Duffy's Tavern 1944-03-07 (120) Guest Colonel Stoopnagle

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duffy's Tavern 1944-03-07 (120) Guest Colonel Stoopnagle

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Duffy's Tavern 1944-03-07 (120) Guest Colonel Stoopnagle
• Release Date: July 13, 2025
• Description: Relive the Golden Age of Radio with classic shows that families once gathered around to enjoy. This episode features the beloved "Duffy's Tavern," showcasing iconic characters and the comedic antics that made radio a household staple.

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Introduction

"Duffy's Tavern" is a beloved radio show from the Golden Age of Radio, capturing the essence of a bygone era where families would gather around the radio to enjoy comedic and entertaining performances. In this episode, broadcasted on March 7, 1944, and released many years later on July 13, 2025, listeners are treated to the humorous interactions within Duffy's Tavern, featuring a special guest, Colonel Lemuel Q. Stoopnagle.

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with a typical bustling evening at Duffy's Tavern, with Archie (played by Ed Gardner) managing the establishment alongside regular characters like Finnegan and Eddie the waiter. The tavern is depicted as a lively hub where the townspeople gather, share laughs, and engage in witty banter.

Notable Quote:

• Danny Seymour (Announcer) [00:36]: "Archie, the manager's fake and Duffy ain't here."

The Tax Conundrum

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Archie's struggle with filing his income taxes. As he grapples with the complexities of the tax forms, his confusion provides ample comedic material. Archie attempts to calculate his annual salary based on a weekly annuity, resulting in humorous miscalculations.

Notable Quotes:

• Archie [02:45]: "I gotta figure these taxes. Now, my yearly salary, that's annuities. That's $15 a week."
• Archie [04:18]: "At PS4, I was the mathematical genius of the school."
• Archie [05:46]: "And there's four weeks in a month, right? Right. Well, you multiply four by 12 and you get... You're right. It is 52."

The dialogues highlight Archie's humorous incompetence with numbers, setting the stage for the introduction of Colonel Stoopnagle.

Guest Appearance: Colonel Lemuel Q. Stoopnagle

The introduction of Colonel Stoopnagle adds a new dynamic to the tavern's environment. Described humorously as a "wealthy eccentric with no dough," the Colonel brings with him a flair of invention and misplaced confidence.

Notable Quotes:

• Archie [15:27]: "Colonel Stoopnagle. I said they can use the phone as a phone, Colonel."
• Colonel Stoopnagle [16:26]: "As a child I was very cruel to animals. And one day I deliberately kicked a horse in the foot with my head."

Innovations and Inventions

Colonel Stoopnagle showcases his latest invention, the Tactual Q Reducer Nagel, promising to reduce income taxes by 80%. Archie, ever skeptical, questions the efficacy of such a device, leading to a series of comedic exchanges.

Notable Quotes:

• Colonel Stoopnagle [17:12]: "It's an overhead threshold so that if you marry a heavy woman, you can carry her under it."
• Colonel Stoopnagle [18:42]: "The greatest little machine I ever invented. Cut your taxes 80%."
• Archie [19:03]: "You doubt me? Let me read you some testimonials."

Despite the Colonel's confidence, the invention initially malfunctions, displaying absurd tax calculations that leave Archie bewildered.

Humorous Interactions and Misadventures

The interaction between Archie, Colonel Stoopnagle, and the regular patrons brings forth classic comedic elements. Archie's frustration with his taxes, combined with the Colonel's misguided inventions, creates a tapestry of humor that is both engaging and reflective of the era's comedic sensibilities.

Notable Quotes:

• Archie [09:00]: "Put you in the upper brackets. Excuse me."
• Archie [18:35]: "If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it."

The episode also touches upon Duffy's personal life, particularly his strained relationship with his wife over the inability to purchase a mink coat, adding a layer of relatable humor centered around marital discord.

Resolution and Happy Ending

As the episode progresses, the magical realism of radio comedy comes into play. Colonel Stoopnagle's machine, despite its initial failure, somehow manages to resolve the tax issue, allowing Duffy to purchase a mink coat for his wife. This act of generosity and the subsequent reconciliation bring the episode to a heartwarming close.

Notable Quotes:

• Archie [26:16]: "But Colonel, please. Duffy was buying a mink on a strength at $150."
• Colonel Stoopnagle [26:24]: "Yes, it's to help poor people to get into the higher income tax bracket."

In the final moments, Duffy's wife returns, appreciative of the mink coat, and the characters celebrate the successful resolution of their woes, encapsulating the wholesome and uplifting spirit of the show.

Humor and Character Dynamics

Throughout the episode, the interplay between characters like Archie, Finnegan, Eddie, and Colonel Stoopnagle underscores the timeless appeal of character-driven humor. Archie's bumbling attempts to manage the tavern and his personal finances juxtapose the Colonel's eccentric brilliance, creating a comedic balance that keeps listeners engaged.

Notable Quotes:

• Archie [07:06]: "You cheated, huh? How?"
• Colonel Stoopnagle [17:39]: "Were you ever Awake by James Joyce?"
• Archie [17:58]: "Colonel, I would rather have a head like yours coming up to a point."

These interactions not only provide laughs but also deepen the listener's connection to the characters, making their triumphs and tribulations all the more satisfying.

Conclusion

"Duffy's Tavern" episode featuring Colonel Stoopnagle is a quintessential example of Golden Age Radio comedy. Through witty dialogue, memorable characters, and a blend of situational and character-driven humor, the episode delivers an entertaining narrative that resonates with audiences even decades later. The seamless integration of humor with relatable everyday struggles, such as tax woes and marital tensions, underscores the show's enduring charm.

The episode concludes on a high note, reaffirming the themes of friendship, ingenuity, and the importance of community support—all hallmarks of the beloved "Duffy's Tavern." For listeners new and old, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into the humorous storytelling that made radio the centerpiece of family entertainment in its heyday.

Notable Closing Quote:

• Archie [27:39]: "Duffy's Tavern, where you'll eat meat to eat. Archie the man. Just bacon. Duffy ain't."

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Danny Seymour]

In cooperation with the Armed Forces Radio Service, the following broadcast is one of the radio programs selected to be shortwave to our armed forces overseas. Bristol Myers, the makers of Sal Hepatic, a famous laxative and minute rub, modern chest rub. Bring you Duffy's Tavern.

[Archie]

Hello, Duffy Stavin. Where the elite meet the D. Archie, the manager's fake and Duffy ain't here. Hello, Duffy. Tonight, Colonel Stoopnagle. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Duffy. No. He's lost weight. I would describe him more as a big, thin slob. Huh, Crazy? He ain't really crazy. I describe him more as a wealthy eccentric with no dough. Yeah. His inventions. Well, Duffy, he's invented some very good ones. Well, that bathroom door that you don't have to wait outside of. Yeah. Cause it opens into a closet. Yeah. And them round dice. He has round dice? You know, for people who would rather play marbles. Another thing. Hey, Duffy, what's that noise? Mrs. Duffy slugging you with a frying pan? Cause you won't buy her a mink coat. Duffy, you better leave a slug you. A mink'd probably set you back about 150 bucks. Oh, certainly. Even more expensive than rabbit. Well, that's unaccounted as more rabbits than minks. Why is that? Well, maybe it's because the rabbit is a friendlier. Well, look, Duffy, I'm busy. Fight it out yourself. I gotta go figure my income tax. I'll call you back.

[Danny Seymour]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Duffy's Tavern. Come in and meet Finnegan, Eddie the waiter, Ben Avenuta, Peter Van Steeden and his orchestra. Our special guest tonight, Colonel Lemuel Q. Stupnagel. And Archie himself, Ed Gardner. Brought to you by two products that will pay you to remember Minute rub when you have a cold. Sal Hepatica. When you need a laxative. Minute rub. Sal Hepatic.

[Archie]

Now, let's see. I gotta figure these taxes. Now, my yearly salary, that's annuities. That's $15 a week. And there's 48 weeks in a year. Mr. Archie, there's 52 weeks in a year. You're thinking estates. 52 weeks. There's 12 months in a year, right? Right. And there's four weeks in a month, right? Right. Well, you multiply four by 12 and you get. You're right. It is 52. Yeah. Holy cow. 52 weeks. Except lit year, of course. Then at 53 weeks. Oh, naturally. Now, let's see. 15. 15. You times it by 52. That's six, three, zero. Shove over to Zypha. That's. That makes the fiduciary. Look, let me look at that tax blank a minute, Eddie. And let's see. Here it says, see footnote 1. Footnote 1. See schedule B. Schedule B. See footnote 2. Footnote 2. See footnote 1. Footnote 1. If you claim a credit in line 15, disregard line 19A, complete schedule L1, page 4 instructions and enter computation in line 19C. I'll ignore that. Must be a tripographical error. Now, if I add Schedule 1 to the 15. By the way, Eddie, you want me to help you with your taxes? No, thanks. No, sir, I don't want to bother you. See, you got enough work making out your own tax. Wrong. Oh, yeah. Well, look, Daddy, you know, I may seem confused internally, but inside me brain is going clickety clack, clickety clack, like a broiler factory. Gary, I'll have you know that when I was at PS4. At PS4, I was the mathematical genius of the school.

[Finnegan]

Well, if you stay any place long.

[Archie]

Enough, you're bound to get to the top, right? You should have seen me in them days, Eddie. Me knowledge of mathematics was positively gruesome. Yeah, mastered them all. Arithmetic, geometry. Aden. Plane geometry, fancy geometry, Trigonometry, calcium and Algeria. The square root and the cube rope and the round rope and the entire multiplication table, up to and including nine times nine. Up to and including nine times nine? Yeah. How much is nine times nine? Now that I think of it, I guess it was just up to not including. Well, look, let us get back to this blank. What are you doing? Me? Income tax. Finnegan, did you do yours?

[Mrs. Duffy]

Oh, heavens to bet you. Yeah. Thank goodness mine is all completely.

[Archie]

Oh, it is? Completely, huh? Who filled it out for you?

[Mrs. Duffy]

Nobody. I went down to the post office, I waited in line and finally decided to fill it out for me.

[Archie]

Shop. Well, how much was your tax?

[Mrs. Duffy]

$600.

[Archie]

Finnegan, how could you figure it to come out? $600. Well, I hate to admit this, but I cheated. You cheated, huh? How?

[Mrs. Duffy]

I copied from the guy in front of me.

[Archie]

But, Flanagan, $600? That's crazy.

[Mrs. Duffy]

You think the government should pay me more?

[Archie]

Finnegan, the government don't pay you, you pay the government.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Is that so? Then why is it so popular?

[Archie]

What do you mean?

[Mrs. Duffy]

You should have seen that line at the post office.

[Archie]

Look, Finnegan, you got to fill out a return. Tell you what, I'll help you. We'll do it together. After all, you know, one hat is better than none.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Sorry. George.

[Archie]

Yeah? I demand a recount. Quiet. Eddie. Now, look, Finnegan, when was your income? Last year. Nothing. Nothing, huh? Any dependence?

[Mrs. Duffy]

Yeah. Me father, he gives me a dollar a week spending money.

[Archie]

A dollar a week from your father, huh? I wonder how we could charge that off. Too bad your father ain't dead. We could call it an inheritance.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Well, that's the break shot.

[Archie]

Well, let's see now. How about medicinal expenses, sir?

[Mrs. Duffy]

Oh, none of those.

[Archie]

Dentifrus.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got my father teeth for Christmas.

[Archie]

Well, you got them teeth. How much did you pay for the teeth? Nothing.

[Mrs. Duffy]

I found them.

[Archie]

Well, look, you can do that with they front teeth.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Yeah.

[Archie]

Then you can't deduct them, you know. Why do it look horrible?

[Mrs. Duffy]

Well, how much could I deduct?

[Archie]

Well, let's see now. Your income is zero, the deductions is zero. Tax to be paid. Zero?

[Mrs. Duffy]

You mean I make zero, so I gotta pay zero?

[Archie]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Duffy]

That's a crime watch. Making a guy pay 100% of his income.

[Archie]

Put you in the upper brackets. Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Duffy. She's still slugging you with a frying pan. Oh. Oh, now it's with the lamp, huh? What happened to the frying pan? They don't make them like they used to, huh? Well, look, Duffy, why don't you buy her the mink coke? You can't afford it Cause you gotta pay your income tax. Look, with a fat wife like that, you could put a picture on a blank and claim her as four dependents. You. You absolutely refuse to buy it. Did she hear you? Hello? Hello? Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Duffy. She must have left him have it again.

[Danny Seymour]

Say, what's going on over at Duffy's, Archie?

[Archie]

Well, Duffy is extremely ill. A pounding sensation in his head.

[Danny Seymour]

Oh, it probably comes from a cold. Isn't it awful what a little cold germ can do?

[Archie]

The little germ that's thrown at The Duffy weighs 350 pounds.

[Danny Seymour]

But those little cold germs can cause plenty of misery too, Archie. That's why it's so good to know about the famous Minute Rub way to help get fast relief from cold distress.

[Finnegan]

If you're bothered by cold symptoms, your nose is stopped up and there's an aching feeling in your muscles. Simply massage Minute Rub briskly on your back and chest. That's all you do.

[Danny Seymour]

Yes, and soon. In fact, even before you finish, you feel a pleasant sensation of warmth as minuterub gets to work to soothe the discomfort and tightness caused by your cold. At the same time, Minute Rub's active menthol vapors help relieve that stuffed up Feeling in your nose and throat.

[Finnegan]

Minute rub is greaseless Minute rub is stainless Disappears like vanishing cream as you rub it on.

[Danny Seymour]

Get after those cold symptoms with this famous modern chest rub that helps bring such fast relief that takes only a minute to use. Minute rub M I N I T R U B Minute rub.

[Archie]

Hello? Hello, Duffy. What? She left you? Oh, where did she go? Well, what did the note say? Have gone home to my mother. Goodbye forever, you thick headed cheapskate. Signed your loving wife. Oh, Duffy, don't start crying. Duffy, don't. Come on, chin up, old man. Duffy, please. Bennett, come here. Talk to him. Cheer him up. Mrs. Duffy has left him and the guy's really miserable. Oh, certainly.

[Bennett Venuta]

Hello, Mr. Duffy? This is Bennet Venuta. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about what. No, I'm busy tonight. You old goat, that Duffy.

[Archie]

Go ahead and sing, Bennett. That guy with the memory of a frying pan still war his brain trying to make a date with another T.

[Bennett Venuta]

I hate to see the evening sun go down I hate to see the evening sun go down Cause my baby he's left this town St. Louis woman with her diamond ring Pulled that man around by her apron string Twerk for powder and for store bought hair for the man I love Would not have gone nowhere Nowhere got the St. Louis Blue's just as blue as I can be that man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea Elsie wouldn't have gone so far Far from me oh, got the blues, got the blues, got the mean St. Louis blues that man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea or else he wouldn't have gone so far from me. Poor redheaded woman Makes a good man leave this town. I said a red headed woman makes a good man leave this town. But a blond headed woman makes a fella slap his pappy dog. Oh, I love that man like a schoolboy Love his heart like a Kentucky loves his rock and Roy. And I love that man I love him till the day I die.

[Archie]

Wonderful. Renee, that was terrific. You can snow us daughter tonight. Ms. Archer, how you doing with the income tax? Oh, yeah, I gotta get back to that. Now, let's see. Now let's look at this blank. Now here I put down a tax that I know that I gotta pay. See, that's the sure tax. Wait a minute. Now you say that that's a sure tax. Yeah, sure tax. S U R D A X. Oh, I see. And then to that you add the sure plus. The what? The sure plus. Are you kidding? The word is surplus. Anyways, you add the surplus to the sure tax and then you.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Pardon me, Mia. I use your telephone.

[Archie]

Oh, just the guy to help me with the taxes. Colonel Stoopnagle. I said they can use the phone as a phone, Colonel.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Ah, thank you. I'm in an awful rush.

[Archie]

Uh huh.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Hello, Information? I'd like the phone number of Duffy's Tavern.

[Archie]

But Colonel, this is Duffy's Tavern.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Oh, really? What's the phone number?

[Archie]

Orchard 29970.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Thank you. Hello, information. That number is Orchard 29970. You're welcome. In the future, please look it up in your own directory.

[Archie]

This guy's a maniac.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Well, well. So this is. What's the name of this place again?

[Archie]

Zimmerman's. Little Hungary. Colonel, ain't you a little bit punchy?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Well, yes, I think so too. But most people agree with me. And not only that, I'm also absent minded.

[Archie]

Oh, you're absent minded. How did you get that way?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Well, you see, as a child I was very cruel to animals. And one day I deliberately kicked a horse in the foot with my head. Well, well. So this is Duffy's Tavern.

[Archie]

Yeah, yeah, this is Duffy's Tavern.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

And how is Mr. Duffy?

[Archie]

Oh, okay.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

And Mr. Tavern?

[Archie]

Colonel, there is no Mr. Tavern.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we've all got to go sometime. But Mr. Duffy is carrying on. Huh?

[Archie]

Oh, he certainly is carrying on. His. His wife just left him.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Oh, really? I hope they'll be very happy together. Incidentally, Archie, speaking of marriage, I have a new invention for newlyweds.

[Archie]

New invention for newlyweds? What is it?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

It's an overhead threshold so that if you marry a heavy woman, you can carry her under it. What do you think of it?

[Archie]

Well, I don't know. To me it sounds crazy, but I think it is.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Archie, I'm glad to see that you have vision.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Colonel Stubnagel, I believe.

[Archie]

Oh, Colonel, man just stepped out of the audience here. Clifton. Finnegan.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Finnegan. Finnegan. Were you ever Awake by James Joyce?

[Mrs. Duffy]

No, no, I have an alarm clock.

[Archie]

Colonel, you confused the guy. The correct grammar as Finnegan's woke. See, it's a verb, not a tense.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Mr. Finnegan, may I say that you are a very intelligent looking man.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Oh, thanks, Colonel.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yes, I'm sure that if you had a forehead, it would be a very high one.

[Archie]

Oh, no, Colonel, I would rather have a head like yours coming up to a point.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yours comes to a point too.

[Mrs. Duffy]

Yeah, but yours comes to a higher point.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Oh no, yours comes to a higher point.

[Archie]

What is this? Waiter Steeple. Look, Colonel, I got me income tax to fill out.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Income tax? Well, that's right down my uppy. Archie, would you like to reduce your taxes?

[Archie]

Reduce me taxes? Certainly.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Then here. Take a look at my latest invention.

[Archie]

Your invention? What do you call it?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

The Tactual Q Reducer Nagel. The greatest little machine I ever invented. Cut your taxes 80%.

[Archie]

Look, Colonel, not that I doubt your insanity, but how can a little machine like that reduce your taxes?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

You doubt me? Let me read you some testimonials. Listen to this one. Mr. Henry Morgenthau. Dear sir, since the invention of the reducer Nagel, many people have reduced their taxes by 80%. Signed, Colonel Stoopnagel.

[Archie]

Let me see that. Hey, you're right. It's addressed to Morgenthau. All right.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yes, Archie. And not only that, the reducer Nagel carries a written guarantee.

[Archie]

Written guarantee, huh? Yeah, here it is.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

I, Colonel Stupenagel, hereby guarantee that if my invention does not reduce your income tax by 80%. Sign Colonel Stuartnagel.

[Archie]

Guy couldn't ask for no more than that, could he? Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Duffy. She didn't come back, huh? You're lonesome. Well, sure. Dame that weighs 350 pounds must leave quite a gap in a guy's life. Hey, wait a minute, Duffy. I got an idea. Colonel Stoopnager invented a machine that'll knock 80% off your taxes. Well, so what? All great inventors is nuts. Take Robert Fulton. Sure. They call him Bugs. That other guy that invented gravity, they called him Figgs Newton. Sure. And look, duffy, with the 80% that this machine saves you, you can go out and buy Mrs. Duffy a mink coat and anything else a big fat heart desires, huh? You'll go right out to IJ Fox. Atta boy, Duffy. Leave your income tax to me and a colonel. We'll rate those. Okay, Colonel. Warm you all up. The reducer Nagle. We're gonna do Duffy's tact. I'll say, Archie. Oh, Colonel Stubnagel, this is Danny Seymour, our announcer.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Oh, really? I. I once invented an announcer, but it didn't look anything like you.

[Archie]

Did it work, Colonel?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yes, except for one thing. I couldn't invent anything for my announcer to say.

[Danny Seymour]

Oh, well, Colonel, the most helpful statements aren't invented anywhere. They're facts.

[Archie]

Oh, sure. Like what Danny here has to say.

[Danny Seymour]

Yes, A fact like this, for instance, ladies and gentlemen, according to a nationwide survey of thousands of people, the two things most wanted in a laxative are first, speed and second, gentleness. Well, those are two of the very things that have made Sal Hepatica famous. Remember that when you wake up feeling dull and headachy because you need a laxative. And take that famous saline Sal Hepatica right away.

[Finnegan]

Well, then you can depend on speedy Sal Hepatica to bring exceptionally gentle relief. And usually within an hour.

[Danny Seymour]

So you can see, with Sal Hepatica, it's not necessary to wait till night to take the laxative needed in the morning. And consequently not necessary to risk feeling miserable all day. And Sal Hepatica has this additional advantage.

[Finnegan]

Sparkling Sal Hepatica also helps sweeten an upset stomach by helping to reduce excess gastric acidity.

[Danny Seymour]

So before another day goes by, ask your druggist for a bottle of Sal Hepatica. Remembering this caution, use only as directed. Then, anytime you need a laxative, morning, noon or night, see how much faster you feel better when you take gentle, speedy Sal Hepatica.

[Bennett Venuta]

Sam.

[Archie]

Okay, Kyle, now we gotta save Duffy enough tag to buy Mrs. Duffy a mink coat. Now we gotta get it down from 200 bucks to about 50.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

All right, Archie, let's get to work. What's the weekly income of this joint?

[Archie]

The weekly income. You mean a. A good week or a bad week?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

An average week.

[Archie]

That's a bad week. Oh, I'd say about $30.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Okay, we'll put it on the machine. About $30.

[Archie]

Mm.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

That's a B, O, U, T, 30.

[Archie]

Colonel, if I didn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Wait a minute. Here's some more figures, Colonel. Put them on a machine while I answer the phone, huh? Okay. Hello? Hello, Duffy? Huh? You what? You bought the mink, huh? What kind? Cheap mink. I never heard of it. How do you spell it? C, H, I, P. Duffy. That's Chipmunk. Well. Well, she probably liked the chipmunk. Duffy. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. She ain't got no taste. What? Oh, the machine, it's going great. Yeah, doing a great job. I'll pull you back. What happened? Kynel killed.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

But it'll be all right.

[Archie]

Well, just see that the tax ain't no more than 50 bucks. Now what do we do now?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Well, I've entered all the figures. Now, I set the automatic adjustments, I checked the barometric pressure, and we're all set to go. Take it away. Reducer.

[Archie]

Nagel. There.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

You'll find your tax total on this little white card.

[Archie]

This little card, huh?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yes. Read it.

[Archie]

You have a pleasant disposition and make friends easily.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Ask a little Extra service. Your tax is on the back.

[Archie]

On the back? Oh, oh, on the back. The total total income tax. $2,000. Colonel, who invented this machine, you or Morgenthau?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Really? I'm embarrassed. This is the first time this has ever happened.

[Archie]

You sure?

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Positive. It's the first time I ever used the machine. Let me try it again. There we are.

[Archie]

Let's look at a card. Now, you are a person who loves to travel.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Read the other side.

[Archie]

Pay the $2,000 or we'll send you to Alcatra. Duke Duffy can't afford to pay $2,000.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Archie, you've given me an idea. I hereby renounce the reducer Nagel. I hereby christen this machine the taxual cue Increaser nagel.

[Archie]

Increaser Nagel.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

Yes, it's to help poor people to get into the higher income tax bracket.

[Archie]

But Colonel, please. Duffy was buying a mink on a strength at $150. We was going to save him on a reducing nagle. What? Oh, hello. Hello, Duffy. Did you buy the coat? You did, huh? Did she come back? Yeah, and she liked the coat. And you're both very happy, huh? You don't know how to thank me. Look, Duffy, if I was to tell you. No, I can't spoil it. Duffy, I Hope you and Mrs. Duffy will continue to be happy for many, many years. Yeah, okay. I couldn't tell it to the guy. They're too happy. You know, I'll pay the 150 out of my own pocket.

[Danny Seymour]

Well, it's time to leave Duffy's Tavern for the evening. But let's all meet here again next week when our guest will be Gertrude Lawrence. And in the meantime, if you have.

[Finnegan]

A cold, remember Minute rub.

[Danny Seymour]

If you need a laxative, remember style hepatica. If you have a half hour next Tuesday evening at this same time, remember.

[Archie]

Duffy's Tavern, where you'll eat meat to eat. Archie the man. Just bacon. Duffy ain't. Oh, hello, Duffy. Yeah, that's right. Next week Kurt would launch. Who? Uh, yeah, the English accent. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get all dressed up. Duffy and owner. Top hat and white tie and a manacle. A manacle? Pair of one eyed glasses. Yeah, like them CNI Englishmen wears. Well, good night, Duffy. See you next week.

[Finnegan]

Mothers, why let your boy or girl suffer from neglected cold symptoms? Get after your child's cold distress quickly and easily with minute rub, Modern chest rub. All you do is massage minute rub on your youngster's back and chest for rubbing on Minute rub promptly helps soothe cold discomfort. Comfort and Minute rubs. Menthol vapors help relieve congestion in nose and throat. Minute Rub is greaseless and it's stainless too. Won't harm clothes or linen, so get after your child's cold distress with his famous modern chest rub. Minute Rub M I N I T.

[Archie]

R U B Minute Ruby.

[Finnegan]

This is the Blue Network.

[Colonel Stoopnagle]

You are listening to KECA Los Angeles.