Duffy's Tavern 1946-05-24 (210) Guest Roy Rogers

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Duffy’s Tavern 1946-05-24 (210) Guest Roy Rogers

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date (Original Air): May 24, 1946
Episode Date (Podcast): September 7, 2025

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Overview

This episode of Duffy’s Tavern is a comedic, tongue-in-cheek tour of the American West, kicking off with Archie learning he has inherited a saloon in Las Vegas. With plenty of wisecracks about travel, cowboy life, and mistaken geography, the gang sets off towards Las Vegas for an adventure that eventually brings them face-to-face with the legendary singing cowboy, Roy Rogers. Throughout, the show spoofs popular Western tropes while maintaining its signature banter, wordplay, and lovable characters.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Highlights

1. Archie's Inheritance and Departure

• Archie calls Duffy to announce he's inherited a Las Vegas saloon, prompting plans for a westward trip (00:07).
• The dialogue lampoons Western clichés (“where men are men and the women wouldn’t have it any other way”—Archie, 00:08).
• Archie tries to describe distance and geography to Eddie with hilarious inaccuracies (00:20–00:39).

2. Preparing for the Journey

• Archie and the gang poke fun at their “jalopy” of a car, with jokes about its many dysfunctions, including burned-out “wicks” on the headlights (02:07).

• Archie demonstrates his confusion about driving and car maintenance:

  “You step on the starter and then you grind the valve... stick your left hand out when you go left and your right hand out when you go right.”
  —Archie, (03:23–04:09)

• Finnegan tries to count to eleven:

  “How about 11?”
  “Never heard of it.”
  —Archie & Finnegan, (06:43)

3. On the (Wrong) Road to Las Vegas

• The group’s bumbling navigation takes them past Montreal and Tallahassee—far off the Las Vegas route (09:52–10:23).
• Eddie: “I got a feeling we’re going north.” (09:52)

4. Arriving and Rebranding the Saloon

• The inherited saloon is a dump, but Archie spins it as an opportunity to give it a “Western atmosphere,” suggesting names like “Duffy’s Dump” and “Duffy’s Do Dump” (15:02–15:18).
• Archie and Eddie brainstorm ideas for making the tavern “Western,” including branding the free lunch for “salami rustlers” (15:43).

5. Roy Rogers Enters

• Archie greets Roy Rogers with exaggerated cowboy bravado:

  “My name is Two Gun Archie and I shoot from the hip.”
  —Archie, (17:00)

• Roy parries back, instantly recognizing Archie’s bluff:

  “Well, now I know you. You’re Harry the Hipster’s nephew, aren’t you?”
  —Roy Rogers, (17:13)

• Roy regales the gang with why Archie’s uncle was “hung”—he “violated the code of the West” by “saying a discouraging word.”
  —Roy Rogers, (17:47)

6. Tall Tales and Western Spoofs

• Archie boasts of having 9,000 steers on his Arizona ranch in Albuquerque, confusing states and cities.
• He claims a cowboy’s toughest task:

  “What a job it was to milk them every morning!” —Archie, (19:00)

7. Business Ventures with Roy

• Archie pitches opening a gambling joint but, after Roy’s hesitation, tries to sell him on a “fish and chips joint”—where “50 for the fish and 50 for the chips” simply means Roy should put up all the money (22:35–22:47).

• Roy:

  “You mean that tired looking herring?”
  —(25:41)

• Eddie objects to Archie’s antics:

  “He only drinks Coca Cola. You think he’s gonna back a gambling joint?”
  —Eddie, (22:11)

8. Climactic Showdown — Western Satire

• Archie tries to play the tough guy but folds quickly in a comedic “shootout” with Roy Rogers using blank cartridges (26:37–28:01).

• Archie melodramatically feigns his own “death,” with Finnegan checking for bleeding:

  “How come you ain’t bleeding?”
  —Finnegan, (27:45)

• Roy reveals it was only a blank cartridge:

  “That lid was a blank cartridge.”
  —Roy Rogers, (28:05)

• Archie, crestfallen but enlightened:

  “You learned me a big lesson tonight. I now know that it takes more than a gun and a horse to be a Roy Rogers.” —Archie, (28:13)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Archie on Western Geography:

  “You know where 9th Avenue is. And then as the Hudson river this is even wester.”
  (00:11)

• On Outlandish Cowboy Gear:

  “Check them high heeled jodhoppers.”
  —Archie, (08:14)

• On the “Code of the West":

  “He did a forgivable, unforgivable thing, son. He violated the code of the West.” —Roy Rogers, (17:47)

• On Western Hospitality:

  “You all look like a stranger in these yellow parts. Pull up a saddlebag and rest your corral.”
  —Archie, (16:21)

• On Toughness:

  “When I have to be, I’m so tough even me weighs hate the sound of each other.”
  —Archie, (26:21)

• Archie’s Grudging Admiration:

  "I’d like to be more like you. Could you introduce me to that casting director over at Republic?" —Archie, (28:13)

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Important Segments with Timestamps

• Departure Plans & Jokes about the West: 00:07–04:11
• Packing and Misunderstandings: 07:00–09:00
• The “Road Trip” (Geography Gags): 09:52–10:23
• Arriving at the Saloon: 14:21–15:18
• Roy Rogers’ Entrance & Duel of Wits: 16:23–18:03
• Tall Tales & Bravado: 18:18–19:32
• The Gambler’s Business Venture: 21:00–22:47
• Fish & Chips Double-Cross: 25:33–25:41
• Comedic Showdown & Resolution: 26:06–28:13

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Tone and Style

The episode embraces classic vaudeville and slapstick routines, Western satire, and rapid-fire wisecracks. Archie’s bravado is comically outsized, Roy Rogers' calm persona delivers deadpan punchlines, and sidekicks like Eddie and Finnegan provide a stream of one-liners and physical gags.

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A rollicking journey of puns, mishaps, and Western send-ups, this episode is a prime example of Duffy's Tavern at its postwar comedic peak, aided by the star power and gentle humor of Roy Rogers.

Transcript

[A]

Duffy's Tavern. Where do you leave me to eat? Aren't you to mind you speakin?

[B]

Duffy ain't here.

[A]

Oh, hello, Duffy. Guess what? Me uncle just died and left me a saloon in Las Vegas. Yeah, well, that's southwest, Duffy, where men are men and the women wouldn't have it any other way. What'll I do in a place where men are men? Well, Duffy, I'm hoping in my case they'll make an exception. How far west is it? Well, you know where 9th Avenue is. And then as the Hudson river this is even wester. I understand that it's a big week out there. What they call hel Dorado Week. Helldorado. Well, dorado means gold. And you think I should go, huh? And you'd like me to take Mrs. Duffy along? What, Duff, huh? I could drop her off somewheres in the middle West. Duffy, there ain't enough room in the west for that middle. Now look, leave us not Argy. I'll see you when you get back from the west. Okay. Part grandiose. Well, Eddie, Old pard. What is this old pard Pard? It's a western time. Like two peas in a pod, you know. Well, I guess we're ready to go. Looks like we can kiss Duffy and this tavern goodbye.

[C]

Kiss?

[A]

Du.

[B]

Well, somehow it don't sound quite sanitary, huh? Hey, you ain't gonna try to get to Las Vegas and that broken down jalopy you bought?

[A]

What's wrong with that car?

[B]

Well, in the first place, it's got a windshield wiper but no windshield. Number two, the top is down, but it ain't a convertible. And number three, there's a little trouble with the headlights.

[A]

What's wrong with them?

[B]

The wicks have burned out. Boy, that car sure must have been in a bad accident.

[A]

An accident? What do you mean?

[B]

Well, if it wasn't an accident, somebody sure must have done a lot to it on purpose.

[A]

Eddie, that was one of the best cars on a used car lot when Gilhooly sold it to me.

[D]

Who?

[A]

Gilhooly, the laughing Latvian. He. He said that it was formerly owned by a very wealthy old lady and she only had one minor accident with her. A minor, huh? Yeah, it seems she was a little deep and didn't hear the engineer blowing his whistle. Besides, if anything does go wrong with this car, don't forget I used to work for Helbig's garage, you know.

[B]

But you worked there when it was a livery stable.

[A]

Stop being technical. After all, horsepower is horsepower. And believe me, Eddie, I know me Automobiles. When a dame walks home from an automobile ride with me, it ain't on account of engine trouble.

[B]

Well, look here, who's gonna drive this car?

[A]

Who's gonna drive it? I am.

[B]

But you never drove a car before.

[A]

So what? I have average intelligence, haven't I, Eddie? I have some intelligence, haven't I, Eddie? Dames drive cars, don't they? What's the to it? Only a couple of things you got to remember. You step on the starter and then you grind the valve. Grind the valves? Well, naturally. Then you release the generator, choke the clutch, put your feet up on a dashboard and you're off. And all you have to remember after you get going is to stick your left hand out when you go left and your right hand out when you go right.

[B]

Well, what happens when you go in straight ahead?

[A]

You stick both hands out.

[B]

Well, that's a nice bevel may care attitude.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

How far is this Las Vegas anyhow?

[A]

How far is it? Well, as I understand, it's as the crow flies. About 2000 miles. By road, it's about 1800.

[D]

Yeah, but.

[B]

Tell me this. How come it shorter by road than the way the crow flies?

[A]

Well, Eddie, the road is on the ground, you see, with the crow, you gotta subtract the difference that it takes him to go up in the air and come down again.

[B]

Dad. Look at you, mister. By the way, what are we gonna use for money when we get out to Las Vegas?

[A]

Well, I'm taking along some traveler's checks.

[B]

You mean the kind you cash and start traveling?

[A]

Eddie, after I cash a check, I don't have to travel.

[B]

Ah, you mean you stay in one place for a long time?

[A]

Look, Eddie, don't worry about the money on this trip. We got worse things to worry about. Oh, hello, Finnegan. I'm glad you dropped in. You're just in time to say goodbye. Goodbye, Art. Goodbye, Finnegan.

[D]

By the way, where am I going?

[A]

You ain't going no place. Then why am I saying goodbye, Finnegan? I'm saying goodbye. I'm going to Las Vegas, Nevada.

[D]

Oh, Nevada. Boy, that's the place for me.

[A]

Arch, why would you do in Nevada?

[D]

I'd get a divorce.

[A]

But you ain't even married.

[D]

I know, but, Arch, I don't believe in renting until the last minute.

[A]

Well, I hate to disappoint you, Finnegan, but I ain't taking you with me.

[D]

But, Arch, who's going?

[A]

Well, just me and Eddie and Pierre the dog.

[D]

Pierre the dog. Archie, why are you taking him? What cheek got that on your Gut.

[A]

Well, for one thing. Please.

[D]

You want a bet? Hey, watch Burger, George.

[A]

Well, me deceased uncle left me a salon.

[D]

Well, tuck me along and I'll be the cashier.

[A]

The cashier? You don't even know how to count.

[B]

Oh, no.

[D]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

[A]

How about 11? Never heard of it. Finnegan, does your brain always come up a double O? Look, we'll take you with us, okay? Just to stop the argument now, leave.

[E]

A C. I say, lucky.

[A]

Oh, yes. Ms. Duffy, are you going to take.

[E]

Me out west with you?

[A]

Now, the west ain't no place for you. That's a man's country. There's 500 men out there for every woman.

[E]

Oh, well, that's what I like. A nice, even distribution.

[A]

But that's what them men like, too. A nice, even distribution. And that's what you ain't got. Ms. Duffy.

[B]

Ms. Archer. I was just reading in the newspaper that Roy Rogers is out there in Las Vegas making a movie for Republic Studios.

[E]

Oh, Archie, now you gotta take me. Oh, what a man. That big bronze body and. Oh, and those steely eyes and iron muscles.

[A]

And the iron muscles. I hope the guy never gets caught in the rain. He sounds like he'd rust to death. Now look, Ms. Duffy, I gotta get going. Hey, Eddie. Yes, sir? You got me clothes all packed? Yes, leave us checkered. Now, you got the leather sport chaps. Check them high heeled jodhoppers.

[B]

Check.

[A]

Checkered shirt.

[C]

Check.

[A]

Make it a little louder, Eddie.

[B]

You can't get a check much louder than this.

[A]

Cut out the whiz, me. Now, let's see. You got me silver handled belt. Check me spurs. Check me silk handkerchief.

[B]

Now that I ain't got.

[A]

Well, Eddie, I gotta have something for around me neck.

[B]

Don't worry, they'll think of something when you get out there.

[A]

Well, okay, I guess we got about everything then.

[D]

Ain't you gonna miss the tavern?

[A]

Yeah, Anthony, it's gonna seem a long way away, but that's kismet. Well, goodbye, old Moosehead. Goodbye, old chuck wagon. Goodbye, old boots and saddles.

[E]

Ain't you gonna say goodbye to me?

[A]

Sorry. Goodbye, old paint. Take good care of the place. Hey, this car don't ride so bad at that, does it?

[D]

I don't know, Arch. It's kind of bumpy sitting on this rear fender.

[A]

Finnegan, this car ain't got a fender.

[D]

No wonder me pants are smoking.

[A]

Oh, sorry, Finnegan. I'll turn off the exhaust.

[D]

What?

[A]

It's a thing you turn off when you're exhausted. Boy, we must be a long way out of New York. Now, let's see that map. Hmm. Montreal. Way back. Guess we're on the right road.

[B]

I don't know. I got a feeling we're going north.

[A]

Eddie, turn the map a little more sideways. See, it takes us through Montreal. Tallahassee, Florida, and Greensboro, North Carolina. Means near Cincinnati. Boy, this is a big country, ain't it?

[D]

Hey, Art, one of them lakes over there.

[A]

Lakes? Where? Over there, Finnegan. Them ain't no lakes. They are what are known out here in the west as mirages.

[D]

Mirages?

[A]

Yeah, first you see them and then you don't.

[D]

Oh, like a bilacio.

[A]

A healthy comparison. By the way, them trees over there is what is known as catkas. Trees. Oh, catkus, huh? Yeah. What are the little ones? Josh, that stage brush, it was originally invented by Zane Gray. Wait a minute. I think we're coming into a town here. Hey, what does that sign say over there?

[B]

Is that the Red Rooster?

[D]

Well.

[A]

What do you think of that? We're finally in Las Vegas.

[D]

Yeah. Ram.

[A]

Well, this must be the place my uncle left me. Eddie, leave us. Go in and see what it looks like inside. Oh, my Death Valley. Yeah, it is a little on the dusty side, but maybe it'll be all right as soon as we clean out some of the dirt.

[B]

What do you. What do you recommend? Blasting or once over lightly with a bulldozer?

[A]

Look, you just know what I tell you. Wait a minute. Maybe it'd be better not to clean it up. Maybe we ought to take advantage of the dirt and give it, you know, some crummy name like Sloppy Joe's or the greasy spoon.

[B]

How about Duffy's Tavern?

[A]

Well, that's close. How about Duffy's Dump? No, that's a little too low class.

[B]

How about Duffy's Do Dump?

[A]

Duffy's Do Dump, Eddie, that's it.

[B]

You mean I do it?

[A]

How'd you ever think of it?

[B]

I guess I got a skeleton in my closet.

[A]

Well, at any rate, I think we got a great idea. Now, all we need is a little Western atmosphere.

[B]

You mean little innovations like washing the dishes with saddle soap or taking the panties off the lamb chops and putting chaps on them?

[A]

Yeah, you know, things like that. Maybe we could put a brand on the free lunch in case there's any salami rustlers in the joint. And I think maybe we could make ourselves look a little more Western if we lowered that ceiling, Eddie.

[B]

Lowered the ceiling?

[A]

Yeah, it'll force us to walk a little more bow legged. Ah, my, that's I am telling you.

[B]

This is something that horse really would.

[A]

Have to open his big mouth. Wait a minute, Eddie. Here comes a customer. Howdy, partner. You all look like a stranger in these yellow parts. Pull up a saddlebag and rest your corral. Well.

[C]

Now, just a second, bud. What part of the east are you from?

[A]

Brother, them spiting words. When you call me an Easterner, smile.

[C]

I'll go you one better.

[A]

I'll laugh out loud. Wait a minute. What's your handle? Pod?

[C]

I'm Roy Rogers.

[B]

Roy Rogers.

[A]

Well, Roy, welcome to the West. Well, Roy, how do you like this place? I just took it over from my uncle, you know.

[C]

Well, what was your uncle? A gopher?

[A]

Listen, Roy, I reckon when you make a remark like that, you don't reckon who you're reckoning with. I reckon my name is Two Gun Archie and I shoot from the hip.

[C]

Well, now I know you. You're who? Well, you're Harry the hipster's nephew, aren't you?

[A]

Well, sure, but Roy, I'm amazed. You mean you knew my uncle?

[C]

Of course. I was with him when he died.

[A]

You was, huh?

[C]

Mm.

[A]

What was it? Hart?

[C]

Nope. Nick.

[A]

They.

[C]

They dropped him through a trap door.

[A]

You mean he was hung? What for?

[C]

Well, he. He did a forgivable, unforgivable thing, son. He violated the code of the West.

[A]

He violated the code of the West? What did he do?

[C]

He said a discouraging word.

[A]

Well, if he did that, he had it coming to him, the honorary critter.

[D]

Well.

[A]

I guess I better write a letter back home to the ranch and tell them what happened to them.

[C]

Oh, you have a ranch?

[A]

Where'd you think I learned to steer bulldogs? Of course I got a ranch.

[C]

Well, where is this ranch?

[A]

Well, in the west, naturally.

[C]

Where in the west?

[A]

Arizona.

[C]

What city?

[A]

Albuquerque.

[C]

Well, just a second. That's in New Mexico.

[A]

New Mex. You're probably thinking of Albuquerque.

[C]

Now wait a minute, son. You don't happen to be talking about Albuquerque, do you?

[A]

Dad, I never heard of.

[C]

Say, tell me, how many head of cattle did you have on this ranch?

[A]

What's that?

[C]

How many head of cattle did you have on this ranch?

[A]

How many head? What are you talking about? We had the whole animal. 9,000 of them. 9,000 steers. And brother, what a job that was to milk them every morning. But wait a minute. What am I doing standing here talking about myself like an honorary pool cat? Eddie, bring us a drink.

[B]

Yes. Well, what do you have?

[A]

Make mine ten fingers of rye.

[C]

Ten fingers?

[A]

Son, I'm a two fisted drinker. What'll you have, Roy?

[C]

Make mine Coca Cola.

[A]

Well, then maybe I'll make mine a Coke too. Yes.

[C]

You.

[A]

You.

[B]

You gentlemen take them straight or would you like them barbecued?

[A]

We'll take them straight, Eddie. And incidentally, that word is not. It's barbuki. Now, Roy, where was I? Finnegan, where you been? I've been looking for you.

[D]

I got caught in a crap game.

[A]

A crap game? You mean they allow gambling in Las Vegas? Did you win any money?

[D]

Are you kidding?

[B]

Good. A guy was betting me I couldn't.

[D]

Make a 10 the hard way.

[A]

The hard way? The two fives. Huh?

[D]

Two fives. The crook, he told me the hard way was a seven and a three.

[A]

Finnegan, you know, you're the only guy in Las Vegas with a 10 gallon hat and a one pint head.

[D]

Well, thanks, John. Hey, wait a minute. This guy.

[A]

This is Roy Rogers.

[D]

Well, introduce me.

[A]

Okay. Roy, I know in your pictures you have faced death many times. I'd like you to meet Clifton Finnegan.

[D]

How do you do?

[C]

Well, I'm glad to know you, Mr. Finnegan.

[B]

Thanks.

[D]

Look, there's something I always wanted to ask you. In them pictures of yours, how come you never kissed?

[C]

Day 11 well, a big part of my audience is made up of young folks and they don't seem to like kissing.

[A]

Oh, no.

[D]

You ought to sit up in the balcony sometime.

[A]

Look, Finnegan, I've been thinking. I'd like to talk to you. Will you excuse us a second, Roy?

[C]

Oh, certainly.

[A]

Finnegan, at this place, when you were shooting crap, was there a big crowd?

[D]

Oh, certainly, Arch. Them gambling joints make a fortune.

[A]

Yeah, they do, huh?

[B]

Mr. Archer, you ain't thinking about opening?

[A]

What else, Eddie? We'll put in roulette wheels, dice table, slot machines, poker chips.

[B]

How about blackjack?

[A]

We'll only use them if necessary.

[B]

Well, Lydia, who gonna put up the money for all this equipment?

[A]

Who's gonna put up the money? Roy Rogers. Who else? Not.

[C]

Just a minute.

[B]

You heard the man say he only drinks Coca Cola. You think he's gonna back a gambling joint?

[A]

I'll find a way. Say, Roy. Roy, do you think that a nice quiet little fish and chips place would go in this town?

[C]

Well, let's see. I think it might do pretty good.

[A]

Well, why couldn't joint into a fish and chips joint, Roy, it only cost about 100 bucks and we could go 50. 50?

[C]

You mean I put up 50 and you put up 50?

[A]

No, you put up 100.

[C]

Well, what's 50?

[A]

50.

[C]

About that.

[A]

Well, it's obvious. 50 for the fish and 50 for the chips.

[C]

Now just a second, sir.

[A]

Okay, Roy, thank you very much. It's a pleasure to have you as me partner.

[C]

Well, okay, but where are we going to get the fish and chips?

[A]

Well, there's plenty of places around here to get chips. What about the fish? Well, that might be a little tougher. You know them things ain't easy to catch out here on the desert. It.

[D]

Hey Dodge, where'd you get all them chips?

[A]

Eddie dug them up.

[D]

Boy in that room left with.

[B]

Hey, what's that thing on top of it?

[A]

It looks like a reg. That is what is known in this country as a croupier. In Monte Carlo they're known as shills.

[B]

Hey, but what's Mr. Rogers gonna say when he find out how you spent his money?

[A]

Eddie, I promised him fish and chips, didn't I?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you get that herring like I told you?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well then he's getting fish and chips, ain't he?

[B]

Yeah, but I'm afraid he ain't gonna like it.

[A]

So what you think I'm afraid of a movie cowboy? Now wait a minute. Here he comes now. Well, Roy, how do you like the place?

[C]

Well, just a second. You told me this was gonna be a fish and chip place.

[A]

Well, there they are, right there's the chips. And over there that's the fish.

[C]

You mean that tired looking herring?

[A]

What do you expect for a hundred bucks, a trained seal? Now look, Roy.

[C]

Just a second, partner. I'm afraid we're gonna have a little trouble.

[A]

Trouble, huh? Now look here, you Beverly Hills Buffalo Bill. Maybe you don't know it, but you're dealing with a rattlesnake.

[D]

Did you call me?

[A]

No, but as long as you're here, Finnegan, I'd like you to tell this varmint how tough I really can be.

[D]

Okay, Mr. Rogers, this guy is so tough that he drinks rock and Roy.

[C]

Well, what's so tough about that?

[A]

They're real rocks. When I have to be, I'm so tough that even me weighs hate the sound of each other.

[C]

Well, I can't say that I blame them for that.

[A]

You don't, partner. I'm afraid them's fighting words.

[B]

Put em up. Look out Arch, he's got a gun.

[A]

Ouch.

[D]

Oh, what a dirty trick. Oh, Arch. Arch, did he get you?

[A]

Yep. Finnegan, I'm afraid he outdrew me. Well, I guess this is the end of the rope.

[D]

Oh, don't say that.

[A]

It's true, Finnegan. I'm on my way to the happy hunting grounds. To that little ranch house in the sky. Well, Eddie. So long, old man. So long. I hate to leave you, Eddie. You're as far and square a man as I've ever met. But I'll see up there where the hand clasp is a little stronger. Your last words? Not yet, Finnegan. In closing, I would like to say that you, Roy Rogers, I forgive. At least you was man enough to shoot me with me boots on. Better get closer, fellas. Me eyes are starting to get a little dim. That's it. Make a circle around me.

[D]

Hey, look, Arch, how come you ain't bleeding?

[A]

I guess he just injured me internally, Finnegan.

[C]

Uh, just a second, Archie. Before you go, I'd like to say a last word to you.

[A]

You mean about that lead that you poured into me, Roy? Yes.

[C]

That lid was a blank cartridge.

[A]

Finnegan, help me out.

[D]

Now, Arch, don't start it all over again, will you?

[A]

I'm starting anything, Roy. You learned me a big lesson tonight. I now know that it takes more than a gun and a horse to be a Roy Rogers. And I'd like to be more like you. Could you introduce me to that casting director over at Republic? This program has come to you through the worldwide facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. It Sam.