Candid Microphone 47-07-13 003 Exploding Cigarettes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio Episode: Candid Microphone 47-07-13 003 Exploding Cigarettes
Release Date: August 2, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

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Introduction to Candid Microphone

Harold's Old Time Radio presents "Candid Microphone," a unique program that captures the genuine reactions of ordinary people in everyday situations. Unlike traditional radio shows that feature scripted content, this episode employs hidden microphones to record unsuspecting individuals, revealing their unfiltered behaviors and interactions.

Notable Quote:

Allen Funt: "The program that brings you the honest reactions of ordinary people. Secretly recorded."
[00:07]

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Experiment 1: Exploding Cigarettes at the Bar

The first experiment involves a practical joke using exploding cigarettes to gauge people's reactions to unexpected surprises. Initially, the team approaches a seemingly immaculate man at a bar to offer him an exploding cigarette. His reaction is notably negative, expressing frustration and disbelief.

Key Interactions:

• The bartender explains the joke, stating, "It's just one of those practical jokes" ([03:29]).
• The man responds angrily, "That's not so damn funny. I don't think that makes me stir in the devil." ([03:35]).

The discouraging response leads the team to attempt the joke again, this time targeting a woman. The female subject reacts with mild surprise but maintains composure, indicating her ability to handle the prank with humor.

Notable Quote:

Bartender: "It's a little plug you put in the cigarette. But I thought it would scare the dickens out of you."
[05:37]

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Experiment 2: Pawn Shop Transaction

The program then shifts to a pawn shop setting, where a young man seeks to pawn his watch to fix his teeth. The interaction highlights the negotiation between the pawnbroker and the customer, emphasizing honesty and practicality.

Key Points:

• The young man offers his watch for $40 but settles for $23 after negotiation.
• The pawnbroker demonstrates understanding, saying, "I hate to see a fellow worker walk around without his seats being fixed." ([08:07]).

Notable Quote:

Bartender: "It's a very good watch. I know it is."
[07:35]

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Experiment 3: Restaurant Bill Dilemma

In this segment, the candid microphone explores what happens when someone cannot pay a restaurant bill. Various establishments exhibit leniency, allowing diners to leave without immediate payment. However, one bistro takes a stern stance, offering the diner a chance to "work off" the bill by performing menial tasks.

Key Interaction:

• The bistro manager responds harshly, "You can't let me wash the dishes. I could do that really good." ([09:55]).
• The diner is forced into a deal to work for two and a half hours at 75 cents an hour. ([10:30]).

Notable Quote:

Narrator: "One good meal equals $1.75. Or two and a half hours of work in the kitchen."
[14:11]

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Experiment 4: Autograph Request at Subway

The fourth experiment involves a false autograph request to test people's willingness to engage with strangers pretending to recognize them. An unsuspecting individual is approached by a woman claiming to collect his autograph, believing he is an actor.

Key Interaction:

• The man, portrayed by Allen Funt, resists and becomes increasingly frustrated. "I don't want to sign anything. My name doesn't mean anything to you." ([17:56]).

Notable Quote:

Victim: "I know I have. I have a lot of them and I know."
[17:10]

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Experiment 5: Children's Play with a Kitten

Seeking to recapture childhood joy, the team records children interacting freely with a new kitten in their playroom. The recording showcases the innocent and unfiltered behavior of children, providing a heartwarming contrast to the earlier practical jokes.

Key Highlights:

• Children express excitement and curiosity: "A pussycat. Be careful. This is more fun upstairs playing Pussycat." ([20:01]).
• Their interactions are natural and filled with joy, illustrating the program's aim to capture genuine moments.

Notable Quote:

Child: "Now let her walk where she wants."
[20:30]

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Experiment 6: Lingerie Store Exchange

This segment delves into the dynamics between men and lingerie saleswomen in a store setting. A man attempts to exchange a garter belt, revealing his discomfort and lack of knowledge about the products.

Key Interaction:

• The man awkwardly states, "I don't know anything about them. She just wanted to exchange it in size." ([22:34]).
• The salesgirl patiently offers alternatives, showcasing professional demeanor despite the man's hesitance.

Notable Quote:

Salesgirl: "With black gala belt, you have to wear black lingerie. And with the other ones, well, you don't."
[23:20]

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Experiment 7: Morning in a Happy Marriage

Concluding the episode, the candid microphone captures the morning routine of a happily married couple. The husband struggles to wake up, leading to a humorous yet relatable exchange that highlights marital affection and patience.

Key Points:

• The wife persistently wakes her husband, who responds groggily: "It's 9 o'clock." ([26:12]).
• Their interaction underscores the theme that true love withstands daily nuisances: "If you can love the old boy in spite of his morning meanness, then yours is a great love indeed." ([27:57]).

Notable Quote:

Narrator: "Your marriage is held together by blind affection. You have nothing to worry about."
[27:57]

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Conclusion and Insights

Throughout the episode, Candid Microphone successfully illuminates the authentic reactions of ordinary people in a variety of settings, from light-hearted pranks to serious negotiations and intimate domestic scenes. The hidden microphone approach reveals unguarded emotions and behaviors, offering listeners a glimpse into the true nature of human interactions.

Final Reflections:

• The program emphasizes the value of authenticity and the unexpected outcomes of spontaneous human behavior.
• It also explores societal norms and personal boundaries, questioning how individuals respond when caught off-guard.

Notable Quote:

Allen Funt: "On this program, we try to apply the same principles to radio. We use everyday people who don't know a microphone from a hole in the wall."
[15:33]

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Harold's Old Time Radio continues to entertain and enlighten listeners by capturing the unscripted moments that define everyday life. Tune in next week for more candid conversations and authentic experiences from the heart of ordinary people.

Transcript

[Allen Funt]

Would you like to hear secret recordings of such things as a wife waking her husband, a man exchanging lingerie, the actual transaction in a pawn shop. Two children at play with a kitten? The American Broadcasting Company presents the Candid Microphone. The program that brings you the honest reactions of ordinary people. Secretly recorded. No one ever knows when he's talking into the candid microphone.

[Narrator]

This program's about people. Not precocious people or problem people or people in search of electric refrigerators and vacuum cleaners. Just people. We want to know what they're like. But when most people step in front of a microphone, they change. Some get shy, others show off, and some shut up like clams. But get those same people, where they live and work and play. Hide a microphone and record what they say and they sound real again. That's what this program wants you to hear. Ordinary people reacting to all kinds of situations. Some funny, some unusual, some just human. But remember, none of the people on this program ever knew they were talking into the candid microphone. Just how funny is a practical joke? Those silly little tricks like exploding cigarettes, collapsible chairs and knives with hinges in the middle. Do they serve any useful purpose in this already hectic life? The clown who uses them, of course, will get some kind of satisfaction out of watching his victim squirm.

[Bartender]

But what about the victim?

[Narrator]

The Candid Microphone decided to indulge in one of the less injurious variety. To see how a victim reacted, we connived with a bartender to set up our recorder under his bar. And then, with the microphone concealed in a basket of pretzels, we ordered a drink and waited for somebody to come along. Pretty soon, a lone man sat down beside us. He was an immaculate fellow, crisp looking, even on this sticky day. Perhaps not the ideal subject for a practical joke, but maybe he would be friendlier than he looked. We fingered the exploding cigarette that we were going to offer him and struck up a conversation that was recorded as follows.

[Bartender]

Fella, you bought the last drink. How about. Let me buy one for you now? All right, fine. I'd like another one. You drinking bourbon? Bourbon? Yeah, please. Plain soda? No, I'd like. Yeah, I'll count it. A dry soda. I like that quite a bit. Well, fine. Incidentally, what sort of soda do you use when you. I use just plain, you know, sparkling water, Any kind. How about a cigarette? Yeah, I believe I will. Good. Need a light? Yeah, thank you. There we go. Oh, boy, these sticky days. I noticed you can keep that collar from wilting. How in the devil do you manage to do that, my collars will just fade away and get to nothing in no time. Well, I don't know. It's true you have to change it.

[Narrator]

Once in a while.

[Bartender]

But it's a neck band shirt, you know. Look at how fresh it looks. I can never keep in that way for two hours. Not very comfortable, I'll tell you that, though, sometimes. Yeah. Why? Too stiff on Stiff? Before the war? Yeah. Oh, it's murder. What? What's the matter? Well, what. What kind of a cigarette did you give me? Here. It's just one of those. Oh, that's not so damn funny. I don't think that makes me stir in the devil. Why, goodness. That's not funny, that's all. What are you, a school kid or something? Well, it's just a little practical joke. I can't see it. I'm sorry. Why pay for the drink you got. No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait a second. You're taking the wrong attitude. I can't see it. Well, it couldn't hurt you. Did it hurt? How do you know it couldn't hurt me? It might have put my out. Oh, it's just a tiny little charge. What? I know. Did you make them yourself? No, no, I come from. Well, they buy him in a little joke. Jody, I've never met you before. Anyhow, what's the idea of pulling a trick like that on a stranger? Well, it's just for a gag. I just don't like people like you.

[Narrator]

This reaction was discouraging. We decided. Could it be that every elbow at the bar has. We decided to carry the experiment further and try again. This time our victim was a girl. She was a friend of a friend of ours. We arranged to meet our mutual friend in an office where the candid microphone was hidden. Another exploding cigarette was ready to be offered. The recording that follows shows what a bang she got out of it.

[Bartender]

Well, he'll be here in a little while. I guess we'll just have to wait for him. Okay. Have a smoke?

[Victim]

Yeah, thanks.

[Bartender]

Don't mind if I do. Good. Here's one. Is that your brand?

[Victim]

No, but this is all right.

[Bartender]

Good. Did you get a light? Good. I hope he gets here pretty soon.

[Narrator]

What is it?

[Victim]

That.

[Bartender]

What is it? It's one of those trick cigarettes that go off like, you know, when you light it. Well, isn't that.

[Victim]

See, I've never had one of those before. Do you have any more?

[Bartender]

Did it scare you?

[Victim]

Oh, no. I mean, sort of, but it wasn't. Well, what. What do you put in them?

[Bartender]

It's a little plug you put in the cigarette. But I thought it would scare the dickens out of you.

[Victim]

Oh, well, I mean, I sort of.

[Bartender]

Didn'T expect it, but it's.

[Victim]

Oh, I'll be darned.

[Bartender]

Where do you get them? Oh, you can buy them at any magic store. But I'm kind of disappointed. I thought it would just lift you right out of your seat. No, no, it didn't have to be louder than that.

[Narrator]

If we were at liberty to give names and addresses, we could have served a very useful purpose with this experiment. Because we have discovered a girl who will make some man an amiable and ever loving wife. She certainly can take a joke. And she's also proved to us that when a practical joke is taken, well, the joke is on the joke. We don't mean to get personal or pry into your private financial affairs, but have you ever had occasion to visit a pawn shop? For centuries, these cluttered little establishments under the sign of the three golden balls have made loans on anything from a mousetrap to a mandolin. We peered into a pawn shop the other day and pretty soon the pawnbroker spied us. He must have thought we wanted to pawn our wire recorder and microphone. He was very cordial as we entered. After a quarter hour of hard bargaining, we got his permission to set up our microphone in his shop to record a typical transaction. We were just about set when a sheepish looking young man walked in, dropped a watch on the counter and here's the rest right from the record.

[Bartender]

Yes, sir, what can I do for you? I'd like to pawn that watch. How much do you want? Well, I'd like to get $40 for it. $40? I'm awful sorry, I can't give you $40. Can you use a little less? How much can you give me? I'll let you have 20. 20? I praised it somewhere else and got more than that praise. How much do you see? They promised me $25. $25, huh? It's a very good watch. I know it's. What do you say? That's a very good watch. Where'd you get it? Got it in a very good, reliable jewelry store. What kind of works do you do? An elevator operator. An elevator operator. Do you play the horses? No. What do you do? Can't afford to play the horses. What do you need the money for? If I may, I want to get my teeth fixed. Your teeth fixed? Yes. I ain't kidding you. You think I'd kid you? You think I want to pawn a good watch like That I see. You're really honest about it. But still, if you got something else you can pawn, or you got a ring with it. If you got something else. That's the only thing I have. If you got a nice suit, we can lend you the money on the suit, too. No, that's all I have is the wristwatch. Well, I'll tell you. I'll let you have $22. You have to do better than that. Why? Take it over. Look.

[Victim]

To watch over.

[Bartender]

No, I couldn't give you no more. Are you sure you're going to have your teeth fixed? Yes. Where? Where? My dentist. Where? Where's the dentist? 87th, sir. Have you been. Have you been in the army? Yes. Spent four years in the army. Is that so? Yes. Are you married? Yep. Married? Little girl. That's so. Well, you seem like a nice, honest young man. I'll make it $23. All right. Can't you do better than that? No, I couldn't, really. It's $20, but I don't like to. Hang on. But you're making on it. You must. I know the interest is very, very little here. You see, for $23, I'm worth the money. It only costs you around. Around 60 cents a month, and that's cheap enough. I hate to see a fellow worker walk around without his seats being fixed. You promise you're gonna take it out again? Yes, I'll take it out as soon as I can. In a couple of weeks. Okay. Step down here. Give him $25.

[Narrator]

We left the little pawn shop feeling better about all those articles on sale in the winter. If they had all been exchanged for such worthwhile items as new teeth, they had indeed served a good purpose. But we examined our own molars and decided to keep our watch for another six months. A meal in a good restaurant can be a wonderful experience. You sit down comfortably and put your elbows on a snowy tablecloth. You order and the waiter serves you courteously. And as you devour the steaming dishes, you reflect that some things in life really make it worth living. And you stay in this comfortable sort of coma until the check arrives. Have you ever been jarred from such a reverie by realizing that you didn't have the money to pay well? The candid microphone decided to learn what would happen in just such a case. So, emptying our pockets of money, we visited a few restaurants. On the 1st, the proprietor said, if you can't pay the check, that's my tough luck. The three other restaurants were equally lenient. We were beginning to believe we discovered a swell meal ticket. But then we tried a neighborhood bistro that. That brought a different story. With the engineer and his wire recorder in one booth and our man with the candid microphone and adjoining one, we had our usual fine meal. Then we switched on the recorder and call over the manager to give him the sad news. This is a record of what happened.

[Bartender]

Are you the proprietor here, sir? Yes, I am. Sir, I want to tell you that you serve a delicious meal. I really enjoyed it. Thank you very much. But I have a very difficult problem to discuss with you. Can I help you? I haven't got a red cent in my pocket. Did you just find this out, buddy? Well, I thought I had some money, but when I looked in my pocket, they were absolutely empty. But when did you just look at your pocket? Right after. As soon as I got the check. I looked to see if I had any money, and I find I don't have any money at all. Well, look now, buddy, I have enough trouble in my own business without having you bust in here having a meal and telling me you haven't any money. Well, I didn't mean any offense. I just. It just happened that way. Well, you didn't mean any offense, but you're offending. You just had a meal. You were supposed to pay for it. You haven't got the money. You can't raise the money. It's only $1.75. It doesn't matter. This is a business just like any other business I know, but it could happen to anybody that they'd sit in a restaurant and find out they had no money. Well, then can you call someone who would give you reference? I don't live in New York City. Do you have any friends in New York? No, I just came here for a visit for the day. And you have no money on you. How do you expect to get back home? I just don't even know what I'm gonna do. Well, you had no right coming in here and having a meal and not know how you were going to pay for it. Well, it's true I didn't have a right to do it, but I. Well, look here, fella, it's one of two things. Either you get the money up or you work for it. Well, what could I do? I have a little cleaning that might. I don't like that kind of work. Is there anything else you have that you might be able to let me do? Well, that's what I have in mind right now. And how about washing dishes? I'm awful good at that. Well, you're pretty good at eating and not paying. Two, fella. Well, that's true, but ruin my suit and everything else. Well, I have something you can change into. We'll see that you don't ruin your suit for a $75. That's right. How long will I have to work? About two, three hours. That's all. Two, three hours? How much do you pay most of the people around here an hour? About 75 cents an hour. Well, then I should work two and a half hours, is that it? Approximately. Boy, that's really a tough bargain. You. You can't let me wash the dishes. I could do that really good. I mean, I'd really earn it quickly. Look, fella, I don't want any more talk from you. You go to work or I get a policeman. I want to see this thing through. I have no time for you. Okay. Where do we go? You come along with me. I'll show you.

[Narrator]

Well, that's the arithmetic of life. One good meal equals $1.75. Or two and a half hours of work in the kitchen. So if you should ever find yourself with a full stomach and an empty pocket, it's quite possible you've eaten yourself into a date with a mop.

[Allen Funt]

I have a word for those of you who tuned in late. When you take a photograph, you can pose your subject, use scenery, backdrop, special lights and makeup. Or else you can ditch all the props and shoot a candid snapshot. Your subject may be smack in the middle of a yawn or a sneeze, but if you're lucky, you'll get an honest picture. On this program, we try to apply the same principles to radio. We use everyday people who don't know a microphone from a hole in the wall. We talk to those people, capture their reply in a hidden microphone which is recording every candid syllable. Then we select a half dozen secretly made recordings, tell a little about how each was made and let you hear them. So if you care for people unposed, unrehearsed and unaware, have a listen to the candid microp.

[Narrator]

The average individual passes his life quietly among his friends and his relatives. And is never known to the world at large. Is he satisfied with his lot, we wondered, or is he secretly wishing that he could leave a little mark on the world, if only in the fresh cement of somebody's new sidewalk? The candid microphone proposed to find an average individual and give him an opportunity to groom his ego. We couldn't give him anything permanent, like a cabinet post or leading a new Picture. But in our own small way, we could give him his little moment of satisfaction if he wanted it. Now, an easy way to find an average individual is to post yourself outside of a subway entrance. You find a man who's about to take the subway. He's average. So we set up our recorder there and looked over the field. Our girl reporter soon spotted a man who looked entirely satisfied with his average position in society. Pushing her way through the crowd, she hailed him eagerly and asked him.

[Victim]

Excuse me, sir. May I have your autograph?

[Allen Funt]

What are you talking about?

[Victim]

Well, I know you. I've seen you in several pictures. I can't think of your name, but please, would you sign it? And I know I've seen you. What's your name?

[Allen Funt]

Well, it really doesn't matter. Who do you think I am?

[Victim]

Well, I can't think of his name, but I know if you told me your name, I'd know.

[Allen Funt]

Who do you think I am?

[Victim]

I know. I've seen. Seen you. I seen you.

[Bartender]

I'm sorry. You're making a great mistake.

[Victim]

No. You played the part of a gangster. You had a scar.

[Allen Funt]

No, I've never been a gangster. I haven't any scar.

[Bartender]

I don't.

[Victim]

Look, I know I saw you just the other night. You had just a small part. But I've seen you so much. Won't you.

[Allen Funt]

What difference does it make to you who I am? And if I gave you your. My autograph, what difference would that make?

[Victim]

Because I know I collect autographs. I have a lot of them and I know.

[Allen Funt]

Why don't you run around to some theater and wait at a stage door and just leave me alone, please.

[Victim]

My. My best friend likes you very much. I know. She rode away for your picture and got an autograph.

[Allen Funt]

You're the one who looks like an actress. If we can sit down for a minute, maybe we can straighten this thing out.

[Victim]

You don't know me, but I know I've seen.

[Allen Funt]

Do you live around here?

[Victim]

That has absolutely nothing to do with it. Won't you please take two minutes and straighten out?

[Bartender]

Sorry, I'm not interested in that. It's very foolish.

[Victim]

It wouldn't mean a thing to you. All you'd have to do is take out a pen and sign it. Please. And I save them. It means so much to me.

[Bartender]

Look, will you please go away?

[Allen Funt]

Will you leave me alone?

[Bartender]

I don't want to sign anything.

[Allen Funt]

I don't want to write any autographs. My name doesn't mean anything to you.

[Victim]

I know. If I heard your name, I'd Recognize it. What is your name?

[Bartender]

It doesn't matter. I'm sorry.

[Victim]

I wish you'd sign it for me. It would just take a minute.

[Bartender]

Please, just don't bother me.

[Allen Funt]

Look, you're attracting a crowd around here.

[Victim]

Maybe it's you that's attracting the crab. Maybe someone else recognizes.

[Bartender]

I think you're wrong. You're making quite a mistake.

[Victim]

I'm sure I'm not. Won't you spy?

[Bartender]

Well, all right.

[Allen Funt]

If it'll make you happy, I'll put my name down. It doesn't mean anything to you at all.

[Victim]

I'm sure it will.

[Bartender]

Wait a minute.

[Allen Funt]

Let me have your pencil.

[Bartender]

Okay.

[Allen Funt]

There. Now. You've never seen that before.

[Victim]

I know I have.

[Allen Funt]

Now I'm sure you're crazy.

[Narrator]

We could conclude from this that the average individual prefers to stay average and will consent to being famous only if wheedle into it, preferably by a pretty girl. But we've left ourselves with a final question on this experiment. Now we've got his autograph. What are we going to do with it? Bernard Shaw put it very well. Childhood, he said. It's a wonderful thing. What a shame to waste it on children. And it's perfectly true. We think it takes an adult to really appreciate childhood. A few days ago, we were seized with the desire to recapture some of the unaffected happiness that goes with being a kid. We wanted to hear them playing among themselves without the presence of an adult to put a damper on them. And in this way, we thought some of the happiness of our own childhood might be recalled. Feeling that our candid microphone listeners may occasionally have the same urgent. We resolved to do something about it. So we located a likely pair of Moffats, a little girl and a little boy. And with their parents permission, we hid a microphone in their playroom. The children were then ushered into the room and introduced to a new kitten, after which the adults retired and the little boy and girl were left alone with the kitten and the microphone. Here's a fragment of the record that was made.

[Victim]

A pussycat. Be careful. This is more fun upstairs playing Pussycat. Oh, no. Be careful. Oh, yes. Don't fall. Yimmy. Look at her feet moving. I love it. Ooh, Be careful. Like that. Cute. Now let her alone, Jimmy. Let her walk where she wants to. Stop it now. Jimmy, get on the side so she can walk around. Yeah, I'm a blanket. She can't get off, could she?

[Bartender]

Let me.

[Victim]

No. Let me tell her. Look at her little tail. Much too rough. Bye, baby. On the treetop when the wind Blows the cradle will fall and down will come baby, cradle and all.

[Narrator]

In thinking over this little recording, it was hard to decide whether we'd rather be one of the children or the kitten. But we finally chose the latter. The kitten, we said, will never have anything to worry about. There's something about the atmosphere of a woman's private world that can put a man completely off his trolley, turn him loose in a beauty shop or in one of those specialty shops that deal in filmy undergarments. The average gentle want to turn turtle and pull his head in his collar, feeling that a permanent record should be made of such misery. The candid microphone arranged with the proprietary or specialty shop to set up our record in back of the lingerie counter. The microphone was concealed in a counter display. Then followed a long wait until a man who suited our purpose should arrive. Finally, we had our reward. The poor male came in the door hesitantly and shuffled to our lingerie counter with reluctant steps. The guy was obviously sent by his wife. We switched on the recorder and picked up this exchange between the poor devil and the salesgirl.

[Victim]

Can I help you, sir?

[Bartender]

Yes, I've got a thing here, Malachi. Wife wants to exchange it. Too big. She wants a size 24. This is a 26.

[Victim]

May I see it, please? Well, we don't have this garter belt in this color in the size that you want. But I do have it in a rose and white. Would you care to see them?

[Bartender]

Well, I'm not up on these things. I don't know anything about them. She just wanted to exchange it in size. Should she have another black one?

[Victim]

No, we don't. Sorry.

[Bartender]

Well, could you order it?

[Victim]

Oh, I'm afraid that would take from two to four weeks. If you want that, we could.

[Bartender]

No, I don't think that'll do. If she wanted me to get it today.

[Victim]

Well, wouldn't you like to see the rose and the white? They're the same thing, just different colors.

[Bartender]

Well, apparently she likes black. I don't know about these things.

[Victim]

Oh, I'm sure she'd like the other ones just as much. They're much more practical for this time.

[Bartender]

Of the year, you know. Why is that?

[Victim]

Well, with black gala belt, you have to wear black lingerie. And with the other ones, well, you don't.

[Bartender]

Well, no, she wanted black. I think probably I'd better take this home. If you give me back the black and I'll take it home, let her come in and get it.

[Victim]

Why don't you take the white or the rose home and let her look at those. And then if she doesn't like them, you can always return them.

[Bartender]

No, no, I'm not going to go through this again. Let her do it. Thank you very much.

[Victim]

You're welcome.

[Narrator]

From this experience we want to issue the following summary which will be of interest to men only. Women, we say, have shrouded themselves in an atmosphere of sacred silken mystery in order to make a man feel like an ox. And our one hope is to be a thorough ox and stay out at pasture. Then, if the women want us, let them meet us there on our own terms. It's the only way. The morning radio these days offers you the possibilities of having breakfast with a number of famous couples, all of whom are bright and cheerful and bubbling over with wonderful things to say. Listening to this over our own silent breakfast, we grew fearful that the average married couple might well lose their perspective and feel that their marriage was unsuccessful because they too couldn't be cheerful and talky over the morning coffee. To correct this situation, we decided to broadcast a typical awakening in the household of the most happily married couple we know. The practice there, it seems, is for her to hear the alarm and get up immediately whereupon she makes the breakfast and then returns to awaken her husband. And therein lies the joker. This husband has a little trouble waking up. He would, as a matter of fact, serve as a good model for a bear being routed out in mid winter. So the other morning, the wife, after making breakfast, went to the front door and admitted the candid microphone. With our recording equipment, there was no necessity for concealment. The old man was too far out of this world. She just held the mic and went through the usual routine of trying to get him up.

[Bartender]

Tom. Tom, it's time to get up, darling. The clock rang 15 minutes ago. All right, honey, I'll be right up. Right up. Come on up there. We've got a lot to do today. You're supposed to be in early.

[Victim]

Tom.

[Bartender]

Tom. Yes, I know. Come on, darling, you can't keep this up. Don't stall any longer. Shall I light a cigarette for you? Will you remember that it's lit? Listen, will you please get lost for a minute, please? I'll be right up. Tom, please. You can't get around anymore. Watch that cigarette. All right, I'm up. I'm up. The coffee's ready. Tom. Tom, coffee's ready. All right, honey. Your orange juice is nice and cold. All right, honey. Come on, darling, don't kid around, please. I'm up. I'm up. Honey. Darling, try to get up. Please. All right. Honey, I'm up.

[Victim]

It's late.

[Bartender]

Well, if you're up while you. All right, listen, I'll be up. Just leave me alone, will you, please? Every morning. Every morning.

[Victim]

I'm tired of it.

[Bartender]

Will you please get up? Will you please go in? Lose yourself, honey. Please. Tom. Tom, you're late. I don't want to have to speak to you again. Will you please get out of bed? All right, I'm up, Tom. Well, then, open your eyes. Look as though you're alive for a moment, will you. Will you please look as though you're getting lost for a moment. Please go away. Let me alone, will you? I think if you take a shower, you'll. I think if you go get lost, I feel better. Honey, I don't like you talking to me that way. Once and for all, I insist that you get up out of this bed. All right, J. I'm up. I'm awake. Well, let's see you move. What time is it, Honey? It's very late. It's 9 o'. Clock. 9 o'. Clock.

[Narrator]

And there's one pertinent point about this situation we'd like to make as follows. If you can love the old boy in spite of his morning meanness, then yours is a great love indeed. Your marriage is held together by blind affection. You have nothing to worry about. And so, for tonight, we put the COVID back on our candid microphone.

[Bartender]

Microphone?

[Narrator]

Any resemblance to actual people is not accidental. Although we mention no names, they're all real people who reacted like human beings, never realizing that every word was captured by the candid microphone.

[Allen Funt]

The candid microphone is tailored for your entertainment and we want to hear your candid comments about it. Write to us in care of the American broadcasting company, New York 20. New York. Next week, ABC's Candid microphone will bring you, among other things, the conversation of a babysitter and her boyfriend and the candid recording of a doctor's bedside manner. We hope you'll be listening next Sunday when we'll be heard again over most of these ABC stations. On the technical staff behind the candid microphone are Joe Graham, Ralph Norman and Don Whitty. Candid microphone is a copyrighted Allen A. Funt production. This is abc, the American Broadcasting Company.