Duffy's Tavern 1945-06-01 (173) Archie Installs a Roulette Wheel

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duffy's Tavern 1945-06-01 (173) — Archie Installs a Roulette Wheel

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: January 2, 2026
Original Broadcast Date: June 1, 1945
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Theme:
A classic comedic romp at Duffy's Tavern, where Archie, the ever-ambitious manager, attempts to revive business by hiring a press agent—resulting in a madcap publicity stunt involving a roulette wheel, an opera singer, and the tavern’s hilarious regulars.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on Archie’s desperate bid to bring customers back to Duffy’s Tavern by generating publicity. He hires his old acquaintance, Dave Harzinger—a notorious but charming con man—hoping Dave can cook up a headline-grabbing stunt. The story escalates as the staff stages an over-the-top casino scene, culminating in a phony suicide meant to make the front page, all with Archie’s business fortunes (and dignity) at stake.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Highlights

1. Duffy’s Tavern Faces Tough Times (00:24–04:49)

• Archie confides to Duffy (the unseen owner) about the empty bar and his plan for publicity.
  • Quote:
    “The joint has been empty so long. The air in here is getting fresh.” — Archie (00:29)
  • Archie argues that publicity, not food quality, is what brings customers, referencing Hollywood stars as examples.

2. Banter with Eddie and the Search for a Press Agent (04:50–08:55)

• Eddie (the wisecracking bartender) and Archie riff on the power of publicity.
• Jokes about the tavern's “wholesome, balanced diet”—“They got a 50/50 chance of recovering.” — Eddie (04:49)
• Archie decides to look for a press agent in the classified ads.

3. The Return of Dave Harzinger, the Con Man (09:10–12:08)

• Dave Harzinger, Archie's old frenemy, turns up, proposing to go straight.
  • Quote:
    “In fact, I came down here tonight to ask you to help me to go straight.” — Dave (09:56)
• The group jokes about Dave’s criminal tendencies.
• Dave, after friendly cajoling, accepts Archie's job offer as press agent.

4. Brainstorming the Big Stunt (12:08–15:41)

• Dave begins searching for promotional angles, dismissing sob stories and celebrity angles.
• The crew parades the resident opera singer, Marek Windheim, showcasing his dramatic talents with a performance.
• Dave declares the tavern needs something “with pictures in the papers…a stunt!”

5. Assembling the Scheme (15:41–19:32)

• Dave calls his “photographer” friend, Charlie—clearly another underworld type—to document the event.
  • Funny exchange:
    “Hello, Press Club? I’d like to speak to Charlie the con man.” — Dave (15:58)
• The group preps for the ‘Monte Carlo’ evening as Dave works out specifics for the stunt: setting up a roulette wheel while manufacturing drama.

6. Miss Duffy and the Quest for Stardom (16:52–18:16)

• Miss Duffy demands a shot at publicity, comparing herself to movie stars.
  • “With the right publicity, I could be just as important as Betty Grable!” — Miss Duffy (17:12)
• Archie sardonically rebuffs her airs and “beach photo.”

7. The Roulette Wheel & Fake Suicide Plan (19:32–27:38)

• Dave reveals his elaborate stunt: The opera singer will lose all his “money” at the roulette wheel, then pretend to shoot himself, getting sensational photos.
  • “Marek Windheim, famous opera singer, kills himself at Duffy’s Tavern!” — Dave (18:31)
• Archie and company set up the “casino,” with Finnegan (the lovable simpleton) misapplying gambling terms.
  • Quote (Finnegan):
    “Pick your collars. Rule your powder, then Rose your powder.” (25:49)
• The betting escalates laughably, with impossible sums tossed around (“$34 million. I’ll take it in dimes, please.” — Eddie, 28:20).

8. The (Staged) Climax and Inevitable Con (27:38–30:20)

• Windheim ‘loses’, acts ruined, and pretends to shoot himself.
• Dave insists on putting $50 in the “corpse’s” pocket for better optics, and Charlie snaps the photo.
• The con is revealed. Dave “needs” the $50 to bribe Charlie and suppress the photo, “realizing” too late Arch is being swindled.
  • Quote: “Came the dawn, passenger. Did you figure out this whole scheme just to swindle me out of 50 bucks?” — Archie (30:04)
    • Dave: “Come to think of it, I guess I did.” (30:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Publicity:

  • “A man will eat anything if he knows that the next day he can see his name in the paper.” — Archie (05:00)

• On Dave’s Reputation:

  • “Crooked is a harsh word, Eddie. Leave us not judge the man too brashly. Remember, life itself is a matter of trial and error.” — Archie (06:19)

• Archie’s Worldview:

  • “You’re a good judge of people…You’ve got a nice center, you got a lot of imagination.” — Archie to Dave (11:05)

• On Duffy’s Food:

  • “Balanced diet…they got a 50/50 chance of recovering.” — Eddie (04:49)

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:24–04:49: Archie laments business and pitches publicity
• 04:50–08:55: Banter on food quality and need for a press agent
• 09:10–12:08: Dave Harzinger’s reappearance and job offer
• 12:08–15:41: Brainstorming stunts, opera singer’s performance
• 15:41–19:32: Plotting the photo op, calling “Charlie the con man”
• 16:52–18:16: Miss Duffy’s starlet ambitions
• 19:32–27:38: Casino scheme assembly, mounting chaos
• 27:38–30:20: Staged fortune, “suicide,” and Archie’s inevitable fleecing

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Tone and Style

The episode brims with quick-witted banter, classic vaudeville-style repartee, and tongue-in-cheek gags, all characteristic of wartime radio comedy. The humor is self-deprecating, with the characters affectionately lampooning both themselves and their circumstances. The language is sharp, fast-paced, and full of snappy one-liners that capture the flavor of 1940s radio entertainment.

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Summary

This episode of Duffy’s Tavern stands as a textbook example of the show’s farcical brilliance: a slew of hapless but good-hearted grifters chasing dubious schemes, powered by Archie’s relentless optimism and sheer comedic inertia. While hoping for a splash in the papers, Archie ends up, as ever, the butt of a classic con—proving, in true Duffy’s style, that the only thing more reliable than their bad food is Archie getting hoodwinked.

Transcript

[A]

We take you now to Duffy's Tavern.

[B]

Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meets. Eat Archie, the manager's bacon. Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello, Duffy. Business? Well, I can't tell Duffy we ain't doing any. Oh, the joint has been empty so long. The air in here is getting fresh. Well, don't worry, Duffy. I got the answer. Yeah, I'm gonna hire a press agent and get the joint some publicity. Now, don't argue, Duffy. Publicity is the greatest thing in the world. What do you think made Betty Grable? Well, they helped, of course. Well, I'm telling you, that's what we need to put the joint back on its feet. No, I mean publicity. Yeah, we should have items in the nightclub columns. Like among those seen dining at Duffy's last night was the late Harvey Peabody. Or, you know, last night in Duffy's Tavern, we spotted Lady Mendel nibbling with a free lunch. Well, look, just take my word, Duffy. Sure. I'll bet you inside of a week you'll see long, sleek black cars pulling up in front of the place. No, I mean the kind with doors on the side. Oh, what's the use? I'll call you back up.

[C]

And how are you feeling this evening? Well, that's good. Glad to hear it. Me? Oh, I'm very well, thank you.

[B]

Eddie, stop talking to that moose head. What's the idea?

[C]

I just want to hear what a human voice sounds like.

[B]

Eddie, I can't understand this plethora of customers. What's the reason for it?

[C]

Well, there's three possible reasons why breakfast, dinner and supper.

[B]

Well, Ketti, we may not have the most gut satorial food in the world, but we do serve a wholesome, balanced diet.

[C]

Balanced it right. They got a 5050 chance of recovering.

[B]

Look, it ain't that bad, Eddie. No, I think the answer to the whole thing is publicity.

[A]

Publicity, huh?

[B]

Yeah. You know, a man will eat anything if he knows that the next day he can see his name in the paper.

[C]

Well, his name might be there, but he's crazy if he thinks he's gonna be able to see it.

[B]

Eddie, you love to kid me, don't you, Eddie? But you gotta admit that every smart guy has took advantage of publicity. For instance, if I asked you who invented the telephone? You know right away, don't you? Sure.

[C]

Alexander Graham Bell.

[B]

Sure. And how do you know Publicity? Bell was smart. The minute he invented it, he called up all his friends and told them about it. No, Eddie, that's what we need, a publicity man.

[C]

There's Mr. Bell now.

[B]

Hello? Oh, hello, Dave. It's Dave Harsinger, Eddie. Gee, Dave, you're a sound for sore ears, huh? Oh, sure, I missed you, Dave. Yeah, well, you know, you used to be down here at least once a week cheating me and swindling me out of dough. What's the matter? You getting too big for your old friends, huh? You're on your way down. Oh, good. Be looking for you, Dave. Yes.

[C]

So long, Mr. Archer. Are you gonna let that Crooked Hostinger swindle you again?

[B]

Crooked is a harsh word, Eddie. Leave us not judge the man too brashly. Remember, life itself is a matter of trial and error.

[C]

Not with Dave Hostinger. With him, the error comes first, then the trial.

[B]

Now, stop rapping the guy tonight, Eddie. He's just coming down here for a friendly visit.

[C]

Friendly visit, huh? The man has sold you phony diamonds, fake stock, broken down roulette wheels, swindled you with all kinds of crooked skin, and you still think it can be a friendly visit?

[B]

Why not? What did I ever do to him? Now, you got him wrong, Eddie. Believe me, at heart he's a good guy. Take it from me, he will. Eddie, I am afraid that you are carrying your cynicism to a point of absurdity.

[A]

Really good.

[B]

Oh, hello, Flanagan.

[D]

Boy, it sure is deserted here tonight. This place gives me the creeps.

[B]

Well, turn about a spare play. Boy, that's quite a sunburn you got there.

[D]

It's beginning to hike.

[B]

Hey, better rub some Argentine on it. Where'd you get so sunburned?

[D]

Up in Central Park? My kid brother was taking a girl out rowing and it was a spice date, so my mother asked me to go along as a chaperone. Mother is such a sticker for poem, you know.

[B]

Oh, yeah? Well, tell me, how did you like being a chaperone?

[D]

Oh, it was fun. I sat in the back of the boat and watched him kissing and hugging the neck and.

[B]

Oh, boy, Finnegan, a chaperone ain't supposed to watch. He's supposed to supervise.

[D]

Nobody had to tell them what to do. I just. How come the place is so empty?

[B]

Well, it won't be for long, Finnegan. We're gonna hire a press agent.

[D]

Press agent?

[B]

Yeah, a guy to get us wrote up in the papers.

[D]

Oh, why don't you get the same guy that wrote me up?

[B]

Well, we couldn't get Ripley for our kind of dough. Whoever wrote you up in the papers anyhow?

[D]

The inquiring photographer. He took my picture and paid me $2 for it.

[B]

Finnegan, you was gyp. Any medical journal Would have given you 10. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go look at the one ads to see if there's a press agent looking for a job. Eddie, watch the bar, will you? Okay.

[C]

You must remember this.

[B]

Your kiss is just a kiss.

[C]

The science just decide the fundamental things of life.

[A]

Hello, Eddie.

[B]

Remember me?

[A]

Dave Harzinger, as crime goes.

[E]

Hello, Mr. Hosinger.

[A]

Hey, where's Archie?

[C]

He's in the back room reading the warrant ads. He's thinking of hiring a press agent.

[A]

Oh, press agent A. Hmm.

[B]

Is he thinking of paying a salary? I guess so.

[C]

You want me to call him?

[B]

Yes, yes.

[C]

Oh, Mr. Archer.

[A]

Sharing time.

[B]

Well, well, Dave Hartinger. Hiya, Dave. Glad to see you.

[A]

Glad to see you, Arch.

[F]

You're looking swell.

[B]

Gee, thanks, Dave. Hey, Dave, Babe, do me a favor, will you?

[A]

Now, what is it, Arch?

[B]

Don't gip me tonight, huh?

[A]

Why, Arch, nothing could be further from my mind. In fact, I came down here tonight to ask you to help me to go straight.

[C]

His schemes is getting better all the time.

[B]

Eddie, please, I'm just talking to the moose head. Now, what was you saying, Dave?

[A]

Well, Arch, I'm tired of the life I've been leading. A lot of gold one day, broke the next. I've been thinking how nice it would be to live off the small, steady income of an honest man. Now, you're an honest man, are you? Do you think there's any hope for me?

[B]

Oh, sure, Dave. You know, there's nothing basically wrong with you. You've got a sincere personality, a straightforward appearance, an honest face. It's only a character that's crooked.

[A]

Arch, I think you've hit the nail on the head. But what can I do about it?

[B]

Well, Dave, have you tried real hard?

[A]

Have I tried, Arch? Do you think I like this Easy money, but what else can I do? What qualifications have I got for an honest job? What am I fitted for?

[B]

Well, Dave, you've got a lot of qualifications. You're a good judge of people. I remember when you was in school and you were stumped on an examination. You always knew exactly whose paper to copy from. You got a nice center, Naomi, you got a lot of imagination.

[A]

Maybe I should have been a writer.

[B]

You mean a novelist?

[A]

No, something more practical maybe.

[B]

Advertising could be. Why don't you try it? You're a good talker. You could probably talk yourself into a job.

[A]

Talker? Advertising. Wait a minute, Arch. I got it.

[B]

What?

[A]

A guy like me would probably make a good press agent.

[B]

A press age. Holy cat, Dave. You know, this is positively Unclammy. Dave, you're gonna swear that I made this up.

[A]

Don't tell me that you need a. Yeah.

[B]

It's amazing. It's incredible. It's unbelievable.

[C]

No other sucker can make that statement.

[B]

Well, Dave, you got yourself a job. Thanks, Art.

[A]

You'll never regret it. Well, I better get to work. Now, first, how about a little human interest story on Duffy and his wife?

[B]

Now, the public is fed up with Warnos.

[A]

Yeah, I guess you're right. Now, what else is there around here to work on?

[B]

Well, there's me.

[A]

Well, I don't want to go to work on you right away. I got something in the back of my mind that I'm saving. Oh, yeah?

[B]

Well, that's. Well, Dave, thanks. Well, wait a second now. What else we got? We got an opera singer here.

[A]

What's his name?

[B]

Marek Windheim. Want to hear him sing?

[A]

Yeah, maybe I'll get an idea. Okay.

[B]

Hey, Wendy. Wendy, we'd like to have. By the way, what's that ketchup doing on your coke? Have you been eating? Yes. Before you sing? Yes. Mr. Windheim, in the future, the management would prefer that it would be the other way around. Please. Now, go ahead and sing.

[F]

Among you beggars of Paris town. You lousy rabble of low degree. Spare King Louis to keep his crown and save our city from Burgundy. You and I are good for nothing. But to die we can die for liberty. Sons of toil and danger. Will you serve a stranger and bow down to Burgundy? Sons of shame and sorrow. Will you cheer tomorrow for the crown of Burgundy? Onward, onward, towers against the fold. Forward, forward the lily banners go, sons of France around us. Break the chain that bound us and away with Burgundy. Onward, onward for the ants to fall. Onward, forward the lily banner gold Sons of France around us. Break the chains that bound us and away with Burgundy.

[B]

Well, Dave, what do you think of the guy?

[A]

Well, I think it's a great voice for the Metropolitan or the hit parade, but frankly, I don't see the guy as a news angle for Duffy's Tavern. See, what we need is some kind of a stunt that'll get pictures in the papers.

[B]

Yeah, good idea. By the way, how do you like the job so far?

[A]

Oh, wonderful, Arch. I'm glad you talked me into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Arch, in case I do figure out a stunt, we better have a photographer here ready to shoot pictures. Oh, now, who should be called this scene?

[B]

Associated Press? International Press? United Press?

[A]

I got it. Hello, Press Club? I'd like to speak to Charlie the con man.

[B]

The con man?

[A]

Consolidated Press.

[B]

Oh, hello.

[A]

Hello, Charlie. This is Hossy. I'm down here at Duffy's Tavern. Listen, Charlie, there's a little item down here that's just ripe for plucky. I'd like you to come over and give me a hand. You'll be right over. Good. Oh, by the way, pick up a camera someplace. A camera? Yeah, yeah. So long, Charlie.

[B]

Well, we're all set, huh, Dave?

[A]

Well, I still gotta figure out an angle. Maybe I better go over to that corner booth and concentrate.

[B]

Okay, Dave, but I bet you'll come up with something.

[E]

I say, Archie, I hear you hired a press agent. How about using me and some publicity pictures?

[B]

Now, look, Ms. Duffy, just because Borden's uses Elsie to count.

[E]

Well, I'll admit I'm no Betty. Betty Grable.

[B]

Which is very good news for Harry James.

[E]

Listen, I'll have you know, with the right publicity, I could be just as important as Betty Grable. After all, no one would have heard of her if she was unknown.

[B]

Drake. Continue, Miss Duffy. I find myself fascinated by this stupidity.

[E]

Oh, yeah? Well, look at Esther Williams, Jinx Falkenberg, Gene Tierney, Linda Darnell. Without publicity, where would they all be?

[B]

I don't know, but it sounds like a great spot to spend a vacation.

[E]

Okay, okay, Mr. Weisenheimer. But let's take a look at this snapshot of me taken at the beach.

[B]

Let's see there.

[E]

Name one movie star that has a better shape.

[B]

Wallace Berry. Miss Duffy, why don't you resign yourself? After all, we can't all look like Dorothy Lamour.

[E]

Dorothy Lamour? Her kind of beauty went out years ago.

[B]

And your kind is still sitting home waiting.

[A]

Stop bothering, Arch.

[B]

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Duffy.

[A]

Arch, I've got it.

[B]

You have, Dave? Yes, sir.

[A]

The greatest publicity stunt since the San Francisco earthquake.

[B]

Yeah, huh? What is it, Dave?

[A]

What an idea. I can see the headlines now. Marek Windheim, famous opera singer, kills himself at Duffy's Tavern. Well, that's great.

[B]

But you think we can get the guy to cooperate?

[A]

Well, he doesn't really kill himself, Arch. You see, the idea is this. We take that old roulette wheel in the back room, set up a gambling casino. The opera singer plays the wheel, goes broke and kills himself. Real Monte Carlo stuff. See, my friend Charlie takes the picture, and it'll make every front page in the country.

[B]

What a dead guy. Dave, you think that kind of publicity will attract customers?

[A]

Arch, do you have any idea what the annual gate receipts are at Grant's Tomb?

[B]

Well, maybe you got an idea at that. You see, Dave, you got a natural bent for this racket, huh?

[A]

Yeah, it felt a bit strange at first, but now that I've cooked up this little scheme, I'm beginning to feel right at home.

[B]

Atta boy.

[A]

Hello, Dave. Charlie. Well, you didn't lose much time getting down here, did you? I see you picked up a camera. Yeah, yeah, the guy turned his back.

[E]

Charlie.

[F]

Shake hands with Archie.

[B]

Oh, glad to know you, Charlie.

[A]

Pleased to meet you. Arts, would you believe that Charlie is one of the most sought after men in the game?

[B]

No kidding.

[A]

What a photographer. Remember the big jewel robbery on fifth Avenue a couple of weeks ago?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Charlie was on the job even before the cops arrived.

[B]

Yeah. Did you get any good pictures of the robbery, Charlie?

[A]

Got some gems. Oh, yeah? Yes sir, they sure were. Look, all right, get the gang together and set up the wheel in the back room. I'd like to talk to Charlie alone for a second.

[B]

Okay, Dave. Hey, Eddie. Yeah? Eddie, I want you to go in the back room and set up that wheel.

[C]

Mr. Hoffinger gonna take you for another ride now, Eddie.

[B]

I've reformed him. I think you're gonna see a lot of change in the guy. 10.

[C]

The one is gonna be your change.

[B]

Eddie, no back talk. You just got set up. The whale laugh. Finnegan. Finnegan. Tonight. Tonight, Finnegan, you are a croupier. What? You're a croupier.

[D]

Insults, insults, nothing but insults.

[B]

I ain't insulting you. Come on the back room and I'll explain to you what I mean.

[A]

Sa.

[D]

All right, come on, folks, place your bets. The jacks are better to open.

[B]

Finnegan, that's poker. Please. Get back to roulette.

[D]

Oh dear. All right, pick your collars. Rule your powder, then Rose your powder.

[B]

That's better. Now don't forget Wendy. You see, you go broke, you're desperate. There's only one way out. You shoot yourself.

[A]

But Archie.

[B]

Wendy, look, you're my pal, ain't you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Then shoot yourself. Now, please go ahead and start losing.

[A]

Hey, quite a gambling casino you got here, aren't you?

[B]

Oh, thank you very much, Charlie. We modeled it after Monte Cristo. Will you have a cigar? Thanks, White. Hope you'll pardon a match. I'm fresh out of $10 bills.

[A]

Big time stuff, eh, Tommy?

[E]

Oh, managere.

[B]

Yes, Countess?

[E]

Some chips, please.

[B]

Cashier, give the Countess some chips.

[C]

Soap or potato?

[B]

Please, cashier, a little more respect or you'll be back at the $2 window at Santa Anita.

[A]

Archie, tell Charlie who the Countess is. Oh, the Count.

[B]

Oh, that's the Countess Duffinski. French, you know, Mother is a very famous chateau.

[A]

Say, Arch, do you ever have any suicides here?

[B]

Oh, whenever the occasion warrants. By the way, Charlie, that's another service we give our customers. Have you noticed how the floor is built on a slant? Yeah, that's so that when they kill themselves, they can roll right out into the street, see? It saves our cleansing woman no end of trouble. Wouldn't be surprised if there was a suicide tonight. The way that opera singer's been losing dough over there. Leave us. Go over to the table and watch him play, huh, Joey?

[D]

All right, folks, here we go. Round and round she goes. Round and round. Tell you what, I'm getting dizzy here.

[B]

Spin it again, croupier. Well, let's see. I got a hunch on a black this time. A thousand francs.

[A]

What?

[B]

A thousand francs.

[D]

You're welcome.

[E]

1,000 francs on number six.

[F]

10,000 on number eight.

[C]

I'll shoot a million on number 12.

[D]

Round and round she goes. Round and round she goes. And the winner is number 12.

[B]

Congratulations, Eddie. You win $34 million.

[C]

I'll take it in dimes, please.

[B]

And, Mr. Windheim, how did you make out?

[F]

Oh, I lost again. I'm ruined.

[B]

Ruined, huh? Well, what are you going to do about it?

[A]

There's nothing left for me to do but shoot myself.

[B]

Courpier, a gun, please, on the house manager.

[E]

You are going to let him.

[B]

You know our policy, Countess. The customer is always right.

[D]

Oh, he can't.

[B]

He's done it. Okay, Charlie, there's your picture.

[A]

Wait a second, Oz. You know, it'd be very bad publicity if the guy killed himself because he went broke.

[B]

What do you mean, Dave?

[A]

Well, in Monte Carlo, when a thing like this happens, they stuff some dough in the guy's pocket.

[B]

Oh, well, about how much?

[A]

How much you got in the register?

[B]

Wait, I'll look. There's 50 bucks here, Dave.

[A]

Exactly the amount. Now, quick, put it in the corpse's pocket.

[B]

I put it in the corpse's pocket. Like this?

[A]

That's right. Now, hold the pose. Take it, Charlie. Got it, Dave. And what a picture. Well, so long, Archie.

[B]

So long, Charlie.

[A]

See you on the front page. I'll see you later, Dave. Fix me, I can say.

[B]

Well, I guess I better put the 50 bucks back in the register.

[A]

Holy smokes, Arch. What a dope I am.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Something we completely overlooked. When that picture is printed, it might look as though you're taking the money out of the dead man's pocket. Arch, we gotta kill that picture.

[B]

Well, how can we do it.

[A]

Well, Charlie's a friend of mine. I'll bribe him. Quick. Give me that 50 bucks.

[B]

Okay. Here you are, Dave.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Well.

[E]

Sorry.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Say, I got a funny feeling.

[B]

Came the dawn passenger. Did you figure out this whole scheme just to swindle me out of 50 bucks?

[A]

Come to think of it, I guess I did.

[B]

After all the trouble I went through to make you go straight. How could you do it, Dave?

[A]

Well, I hate to say it, but there's only one answer. What? Ash, you're a failure. This is the armed forces radio, sir. Sam, Sa. It.