Duffy's Tavern 40-07-29 (xxx) Audition Show

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duffy's Tavern 40-07-29 (xxx) Audition Show

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Duffy's Tavern 40-07-29 (xxx) Audition Show
• Release Date: January 30, 2025
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: This episode transports listeners to the Golden Age of Radio, recreating the lively atmosphere of a bustling tavern where colorful characters gather to share laughs, stories, and music.

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Introduction

"Duffy's Tavern" is a classic radio show set in a cozy tavern owned by the enigmatic Duffy. The 40-07-29 episode, titled "Audition Show," serves as an audition broadcast aimed at showcasing the show's potential if it becomes a regular weekly feature. The episode is rich with humor, engaging character interactions, and nostalgic references to the era's radio entertainment.

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Main Characters

• Archie: The witty and somewhat sardonic bartender who manages the tavern in Duffy's absence. He serves as the central figure, interacting with various patrons and handling the tavern's dynamics.

• Duffy: The elusive tavern owner, rarely seen but influential. Communicates with Archie via phone, setting the show's narrative in motion.

• Gertrude Neeson: A glamorous and outspoken singer who frequents the tavern. Her interactions often lead to comedic confrontations and spirited performances.

• Colonel Stoop Nagel: A quirky and inventive regular with a penchant for displaying his latest gadgets and sharing tall tales.

• Larry Adler: A guest appearance by the famed harmonica player, adding musical flair to the episode.

• Officer Clancy: The often-irritated local police officer who repeatedly visits the tavern, bringing tension and humor.

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Episode Breakdown

Opening Banter and Broadcast Setup [00:11 - 01:29]

The episode kicks off with Archie announcing the tavern's day's special, "Pig's Pickle Feet," and engaging in a humorous conversation with Duffy over the phone. Duffy's reluctance to join the broadcast sets the stage for the evening's events.

Archie [00:11]: "Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where the elite meat to eat special today. Pigs, pickle feet."

The introduction by Mel Allen transitions listeners into the formal setting of Duffy's Tavern, highlighting expected guests like Gertrude Neeson and Colonel Stoop Nagel.

Musical Interlude and Gertrude's Entrance [01:29 - 06:10]

John Kirby and his orchestra perform their rendition of "Royal Garden Blues," subtly mocking the performance with a high piccolo note only audible to dogs.

Archie [01:29]: "We take great pride in presenting them great musicians, John Kirby and his high schoolians."

Gertrude Neeson arrives, sparking tension as Archie reveals Duffy's complaints about her interactions with another patron, Mr. Feldover K. Beldorf.

Gertrude Neeson [05:12]: "So I said to him, Mr. Beldorf, I insist that this dinner should be Dutch. But he said he absolutely wouldn't hear of it."

Gertrude's Performance and Conflict [06:10 - 09:45]

Gertrude refuses to recite "Casey at the Bat" for Duffy but compels herself to perform a song instead. Her rendition, though spirited, receives mixed feedback from Duffy.

Gertrude Neeson [06:23]: (Sings) "When Irish eyes are smiling... Why don't you say yes in any language to me."

The ensuing conflict reveals Duffy's critical nature and Gertrude's fiery temperament, culminating in her abruptly ending the interaction with a comical exit.

Gertrude Neeson [09:04]: "If I had the wings of an angel, I'd beat your brains out with them. Goodbye."

Colonel Stoop Nagel's Antics [09:45 - 14:43]

Colonel Stoop Nagel enters with his unique shotgun, leading to a humorous exchange about its unconventional design.

Colonel Stoopnagel [11:36]: "It's what I call a sawed on shotgun... for shooting ducks who happen to be riding piggybacks."

His inventive spirit continues as he pitches a new bathroom door design and introduces his "brand new drink," which humorously turns out to be beer.

Colonel Stoopnagel [14:02]: "It's a tangy golden liquid with a frothy head on it."

Facing Duffy's demand for an Irish tenor, the Colonel reassures Archie with his own claim to the title, leading to an impromptu musical performance.

Colonel Stoopnagel [14:25]: "My boy, never despair. I, Colonel Lemuel Q. Stoopnagel, am an Irish tenor."

Two Top Gruskin's Story [22:15 - 25:39]

Archie narrates the humorous tale of Two Top Gruskin, a two-headed baseball pitcher, and his complicated marriage with Inez Harrigan.

Archie [22:56]: "When midnight comes, the judges give the first prize to the bookends... That's how he met Arnes."

The story blends absurdity with wit, highlighting the show's signature humor.

Larry Adler's Harmonicas and Duffy's Approval [16:43 - 18:55]

Mel Allen introduces Larry Adler, the renowned harmonica virtuoso, suggesting his performance might sway Duffy's preferences.

Mel Allen [16:43]: "You know Larry Adler happens to be the finest harmonica player in the world."

Larry's rendition of "Danny Boy" impresses Duffy, leading to a celebratory gesture where Duffy buys a drink for everyone.

Larry Adler [17:43]: (Plays "Danny Boy" on harmonica)

Archie [18:55]: "Well, it's true. And by the way, Nick, Duffy says close up the free lunch until the thing blows over."

Officer Clancy's Repeated Visits and Resolution [26:44 - 27:55]

Officer Clancy returns to the tavern, leading to a comedic standoff with Archie and Gertrude over tavern operations and licensing.

Officer Clancy [26:54]: "Yes, it's the last time I'll tell you to get that car away from the fire hydrant."

Gertrude interjects with a snide remark about revoking Archie’s license, further escalating the humor.

Gertrude Neeson [13:25]: "I can arrange to have your license revoked."

Finale and Musical Closer [27:55 - End]

Archie, inspired by Gertrude's comments, introduces the rendition of "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" by the fictional Irish tenor, Sea Olcott. The performance pleases Duffy, leading to heartfelt closing remarks from Archie about the tavern's community.

Sea Olcott [27:50]: (Sings) "When Irish eyes are smiling..."

Archie [28:30]: "We love you like I was our own father."

Mel Allen wraps up the audition show, encouraging listeners to support making "Duffy's Tavern" a regular feature.

Mel Allen [29:23]: "Tonight's program... is intended as a sample broadcast... Your applause will help to make Duffy's Tavern a weekly broadcast feature."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Archie [00:11]:

   "Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where the elite meat to eat special today. Pigs, pickle feet."

2. Gertrude Neeson [05:25]:

   "Oh, I did what any lady would do. I broke a plate over his head."

3. Colonel Stoopnagel [11:36]:

   "It's a sawed on shotgun... for shooting ducks who happen to be riding piggybacks."

4. Gertrude Neeson [09:45]:

   "If I had the wings of an angel, I'd beat your brains out with them. Goodbye."

5. Colonel Stoopnagel [14:02]:

   "It's a tangy golden liquid with a frothy head on it."

6. Larry Adler [17:43]:

   (Performs "Danny Boy" on harmonica)

7. Gertrude Neeson [13:25]:

   "I can arrange to have your license revoked."

8. Sea Olcott [27:50]:

   (Sings) "When Irish eyes are smiling..."

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Conclusion

"Duffy's Tavern 40-07-29 (xxx) Audition Show" successfully captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio through its vibrant characters, witty dialogue, and engaging storytelling. The episode balances humor with heartfelt moments, offering a glimpse into the potential charm of the tavern's regular broadcasts. Listeners are left entertained and eager for more, with the promise of recurring characters and delightful performances cementing "Duffy's Tavern" as a beloved radio staple.

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Remember: This episode is an audition broadcast intended to showcase what "Duffy's Tavern" could offer as a regular feature. Your support and feedback are crucial in bringing this nostalgic radio experience to a wider audience.

Transcript

[Archie]

Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where the elite meat to eat special today. Pigs, pickle feet. Archie, speak. And Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello, Duffy. Yes.

[Duffy]

Oh, yeah.

[Archie]

Must be three or four customers here already. Hear that, Duffy? You're in business again. Listen, Duffy, you picked out a very bad time to call up. Yeah, we're just going to go on the air for a broadcast. Now, wait a minute, Duffy. Don't get all excited. It ain't costing a cent. No, the network's doing it for prestige. Well, now, now, Duffy, I can't. Brandy words with you. Now, we're just going on the air, I'm telling you. Goodbye, Duffy. I'll see you later.

[Mel Allen]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Mel Allen. Forecast invites you to join us for a decidedly impressive formal evening at Duffy's Tavern, where anyone under the sun is likely to drop in anytime to talk things over with Archie. Almost anyone may drop in tonight. Now, people we're sure will be around, however, are Gertrude Neeson, Colonel Stoop Nagel, Larry Adler and John Kirby's orchestra. And now I turn you over to that past master of ceremonies, Archie.

[Archie]

Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the voice of Duffy's Tavern speaking. Formerly Stuffy Bar and Grill and still owned by the same proprietorship. And we take great pride in presenting them great musicians, John Kirby and his high schoolians. They offered their own version of Royal Garden Blues. You will note that in the second chorus, the piccolo player hits a note so high that it can only be heard by a dog. Mr. Curtis. Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where do you eat meat to eat the special today? Pig's pickle feet. Oh, hello, boss. Hey, how'd you like Kirby's band? They what, Duffy? They do not. Well, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah. What is it, archie? It's Duffy, Mr. Kirby. He says he thinks your band is great. All right, Duffy. I know. Can't tell a guy that, though. You don't understand artists, Duffy. You know, they're much more insensible than you and me. You gotta tolerate them. Ah, but, Duffy, you haven't liked nothing since Chauncey all got cracked up on Mother McCrae. You live in a graveyard full of Irish tenants. Wait a minute, Duffy. Gertrude Neeson. No floor show. Just walked in. What? All right, I'll tell her. I'll speak to you later. Good evening, Ms. Neeson.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Hi, Archie.

[Archie]

I say, Ms. Neeson, I hate to. You know, I hate to bury sleeping dogs, but Duffy has been complaining about you.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Oh, what's the old Novocaine brain squawking about now.

[Archie]

Well, he claims you insulted his best customer, Mr. Feldover K. Beldorf was. You went to dinner with Beldorf last night?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Yes, and I'll never go out with that crumb again. You know what happened? He asked me to go out to dinner last night, so I go with him. Well, you know how I never like a strange man to pay for my meal?

[Archie]

Yeah, I know.

[Gertrude Neeson]

So I said to him, Mr. Beldorf, I insist that this dinner should be Dutch. But he said he absolutely wouldn't hear of it.

[Archie]

Well, that's nice.

[Gertrude Neeson]

He said I had to pay for him, too.

[Archie]

That's that Beldorf. So, what did you do?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Oh, I did what any lady would do. I broke a plate over his head.

[Archie]

What else could you do?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Well, frankly, it's man to man. Do you think that breaking a plate of soup over a guy's head should be construed as an insult?

[Archie]

No, but Phil Dorp's a little hypersensitive. Don't like those things. I'll explain it to Duffy, though. By the way, Duffy ain't never heard them golden tones of yours, Ms. Neeson. You know, I've told him about you being a great star in the movies and the radio. And when I mentioned that you have been on the stage, he says he had one request.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Look, Archie, even to please Duffy, I will not recite Casey at the Bat.

[Archie]

Well, all right, then. Would you mind rendering the customers with a song?

[Gertrude Neeson]

All right. I'll do something especially for Mr. Duffy. Does he, Roomba?

[Archie]

An amusing question, Ms. Neeson. Proceed ahead.

[Duffy]

Is a little knowledge quite good. Maybe it won't help you, but it should.

[Gertrude Neeson]

You cannot travel outside unless you know.

[Duffy]

How Latin say yes. That inspirational song. Sensational, O sensational yes. In Spain they say Cece. In France they say oui, oui. Every little Dutch girl says yeah. Every little Russian says a what, Sweetheart, tell me why no matter how I cry, you'll listen to my plea. Won't say yes in any language to me. Why don't you say sissy? All the monkeys in the tree, they don't have to say sissy. All they do is wag their little tail. That's a little gag that never fails. But sweetheart, tell me why no matter how I cry, you won't listen to my plea? You won't say yes in any language to me. Why don't you say you do my plea? You want say yes in any language to me? Find what you say it is. Or maybe you say maybe? Why don't you Say.

[Archie]

Excuse me. Good evening, Duffy. Stavenway El. Eat Meat to eat. Today's special, Pig's pickle feet. Aren't you speaking? Duffy ain't here. Oh, it's you again, Duffy. Say, Duffy, do I have to say that poem you made up every time I answer the phone? All right, I'll say it. Only we're going to be in trouble when the specialist Corn beef hash. Say, by the way, what did you think of Gertrude Neeson singing? What? Well, gee, Duffy, some people like her. What? A little more pizzicato. All right, I'll tell her. He says you should have sang louder.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Ms. Neeson, let me have that phone. So you didn't like my singing, Mr. Duffy? And you're the greatest living authority on Irish tenors. You call what you're doing living? Oh, so your wife says. A girl who sings like I do would smoke cigarettes. Listen, you crummy old broken down barfly, you miserable, no good, four flushing What? Yes, you can call me Gertrude. And furthermore, lame brain, if I had the wings of an angel, I'd beat your brains out with them. Goodbye.

[Archie]

Hello, Duffy. What's new? Ah, Duffy. You and your Irish penis. Wait a minute. Kyle Stoopnagle just come in. Good evening, Colonel.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Hard evening, Screechy.

[Archie]

Well, how are you tonight, Colonel?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Oh, I'm. I'm in pretty good shape. For the shape I'm in. That is, considering my shape, look pretty good.

[Archie]

Have a cigar, Colonel?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Yes, I have.

[Archie]

Thanks. I'll be right with you, Colonel. Have a seat. Hello, Duffy. The Colonel's got a look in his eye like a $3 porterhouse. If I play my cards right, maybe I can sell him a slice off of that Kansas City steer you've been saving for inflation. Well, listen, Duffy, that steer ain't getting no younger. Okay, see you later. Well, well, Colonel, you sure are a sight to give a person sore eyes. Here, let me take your hat and shotgun. Bento wedding hat. Been to a wedding?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

No, no. Actually, I've been hunting ducks.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Hey, Nimrod, would you mind not pointing that shotgun at my head? I just had my hair done.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Pardon me, madam, but you don't have to be afraid of this fowling piece unless you happen to be a duck.

[Archie]

Well, she don't happen to be no duck town. She happens to be a canary. Colonel Stubnagel, this is Shantoos, Ms. Gerdrud Nees.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

How do you do? I'm sure.

[Gertrude Neeson]

I haven't seen you in a long time. You're putting on quite a front scoop, Nagel.

[Archie]

You better give me that foul piece, Colonel, and I'll put it out of harm's way.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Hey, careful of that, Archie. That's no ordinary shotgun.

[Archie]

It ain't, huh?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

It's what I call a sawed on shotgun. You will also observe that it's made with one barrel on top of the other instead of side by side. It's for shooting ducks who happen to be riding piggybacks.

[Archie]

That's certainly a very clever blundering bus, Colonel.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Blundering bus? Oh, induba. Yes, and here's another startling feature about it. One barrel is loaded with bullets, and the other barrel is loaded with nothing.

[Archie]

Loaded with nothing? Why is that?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, the loaded one's for shooting ducks, and the unloaded one is for not shooting innocent bystanders.

[Nick]

Say, Archie, how about that steak for the Colonel?

[Archie]

Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me. I say, Colonel, we got a steak there we've been saving especially for you, Archie.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Now you're talking. After that duck hunt, I could eat a horse.

[Archie]

Colonel, you have placed an order. Nick, that saddle stake for Colonel Stilknaggle.

[Nick]

Want me to ride it in force?

[Archie]

No, just slap it on a rump and hold the kitchen door open. It'll warp you. Oh, good evening, Officer Clancy. Why don't it be the usual absent frappe?

[Officer Clancy]

Never mind that. Who belongs to the blue sedan parked outside next to the fire hydrant?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, what's wrong with that? It's my own fire hydrant.

[Officer Clancy]

Now, listen.

[Archie]

Now, you listen, Clancy. You're supposed to be a friend of Duffy's. Why do you always come in here annoying a customer?

[Officer Clancy]

You listen here, Archie, and don't be giving me no back talk. You keep your customers obeying the law or I'll close you up.

[Archie]

Well, you can't close us up. We ain't got a license.

[Officer Clancy]

Yeah, but, but, but, but. I know. Well, don't let it happen again.

[Archie]

Okay, Clancy. Holy smoke. Colonel, if he ever finds out we really got a license, we're going to be in trouble.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Well, don't worry, Archie. I've got a pool with the mayor. I can arrange to have your license revoked.

[Archie]

Oh, and thanks. Thanks very much, Ms. Nathan.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Oh, nothing at all.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Say, Archie.

[Archie]

Yes, Colonel?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Could I interest you in this thing here that I've just invented?

[Archie]

Well, what is it, Colonel? To me, it looks just like a door.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

A door?

[Archie]

It is.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

It's a bathroom door that you don't have to wait outside of.

[Archie]

You don't have to wait outside of. Well, why is that, Colonel?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Because it opens into a closet.

[Archie]

Gosh, Colonel, you sure have got a freight of mine. I bet you'd have a million suggestions how to improve this place.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, I have one idea you might use. Archie. I've just invented a brand new drink. It's made by brewing malt and yeast and hops together. And the result is a tangy golden liquid with a frothy head on it.

[Archie]

But, Donald, we got that head. That's beer. That's odd.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

That's what I call mine.

[Archie]

Wait a minute. I know. Beer was invented more than 2,000 years ago.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Really? It seems like only yesterday.

[Archie]

Say, Colonel, have you ever inventing. Ever tried your hand at inventing an Irish tenor? Why? Well, Duffy says either I either get an Irish tenor or I'm fired.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

My boy, never despair. I, Colonel Lemuel Q. Stuitenagel, am an Irish tenor.

[Archie]

Aretha, we're safe. But wait a minute. Duffy only likes Irish. Irish tenants.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Ah, sure. Me own mother was a quin of the quin of Queens of County Down. Ah, she was indeed.

[Archie]

Indeed she was. Ah, how well I remember me mother Night over in the court. Can you sing with a kind of a catch in your voice, my dear?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Listen, Archie, when you hear me sing my Wild Irish Rose, you'll hear the lakes of Killarney. You'll hear the Shannon river flowing softly down to the sea. You'll hear the lilt of Irish laughter, the salt of Irish tears, the beat of brave Irish hearts, and the wail of the Irish banshee.

[Archie]

Ah, she was indeed. Indeed she was. Yeah, that's just what I'm afraid of. If it ain't done right, Duppy will be on that phone quicker than Jack Robinson and tear the roof off me.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Ah, don't worry about a thing, Archie. This would be magnificent to the pipes, Mr. Kirby. My wild Irish brawl.

[Archie]

Colonel, I think you better stop. I.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Mean, look at.

[Archie]

Hello, this is Finnegan's Pharmacy. This is Finnegan the pharmacist speaking. All right, Duffy, don't get so excited. All right. Well, he stopped, didn't he? What? Oh, Duffy, look, that ain't possible. No, Duffy, it's just not possible. All right.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Hey, what was that, Archie?

[Archie]

Nothing. We had a request, that's all.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, I always. Glad to oblige. What was the request?

[Archie]

Never mind. You couldn't do it.

[Mel Allen]

Say, Archie. Archie. Say, Archie, look who just came in. You know Larry Adler, the harmonica player?

[Archie]

Why, sure. How are you, Mr. Adler? Glad to see you. Hello, Archie. Nice seeing you again.

[Mel Allen]

Say, Archie, you know Larry Adler happens to be the finest harmonica player in the world. You think Duffy Would like a sample of his talent.

[Archie]

Ah, that Duffy don't want guys with talent. He wants Irish tennis. Well, Archie, if it'll help at all, at all, I know a million Irish tunes.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Ah.

[Archie]

Say, Mr. Rattle, do you know Danny Boy Duffy? Always liked that one. Ah, sure, me boy. Oh, I know it. 12. Okay, well, let's take a chance on Mr. Rattler. But, but Mr. Allen, when you announce him, you know, there's no use confusing Duffy about the man's name. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it.

[Mel Allen]

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Boy played on the harmonica by the world's greatest harmonica virtuoso, Larry O Adler.

[Archie]

Sa sac to be Duffy. Hello. You liked him. You really did, huh, Duffy? Oh, that's swell. Sure you can ham on records. Yeah, you're right, Duffy. Nothing like an Irish harmonica player. What? Buy a drink for the house. Are you sure this is Duffy? Well, all right, Duffy, that's fine. Okay, folks, Duffy's buying a drink for everybody. Did you hear that, Nick?

[Nick]

I heard it, but I don't believe it.

[Archie]

Well, it's true. And by the way, Nick, Duffy says close up the free lunch until the thing blows over.

[Nick]

Yeah, boss. That's more like Duffy. Here you are, folks. Drink hearty. It's on Duffy.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Well, you can quote me as being astounded.

[Archie]

Ah. Hey, here. Don't often get Duffy in such a monogamous mood.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, it goes needle beard. Seems like old times. Which reminds me, Archie, whatever became of your old friend Two Top Gruskin?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Two Top Gruskin? What is it?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

It isn't a net, it's a guy. He's a two headed baseball pitcher. He can watch first base and third base at the same time.

[Gertrude Neeson]

You say he had two heads?

[Archie]

It certainly had two heads. Ms. Neeson. What's so strange about Two Top having two heads?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Oh, there's nothing strange about it. But Two Top Gruskins, well, his real.

[Archie]

Name is Atos and Porto's Gruskin, but they nicknamed him Two Top, I suppose on account of him having two heads.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Very original.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Yeah. What did become a Two Top?

[Archie]

Oh, he got married.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Happily.

[Archie]

Well, as he always shakes his head when you ask him. Is he happily married? Yes and no.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Well, why is that, Archie?

[Archie]

Well, it all started the night that Two Top's wife, whose maiden name was Nee Ines Harrigan, before she was married. The night that she met Two Top at the Dollar Beer Racket Masquerade ball down here at Duffy's Bar and Grill. You know, the old place?

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Archie]

Duffy announces that first prize for the best masquerade costume is going to be a free drink on the house. Which as you know is a very rare offer from Duffy outside of on St. Patrick's Day whatsoever. Let's not digress. Anyway, the masquerade gets rolling and there's terrific competition for the free drink. When all of a sudden in comes a big piece of resistance, himself. He comes in two Top Gruskin himself. He comes as a pair of bookends.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

As a pair of bookends?

[Archie]

Yeah, with a book between his two heads. A book his mother gave him. Little book his mother gave him called My son. My son.

[Nick]

I get it boss, I get it.

[Announcer]

She knew him like a book, eh boss?

[Archie]

That's good Nick, but let's not have no more of that. Well anyway, when midnight comes, the judges give the first prize to the bookends. And when he takes off his masks, everybody is amazed to see that the winner is too tough. That's how he met Arnes. When he takes his masks off, she gives him a quick glance and then she turns around again and gives him another glance to confirm the first glance. And right away it was love at first sight. She says to me later, I don't know Archie, there was just something different about him. Says I guess it's that he was so tall, blond and brunette. Well, two. Top falls behind, has two. And it ain't 10 minutes before he's playing I love you truly on a harmonica and kissing her at the same time. So finally he proposes marriages to her.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Bigamy, huh?

[Archie]

Yeah. So Inez says, okay totop. After all, twice a loaf is better than none. Hello, Duffy, you changed your mind. You've been thinking it over and you don't like O Adler. But Duffy, no, you can't take back free drinks after people have drank the drinks. No, it's neither practical nor ethnical. But listen Duffy, will you forget Chauncey all caught him in the middle of a story. Yeah, I'll call you back later. That's Duffy. No restraint. Well anyway, as I was saying, Till Top is so happy about Inez marrying him that he quick goes over to the bar to celebrate. So Duffy puts first prize to drink on a house down in front of him. But Harold the bartender says, don't you think it's pretty cheap Duffy giving a two headed guy just one drink? So Duffy says, okay, I'll be a sport. I'll give the other head to chase.

[Gertrude Neeson]

It sounds a bit parsimonious, Archie.

[Archie]

Oh yes. Well fella. Well, well, Suetop Takes the drink, see? But it seems he takes it with the head that he inherited from his father's side of the family. And the first thing you know, he can't stop drinking. Well, the head that's drinking and chases tries to control him, but it's no use. So finally, the sober head winks at Duffy and says, better slip my Mickey, Duffy. Well, then the trouble really starts. Duffy, who's a little nearsighted, makes a mistake, and he puts the Mickey into the chaser. Well, in no time, both the two tops heads is out like life. Well, with this, Inez gets mad and she hollers, you're drunk. So as one man, two top comes two. Or rather, he comes four. And he says, who's drunk? So she says, you are. You on the left says, come on, Porthos, I'll marry you. But I never want to see that other face again. And that's why, Colonel, to this day, if you ask Tu Top, is he a happy married man, he always nods one head yes and shakes the other head no.

[Colonel Stoopnagel]

Archie, that's a wonderful story. You're a natural born raconteur.

[Archie]

Thanks, I think. But I'll be a natural born corpse if I don't get an Irish tenner for Duffy. Say, Archie. Oh, are you here again, Clancy?

[Officer Clancy]

Yes, it's the last time I'll tell you to get that car away from the fire hydrant.

[Archie]

Ah, Clancy, don't. But, Clancy, do you by any chance know any Irish tenors?

[Officer Clancy]

Sure, I'm an Irish tenor myself.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Clancy. Clancy Olcott.

[Archie]

What's that, Ms. Neeson?

[Gertrude Neeson]

Clancy Olcott. If you can make an O. Adler out of an Adler, why can't Clancy be Clancy Olcott?

[Archie]

But Olcott's dead.

[Gertrude Neeson]

Does Duffy know that?

[Archie]

Well, probably not. He still insists that John L. Sullivan is the heavyweight champion of the world.

[Gertrude Neeson]

You see what I mean, archie?

[Archie]

You're reaper. Ms. Neeson, I think you've given me the mucus of an idea. Quancy, do you know when Irish eyes are smiling? Certainly. Well, why don't we wait? Give me that microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, Duffy's Tavern takes great pride and pleasure in presenting, at the exclusive request of Mr. Duffy himself, that celebrated Irish tenor, Sea Olcott.

[Clancy Olcott]

When Irish eyes are smiling sure it's light a morning spring in the L Of Irish laughter you can hear the angels sing When I retire happy all this wonder sees bright and gay and when I rejoice Are smiling sure they still youl.

[Archie]

Away hello, Duffy. You liked it, huh? Well, it's about time you heaped the nocomium at me. What? Ah, Duffy. Why do you know he's crying? Always cries when he hears an Irish tenant. Ah, now, Duffy, please. Well, stop, Duffy, stop. Of course we all love you, Duffy. Everybody loves you. The world ain't against it. Not for the love of Mike Duffy. It ain't true, I tell you. We love you like I was our own father.

[Mel Allen]

And that will give you a rough idea of what Duffy's Tavern will be like when and if reaches the air regularly. Tonight's program, like each Forecast show, is intended as a sample broadcast, an illustration of what you may expect of Duffy's Tavern if it eventually becomes a weekly radio feature. If you want to hear more from Archie, from Gertrude Neeson, from John Kirby's orchestra, and from the never audible but always active Duffy himself, write to CBS and tell us so. Your applause will help to make Duffy's Tavern a weekly broadcast feature.

[Announcer]

Next week, Forecast will present a full hour show from Hollywood. Hollywood, A large scale musical variety program called Of Stars and States. The cast, headed by John Bowles, will include Virginia Vale, Nan Gray, Arthur Q. Bryan and Governor Leo Daniel of Texas. This is the Columbia Broadcasting Service.