave you the turkeys by mistake. He. He meant to give you Indians, huh? Well, you see, my husband was too proud to tell you, but our children are starving. That's why we've got to have those turkeys back.

[Farmer]

All 20 of them. Yes, but, Mrs. Burns, 20 turkeys will feed 200 children.

[Gracie Allen]

So farmer kids will go hungry.

[Farmer]

It's impossible for a woman to have 204 children.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I had them the easy way. 102 sets of twins.

[Farmer]

102 sets of twins.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, my husband makes bookends and it's affected his whole life.

[Farmer]

Mrs. Burns, I'm afraid this is unbelievable.

[Gracie Allen]

You don't believe my husband makes bookends, huh?

[Farmer]

I don't believe any of it.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, well, all right then, I'll tell you the truth. One of those turkeys has a thousand dollar ring inside of it.

[Farmer]

I'm afraid you're mistaken. No ring was found when those turkeys were cleaned.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, it must have been there. What cleaner did you send them to?

[Farmer]

We cleaned them ourselves. And there was no ring. Wait a moment. There was a baby turkey in the flock. Too small to kill. He's here in the back room. Maybe he swallowed the ring.

[Gracie Allen]

Aw, that cute little baby. Aw, that baby couldn't be a juvenile delinquent. I'm sure he didn't swallow the ring. Sounds like I was wrong.

[Farmer]

Shall we kill him and recover the ring?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, no, no. He's just a baby. And an orphan, too. You've already killed his mother and father and all his aunts and uncles. Aw, don't you worry, little turkey. Gracie will protect you. I'll take him home with me.

[Farmer]

But, Mrs. Burns, that turkey has a thousand dollar ring inside of him. How will you get it?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I'll think of something. Come on, you little thought. Knocks with feather. Sam.

[Narrator]

The hills of home, friendly American hills that today embrace a grateful nation, offering thanks for bountiful crops and rich harvest. Yes, on this most traditional of all American holidays, happy families are gathered at home celebrating this Thanksgiving in feasting and good cheer. Enjoying the warm fellowship and generous hospitality that make this day one of the favorite holidays of the year. And the folks who make Maxwell House coffee are happy indeed that their coffee, America's favorite brand, is such a familiar part of this Thanksgiving tradition. And they earnestly hope that their unceasing efforts to bring you the very best in rich, satisfying coffee drinking goodness will continue to add to your enjoyment of Thanksgiving and every day in the year.

[George Burns]

I told you not to touch that ring. Now, what's inside this silly turkey?

[Gracie Allen]

Please, Judge, he didn't know what he was doing. He's just a baby. An orphan.

[George Burns]

Orphan. Schmorfin. Gonna chop his head off, cut him open and take him apart.

[Gracie Allen]

But Judge, he might not recover from a thing like that.

[George Burns]

So he doesn't recover. Now give him here.

[Gracie Allen]

No, no. Now wait, wait, Judge. We're not absolutely, absolutely positive he swallowed the ring. Let's make sure before we do anything.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

How?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, let's take him to a doctor and have him X rayed.

[George Burns]

I'm not going to a doctor's office just to have a turkey X rayed.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, all right. While we're there, he can take out your appendix.

[Doctor/Judge]

Now give me the turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

No, George, no. You may be hurting an innocent baby. We'll. We'll take him to the doctor and have him X rayed.

[George Burns]

Oh, no, we won't.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, yes, we will.

[Doctor/Judge]

Oh, no, we won't.

[Gracie Allen]

Here's the doctor's office. George, you. You stay in here in the waiting room with the turkey. I'll go see if the doctor's busy.

[George Burns]

Make it snappy. We're quiet.

[Doctor/Judge]

Come in.

[Gracie Allen]

Are you the doctor?

[Farmer]

Yes. I'm sorry. My receptionist isn't here today.

[Doctor/Judge]

But I always come to the office on Thanksgiving. Do a tremendous bicarbonate business.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, I want you to take an X ray.

[Farmer]

Very well.

[Doctor/Judge]

Step behind that screen and remove your clothes.

[Gracie Allen]

All right, doctor, but can I peek over the screen while you X ray the patient?

[Doctor/Judge]

You're not the patient.

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, no, no.

[Gracie Allen]

My husband has him outside. Oh. We think he swallowed a ring.

[George Burns]

Oh, a baby?

[Gracie Allen]

Yes, yes, he's only about two weeks old.

[Doctor/Judge]

Is he in any pain?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, no, no. He's very lively. On the way here, he jumped out of the car. My husband chased him for a block.

[Doctor/Judge]

And he's only two weeks old.

[Gracie Allen]

But very agile. We finally caught him on top of the mailbox.

[Doctor/Judge]

This promises to be a remarkable case. How did he happen to swallow this ring?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, the. The ring fell on the ground and I think he ate it by mistake when he snapped at a grasshopper.

[Doctor/Judge]

You allow him to eat grasshoppers? What kind of a mother are you?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I'm not his mother. He's an orphan. His mother and father were killed by the Salvation Army.

[Doctor/Judge]

I'm a bit confused. Suppose you just bring the patient in.

[Gracie Allen]

All right. I hope you can take the X ray through his feathers.

[Doctor/Judge]

The baby has feathers?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, certainly. All turkeys do.

[Doctor/Judge]

The patient is a turkey?

[Gracie Allen]

Yes. Now, I'll bring him in for X rays.

[Doctor/Judge]

Madam, I am not a veterinarian.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, who cares if you eat meat? Just X ray the turkey.

[Doctor/Judge]

I'll make a bargain with you. I'll X ray your turkey if you'll will your brain to medical science.

[Gracie Allen]

All right. If you can't get Einstein, imagine you thinking the turkey was a baby.

[Doctor/Judge]

Yeah, well, I guess I should have realized that a Two week old baby wouldn't snap at grasshopper?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, of course not. My brother Willie didn't start until he was a grown man.

[Doctor/Judge]

For this, I opened my office.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, all right, Judge, bring the turkey in.

[George Burns]

There he is, doctor. Gosh, I feel silly. You must think I'm the world's prize idiot.

[Doctor/Judge]

No, there's already been a winner.

[Gracie Allen]

Now, quiet, baby. You're gonna be X rayed to see if you swallow the rings.

[Doctor/Judge]

I'll just put him behind the fluoroscope here.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, my goodness. I don't see the ring. But he certainly has swallowed a lot of bones.

[Doctor/Judge]

You are looking at his skeleton. Wait, I see it. The ring is in his esophagus.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, now, doctor, I'm over 21. You can play stomach in front of me.

[Doctor/Judge]

It's not in the bird's stomach. It's lodged halfway down its throat.

[George Burns]

Can we. Can we get it without killing him?

[Doctor/Judge]

Not unless he coughs it up. And turkeys rarely cough.

[George Burns]

Then I'll have to kill him. Come on, Gracie.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, no, no, George, please, give him a chance.

[George Burns]

But suppose he never coughs up the ring? I'll have to cough up a thousand dollars.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I thought you kept your money in the bank.

[George Burns]

Come on.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, come on, George. Blow some more smoke in the turkey's face. It'll make him cough.

[George Burns]

This is silly.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, try once more. A great big puff. Ah, there. He coughed.

[George Burns]

He didn't cough. I coughed.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, why you didn't swallow the ring.

[George Burns]

I swallowed some smoke.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, well, we don't need that. You can keep it.

[George Burns]

Well, thanks. Come in.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, hi.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Burns's. What's doing?

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, hello, Bill. George is blowing smoke at the turkey.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

George, you have to kill it before you smoke it.

[George Burns]

I'm not smoking the turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

Now he's smoking a cigar.

[George Burns]

I'm trying to get a wedding ring out of this turkey.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Well, George, I don't think you two will be happy together.

[George Burns]

Bill.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

But if you do make a go of it, I hope your kids look like the turkey.

[George Burns]

If you'll be quiet a minute, I'll explain this thing.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Okay.

[George Burns]

It's a fascinating story. You see, there's a big wedding tomorrow and I've been picked as the best man.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Well, right away. It's fascinating.

[George Burns]

I like Scott. Bob Webster is getting married and he gave me a wedding ring to keep from.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Bob Webster.

[George Burns]

Huh?

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Who's he marrying?

[George Burns]

Marion Carroll.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, Judge, you still haven't got a straight. He's marrying that Irish girl.

[George Burns]

Oh, quiet.

[Gracie Allen]

I thought it was. Oh, nuts.

[George Burns]

Well, anyway, Bill, the ring cost $1,000. Gracie dropped it and this turkey swallowed it.

[Gracie Allen]

And now George wants to kill the little defenseless turkey. How can we swallow stopping Bill?

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Well, that's easy. Give the poor, miserable little creature a cup of Maxwell House coffee.

[Gracie Allen]

The turkey?

[George Burns]

No, George.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

The rich, mellow, good to the last drop flavor of Maxwell House will put him in such a happy mood that he won't want to kill the turkey. Then he'll go out into the world with a smile on his handsome face and you'll be proud to be seen with him.

[Gracie Allen]

George?

[Maxwell House Announcer]

No, the turkey. Oh, you'll be proud of George, too, because the roaster fresh goodness of Maxwell House will warm his heart and keep him from harming that innocent bird. Then your little pet can waddle around the house and you can feed him and care for him all his life.

[Gracie Allen]

Detect.

[George Burns]

No, George.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Let's see that he gets plenty of Maxwell House coffee. It's America's favorite. A blend of superb Latin American coffees, radiantly roasted to flavor perfection. And I know he'll be glad to hear me say that.

[Gracie Allen]

George, no.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

The sponsor.

[George Burns]

Switch.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Yes, I see.

[George Burns]

Well, I've heard enough of this. I want that ring, and it's just too bad for this turkey. I'm gonna take the ax and let him have it.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Oh, don't let him have it, George. He'll beat your brains out.

[George Burns]

I'm going out and sharpen the axe. And if that turkey hasn't coughed up that ring in 30 minutes, he's through.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, I wish I had never seen Molly o' Quiet's wedding ring.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

Gracie. Her name is Marion, Carol, and she's.

[George Burns]

A very sweet girl. I know her.

[Gracie Allen]

You mean she's tender hearted?

[Farmer]

Oh, yeah.

[Maxwell House Announcer]

She cried like a baby when she found out she couldn't marry me.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, well, then I think I can save this turkey. Call her and get her over here right away. So that's the situation, Marion. Your ring is inside this darling little turkey and I know you wouldn't want him killed.

[Blanche Morton]

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Burns, but I've got to have my wedding ring.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, you can have it, but the turkey goes with it. Well, suppose people want to see the ring, show them an X ray.

[Blanche Morton]

But I can't get married without a ring.

[Gracie Allen]

Oh, sure you can. Just change the ceremony a little bit. The groom says with this turkey I be wed. Now, look, I've got to.

[Blanche Morton]

Have my wedding ring. I can't go on a honeymoon without it.

[Gracie Allen]

So the turkey goes with you. He'll make a wonderful chaperone.

[Blanche Morton]

Well, now, why would I need a chaperone on my honeymoon.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, husbands get awfully fresh. George even tried to kiss me.

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, Mrs. Burns, I'd be embarrassed taking a turkey on my honeymoon.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, then wrap it up in a blanket and say it's your baby.

[Blanche Morton]

I don't believe that would save embarrassment.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, don't forget, the turkey might cough up the ring.

[Blanche Morton]

Well, what would make a turkey cough?

[Gracie Allen]

Well, now, look. Guess this picture. The three of you are on your honeymoon. The turkey has been out for a walk, and he comes back unexpectedly and catches you and your husband holding hands. Naturally, he wants to let you know he's there. So he gives a little cough, bingo, out pops the ring.

[Blanche Morton]

Mrs. Burns, I've heard enough.

[Gracie Allen]

I really convinced you, huh?

[Blanche Morton]

No. I'm being married in a few hours, and I want my ring, turkey or no turkey.

[Gracie Allen]

Well, look, Marian, I'll make a bargain with you. Spare this turkey's life, and I'll see that you get the thrill supreme at your wedding. What's that? My husband will sing. His romantic voice is perfect for a wedding. But I. When George sings, people think they're at a wedding. Whether they are or not. The minute he opens his mouth, they start throwing old shoes.

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, no, really.

[George Burns]

Well, Gracie, time's up. I've come for the turkey.

[Blanche Morton]

Hello, Mr. Burns.

[George Burns]

Oh, hello, Marion.

[Gracie Allen]

George, Marion wants you to sing at her wedding. Give her a sample of your Orange Blossom from baritone.

[Blanche Morton]

Oh, but, Mr. Bur.

[George Burns]

Now, Marian, I'll be glad to do it. Get a load of this. I love you truly, truly, dear Life.

[Narrator]

With its sorrow.

[George Burns]

Life with its tears.

[Gracie Allen]

The turkey is choking. Oh, look. He calmed up my wedding. Oh, how wonderful.

[Blanche Morton]

I'll take it with me just for the sake. Goodbye, Mrs. Bar.

[Gracie Allen]

Goodbye, Marion. She's gone.

[George Burns]

Oh.

[Doctor/Judge]

Oh, do I. Do I get the job?

[Gracie Allen]

Yes, dear. Anytime a turkey swallows a wedding ring, we'll call on you.

[Narrator]

Well, I'm a success.

[George Burns]

Good night.

[Blanche Morton]

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Narrator]

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.