Chet Chetter's Tales From The Morgue xxxxxx 03 Elmer and The Book of Absolute Truth

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Chet Cheddar's Tales From The Morgue - Episode 03: Elmer and The Book of Absolute Truth"

Introduction

In this thrilling installment of "Chet Cheddar's Tales From The Morgue," listeners are transported to the heart of a suspenseful adventure starring Elmer Corn, a humble manure hauler from Biloxi. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, this episode masterfully blends classic radio storytelling with modern twists, captivating audiences with its blend of mystery, action, and dark humor.

Plot Overview

The episode begins with Elmer Corn enjoying a peaceful moment, unaware that his life is about to take a dramatic turn. Enter Otto J. Williamsburg, a wealthy and enigmatic figure who offers Elmer a seemingly lucrative proposition: embark on a perilous quest to find the elusive "Book of Absolute Truth" in exchange for a quarter of a million dollars.

Formation of the Alliance

Elmer, initially hesitant, succumbs to curiosity and the promise of financial gain. With humorous undertones, he prepares for his adventure, hoping to return in time to watch a wrestling match on TV. The journey leads him to the opulent estate of Otto J. Williamsburg, where he encounters an array of eccentric characters and faces unexpected challenges.

Key Characters

• Elmer Corn: A down-to-earth manure hauler whose bravery and resourcefulness drive the narrative forward.

  "Well, sir, I ain't one for taking off with a bunch of strangers, but... if you ain't got my curiosity." (04:24)

• Otto J. Williamsburg: A wealthy magnate seeking adventure beyond the superficial entertainments of television, whose true intentions remain shadowed until later in the story.

  "I seek a human adventure, Mr. Corn. One with real life experiences." (06:34)

• Achmed: The manager of the local café in Kashtar, a pivotal character who assists Elmer in his quest despite initial misconceptions about his intentions.

The Quest Begins

Elmer's journey takes him to Kashtar, a small country near India, where he meets Achmed at the Cafe Idia. The narrative intensifies as Elmer confronts hostile locals and navigates through the perilous "Cave of a Thousand Terrors," filled with dangerous creatures like rabid monkeys and piranhas. These challenges test Elmer's courage and determination.

Notable Encounters and Challenges

1. The Cave of a Thousand Terrors: Elmer faces a series of life-threatening obstacles, including a pack of rabid monkeys and the treacherous Piranha Pool.

   "First, you will confront a pack of rabid monkeys. Then... the Piranha Pool." (22:18)

2. Betrayal by Otto Williamsburg: Just when Elmer believes he's succeeded in his mission, Williamsburg reveals his true nature, attempting to sabotage Elmer's efforts to keep the adventure real.

   "The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist. This... was all a game." (26:24)

Climactic Conclusion

In a gripping turn of events, Elmer uncovers that the entire quest was orchestrated by Otto Williamsburg, who sought to fabricate a genuine adventure for personal satisfaction. Despite the betrayal, Elmer's resilience shines through as he narrowly escapes the fabricated dangers, albeit without the promised reward.

Quotes and Highlights

• Elmer Corn on the Offer:

  "Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over." (09:44)

• Williamsburg's Persuasion:

  "You'd be a fool to pass up this offer." (09:55)

• Revelation of Deception:

  "The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist. This... was all a game." (26:24)

• Elmer's Determination:

  "This adventure does not have to end this way." (28:16)

Themes and Insights

This episode delves into themes of greed, deception, and the human desire for adventure. Elmer's journey emphasizes the importance of skepticism and the dangers of blinded ambition. The narrative also satirizes the allure of quick wealth and the lengths individuals might go to in search of meaning beyond mundane existence.

Conclusion

"Chet Cheddar's Tales From The Morgue - Elmer and The Book of Absolute Truth" offers a compelling story that blends suspense with humor, keeping listeners engaged from start to finish. Elmer Corn's misadventures serve as both an entertaining tale and a cautionary narrative about the perils of easy money and manufactured thrills. Harold's Old Time Radio successfully captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio, delivering a memorable episode that resonates with timeless storytelling techniques.

Notable Timestamped Quotes

• Elmer Rejects the Cookie:

  "But you can't split the banana split. Not even a little. Not even a crumb." (00:19)

• Williamsburg's Proposition:

  "There is a book... the Book of Absolute Truth. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked." (08:14)

• Final Twist:

  "The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist. This... was all a game." (26:24)

---

<a id="time-00:19"></a><a id="time-04:24"></a><a id="time-06:34"></a><a id="time-09:44"></a><a id="time-09:55"></a><a id="time-22:18"></a><a id="time-26:24"></a><a id="time-28:16"></a>

Transcript

[Elmer Corn]

Mmm. Oh, whatcha eating? The new banana split cookie from AM pm All freshly baked with real butter with banana, chocolate and strawberry flavors. Wow, that sounds amazing. Can I have a bite? I'm sorry, but no. But you can't split the banana split. Not even a little. Not even a crumb. What if.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

No, please.

[Elmer Corn]

Mine. When it's too legit to split. That's cravenience.

[Chet Cheddar]

Get a 3 pack for 99 cents.

[Elmer Corn]

With our app ampm. Too much good stuff. Plus tax where applicable. Prices and participation may vary. Terms and conditions apply.

[Chet Cheddar]

M and J Audio Theater presents Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue.

[Elmer Corn]

Hello there. Never mind the water. Just come right in, wade on through and have a seat. My name is Chet Chitter. I am the morgue attendant and licensed embalmer. Unfortunately, I'm not a plumber. You see, our old rusty pipe pipes just gave out on us last night. So the floor is full of water. It looks like the rats could not adapt to their marine like environment. Many of them have drowned, you know. Now a story to tell. It looks like one learned to swim. Survival of the fittest, you know. Yes. Now where was I? Ah, yes, yes. We're. We're returning to Biloxi today, Mr. El Mcorn. That manure hauling adventurer is out in his backyard feeding the pig. Pigs. All right, all right. Now look here. Don't chew off each other's ears. There's plenty of rotten tomatoes for all of you. And look, look here. Now don't waller in that. You eat that. I sworn to goodness. They say pigs is the cleanest animals around. And I bound you. They never seen the likes of you. That whirly bird sounds close, huh? Ain't hardly be no closer. It's landing in my pasture. Look at the suits on, the feathers coming out of that thing. Dressed to the nines, shiny brand new leather shoes. That tall one just stepped in a fresh cow patty too. Howdy, fellers. Hello. Did you lose your weight?

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, if intelligence is correct, this should be the home of Elmer Corn.

[Elmer Corn]

Intelligence. Well, sir, you got it right. You found it. Did I win something?

[Chet Cheddar]

I'm afraid not, Mr. Korn. I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg. Perhaps you've heard of the name Otto Williamsburg?

[Elmer Corn]

Dawgs, ain't that that multi billionaire what bought that Florida amusement park Wacky Land and then just closed her down like a month later, saying he was bored with it?

[Chet Cheddar]

Yes, Mr. Corn, you're correct. You see, I.

[Elmer Corn]

And I heard his wife took half his fortune in a divorce suit. Dad. Yeah, what a Chump.

[Chet Cheddar]

Please do not interrupt me, Mr. Corn.

[Elmer Corn]

Sorry.

[Chet Cheddar]

The reason why I'm here is because Mr. Williamsburg wants to meet with you.

[Elmer Corn]

With me? Jiminy. Why in the world?

[Chet Cheddar]

I'm not at liberty to discuss the details with you, Mr. Corporation, but Mr. Williamsburg has a proposition for you. One that could make you a very rich man. It will all be explained to you when we arrive at the estate. Are you ready to go?

[Elmer Corn]

Well, sir, I ain't one for taking off with a bunch of strangers, but. Well, dawg, if you ain't got my curiosity. Ralph and I always wanted to take a ride in a helicopter. Okay, sir, I'll do it. Let me go dust off some of this dirt and splash a little cologne on my face, and then we'll go. Let's try to get back before the wrestling match is on TV, though. If we can. Welcome to the Williamsburg estate, Mr. Corden. Thank you. I trust your flight was uneventful. Oh, it was, Danny. Fine, sir. My stomach took a little turn when we took off, but I managed to keep things now. Yes, yes, yes, quite a point. This way. Mr. Korn. Sir, Williamsburg is in the activity room. I hear gunshots. I didn't come at a bad time, did I? Oh, no, no, no. It is a Shooting Gallery. Mr. Corn, sir, enjoys a practice session before noontime tea. Oh, I see. Begging your pardon, sir. Your guest, Mr. Elmer Corn, has arrived. Mercy sake.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Bullseye.

[Elmer Corn]

Yeah. Mr. Korn. Howdy.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

We meet at last. Come in, come in.

[Elmer Corn]

Thank you, sir.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

That'll be all for now, Jarvis.

[Elmer Corn]

Very good, sir, and might as a. Terrific shooting today, sir. Galsus sakes, what a game room. I tell you, this sure beats to death that old rickety pool table we got down at the city Hall.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Y. Well, would you believe I'm bored of all this, Mr. Korn. I search for entertainment, and what do I find? Television. Bah.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, damn. Here.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Coming Emotion pictures. Wallowing and sexual excess.

[Elmer Corn]

Lord, a mercy.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I seek a human adventure, Mr. Corn.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

One with real life experiences. But I am too old. Too old?

[Elmer Corn]

Now, that ain't necessary. Good Lord. What in the world are you shooting at?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Um, ancient pottery vases from the Ming dynasty, I believe.

[Elmer Corn]

Gemini.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Mr. Korn, you wonder why I've asked you here?

[Elmer Corn]

Well, yes, sir. I suspect it wasn't just to show off your shooting skills to me, was it?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes, that is right, Mr. Corn. There is more to it than that. Very amusing, though I enjoy reading Small Town Publications. Mr. Korn, I came across an article in your Biloxi Gazette recently.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, sakes alive, you Read about the mole rats, didn't you? Oh, yes.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You are quite the hero, Mr. Korn. Well, the peaceful village of Biloxi is overrun by giant monsters.

[Elmer Corn]

Yeah.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Elmer Corn rallies forth to rid the town of its plague.

[Elmer Corn]

Those were mutant mole rants too.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You are a brave man, Mr. Kohrn. A man that rises to the occasion when trouble is at hand. Which is exactly why I have chosen you.

[Elmer Corn]

Uh. Oh. Chosen me for what?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

To find something. Something I have spent my youth and millions of dollars to search for.

[Elmer Corn]

Which is?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

The Book of Absolute Truth.

[Elmer Corn]

Book of Absolute Truth, you say?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes, it is a book or a scroll or perhaps a tablet. But I believe it exists, Mr. Korn. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked in the past and will ever ask in the future.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, I get you. Like what it tells how they make Styrofoam and how they put the cheese in them cans.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

No, no, no. I'm talking about secrets of the universe, Mr. Korn. The answers to the mysteries of life. Have you ever wondered what happens after you die?

[Elmer Corn]

Well, yes, sir. I try not to dwell on it.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Though the answer would be in the Book of Absolute Truth, huh?

[Elmer Corn]

Well, who you reckon wrote such a thing?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Legend has it the author is God.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, I almost figured that out myself. Listen, sir. Mr. Williamsburg, despite what the Biloxi Gazette says, I ain't no Arizona Jones. You scrape away all the hometown hero junk, and you just got a manure hauler from Biloxi.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I would go myself, Mr. Corn, but, you see, these feeble legs of mine barely carry me across the hallway. If you would retrieve the book for me, I will pay you a quarter of a million dollars.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

That is, even if you do not succeed. Sound reasonable?

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I would imagine you would have quite a bit left over, Mr. Corn. You'd be a fool to pass up this offer.

[Elmer Corn]

Yeah, I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it. I guess when you hold that hefty chunk of change over my head like that, Mr. Williamsburg, I can't say nothing but okay.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Excellent. Excellent. Your plane leaves at 5 tomorrow morning, Mr. Corn. It will drop you off in a small country near India called Kashtar. I believe I have traced the book to this location. You will find an old cafe called Idia. The manager's name is Achmad. He will give you the leads to go on. Have a safe journey, Mr. Khorn. And may you find adventure.

[Elmer Corn]

So this is cash Tar. Well, it's a busy little community. I wonder what this sign up nailed up to this tree. He says, beware, outsider. Asha is watching you. Cursed be those who anger him. Huh, I guess this Asha fella is the local sheriff. Hey, there's what I'm looking for. Cafe idiot. Supposed to ask for a feller named Achmed. Now keep that in mind. Achmed Ahmed it. Well, it's a hopping little jerk, huh? I might order me up a drink while I'm here. I've always wanted to try one of them zombies. Hey. Hey, you. Huh? You with the pale face. Me? What's the matter? Are you lost or something? Uh, no, sir. I just come here to. Why you come here? You come to get nice tattoo, pale face? No, sir. Wouldn't I take this knife and carve your name over your chest? Whoa, nelly. No, no, sir. I'm a bleeder. I want it quiet in here. Don't stop things on my account. I just. Look who come in to join party. Pale one say he no. Won't I give him tattoo? No, sir. It is no good to give me offense, pale one. Sabu offend me one day time tell him what happened, Saboo. Oh, I forget. Sabu no longer can talk since he lose his tongue to my knife. Now look, sir, I don't want to scuffle with you. I would be leaving this man alone. Begins to. The next bullet will be penetrating your head most severely. All right, I will leave. But we may meet again, pale one. And you will not be so lucky next time, eh, Lord, if you ain't heaven censer. Thanks, I'm much obliged. Oh, no. That man was going to cut notches in me with that butcher knife. Oh, fool, he was only trying to frighten you. He's excited. I am Achmed at your service, my friend. Achmed. Well, please meet your acquaintance. Arkman. I'm Elmer korn. Yes. Oh, Mr. Williamsburg informed me that you would be arriving today. You are seeking the Book of Absolute Truth, right? Well, yes, sir, he is. I'm sent to look for it for him. But just between me and you and the lamppost, I'm not so sure this book had. Oh, yes, yes, the book does exist, my friend, and there are many dangers in finding it. You see, Ajah, the God of truth, looks over the book. He guards it well. Many have searched for the book, but none have lived to speak of it. Only the hermit knows where the book exists.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Hermit?

[Elmer Corn]

You must ask him. He lives at the bottom of Canyon of Death. You Must be careful, my friend, because the pygmies live at the bottom of the canyon as well. Pygmies. And they have a taste for human flesh. A pale humans are a delicacy, you see. Oh, my goodness. I never thought I'd ask this question. Can you point me the way to the Canyon of the. It's the Book of Absolute truth. As the number one selling walk in tub in North America, safestep walk in tubs are built to maximize your safety and comfort. Each tub comes standard with a dual hydrotherapy system so you can enjoy the luxuries of bathing comfortably at home. Soothing jets and crystals increase mobility and ease pain while the rainfall shower head refreshes you from head to toe. Visit safesteptub.com today to request your free quote and ask about our special offers. Yes. Yes. The hermit knows where the book resides. And the hermit will tell you. Yes. Good. But you must swear in oath of secrecy, my friends. Tell anyone what I tell you now and Asha will punish you with slow, torturous death. Your blood will boil. Your brains will melt. Your eyes will burst. Okay. All right. I ain't gonna tell nobody. Lord. Mister, you're making me sick. Where's that? The book is located in the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. Certain death awaits he whose spirit is not pure. In order to find the cave you must go to, mercy sakes alive. A spear caught him right in the chest. Wonder where that. I bet you didn't there higgling. All right, Elmer, you can talk your way out of this. Howdy there, fellers. I like that there fishing that you got. Got one like that myself over in Biloxi. Use it in Miller's Pond to catch shad. Now, listen up here. Y' all don't want to eat me. This old Biloxi hide is tougher than a wild turkey. No, don't go there. No. Come on now, fellers. Get. Get this net off of me. Get it off me. Now. What are y' all gonna do to me? Oh, Lord. Well, this is a fine how do you do? Yesterday, about this time, I was slopping hogs, and now I'm hanging by a rope over a boiling pot of water. Life does have its twists and turns. Say, say. Say, feller. Listen here. Y' all promise not to dunk me in that stew pot, and I'll go kill you a nice big old tiger. Heck, I'll even slaughter the dang thing and she can fry you some steaks. How's that sound, huh? Well, that. That was wasted breath. Quiet. Quiet. Here.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Stop those Dr.

[Elmer Corn]

We meet again, eh, pill one? You're that fella from the bar. Howdy. Where's your friend to save you now, eh, pill one? How you like now I take my knife and carve your name on your chest, eh?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Or maybe you like better.

[Elmer Corn]

I cut this rope that you are hanging by and you fall into hot water. You not be so pale then, would you, pale one? Oh, I'd sure druther you didn't do that. Hey, hey, it's Achmed. Howdy, Achmed. Greetings, Elmer, my friend. I see you are playing with the creepmies. Yes, but playtime is over. Now then, you cut my friend down or I fire at you with the fire stick of Asha. The pygmies will ignore your threats, Achmed. They answer only to me. I am thinking you are wrong. The fire stick has a louder voice than you do, my friend. Germany. Oh Lord. Yes. Now you are reacting appropriately. I ain't used to sex. Now take my friend down, make sure that he is unharmed. Easy boy. Don't drop me in that stewpot. You are. You are feeling alright, my friend? Uh, yeah, yeah. Some jumbled nerves and some rope burns on my wrists. Looks like that's two I owe you. The day will come, Achmed, when you and I will come to blows. Yes, that day will come, stupid one. But until then, go find someone else to play. Or I will ventilate you with a fire stick. Now then, Mr. Cohen, you found the location of the Book of Absolute Truth? Yes, sir. The hermit told me it was in this place called the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. But just as he's about to tell me where it said he got a spear in the chest. The cave. Yes. Well, you are being very lucky today, my friend. I know the location of the cave. Climb up on my horse. I will take you there. Now. Although I must tell you, it is just a name. There are no more than a few hundred terrors in the cave. Let us go. All right. I see we're going to ride. Bear back. I'll tell you truth, I ain't very good at handling no more than a couple of tears. You are amusing me greatly, Mr. Corn. Dad Gum. So this is a cave of a thousand Terrors, huh? I sure wish Achmed had come in here with me. It'd be nice to have someone to hide behind when them terrors start to crank up. But he said I had to come in here on my own. You know, it's been 15 minutes and I hadn't seen a single terror yet. It's kind of disappointing, sir. Fur I guess this cave will lead to the.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Stand still, mortal, and listen close to what I have to say.

[Elmer Corn]

Where's that verse coming from?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You humans are so stupid. I am Asha, and I am omnipresent.

[Elmer Corn]

Asha.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You have come in search of the book.

[Elmer Corn]

Yeah.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

And in order to retrieve it, you must confront two life threats threatening terrorists.

[Elmer Corn]

Two? I thought this was the cave of a thousand Terrors.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

If you would rather confront a thousand terrors, I can arrange it.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, no, no, no, sir. Two's fine. That's. That's more than enough. It's bountiful.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Then shut up and listen to what I have to say, or I would destroy you.

[Elmer Corn]

Now.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

First, you will confront a pack of rabid monkeys. Then, if you are still alive, you will find the Piranha Pool. Should you be smart enough to make it across these obstacles, the. The book will be yours. And you will be burdened with the task of escaping this cave. A task that I will see that you will not complete.

[Elmer Corn]

Well, sir? Huh? There's a door opening up on the side of the cave. It's Lord Monkeys foaming at the mouth. Oh, I ain't studying about getting no rabies. Good Lord. To come after me. I gotta get out of here. Oh, damn. Yummy. I'm at the edge of some sort of pit. It's got water in it. Oh, sakes. That must be them Payronas. I gotta get across that pit somehow. There's a vine hanging from a bridge. Oh, I hope it holds my weight. I gotta get us. I gotta swing across this thing. Oh, here we go. Cross my chest. All right. Please, Lord. I made it across. Cleared them two terrace at seconds flat. And there's. There's a book over there on that big stone pedestal. I bet you that's it. Yes, there. Says right there on the COVID the Book of Absolute Truth. Well, I kinda like to thumb through this, but I guess I better get out of here. This book don't look very old. Well, let's see. I just swing back over that piranha pit, take a run and dash past those monkeys and get out of here. That's all there is to it. Now, let's put this book in my pocket. All right. I swung over a once. I can do it again. Lord have mercy. The rope broke. I'm in a pool of meaty beats dead. Somebody help me, Mr. Corn Arc Man. I will push one of the monkeys into the pool. It should attract the fish. I pushed the monkey in now it's working. Arc man. The piranhas are going to the monkey. Yes. Grab my head, my friend. I pull you out. Now you got it? There you go. All right. Oh, there you come. Oh, thanks, Hawkman. Yes. Third time you saved my life. Yes. I'm gonna share some of that quarter of a million with you. No.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You will get not one red cent. Mr. Cord.

[Elmer Corn]

Mr. Williamsburg. What the heck are you doing here? Look, look, I found the book.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

The book. Give me that worthless thing.

[Elmer Corn]

What are you ripping it up for? Don't rip it up. Have it. You going at a brain crazy? The book has blank plages. My friend, I fear that you have been cruelly deceived.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

My movie has been ruined. I told you not to interfere when he entered the cave.

[Elmer Corn]

Ahmed, what the heck is he talking about? This is all being a game, Mr. Corden. Huh? The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist. What? You mean that mean feller in the bar in the Hermit? And them pygmies, they all work for Sir Williamsburg? Mr. Korn, this country belongs to him as well. And I fear that I work for him.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Well, you do not anymore. Achmed, you can begin looking for a new job immediately. Everything has been ruined. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Korn. Cameras have been spread throughout this country. They are hidden. And they have been videotaping your every move. You want to live Vietnam? That I wish I could live myself. I told you how much I despise television and movies. But this, this was real. And it was going perfectly until Achmed ruined it.

[Elmer Corn]

You informed me there would be no real dangers, Mr. Williamsburg. The piranha, the monkeys, they were real. They were genuine. How can. He almost died.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

How can you have a real adventure without real dangerous and yes, perhaps death. Were you to have survived, Mr. Corn, I would have paid you the amount we agreed upon. But as it stands, you get nothing.

[Elmer Corn]

I'm a 14 karat gold sucker. I was a little suspicious when that Absolute Truth book was in paperback. And that Asha feller talking to me, that was just you on a speaker, wasn't it? Yes, yes.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

But I have an idea.

[Elmer Corn]

This adventure does not have to end this way. The cameras are still rolling.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I could have the endings I wished for.

[Elmer Corn]

What? Get back into the. Into the pool, Mr. Coy.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Fight for your life against the piranhas. I will pay you if you survive.

[Elmer Corn]

Well. What are you doing? Don't shove me, Mr. Williams. You ain't shoving me back into that meat eating fish pool. Get in there. Mr. Williamsburg. Watch out. Those rocks are loose. You're going to fall into the pool.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I'm slipping.

[Elmer Corn]

Oh, my goodness. He fell in. Grab my hand, Mr. Wer. Too late. Grab my hand. Too late. Mr. Cor. You cannot save him now. Don't fall in yourself. Come back here. Oh. I wanted to punch his teeth in, but I didn't want him to get at my piranha. He was a lost case. Mr. Cordon. Some people get a lot of money, they go crazy. You ain't fooling. The only thing I got out of this is a story to tell the folks down in Biloxi. Yes, in hell. They ain't gonna swallow it. They'll come with me to the Idiot Cafe. Mr. Gordon. We would drink many zombies and talk about good times. Oh, heck, I'm all for it. Watch out for the rabid monkeys. Well, that was our story for today. I. I'm in a bit of a spot here. I certainly know what it's like to be caught in a pool of water myself. Our busted pipes have gotten out of control. The water's almost up to the ceiling now. You may want to leave and return later when we have this watery mess cleared. Until next time. A pleasant.

[Chet Cheddar]

You have just heard Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer and the Book of Absolute Truth. The names of and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by M and J Audio Theater.