Duffy's Tavern 1943-01-05 (072) Guest Milton Berle

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Duffy's Tavern 1943-01-05 (072)
Guest: Milton Berle
Release Date: April 24, 2025

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled Duffy's Tavern 1943-01-05 (072), listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. The familiar setting of Duffy's Tavern—a beloved hangout for soldiers, sailors, and marines—comes alive with the charismatic presence of Milton Berle, a renowned comedian and actor of the era. As the host, Harolds Old Time Radio, adeptly recreates the classic ambiance, this episode promises a blend of humor, witty dialogues, and memorable interactions that capture the essence of 1940s radio entertainment.

Setting the Scene

[00:36] The episode opens with a warm invitation from Duffy's Tavern to the United Nations' military personnel, setting the stage for an evening of camaraderie and laughter. Archie, the tavern manager, introduces the arrival of Milton Berle, playfully recalling their past encounters.

Notable Quote:
"Milton, you know who's coming down here tonight? Milton Berle, the star of the new Ziegfeld Follies."
— Archie [00:55]

Archie’s Aspirations and Ms. Duffy’s Ambitions

Archie reveals his New Year's resolution to be more benevolent, aspiring to help his fellow patrons. Concurrently, Ms. Duffy expresses her desire to join the prestigious Ziegfeld Follies, citing her past experiences and talents.

[04:14]
"Ms. Duffy, I didn't mean it. It was just part of my resolution to be nice to people."
— Archie [04:14]

[05:07]
"I was the head of the pageant. When I walked down the stage and said, 'I am Ms. G. The boys need me. Gee,' I was so good, the audience stood up and shouted, 'Send it to Africa.'"
— Ms. Duffy [05:07]

The Arrival of Milton Berle

Milton Berle makes his entrance amidst playful banter and humorous exchanges with Archie and Finnegan. His comedic timing and charismatic demeanor add a lively dynamic to the tavern atmosphere.

[09:24]
"Thank you, my good man. Thank you."
— Milton Berle [09:24]

Archie’s Scheme to Help Ms. Duffy

Driven by his resolution to help, Archie devises a plan to transform Ms. Duffy into a glamorous French singer, hoping her talents will secure her a spot in the Follies. This transformation process is filled with comedic twists and showcases the creative lengths Archie is willing to go.

[06:24]
"I'm helping Burl. He's a human being, too."
— Archie [06:24]

[06:50]
"You, Ms. Duffy, are going to be a glamorous French singer."
— Archie [06:50]

Comedic Interactions and Musical Performances

The episode thrives on the witty back-and-forth between characters, especially during musical performances. Ms. Duffy's impersonations and singing routines provide ample opportunities for humor and entertainment.

[14:15]
"Oh la la mo Cherry hinky dinky."
— Milton Berle [14:15]

[17:35]
"I was a soldier then a veteran, a husband and a father. And with my VA Home Loan, I'm a homeowner."
— Milton Berle [17:35]

Climactic Moments and Conclusion

As the evening progresses, tensions and humor escalate, leading to a dramatic yet comedic confrontation when Archie is unable to persuade Ms. Duffy to join the Follies. The episode culminates in Ms. Duffy's final impassioned performance and Milton Berle's humorous critique.

[24:20]
"My verdict? She's guilty."
— Milton Berle [24:20]

[25:26]
"Ho hum. Another day, another suicide."
— Milton Berle [25:26]

Notable Quotes

• Archie on Resolution:
  "I'm helping Burl. He's a human being, too."
  — Archie [06:24]

• Ms. Duffy on Her Performance:
  "Ah, mercy, mercy. Merseyns and senor."
  — Ms. Duffy [17:02]

• Milton Berle on Health:
  "Health is the most important thing in life."
  — Milton Berle [10:17]

• Archie’s Romantic Plea:
  "Fifi, tell me you love me. Tell me that you will become my wife and live in my 78 room mansion with 14 servants."
  — Archie [19:13]

Conclusion

This episode of Duffy's Tavern masterfully blends humor, character development, and musical entertainment, showcasing the talents of Milton Berle alongside the lovable characters of Archie and Ms. Duffy. The dynamic interactions and timeless comedic scenarios provide listeners with a nostalgic yet fresh listening experience, embodying the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio. Whether it's Archie's earnest attempts to help a friend or Ms. Duffy's spirited performances, the episode offers a delightful journey into the camaraderie and entertainment that defined classic radio shows.

For those who haven't had the pleasure of tuning in, this episode stands as a testament to the enduring charm and wit of old-time radio, making it a must-listen for enthusiasts and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Styles MacKenzie]

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[Archie]

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[Duffy]

The Special Service Division invites you soldiers, sailors and marines of the United nations to drop in at Duffy's Tavern.

[Archie]

Hello, Duffy's where the elite meet Archie, the manager speaking. Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello, Duffy. Duffy, you know who's coming down here tonight? Milton Boyle. Yeah, the star of the new Ziegfeld Follies. What has he got nice legs? No, Duffy. Duffy, please. You remember Milton, the kid that used to steal the joke books? Yeah. Then say that he made up the jokes himself. Yeah, that's the guy. Yeah, Milton. Duffy, with you everybody's a bum. Well, Duffy, why don't you be more like me? You know the New Year's resolution I made? What? Stop stealing from the cash register. No, Duffy. I resolved that I will help my fellow man, be he mineral, vegetable or even you, Duffy. Goodbye. What's that sign you're writing, Mr. Archer? Welcome Sign for Milton Borough. No, it's a resolution, Attie. One of them New Year's sayings. You know, sort of a perverb. Listen to it. There is a well known golden rule. Through the ages it's been through, always be good to your neighbor. He may live next door to you. That's good, huh? Yeah, it makes a lot of sense too. How about hanging up a sign for the waiter? Me? Like what, Eddie? Well, like this. The golden rule has a fine intent. But a 10 cent tip will pay the rent money. Eddie, don't you know that there's some things in life that money can't buy? You give me the money, I'll do the shopping.

[Finnegan]

Hello.

[Archie]

Oh, hello, Finnegan. Hey, Finnegan, you know who's coming down here tonight? Milton Foyle, the star of Ziegfeld Follies. Oh, boy, the jig filled Follies. What's her. Finnegan. That's a show, you know, with a lot of beautiful dames. Them chorus girls dressed up in nothing but. You know what I mean, Finnegan? And they call it the Follies. What foolish about that, Finnegan? They don't call it the Follies. Cause it's foolish. They call it the Follies because people laughed at Zigzag. You know, when he first put the thing on, like the first time they opened that fish market. They called it Fulton's Folly. I see. Donna, why don't they call it Sheepfield's Fish Market? Well, Finnegan, it is a very strange quirk of human nature that when a guy pays 440 for a seat, he'd rather see a dame than a fish.

[Ms. Duffy]

Hello, Archie.

[Archie]

Oh, Ms. Duffy. How are you? My, you look charming tonight.

[Ms. Duffy]

I do, don't I?

[Archie]

Ms. Duffy, I didn't mean it. It was just part of me resolution to be nice to people.

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, you don't have to apologize. I know I look attractive tonight. A woman always knows when she's more attractive than usual. How fellas whistle at around the street.

[Archie]

I see. Well, how come you're all duked out? Is there something special?

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, certainly. Ain't Milton Beryl coming here tonight?

[Archie]

Yeah.

[Ms. Duffy]

Well, ain't it possible he can get me in the Folly?

[Archie]

No, it ain't.

[Ms. Duffy]

Why not?

[Archie]

Because the Follies has got all the stage hands they need.

[Ms. Duffy]

I don't want to be a stage. I want to act. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to recite.

[Archie]

What's Burl going to do, sell cold drinks in the lobby? You were no Folly. That killed me.

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, yeah? What's so funny about it? Wasn't I the star of the 10 Jolly Girls at Military Review and War Bomb Pageant? Folly.

[Archie]

That sounds like the greatest military reverse of the year.

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, yeah? Well, it just so happens I was the head of the pageant. Why, when I walked down the stage and said, I am Ms. G. The boys need me. Gee, I was so good, the audience stood up and shouted, send it to Africa. So now, why couldn't Milton Braille.

[Archie]

Now, wait a minute, Ms. Duffy. The follies is different. It ain't. For a girl like you and the Follies, you kind of walk up and down on the stage in a bathing suit. You know, a thousand guys is leering at you, making unkempt remarks, giving you the once over making you feel uncomfortable.

[Ms. Duffy]

So what? I do it all summer for nothing at Coney Island. I feel very comfortable.

[Archie]

Please, Ms. Duffy, don't ask me to ask Burl about a thing like this. Huh?

[Ms. Duffy]

Well, Archie, what about that resolution of yours? Help your fellow human being.

[Archie]

That's right. I'm helping Burl. He's a human being, too. I think. Ms. Duffy, I've been thinking it over and I think I got it the way I can get your job in the Follies. How I will change you into a different woman. I'll turn you from night into day. I will be Frankenstein and you will be my monster.

[Ms. Duffy]

What are you going to do to me?

[Archie]

You, Ms. Duffy, are going to be a glamorous French singer.

[Ms. Duffy]

But I can't speak French.

[Archie]

So what? You can't sing? Need it. I will make you a glamorous star with boyfriends by the galore. We'll get Seymour and Finnegan to help us and you'll be. Wait a minute. Hey, bud. What are you snoping around for?

[Finnegan]

I'm Clark Dennis. I sing here.

[Archie]

So what? So who's stopping you? Ladies and gentlemen, Clark Dennis, a terrific singer. Good enough for you, bud?

[Finnegan]

Good enough.

[Archie]

Okay. Come here, Ms. Duffy. I want to talk to you a minute. Here's what I want you to do.

[Finnegan]

As long as you're not in love with somebody else why don't you fall in love with me? You're driving me crazy, baby trying to get. Will you tell me no or will you tell me me?

[Milton Berle]

Yes.

[Finnegan]

You got to go overboard for someone someday Believe it or not it's bound to be as long as you're not in love with anyone else why don't you fall in love with me? You got me crazy, baby trying to guess Will you tell me no or will you tell me yet? You gotta go overboard for someone someday Believe it or not it's bound to be as long as you're not in love with anyone else why don't you fall in love with me, baby? Why don't you fall in love with me?

[Archie]

You know, Dennis, if you was prettier, I might get you into the Follies, too. Announcing the arrival of Mr. Milton Berle of New York, Hollywood and Los Stadium. Thank you.

[Milton Berle]

Thank you, my good man. Thank you.

[Archie]

Thank you.

[Milton Berle]

Here. Here's something for your trouble.

[Archie]

For my trouble? This is a nickel. I got more trouble than that. Wait a minute. This is a lead nickel.

[Milton Berle]

Oh, how cheap of me. Here's a lead quarter.

[Archie]

Well, Milton, how are you? You're looking as fine as a fitzpatel. You look great.

[Milton Berle]

Oh, well, it's very, very easy these days, Archie, to fool people. A shave, a haircut. Say, Archie, you're looking pretty fit yourself.

[Archie]

Well, I lead a very healthy life, you know. Plenty of exercise. Get me daily dozen every day, 12 games of pool. Pool rooms.

[Milton Berle]

My good man, what do you do for fresh air?

[Archie]

I play with the window open.

[Milton Berle]

Archie, Archie, that is not enough. You know that health Is the most important thing in life. Now look at me. Strong, sturdy, full of vigor. Yes, sir. Alf, in Hollywood, I go horseback riding, play golf every day. Then to the mountains, skiing in a bathing suit, the icy wind circulating through my blood.

[Archie]

Milton, what are you coughing about?

[Milton Berle]

I came out without my rubbers. But, Archie, I've got great resistance. It'll go away in about four months.

[Archie]

Oh, that's too bad, Milton. I understand.

[Milton Berle]

Too bad, did you say so?

[Archie]

You know, Milton, it's a funny coincidence. I seen your last picture and I don't know, somehow or other I suddenly got a hunch you'd be back in New York sooner.

[Milton Berle]

My dear boy, do you know that the Shubits had a terrible time getting me to leave Hollywood? You didn't know that, did you? They sent me telegram after telegram, wire after wire, and I ignored them.

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[Clark Dennis]

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[Milton Berle]

Finally, they sent me a paid wire and I opened. Said, berl, come back to the legitimate theater. And I laughed. Then it said, we want you for our new musical. And I sneered. Then it said, we want you to star in the follies with 50 beautiful girls. So here I am.

[Archie]

50 beautiful names.

[Milton Berle]

Yes.

[Archie]

What are they paying you, Milton?

[Milton Berle]

Who cares?

[Archie]

Same old Milton. A pushover for feminine punkritude. By the way, Milton, I wonder if I could get a girl in the folly.

[Milton Berle]

Sure, Archie, I'll be glad to get you one. There's lots of them.

[Archie]

No, Milton, this is a dame I want you to put into the Follies.

[Ms. Duffy]

Into the Follies.

[Archie]

Oh, I see a beautiful French dame. You know, the biggest star in Paris. The toasted of Thames.

[Milton Berle]

Thames? Archie, if you're thinking of that river in Paris, the word is Thames.

[Archie]

That's the French pronunciation. Anyways, Milton.

[Milton Berle]

Yes.

[Archie]

When this dame sings them French love songs, you know, like Mademoiselle from Amentiers, it brings lumps to your eyes. But why should I stand here talking? I'll have you meet her. Monsieur. Monsieur.

[Ms. Duffy]

Yay.

[Archie]

Mr. Boyle, I want you to meet that glamorous French star, Monsieur Fifi. La dauphi.

[Milton Berle]

Oh la la mo Cherry hinky dinky.

[Archie]

Pali vous.

[Ms. Duffy]

Big play.

[Milton Berle]

Do I now? Say, wait a minute, Archie. I was down here two years ago and the girl punching the cash register looked an awful lot like Fifi here.

[Archie]

You did, huh? Yes. Probably a case of reincarnation.

[Milton Berle]

Fifi, haven't I seen you before?

[Ms. Duffy]

Possibly in France.

[Milton Berle]

What did you do in France?

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, I studied in disease zinging school.

[Milton Berle]

What? Zinging School?

[Ms. Duffy]

The pen. Jolly Girls ac.

[Archie]

Ac yeah, that's French Academy.

[Milton Berle]

Now tell me, tell me, my little classy. What could you do in the Ziegfeld Folly?

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, I zing.

[Milton Berle]

You zing?

[Ms. Duffy]

Yes, I zing. I dance, I reside.

[Archie]

What, no trained zeal? Now, Milton, wait till you hear this dame sing. You'll see why she aroused the rage of Paris, Milton. She's got millions of guys chasing her, offering her a king's transom. Jules. A diamond tarara.

[Milton Berle]

A what?

[Archie]

A terrera.

[Milton Berle]

What about a boom die.

[Archie]

That took Nothing is so good for this dame. Now, Milton, the piece de resistance you are about to hear. The greatest living French entertainer of her nationality, dead or alive.

[Milton Berle]

Can I take my choice, Milton, Listen to her first.

[Archie]

Mr. Van Steden. Drum roll, please. Thank. Ladies and gendarmes, we now introduce the darling of Mose Mot, the wickedest woman in Paris, Monsieur Fifi La Duffy. Proceed ahead, Pete. Tight one.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, mercy, mercy. Merseyns and senor. And to you, dear Mr. Boyle, I throw the kiss.

[Milton Berle]

Lucky for me, I can't catch.

[Ms. Duffy]

First, I will act for you a scene from one of my biggest L'amour Toujour Odour, Odour. When the scene opens, I, Marie Bully Bass. I'm talking to my sweetheart Pierre.

[Milton Berle]

I was a soldier then a veteran, a husband and a father. And with my VA Home Loan, I'm a homeowner. No down payment required and no PMI. Build your future with the VA Home Loan. Get what you earned. Visit choose.va.gov not all veterans are eligible for the hyper amount of benefits mentioned here.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, Pierre. Pierre. I Love you. I love you so much I hate you. And other times I hate you so much. I love you. I love you. You fool. Don't touch me. Go away. I adore you. Come back. No. I despise you, you fool. I despise you and love you and despise you. Keep me.

[Milton Berle]

This sounds like the foreign version of Tobacco Road.

[Ms. Duffy]

Pierre, why do you spurn me? Why are you so cold? Can it be that somewhere you have another woman waiting for you?

[Milton Berle]

Well, if he hasn't, he's nuts.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, Pierre, you have another woman. But I will have revenge from this. You will not escape from this.

[Milton Berle]

You will die from this. We can all die. You know that. Now look, Archie, I've heard enough. Will you tell her? What is this now?

[Archie]

Wonderful to see you again. You remember me, Jack Seymour?

[Ms. Duffy]

Yes, we.

[Milton Berle]

Who is this walking mattress here?

[Archie]

He's just another one of Fifi's countless admirers.

[Milton Berle]

Oh, I see.

[Archie]

Ah, Fifi, tell me you love me. Tell me that you will become my wife and live in my 78 room mansion with 14 servants.

[Ms. Duffy]

What? Fifi la du fille in 78 rooms? You want me to live in a shack, Jacques?

[Archie]

Shack Jacques.

[Milton Berle]

I'll be back.

[Archie]

Whack. Wait a minute, Fifi. If you do not love me, life has no meaning for me. Farewell, pipilotupi. I kill myself.

[Ms. Duffy]

Woo hum. Another day, another suicide.

[Archie]

She's certainly a killer, ain't she, Milton?

[Milton Berle]

Yeah, yeah.

[Archie]

Eddie, remove that plump cadaver. Okay, Ms. Archie, let's go. Corpse.

[Milton Berle]

Now listen, Archie, I've heard enough. Besides, I've really got to run along now.

[Archie]

Well, now wait a minute. I have to leave. But give the dame a chance. You can't judge a book just by reading it. Wait till you hear her next speciality. Go ahead, Mansoor.

[Ms. Duffy]

Thank you. I would like to present now a few impersonations.

[Archie]

You'll love this, Milton. This is where she rises to her depths of greatness.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, thank you. For my first impersonation, I give you the great French actor, my oh so dear friend, Charlie Boyer.

[Milton Berle]

Whatever happened to Ben Turpin?

[Ms. Duffy]

In this impersonation, Charlie is talking to Hedy Lamar in Algiers. You are beautiful, Hedy. I love you, Hedy. We will elope. Hedy at midnight. Hedy be ready, Hedy.

[Duffy]

Heady.

[Milton Berle]

I should have stood in bedding. Fine. Who is this character?

[Archie]

Here I am another one of Monsieur Duffy. Slave.

[Milton Berle]

This name must have an X card on levers.

[Archie]

Bonjour, Fifi. Do you remember me, Monsieur Fini Lagan.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, Finnegan.

[Archie]

Cherry. I have for You a gift.

[Ms. Duffy]

A gift to the law. Give me the gift.

[Archie]

Look at that, Milton. A diamond and emerald studded whistling tea kettle.

[Ms. Duffy]

A tea kettle take you to wear. Finnegan, I do not like tea.

[Archie]

Marry me. And I fill it with coffee.

[Ms. Duffy]

Marry you? Never.

[Archie]

Never. Then I kill myself.

[Ms. Duffy]

Another day. Another day is that.

[Milton Berle]

Listen, what's par for this course.

[Archie]

Milton? This goes on all the time. Guys kill themselves like that. This name's a second Bluebeard.

[Milton Berle]

What was that? What happened?

[Archie]

Another guy outside. He didn't even bother to come in. Now, where was we?

[Ms. Duffy]

Ann, My song.

[Milton Berle]

Yeah, her Zong Hazong. Now it goes from murder to massacre.

[Ms. Duffy]

The title of the song is Palais Moi de Moo.

[Milton Berle]

Palais Moi du Moo. That will build you up from obscurity to oblivion.

[Ms. Duffy]

The words I am longing to hear. Repeat them again. I see all.

[Archie]

You ever hear anything like it, Milton?

[Milton Berle]

No, not since my sister backed into a hot stew.

[Ms. Duffy]

Before the moon and whisper these words to me.

[Archie]

Great, ain't it? Yes.

[Milton Berle]

He sounds like an all clear signal.

[Archie]

There you are, Milton. What is your verdict?

[Milton Berle]

My verdict? She's guilty.

[Archie]

Should never have made them resolutions. Excuse me. Milton, will you? Ms. Duffy. Milton. Just heard you sing.

[Ms. Duffy]

Yay.

[Archie]

Yes. There's only one way for you to get into the Follies.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ow.

[Archie]

Ow. You gotta point up to the guy. Give him a kiss.

[Milton Berle]

Ow.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, Mr. Boyle. Ooh la la. Oh, you are so beautiful. So handsome. In France we have the old Franche saying, faces like yours are fashioned by the angels.

[Milton Berle]

Faces, but not the nose. The nose was made to order.

[Ms. Duffy]

Ah, Milton, do not joke with me. I love you. I will love you always. Never will I leave your side. Never will I stop kissing you. Never, Never.

[Archie]

Milton. Holy cat.

[Milton Berle]

Ho hum. Another day, another suicide.

[Duffy]

Now, before we leave Duffy's Tavern, leave us, put a couple of nickels in Duffy's jukebox. Duffy's jukebox. Where the feet meet the beat. The platter's spinning, the needle's in the groove. And here's the first number coming up. Duffy's Tavern was rebroadcast especially for you men and women in the armed forces of the United nations by the Special Service Division of the War Department of the United States of America.

[Archie]

Sa.