Duffy's Tavern 1945-12-21 (188) Is There a Santa Claus

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Duffy's Tavern 1945-12-21 (188) "Is There a Santa Claus?"
Date Featured: December 21, 2025
Original Airdate: December 21, 1945
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

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Main Theme

This episode of Duffy's Tavern takes listeners back to a classic holiday episode from 1945, centering around the question, “Is There a Santa Claus?” The show weaves together the characteristic humor, camaraderie, and heart of the Tavern’s regulars as they prepare for Christmas, culminating in their own comedic spin on A Christmas Carol. The episode showcases both the period’s comedic style and genuine warmth, making it a seasonal treat.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Christmas at the Tavern (01:04–04:47)

• Archie (Ed Gardner) banters about Christmas cards—one from a fruit peddler, another from an undertaker with surprising “wrappings.”
• Archie plans a tavern Christmas show: “We’re even putting on a show tonight, the Christmas Carol. What’s an old play by Charles Dickens? Dickens, as in Go to D.”
• Humorous dialogue about Christmas decorations:
  • Eddie suggests whitewashing sawdust for snow and parading as a St. Bernard with brandy.
  • The crew reminisces about past (underwhelming) Christmas gifts from Duffy, emphasizing the tight-fisted owner’s reputation.

2. Finnegan’s Existential Santa Claus Crisis (04:32–06:50)

• Clifton Finnegan struggles with the authenticity of Santa Claus:
  • “Is there a Santa Claus?” (04:44)
  • He observes department store Santas of varying shapes, casting doubt.
• Archie, after some comic hesitation, dodges the hard truth by reassuring Finnegan:
  • “Finnegan, there is no… no truth to the rumor that there is no Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus.” (06:45)

3. Christmas Antics and Show Preparation (08:31–13:22)

• Eddie has a comic, suspicious phone call with his girlfriend Sonya, infusing playful jealousy and seasonal greetings.
• Ms. Duffy complains about the department store holiday mayhem yet admits she was only browsing (09:54).
• Archie reluctantly lets Ms. Duffy sing in the Christmas show, following their usual sharp exchanges.
• Preparation for the show includes lively “casting” and jokes about Vitalis (hair tonic) product placements.

4. Duffy’s Tavern 1945 Christmas Show (13:22–29:19)

a) The Variety Acts

• Eddie Performs (14:04): A soulful, jazzy holiday rendition: “Santa Claus is coming on down to Harlem town…”
• Robert Maxwell on Harp (15:02): Lighthearted banter leads into harp music, “He plays the thing with his bare hands,” marvels Archie (16:20).
• Duet: Finnegan and Ms. Duffy give a humorously “off-key” Christmas performance (18:53–20:25).

b) Comic Poetry Segment

• Marvin Miller spins a Christmas parody poem referencing “minute rub” (topical chest rub):
  • “Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nation people had chest colds, and that stuffed up sensation...” (20:51)

c) “A Christmas Carol”—Duffy’s Style (22:02–29:19)

• Archie as Ebenezer Scrooge, writing:
  • “Dear diary, had a pleasant day today. Bankrupted three widows, foreclosed 12 mortgages, and drove nine families out into the snow. Barefoot, of course.” (22:43)
• Comic exchanges with “butler Godfrey” (Eddie) over chilling conditions:
  • “You think these twigs grow on trees?” (23:15)
• Scrooge is visited by the Spirit of Christmas—“I am the spirit of Christmas. I have come to show you the suffering that your stinginess is causing.” (26:42)
• Tragicomic scene with Mrs. Scratchit (Ms. Duffy) and Tiny Tim (Finnegan):
  • “Where are your shoes? Tim, stop picking that leather out of your teeth and tell me, where are your shoes? Oh, Tim. Tim, you didn’t eat them.” (27:35)
  • “Why is Ebenezer Scrooge so wicked?” “He’s just socially maladjusted. He hates to part with a buck.” (28:01)
• Scrooge’s transformation:
  • “I’m going to give £50,000 to Tiny Tim and Mrs. Scratchit. And the rest of my money I will give to nothing but orphan asylums…” (28:35)
  • Lesson: “You have learned me that it is better to give than to receive.” (28:46)

5. Closing and Christmas Spirit (29:19–30:03)

• Cheerful group singing of “Jingle Bells” to comfort a weeping Duffy; the episode closes with comic warmth and holiday camaraderie.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Archie, on Duffy’s gift-giving:
  “What’d he give you last year again?”
  Eddie: “Monogrammed dustpan.” (03:35)

• Finnegan’s innocent logic:
  “You asked my little brother Wilford, and he says there ain’t no Santa Claus. But what does he know? He’s only a child.” (05:21)

• Archie’s clever sidestep:
  “There is no… no truth to the rumor that there is no Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus.” (06:45)

• Satirical “Christmas Carol” moment:
  “Leave her starved and poor people is all alike. Greedy humbles. Yes, give them bread today, and tomorrow they're back asking for water.” (24:31)

• Mrs. Scratchit’s economic explanation:
  “Oh, he isn't really wicked, son. He's just socially maladjusted. He hates to part with a buck.” (28:01)

• Scrooge’s conversion:
  “You have learned me that it is better to give than to receive.” (28:46)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:04: Archie’s intro and Christmas cards banter
• 04:32: Finnegan’s Santa Claus dilemma
• 06:45: Archie’s sidestep answer about Santa
• 14:04: Eddie’s Harlem Santa song
• 15:02: Harp music by Robert Maxwell
• 22:02: Duffy’s Tavern version of “A Christmas Carol”
• 27:35: “Where are your shoes, Tim?” comedy peak
• 28:35: Scrooge’s heart grows three sizes (“Give £50,000 to Tiny Tim…”)
• 29:19: “Jingle Bells” and holiday group cheer

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Tone

The episode’s tone is classic radio comedy: sly, jovial, sometimes tongue-in-cheek, peppered with affectionate mockery, groan-worthy puns, and sincere (if comedic) holiday cheer. Warm camaraderie and affectionate ribbing define most interactions, leavened with period-appropriate wit and earnestness.

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Summary

Duffy’s Tavern: "Is There a Santa Claus?" is a quintessential Golden Age radio holiday special. The Tavern’s regulars bicker, commiserate, and finally come together for a Christmas revue full of offbeat tunes, jokes, and a uniquely zany version of A Christmas Carol. With Archie’s sidestepping wisdom, Finnegan's childlike earnestness, and the group’s irrepressible humor, the episode delivers both laughs and a heartwarming message about giving, just in time for Christmas.

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Transcript

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[Narrator / Announcer]

It's Friday night, so we take you now to Duffy's Tavern, starring Archie himself, Ed Gardner. Duffy Tavern is brought to you by Bristol Myers, makers of Vitalis and Minute Rub, two products that will pay you to remember. Minute Rub Modern chest rub Vitalis for well groomed hair. Minute Rub Modern Vitalis.

[Archie]

Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where do you eat meat to eat, Archie the man? Just bacon. Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello, Duffy. Merry Christmas to you. By the way, we got two more Christmas cards tonight. Well, one from Koluchy the fruit peddler. Yeah, very pretty card, too. It's got his coat of arms, two crossed bananas with a tomato rampant in the background. Yeah, and the other one's from Cavendish, the undertaker. Yeah, it says, wishing you a joyous and merry Christmas. And a short but Happy New Year. P.S. drop in and see our new Christmas wrappings. Yeah, you ought to be here, Duffy. Already the joint is reeking with Christmas. Yoda. Yeah, we're even putting on a show tonight, the Christmas Carol. What's an old play by Charles Dickens? Dickens, as in Go to D.

[Grainger Commercial Announcer]

You.

[Archie]

Know, the guy's a very famous writer. Duffy wrote David Copperfield, the Picnic papers. I don't know. One about the dame. You know, Oliver's twist. Look, Duffy, I'm busy now. I gotta rewrite the Christmas Carol. Yeah, well, I gotta fix it up. You know, some of the grammar is a little old fashioned. I'll call you back, Duffy. Merry Christmas. Okay. Hey, Eddie. Yes? Look, it's Christmas. Why don't you say we kind of infest the joint with a little Christmas flavor? We've just put some mistletoes around and some holly wreaths. Huh?

[Eddie]

Oh, we've practically got a holly wreath already. The customers at the bar is turning red and the ones that just finished eating are turning green.

[Archie]

Eddie, will you cut out the whiz?

[Narrator / Announcer]

Me?

[Archie]

I'm serious. Now, what could we do to make the joint a little more Christmassy?

[Eddie]

We could get a nice snow effect by whitewashing the sawdust.

[Archie]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Eddie]

Sure, and I could trot around under the table with a little cask of brandy tied around my neck.

[Ms. Duffy]

Yeah.

[Archie]

Yeah, that'd be cute. Like one of them St. Bernstein dogs. Good old Christmas set. By the way, I wonder what Duffy is gonna give us for Christmas this year.

[Eddie]

Yeah, I wonder. You know, I kinda got my heart set on to Hope Diamond.

[Archie]

You hope, you hope, you hope. What'd he give you in last year again?

[Eddie]

Monogrammed dustpan.

[Archie]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. I remember that.

[Eddie]

Yeah, it makes a nice set with the monogram broom he gave me the year before.

[Archie]

Now, look, Eddie, don't be bitter after Royal Duppy ain't really such a bad guy.

[Eddie]

No, he ain't such a bad gu. No, no, no, no. Well, so long. This is where I get off.

[Archie]

Addie, you better remember that Christmas dinner he gave us last year. The celery and the chestnuts and the cranberries and the COVID jars. Hey was kidding. That big whole roast pig with the apple in its mouth. Hello, Flanagan. Where's the apple? What apple, Skipper? It's just a little picture you happen to conjure into my mind. Anyways, Merry Christmas to you, Finnegan.

[Clifton Finnegan]

And Merry Christmas to you. Watch. By the way, that brings up a subject.

[Archie]

What?

[Clifton Finnegan]

I'd like to ask you a question.

[Archie]

What's the question?

[Clifton Finnegan]

Well, promise me you'll tell me the truth.

[Archie]

I promise.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Okay. Uh, is there a chance of Claus?

[Archie]

Well, bless your heart, Finnegan. What brought this, Doc?

[Clifton Finnegan]

I was over to Macy's this morning, and on the fifth floor there was a tall, skinny Santa Claus. And I got down to the third floor and there's a short, fat Santa Claus. Frankly, I'm beginning to smell a rat. Now tell me, will you?

[Archie]

Look, I. I don't want to be no stool pigeon. I'd rather you'd ask somebody else.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Who am I gonna ask, Arch? You asked me little brother Wilford, and he says there ain't no chain of clothes. But what does he know? He's only a child.

[Archie]

Look, you put me in a very bad position.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Well, you gotta tell me, Arch. I'm old enough to know, and I'm gonna find out sooner or later anyway.

[Archie]

Finnegan, please. I'd rather that somebody.

[Clifton Finnegan]

O. You told me about the stork, didn't you? Believe me, this is important to me.

[Archie]

Well, why? Why is it so important?

[Clifton Finnegan]

Well, I ain't smart enough to keep a job. I can't read. I can't write. I don't like girls. If there's no Santa Claus, what have I got to live for.

[Archie]

Well, okay, Finnegan, you asked for it. You see, this Santa Claus thing started well, you see there's the birds and the bees and the flowers and. Finnegan, turn your eyes to yard away, will you? That's better. Now, you asked me if there's a Santa Claus. So prepare yourself, Finnegan.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Oh, I have Arch. I can take it.

[Archie]

I. Finnegan, there is no.

[Clifton Finnegan]

No truth.

[Archie]

To the rumor that there is no Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Oh boy, what a load up in me mind. Santa Claus. Did you come in?

[Archie]

These are adults. Hello.

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[Archie]

Oh, just a second, Eddie. Is your girlfriend Sonia Jones?

[Eddie]

Oh my. The first official sign of Christmas.

[Josh Whalen]

Hello?

[Eddie]

Oh, hello, Sonya. Merry Christmas, huh?

[Narrator / Announcer]

Sure.

[Eddie]

I love you. Sugar, what you doing? Are you alone, baby? Ain't that a man's voice out here? Or you're listening to the news on the radio. I just. Sonya, how long has Gable Heater been calling you?

[Archie]

Honey.

[Eddie]

I'm just suspicious. Yeah, baby, I know I'm always in your heart, but honey, who's that that's always in your apartment, Huh? Merry Christmas honey. By the way, extend the seed and greetings to Gabriel Heater for me. That's bad news tonight.

[Archie]

Look, Eddie, why do you let that Sonya kick you around like this? What are you, man or your mouse?

[Eddie]

Ask the chief.

[Ms. Duffy]

Say, archie.

[Archie]

Oh, hello, Ms. Duffy. Hey, what's the matter with you today?

[Ms. Duffy]

Why?

[Archie]

Well, you look even more battered than usual.

[Ms. Duffy]

Yeah, and that's just the way I feel. Gee, Archie, those department stores are terrible. You try to get near a counter and you take your life in your hands. They push you around, tear your sock and step on your toes, gouge your eyes out.

[Archie]

Well, what were you trying to buy?

[Ms. Duffy]

Nothing. I was just browsing.

[Archie]

Well, that starts our conversation this evening on a nice idiotic basis.

[Eddie]

Yes, yes.

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, incidentally, I hear you're going to put on a Christmas show tonight.

[Archie]

Yes.

[Ms. Duffy]

Well, needless to say, you'll want me to sing.

[Archie]

On the contrary. Equally needless, You want that foghorn falsetto that off coloratura. You are not going.

[Ms. Duffy]

Now, listen here, you big ghost.

[Archie]

Look, Ms. Duffy, leave us not fight tonight. It's the Christmas season and I'm in too good a mood. In fact, I'm so happy, I'd like to kiss you. Blindfolded, of course. Okay, you can sing in the show. Mr. Melnick.

[Grainger Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Archie]

Look, we're gonna need some Christmasy background music for the show tonight. Are you equipped? We're loaded, Jackson. In what way, Phil? How are you loaded? I got a kid named Robert Maxwell.

[Eddie]

That's murder on this Christmas stuff.

[Archie]

A harp player. Harp player, huh? Good idea. Duffy will love it. It's his native music. Okay, we'll put the kid in the show.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Hey, Archie.

[Archie]

Yes, Mr. Miller?

[Narrator / Announcer]

Can you use me in the Christmas show?

[Archie]

Well, yeah. Maybe you could announce it. Give me a sample. For instance, what would you say?

[Narrator / Announcer]

Well, I don't know. Maybe something like this. Ladies and gentlemen, Duffy's Tavern takes great pleasure in presenting its Christmas show, starring that famous hair grooming preparation, Vitalis.

[Archie]

Very good. Very good. Then I suppose you had in mind a ballet maybe, where four men with tight, dry scalps dance around a bottle of Vitalis while the band plays Hair Hair to gangs.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Well, no, Archie. The orchestra would play.

[Archie]

Hear, hear.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Vitalis is almost here.

[Archie]

Very sharp. Pull up your podium and pray continue.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Well, yeah, Pretty soon now Vitalis will be back. Back to keep your dry, unruly hair well groomed and without that plaster down. Patent leather shy. Yes, pretty soon you'll be able to use Vitalis and the 60 second workout to loosen your tight, dry scalp. Route loose Dandruff and help prevent excessive falling hair. Shortages will soon be relieved, and then you'll be able to get original genuine vitalis, the hair grooming preparation that's been the standby of so many men for so long.

[Archie]

Okay, Eddie, we're all set now. Give me that bung starter. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, as yous all know, each year we present our centennial Christmas show. Now, that moment has just become right. So I want you all to enjoy the show, applaud when you like, be merry, have laughs. In other words, feel free to vent your spleen in any way you wish. So, without no further ado, leave us on with the show. Carry on, Mr. Miller.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Thank you. Duffy's tavern brings you Christmas music, Christmas drama.

[Ms. Duffy]

But Santa Claus. Suppose my husband comes home and finds you here.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Christmas humor.

[Ms. Duffy]

Do you think we will have a white Christmas, darling?

[Archie]

Well, it will if it don't rain, dear. And now, on with the show. For our first act this evening, we give you that beloved little entertainer, your waiter and mine, Eddie green. To know him is to tip him. Take it, Eddie.

[Eddie]

Ah, you better watch out, you better not cry better not pot I'm telling you why Santa claus is coming coming on down to harlemtown oh, my head. And you got to find out who's naughty or nice Santa claus is comin with his bag full of jive Mr. Five by Five sees you when you're sleeping and he knows how good you've been so if you meet him face to face say solid old man give me some skin he got no reindeers, ain't got no sweat but he's on his way and he's coming instead.

[Archie]

Thank you. Thank you very much, Eddie green. Now for our next act, we reach into our Christmas grab bag. And what do we pull out? None other than Mr. Robert Maxwell's the world's greatest harvest. Okay, Robert, take a son of meliside with a rape beat hubcap and send us salad with that old riff raff sad sack kid. Okay, take it away, Robert.

[Eddie]

Sam. Huh?

[Archie]

Well, Duffy, you got to give the guy credit. He plays the thing with his bare hands.

[Clifton Finnegan]

What?

[Archie]

Mrs. Duffy says she would like to have a little more Christmas schmaltz. Huh? Okay, boss. Look, Matty, can the kid jive out a little more dig beat with a rip on his schmaltz side? What? I see I'm talking to a square stuffy. Says he would like something a little more befitting to the occasion of the season. Well, how about white Christmas? Okay, let him chop it away in a Gut bucket.

[Ms. Duffy]

It's.

[Eddie]

Terrific.

[Archie]

Robert Maxwell. And incidentally, if that thing ever has any little ukuleles, name one after me. We may have to continue our cruise down Santa Claus Lane. We next hear from that great singing duet, Clifton Finnegan. And Ms. Duffy, Better known as half a wit and a near Miss. This is Third Avenue's answer to the atomic bomb. Okay, take it away.

[Eddie]

Terrific.

[Archie]

Terrific Finnegan. And sounded like Jeanette McDonald with a half Nelson on Eddie.

[Eddie]

And now.

[Archie]

We have a surprise act for you as Mr. Marvin Miller, our genial master of ceremonies, will beleaguer us with a poem. Go right ahead, Mr. Miller.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nation people had chest colds. And that stuffed up sensation just.

[Archie]

That's Jackson. Wait a minute. I think I can finish that beer. With his sleigh full of minute Rub. Over housetops and spires came Santa Claus shouting on Bristol on Myers.

[Eddie]

Okay, okay, Mr. Mullen.

[Archie]

You may now lapse into prose, if you please.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Well, just to say that minute rub, a really modern chest rub, is wonderful. To help relieve that uncomfortable cold misery, all you do is rub minute rub on your throat, chest and back. And in a minute minute rub gets to work and starts to relieve that clogged up feeling in the nose and throat. Starts to bring a feeling of warmth to those tight sore chest muscles. And because minute rub is greaseless and stainless, it can't stain clothes or bed linen. So get a jar of minute rub and get relief from annoying cold misery the modern way. The greaseless, stainless minute rub way.

[Archie]

Okay, Mr. Miller, you may now announce the big piece of resistance.

[Narrator / Announcer]

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the Christmas Carol written by the Dickens boys, Charles and Archie. As our scene opens, we find Ebenezer Scrooge, played by Archie, preparing to go to bed in his miserable little room on Pickledilly Square. All England is a grog with yuletime spirit. But for miserable old Ebenezer Scrooge, there is no Christmas. At the moment, we find him in an ugly mood, writing in his diary.

[Archie]

Dear diary, had a pleasant day today. Bankrupted three widows, foreclosed 12 mortgages, and drove nine families out into the snow. Barefoot, of course.

[Eddie]

Oh, Mr. Scrooge. Sire.

[Archie]

Oh, it is my butler, Godfrey. What do you want, my man Godfrey?

[Eddie]

It's getting mighty cold and yet. Do you think we can afford to throw another twig on the fire?

[Archie]

Heavens to Betsy, man. You threw one on last Friday. You think these twigs grow on trees?

[Eddie]

No, but it's getting cold in here. There's icicles on the window.

[Archie]

So what? Ain't you never seen icicles on a window before?

[Eddie]

Not on the inside. Silence. Oh, before I forget. The Widow Scratch it called this morning.

[Archie]

Scratch it? Scratch it. Is she the widow of Willie Scratchet? I mean, Willie Scratchet?

[Rebel.com Announcer]

Yes.

[Eddie]

She's the one you work to death squeezing limes in your lime house. She says. She said you promised to pay her a pension of 2 pence a week.

[Archie]

Well, get rid of her, Godfrey. If I have to go around paying 2 pence a week to every widow in Wessex, I wouldn't have a pair of pence to me name. Besides, it ain't my fault that that husband of hers didn't save nothing out of what I gave him every week.

[Eddie]

But, sire, how much can one say? About 10 lashes a week.

[Archie]

By humbug.

[Eddie]

But the widow's downstairs starving, sire. Can't we at least give her a piece of bread?

[Archie]

Leave her starved and poor People is all alike. Greedy humbles. Yes, give them bread today and tomorrow they're back asking for water.

[Eddie]

Beside, this is Christmas.

[Archie]

Christmas. How I hate Christmas. Trees, presents, happy people, goodwill. I hate Christmas.

[Eddie]

But why you feel this way, S?

[Archie]

I'll tell you why, Kave. Because I am a black hearted, tight fisted, bitter, stingy old skin. Flinch. No, Duffy, not you. Me. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Godfrey, I think I shall hie me hence to bed.

[Eddie]

Very good.

[Archie]

Sour that, sire. Yes, Godfrey, I've done a hard day's dirty work today. It'll feel good to crawl in between them nice, clean sheets of newspaper. Well, good night, my man Godfrey. Good night.

[Eddie]

Siren.

[Archie]

Don't forget to blow out the twig.

[Eddie]

Yes, sire.

[Archie]

Not so hard, you fool. That twig's got to last us all day tomorrow.

[Eddie]

Sorry, sire.

[Archie]

Now to close one eye and get some sleep. Got a big day tomorrow. Gotta sprinkle banana peels on the front steps of the old lady's home. Got to remember to get them chimes made soft. And no sense in letting the neighbors hear the time for nothing.

[Eddie]

Ever needs a screw.

[Clifton Finnegan]

She.

[Eddie]

Ebenezer Scrooge, wake up.

[Archie]

Who's calling me? Who are you?

[Eddie]

I am the spirit of Christmas. I have come to show you the suffering that your stinginess is causing. I'm gonna take you to the house of the widow scratching. The next voice you hear will be that of the widow scratching herself.

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Coming, Marty.

[Ms. Duffy]

Close the door, Tim. The flies are coming in and we haven't got enough to eat ourselves.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Mommy, I am weak with hunger.

[Ms. Duffy]

I know it. My poor boy.

[Clifton Finnegan]

We got Nothing in the house. Even a crusted Swieback.

[Ms. Duffy]

Not even a herring.

[Josh Whalen]

Tim.

[Ms. Duffy]

Land sake, this floor is cold. Where are your shoes? Come on, son, speak up. Where are your shoes? Tim, stop picking that leather out of your teeth and tell me, where are your shoes? Oh, Tim. Tim, you didn't eat them.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Of course I did, Mama. I am only a little tot. My body must have nourishment. Mama, why is Ebenezer Scrooge so wicked?

[Ms. Duffy]

Oh, he isn't really wicked, son. He's just socially maladjusted. He hates to part with a buck.

[Clifton Finnegan]

Oh, yeah? Well, I still say it's wicked of him to starve a little boy like me to death.

[Eddie]

Did you hear that, Ebenezer Scrooge? You have caused all this suffering with your stinginess.

[Archie]

Spirit, you got me dead to rights all of a sudden. I Behold how low I have sank.

[Eddie]

Well, Ebenezer, what are you going to do about it?

[Archie]

I'm going to give £50,000 to Tiny Tim and Mrs. Scratchit. And the rest of my money I will give to nothing but orphan asylums. Every one of them from Essex to Wessex, from Wessex to Sussex, and as far north as Norsex. And I want to thank you, spirit of Christmas. You have lighted up the way for me. You have learned me that it is better to give than to receive. Hello, Mrs. Duffy. Huh? He's over in the corner, crying like a baby. Oh, get him over to the phone. We'll try to cheer him up. Come on, let's sing him a song. Hello?

[Eddie]

Hello, Duffy?

[Archie]

What? Stop crying, will you? Well, I know, and we love you, too. But Christmas ain't supposed to be sad. Duffy, cheer up. Christmas is supposed to be gay. It's hollyweights and Santa Claus and Prancer and Dancer and Dunder and Pilsner and. And Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all.

[Eddie]

The way oh, what fun it is to ride in the horse open slide.

[Archie]

Just a second. Hey, does that make you feel better, Duffy?

[Eddie]

Huh?

[Archie]

What a Duffy. He's crying harder than ever.

[Narrator / Announcer]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to leave Duffy Tavern for this evening. But let's meet here again at this same time next Friday night. In the meantime, if you have a cold, remember minute rub. And for well groomed hair, remember Vitalis. Did you know this? The Egyptians of long ago shaved themselves with seashell. Yes, and shell razors must have been mighty hard on a man's face. Of course, even today, with the most modern razors, shaving can still be painful for men with tender faces. But now there's Ingram Shaving Cream. That rich Ingram Lather helps condition your face for the razor you enjoy. Cool, soothing shaves better. Try Ingram yourself. Remember, comfort means coolness. Coolness means Ingram in G R A M Ingram, the cooler shaving cream.

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[Josh Whalen]

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