Dr Pepper Parade xx-xx-xx (17) First Song - Alexander The Swoose

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Dr Pepper Parade (xx-xx-xx) #17 – First Song: "Alexander The Swoose"
Air Date: September 2, 2025
Main Theme:
A lively, vintage radio variety show, “The Dr Pepper Parade,” set in the golden age of radio. The episode is filled with comedic sketches, ongoing characters, original novelty songs, and the ever-present cheerleading for Dr Pepper. The tone is upbeat, gently satirical, and playfully absurd, centering on the antics of Molasses and January, music by Peter Van Steeden and his orchestra, and plenty of old-fashioned jingle harmonies.

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Key Sections, Highlights, and Timestamps

Opening & Introductions

[01:00]

• Host Jack Arthur welcomes listeners to The Dr Pepper Parade, introducing recurring characters: Peggy Pepper, Peter Van Steeden, the orchestra, and the comic duo Molasses and January.
• Immediate, breezy rhythm—calling listeners to “step up and step out in the Dr Pepper parade.”

---

Novelty Song: "Alexander the Swoose"

[02:25–05:10]

• Peggy Pepper introduces the “special swoose named Alexander,” leading into a zany original song jammed with animal wordplay.
• Peter Van Steeden (singing):
  • “Here comes little Alexander, what a funny looking gander. He’s half swan and he’s half goose.” [02:38]
  • Chorus: “Oh, molasses is a swoose. Half swan, half goose, oh, molasses is a swoose.”
• Comic banter from January and Private Molasses:
  • January (as the swoose):
    “Mother, mother, mother goose, why am I not like brother goose? The other geese just laugh at me and call me a catastrophe.” [02:58]
• Light-hearted roasting about looks and ancestry, culminating in a musical lament about being called “ugly” and an “outcast”.
• Memorable Quote:
  • Private Molasses: “I know you can’t help being ugly, but you could stay home.” [04:03]

---

Comedy Skit: Family News Letters

[05:10–08:10]

• January reads a “letter from home,” filled with outlandish rural family news.
  • Aunt Repugnant has had her 18th child; carbon Tetra Chloride and Ethel Chloride have wired their radio and icebox together (“Every day they defrost the radio, and the icebox sings Molasses the Swoose.” [06:52])
  • Private Molasses: “That ain’t no face, boy, that’s sabotage!” [07:01]
• Running Gag: Absurd relatives, exaggerated features, and puns.
• Ethel Chloride described as “a refugee from her face."
• Escalates to jokes about a sweater made from a “four-mile-long, half-inch-wide barn.”

---

Second Song: "The Weatherman Was Wrong"

[08:20–10:23]

• Peggy Pepper introduces the number, correcting the weatherman’s dreary forecast with a sunny ballad.
• Key Lyrics:
  • “Oh, the weatherman was wrong, he predicted rain… he wasn’t wise to your sunny smile or your starry eyes…”
• Peter Van Steeden adds:
  • “We bet the weatherman’s tearing his hair, he said we better love inside tonight.” [09:21]
• Overall effect: Cheerful, romantic, celebrating optimism.

---

Dr Pepper Energy Plug

[10:48–11:22]

• Peggy Pepper: Emphasizes Dr Pepper’s “energy pick-ups” at 10, 2, and 4.
  • “This year, more than ever, smart folks who work hard… are discovering a marvelous way to help pick energy up. They take a minute out at 10, 2, and 4 to enjoy a cold bottle of Dr Pepper.” [10:48]
• Jack Arthur: “If you haven’t yet tried Dr Pepper, make tomorrow your day to get acquainted with America’s new favorite drink.” [11:15]

---

Military Camp Skit: "Molasses and January in the Army"

[11:22–15:35]

• Comic scenario in a military tent:
  • Sergeant January tries to wake Private Molasses, who resists with surreal dream stories (baseball cows, Shredded Wheat mattress, waking up on the chandelier).
  • Exchange:
    • January: “The worst dream I ever had was the day before I jined the army… I turned into a monkey.” [12:45]
    • Private Molasses: “That’s not so bad.” – “Except I woke up on the chandelier." [12:58]
  • Horseback-riding gags, army slapstick, banter about noses and camouflage.
  • Sergeant January uses threats of KP duty to finally get Molasses up.

---

Song: "Home on the Range"

[16:54–18:20]

• Peter Van Steeden and ensemble deliver a nostalgic rendition of the American classic.
• Provides a dreamy, communal moment in the episode.

---

Highway Markers & “Happy Town” Jingle

[18:20–20:12]

• Jack Arthur proposes friendlier highway signage for towns, plugging Dr Pepper’s community presence:
  • “When folks approach our city, we have this big sign in red letters: Welcome to Happy Town. 30 places on Main Street sell Dr Pepper. Stop, rest, enjoy yourself and see the sights.” [19:11]
• Peggy Pepper: Suggests the town should have a theme song.
• Group sings the “Happy Town” jingle:
  • “There’s a place I know called Happy Town where everyone is gay. They say life’s fun because they drink Dr Pepper every day…” [19:45]

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Army Skit Pt. II: Kitchen Disasters & Artillery Range

[20:35–25:51]

• Private Molasses and January in the mess hall, debating food quality (stale pudding, ancient eggs).
• Molasses claims to hear voices from his stomach.
• The pair test a new cannon shell; January gets stuck inside the gun in classic slapstick fashion.
  • Private Molasses: “Whenever my stomach is upset, I hear voices.” [22:05]
• Ridiculous escalation: threats to fill the cannon with everything from gunpowder to dynamite to “130 pounds of running molasses.”
• Jack Arthur: “Put in an ounce of Solution X instead.” [25:43]
• End result: comedic disaster, with January “blown” into the water, declaring the new shell a failure but himself “terrific” for surviving.

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Love Advice Interlude

[26:31–27:48]

• Jack and Peggy discuss writing a romantic play:
  • Peggy: “Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl.” [26:38]
• Peggy’s advice: “Be nice to her. Buy her flowers, candy… and lots of America’s new favorite drink.” [26:51]
• Set piece: teens at a soda fountain, drinking Dr Pepper—a symbol of youthful romance.

---

Song: "Down at the Friendly Tavern"

[28:07–29:59]

• Ensemble group number celebrating community, togetherness, and Dr Pepper at the Friendly Tavern.
• Ragtime feel, with lyrics about music, laughter, and “good old Dr Pepper.”
• Memorable: “Fill up your glasses with good old Dr Pepper drinker / Down at the Friendly Tavern they’ll always lie around…”

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Closing Comic Bits

[29:59]

• Molasses returns from the zoo: tells tall tales about misleading animals and a chimpanzee named Louise who thinks they’ll marry.
• [30:39] Jack Arthur: Signs off, teasing future episodes and restating Dr Pepper’s virtues.
• Final jingle reprises the Dr Pepper theme:
  • “Bringing joy across the land…if you want to lead the band, drink it every day, energy picks up and you’ll enjoy life more.” [30:57]
• Signature send-off:
  • Jack Arthur: “And don't think it hasn't been charmin'.” [31:12]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Private Molasses (on ancestry):
  "I can't help it, son. If my pappy was a swan and my mama was a goose. I can't help it. Cause I'm ugly." [04:00]
• Private Molasses (on Ethel Chloride's nose):
  "Boy, she looks like a refugee from her face." [06:59]
• Sergeant January (on army food):
  "Tell me, is this ham you served cured?" — "Yes, it's had a relapse!" [20:40]
• January (on what to do if the enemy comes from all sides):
  "Go west, young man, go west." [22:44]
• Peggy’s romantic wisdom:
  "Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl… and then buy her lots of America’s new favorite drink." [26:51]
• Molasses (post-cannon disaster):
  "I'm terrific. Yeah, I sunk a battle." [26:31]
• Jack Arthur (closing):
  "And don't think it hasn't been Charmin'." [31:12]

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Episode Structure and Flow

• Delightfully anarchic: skits, songs, and ad-style Dr Pepper plugs flow one into another, held together by Jack Arthur’s genial, slightly winking narration.
• Running themes: Small-town Americana, gentle parodies of military life, zany word- and name-play, community and togetherness through music and the omnipresent Dr Pepper.
• Tone: Breezy, playful, occasionally absurd; packed with period-correct corny jokes and sweet, nostalgic melodies.

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For New Listeners

This episode captures the creative, communal fun and commercial charm of old-time American radio, blending musical numbers, vaudeville-style comedy, and product plugs into a seamless hour of light entertainment. It’s a time capsule of period humor, musical taste, and advertising style—perfect for lovers of classic audio theater or anyone curious about pre-television pop culture.

Transcript

[Peggy Pepper]

Hey there.

[Wayfair Announcer]

Are you sitting down?

[Private Molasses]

Good.

[Wayfair Announcer]

Cause Wayfair's end of season sale is here and you can shop it from your couch. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance and it's on now. Right now you can score up to 70% off everything home at Wayfair. Like up to 50% off outdoor furniture and decor and up to 70% off area rugs. Plus amazing doorbuster deals. And 24 hour surprise flash deals on Wayfair Home finds in every style. And get it all. With fast shipping on everything right to your door. From furniture to faucet. This is your last chance of the season to score huge deals at Wayfair. Don't let the final days of summer pass you by without shopping these end of season savings. So don't wait. Like summer, these savings won't last. Head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70% off everything home. Celebrate your holiday weekend with can't miss savings before they run out Shop Wayfair's Labor Day clearance now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Jack Arthur]

The Dr. Pepper Parade. Yes friends, the Dr. Pepper Parade. Led by that lovely lively little majorette, pretty Peggy Pepper.

[Narrator / Singer]

And here she is bringing joy across the land.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Dr. Pepper.

[Narrator / Singer]

If you want to lead the band, drink it every day Energy picks and you'll enjoy life more.

[Jack Arthur]

Remember, Dr. Pepper time.

[Peter Van Steeden]

10 and 2 and 4.

[Private Molasses]

Thank you.

[Jack Arthur]

Thank you friends. Thank you indeed. This is Jack Arthur asking you all to step up and step out in the Dr. Pepper parade. Along the line of March you'll meet pretty Peggy Pepper, the Pepper Uppers, Peter Van Steeden and his orchestra and our stars, Mo Lasses and January lined up in front of your house each week at this time by Dr. Pepper the Swell drink that's inviting, delighting and exciting. Oh, January.

[Private Molasses]

Yes, Mr. Arthur?

[Jack Arthur]

Step up here in front of the reviewing stand and give us a sentence containing the word swoose, will you?

[Private Molasses]

Swoose.

[Jack Arthur]

Right.

[Private Molasses]

You mean SW Double.

[Jack Arthur]

Oh me Molasses.

[January]

Yes sir. A zig is a right handed zag and a swoosh is a left handed swoosh.

[Private Molasses]

Swish something, Peggy.

[Peggy Pepper]

This is a special swoose named Alexander.

[Jack Arthur]

Aha, Alexander the swuz. Try a few notes of that, will you Peter? Maybe we'll all join in.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Here comes little Alexander. What a funny looking gander.

[Narrator / Singer]

He's half swan and he's half goose.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Huff, huff, huff. He's just a swoose. Alexander's really molasses. Pride of all the poultry classes.

[Narrator / Singer]

He's half swan and he's half goose.

[Private Molasses]

Ha ha ha.

[Peter Van Steeden]

He's just a sw.

[January]

Mother, Mother Mother Goose. Why am I not like brother Goose? The other geese just laugh at me and call me a catastrophe.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Spooce, spoose. Oh, molasses is a spoose.

[Jack Arthur]

Spoose, sploos. Oh, molasses is a spooce.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Half swan, half goose. Oh, molasses is a spooce.

[Private Molasses]

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

[January]

Whenever they plays hide and seek I hide my head. Cause I'm a freak. They say my PA good for nothing vagabond.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Molasses is a swoosh swoose.

[Jack Arthur]

Oh, molasses.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Scissors. Big feet, big beak. Oh, molasses is a freak.

[Private Molasses]

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

[January]

La la la la la. Wait. Wait a minute.

[Private Molasses]

What's the matter?

[January]

Everybody's on me tonight, ain't Dee?

[Private Molasses]

What's wrong?

[January]

Everybody standing out here. Low rating. Poor, intelligent me. I can't help it, son. If my pappy was a swan and my mama was a goose. I can't help it. Cause I'm ugly.

[Private Molasses]

I know you can't help being ugly, but you could stay home.

[January]

Oh, wise crevices. Huh? What's the difference between a goose, a goose nor what? Oh, nothing. Just what is the difference between a goose, that's all?

[Private Molasses]

I don't know. What's the difference between a goose one leg is both the same don't pay no attention. Sing Miss Peggy.

[Narrator / Singer]

They're so unkind. But he doesn't mind their slander he's.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Just disturbed because he's hurt they're go.

[Jack Arthur]

Wanna cook his goosey gando.

[January]

Guess I'll have to run away. I know what they'll do if I stay I'd rather be a refugee. Instead of chicken for hickory swoose swoose.

[Jack Arthur]

Oh, molasses is a swoose Swoose, swoose.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Oh, molasses is a swoose. Half a swan, half a goose. Oh, molasses is a swoose.

[Private Molasses]

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

[January]

Hey, January.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah.

[January]

Boy, you know you and me ought not to sing no songs.

[Private Molasses]

Why not?

[January]

You see that man sitting down there in that third row with that cabbage in his hand?

[Private Molasses]

Well, what about it?

[January]

He didn't bring that in here to eat.

[Private Molasses]

Wait a minute.

[January]

Lazarus.

[Private Molasses]

Huh? I see thou hast in thy alabaster Paul. There a letter. Now tell me, is it from your hometown chitling switch.

[January]

Well, I should hope to kiss a bow legged bumblebee. It is.

[Private Molasses]

It is, huh.

[January]

Certainly says that my aunt Repugnant. You know old Puggy, don't you? Oh yeah, I know her. She just had her 18th child. Her 18th child yet one more and she goes on. We the people.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Boy.

[Private Molasses]

One mo and she is. We the people.

[January]

I think they needed that last one for the umpire. Parenthetically speaking. I wonder what your papa said when you was born.

[Private Molasses]

What an odd thing to bring up.

[January]

I guess that's what he said.

[Private Molasses]

Don't be son consusive, will you?

[Jack Arthur]

No, I won't.

[Private Molasses]

How is you ain't Repugnant's form?

[January]

Well, they just built a brand new barn down there. It's four miles long and a half an inch wide.

[Private Molasses]

My goodness, imagine having a barn four miles long, a half inch wide. What do they keep in it, spaghetti?

[January]

She's knitting me a sweater out of it tomorrow.

[Private Molasses]

Is there any news in there about your cousin Carbon tetra chloride and his wife Ethel? Chloride?

[January]

Yeah, they had a little accident last week.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah?

[January]

Yeah. They got the radio connection hooked up with the icebox and the icebox hooked up to the radio connection. They got it all by mistake.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah. Well, what happened now?

[January]

Every day they defrost the radio and the icebox sings molasses the swoosh.

[Private Molasses]

I say one thing you ain't ethyl chloride. She certainly is a homely old gal, ain't she Boy, she looks like a.

[January]

Refugee from her face.

[Private Molasses]

That ain't no face, boy. That's a sabotage. You know old Ethel, she has just about the sharpest nose I ever see.

[January]

Oh man, she ain't got no nose. She got look like a pimple.

[Private Molasses]

Awkward certainly.

[January]

My gal, Ducky Pugh, she got a sharp nose.

[Private Molasses]

Oh, is she?

[January]

Oh, it look like a dagger.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah, certainly.

[January]

You know, the first time I kissed her, I got kissed and my ears pierced at the same time.

[Private Molasses]

Damn it. Son, I forgot to ask you. Does it say anything there in that letter about your sister Euphrasia?

[January]

Yeah, she had a funny thing happen to her too.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah?

[January]

Yeah. She writs that she fell asleep in the bathtub. Yes, Titty. And she left the water running.

[Private Molasses]

Well, did the water overflow?

[January]

No, she kept her mouth open.

[Private Molasses]

I see.

[January]

Then there's just one more last item here. My little brother Mimeograph's wife. Yeah, she left him and she left in a funny costume.

[Private Molasses]

Is that so? What was she wearing?

[January]

A nightgown and a frying pan.

[Private Molasses]

A nightgown in A frying pan? Was she crazy?

[January]

No, she was cooking breakfast and the stove exploded.

[Private Molasses]

Oh.

[Jack Arthur]

While molasses in January are getting armed to the teeth for another five minute enlistment in a training camp, pretty Peggy Pepper is going to do something about the weather. What does the weatherman say, Peggy?

[Peggy Pepper]

Rain. J.

[Private Molasses]

Rain.

[Peggy Pepper]

But he's wrong.

[Jack Arthur]

Well, now you show him the weatherman was wrong. Make a noise like the weather, will you, Peter?

[Narrator / Singer]

Oh, the weatherman was wrong he predicted rain oh, no, he wasn't wise to your sunny smile or your starry eyes the weatherman was wrong he forecast the storm oh, no, he wasn't smart for the boomty boom was my thundering heart Blow ye winds like a cyclone or a hurricane I've got a cyclone of my own and he's my weather vane oh, the weatherman was wrong Wrong again tonight but whenever we're together we don't care Whether the weatherman's wrong or right.

[Peter Van Steeden]

We bet the weatherman's tearing his hair he said we better love inside tonight.

[Narrator / Singer]

But there's a perfect moon shining up there Ain't it a wonderful sight?

[Peter Van Steeden]

Oh, the weatherman was wrong he predicted.

[Narrator / Singer]

Rain oh, no, he wasn't wise to your sunny smile or your starry eyes.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Weatherman was wrong he forecast a storm.

[Narrator / Singer]

Oh, no, he wasn't smart for the boomty boom was my thundering horn Blow.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Your winds like a cyclone or like a great big hurricane I've got a.

[Narrator / Singer]

Cyclone of my own and he's my.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Weather vane oh, the weatherman was wrong.

[Narrator / Singer]

Wrong again tonight but whenever we're together.

[Peter Van Steeden]

We don't care Whether the weatherman is wrong or right.

[Jack Arthur]

Friends, America has two new symbols of power. Listen. Yes, the bugle call and the factory whistle are saying, Wake up, America. There's work to be done. Millions of alert young men and women are doing their part in factory, farm, in shop and mill.

[Peggy Pepper]

And don't forget, Jack. This year more than ever, smart folks who work hard. Yes, and who play hard too, are discovering a marvelous way to help pick energy up. They take a minute out at 10 o', clock, 2 o' clock and 4 o' clock to enjoy a cold bottle of Dr. Pepper.

[Jack Arthur]

Right you are, pretty Peggy Pepper for Dr. Pepper's welcome. Exciting flavor is just the ticket for a fresh start. You'll enjoy life more and get more work done too.

[Peggy Pepper]

Friends, if you haven't yet tried Dr. Pepper, make tomorrow your day to get acquainted with America's new favorite drink.

[Jack Arthur]

Remember, energy picks up. You enjoy life more when you drink Dr. Pepper. At 10, 2 and 4. And now we find Molasses in January in the army again. We're in a tent where Private Molasses is asleep in his cot. It is early morning.

[January]

Taking lessons again, huh? I wonder what that can be. Uh oh, here comes Sergeant Janier.

[Private Molasses]

Hey you. Hey you. Private Molasses.

[January]

Yes sir.

[Private Molasses]

Get in the bed. Huh? Get up.

[January]

I want to get up. Sergeant. January. I just had the funniest dream. I dreamed two baseball cows was talking.

[Private Molasses]

Two baseball cows was talking.

[January]

Yasuh. One cow say, do you get the Giant score? And the other cow said no. All I get is the Yanks.

[Private Molasses]

Yes, son, get up from there.

[January]

Oh, I don't want to get up. I want to get the Giants. I want to feel so good today.

[Private Molasses]

Oh, why not?

[January]

Last night I dreamed I was eating Shredded Wheat.

[Private Molasses]

Well, what's terrible about that?

[January]

Well look, my mattress is half gone. Hey Sarge, let me go back to sleep. I want some pillows.

[Private Molasses]

Au gratin. So you is a dreamer.

[January]

Well, aren't we all. But the worst dream I ever had was the day before I jined the army. Yeah, yeah Sergeant, I dreamed I turned into a monkey.

[Private Molasses]

Well that's not so bad.

[January]

Well it wasn't bad ceping for one thing.

[Private Molasses]

What's that?

[January]

I woke up on the chandelier.

[Private Molasses]

Listen here, enough of this nonsense. Gotcha. Get up out of that bed or you gonna get some KP duty.

[January]

Say, what kind of e flat hotel is this? Know how you people had me ridin horseback yesterday for de fust time? Now you spectin me to get up and walk around today?

[Private Molasses]

Oh, you call that horseback riding?

[January]

Was it doin de ride? The horse thowed me up and down, up and down, up and down. He was tryin to see could he catch me.

[Private Molasses]

Well you must have been out of practice.

[January]

No, da horse was. He missed me five times. But one time, once though, he did throw me up and down and he did catch me. Well that's nice on de fifth bounce. Boy, they must give me a funny looking old war horse to ride or something.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah, well how did you know it was an old war horse?

[January]

Somebody blowed a whistle and I went over the top.

[Private Molasses]

Now look here. Are you going to get up out of that bed?

[January]

Well I will Sergey, old sock, if you promise to put me in the camouflage corpse. I like to act as camouflage, but no corpse.

[Private Molasses]

Why you leather headed ape you. What sort of a camouflage could you be?

[January]

Oh, I could be a smokescreen.

[Private Molasses]

I can see thou getting some KP duty.

[January]

Why you ugly lookin.

[Private Molasses]

Listen here, don't you start making cracks about my looks, huh? Look at yourself.

[January]

Yeah.

[Private Molasses]

Boy, what a nose.

[January]

Yeah, that thing you breathing through ain't no freckle.

[Private Molasses]

Never mind. Now stop the foolishment. Get up from there now.

[January]

Oh, now don't get mad. Don't get angry at me. After all, it's only a slight difference of opinion. He wants me to get up and I want to stay in the bed. It's up to you to convince me to get up now.

[Private Molasses]

Well, all right then. If you don't get up, I'll hit you with this rock.

[January]

I'm convinced. Well, that is, I'm half convinced. I'll open one eye anyhow.

[Private Molasses]

Well, my argument must be pretty strong.

[January]

Yeah, but it ain't strong enough. I shut the eye.

[Private Molasses]

That settles it. Now I'm going to dump your bed and goodbye and get up.

[January]

Oh me, ain't this floor cold? Dump in my bed. I got a good mind to tell what I think of that E flat sergeant. He must be pushed far away by now. So I will. Now you E flat no count idiot.

[Private Molasses]

You old pickle.

[January]

Push, you big ape. You Seuss. I got a good mind to take you down. You flop eared, funny looking mud turtle of a sergeant.

[Private Molasses]

Hey, what's that you said?

[January]

You the sir. What's that?

[Private Molasses]

What's that you say?

[January]

Oh, I say bad. Goodbye. K.P. here I come.

[Jack Arthur]

Just keep those helmets on, boys. You're not out of the army yet. And while we're waiting for the continuation of your affairs in the army, I'll try to keep the ball rolling with a favorite song of mine. Home on the range.

[Wayfair Announcer]

Big news. Wayfair's end of season sale is here. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance. Right now you can score up to 70% off everything home at Wayfair. Plus amazing doorbuster deals and 24 hour surprise flash deals on home buying in every style. This is your last chance to score end of season savings and it's happening now. Did we mention fast shipping on everything? Don't wait. Head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70% off now through September 2nd.

[Jack Arthur]

Wayfair Every Style, every home.

[Lowe's Announcer]

Save big during Labor Day at Lowe's. Get up to 40% off select major appliances plus buy more to get up to an additional 20% off shop even more savings with three stay green 1 cubic foot vegetable and flower garden soil bags for $10 this Labor Day. Take care of your home for less. It lowes we help you save ballot through nine three soil offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Selection varies by location. Select locations only while supplies last. See Lowes.com for more details.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo where the deer and the antelope lay where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the stars are not cloudy all day how often at night when the heavens are bright with the light of the glittering star have I stood there amid and I breath as I gazed if their glory exceeds that above Home, home on the rang where the deer and the antelope bled where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the stars are the cloudy Home, home on the rain where the deer and the antler all play.

[Jack Arthur]

Where snow say, pretty Peggy Pepper, I've got a new idea for the improvement of highway markers.

[Private Molasses]

Highway markers?

[Jack Arthur]

That's right.

[Peggy Pepper]

What do you mean, Jack?

[Jack Arthur]

Well, you know the signs you see when you're driving into a town. The first one says entering Martinsville, population 3,000. And you drive on and pretty soon you see the sign leaving Martinsville. Come again?

[Peggy Pepper]

That's not very inviting, is it? How would you change them, Jack?

[Jack Arthur]

Why, that's easy. Say that you and I are the chamber of commerce and we live in Happytown. So when the folks approach our city, we have this big sign in red letters. Welcome to happy town. 30 places on Main street sell Dr. Pepper. Stop, rest, enjoy yourself and see the sights.

[Peggy Pepper]

Say, that is an exciting invitation, Jack And I think our town ought to have an official theme song too. Telling about the happy people who live there. Remember the jingle we made up?

[Jack Arthur]

You bet I do.

[Private Molasses]

I'll start.

[Jack Arthur]

There's a place I know called Happy.

[Narrator / Singer]

Town where everyone is gay.

[Jack Arthur]

They say life's fun because they drink.

[Private Molasses]

Dr. Pepper every day.

[Jack Arthur]

All the wise folk there take a.

[Private Molasses]

Carton home to please each girl and boy.

[Jack Arthur]

Get six full bottles for a two.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Bit piece Dr. Pepper you'll all enjoy.

[Narrator / Singer]

Bring the chime ring the time.

[Peter Van Steeden]

It's Dr. Pepper time, your energy picks.

[Narrator / Singer]

Up and you'll enjoy life more at.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Pen and two and four. Yes indeed, folks.

[Jack Arthur]

And every home in Happy Town has Dr. Pepper in the icebox. Six full bottles, only 25 cents. Order a carton today. When we last left Molasses, he was headed for Cape P. Duke. And now we find him in the camp kitchen as Sergeant January enters.

[Private Molasses]

Hey, listen here, you Private Melezes, your.

[January]

House is Sergeant January.

[Private Molasses]

You know, I just been eating the food that you cook. How you feel? Never mind. Tell me, is this ham you served cured?

[January]

Is there anything wrong with the cured ham?

[Private Molasses]

Yes, it's had a Relapse. I want to know another thing. Yes, sir. Do you believe in reincarnation, Yasser?

[January]

But us calls it Hashtag.

[Private Molasses]

That's just what I thought. How you feel? Never mind that. And another thing. That chocolate pudding that you made last night, boy, it was awfully stale. It was, was it? I broke two teeth on the whipped cream.

[January]

I didn't know you had that many left.

[Private Molasses]

Never mind. And nothing. I have a complaint to make about this here egg. What you give me for breakfast? This egg is old. I tell the kind word, it's old. It's been here longer than you and me both. We're down. Well, there is old egg, ain't it? Well, never mind that stuff. Give me a fresh one. Never mind.

[January]

Just leave that one where it sets. It'll lay you a fresh one in a minute. I'll wring its neck for you if it don't.

[Private Molasses]

Well, quit now. You know, the food that you've been cooking around your boy suddenly is awful. How you feel? My mom. I don't feel so good. That's what I'm trying to tell you. My stomach is so upset that I keep hearing voices in my ears all the time. Maybe it's a swoosh. It ain't no swoosh. It's something in my stomach. Whenever my stomach is upset, I hear voices.

[January]

You swallowed whipped cream with teeth in it.

[Private Molasses]

You hear voices in your upset stomach?

[Peter Van Steeden]

Yeah, I do.

[January]

Do they give you a tip on your Preakness?

[Peter Van Steeden]

Oh, boy.

[Private Molasses]

Not them kind voices, ourselves.

[January]

Never mind that.

[Private Molasses]

You come on out of that kitchen. Yeah, wait till I eat. Never mind. You can't eat. You come on. You gotta help me test a new shell that I invented. Well, I'll go with you, but I'd.

[January]

Like to have pair eggs.

[Private Molasses]

Well, all right. Now, while we walking down here over to the artillery range, I want to give you a little test and strategy. Yeah. Sir? Suppose you saw the enemy coming from the east, you saw him coming from the north, you saw him coming from the south. What would you do?

[January]

Followed that old saying.

[Private Molasses]

What old saying?

[January]

Go west, young man, go west.

[Private Molasses]

Never mind the jokes. Now. Come cut it out. Here is the cannon that we're supposed to shoot off.

[January]

Boy, that's a big old cannon, ain't it?

[Private Molasses]

I bet that thing shoot 10 miles.

[January]

And then throw rocks at you, huh?

[Private Molasses]

Listen here. I bet they don't even have to.

[January]

See you with that gun. All they need is your address.

[Private Molasses]

We got to shoot it off with this new shell here, what I invented. Now, you wait here. Just A minute while I go over here and I get some gunpowder. Boy, I wish I'd stopped hearing them voices in my ear. How you feel?

[January]

Let me look at this canyon. Doggone, ain't this a pretty piece of machinery? That's a persuader, ain't it?

[Private Molasses]

Oh, look down this great big old.

[January]

Long hole in the end there.

[Private Molasses]

Look at all the little cemeteries down there. I think before we shoot it off.

[January]

I better clean it inside so it'll.

[Private Molasses]

Be sure to shoot straight. I'm going to climb up on the gun now.

[January]

I get inside the gun to clean it.

[Private Molasses]

Uh.

[January]

Oh, I'm inside the cannon.

[Private Molasses]

Sure is pretty. It's. Oh, doggone. I'm stuck inside the cannon. I can't get out. I'm back with the gunpowder. You got any slippery alum caps? Yeah, molasses. Brett, Scott, where in the world is Molasses? Well, I guess I'll have to shoot this gun without him. Where is that molasses there?

[January]

Is Janet in the gun.

[Private Molasses]

My goodness, if I didn't know I was hearing voices. I think that it was molasses. You know that it is molasses. I know it is. You're my upset stomach. How you feel? I can't wait for molasses. I'm gonna put some gunpowder in this here gun.

[January]

That's bad.

[Private Molasses]

No, no, I won't either. I'm gonna use. I'm gonna use gunpowder. That's good. I use tnt.

[January]

Bad. Bad again.

[Private Molasses]

Now I put the dynamite in, give it electric powder. Molasses is a swoosh. Now, let me see. Should I fire it off now or wait? No, I'll fire, then retire. I'll expire in a moment. I'll be firing.

[January]

In the meantime, I'm prespiring.

[Private Molasses]

If the shell shoots, I'm in clover. If it shoots, I'm in Dover. Now I can point the gun up to the sky. Hey, Pete, catch me as I pass by. Here goes. Wait. Sergeant January. Yes. To Captain Van Steening.

[January]

Yeah.

[Private Molasses]

Wait. Hey, what do you got in that gun, mel? I got 100 pounds of dynamite and gunpowder. Well, take it out.

[January]

I'm the happiest, the most joyfulest to give.

[Private Molasses]

Put in a ton of nitroglycerin and the tail. Yes, sir. Now I'm ready to shoot. Here goes. I'm a young thing and cannot leave.

[January]

My mother out of.

[Private Molasses]

January. Yes, sir? What have you got in that gun? Well, Colonel Arthur, I got a ton of nitroglycerin, 500 pounds of saltpeter and 130 pounds of running molasses.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Well, take them out.

[Private Molasses]

Yeah, I see light.

[Jack Arthur]

Put in an ounce of solution X instead.

[January]

Only an ounce. That can't hurt me. I can see more and more light.

[Jack Arthur]

It's stronger than 10 tons of nitroglycerin.

[Private Molasses]

Blackout. I think I pointed out towards the water. Well, here goes. Oh, me, oh, me, oh, me and my goodness bananas. Boy, you was all tattered and torn where have you been? Boom. In that cannon you shot off and I landed in the water oh, me well, tell me, how is the shell I invented? Is it powerful? Shell ain't no good. It ain't only went one mile, but, boy, I'm terrific. Yeah, I sunk a battle.

[Jack Arthur]

Peggy, you know, I've been thinking of writing a play. Maybe for Broadway, maybe to put on the radio. And I want you to give me a good plot. Now, you ought to know about love interest.

[Peggy Pepper]

Well, Jack, here's a part of every successful play that's ever been written. Listen. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl.

[Jack Arthur]

It's never failed yet, Peggy. But tell me, how does the boy keep the girl after he's won her?

[Peggy Pepper]

You're talking about romance, Jack. I'd say be nice to her. Buy a flower, candy. Take her dancing to picnics and buy her lots of America's new favorite drinks.

[Jack Arthur]

Ah, Dr. Pepper. A drink for energy.

[Peggy Pepper]

Certainly, Jack. And what's more, you can buy Dr. Pepper with a flavor that's exciting, inviting, delighting for only $0.05 at any soda fountain.

[Jack Arthur]

See, I've thought of a great scene, Peggy. A boy and girl, sweet 16, sitting at a soda fountain with two glasses of cold Dr. Pepper sparkling with lively carbonation with cooling shaved ice in the glass. While Betty might even propose to a right then a mayor.

[Peggy Pepper]

Well, whether it's for love and romance or just because you want a welcome, refreshing drink, Dr. Pepper is getting the call at soda fountains everywhere this season. So to all our friends, I'd like to say next time you're thirsty, next time you want to help swing your energy up, order a cold glass of Dr. Pepper. You'll like it.

[Jack Arthur]

Dr. Pepper's a great curtain raiser to more fun. Oh, Peggy.

[Peggy Pepper]

Yes, dad?

[Jack Arthur]

Isn't it about time for us to do a little double singing?

[Peter Van Steeden]

Yes, sure enough.

[Jack Arthur]

Well, then, let's go. You know where. To the Friendly Famine. Join in, Peter.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Music is playing Dances are swaying Laughing.

[Narrator / Singer]

Away each care down at the Friendly.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Tavern everyone's happy there all the lights are all twinkling Glasses are tinkling Romance.

[Narrator / Singer]

Is in the down at the Friendly.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Tavern Nothing else can compare that's where we'll find good cheer Meet the friends you hold so dear Round out the old bartender and sing a song together Time to get started Gay and light hearted no need to ask us where down at the Branley Tavern everyone's happy there so fill up your glasses with good old Dr. Pepper drinker down at the Friendly Tavern they'll always lie around Music is playing Dances are swaying Laughing away each care down at the Friendly Tavern everyone's happy there the lights roll Twinkling glasses a tinkling romance is in.

[January]

The.

[Peter Van Steeden]

The Friendly Tavern Nothing else can compare there's where fine would cheer Meet the friends we all so dear Round up your quartet and sing a song together Time to get started Gay and light hearted no need to ask us where Go down to the Friendly Tavern everyone's happy Birth.

[Private Molasses]

Any young. What, Boy, where you been all day? You almost missed taps tonight. Where was you, boy? I went out to the zoo.

[January]

All day long today?

[Private Molasses]

Yeah. What cage was you in? Number seven. I wasn't in no cage. While I was out there walking around, I was lying to all the animals out there. You was walking around lying to the animals? Yeah. I was telling lies from one cage to the other.

[Peter Van Steeden]

You what?

[Private Molasses]

Yeah, you know that great big old chimpan cheese out there called Louise? Yeah, I know Louise. She thinks I'm gonna marry her.

[Jack Arthur]

Don't forget, next week at the same time, the Dr. Pepper parade will be passing in front of your house again. Molasses in January, Peter Van Steeden and his orchestra, the Pepper Uppers, yours truly, Jack Arthur, and of course, pretty Peggy Pepper, who will again sing.

[Narrator / Singer]

Bringing Joy across the land.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Dr. Pepper.

[Narrator / Singer]

If you want to lead the band, drink it every day, energy picks up and you'll enjoy life more.

[Jack Arthur]

Remember, Dr. Pepper.

[January]

Time.

[Peter Van Steeden]

10 and 2 and 4.

[Peggy Pepper]

Good night all.

[Jack Arthur]

And don't think it hasn't been Charmin.

[Peter Van Steeden]

Sam.