Charlie McCarthy Show - 45-10-07 - guest Paulette Goddard, Bergen as a Swami

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Charlie McCarthy Show - 45-10-07" Featuring Paulette Goddard and Bergen as a Swami

Release Date: February 21, 2025

Introduction

In this captivating episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled "Charlie McCarthy Show - 45-10-07," host Edgar Bergen and his iconic puppet, Charlie McCarthy, navigate through a tumultuous storyline featuring guest star Paulette Goddard as a mystical swami. Set against the nostalgic backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, the episode blends humor, drama, and intrigue, offering listeners a delightful homage to classic radio entertainment.

Charlie McCarthy's Decision to Leave

The episode opens with Edgar Bergen expressing his frustration about Charlie's recent behavior. At [00:08], Ben Brower introduces the show, setting the stage for the evening's interactions. Edgar remarks at [00:39], “I don't know what to do about Charlie. He spent all this last week over at Fred Allen's place,” hinting at underlying tensions.

Charlie's casual greeting at [00:39], “Hello, everybody,” contrasts Edgar's concern, leading to playful banter between the two. The atmosphere shifts when Charlie bluntly states his intention to leave:

Notable Quote:

• Charlie McCarthy [04:36]: “So you're packing, Charlie? Yes, Thurgy, I see. You're actually leaving me.”

The Bookkeeping Argument: Edgar vs. Mortimer Snerd

As tensions escalate, Mortimer Snerd enters the fray, representing Edgar's loyal sidekick. The conversation takes a comedic turn when Mortimer accuses Edgar of faulty bookkeeping:

Notable Quote:

• Mortimer Snerd [09:34]: “Well, just out of curiosity, explain. Explain this item right here. That one?”
• Edgar Bergen [09:34]: “That's all. You've been making coleslaw out of my happy cabbage is.”

This exchange highlights the classic comedic interplay between Edgar and Mortimer, adding levity to the brewing conflict.

The Plan to Retain Charlie: Disguise as a Swami

Determined to prevent Charlie's departure, Edgar devises a plan inspired by Charlie's suggestion. At [19:38], Charlie slyly advises, “Why don't you disguise yourself as a Hindu swami? Then you can advise him that he's making a big mistake.”

Edgar contemplates the feasibility of this disguise, emphasizing the lengths he'll go to retain Charlie:

Notable Quote:

• Edgar Bergen [19:50]: “Well, I might try it. But just to play safe, I better put some false whiskers on. And the dialect, you know.”

Paulette Goddard’s character, portrayed as the swami, becomes instrumental in this plan, adding a mystical dimension to the narrative.

The Attempted Seance and Confrontation

The schemed seance unfolds when Edgar and Mortimer seek Ray Noble's apartment as the venue. Miscommunications and humorous obstacles arise, particularly with Ray's reluctance and the quirky character Ursul Twing taking over as the cab driver.

Upon arriving at the swami’s place, Paulette Goddard’s character, Ellie Bay, engages with the characters, delivering cryptic messages about Edgar’s future:

Notable Quote:

• Paulette Goddard (Ellie Bay) [24:16]: “The great swami knows everything.”
• Mortimer Snerd [25:23]: “Your future is getting very dark. In fact, everything is getting very dark.”

The seance culminates in a comedic twist where Ray Noble’s sudden appearance disrupts the mystical ambiance, leading to heightened drama as Edgar and Mortimer confront the implications of Charlie’s potential departure.

The Aftermath and Resolution

Following the chaotic seance, Edgar and Mortimer grapple with the repercussions of their actions. Mortimer definitively declares his separation from Charlie, solidifying the show's central conflict:

Notable Quote:

• Mortimer Snerd [26:06]: “I'm through with you for good.”

The episode closes with a bittersweet melody performed by Anita Gordon and Ray Noble, encapsulating the emotional turmoil and unresolved tensions between the characters.

Conclusion

"Charlie McCarthy Show - 45-10-07" delivers a rich tapestry of humor, heartfelt moments, and classic radio charm. Through expertly crafted dialogue and engaging character dynamics, the episode captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio while introducing fresh narrative twists. Paulette Goddard’s portrayal of the swami adds a unique flair, blending mysticism with the traditional comedic elements that fans have come to love. This episode stands as a testament to the enduring appeal of Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, inviting both longtime listeners and new audiences to revel in nostalgic storytelling.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Charlie McCarthy [04:36]: "So you're packing, Charlie? Yes, Thurgy, I see. You're actually leaving me."
• Mortimer Snerd [09:34]: "Well, just out of curiosity, explain. Explain this item right here. That one?"
• Charlie McCarthy [19:38]: "Why don't you disguise yourself as a Hindu swami? Then you can advise him that he's making a big mistake."
• Paulette Goddard (Ellie Bay) [24:16]: "The great swami knows everything."
• Mortimer Snerd [26:06]: "I'm through with you for good."

This episode masterfully intertwines humor and drama, staying true to the spirit of old-time radio while offering a fresh and engaging listening experience.

Transcript

[Ben Brower]

With Charlie McCarthy Show. This is Ben Brower, Ladies and gentlemen, greeting you on behalf of Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Ray Noble and his orchestra. Anita Gordon, Mortimer Snerd, Ursul Twing. And our charming guest for the evening, Paulette Goddard. And here's Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.

[Edgar Bergen]

I don't know what to do about Charlie. He spent all this last week over at Fred Allen's place.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Hello, everybody.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, Paulette Goddard.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Where'S my little timber wolf?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Here I am a comin a running.

[Edgar Bergen]

And that brought him back.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Have you missed me, Charlie?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, you'll never know.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Have you been true to me?

[Mortimer Snerd]

You'll never know.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Say, Edgar, I caught your show at the Waldorf last night. I thought. Oh, yes. I thought you made a brilliant showing.

[Edgar Bergen]

Oh, did you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

That happens every time a spotlight hits his noggin.

[Edgar Bergen]

Oh, no. Please, no.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, Charlie, by the way, I have something to tell you.

[Anita Gordon]

Oh, Charlie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes, Anita, come here.

[Anita Gordon]

I have something to tell you.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Uh.

[Edgar Bergen]

Oh.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Looks like a squeeze play.

[Anita Gordon]

Oh, well, I don't mean to intrude. I was just going to tell you about my new song.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, why tell it, dear? Just sing it.

[Anita Gordon]

Every time you're near a road Aren't you glad you got a note? And if the dawn is fresh with dew Aren't you glad you're you? When a meadow lark appears Aren't you glad you've got two ears? And if your heart is singing too Aren't you glad you're you? You can see a summer sky or touch a friend Friendly ham Or taste an apple pie. Pardon the grammar, but ain't like gray. And when you wake up each morn Aren't you glad that you were born? Think what you've got the whole day through. Aren't you glad you're you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

That was cute, idiot. Sing it again, huh?

[Charlie McCarthy]

Okay.

[Anita Gordon]

If you'll help me out.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Glad. Lydia. Anything for you.

[Anita Gordon]

Every time you're near a rose Aren't you glad you got a nose?

[Ray Noble]

See?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Not with his face, either.

[Edgar Bergen]

No.

[Ray Noble]

And if the dawn is fresh with.

[Anita Gordon]

Dew Aren't you glad you're you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Need my old modest way.

[Anita Gordon]

When a meadow luck appears Aren't you glad you've got two ears?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I'd look kind of silly with three, wouldn't I?

[Anita Gordon]

And if your heart is singing too Aren't you glad you're you? You can taste an apple pie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, yummy, yummy. I got an itchy feeling in my tummy.

[Anita Gordon]

Or touch a friendly hand. Pardon the grammar, but ain't life grand? And when you wake up each morning Aren't you glad that you were born what would match?

[Mortimer Snerd]

I wouldn't hear if I wasn't your.

[Anita Gordon]

Whole day through Are you glad you're you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, when Bergen's around the end Aren't you glad you're you when you're around?

[Edgar Bergen]

Hubba hubba hubba hubba O.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Now let's see. Let's see if I got everything in this old suitcase here. See, I put in my shirts and ties and I got my everyday Monaco and my bean shooter.

[Edgar Bergen]

So you're packing, Charlie? Yes, Thurgy, I see. You're actually leaving me.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes, Mr. Thurgan, I see. As soon as I pack the rest of these hankies, I'll be ready to blow.

[Edgar Bergen]

I don't you think, Charlie, that you better reconsider.

[Mortimer Snerd]

It's no use, Thurgen.

[Ray Noble]

It's.

[Mortimer Snerd]

It's just no use. I tell you, this is not only final, it's semi final. Is that right?

[Edgar Bergen]

But Charlie, once you said that we'd be friends to the end.

[Mortimer Snerd]

That's what I said. That's what I said. And this is the end. I see.

[Edgar Bergen]

But Charlie, you can't leave me just like this. You just can't do it. It isn't fair.

[Mortimer Snerd]

What do you want, alimony?

[Edgar Bergen]

No.

[Anita Gordon]

Gee.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Holy Moses, no.

[Edgar Bergen]

I'm just wondering what I'll do when you're gone.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, you can always go back and live with your folks.

[Edgar Bergen]

I must confess, Charlie, that I. I get rather depressed feeling, you know, watching you pack.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, then turn your back. At least while I'm packing this camera of yours.

[Edgar Bergen]

You're not stealing my camera, are you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Stealing is an ugly word.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah, let's say redistribution. Well, Charlie, you. You've always been a problem to me.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah?

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes. But I'm. I'm going to miss you anyway.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, well, so you won't be too lonesome, I'll give you my pet rat.

[Edgar Bergen]

Oh, what'll I do with your pet rat?

[Mortimer Snerd]

You can teach him to talk. I don't know.

[Edgar Bergen]

All right, well, remember, I still have Mortimer Snurd. Young man, he wouldn't run out on me.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, no, no, he wouldn't do that.

[Edgar Bergen]

Mortimer's heart is in the right place.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah, but is his brain all right?

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, you think you're so smart, leaving me for Fred Allen.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah.

[Edgar Bergen]

Don't you?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes, I do. He's the answer to my prayers, that boy.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Alan be praised. Alan be praised.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, what's he got that I haven't got?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Your meal ticket, bud.

[Edgar Bergen]

I see. Well, I. I don't like to Say anything against Fred Allen, you better not either.

[Mortimer Snerd]

That man is a prince.

[Paulette Goddard]

Yes.

[Mortimer Snerd]

He's not even gonna make me go to school either.

[Edgar Bergen]

Why should he? Illiteracy loves company.

[Mortimer Snerd]

I'll bet. If Alan were here, we wouldn't have. We'd have an answer for that. Link you.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, if your mind is made up, then, Charlie, then you can go.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Thank you.

[Edgar Bergen]

But I want you to remember that my door will always swing both ways.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Are you moving into a saloon?

[Edgar Bergen]

No, no. I love those digs, you know. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, if you ever want to come back, you'll find that your room is just as you left it.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, who wants to come back to that mess?

[Edgar Bergen]

Or Charlie? I. I hope, in spite of this difference, I hope someday that we will meet again.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah, sure. It's okay.

[Edgar Bergen]

At least we'll say hello.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, sure, sure.

[Ursul Twing]

Yes.

[Mortimer Snerd]

No hard feelings like that.

[Edgar Bergen]

No. Maybe someday we'll pass on the street.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Sure, sure, sure. I'll be big about it. I'll lean over to gutter and smile down at you. I don't care what I say. I'm leaving anyway. I got none to lose, you know.

[Paulette Goddard]

Charlie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes, what is it, Becky?

[Edgar Bergen]

Won't you. Won't you change your mind about this whole thing and maybe stay with me?

[Mortimer Snerd]

I'll say nothing, Charlie.

[Edgar Bergen]

Now, Charlie, you, you, you. Maybe we're being a little bit hasty. Listen, Charlie, you know. Please. Please, Charlie.

[Anita Gordon]

Me, me, me, me, me.

[Edgar Bergen]

Charlie, things don't coax.

[Mortimer Snerd]

I may weaken and stay or I can. I hate myself in the morning.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes. Listen, Charlie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Let go my lapel.

[Edgar Bergen]

All right, all right. You might be much happier here.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Ah, cut it out. Begin. I ain't gonna mix sediment with this business.

[Paulette Goddard]

All right.

[Mortimer Snerd]

We're gonna settle our accounts right now.

[Edgar Bergen]

Okay.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Here are the books. How do we stand? Give me the debits and the credits.

[Edgar Bergen]

If I'd known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have bothered keeping books.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, you wouldn't?

[Edgar Bergen]

No.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, what I want to know is this. Have you been keeping the books or have the books been keeping you?

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, just where do you suspect anything is wrong with my bookkeeping?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, mostly starting with page one.

[Edgar Bergen]

I see.

[Mortimer Snerd]

I don't know. I don't see how anyone can keep such crooked accounts on straight lines, you know.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, all these counts are in order. And according to these books, you see, I don't owe you a cent.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Just as I suspected.

[Edgar Bergen]

The books are all out of focus. Oh, no.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, just out of curiosity, explain. Explain this item right here. That one?

[Ray Noble]

Yeah.

[Mortimer Snerd]

That one right There.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, what's that for? Well, that's. That's. Well, it's. Well, it could be. That's all, brother.

[Mortimer Snerd]

That's all. You've been making coleslaw out of my happy cabbage is.

[Edgar Bergen]

Hello, mortimer.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, hello, Mr. Bergen. You. You look kind of. Kind of sad and depressed.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes. Yes, Mortimer, I. I hate to say this, but Charlie and I are saying goodbye. Well, yes.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Okay.

[Edgar Bergen]

Good boy. Well, no, no, no, no, no.

[Paulette Goddard]

Oh, no.

[Mortimer Snerd]

What? You said, good boy.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, I mean, not to you.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, was he? I didn't know.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah, you see, what I mean is, Charlie is quitting me. Charlie is quitting me, so. Yes, but at least I know you're loyal. I say Charlie is quitting me.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, you just said that.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes, I know, but at least I know you're loyal.

[Mortimer Snerd]

No, I'm more than her.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah, I know you're more than.

[Mortimer Snerd]

You. Talk. Kind of dumb.

[Paulette Goddard]

Yeah, he is.

[Edgar Bergen]

No, what I mean is that I feel that I will, you know, you and I will stick together for good.

[Mortimer Snerd]

We will?

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes. How do you feel?

[Mortimer Snerd]

I think the feeling is mucilage.

[Edgar Bergen]

Mucilage. Well, I'm glad to hear that.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad you hear that, too. Yes, it's nice to feel that way.

[Paulette Goddard]

Yes.

[Mortimer Snerd]

However, that is, it's nice to feel. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, you know the old saying.

[Mortimer Snerd]

That's pretty good.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't said it.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, excuse me.

[Edgar Bergen]

And that is this. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, well, well, there's a lot, too.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah.

[Paulette Goddard]

You know who said that?

[Edgar Bergen]

I say, you know who said that?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I ain't quite sure. I think you did.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah, I did.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah.

[Edgar Bergen]

Now, this is what I want to talk to you about, Mortimer.

[Paulette Goddard]

Do you think.

[Edgar Bergen]

Do you think, Mortimer, that you can fill Charlie's shoes?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I don't know. Can you give me a rough idea how many feet he's got?

[Paulette Goddard]

Yes.

[Edgar Bergen]

I want you to pay attention. To take Charlie's place now.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yep.

[Edgar Bergen]

You'll have to be smart, and you've got to be sophisticated. Well, I say you'll have to be sophisticated.

[Mortimer Snerd]

I don't think so.

[Edgar Bergen]

No, no, no, listen.

[Mortimer Snerd]

No, it won't work.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yes, it will. Why won't it?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, you know the old saying, you can't make a silk ear out of a sow's purse.

[Paulette Goddard]

Oh, no, no, no, that ain't right.

[Edgar Bergen]

What's that?

[Mortimer Snerd]

No, I got a little twisted. Yeah. You can't make a silk purse in a pig's eye.

[Edgar Bergen]

No. Well, that's no way to talk about yourself.

[Mortimer Snerd]

No.

[Edgar Bergen]

You must have confidence. Yeah, why, sure. You must tell yourself that you can do it.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, shucks. I ain't silly enough to listen to what I say.

Oh, I.

[Edgar Bergen]

You're getting old enough to hold a responsible job. How old are you now?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I'm about. See, I'm about 14. Going on 13.

[Edgar Bergen]

Going on 13? What do you mean, going on 13?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I'm a little backward.

[Paulette Goddard]

I see.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, I still think you can take Charlie's place if you try hard. Yeah, I think you've got it in you.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, you might got something there too. You know, I may seem dumb.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah.

[Mortimer Snerd]

But once when I set my mind to something.

[Paulette Goddard]

Yeah?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, it just sits there.

[Edgar Bergen]

Just sets there. How can you be so stupid?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I'm right up on the subject.

[Ben Brower]

Our lovely little Anita Gordon sings.

[Edgar Bergen]

But I did.

[Anita Gordon]

I don't wanna phone you again But.

[Ray Noble]

I.

[Anita Gordon]

I didn't wanna see you again But I did I had a certain feeling for you that bothered me I had to find out what the hidden charms could be I didn't wanna hug you again but I did.

[Ray Noble]

I didn't.

[Anita Gordon]

Wanna kiss you again Did I Must have been too thin at all doing what I did I didn't want to fall in love but I did.

[Edgar Bergen]

I.

[Anita Gordon]

Didn'T want to hug you again but.

[Ray Noble]

I did.

[Anita Gordon]

I didn't want to kiss you again but I did I must have been to a set of metal Doing what I did I didn't wanna fall in love but I.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Edgar, why don't you tell Charlie you're sorry and patch up that silly quarrel.

[Edgar Bergen]

No, no, Paulette. You see, after all, I have my pride.

[Charlie McCarthy]

I know, but can you make a living with it?

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, I must admit that I'm a little worried about that. Well, that Charlie likes you, you know that he does. Now, maybe you could. You could talk to him.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, no, that's no good.

[Edgar Bergen]

Oh, why not?

[Charlie McCarthy]

Well, whenever I'm around, he never wants to talk.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, we. If we could only think of some new way, some novel way that we could convince him that he shouldn't team up with Fred Allen, you see.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Well, do you think that he'll really go through with that?

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, I don't know. I'm no fortune teller.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Now, wait a minute, Edgar. Fortune teller. That's it.

[Edgar Bergen]

That's it.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah.

[Edgar Bergen]

That's what?

[Charlie McCarthy]

No, no. Why don't. Why don't you disguise yourself as a Hindu swami? Then you can advise him that he's making a big mistake.

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah, but he'd recognize me not with.

[Charlie McCarthy]

A towel wrapped around your head.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well. Well, I might try it. But just to play safe, I better put some false whiskers on. And the dialect, you know.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Yeah, but now, you know what you'll have to do? You have to get an apartment or someplace to hold your seance.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, maybe Ray can help us out with that. Ray.

[Ray Noble]

Yes, what is it, Egg Ray?

[Edgar Bergen]

We're looking for an apartment.

[Ray Noble]

Who isn't, old boy?

[Anita Gordon]

No.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, we just want to borrow the key to your apartment.

[Ray Noble]

Key?

[Edgar Bergen]

Yeah. Yes. What for?

[Charlie McCarthy]

Well, he wants to use your place for a seance. You know, where you call on the spirits and ghosts.

[Ray Noble]

Oh, really? Well, what you need is a skeleton key.

[Ben Brower]

Skeleton?

[Ray Noble]

Don't you see? Oh, we get it. Skeleton, ghost.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, what we want is just the key. Can we have the key?

[Ray Noble]

Oh, no, there isn't any. The door's always open.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, but what about the burglar?

[Ray Noble]

Oh, my dear, you know better than that. They always come in the window.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, Charlie's coming, Edgar.

[Edgar Bergen]

Well, I'd better hurry over to the apartment and I'll set the stage.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Yes, and I'll set the trap.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well. Well, good night, Bergen. Hello, Fred. Oh, hello, Paulette. Thy pet.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Hello, Charlie. Say, what's all this about your leaving, Edgar?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah. Bergen and I have completely broken up. Homogenized is the word, I think.

[Charlie McCarthy]

But seriously, Charlie, you know, I don't think that you should make a change without the advice of some occult person who knows all and sees all.

[Mortimer Snerd]

You mean a truant officer?

[Charlie McCarthy]

No, I mean a swami. And I know just the man who can advise you. He has a nice quiet place with the lights and boats.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, yeah. Well, let's grab a cab and get going, huh? Maybe he won't be there. Oh, Paulette, it's so wonderful riding together through the park. But when I'm. I'm all alone with you, you know, I get so. I don't know. I get so. Charlie, maybe you better hold my hand so I can relax.

[Charlie McCarthy]

I'll hold both your hands so I can relax.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Oh, pull out. Isn't it cozy here?

[Anita Gordon]

Isn't it?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Just you and me in this taxi.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Just the two of us.

[Ursul Twing]

Well, Franz, I'm here too. I'm the driver, and my name's Ursul Twing. Yes, yes, Ursul Twing. And I'm here. Yes, I'm here. Just as big as life and twice as natural. Well, no, not exactly quite twice as is natural, but once and a half, anyway.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Do you own this hat?

[Ursul Twing]

Oh, yes. Isn't it peachy?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes.

[Ursul Twing]

Would you ever, ever, ever think it was secondhand?

[Charlie McCarthy]

No. It looks like you made it yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Ursul Twing]

You're just trying to get under my skin. Well, that's silly too, because there isn't room for anybody in there but me. And I was there first and I can prove it.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Gad, what a gabby cabby. Huh?

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, Charlie, stop complaining. Look at the scenery.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yes, how the moon is so low and the air is so full of romance.

[Ursul Twing]

Well, that isn't romance. No, no, that's just the wind blowing from the zoo. And oh, friend, right over there is the Hudson River.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, so was.

[Ray Noble]

Uh huh.

[Ursul Twing]

Yep. Now, what would you like to see next?

[Mortimer Snerd]

You at the bottom of it.

[Anita Gordon]

Oh.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Driver, why are you stopping?

[Ursul Twing]

I'll tell you why. I've just got a good mat on right now and I'm just as mad as all get out.

[Charlie McCarthy]

We'll open the door and we'll all get out. This is our destination anyway, Charlie.

[Ursul Twing]

Yes, and if I've said anything I'm sorry for, I'm glad of it too, because now you've gone and got me into a snitten. So just get yourselves out and never you back on my running board again. Goodbye.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Here's the swami's place, Charlie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Sounds like they lid to Bergen's cash box.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Come on in. My, it's dark in here.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Yeah, the lights are lower than my intentions.

[Edgar Bergen]

I saw something move.

[Mortimer Snerd]

What is that?

[Paulette Goddard]

Good evening. I am the great Ellie Bay.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Are you the salami or the swami?

[Paulette Goddard]

Yes, I see. The unseeable know the unknowable.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Do you unscrew the unscrupulous?

[Paulette Goddard]

The great swami knows everything.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Does the great swami know its whiskers are on crooked?

[Paulette Goddard]

Oh, thank you. As the great mystics say, all is nothing. Nothing is all.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Egad, Guy. Sensational.

[Paulette Goddard]

Now, what did you wish to ask the swami?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, I'll tell you, Waldorf.

[Paulette Goddard]

And why do you call me Waldorf?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Isn't that your name on the towel?

No.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Charlie, be serious. The swami's trying to help you.

[Paulette Goddard]

Thank you, dear madam. Madam, as I look deep into the crystal, I see you are about to leave a man named Bergen who is very kind and big hearted.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Big hearted? Either that chrysalis cracked or you are.

[Paulette Goddard]

You must beware of a man with bags under his eyes who talks through his nose.

[Charlie McCarthy]

And his initials are F as in Fred and A as in Alan.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Now who could that be? Give me another hint.

[Paulette Goddard]

The man will reduce you to poverty.

[Edgar Bergen]

What do you mean reduce me?

[Paulette Goddard]

Oh, yes, your future is getting very dark in Fact, everything is getting very dark.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Well, no wonder. The towel slipped down over your eyes.

[Paulette Goddard]

Now I see. Here's this man Alan, standing on the corner. You are in rags, selling papers.

[Edgar Bergen]

Selling papers?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Well, Birkennell even made me do that. What's Alan doing?

[Paulette Goddard]

He's taking the money away from you.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Why, the dirty cheapskate. Well, don't just sit there, call the police.

[Ray Noble]

Police.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Police.

[Mortimer Snerd]

See, they got her quick, didn't they? Come in.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, that's Ray Noble.

[Paulette Goddard]

And what do you want?

[Ray Noble]

I say, Edgar, old boy, I'm taking a shower. May I have my Turkish towel, old boy?

[Mortimer Snerd]

Bergen, I was framed. Let me out of here.

[Edgar Bergen]

But Charlie.

[Mortimer Snerd]

Don't talk to me, you snake in the chin grass you. Now I'm through with you for good.

[Charlie McCarthy]

Oh, Charlie, what about me?

[Mortimer Snerd]

I'm through with you too, Paulette. You soft shoulder on the road to success. You. Mr. Allen. Oh, friend.

[Ben Brower]

Here's Charlie's little protege.

[Ursul Twing]

Anita Gordon Singing I'll Buy that dream.

[Ray Noble]

Imagine me with my head on his.

[Anita Gordon]

Shoulder and you with your lips getting bolder.

[Ray Noble]

A sigh full of moon and a sweet mellow tune all by that dream. Imagine me in a gown, white and flowery and you thanking dad for my dowry. A church bluffer and those last minute.

[Anita Gordon]

Joy that dream A honeymoon in Cairo.

[Ray Noble]

In a brand new autogyro Then home by rocket.

[Anita Gordon]

In a week.

[Ray Noble]

We'Ll settle down near.

[Anita Gordon]

Dallas in a little plastic palace.

[Ray Noble]

It's not as crazy as you think. Imagine me on our first anniversary with someone like you in the nursery. It doesn't sound bad and if it doesn't, can be help. Imagine me on a first anniversary with someone like you in the nursery. It doesn't sound bad and if it can be heard.

[Ben Brower]

This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.