
Duffy's Tavern 1943-11-09 (103) Guest Lucille Ball
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Narrator
The Special Service Division invites you soldiers, sailors and marines of the United nations to drop in at Duffy's Tavern.
Archie
Hello, Duffy's where the elite meet thee. To Archie the manager speak and Duffy ain't here. Oh, well, Duffy tonight Lucille Ball from Hollywood. Hmm, the tomato with the carrot hair. Yeah, very nourishing. Oh, you'd like a dish like that, huh? But you also like fronds and brunettes too. Where do you draw the line? Oh, you don't like bald headed names? Yeah. Well Duffy, I can't talk now. I gotta get ready for good old Lucille. Oh sure, her and I used to be nips in the Birds together. Certainly she's from Brooklyn, huh? No, when she was a kid her parents migrained out of there. Yeah, yeah, to escape persecution. Her father was a Yankee fan. Yeah. Duffy. Yeah, this is gonna be old home week. Okay, I'll call you back. Goodbye.
Eddie
Mr. Archer. Yeah, Eddie, that movie actress Ms. Ball just called.
Archie
Oh yeah, good old Lucille. My dear friend and childish sweetheart.
Eddie
Yeah, your dear friend and childish sweetheart just called and wants to know who's Archie.
Archie
She was kidding, Eddie. Why? She and me was tomboys together. Gee, she was a pretty girl.
Eddie
Yeah, she was a pretty girl. She was madly in love with you. She would die for you and she wanted to marry you.
Archie
You're psychopathic, Eddie. How did you know?
Eddie
That's easy. I just started the truth and stayed as far away from it as I could.
Archie
Listen, Eddie, yesterday that might have been funny. But yesterday I was a nobody. Today who knows, maybe I will be. An old friend of mine is going to have me listed in that book of famous men. Who's that?
Eddie
You don't mean whom's who, Eddie.
Archie
Whom's who? You mean who's whom? When you split an infinitive you must first modify the participle. No, Eddie, this is a similar anthropology. It's called who's that? Read this letter, Eddie. Read the name of the publisher.
Eddie
Human and shyster. Dear boyhood friend Archie. How are you, Arch, old pal? I am doing very well, as you can see by feeling this very extensive stationery. I just remember that you are an old friend and consequently I am in a position to have your name listed in our book. Who's that? Since you are an old friend, this will cost you nothing. Always glad to help an old friend. Sign your old friend, J. Wentworth Ashley, formerly Joe Clinker.
Archie
Yep, good old Sninker Clinker. Haven't seen him in years. That was his nickname, Sninker.
Eddie
Why did you call him that?
Archie
And besides none of us could stand him. So you see, Eddie, with me name coming out. And who's that? Lucille Boerworth, in no position to snub her toes at me. I'm a somebody, too.
Finnegan
Good evening, Orange.
Archie
Good evening, Finnegan.
Finnegan
How do I look tonight? Pretty.
Archie
No uglier than usual. Why?
Finnegan
Well, don't you know? I shot. I shaved off my mustache.
Archie
Finnegan, you never had no mustache.
Johnny
No.
Finnegan
I wonder how I shaved this morning.
Archie
Let me look at the back of your head. Hmm. I thought so. I think you better shave it back on again. Penny, look, why are you so worried about your looks tonight? Outside of what's obvious?
Finnegan
Well, Lucille Ball's coming down here, ain't you?
Archie
Don't. What?
Finnegan
There aren't. I got naughty thoughts.
Archie
What do you mean?
Finnegan
Well, I figured maybe if I play my card right, she'll give me a free pass to the movies.
Archie
Finnegan, that's a very naughty thought.
Finnegan
Yeah, I know. What? Sometimes I don't know what comes over me.
Archie
The hair.
Eddie
I just.
Finnegan
Lucille Ball. The red hair of hers. Is that real?
Archie
Certainly it's real. Been that way for more than a year. Natural hair, but probably hereditary.
Finnegan
I don't believe in hereditary.
Archie
Why not?
Finnegan
Well, look at my mother. Red hair. Look at my father. Red hair. Look at me. No hair.
Archie
Yeah, Interesting. For my mama.
Eddie
Mr. Archie, gentleman is here to see you.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Well, well, well, if it isn't my old pal, my old friend Archie.
Archie
Wait a minute. You're not.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Yep. J. Wentworth.
Archie
Ashley. Think O. Clinker. Excuse me? I mean Snake or Ashley.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Oh, no, you can't say that anymore, Arch. It doesn't rhyme with Ashley like it did with Clinker.
Archie
Never knew it did rhyme. Well, how are you? How are you doing?
J. Wentworth Ashley
Oh, never mind about me. How are you doing, Arch?
Archie
Well, I can't say that I'm in French as Croesus, but I've saved up a pretty penny or two. Good.
J. Wentworth Ashley
I'm glad I'm not wasting my. I mean, I'm glad you're not wasting your life. Well, Arch, always glad to see an old friend. Now, let's get down to business.
Eddie
Here come the Gold ring.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Archie Schumann and Shyster have sent me here to say that they would be honored to list you, the author of Duffy's first reader. In the 1944 edition of. Who's that?
Archie
You mean I'm gonna be immoralized? Gee, that's an honor. Huh?
J. Wentworth Ashley
An honor. Well, just look at some of the names you would be listed with. John Charles Roberts, H.B. kostellanes, Cecil B. De Gaulle and Mendel Wilkie.
Archie
Boy, what names. And my name will be there too, huh, Mr. Ashley? Yeah.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Yes, sir, Archie. And let's go over to the table and fill out this questionnaire.
Archie
Now, Eddie, don't let nobody bother me. I gotta fill out this questionnaire for Schumann and Shyster. Let's see. And our name, Archie. Address? 113 and a quarter, East 13th Street. You better put down your zone number. Zone. Oh, yeah. Upstairs in the back. Boy, Eddie, getting in this book is some honor, huh?
Eddie
Ms. Archie, do you send in an application to get on these sucker lists or do they just pick your name at random?
Archie
What do you mean? The guy didn't ask me for no dough, did he? If the day is still young, Eddie, please don't be so skeptical.
Miss Duffy
Archie, have you got another actress coming down here tonight?
Archie
Yeah, Miss Duffy. Lucille Ball. And what's wrong with actresses?
Miss Duffy
Nothing. But why do they always have to be girls?
Archie
They got a strict rule in Hollywood that all actresses have to be girls. Listen, why was you so late tonight? Where was you?
Miss Duffy
Down at the Ten Jolly Girls. They see in Athletic Club canteen.
Archie
Them ten ugly dames got a canteen now. Well, what do you do for the guys?
Miss Duffy
Well, first we give the soldier a cup of coffee. And then we ask if he has a sweetheart back home.
Archie
And if he has a sweetheart, we.
Miss Duffy
Just keep asking till we find one that hasn't.
Archie
Well, suppose you don't find one that hasn't.
Miss Duffy
Then we close for the night. But usually find at least one.
Archie
What a man drop.
Miss Duffy
Don't worry, Archie. We have very strict rules. No jolly girl is allowed to kiss a fellow unless he's been overseas. Gee, you should have seen the handsome soldier Vera Fogarty kiss tonight.
Archie
Whereabouts overseas had he been?
Johnny
Oklahoma.
Archie
That ain't overseas.
Miss Duffy
You gotta cross the Mississippi to get there. And the ocean flows into the Mississippi, doesn't it?
Archie
No. The Mississippi flows into the ocean.
Miss Duffy
Too late. Vera's already kissed him.
Archie
I'm surprised you don't just put a pan of salt water in a joint and hop across it. The ocean flows into the Mississippi. Duffy, could I come down to your canteen some night?
Miss Duffy
Oh, of course, Mr. Johnston. You can come down and sing for us.
Singer
I'd be glad to.
Archie
What time do the doors close?
Miss Duffy
Well, the doors are locked at 12 o' clock.
Archie
Yeah, the doors are locked at 12 o' clock. But you're a strong looking guy, Johnny. You can fight your way out. Listen, pay no attention to it. Go ahead and sing something. Sing that paper doll, huh?
Singer
I'm gonna buy A paper doll that I can call my own A doll that other fellas couldn't steal and then the flirty, flirty guys with their flirty, flirty eyes Will have to flirt with dollies that are real When I come home at night she will be waiting she'll be the truest doll in all the world I'd rather have a paper doll to call my home Than have a fickle minded real life girl I'm gonna buy a paper doll that I can call my own A doll that other fellows would steal and then the flirty, flirty guys with the flirty, flirty eyes Will have to flirt with dollies that are real When I come home at night she will be waiting she'll be the truest dolly in the world I'd rather have a doll that I can call my own Than have a fickle minded real.
Archie
Listen now, Eddie, I gotta finish this questionnaire now. Leave a C here. Education. Why don't I put there?
Eddie
Tell him the truth. Leave it blank.
Archie
All right, Eddie, let's see now. Education. For three years I attended at the varsity at UCLA at Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Eddie
Ucla? That ain't in Michigan.
Archie
Oh, huh. Okay, I'll change it then. University of Montana. I know that's in Michigan. Let's see. University of Mon.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Fun.
Archie
Eddie, I went there and I can't spell it. Well, make it UCLA that you can spell. Yeah, I particulated from ucla where I graduated non campus Memphis. I got it down. What does it mean, Eddie? That means with high honors.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Oh, naturally.
Archie
PhD. Now, let's see. Postgraduate work.
Eddie
What does that mean?
Archie
That means PG Correspondence course.
Eddie
Oh, what in that one you took on muscle building.
Archie
Nah, I can't. Never got no diploma.
Eddie
Never got no muscles neither.
Archie
Wait a minute, Eddie. Here comes Lucille Ball now. Here you better be this.
Johnny
Why?
Archie
Well, she probably wanted me alone. This is a sentimental moment. Well, Lucille bore. Well, Lucille, you haven't changed a bit. It certainly touches me hard to see you again.
Johnny
Who are you?
Archie
Sure was a sentimental moment. Who am I? Lucille? I think of some of the nicknames of guys you used to know when you was a kid.
Johnny
Well, let's see. There was one that we called Shorty the Jerk. That wasn't you.
Archie
No, no, I was a tall guy.
Johnny
Then there was another one we called Handsome.
Archie
No. Ah, come on. Thanks.
Johnny
Wait, you're not Sammy the Sissy.
Archie
Parish forbid. Look, Lucille, maybe I can refreshen up your memory. Remember how the gang used to get under the fire hydrant? Remember? Get under the fire hydrant, whole gang On a hot day. And you were such a snob. You always insisted on wearing the bathing suit.
Johnny
Fire hydrant.
Archie
Yeah, look, you remember Lefty's Metropolitan Museum? A pool where all the bums used to hang out.
Johnny
Oh, now I remember you.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Oh, yeah, Archie.
Archie
Yeah. If I told you my nickname, you would have remembered me in a second.
Johnny
What was it?
Archie
I don't want to say it.
Musical Guest
Go ahead, what was it?
Johnny
What was it?
Archie
The she.
Johnny
Parish forbid?
Musical Guest
No.
Johnny
You're Archie, huh?
Archie
Yeah. And this is Ms. Duffy. You remember her. The little homely kid that everybody said she'd grow out of it and she didn't.
Johnny
Oh, yes, I remember. The one who used to chase all the little boys, trip em, sit on em and kiss em.
Miss Duffy
Likewise. I'm curious.
Johnny
How are you, Ms. Duffy? You look very, very lovely.
Archie
Very well. No wonder the dame didn't recognize me. She's blind.
Miss Duffy
You know, Ms. Boyle, it's surprising. You've been in Hollywood for years and yet you still got a Brooklyn accent in your verse.
Johnny
You're a nerd, if you'll pardon my character word.
Miss Duffy
Oh, think nothing to it. So here you are, a Hollywood star.
Archie
Well, what's wrong with that?
Miss Duffy
Well, it's all a matter of what a girl wants. Hollywood, it's movie star.
Johnny
Brooklyn Navy Yard, you remember.
Miss Duffy
But what I mean is, movies is all right if one wants to make a silly career of kissing a different fella every day. One day Claude Gable kissing you, and then the next day Tyrone Power, and then the next day Robert Taylor. Anyways, where could Papa get another cashier?
Archie
Look, my puppy, please. Papa desires the monthly inventory. Go count the pickled pig's feet, please. Well, Lucille. Oh, by the way, you don't mind me calling you Lucille?
Johnny
Not at all.
Archie
Cheek. Well, Miss Ball, you. You haven't mentioned how you like the place here.
Johnny
Oh, yes, I have. Under my breasts.
Archie
Well, let's hear it. We like ladies comments.
Johnny
This isn't a ladies comment.
Archie
Well, anyways, it's lovely to see you again. You don't know what it's been like, you know. You in Hollywood, me in New York. Over 300 miles apart as the crow flies. How else would I go? Yeah, I was afraid with all that horrible experience betwixt us that our twins would never meet.
Johnny
How tweddy.
Archie
Yes, twaddle. What was. What was I saying again?
Johnny
You were saying something about you being a nobody.
Archie
Was I?
Johnny
Well, I assumed it.
Archie
Well, that's where you were wrong. I am no longer a nobody. Since I wrote this book, this Duffy's first reader, you Remember, I always had a talent for writing. Writing?
Johnny
Yes, I remember those fences in Brooklyn.
Archie
Not only fences, I used to write on. Well, mostly it was fences. Anyways, suddenly I write this book and lo. And get whole. Overnight I wake up and who's that?
Johnny
What's that?
Archie
Who's that?
Johnny
Who's on first?
Archie
Lucille, who's that is sort of a who's who of what's what in the world.
Johnny
Well, now, that makes it really hard.
Archie
Makes it really hard? What do you mean?
Johnny
Well, now, if you and I take up where we left off, Archie, all the columnists will say, what's their name? Sell for whose? Because he's in.
Miss Duffy
Who's that?
Singer
Silly girl.
Archie
Don't worry about it. What do you care what idle gossip mongers. And don't forget the old pervert. Any publicity is good publicity as long as they don't mention your name. Ah, Lucille, you look lovely standing there with that red hair of yours lighted up by this off the flow from the pinball machine. You know something about that hair of yours. What about it? Well, I believe in traffic rules, but that red don't make me want to style.
Johnny
I believe in traffic rules too, but that complexion of yours.
Archie
What about it?
Johnny
That green makes me want to go.
Archie
Great sense of humor, Lucille, you know. Well, I'm filling out a questionnaire here and there's a question that says type of woman preferred. What do you think I'm gonna put down?
Johnny
Female?
Archie
Well, yeah, but with a little coaxin, I could change it from female to red headed female. And where it says name, I could easily change it from Archie to Archie Ball.
Johnny
Are you sure you're not Shorty the.
Archie
Jerk cut the kid? Ah, this is wonderful, Lucille. You and me working on this questionnaire together. You know, sort of intimate. Like sending out our laundry in the same bag. Hey, that's an idea. Sending out our laundry together. You think there's any chance, Lucille?
Johnny
About as much chance as there is of getting it back.
Archie
Am I to take it that you spurned to be known as the future misses Archie Crazy, ain't I? H?
J. Wentworth Ashley
Well, Archie, have you finished the questionnaire yet?
Archie
Oh, oh, yeah. By the way, Ms. Ball, this is Mr. Ashley. Mr. Ashley. Ms. Ball. Mr. Ashley, may I present.
J. Wentworth Ashley
How do you do? I understand this is a sort of a reunion.
Archie
Biggest laugh we got tonight. This is old home week, you know. Stinker here is from the old neighborhood.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Please, Auntie. Ms. Ball, Stinker is just a boyhood nickname. You know, children sometimes have cruel tongues, but good noses. Thank you. I think.
Archie
You can Talk plainer than that.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Now, Archie, I'd like your opinion of one more thing. What kind of leather do you think.
Archie
The book should be bound in?
J. Wentworth Ashley
What? All books are bound.
Archie
Oh, I must remember that. That's a good thing for a writer to know. What kind of boundings have you got?
J. Wentworth Ashley
Well, Morocco, pigskin, pinseel, calfskin, suede.
Archie
Well, suede is nice, but hate to think of them killing all them little suedes just to cover.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Well, Archie, I'll be running along now. Oh, Ms. Ball, before I leave, could I have your autograph? And, Archie, I would like to have.
Archie
You sign here, too.
Johnny
Okay.
J. Wentworth Ashley
Thank you both. And, Archie, old friend, next time I come to see you, I hope I'll be bringing you news that you've been awarded the Nobel Prize.
Archie
Well, I'll be just satisfied with a Butzela Prize. Well, so long. Thank you. So long, Arch.
J. Wentworth Ashley
And here's your receipt.
Archie
Thanks, Zach. You know, Lucille is nothing like old friends. Hey, what did he mean by a receipt? Wait a minute. What is this thing?
Johnny
Let me see. I undersigned, agreed to purchase 10 volumes of.
Archie
How do you like that? What an Ashley that stinker turned out to be.
Johnny
Wait a minute. I signed one of those things, too.
Archie
How do you like that? An old friend from Brooklyn.
Johnny
Yeah, and he sold us the bridge.
Narrator
Now, before we leave Duffy's Tavern, leave us. Put a couple of nickels in Duffy's jukebox. Duffy's Jukebox. Where the feet meet the beat. Well, the platter's spinning, the needle's in the groove. And here's the first number coming up.
Musical Guest
It's. What are you going to sing? I'm going to sing a little swing. Why am I cr. I'm going to CR a little, too. All right. Grab you and grab your head Leave your worry oh, no. Your doorstep Just direct your feet on the sunny side of the tree and you'll hear the bitter pan and that happy is your step Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street I used to walk in a shed with those loose I'm walking in silver. If I never ever sin I'll be rich as Rockefeller with gold dust at my feet on the sunny side of the tree I. You two walk in the skin with those who go forever if I don't ever sin I'll be rich as Rockwood Life will be so.
Archie
On.
Musical Guest
The.
Narrator
Duffy's Tavern was rebroadcast especially to you men and women in the armed forces of the United nations by the Special Service Division of the War Department of the United States of America.
Duffy's Tavern 1943-11-09 (103) Featuring Guest Lucille Ball
Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio
Release Date: June 30, 2025
Overview
In this episode of Duffy's Tavern, listener immersion into the camaraderie and humor of the Golden Age of Radio brings back the charm of pre-television entertainment. Set in the beloved local tavern, the episode features the central character, Archie, the manager, navigating unexpected fame, humorous interactions with old acquaintances, and a delightful guest appearance by the iconic Lucille Ball. Through witty dialogues and engaging scenarios, the episode encapsulates the spirit of camaraderie and lightheartedness characteristic of the era.
Archie’s Concern with Potential Fame
The episode opens with Archie grappling with a sudden spotlight on his persona. A letter from J. Wentworth Ashley introduces the prospect of being featured in the prestigious publication, “Who's That?” This development intrigues and overwhelms Archie, highlighting his uncertainties about newfound recognition.
The playful banter between Archie and Eddie underscores Archie’s apprehension and distrust toward the mysterious publisher, setting the stage for ensuing comedic developments.
Arrival of J. Wentworth Ashley and the “Who’s That?” Proposition
J. Wentworth Ashley arrives, reintroducing himself as a childhood friend with dubious intentions. He presents Archie with an opportunity to be listed among esteemed figures in “Who’s That?”, pitching it as an honor. Archie's skepticism and humorous responses to Ashley’s propositions add depth to the narrative.
These exchanges highlight the recurring theme of trust and skepticism, as Archie navigates the fine line between opportunity and exploitation.
Miss Duffy’s Concerns and Lucille Ball’s Arrival
Miss Duffy enters the scene, expressing concerns about the all-female presence and the challenges of managing interactions with the patrons. Amidst this, Lucille Ball makes her entrance, prompting a mix of nostalgia and playful tension among the characters.
The introduction of Lucille Ball injects star power into the episode, setting the stage for humorous and heartfelt interactions.
Interaction with Lucille Ball and Past Memories
Archie and Lucille engage in a series of flashbacks and humorous acknowledgments of their shared past. The dialogue teems with inside jokes, misunderstandings, and affectionate ribbing, painting a vivid picture of their longstanding friendship.
These interactions not only provide comedic relief but also deepen the listener’s connection to the characters, showcasing their history and camaraderie.
Filling out the Questionnaire and Ashley’s Intentions
As Archie attempts to complete the questionnaire for “Who’s That?”, his incompetence and humorous corrections add to the episode’s comedic tension. Ashley’s persistent push to secure Archie’s inclusion reveals his ulterior motives, hinting at a possible scam.
Archie’s fumbling through the form, coupled with Eddie’s corrections, underscores the theme of deception and the pitfalls of sudden fame.
Finalization and Twist with Ashley's Receipt
The episode takes an unexpected turn when Archie realizes he has unknowingly signed a contract with J. Wentworth Ashley, revealing the intended swindle. The revelation is met with both frustration and humor, culminating in Archie’s realization of being double-crossed by an old friend.
This twist serves as a climax, blending betrayal with comedic irony, and wraps up the subplot involving Ashley’s dubious intentions.
Musical Performance and Closing
The episode concludes with a lively musical performance of “Sunny Side of the Street,” performed by a guest singer. This finale not only provides a cheerful endnote but also reinforces the episode’s nostalgic homage to the era’s musical stylings.
The uplifting melody and lyrics encapsulate the enduring spirit of Duffy’s Tavern, leaving listeners with a sense of warmth and merriment.
Notable Quotes
These quotes reflect the episode’s blend of humor, skepticism, and the quirky dynamics between characters.
Conclusion
This episode of Duffy's Tavern masterfully interweaves humor, nostalgia, and the timeless theme of friendship against the backdrop of unexpected fame and old acquaintances. Through sharp dialogues, memorable characters, and a guest appearance by Lucille Ball, the episode captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio. Listeners are treated to a delightful narrative that balances comedic scenarios with heartfelt moments, making it a quintessential representation of classic radio entertainment.