Doctor At Large 1969-07-01 The Doctors Dilemma

Summary

Podcast Summary: Doctor At Large – "The Doctors Dilemma"

Podcast Information

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: A collection of radio shows from the Golden Age of Radio, capturing the essence of family gatherings around the radio before television became prevalent. Features classic shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.
• Episode: Doctor At Large
  Title: The Doctor's Dilemma
  Original Air Date: July 1, 1969
  Release Date: June 21, 2025

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Overview

Doctor At Large is a comedic drama adapted for radio by Ray Cooney from Richard Gordon's original novel. This episode, titled "The Doctor's Dilemma," centers around Simon Sparrow, the ship's doctor, and Captain Spratt as they navigate a series of medical mishaps aboard the MS Lotus. The narrative weaves humor with situational comedy, highlighting the challenges Sparrow faces while dealing with a variety of ill crew members and the irritable Captain Spratt.

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Main Characters

• Simon Sparrow (Richard Bryers): The ship's doctor, often bumbling and inexperienced.
• Captain Spratt (Jeffrey Sumner): The no-nonsense captain with little patience for Sparrow's medical ineptitude.
• Ronald Easter (Norma): The loyal assistant to Simon Sparrow.
• Jock Hornbeam (Ray Cooney): The ship's carpenter, eager to assist in unconventional ways.
• Wendy Swithenbank (Wendy Swithen): A charming passenger who interacts with Sparrow romantically.
• Peter Jones: Guest star as EAS.

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Detailed Summary

Act 1: The Never-Ending Sick List (00:08 - 03:35)

The episode opens with Simon Sparrow presenting Doctor At Large (00:08). We are introduced to the milieu of the ship, highlighting the endless list of sick crew members (00:10). Captain Spratt expresses frustration with the persistent illnesses, dubbing some as "dicky tummies" (01:10).

Notable Quote:

• Captain Spratt (01:38): "Dicky tummies? Why the hell do you have to talk like someone out of the lower fourth at St Hilda's."
• Simon Sparrow (02:20): "Meat pie and trickle pud are full of bitumen."

This exchange underscores the tension between Sparrow’s medical concerns and Spratt's dismissive attitude towards routine ailments.

Act 2: Wendy’s Visit and the Poop Deck Plan (05:19 - 08:10)

Simon Sparrow interacts with Wendy Swithenbank, a passenger interested in Sparrow, leading to a humorous conversation about dance and romance aboard the ship (05:19). Their banter is lighthearted, providing a brief respite from the ongoing medical concerns.

Notable Quote:

• Simon Sparrow (06:42): "It's between the umbilicus and the lower intestine."
• Wendy Swithenbank (06:53): "It's a bikini."

As Sparrow prepares for a romantic rendezvous on the poop deck, Ronald Easter interrupts with urgent news about Captain Spratt's sudden illness (07:54). This shift from romantic subplot to medical crisis sets the stage for the central conflict.

Act 3: The Captain’s Crisis (08:11 - 11:17)

Easter informs Sparrow that Captain Spratt has collapsed, exhibiting symptoms consistent with acute appendicitis (08:13). Sparrow is initially hesitant, confessing his lack of surgical experience (09:19).

Notable Quote:

• Simon Sparrow (09:26): "You just have to operate, Doc. Look, Easter, I've only got the merest idea of what to do."
• Ronald Easter (10:23): "Don't worry, Doc. Come on, let's get cracking."

Faced with no immediate access to medical facilities, Sparrow reluctantly agrees to perform the operation with Easter’s assistance. Their attempts are fraught with comedic incompetence, highlighting Sparrow’s unpreparedness.

Act 4: Improvised Surgery Fiasco (11:17 - 16:31)

Sparrow and Easter attempt to sterilize makeshift surgical instruments, leading to further complications. Easter reveals that the company's new surgical tools were sold off, leaving them with inadequate tools (15:03).

Notable Quote:

• Simon Sparrow (15:06): "That's outrageous. I don't want any of your ill gotten games."
• Ronald Easter (16:11): "But seeing as Harry's chances of survival are so slim, it seems a shocking waste of good brandy."

Their fumbling efforts culminate in Sparrow trying to administer what he believes to be castor oil as an anesthetic, only to realize it was brandy mislabeled as poison (17:06). The situation spirals as Captain Spratt regains consciousness mid-operation, leading to chaos.

Notable Quote:

• Captain Spratt (16:25): "I don't usually drink, you know, Doctor."
• Simon Sparrow (17:16): "Have another one."

Act 5: The Aftermath and Resolution (22:02 - 24:38)

Post-operation, Sparrow discovers that Captain Spratt's appendicitis was a misunderstanding; the captain merely suffered from overeating pickled onions (23:53).

Notable Quote:

• Captain Spratt (23:50): "What? Pickled onions."
• Simon Sparrow (24:03): "How about you, Easter?"

The episode concludes with Sparrow acknowledging his blunder while the captain recovers, albeit humorously blaming his own overindulgence. Wendy Swithenbank hints at future interactions, setting up potential storylines.

Notable Quote:

• Wendy Swithenbank (22:36): "If you'll excuse me then I may possibly see you around sometime tomorrow. Or even the day after."
• Simon Sparrow (22:40): "If you'll excuse me then I may possibly see you around sometime tomorrow. Or even the day after."

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Themes and Insights

1. Incompetence vs. Authority: The dynamic between the inexperienced Simon Sparrow and the authoritative Captain Spratt highlights the struggles of professional inadequacy in leadership roles.
2. Humor in Crisis: The episode cleverly uses situational and character-driven humor to navigate through medical emergencies, making light of potentially dire situations.
3. Romantic Subplots on a Ship: Wendy Swithenbank’s interactions with Sparrow add a layer of romantic comedy, contrasting the medical chaos aboard.

Conclusion

"The Doctor's Dilemma" is a quintessential episode that marries humor with the absurdity of everyday challenges faced in confined environments like a ship. Through witty dialogues, comedic mishaps, and character interactions, the episode provides entertainment while subtly critiquing professional preparedness and leadership under pressure.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Captain Spratt (01:38): "Dicky tummies? Why the hell do you have to talk like someone out of the lower fourth at St Hilda's."
• Simon Sparrow (02:20): "Meat pie and trickle pud are full of bitumen."
• Simon Sparrow (09:26): "You just have to operate, Doc. Look, Easter, I've only got the merest idea of what to do."
• Ronald Easter (10:23): "Don't worry, Doc. Come on, let's get cracking."
• Simon Sparrow (15:06): "That's outrageous. I don't want any of your ill gotten games."
• Captain Spratt (16:25): "I don't usually drink, you know, Doctor."
• Captain Spratt (23:50): "What? Pickled onions."
• Simon Sparrow (22:40): "If you'll excuse me then I may possibly see you around sometime tomorrow. Or even the day after."

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Production Credits

• Adapted by: Ray Cooney
• Original Novel by: Richard Gordon
• Produced by: David Hat
• Guest Star: Peter Jones

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This detailed summary captures the essence of "The Doctor's Dilemma," providing listeners with an engaging overview and key moments that define the episode's humor and narrative arc.

Transcript

[Simon Sparrow]

We present Doctor At Large.

[Narrator]

Adapted for radio by Ray Cooney from the original novel by Richard Gordon. It stars Richard Briars as Simon Spado and Jeffrey Sumner as Captain Spratt. With guest star Peter Jones as EAS.

[Simon Sparrow]

Episode 4 the Doctor's Dilemma.

[Ronald Easter]

Yes, Doctor, this is the time I like best. Hundreds of miles from land with nothing to do but look through the porthole at the sea, watching those lovely waves go up and down, up and down.

[Simon Sparrow]

Oh, shut up, will you?

[Ronald Easter]

Are you feeling queeny again, sir?

[Simon Sparrow]

I'm feeling perfectly well, thank you, Easter.

[Ronald Easter]

Don't you like the feeling of going up, Easter?

[Simon Sparrow]

Sorry, sir. Have we finished with the sick list?

[Captain Spratt]

Yes, sir.

[Ronald Easter]

Nobody else waiting.

[Simon Sparrow]

Thank goodness for that. Seems never ending this morning. Oh, now, really. Sick parade was supposed to be over the next six. Parade at 5:30. Who the hell do you think you're talking to, Jerry Size. Right. What do you want of those?

[Captain Spratt]

One of those.

[Simon Sparrow]

I mean a man. One of the men. One of truth.

[Captain Spratt]

I don't know how they came to give me a raving lunatic for a ship's doctor.

[Simon Sparrow]

Just luck, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Easter, where's the sick list?

[Ronald Easter]

Here, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Supposed to be brought to my cabin by 10 o' clock. Why the delay?

[Simon Sparrow]

Get rather a crowd this morning, sir. Quite a few dicky tummies.

[Captain Spratt]

Dicky tummies? Why the hell do you have to talk like someone out of the lower fourth at St Hilda's?

[Simon Sparrow]

A girl's school, sir? Yes, well, I don't know how they talk there, sir. Obviously you do, sir. I didn't realize you went.

[Captain Spratt]

What the hell do you mean by dicky tommies? Are they pregnant? Come on, let's have it.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, funny.

[Captain Spratt]

Tell me, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

See if the diet on board continues as a present.

[Captain Spratt]

There's nothing wrong with that diet on board my ship.

[Simon Sparrow]

I can't agree, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Can't agree.

[Simon Sparrow]

We ought to be more balanced, though. You see, vitamins are the most.

[Captain Spratt]

Don't talk to me about vitamins, Doctor. Vitamins are botched.

[Simon Sparrow]

Look at me.

[Captain Spratt]

Never had a vitamin in my life.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, you must have, Captain. We all take vitamins.

[Captain Spratt]

I don't care what you take. I never let a vitamin pass my lips. Don't believe in them. Give me a plateful of meat pie, pickled onions, a large dollop of trickle foot and I won't need vitamins, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

Meat pie and trickle pud are full of bitumen.

[Captain Spratt]

Don't mind your cheeky puppy.

[Simon Sparrow]

All I'm saying, sir, is that if the crew had meat pie and trickled foot, their tummies Would be all right. I've had a word with a cook.

[Captain Spratt]

You had a word with a. Who the hell are you to have a word with a cook?

[Simon Sparrow]

The ship's doctor, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Doctor? I'm the captain. If you did your job as well as I do mine, we wouldn't have half the crew down with imaginary illnesses.

[Simon Sparrow]

I resent that, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Present it all you like. I'll prove it to you. Look at this sick list. I can spot a malingera.

[Simon Sparrow]

Milo.

[Captain Spratt]

Look. Here's the worst of the lot. White, A.J. what's wrong with White? Why isn't he on his feet?

[Simon Sparrow]

He has a broken leg, sir. Yes, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Should have shot him, then.

[Simon Sparrow]

I was.

[Captain Spratt]

A broken leg?

[Ronald Easter]

I examined him this morning, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

You examined him? I wouldn't trust you to know the difference between a broken leg and measles.

[Simon Sparrow]

I said with measles there are little spots.

[Ronald Easter]

Begging your pardon, sir, on the doctor's behalf, if I may proffer a second opinion. White's leg was definitely busted.

[Simon Sparrow]

Ah, well, it's possibly self inflicted, sir. To get off work.

[Captain Spratt]

That's more like it, Doctor. Give him a dose of castor oil. Kick him back on deck. You don't want to believe all these scum. Tell you, White AJ Is the daddy of them all. He's had everything except a blasted baby. There's a sick list, Doctor. I want it hard by tomorrow and I don't.

[Simon Sparrow]

What is it?

[Captain Spratt]

Hurry. Hurry.

[Simon Sparrow]

You. You clutched your stomach, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Of course I did. You triple pain there?

[Ronald Easter]

Pain, sir?

[Captain Spratt]

Diet, all.

[Simon Sparrow]

You were doubled over for a moment, sir. Yes, you were, sir. Doubled over.

[Captain Spratt]

Here, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

You better let me examine you, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Gone in the way.

[Simon Sparrow]

It won't take a moment, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

I'm not being looked at by a damn medical student who fiddled his way through his finals.

[Simon Sparrow]

Where exactly did you feel the pain, sir?

[Captain Spratt]

Well, it usually comes just about.

[Simon Sparrow]

Usually? What do you mean, usually?

[Captain Spratt]

Well, I've had it once before. Once? Twice.

[Simon Sparrow]

Since when?

[Captain Spratt]

Just these last few days.

[Simon Sparrow]

And you get the pain there. You better lift your shirt and drop your trousers.

[Captain Spratt]

Get out.

[Simon Sparrow]

It's between the umbilicus and the lower intestine.

[Captain Spratt]

What is?

[Simon Sparrow]

You jumped when I touched you there.

[Captain Spratt]

So would you if I ran my finger into your belly.

[Simon Sparrow]

How they touched you, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Well, you needn't think you're going to catch me dropping my trousers for you. Dr. Sparrow.

[Ronald Easter]

One minute, sir, please.

[Simon Sparrow]

Have you been sick lately? No.

[Captain Spratt]

As a matter of fact, sir, yes. Well, now. Yesterday morning.

[Simon Sparrow]

I wish you'd let me examine you, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

You've got as Much chance as that as a snowball in hell. There's nothing wrong with me that a couple of peppermints won't put right. Now, I'm going around to see some of these men you've ordered to bed. McCluskey in particular. Probably find him curled up with Lady Chatterley and Fanny Hill.

[Simon Sparrow]

I don't like it, Easter. Head in the stomach. Sick yesterday morning.

[Ronald Easter]

He can't be in the family, Wazer.

[Simon Sparrow]

He's got all the symptoms of appendicitis. Appendicitis?

[Ronald Easter]

How smassy.

[Simon Sparrow]

You sure you're warm enough, Wendy?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Lovely. Thanks.

[Simon Sparrow]

Would you like a rug around you? No.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Deliciously warm. M Sun. Gorgeous.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, gorgeous. That's a very attractive swimming costume you're wearing.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

It's a bikini.

[Simon Sparrow]

It certainly is, isn't it? Did it shrink? Shrink? Oh, has it always been that small?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Well, it fits all right, doesn't it?

[Simon Sparrow]

I was just wondering. It doesn't seem to cover both. I mean, all.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

You mean it's a bit bold.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, no, I wouldn't say that. No. It's just that there's an awful lot of chaps on board, you know, all the crew being men.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

I'm giving them ideas. Am I?

[Simon Sparrow]

It's possible, isn't it?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

What about you?

[Simon Sparrow]

I don't think I give them any ideas. Right.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Simon? Don't I give you any ideas?

[Simon Sparrow]

Of course you do.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

That's nice to know. Anyway, what am I? Well, I must say, Simon, you're a bit slow in doing anything about it.

[Simon Sparrow]

Then what ought I do about it, then?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Well, if you don't know, darling, I.

[Simon Sparrow]

Mean, I see you every day. We have the odd meal together. Swim, play, bar, billiards.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Well, don't you ever, you know, feel like anything else?

[Simon Sparrow]

Deck tennis, you mean?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

I'm getting off Sunday, you know.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, I know. Well, of course, if the Lotus was a passenger ship, there'd be dances and things like that.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

We could have our own dance with.

[Simon Sparrow]

Where?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

In your cabin?

[Simon Sparrow]

My cabin?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Why not?

[Simon Sparrow]

I haven't got a record player.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

We wouldn't need a record player.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, what will we dance to?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

The rhythm of the engine.

[Simon Sparrow]

Will we? It's a pretty ropey engine.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

It doesn't matter.

[Simon Sparrow]

Actually, I'm a pretty ropey dancer.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Well, so am I. Honestly, Simon, my left foot doesn't know what my right foot's doing.

[Simon Sparrow]

My left foot doesn't even know it's got a right foot. It doesn't matter.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

What about tonight?

[Simon Sparrow]

What about tonight?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Your cabin.

[Simon Sparrow]

Which sounds absolutely wonderful. I'll meet you on the poop Deck at six o' clock.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Six o' clock? Right. You're sure now?

[Simon Sparrow]

Of course. I'm just a bit surprised, that's all. You? Well, you asked me.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Sometimes, darling, a girl's got to take the initiative.

[Simon Sparrow]

I say we'll do it. There's more to you than meets the eye, you know. Well, not much more, actually, when you're wearing a. But you haven't really given me much encouragement up to now.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

I thought I'd made it pretty clear.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, you hadn't. Honestly. That's what I like about you. You're rather like an iceberg, you know.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

An iceberg?

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, I mean that in the nicest geological way.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Good.

[Simon Sparrow]

But you're sort of cold and aloof. But it's on the surface, you see.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

What are you trying to say?

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, I'm trying to say you've got very little up top and a big bottom. No, no. I'm still being geological, you see. I mean, you've got plenty up top. When I say up top, I mean above your.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Oh, that's your steward.

[Simon Sparrow]

Oh, yes, sir.

[Ronald Easter]

Could you come down your size?

[Simon Sparrow]

We'll want the white dog, of course. What's up?

[Ronald Easter]

I'll tell you on the way down.

[Simon Sparrow]

So excuse me, Wendy.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Anything I can do?

[Simon Sparrow]

No, thanks, Miss.

[Ronald Easter]

Quick, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, I'll see you at 6:00, Mr. Swithenbank on the poop deck.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Dr. Sparrow?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, thank you, Ms. Iceberg. Swithenbank. Come on, Easter.

[Ronald Easter]

Come on.

[Simon Sparrow]

What's the trouble, Easter?

[Ronald Easter]

Well, I didn't want to say anything in front of Miss Swithinbank.

[Simon Sparrow]

Never want to alarm the passengers.

[Ronald Easter]

Son.

[Simon Sparrow]

What is it?

[Ronald Easter]

Let's get into the surgery.

[Simon Sparrow]

Here we are. For goodness sake, Easter, what's happened?

[Ronald Easter]

It's the old man. A captain.

[Simon Sparrow]

What about him?

[Ronald Easter]

He's had a funny turn.

[Simon Sparrow]

Sixer.

[Ronald Easter]

Painsa turned the colour of pea soup.

[Simon Sparrow]

And he passed out. Where is he now?

[Ronald Easter]

Mr. Hornbeam and Mr. Trail are carrying him below now, sir. Didn't you hear the crash a couple of minutes ago? Nearly went clean through the deck. Knocked himself out.

[Captain Spratt]

Take it easy, Mr.

[Simon Sparrow]

Trail.

[Jock Hornbeam]

He weighs a ton.

[Simon Sparrow]

Now, not too fast.

[Ronald Easter]

Here we are. Hard down on your right now.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Where do you want him, Dor?

[Simon Sparrow]

On a bed. I'll give you a hand.

[Ronald Easter]

Easy, Daddy.

[Jock Hornbeam]

It's all right. I've got the big end there.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, his comet's as solid as a lock.

[Simon Sparrow]

Acute appendicitis. Surely not.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Maybe his jacket's done up too tightly.

[Simon Sparrow]

He's got acute appendicitis, I tell you. Look at the Color of the man. He must have an operation within the next two or three hours.

[Ronald Easter]

Lovely.

[Simon Sparrow]

How soon do we reach the nearest port, Mr. Hornby?

[Jock Hornbeam]

For two or three days.

[Simon Sparrow]

Days?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Peritonitis.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Well, that's not the nearest port, is it?

[Simon Sparrow]

I mean, it might.

[Ronald Easter]

First you have to operate, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

What? Well, why not? I can't.

[Ronald Easter]

Of course you can.

[Simon Sparrow]

I only qualified a few months ago. I've never operated in my life.

[Ronald Easter]

There's always a first time.

[Simon Sparrow]

You don't understand. I might kill him.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Well, that'd be hoping for too much.

[Simon Sparrow]

You just have to operate, Doc. Look, Easter, I've only got the merest idea of what to do.

[Jock Hornbeam]

You've got medical qualifications, haven't you?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes. That's rather like a marriage license. Gives you permission, but doesn't tell you what to do. On the honeymoon.

[Ronald Easter]

You must have attended some operations. Of course I have.

[Simon Sparrow]

But there were usually so many students watching that what I saw most of was the neck of a student in front of me.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Come on, Doc. We'll give you all the help we can.

[Simon Sparrow]

I can't.

[Ronald Easter]

It's all experience, Doctor. I've always wanted a look inside his stomach.

[Simon Sparrow]

Mr.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Trail, go and rustle up some lights so the dog can get a good look at the old man's image.

[Simon Sparrow]

Hang on, Pete. Hang on.

[Jock Hornbeam]

I'll go and get some disinfectant. We've got lashes of carbolic.

[Simon Sparrow]

I haven't said I'd do it, Doc.

[Captain Spratt]

I've got a badge once.

[Simon Sparrow]

A badge?

[Jock Hornbeam]

Aye, and the Boy Scouts.

[Simon Sparrow]

Easter, you and Hornbeam don't seem to realize what this means. We do, sir.

[Ronald Easter]

It's the chance of a lifetime.

[Simon Sparrow]

Letting you dabble in cynical medicine is as dangerous as an unlabelled bottle of strychnine.

[Ronald Easter]

Don't worry, Doc. Come on, let's get cracking.

[Simon Sparrow]

Easter, have you ever even seen a case of acute appendicitis before?

[Ronald Easter]

No, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

That makes two of us.

[Ronald Easter]

It's all right, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

We'll improvise. You can't improvise in a case like this. We daren't risk it.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, be silly, sir. All we have to do is make a dirty grate slit in his stomach and look.

[Simon Sparrow]

What happens if we don't find what we're looking for.

[Ronald Easter]

Shovel everything back where it came from and find him.

[Simon Sparrow]

Up. Never help at all.

[Ronald Easter]

No one will be any the wiser.

[Simon Sparrow]

Certainly not the skipper. He had had it.

[Ronald Easter]

Dr. Sparrow, I don't see you've got any alternative. In your profession, sir, you've sometimes got to take the risk. You have it in your hands to save Captain Spratt's life.

[Simon Sparrow]

All right. We'll do it. We have to work fast. We must strip the surgery, scrub it out with antiseptic from top to bottom, and fix up an operating table.

[Ronald Easter]

Now you're talking, sir. We have fraternity. Always rise to the occasion, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, start raising.

[Ronald Easter]

If I might be so bold, Doctor.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, Sister.

[Ronald Easter]

Perhaps it might make things a little easier if you and me was to have a bit of the medical comforts to start with.

[Simon Sparrow]

Medical comforts?

[Ronald Easter]

Brandy, sir. I keep it in our store cupboard, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

I've never seen any brandy in our store. Caleb?

[Ronald Easter]

No, sir. I keep it in this big green bottle marked poison.

[Simon Sparrow]

I see.

[Ronald Easter]

I think we'll have a double apiece. Lovely. Here we are.

[Simon Sparrow]

Thanks. Cheers.

[Ronald Easter]

Here's to us, Dr. Sparrow.

[Simon Sparrow]

And Captain Spratt, of course.

[Ronald Easter]

I think we'll knock back these doubles to us and have a treble to him. Enough.

[Simon Sparrow]

You want to make very much. No more. We've got to know what we're doing, ma' am. Now, where did I put my textbook?

[Ronald Easter]

We don't need a textbook, sir. You need a prayer book.

[Simon Sparrow]

Here it is.

[Captain Spratt]

Now.

[Simon Sparrow]

The elements of surgery. Appendicitis.

[Ronald Easter]

Cause look at the old man lying there. Shall I strip him yet, sir? Shall I take his clothes off, sir?

[Captain Spratt]

Not yet.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, not till we're ready. We don't want him to get W molier as well.

[Ronald Easter]

What a lovely tum tum to go to work on.

[Simon Sparrow]

Now, it says here the incision is made at McBurneys Point. Where's that?

[Ronald Easter]

Where's what's that?

[Simon Sparrow]

McBurney's Point, Western Australia. I think you're going to be a great help. I can see that. I'm trying to work out where to make the first incision. Boy, oh, boy.

[Ronald Easter]

Is there going to be more than one? Well, I should say we go from.

[Simon Sparrow]

There to there, Easter. We can safely say we won't be removing the appendix from his upper chest. What are you doing now?

[Ronald Easter]

Beguarding, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

What the devil's a tape measure for?

[Ronald Easter]

Taking his measurements, of course.

[Simon Sparrow]

I don't need his measurements.

[Ronald Easter]

No, but shipping the carpenter mark, it'll be his job to provide the hatch cover.

[Simon Sparrow]

Hatch cover?

[Ronald Easter]

They're just the right size. Six feet by two feet. If we bury him at sea.

[Simon Sparrow]

You mean in case I.

[Ronald Easter]

There's a. I've got a Union Jack in the cupboard somewhere. This covers them up, you see, sir. There we are.

[Simon Sparrow]

Easter, I don't think we need lay it over him yet.

[Ronald Easter]

It's Years since I've seen a decent burial at sea.

[Captain Spratt]

Is it?

[Ronald Easter]

Have you ever seen.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, I haven't.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, it's beautiful. You know, I've seen some funny funerals at sea, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

Have you?

[Ronald Easter]

Remember one we had in the Indian Ocean? China, when it was up.

[Simon Sparrow]

Night off perhaps.

[Ronald Easter]

Cover, he goes. You know what? He wouldn't sink. Mossed about like a flipping boy. Nothing we could do about it. I wonder if he's still bobbing about somewhere.

[Simon Sparrow]

Will you belt up? Do realize, Easter, that the vermiform appendix may be in any of one of six positions.

[Ronald Easter]

Fancy that, sir. Oh, we sent a picture of the little fella there, huh?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yeah.

[Ronald Easter]

Looks like a little glow worm, doesn't it?

[Simon Sparrow]

I suppose it does.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, well, if the captain's got the glow, he's got the glow.

[Simon Sparrow]

I don't think you better have any more of that brandy.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, we got to relax.

[Simon Sparrow]

Not too much.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, I know I've got to get you, sir. Hasn't been used since Dr. F.L. was doing your job.

[Simon Sparrow]

It's in this drawer here, I think. What's that?

[Ronald Easter]

Your white operating gown. Yes, here it is. You've got to look the part, haven't you? Come on now, stand up.

[Simon Sparrow]

It's all right.

[Ronald Easter]

Let's see if you can shoe.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, yes, yes. Easter. How tall was Dr. Flower Day?

[Ronald Easter]

Six foot three, sir. Don't worry, I'll pin it up just a bit.

[Simon Sparrow]

There are all these holes in it.

[Ronald Easter]

Moss, that's all, sir. You look all right.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yeah, it's like Gruyere cheese. I'm terrified, Easter.

[Ronald Easter]

Well, at least the gown goes with your complexion, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

Easter, please. I want everything ready for two hours time. Most important thing to do now is sterilize everything that gown, the instruments, the lot.

[Ronald Easter]

Yes, sir, all the ways. Did you say the instruments, sir?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, the surgical instruments. A brand new set bought for me by the company when we reached Gibraltar.

[Ronald Easter]

You.

[Simon Sparrow]

You.

[Ronald Easter]

You couldn't manage without them, could you, sir?

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, of course not.

[Ronald Easter]

Pity.

[Simon Sparrow]

What?

[Ronald Easter]

I flogged them to some bloke just before we left Gibraltar.

[Simon Sparrow]

You did?

[Ronald Easter]

What's got a very good price for them. You and me can split 50 50.

[Simon Sparrow]

That's outrageous. I don't want any of your ill gotten games.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, that's smashing. Your predecessor, Dr. Flowerday always insisted on a 5050 splint.

[Simon Sparrow]

Dr. Flowerday could have been struck off for that.

[Ronald Easter]

To tell you the truth, I don't think Dr. Flowerday was ever struck on.

[Simon Sparrow]

Operation without instruments.

[Ronald Easter]

The Louis Pasteur, the SS Lotus.

[Simon Sparrow]

What the hell am I going to Use for forceps, helpers, chokers.

[Ronald Easter]

I. I should be able to scratch up something from Chippy the Carpenter.

[Simon Sparrow]

Chippy the Easter. If any of us gets out of this alive, I shall personally perform an operation on you with a knife, a fork and a rusty tin opener.

[Ronald Easter]

Yes. Actually, sir, they were the very tools I was going to suggest we use on Kipton. And I'm sure we never know the difference.

[Captain Spratt]

This is un. The fun has just begun.

[Simon Sparrow]

Just take another sip of brandy, Captain.

[Captain Spratt]

I'm forever blowing bubbles.

[Ronald Easter]

Hasn't he had enough yet, Doc?

[Simon Sparrow]

Thanks to your criminal activities, Easter, we have no means whatsoever of anesthetizing Captain Spratt. I'm not operating until he passes out again.

[Ronald Easter]

But seeing as Harry's chances of survival are so slim, it seems a shocking waste of good brandy.

[Simon Sparrow]

One more sip, Captain. Few.

[Captain Spratt]

Have some ducks, me old cook.

[Simon Sparrow]

I've had something I'd drink. Get up.

[Captain Spratt]

Why are you trying to get me drunk?

[Simon Sparrow]

No reason at all, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

I don't usually drink, you know, Doctor.

[Simon Sparrow]

I know that, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

No ulterior motive, is there?

[Simon Sparrow]

Of course not, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Oh, poor belly ache. How are you wrong with me?

[Simon Sparrow]

You know.

[Ronald Easter]

Of course there isn't.

[Captain Spratt]

Just slipped a number so out.

[Ronald Easter]

Quite, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

So what am I doing in your surgery?

[Simon Sparrow]

Just resting. Having a little drink.

[Captain Spratt]

Having a little drink.

[Ronald Easter]

Lovely, Captain.

[Captain Spratt]

Am I? So are you lovely, Doctor.

[Simon Sparrow]

Thank you, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

I'm not as lovely as you.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, you are.

[Captain Spratt]

No, I'm not.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, you are.

[Captain Spratt]

No, I'm not.

[Simon Sparrow]

All right, you're not. There I am. Drink this tumble of brandy, you old lugga.

[Captain Spratt]

Oh, my poor old belly.

[Simon Sparrow]

There we are. I'll just top it up for you.

[Captain Spratt]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're pouring that out of a poison bottle.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, I know. Have another one.

[Ronald Easter]

Can't we put him onto metallided spirits now?

[Simon Sparrow]

No. Listen to it in a section. There we are, sir. A really big one.

[Captain Spratt]

Big one.

[Simon Sparrow]

Stand six. Just lie down, sir.

[Captain Spratt]

You want me to lie down?

[Simon Sparrow]

Of course I want you to lie down.

[Captain Spratt]

Of course I do. I can't lie up, can I drink any guys? Take my luck out of it.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well, and very well.

[Captain Spratt]

Some of these fellow cuns. Some of these fellow. I wish you stand still while I'm talking to you.

[Simon Sparrow]

I am standing still, sir. I thought he'd never go out. Right, let's get cracking. Open that door. Let them in.

[Ronald Easter]

What is the whole bean there, Will? The staffing.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Right, Yar.

[Captain Spratt]

Here's the.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Get the table over there, lads.

[Ronald Easter]

Here's the tools, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

But it had to Be sterilized.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Definitely.

[Simon Sparrow]

The cook boiled them up a treat. Right, let's see what I'm to work with. A pair of pliers, carving knife, two knitting needles.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Lucky that Archer had taken up knitting, eh, Dawks?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, very. What's this?

[Jock Hornbeam]

A potato knife. Oh, and I've got. This hasn't been boiled, but it's got a corkscrew and a thing for getting stones out of horses hooves.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, thanks. Now, come on, come on. Let's lift him onto the table. Now, take his feet. Jock, Easter, you and I take the rest of him. Now careful. Ready?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Up to daisy.

[Ronald Easter]

Oh, you can feel that meat pine twinkle pulled, can't you?

[Simon Sparrow]

Don't wake him up.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Have you had a nip of his breath? I should think his appendix will be pickled.

[Ronald Easter]

Randy, he should have given him myths.

[Simon Sparrow]

Be quiet. Put him down gently now.

[Ronald Easter]

Right.

[Simon Sparrow]

Easter, plug that kettle in for hot water and keep it filled constantly.

[Ronald Easter]

Right, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

Right. Jock, help me with his gown, will you?

[Jock Hornbeam]

Right.

[Simon Sparrow]

Any gloves, Easter?

[Ronald Easter]

Rubber gloves, you mean? No, sir.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Hell, I foresaw that one.

[Ronald Easter]

Doc.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Here's my woollen mittens.

[Simon Sparrow]

Woolen. It's all right.

[Jock Hornbeam]

I got the cook to boil those up too. Does this gown of yours do up at the back door?

[Simon Sparrow]

Should do. No teats or anything.

[Jock Hornbeam]

I'll have to pin it up.

[Simon Sparrow]

What about a mask, Easter?

[Ronald Easter]

I'm boiling a couple of hankies in a kettle here, son. Quick and tired anyway.

[Captain Spratt]

Hurry up.

[Ronald Easter]

You'll have to wait a moment, sir. You can't carve the joy till I've boiled the be.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Hey, Doc. Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

Here's your white hat.

[Jock Hornbeam]

The cook said look after it because it was given to him when he was assistant chef at the Savoy.

[Simon Sparrow]

Has it been sterilized?

[Jock Hornbeam]

Well, definitely. And with the mittens and the tools.

[Simon Sparrow]

Here's your mask, Doc.

[Ronald Easter]

Shh. I'll tie it around your head.

[Captain Spratt]

Thanks. Ah.

[Ronald Easter]

Shh.

[Simon Sparrow]

What's up? It's hot.

[Ronald Easter]

Running down to the cold tap.

[Simon Sparrow]

No, no, no. Easter, are you ready to assist? Not Arth. Are you ready to begin? I think so. Now let's trip his toes off. Please don't.

[Captain Spratt]

Right.

[Simon Sparrow]

Start with his shoes and socks.

[Ronald Easter]

Very good, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

I'll undo his shirt. Shouldn't we shave him, sir? Shave him?

[Ronald Easter]

Yes, sir.

[Simon Sparrow]

I should think he shaved this morning, didn't he?

[Ronald Easter]

I don't mean up there.

[Captain Spratt]

So.

[Simon Sparrow]

I mean, I don't think we need to be too fussy.

[Ronald Easter]

How are you feeling now, Doc?

[Simon Sparrow]

Pretty good, actually. Brand is favorable, isn't it? Hey, I like when he's got tattooed on his chest. What's that? Never say die. Sling over those instruments for you. Why?

[Jock Hornbeam]

One knife, one fork, one tin opener.

[Ronald Easter]

Quiet now. I'll get this chair of the door. Lift his backside up.

[Simon Sparrow]

We lift his backside up and we.

[Ronald Easter]

Poke his backside down.

[Simon Sparrow]

He stopped. Mind that tin opener.

[Captain Spratt]

What the place is you think you're doing?

[Simon Sparrow]

Dr. Blimey's woken up.

[Captain Spratt]

Put my trousers back on. There, there.

[Ronald Easter]

Just lie back sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Take your grubby mitts off my belly. What's the meaning of this?

[Simon Sparrow]

It's all right sir.

[Ronald Easter]

You're in safe hands.

[Captain Spratt]

You gone mad standing there dressed in that dark? Get up. You look like St. Peter.

[Simon Sparrow]

Captain, please listen to me. You are a sick man.

[Captain Spratt]

Sick? I'm 100% fit man.

[Jock Hornbeam]

100%?

[Simon Sparrow]

No sir. I've got to operate. Operate?

[Captain Spratt]

You're drunk.

[Simon Sparrow]

Maybe, but I've still got to operate.

[Captain Spratt]

Let operate on me.

[Simon Sparrow]

Your appendix is coming out.

[Captain Spratt]

Appendix?

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes sir.

[Captain Spratt]

Pull my underpants down and take a look.

[Simon Sparrow]

Now there's a time and a place for everything.

[Captain Spratt]

I'll do it for you. There.

[Simon Sparrow]

Good Lord of Scar.

[Ronald Easter]

Hells Dells.

[Jock Hornbeam]

What is it?

[Simon Sparrow]

A scar about four and a half inches long on the right side of the abdomen.

[Captain Spratt]

Infirmary. Elliot, you medical moron. You stupid twit. My appendix is in a jar in the Liverpool Infirmary.

[Ronald Easter]

You don't have two appendixes, do you?

[Captain Spratt]

No.

[Simon Sparrow]

Well I would have noticed before I'd.

[Captain Spratt]

Gone too far about you. You would have probably diagnosed this scar as the result of a Caesarean burn.

[Simon Sparrow]

When you have been having stomach pain, sir. An appendicit doctor.

[Ronald Easter]

Bellyache.

[Captain Spratt]

Great Scott. If you operated on every member of the crew had billy ache. We'd end up like a Mary Celeste. Mr. Arnie, come with me. I want a written report on the whole business. At the very least it looks like attempted manslaughter.

[Ronald Easter]

It could have happened to anyone, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

I'm not so sure about that.

[Ronald Easter]

Have another tumbler. Full of the old medical comforts.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, I will. Come in. Wendy. I forgot all about you.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

Obviously. I've been waiting on the poop deck since six o' clock.

[Simon Sparrow]

It was the Captain, you see. I had to remove his appendix. Congratulations.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

I've just passed him. He made a wonderful recovery.

[Simon Sparrow]

Yes, yes. Well you see, I didn't know it was already in a jar in the Liverpool Infirmary.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

If you'll excuse me then I may possibly see you around sometime tomorrow. Or even the day after.

[Simon Sparrow]

Now hang on a second. Are we going to listen to some records tonight?

[Wendy Swithenbank]

I'm afraid not. When I waited over half an hour for you. Mr. Trail kindly suggested. Suggested? I had a little dinner with him tonight and a stroll around the boat deck.

[Simon Sparrow]

Mr. Trail? But he's the most lecherous lad on the boat. Stay.

[Ronald Easter]

The young doctor.

[Simon Sparrow]

You know what he's like. A portion every girl. Simon. What? What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You getting angry in that outfit? I don't see anything funny.

[Ronald Easter]

You're not standing where she is.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

You look like cross between the local butcher, the abominable Snowman. Night, night.

[Ronald Easter]

She's only having new ons, huh?

[Simon Sparrow]

A teddy, Trail, Honestly.

[Narrator]

She's only doing it to make you jealous.

[Simon Sparrow]

But she's leaving the ship in a few days. All right. Come on.

[Wendy Swithenbank]

That way.

[Simon Sparrow]

It's all Captain Spat's fault. Him and his flipping belly ache.

[Ronald Easter]

Here's your brand, Issa. Thanks.

[Simon Sparrow]

You know, Isa, I wish we had shaved him now. That would have taught him. Come here.

[Jock Hornbeam]

I thought I ought to tell you, Doc. The captain's been violently ill. Lovely.

[Simon Sparrow]

Sterilize the instruments again.

[Jock Hornbeam]

No, no, no. It's all right. He's okay now. He's been sick all over the deck. You know what was causing the bellyache, don't you?

[Captain Spratt]

What? Pickled onions.

[Simon Sparrow]

Pickled onions?

[Captain Spratt]

Aye.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Real greedy guts he must be for him. He obviously couldn't have digested them. You should have seen it just now.

[Captain Spratt]

About 50 pickled onions. Rolling a third.

[Simon Sparrow]

You better have a brandy, Doc.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Oh, lovely. Thanks, Easter.

[Simon Sparrow]

How about you, Easter?

[Jock Hornbeam]

Will you join us?

[Ronald Easter]

Thank you, sir. I thought you'd never ask.

[Captain Spratt]

Cheers.

[Jock Hornbeam]

Cheers, Doc.

[Simon Sparrow]

Cheers.

[Ronald Easter]

I must hand it to you, Doc. You were prepared to go ahead and whisk it. That's the main thing.

[Captain Spratt]

Prepared?

[Simon Sparrow]

I was straining at the leash. He could stuff his brand, isn't it? My word. I have to operate more often. I suppose we could persuade Mr. Trail to eat more pickled onions. Could we?

[Narrator]

In that episode of Doctor at Large, written by Ray Cooney, the parts were played as Simon Sparrow, Richard Bryers, Captain Spratt, Jeffrey Sumner, Jock Hornbeam, Ray Cooney, Wendy Swithen, Bank Norma, Ronald Easter. Guest star, Peter Jones. Doctor at Large was adapted from the original novel by Richard Gordon and produced by David Hat.