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Doctor At Large 1969-06-17 The S S Lotus
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Doctor At Large 1969-06-17 The S S Lotus
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Styles MacKenzie
We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Styles MacKenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior. Wayfair Every style, every home. We present Doctor at Large. Adapted for radio by Ray Cooney from the original novel by Richard Gordon. It stars Richard Bryers as Simon Sparrow and Jeffrey Sumner as Sir Lancelot Spratt. With guest star Peter Jones as EAS episode 2 the SS Lotus set them up again, please. One pint of bitter and a large rum for Simon Oliver Sparrow. Latest in Swithin's hospital are now about to become ship's doctor on the SS Lorus. Oh, it's a sad night, Simon Boyle. I know, Tab. I know. I'll miss you, Tab. Oh, I'll miss you, Simon. I'll miss you more than you'll miss me. Ignore your warmth as I will. You know, you've been like a mother to me, Tappy. Oh, my little boy. Oh, going to sea. Something dreadful is bound to happen to you. Shut up, will you? No. You're accident prone, Simon. Always have been. It'll be all right. It'll do me good. It's just what I need. Sir Lancelot Sprat is quite right. It'll make a man of me. Sandy Sprat says I'll be in the tradition of Drake and Nelson. Well, they're both dead boils. It's a very worthwhile job, you know. I'm a ship's doctor. The manager of the Fathom Line here in London told me it's not easy to get hold of a ship's doctor. Well. Well, it can't be. They wouldn't have signed you on. Look, are you sure you're doing the right thing, Simon? You mean. Of course I. No, not really. Now. Well, then don't do it, Boyle. I've signed on now. The SS Lotus sails from King Edward's dock at midnight tonight. Well, then flee him. Well, Dessert. I've got to go through with it, Chaplain. I'm not making any progresses in swiths. This will give me the chance to sort myself out before I go into general practice. General practice? What? I thought you were going to study for your fellowship, become a surgeon. Yes, I know. Well, some people have got it, Sam haven't I taken a good look at myself and decided I haven't got it. Got what? It. Well, of course you've got it. No, I haven't. Well, I think you've got it. No. Got to pay attention to it. I haven't got it. What is the subject of this dubious conversation? Sir Laslot. Oh, good Evening, Sir Laszlo. Dr. Sparrow was just here. That he hasn't got it. But I think he has. Then a senior surgeon. I'll be only too glad to operate on it for him. Well, I was just commiserating with poor Simonson. Oh, very well. I'll commiserate with him when he's bought me a brandy. It'll be a great pleasure, sir. Will it with that much joy, Sparrow? You better make a large one. Oh, one large brandy for Fanny Sparrow. You been drinking? Would you mind rephrasing the question, sir? You're drunk. That's better. My goodness. The merchant service will knock some discipline into you, Sparrow. Well, sir, I would have you yelling at me from breakfast to bedtime. For six years you've done nothing but yell at me. Ah, yell at my dockers. Oh, here's your brandy. Thank you. Thank you. Chair, Sparrow. Cheers. So you'll be pleased to see the back of me, will you, young Sparrow? Well, it's been a long and bloody battle, sir. Have you? She has your horrible man. When you first came to our medical school, I thought you were idle, insolent and incompetent. And now, sir, you've done absolutely nothing to alter my opinion. Here's your taxi, Simon. Oh, I better dance. Give us a hug, my boy. Goodbye, dad. Well, turns your luck poir. And don't do anything I wouldn't do. That's enough to put him in arms for a start. Bow off, Sparrow. Go on. Goodbye, Zof. And I'll say one thing for you, sir. When I first came to swith, I had the gravest doubts about your parentage. My petticoat, you insinuated you thought I was a. Yes, I. And the jolly bad tempered one as well. Anyway, let's be friends. Come on. Use a kiss. Well, look after yourself, Boyle. And don't be sick into the wind. Don't do what, Dr. Evans? Well, don't be sick into the wind, sir. Noxious suggestion. What the hell are you doing here? Get back to the hospital. You leaning on the rail? What the dickens are you doing up there, young man? I'm sorry, I thought. Sir. You know what Tort did, don't you? No. Don't be cheeky. Go on up it scarper. Well, this is the SS Lotus, isn't it? What did you think it was? A Flying Scotsman? But the squad. I've joined up, you see. Joined up? The SS Lotus. Oh, you signed on. You mean a new boy? Yes. Come here. Well, I had to have a look at you. Oh, my God. Anything wrong? You look like something out of a Christmas cracker. Well, I thought I ought to wrap up warm if I'm going to sea. You give heart attack to the poor perishing seagulls. What's the red thing on your head? A knitted hat. My Auntie Idy made it for me. Well, I suppose you can use it for keeping the teapot hot. You got your lifeboat ticket? Lifeboat ticket? Sure. We are wet behind ears, aren't we? Lifeboat ticket. Ministry certificate. Oh, yes. I've got all my papers and things here. Look. All right. I'm all right. I don't want to see it. So long as you've got it last. Young fellow that joined left it behind in the bedroom, under the pillow. That must have been awkward. It was. Young woman's husband brought it back to him personal. He had to have five stitches in his head. Oh, dear. Yeah, well, let that be a lesson to you. Still, you don't look the type who's going to go messing around with married women. Certainly not. You look a clean living type. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Clean living type. You on the run? On the run? Yes. You've got that look about you like a harassed hen being chased around a shed by a dirty great Cottrell. Sure, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You've got to be on the run from something to join a lotus. Or just plain bonkers. It's not a very pretty lotus. It's a boat. Boat? What do you think you are on, son? Or the Serpentine? No, I was just. This is a ship, son. What's left of her. Listen to her. We haven't even started moving yet. Sounds like an old bed in a bad dream, doesn't it? That's her trouble, Willie. She's old. Not too old, I trust. Nudging 40. Good Lord. Well, I say nudging. Shoving would be nearer to mark. Not only her age. She's what they call accident prone. Oh, dear. Taffy says the same about me, I see. Ew. You're not a joe. No. Are you? I hope not. So do I. Yes. Accident throw near Lotus. When they launched her, she held and sank one of her own tugs. Not a very auspicious beginning in 1939. They painted her gray and before the war was two days old, she'd half her stone blown away by a bomb. Blimey. One of her own dropped on her by mistake. Since the war, she's done just about everyone there is carrying any cargo you care to mention. And all kinds of passengers too. But always accident prone. This last trip home, we had an explosion in the engine room. And then the cook went berserk one afternoon in the Caribbean and set about the crew with his meat hatchet. What? Good Hague. Stick by me, son. I'll see you all right. Thank you, sir. No, sir, no. This is the age of democracy. You're just as equal as I am. Thank you. So long as you keep your place. Now on Easter, Mr. Easter. Well, you'd better get below with the rest of the crew. Oh, thanks very much, Mr. Easter. By the way, which way is the surgery? Surgery? Sick bay or whatever you call it. Oh, you're not feeling ill already? No, no. What do you want to see the doctor for? Well, I am the doctor. Eh? I'm the new doctor. Your lover, duck. What's the matter? Begging your pardon, Doctor. How do you do, sire? I'm your personal steward, sir, and hospital orderly, sir. Sit this way, will you, sir. Let me take that heavy case for you. Follow me, sir. There we are, sir. In here, sir. Follow me. Oh, thank you. Oh, hello there, easter. Good evening, Mr. Hornbeam. Have a good shore leave? Always nice to get back on board, sir. This is the new doctor. Who is it? Well, you'll find the Lotus a very free and easy ship, Doc. Oh, jolly good. I. Make yourself at home. Spit on the deck and call the cat a cow, son. Spit on my cat and call the cards. It's a sign, a frame colloquialism. Oh, I see. By the way, my name's Hornbeam. Jock to you, Doc. Mr. Hornbeam is the mic. Oh, pleased to meet you, mate. Jock. I hope I'm not interrupting. No, of course not. These are your quarters anyway. But it's the only place on the ship which has any room, so we all use it more or less as a club. Oh, jolly good. Hope you don't mind. Not at all. Your cabins through there. And this is your surgery. Come. Hospital. You've met Easter ec? Yes, upstairs. Excuse me, is that a loft? Oh, yes, upstairs a lot upstairs, Mr. Hornby. I greeted the doctor aboard. We had a bit of a concert tour. A little faux pas on my part, owing to a slight speck of dust in the corner of my cornea. But I may say, doctor, I shall do everything in my power to assist you. I've made some small study of medicine in my own humble way. Carved up quite a few, I have, sir. Quite a few carved up. Oh, stow it. Easter, get the dock a bottle of beer. Nay, good, sir. I bring several. Oh, thank you, sir. I'll certainly take you up on that. I shall count on you to help me find my sea legs. Oh, thank you, doctor. Hey, what did you say your name was, Doc? Sparrow. Sparrow. I bet you're the one for the birds. Simon Oliver Sparrow. S O S. I see. For those in peril on the sea. Been to sea before? I'm afraid not. Ah, well, you'll soon pick up the routine. Mr. Traill is the second officer, and Mr. Archer is the third. Only we won't see much of Archer. Keeps to his own cabin between duties. Why is that? Oh, well, he spends all his time gardening. Gardening? Well, he hasn't got a garden. But he's got all the books. Throws the stuff in his head, you see. Everyone's crazy at sea, Doc. Yes, I've already heard about the cook and the meat hatchet. Why, very sad. That was only one fatality, though. Who was that? Well, didn't they tell you? No. Well, why do you think they advertised for a new doctor? There we are, sir. Hot sake, champagne. Nothing but the best. Indeed. Of course, I. You have made a hit, doc. Very shrewd too. Easter practically runs the Lotus. Oh, there we are. I don't know. Easter champagne. Why do you bother to go to sea in an old tub like this? Why don't you retire and live in luxury ashore? You might say, sir, it's my devotion to duty. I'm dedicated. And where else would I get such wonderful opportunities to practice medicine? Practice? Yes, sir. I hope you don't practice on the cruel. Practice makes perfecter. Now, look here. Christmas, Easter. Easter. I mean, you haven't got any. I mean, you're not qualified to practice. Oh, bless you, sir. That doesn't bother any of the crew. As a matter of fact, last trip, I nearly found a cure for the common cold. The bosun had a real stinker. One dose of my medicine and the cold was gone. Trouble was, so was the boatswain. It took us 48 hours to wake him up. Now, sir, if we could devise something to put in my concoction that would keep him awake. Eastern. While I'm on the ship, I will dispense the medicine. Swell. Of course. So I wouldn't dream of you, sir, in your position as master of Maritime Medicine. Just an occasional word of advice in your ear hole. Now, let's drink the health of our new doctor. You mind if I join you for the toast, gentlemen? Of course. At least it's your champagne. Then I say, good health and bon voyage. Cheers, Doc. Thank you. And down hatch. Not down hatch, sir, if you don't mind. No, no, sir. No, it's the kind of thing landlubbers say, sir. The kind of thing they think, sir, sailors say. Oh, see? Thank you, Easter. By the same token, sir, you never say supplies. The main base. Oh, I thought that meant rum all round. It used to, sir. But it hasn't been used at sea since Mutiny on the Bounty. I'm going off learn. I can see that. Well, I'll leave you, Doc, to settle in. I better check on the crew. I've got a little traveling iron you can borrow anytime you want. Wonderful. For your smalls. Thanks, Easter. Do you know if Sparks has turned up yet? No sign at the Horn. Be I don't know. If you docked a ship in hell, you'd still get deserters. Good luck, Doc. I think I'm going to need it. I know you are. I've seen 33 doctors leave this ship. 33? Aye, 27 of them feet first. Don't worry about Mr. Hornby. He's a good bloke, sir. Just bitter, that's all. Why? Can I top you up, sir? Oh, thanks. He's waiting for promotion, you see. But I'm afraid it's a case of dead men's shoes in emergency service. He's held a master sticket for five years, but there's no vacancy. Still, I must say he looks more gloomy than ever. I hope it's not a bad omen for the voyage. Yes, me too. Well, no good worrying about what hasn't happened yet. As the bishop said to the chorus girl. I don't get it. Don't you? No. Never mind. Neither did the chorus girl. Your cabinet is through here, Sam. I'll unpack your case for you. Oh, well, seems fine. Yes, lovely. Now, I think the first thing I'd like to do is to go through the medical stalls. I beg your pardon? I'd like to check the store cupboard. The store cupboard? Oh, yes. To see what our medical supplies are like. Yes. Just take a look at this bunk of yours. Feel that mattress. Cost me five bottles of Scotch in Buenos Aires. A man spends a lot of his time in bed. Automated, soft, to himself. You'd appreciate that if you'd been inside. Inside where? You name it. I've Been there. Wormwood, Scrubs, Pentonville. What? You don't mean to say you've been in prison, Easter? God love you, Doc, thousands of times. That Scrubs is the best if you have to make a choice. Thank you, I remember that. I'll put your shirts here, socks, vest and pants here. Now, what else is there to an. Ooh? I say, what's that? This picture in your suitcase. What a well set up, young lady. Is this what you're learning away for? Do tell so. And leave out the dirty bits if they embarrass you. I've got a filthy imagination, Easter. That is my sister. Ah, I see. Very nice. Now the only person I'm running away from is the head surgeon of St Swithren's Hospital. Made my life a misery for six years. Now I'm going to forget the old zone. Zone? That's a ticket, sir. I knew you were fleeing from somebody. I thought you'd got yourself engaged and then got struck with a virus of pteracellibans. Terracellibans. Bachelor's panic. Oh, you sound as though you're an authority, Easter. Oh, I am, sir. You married or single? Semi detached, sir. I'm not actually legally married at the moment. I mean, if you can get all the milk you want in bottles, why buy a cow? What? Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. Yes. Mind you, I'm not against it in moderation. I've been married for. Was it five? Pardon? It's not the sort of thing you keep count of. Good Lord. Well, I don't take it seriously. That's the trouble with the world. People take this marriage lark too serious. Do you know there's a place in Africa where they have a tribal. Excuse me. Every spring. Yes. Well, yes, all right. Some other time, mister. I'd like to check the stalls, please. Now, is this the medical cupboard? Where, sir? Well, here where I'm standing. You mean this tall cupboard right here, sir? Yes. Dr. Flowerday always used to leave that to me. The stores and such like. I'll carry on in the same way, if you don't mind. Dr. Flowerdale is very satisfied. Dr. Flaudio was my predecessor. Was he? Yes. Had that unfortunate mishap with the cook. Carried him ashore in a wooden overcoat. They did. A wooden. In a coffin. Oh, well, never mind. Let's forget about Dr. Flaunt. I want to know what I've got to work with. Naturally, if you feel you can't rely on me. It's not that, Easter. But I simply want to check. Ah, I see you've brought some reading matter with you, sir. What? Oh, yeah, a few books. Yes, most wise, sir. Yes, time can drag. What's this? The Elements of Surgery. Yes, I know that of course. And Gray's Anatomy. I haven't peruse that one. Tell me, doc, have you read the do it yourself. Gynecologist Easter, open a store cupboard. Yes, of course. It's locked, sir. Well, open it. Yes, sir. I think I've got the keys. I must warn you, sir, that Dr. Flower Day let the stores run down a little. I thought you said Dr. Flower let that sort of thing to you. Did I say that? Yes, you did. No, I'm sure what I. Will you give me the keys, please? Yes. Now look, mister, are you sure one of these is the right key for the saw cupboard? I'm afraid. Silence. Now. Ah. Ah. There we are. Now. Good. It's empty. It is? Well, why is it empty? I did say Dr. Flowerday let the stores run down a little. A little? There's nothing here. Let me see. Yes, you're right. Wait a minute. There's something in the corner. Here we are. One bottle. Oh, thank you. That Worcester sauce. What's the bottle of Worcester sauce doing in the store cover? That's a very good question, sir. What's the answer? It's part of my chore for seasickness. Easter. You must think I'm a perfect idiot. No, sir. No one is perfect. What's Marx? A bottle of Worcester sauce is the entire medical stores for our journey to Australia and back. It's a large bottle, sir. Nothing else? Oh, yes, behind the cupboard here. I was forgetting. What the devil's that? Castor oil in a six gallon drum. We prescribe rather a lot of that, sir. So I took the precaution of getting in a good supply. Put it away, Easter. I'll come back to the questions. In the meantime, I want to see the instruments. We don't have a band on board, sir. Easter. Surgical instruments. Oh, yes. We've got a hacksaw, a tin opener. Good heavens. And bearing in mind recent events, I suppose one could say that Cook's meat hatchet has proved itself. The place is a sham of his. I expect a full explanation as to why we have no stores and no instruments. Yes, sir. Have you any idea what would happen if a member of the crew to be taken seriously Lord in operation? He'd probably die, sir. We carry passengers as well, wouldn't we? None this to it. But you don't want to worry, sir. These are serious cases to me, Dr. Flahert. I always did. Look, we'll forget Dr. Florida, shall we? Luckily, I brought a few essential drugs and medicines with me. Have you, sir? I hope you wasn't thinking of using them on these slobs. Why do you think I'd caught them? It'd be a criminal waste to use good bloods and medicines on this lot, sir. We've got six gallons of best castor oil. Never buckle. Just what would you propose to do with the stuff I brought then? Penicillin, streptomycin, 2000 aspirins. I've got some lovely contacts in the various pork stock. We can make 300% profit. My cut is 25% of the gross class. Expensive you get, Easter. I've taken the Hippocratic oath. Well, if you're used to nicking things, a few aspirins won't make any difference. Is that where all the other supplies went? Well, I had a little understanding with. Yes, with Dr. Flowerday. I'll take the key to the saw cover, please. Certainly, sir. Thank you. Don't upset yourself, Dr. Sparrow. You would see now things are different when you're 100amile from land. You just relax and enjoy yourself. Forget that nasty old surgeon of yours and leave the running of the surgery to me. I certainly won't leave the running of the surgery to you, Easter. And I should imagine it will take several months at sea to erase the memory of scratch. Nonsense. Are you. Did you say Splat? Yes. That's funny. What is? Our captain's name is Splat. Stand too, Doc. Father's coming forward to see you. Father? Captain Spratt's nicknames. Huh? Oh. Why does Father want to see me welcome you aboard? It's quite usual. How's that? Bloody quack. Stand up, young man. Who the devil are you? Bloody quack. Sir. I mean sos. I mean Simon. Hello, Father. I mean Kuduk. Remarkably like Fanny. Fanny? Yes. Penny Spratt, sir. Lancelot Spratt. Not surprising. Is my brother. You fool. Brother tell me to keep an eye open for you, John. It isn't of him. Just do as I tell you. You'll be all right, I can assure you. Don't you assure me, sir. Doctors come and go like the tide. So I've gathered. I hope your hot stuff on the diseases sailors get, sir. Diseases? How long have you been already, Doctor? A quarter of a year. Well, my doctor works the way I say. He treats the crew, how I say and when I say and I say. There are three golden rules. All pains above the net cough mixture, all panes below the net. Castor oil, anything in between. Rub it with turp dime. I can't believe it always cures them. Who cares? Make sure they don't come back another time. Yes, sir. You'll find me a God fearing man, doctor. We might even get along. Tell me, have you been to sea before? Not exactly, sir. I've been on a day trip down the Thames. Down the Thames? Partly Demort Lake, sir. I must say it was. Mr. Dykes. Were you a doctor or a damn rower? A damn doctor, sir. You know sweet fanny. Atoms about seamanship then, eh? Sweet Fanny? Yes, sweet Fanny Atoms about anything apparently. Do you mean to say you've come aboard my ship bound for Australia and you haven't studied one word about the sea, sir? Well, I thought that was your driving. Driving? Every phantom is a tracer. But what I mean, sir, is that treating patients on shore and on board can't be all that different. Jeffrey, have you ever tried to operate ON Somebody climbing 40 foot waves? No, sir. Precisely. Well, actually I've never operated on anybody at all, sir. What the hell have they sent me? Easter? I'm sure Dr. Sparrow will soon pick up the tricks of the train, sir. You. You know about not doing anything unpleasant into the wind, do you, Doctor? I beg your pardon, sir. I suppose you're rather nappies, are you? Yes, I'm just a little confused about not doing anything unpleasant into the Windsor. If the wind's blowing from starboard, you silly fool, you don't spit over the starboard side. I don't actually spit at all. Yeah, delighted to hear that, Doctor. Do you do anything interesting, Doctor? You do breathe, I take it? Oh, yes, sir. Oh, good, good. Do you have any other advices? Well, you know, sir. Splendid, splendid. You play cards? Lovely. What do you play? Poker? Pontoon? Whist. Whist? What do you think? This is Darby and Joan Trout. You better teach them, Mr. Holmd. Aye aye, sir. Brought any money with you, Doctor? Yes, sir. That's all right then. We'll soon have that off you. I never lose, do I? Ee, sir. Definitely not, sir. Beevin Oates. You are, sir. Very difficult to beat smoker on my ship. Doc's. Oh, did you drink? Well, that's it. Now watch it. It's a filthy habit. You know what happened to Dr. Fly? Yes, sir. The cook put him in a wooden pullover. What? Overcoat. Overcoat? Yes. The cook got him in the end. Dear, oh dear. Is that where he got him? Yeah. For years Cook hadn't got him the Drinkwood. Started off like you, Dr. Sparrow. All rosy cheek, blue eyes. Ended up looking like a picture of Dorian Gray. Dreadful. What's that bottle there? Bubbly, sir. Champagne. Champagne? You haven't been on board five minutes and you're spreading your filthy diseases around my ship. Well, it's pretty harmless, Doctor. It's harmless? That's how Dr. Flower Day began. Then he started knocking back the surgical spirit. Next he was scrounging meths from the engineers. In the end, he was drinking the acid from the wireless batteries. Well, I don't think I'll go the same way, sir. Well, it'll be drugs with you. That reminds me. That's what I'm here for. Sign this. What's this, sir? The. Sir. You're taking me over the ship's medical store. Surgical equipment, usual thing. Oh, yes, sir. Well, I. You've checked the stores, haven't you? First thing you should have done. Yes, sir, I checked. Well, is it Darrow, isn't it? It's going to be a hell of a lot of trouble for somebody. Quite right. So quite like. Well. Well, then there's some Worcesters. Yes, sir. Good. And for Pete's sake, smile, Doctor. No, that having a doctor on board who looks as if he's got the plague. I'd like all my men to be happy Easter. Luck. Legal touch. See? Not there. I'm surrounded by raving idiots. Good, ain't them? Shut up, Easter. He's gone. That's the skipper that was. Oh, is he always like that? That was Father in his mellow mood. We're off any minute. There's still time to have second thoughts, Doc. Very decent of you to tell that little white lie concerning the condition of the store, sir. Little white lie? It's nice to know you're one of us, Doc. What have I left to have in for months at sea with nothing but a bottle of Worcester sauce, 6 gallons of castor oil and Fanny's brother. You've always got me. Now that's the most terrifying thought of all. Easter. Yes, sir. Look, I'm shaking. I'm shaking all over my hands. That's only the engine starting up, sir. Oh, thank heavens for that. I thought I got the DTs already. There we are. We're underway. You mean no escape. Now, bon voyage, Doc. Let's have a refill of champagne, shall we? Yes, let's fill em up. Easter. I'll tell you what. Make sure we got a good supply of wireless batteries, will you? In that episode of Doctor at Large written by Ray Cooney the parts were played as follows Simon Sparrow, Richard Briar, Sir Lancelot Spratt and Captain Sprat Jeffrey Sumner, Jock Hornbeam, Ray Cooney, Taffy Evans Edward Cast Easter Guest star Peter Jones Doctor At Large was adapted from the original novel by Richard Gordon and produced by David Ha. It.