Lux Radio Theatre - Monsieur Beaucaire

Summary

---

Harold’s Old Time Radio

Episode Summary: Lux Radio Theatre – Monsieur Beaucaire

Air Date: July 10, 2026
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Stars: Bob Hope (Monsieur Beaucaire), Joan Caulfield (Mimi)

---

Overview

This episode of Harold’s Old Time Radio features a special broadcast of Lux Radio Theatre’s adaptation of “Monsieur Beaucaire,” a classic romantic farce set in 18th century France and Spain. With Bob Hope as the comedic hero and Joan Caulfield as the witty love interest, the episode delivers fast-paced banter, mistaken identities, daring rescues, and royal intrigue. Blending sharp wit and slapstick situations, the adaptation offers an energetic send-up of swashbuckling romance, courtly politics, and underdog aspirations.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segment Highlights

1. Setting the Scene: Paris, 1774

[00:30–04:20]

• The play opens at King Louis’ court—a world of duels, powdered wigs, and behind-the-scenes schemes.
• Homer Beaucaire (Bob Hope) is a humble but sharp-tongued palace barber.
• Joan Caulfield’s Mimi, a chambermaid, spars verbally with Beaucaire about ambition, love, and social climbing.

"I'm warning you, Mimi, if you go through with this, you'll never see me again. Have you ever thought about that?"
— Bob Hope (Monsieur Beaucaire), [06:11]

2. Intrigue at Court

[05:00–09:00]

• Plans are set for Prince DeChandre to marry the Spanish Princess Maria, forging peace between France and Spain.
• Amidst royal maneuvering, Beaucaire accidentally gets entangled in affairs above his station, leading to mistaken identity as the king.

"Yeah, he won't be king forever. Comes the revolution, and we'll all eat our giant hamburgers with double rich malt."
— Bob Hope, [05:24]

3. Mistaken Identity & The Showdown

[09:00–13:54]

• Mimi confuses Beaucaire for the king (he’s in disguise), leading to a comic flirtation.
• The real king and queen catch wind of the mix-up, heightening the stakes (and the gags).
• Beaucaire is nearly sent to the guillotine for impersonation and insubordination, until the real Duke offers him a lifeline.
• Quick costume swaps and more mistaken identities ensue, sending the plot—and Beaucaire—spiraling toward Spain.

"He can have my head, but it won't look good on him either. Say, if I were king, I wouldn't go around cutting off everybody's head."
— Bob Hope, [07:54]

4. Journey to Spain – Adventure & Escalation

[17:13–31:30]

• The motley group travels toward Spain, where rivalries, shifting allegiances, and highwaymen complicate matters.
• General Francisco plots to assassinate the Duke, hoping to spark war.
• Princess Maria travels in disguise.
• Mimi is drawn into Francisco’s scheme, tasked to steal the Duke’s sword, but her loyalties are divided.

"They're just testing the guillotine. Executioner's trying to correct his slice. What a way to die. What difference does it make? You said you wanted to die anyway."
— Bob Hope, [15:46]

5. Romantic Chaos & Final Gambits

[31:30–49:32]

• Beaucaire (posing as the Duke) blunders through royal receptions, dances, and near-poisonings.
• Multiple women vie for Beaucaire’s attention, both for politics and for romance.
• Mimi tries desperately to warn Beaucaire of looming dangers and poison plots at the Spanish court.

"I know I'm not good enough for you. Just a coward with seven up in my blood. But when I'm near you, it starts to boil and bubble and every bubble's bubble bubbles. I feel like a lovesick pressure cooker. Honest, Mimi, I'm fizzing all over with love for you."
— Bob Hope, [43:23]

6. Duel, Exposures & Happy (If Hectic) Endings

[49:32–52:56]

• The real Duke reappears, exposing conspiracies and saving Beaucaire from an unwanted political marriage.
• Beaucaire finally escapes along with Mimi, heading for a new life.

"Now, don't worry, we'll find a place. There must be some country where you can die. Of old age."
— Bob Hope, [50:55]

7. Epilogue: The American Dream

[52:12–53:50]

• Years later, Homer Beaucaire and Mimi are running a four-chair barber shop in Philadelphia.
• George Washington and Martha’s fudge get playful references, with the story’s tone seamlessly shifting from European intrigue to New World humor.

"You know, all this—this could happen only in America."
— Bob Hope, [53:35]

8. Curtain Call and Meta-Humor

[54:09–55:00]

• Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield slip out of character for backstage banter with William Keeley, poking fun at Hollywood publicity stunts and each other.

"Yeah, but plug always makes me think of Crosby."
— Bob Hope, [54:27]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Comic Wordplay & Fourth Wall Breaks:
  • "Let's have one for the colonies!" (Hope, [10:08])
  • "You can park your broom in the hall and come right in." (Hope, [41:49])
• Absurd Swordplay:
  • "On guard, Perry. False. And it's two dozen roses to Louis do. Yeah, but the choice long stem ones, they're out of season. Let's wait till spring, huh?" (Hope, [49:32])
• Slapstick Aspirations:
  • "I'm only a little barber now, but someday I'll have a big up-to-date barbershop with Life magazine, sun lamps and a direct wire to Santa Anita." (Hope, [05:29])
• Meta References:
  • “My Favorite Brunette. That’s the title of my Paramount picture. Pretty sneaky, huh?” (Hope, [54:11])

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 00:30 | Show introduction and setting (Paris, 1774) | | 04:21 | Royal machinations and courtly banter | | 09:00 | Mistaken identity antics heat up | | 13:54 | Beaucaire faces the guillotine; switch to Spain escape | | 17:13 | Journey to Spain begins; new conspiracies | | 24:42 | Mimi recruited to betray Beaucaire | | 29:30 | Comedic romance between Beaucaire and Mimi | | 36:10 | In Madrid: The ball and looming danger | | 41:57 | Run of comic dances and banter at the Spanish court | | 43:13 | Mimi’s warning about the poisoned wine | | 48:40 | The climactic wedding and duel | | 52:12 | Epilogue in Philadelphia, Revolutionary America | | 54:09 | Cast sign-off and meta-humor |

---

Tone & Style

The episode’s tone balances breezy slapstick, quick-fire wit, romantic parody, and occasional satirical asides. Bob Hope’s wisecracking delivery is matched by Joan Caulfield’s sharp rejoinders, while parodies of royal formalities and melodramatic dangers keep the pace lively and light.

---

Takeaway

Lux Radio Theatre’s "Monsieur Beaucaire" as presented by Harold’s Old Time Radio is both a nostalgic showcase and an irresistible comic vehicle for Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield. At its heart, it’s a love story cross-dressed as a farcical adventure—full of mistaken identities, overblown intrigue, and a barber’s irrepressible dream. The combination of historical parody, screwball romance, and American optimism makes this Golden Age radio hour as entertaining now as it was then.

---

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

When you're a maintenance engineer in a beverage manufacturing plant, you keep production lines moving and quality on track because there's no room for slowdowns. With Grainger's vast selection of high quality motors, sensors, belts and hard to find parts, you can get what you need fast and all in one place. So nothing gets in the way of getting the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickranger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Bob Hope]

From the archives of the greatest dramas in radio history, we proudly present Hollywood, The Radio Theater. Starring Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield in Monsieur Beaucaire. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keeley. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Some years ago, one of America's most distinguished authors, Booth Talkington, penned a moving and dramatic novel called Monsieur Beaucaire. The story of a humble but heroic figure struggling against the inequalities of royalty. Hollywood cast Beaucaire with Rudolph Valentino, the great lover of the silent screen. Tonight we take our cue from Paramount Studios and their version of Monsieur Beaucaire and cast it as they did with Bob Holt. And when you do a thing like that, you take whatever comes and like it. And I'm sure you will co starred with the gifted and beautiful Joan Caulfield. Also from the screencast, Bob appears as the love smitten barber Beaucaire who does everything. But it's time for our first act. Starring Bob Hope as Monsieur Beaucaire and Joan Caulfield as his girlfriend, Mimi. Paris, 1774. An era of lovely ladies and fearless gallant men. In King Louis lavish court are gathered the finest swordsmen in Europe. But in all the palace, there's none whose blade is as sharp and bright as Monsieur Beaucaire. Next. Who's next please? Shave today, sir?

[Joan Caulfield]

Shave.

[Bob Hope]

How's the razor's edge? Yeah, I'm gonna try and catch it tonight. What was that, sir? Oh, I'm glad you like it. It's that new lather I'm using. Goddirum. One moment, sir, while I sh. One moment, sir, while I shave around your ears. Oh, well, you can always hear with the other one. By the way, have you heard the latest about the king and Madame Pompadour will have seen that. Madame Pompadour. No, our hero is not a duke, not even a count. He's the palace barber, Homer Beaucaire. Homer's not particularly bright, but he's drummed up a nice little trade there in the palace basement. Shaves, wigs, powders and tickets on the Irish Sweepstakes. But while Beaucaire pries his razor upstairs in the king's chambers, matters of great importance are being discussed. At last, sire. At last. A perfect plan to avoid war with Spain. It's about time you came up with an idea. As prime minister. He is not my idea, sire. It comes direct by courier from King Philip of Spain. Well, what is it? An alliance, sire, based upon a marriage between Maria, Princess of Spain, and a French nobleman of your choosing. Excellent. But who? D'. Armand. What nobleman? He must be handsome. Of course. Dashing, clever. Someone whose wit and charm would. But of course. The Duke de Chande. Oh, brilliant, sire, brilliant. We rid our palace of his fiery temper and quick blade. To say nothing of considerable romantic competition. The young blood should be duly grateful, eh, Dalmore? Not to mention a few of the older ones, sire. I couldn't wonder. What do you mean? Oh, nothing, nothing. Except I've observed how attractive he seems to Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour means nothing to me. Nothing. Oh, have no concern, sire. What if she does favor the Chantre? He'll be off to Spain in a few days. Two days. He leaves for Spain pain tonight. Inform the sh at once. The queen too. This is a big night, and the court must celebrate.

[Joan Caulfield]

Good heavens.

[Bob Hope]

If we're going to have a celebration, I must dress. Get my barber. Get him here at once. At once, Excellency. Coming with your book? The King's barber.

[Joan Caulfield]

Come in. Oh, it's you, Homer Beaucaire. Haven't I told you?

[Bob Hope]

Hello, Mimi.

[Joan Caulfield]

Why are you still alive? I thought you told me you were going to kill yourself.

[Bob Hope]

You think I'm afraid, don't you? Well, you're gazing on a Frenchman who's not afraid to die for love.

[Joan Caulfield]

Wait here. I'll get you a piece of rope.

[Bob Hope]

That's not the kind of necking I want. Look, Mimi, you can't do this. Why couldn't you be satisfied just being a scullery maid? Why did you have to promote yourself upstairs? Do you know what that means?

[Joan Caulfield]

I know exactly what it means. Chambermaid to the king. What's so wrong if I want to enlarge my scope?

[Bob Hope]

Your scope's large enough. And the rest of you doesn't need any improvement.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, what's worrying you, Homer?

[Bob Hope]

The king and I won't let you do it. Besides, what makes you think the king will look at you twice as if I didn't know?

[Joan Caulfield]

He won't have to. Once will be enough.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but he won't be king forever. Comes the revolution, and we'll all eat our giant hamburgers with double rich malt. I'm only a little barber now, but someday I'll have a big up to date barbershop with Life magazine, sun lamps and a direct wire to Santa Anita. Turning me down for a king? I'm a famous barber. I'll show you my clippings.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, go sharpen your waver.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah. And another thing. What about those other women upstairs? Madame Pompadour and those others? They'll see through your tricky schemes.

[Joan Caulfield]

In this palace, it's every woman for herself.

[Bob Hope]

Dog eat dog. Let's leave the queen out of this. Where? Is that so fair?

[Joan Caulfield]

The guide's calling you. Besides, I've got to prepare the Queen's bubble bath. And who knows, while the Queen is taking her bath, I may even get to meet the King.

[Bob Hope]

That's a fine thing, flirting with a king behind the Queen's bubbles. I'm warning you, Mimi, if you go through with this, you'll never see me again. Have you ever thought about that?

[Joan Caulfield]

Well, well, well.

[Bob Hope]

I guess you've thought about it. Oh, there you are, Beaucaire. Get your razor and brush and go upstairs. Sorry, I gotta hang myself tonight. In fact, I'll be all tied up. The King wants a shave. Oh, well, that's different. The king's neck comes before mine. But don't worry, I'll kill myself tomorrow. It'll be better then. Tomorrow's Monday and I'll be able to hang with a wash. You just wait and see, Mimi. You'll be sorry. Okay, you clumsy idiot. Oh, sorry, your majesty. Did I do something? Do something? That brush full of lather right in my mouth. I wondered where it was all going. It's nerves, sire. I'm just a bundle of nerves tonight. It's meanie Mimi. Who's Mimi? Oh, she's your new girl. I mean, she's my girl. That is, she's our girl. Gets around, doesn't she? What on earth are you gibbering about? Mimi? May I talk to you about her, sire? Certainly not. Here's the queen.

[Joan Caulfield]

Louis, what's this I hear about Duchon going to Spain?

[Bob Hope]

Well, why not? Royal blood. Best swordsman in the land. And from what I understand, he's very attractive to the ladies. Eh, Barber? Oh, well, I'd be too if I used eyelash cream every night.

[Joan Caulfield]

Shut up, you idiot.

[Bob Hope]

He didn't say anything. I said shut up. Oh, I'm sorry, your majesty. I was only repeating what Mimi told me once and for all. Who's Mimi? My girl. Sire, she dreams of position, power. Why, she'd like to influence the king, like Madame Pompadour.

[Joan Caulfield]

And who says Madame Pompadour influences the king?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, everybody knows that. It's all over. I shall talk to you later, My dear. Please, you don't understand.

[Joan Caulfield]

I said later and alone.

[Bob Hope]

You blundering nincompoop. If I so much as see you again, I'll have your head. Yes, sire. Two heads are better than one. Thank you, sire. Now hurry up and powder my wig. I'll announce the news to the court myself. Deschamps leaves for Spain tonight. Hmm. Who does he think he is? After all, I'm not dirt. I'm a man. Well, sort of. What makes him so special anyway? Anyone can be king. I could be king. All I have to do is slip his ring on, wear his wig and put on his robes. Hmm. Think I'll look in the mirror. Beaucaire, you jabbering idiot. I'll have your head. Well, he can have my head, but it won't look good on him either. Say, if I were king, I wouldn't go around cutting off everybody's head and stealing everybody's girl. While I wouldn't go around cutting off everybody's head. Hey, look at these masks. Over the hiss kisser. He needs masks. Got a mask for day and a mask for night. This must be his night mask. It's got neon eyebrows. Guess I'll slip it on. Don't shoot. I was just trying on the.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh. Oh. Pardon me, your Majesty.

[Bob Hope]

Mimi, she thinks I'm the king. Oh, dear, dear. Approach me. Approach me.

[Joan Caulfield]

Thank you, sire.

[Bob Hope]

Rise, child, rise. Why, you're the little wench who's been going around with Vaucaire, the barber. Splendid chap, Vaugair. And so handsome.

[Joan Caulfield]

Beaucaire. Handsome, sire.

[Bob Hope]

Just don't see how one man can get so handsome.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, believe me, sire, there's nothing between Beaucaire and me.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, charming fellow. So witty, so clever. And I happen to know that you've shown more than a casual interest in him.

[Joan Caulfield]

But Beaucaire is a man, sire. And I'm not interested in men, mortal men. My interest, sire, is France.

[Bob Hope]

How's that again, Siren?

[Joan Caulfield]

I love France. And to me, you are France.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, it's just the way this robe fits. Of course, it's a little tight around Paris. Ah, what a moment.

[Joan Caulfield]

Do you know what a moment like this means to a woman?

[Bob Hope]

Right now I'm studying from a man's point of view.

[Joan Caulfield]

Don't think of me as a woman, sire. Think of me as the people of

[Bob Hope]

France, I'd rather think of you as a woman at such a small room.

[Joan Caulfield]

That kiss siren, that was for France.

[Bob Hope]

It was. Now, let's have one for the colonies.

[Joan Caulfield]

Louis. Oh, the queen. Oh, you, Majesty, please don't misunderstand. I'm sure I shan't. I never do, do I? Louis. I was just telling his Majesty of my patriotism. Good. And I will see that you are amply rewarded.

[Bob Hope]

God, Me and my big fat masks. This is just not my day.

[Joan Caulfield]

God.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, your Majesty. Let's force this wrench to the Spanish border.

[Joan Caulfield]

Spain.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, but your majestic.

[Joan Caulfield]

Put in sons again, I'll have your head.

[Bob Hope]

Spain. Oh, no, no. Mimi.

[Joan Caulfield]

Did you say something? Louie?

[Bob Hope]

Dear me, say something. Stay right where you are.

[Joan Caulfield]

I'll be back. Such as Shan's darling leaving for stain tonight. Oh, this is awful.

[Bob Hope]

It's no use, Pompadour. You heard the king's orders. And you better leave my apartment. The king should hide.

[Joan Caulfield]

The king.

[Bob Hope]

You. Your Majesty. Why, I beg your pardon, sir. Oh, your Grace. You've got to take me with you to Spain.

[Joan Caulfield]

It's not the king. It's only. Look here.

[Bob Hope]

What are you doing in the king's robe? Not very well. Look, please take me to Spain. I gotta see a man about an olive. Out of the question. But Mimi's gone to Spain, so I've gotta go too. I'll be your lackey. I'll even be your lackey's lackey. Where are you? There. That voice.

[Joan Caulfield]

It's Louis. The king.

[Bob Hope]

Obedor. It's our heads. If he finds us here together. I'll do your laces, your undies. I'll even mend the runs in your stockings.

[Joan Caulfield]

Where can I go? Where can I hide?

[Bob Hope]

I'll cut your hair. I'll shave you. I'll scratch your back. I'll scratch her back too. Out to the other room, under the bed. Just hide. What happened? The sponsors show up. As for you, Volcan, out of those robes. Serve them under the couch. And you will take me to Spain, won't you? Poor Mimi. It was all my fault. Get my razor and start shaving me. Oh, here you are, Deshawn. If you're ready, we can. What? Shaving. You were just shaved a couple of hours ago. Oh, yes, sire. But when I got through, I made a mistake. I dusted his chin with vigorous.

[Joan Caulfield]

You.

[Bob Hope]

I thought I told you to get out. Oh, I'm leaving. I'll be out of here before you can say. Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour. What Makes you think of her barber. Yes. And what's this on the floor? A handkerchief. Familiar scent, Deschampre. And the lace so delicate. Could it belong to anyone we know? Why, I have no idea, sire. It's mine, your majesty. I always carry two. One for show and one for blow delight. Delightful scent, isn't it? I wouldn't give 2 cents for those other scents. Why, this comes all the way from France. This is France? Yes. Small world, Michonne. I believe Madame Pompadour is hiding in this. Apart, sire, to entertain such thought is madness. Nevertheless, I intend searching the queen. Oh, for heaven's sake. Yes, my dear.

[Joan Caulfield]

All right, Louis, start talking. Unless you intend to make more of

[Bob Hope]

a fool of me than you have already. What nonsense is this?

[Joan Caulfield]

It's nonsense for the queen of France to come upon the King of France petting and kissing a little scullery maid.

[Bob Hope]

A chambermaid. Wait.

[Joan Caulfield]

Right. Chambermaid.

[Bob Hope]

Furthermore.

[Joan Caulfield]

How did you know?

[Bob Hope]

I saw the picture. I mean, I. Well, you know how those things whip around the palace. In one keyhole and out the other. What chambermaid? I haven't seen any chambermaid.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, Then I suppose it was someone

[Bob Hope]

else in your room.

[Joan Caulfield]

Wearing your robes, your mask and your ring.

[Bob Hope]

What ring?

[Joan Caulfield]

Your turquoise ring.

[Bob Hope]

The one that looks like.

[Joan Caulfield]

Why, that looks like that one that the barber is wearing.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, yeah, it does look like yours, doesn't it, sire? We must go to the same hop shop. Looks like mine. It is mine. So knew she wasn't a scullery. Mayday. Oh, mercy, your majesty. Mercy. Why did you do it, knave? To save her, sire. Mimi. Save her? Save her from what? From you, sire. There, you see, you lying scoundrel. God. God, please. This barber. Take him to the guillotine. Oh, no. Cut off his head in the morning. That's too bad, Beaucair. Won't be easy finding another barber like you when you get to Spain. Your grace, look up Mimi.

[Joan Caulfield]

Huh?

[Bob Hope]

Tell Mimi I'm sorry.

[Joan Caulfield]

Mimi? Who's Mimi?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, the little girl who'd like to be like Madame Pompadour tonight. Oh, woe is me. And right when I bought myself a new bottle of wild root. Do you like yourself, Bouquet? I could have you move to a larger one. But after all, in a few minutes you'll be dead. So. Hey, hey, that. That noise. What's that? Oh, they're just testing the guillotine. Executioner's trying to correct his slice. What a way to die. What difference does it make? You said you wanted to die anyway. Yeah, but for love. For Mimi. And Like a man, not like a salami. Courage. The God comes for you now. Come on, Beaucaire. Say, can't we put this off for a while? I think I'm getting a sore throat. That'll be all, God. You may leave. Yes, you're going to Duke. Duchess. Oh, Monsieur Rene, you may leave also. Of course, your grace. Now, can't Rene watch? I sold him a ticket for this. Not a word, Beaucaire. If you don't want to die, do exactly as I say, huh? We're changing clothes, you and I. Oh, I couldn't give you mine right after I sewed him these swell new shoulders. Louis is sending me to Spain tonight. Popping me off for all I know of the ugliest woman in the world. The King of Spain's daughter. Well, I won't do it. So you're gonna let him chop off your head instead of mine? Of course not, you idiot. We're both going to Spain. But you'll be the Duke de Chand and I'll be your lackey. Now stop asking questions and get into my clothes. Oh, this is the Prime Minister, Beaucaire. He's going to Spain with us. All right, driver, to the Spanish border. What on earth is this fool doing in your clothes? I demand to know the meaning of this masquerade. You'll discover that in good time, monsieur. And so will you, Bouquet. They don't have guillotines in Spain, do they? Barbers? No, just the rack and the stake. The rack and the stake, huh? You mean they stretch out and barbecue you? That's right. And if I stay in France, I get the guillotine? That's right. Fine menu. Steak or chops.

[Narrator/Announcer]

When you're a maintenance engineer in a beverage manufacturing plant, you keep production lines moving and quality on track because there is no room for slowdowns. With Grainger's vast selection of high quality motors, sensors, belts and hard to find parts, you can get what you need fast and all in one place so nothing gets in the way of getting the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickranger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. From Geico Subconscious News, I'm Tammy Racing thoughts broadcasting from your brain. Tonight's top worry. If something happens to your apartment and you need to like stay in a hotel and pay for it. That would be crazy, right? Art Palpitations has more.

[Bob Hope]

That would be crazy, Tammy. But you got surprisingly affordable renters insurance through Geico so it could be covered, giving you peace of mind.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Aw, I love a story that ends well.

[Bob Hope]

Next up, love stories. Are they all they're cracked up to be?

[Narrator/Announcer]

It feels good to worry less. It feels good to geico.

[Bob Hope]

Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield will return in a moment with M. Beaucaire. One of the great things about our way of government is that if one part starts getting too powerful or begins to use its power wrongly, another part can say, hold it, man. That's putting it bluntly. But it is an idea of one way Congress works. In the legislature, there are rules for procedure and rules to keep the rules from being abused. Like the way the filibuster and cloture rules apply To Congress, the filibuster is the exercise of the privilege of unlimited debate. That means once he has the floor, a senator or representative may speak for as long as he cares to. If this occurs, others who wish to vote on the bill may invoke cloture, which ends all debate. So voting may begin. Cloture is possible with a 2/3 vote. It's like saying, we've heard enough talk. Now let's see what the majority wants. Then democracy really begins to work. We return you now to William Keeley, Act 2 of Monsieur Beaucaire. Starring Bob Hope in the title role and Joan Caulfield as Mimi. Determined not to marry the Spanish princess, at least until he's seen what she's like. The Duke de Chandre has snatched our hero from the jaws of the guillotine, dressed him in his own finery and deposited him in the coach bound for Spain. Meanwhile, at the border, the treacherous Spanish General Francisco meets with his accomplices. So, gentlemen, the King of France has chosen the illustrious Dick Chandra to marry our lovely Princess Maria. Where is Maria? She has already left the convent in Switzerland, General. She travels incognito with Edwinia. By now, their coach is well across France. And what a disaster would be were the Princess to die on French soil. I see what you mean. Could be held responsible. And what answer but one could our stupid King Philip give? You mean war? Exactly. And in time of war, a man of courage might even seize the city throne of Spain. General, Maria will never reach Spain. Good. I wonder where her coach might be right now. By nightfall, Maria should be in Bayonne. Bayonne, eh? Well, it shall be your purpose to see that she never reaches Bayonne. How tragic that one so young and lovely must die. Of all things to happen to us. To Shawn. Broken harness. Six miles from Bayonen, our coach breaks down. How long before we can proceed, coachman?

[Joan Caulfield]

Soon, Excellency. I hope.

[Bob Hope]

And on top of this ridiculous masquerade, Deschamp, I insist that you get out of Vauquer's clothes immediately. Hey, hey. Look down the road. There's a coach coming. I'll stop. How do you like that? They wouldn't even stop and help us. I guess I should have shown him a little more leg. Look here. Did you see what I saw inside the coach? Yeah. Women. Two of them. Well, what are we waiting for? I'll take the young one. Oh, what an angel. What a vision. I think the one with the mustache likes you. She may be a little old, but. Driver unease, one of our horses. Make it two while you're at a driver. You're supposed to be a bridegroom on route to your marriage. Yes, to a woman I've never even seen. Yeah, for all he knows, she may be a big, fat, flabby, rather attractive type of woman. And I'll further remind you to Chandra that I am being held responsible for the success of the. Look. That coach is stopping down there. They're being attacked. Bandits. Come look here. Use your head, man. We can afford no risk. Yeah, that's right, no risk. You speak of risk to the Duke Duchamp? But there are six of them. Yeah, six of them. Three for each of you. Hurry, fellas. Six or 600, what does it matter? Yeah, what does it matter? Well, go on, for fool. Help. His grace. Me? You're a man. You've got blood in your veins. Yeah, and I want to keep it there. It's the squirty kind. Get in there and hold your end up. It's too big a target. I said help him. Here, take my sword. Oh, well, save one for me. The little one. You can have all the others. I'm not selfish. On guard. Touche. Oh, I'm coming. I kind to say. On God. Well, Duke, did we get them all? All but one. I'm sorry he got away. Come back and fight, you coward. That's too bad. He was the finest swordsman of the lot. Keep going, you coward. Lucky for him he got away when he did. You are quite safe now, ladies.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, how can we thank you?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, believe me, it was nothing at all. His grace is right. Nothing at all. My grace. My grace. Oh, my gracious. Yes, yes, yes. Well done, my good man, well done. Remind me to reward you with a handsome leave with a goatsky full of goats or something. Thank you, your grace. I'll think nothing of it. Remember, we're living on borrowed head anyway. Well, I must run along now and sharpen my sword. You can never tell when we meet more of these cads. Don't be long, my good man. Your grace, or you forget the prime minister. I'll go back and prime him. See you later. Mademoiselle. I fear your driver was killed by the bandits. Would you grant me the privilege of driving you to your destination?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, you're most kind. Maria. For donna Claire. We must get to Madrid. This gentleman is being most considerate.

[Bob Hope]

Obviously, the gentleman is a lackey.

[Joan Caulfield]

But if his master will permit, I

[Bob Hope]

think I might persuade him. I'll return at once, madam. I forbid it. I absolutely forbid it. Your grace. Sorry, Darmond, but I'm driving the ladies. I'll meet you at the tavern at the Spanish border. But they'll have a welcoming party there to greet us. They'll expect to meet the Duc de Champres. I said I'd be there. Yeah, we'll be there. Let's go. Your grace. Not you. Selfish. Come back for Sean. Stop him, Beaucaire. Stop him. I'm mad at him. Do you realize what this means? Supposing he arrives late at the border? Supposing he. He. Well, what are you staring at me for? Hmm? Hey, what's going on behind that? Mmm? It might work at that. What? Might work at what, your grace? Oh, no, you don't. Not me. Oh, no. I just came along for the riding to find Mimi. You must. Not me. I not go going around impersonating any dukes. He fights duels. A fella can get hacked up that way. But, your grace, surely you've heard what a prize he's considered among the ladies. Yeah, but you. Hey, that's right. Women. Hundreds of them, throwing themselves at me. Pawn me. Mauling me. Oh, no, you don't. You almost had me sold. Sorry, you'll have to use the old duke. Very well, then. Well, now you're talking. I'll just have to send you back to Paris. Now you're talking. And the guillotine. Now you're. You're talking to the new duke. It's true, General Francisco. That demon from the other coach slashed our men to ribbons. And the princess Maria was permitted to continue on her way, eh? Well, it takes two to make him marriage. Carlos. Dictor Shan to arrive here this afternoon. Would it not be a most unhappy circumstance if his grace should meet with a fatal accident? It might not be easy. They say he's the finest swordsman in France. Oh, now, hardly. To find this if he is without the sword. And I think it. Hey, Carlos. What is that disturbance down in the courtyard. Who's that girl with the guards down there? Girl? I'll open the window. Come along now. If you have no passport, you cannot remain in Spain.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, please. I must say, if you send me back, it means my desk. It's been ordered by the queen herself.

[Bob Hope]

Guard. Yes, general? That girl, send her to me at once. And you said your name is Mimi, my dear?

[Joan Caulfield]

Yes, General.

[Bob Hope]

Well, don't worry. You may remain in Spain.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, how can I thank you, general? You've been so kind and so understanding.

[Bob Hope]

Perhaps you may be able to return the favor when my men pay their respects to the Duke of Champs river reception tonight. If his sword is unavailable, he's to be attacked.

[Joan Caulfield]

The Duke?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, my dear child. A simple abduction just to delay the wedding for a little while.

[Joan Caulfield]

But a delay might mean more.

[Bob Hope]

What ugly thoughts for such a charming head. How much pleasanter if you dwelt on other things like a reward. The chateau in Barcelona, for instance.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, I. I understand, your excellency. I'll get his sword.

[Bob Hope]

Well, judging from that crowd, the duke has just crossed our border. Open the window, my dear.

[Joan Caulfield]

Thank you.

[Bob Hope]

Thank you. Oh, you lovely peasant. Duke, control yourselves. I know it's hard, but try. Just look at him.

[Joan Caulfield]

I can't believe it. Do you realize who that is?

[Bob Hope]

Why, the Duc de Chandre, of course. And the French prime minister.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh. Oh, yes, yes, of course.

[Bob Hope]

Fence. What is it you can't believe, little Mimi?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, that I'm going to have a chateau.

[Bob Hope]

Don't worry, my dear. I won't forget. Will you kindly hurry? Beaucaire, finish shaving me. Say, why am I shaving you? I'm the one they're waiting for downstairs. Did you see all that femininity? Acres and acres of it, boy. Just like a sea of grass. Remind me to sharpen my lawnmower. They happen to be waiting to greet the different la. Why isn't he here? Maybe that's him now. Come in. His Excellency, the commanding general of the Spanish armies, Don Francisco Miguel Pedro Altamira de los Monico de la Torre de la Vega de los Paracitos de Castillo de los Rios Garcia Gonzalez Rocamaro de Andrade. Sounds like a California bus schedule. Just a moment, please. He's the most powerful man in Spain. We've got to see him. Tell his Excellency to come in, please. General Francisco. Your grace. We greet you in the name of Spain. Bow, you fool. Bow. What a fantasy. Imagine him coaching me to take bows. I trust. I trust your grace had a pleasant trip. Oh, not bad, not bad. We had to get an interpreter to read the Burma Shave signs to us, but it wasn't bad. Israeli most fatigued, general. Yeah, and I'm a little tired too. I've taken the liberty of ordering dinner. Exciting dishes to tempt the pallet. Oh, is he coming too? Well, I really am not exactly hungry. Wines to stimulate the senses. I'm not thirsty. And after dinner, something to please your grace's discerning eyes. Well, let's start with a dessert, huh? Shall we go? Now's your chance, Mimi. Pretend you're one of the wine girls and then arrange to meet at Duke alone as soon as possible.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, yes, General, but where?

[Bob Hope]

His rooms would be the best place. Get his sword away from him. My man will do the rest. Hurry now.

[Joan Caulfield]

A little more wine, your grace.

[Bob Hope]

Mimi. Mimi, what are you doing here?

[Joan Caulfield]

Let's go someplace where we can talk. Oh, make some excuse. I'll meet you in your rooms in five minutes.

[Bob Hope]

Mimi, you said something, your grace? Who, me? No. Just testing the old pipes. Gentle. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo, moo. Excuse me, folks. I forgot my tums. I'll be right back.

[Joan Caulfield]

Imagine eating you here. Homer.

[Bob Hope]

Me? Gosh, it's good to see you. Gee, I. I thought you'd be angry with me.

[Joan Caulfield]

Angry? Whatever for?

[Bob Hope]

Well, you know, I. I kind of got you kicked out of France and everything.

[Joan Caulfield]

But you didn't mean to, did you? Homer, what are you doing?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, just what they do on a rainy night in Rio. You got the cards?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, now stop, Homer. Hey. And tell me, what are you doing in the duke's clothes?

[Bob Hope]

Stretching them. I'm just taking his place for a while. Nobody here knows what the duke looks like, so I'm just. Well, you know.

[Joan Caulfield]

The duke cherishes them.

[Bob Hope]

Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, so they. I chose you above all others to impersonate the irresistible deschandre. Well, one just can't hide quality in breeding.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah. When you got it, you got it.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, you're so right.

[Bob Hope]

Your regal forehead runs in the family. The Habsburg chin got it from my mother. The bourbon nose got that from my father. Drank like a fish. Oh, Mimi, let's forget the past and settle down together right here in Spain.

[Joan Caulfield]

Ah, just the two of us alone in a sweet little cottage.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, Mimi. And perhaps in a year or so,

[Joan Caulfield]

there'll be a little whale in the nursery.

[Bob Hope]

Personally, I'd rather have children. But have it your way. Oh, Homer. Huh?

[Joan Caulfield]

Homer, I wish you'd take off that Old sword?

[Bob Hope]

Why, sure, honey. You got a letter you want to open?

[Joan Caulfield]

I'll take the sword, Homer.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, careful. It's pretty sharp.

[Joan Caulfield]

Good. Now stand where you are, you feather brain powder duster, before I run you through. Oh, ouch. Mimi, I'll teach you to get people banished from France.

[Bob Hope]

Well, Mimi, I don't get it.

[Joan Caulfield]

No, don't worry, you will. All right, gentlemen, come in.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, what happened?

[Joan Caulfield]

I left as soon as your men entered the room, General. Here. Here's his sword.

[Bob Hope]

Well done, Mimi. But this time our Gallup friend is no more.

[Joan Caulfield]

What do you mean? I thought you said he was to be abducted.

[Bob Hope]

Your sweet, so naive Mimi. Come, let's go to his room. Once I've seen his remains and I'm certain he is dead. Nice work, Dookie. I'm glad you got here. You're better than ddt. Boy, those guys were rough. Wonder what magazine you were selling. What happened to those other two men? Where'd they go? Out to the balcony and down to the ground. Not going to let them get away, are you? Certainly not. Back, cowards. Back, you swine. Stand your ground. Oh, he's great. I wonder how he'd make out with Sinatra. Oh, come in, General. It's a bit cluttered. We'll need the larger vacuum cleaners. Dead? Yeah, they're dead. There would have been more, but I had a dull blade. Poor amateurs. Oh, that this would occur with you under my protection. Say no more, my good man. The book is closed. You, you will return to the feast downstairs. Oh, but natch. I'll summon help now to repair your suite. Never mind repairing her. Just send her in. Yeah, you. Mimi. Oh, this is awful.

[Joan Caulfield]

I didn't know they meant to kill you, Homer. I give you my word.

[Bob Hope]

Your word? A sweet little cottage with a garden full of daisies and me under them.

[Joan Caulfield]

You must believe me. You must.

[Bob Hope]

Stop hugging and chalking me.

[Joan Caulfield]

But you must be. Listen, your life is in danger.

[Bob Hope]

Danger? You speak to me of danger? I say poof to danger. Double poof.

[Joan Caulfield]

Very well, Homer. It's goodbye then.

[Bob Hope]

They must have stabbed me. I hear air escaping. Oh, it's the duke. Well, did you get those other two, your grace? Oh, they disappeared. Confounded. How do you like that? Five guys trying to make a pincushion out of me. Get out of my clothes, your grace. I've had enough of this. Oh, but your highness. Don't your highness me, your highness. I want to be your Lonus again. Oh, but that. But that girl Bouquet. You mean Mimi? Why, she's nothing Speaking of Mimi, I speak of the girl whose coach I drove. I must see her again, not as the Duke, but as the humble lackey with whom she's fallen in love. Duke, someone's been spiking your hemo. I just thought General Francisco, he told me that you. Calm down, Darman. Ah, you're Grace. Oh, thank heaven you've returned. But only for a moment. I'm on my way to Madrid. Madrid? I must see her once more, if only to say good. No, no, no. You can't change your clothes immediately. Come on. You're not being very bright. Would you have your bridegroom killed? These men on the floor, they weren't after Beaucaire. They were after me. That's why I'm getting out of these clothes. Oh, I never expected this of a clever fellow like you, Beaucaire. What did I do? A man with a chance to outwit the sharpest minds in Spain. Me? How? Well, one of us is a duke and one of us is a barber, right? Right. But the Spaniards don't know which is which. If they kill me, what have they got? A dead duke. Exactly. But if we let them kill you instead, nothing but a barber. I knew you'd see it. We stay the way we are. Good man. See you in Madrid, I hope. Okay. The Duke's a pretty sharp fellow to figure out a thing like this. Now all they can do is kill a crummy little barber about a barber. That's me. Long live the Duke. He should drop dead. We'll bring you Act 3 of Monsieur Beaucaire, starring Bob Hope and Joan Caulfield in a moment. Men, we're offering you an opportunity to study the various operations and applications of the Mannheim Slide Rule. Well, perhaps this offer wouldn't appeal to the average clerk, journalist or administrative specialist, but to the man engaged in technical or scientific work, it would mean something. If he were not already familiar with the Mannheim Slide Rule, he would be interested. He'd want to know how he could take advantage of the offer. He'd know that a working knowledge of the slide rule would be of considerable help to him in his job. He'd learn that the person to see is his education officer, who would tell him that the course in the application of the Manheim type slide rule is offered by you, Safi. He'd fill out an application to enroll in the course and take the first step toward power through knowledge with you, Safi. Guess he'd do that if he were smart. Back now to your producer, William Keeley. Here's Our third act, starring Bob Hope as Monsieur Beaucaire and Joan Caulfield as Mimi, Posing as the Duke de Chandra, home of Beaucaire, is now in the palace at Madrid, where tomorrow the real duke is supposed to marry Princess Maria. But the real duke, having fallen in love, has no intention of marrying any princess. Furthermore, the unpleasant General Francisco continues to plot the early death of the gallant Deschamps. And if this isn't enough, Homer's girlfriend, Mimi, appears to be very much on the side of Francisco. Besides. Well, let's simplify matters and just say Beaucaire's in one awful mess. Beaucaire? I can't find the Duc de Chambre anywhere. What makes a man forsake the honor of his country for a woman? Willpower.

[Joan Caulfield]

Now.

[Bob Hope]

Now it's time for his presentation to the king. Well, don't look at me, you. You don't think I'd present you to the king? Yes, I do. Well, we meet again, my friend. Praise heaven. Say, haven't you heard about doors? Every time I see you, you're coming in a window. Oh, but she's disappeared, my lady of the loach. I've scoured the whole of Madrid in her trace. Oh, forget her, sir. Forget your lady the loach. Forget her? Why would you? I wouldn't associate with anybody that sat in a load. Believe me, I don't care. I don't care whether she sits in a loach or a coach. I don't care. Believe me, Dookie. Believe me, Dookie, she's grand. I. I tell you, just forget her. She. She's. It's right here. She's. Just. Get out, Duke. That's because you were away washing your things.

[Joan Caulfield]

I know.

[Bob Hope]

I lend you the moose. Duke, Let me tell you something. Forget her. She's just another hank. A hair, a smile, a piece of lace, a dimple. I tell you, sir, women are all alike. Sensational. Please, your grace, the King of Spain. Wait a moment. Beyond the balcony there, a garden over the wall. Come on. Look. It is she. Oh, not again, my lady.

[Joan Caulfield]

Duke. Duke.

[Bob Hope]

No, no, not again.

[Joan Caulfield]

Don't worry. Go on.

[Bob Hope]

I'll be back. Oh, it's no use, book hair. I. I can't keep the king waiting any longer. Go after the duke. Bring him back at all costs. I'll go down and try to delay the proceedings. Yeah, you delay the proceedings. I'll see you in a month or so. I'll give you 10 minutes. No, no, no. After him. Go on. Climb down the balcony, boy. I never thought I'd have a Chance like this. Meet me later. Willie. I'm getting so far away from here, they'll have to use. Darn that sword. Don't know why I wear it that way. Now to find the Duke. You're a Grace. Oh, hiya, gentlemen. Just thought I'd drop in for a minute. The major donor will announce the arrival of his grace. Do you know where the powder room is, Jen? I'd like to take a power. Excuse me. I must go see the king. The Duke? Du. Look here, I thought you were looking for the duke. Yeah, well, so long. If you leave now, you'll be cut to bits. If I stay, bigger chunks. You have no choice, huh? Now, walk down the aisle to the king. The aisle. And be aloof. And be aloof. Look bored. Uhhuh. Disdainful grass. A little more on the right nostril. How's this? Better. Better? Mm. A little more. Not too much. You'll blow your hat off. Here. Here comes. Your majesty. That. That is what Francis sent as general? Yes, sire. Oh, for heaven's sake. What's the matter with his nose? Perhaps his mother was frightened by Bob Hope, sire.

[Joan Caulfield]

Perhaps.

[Bob Hope]

Ah, my dear DeShawn. So this is the fabulous duke. The man whose cold steel and warm heart have captivated the continent. The whole honor, sir. As I said. As of the lady in the loach. That's right, you, Honor. Joe. I mean, your majesty. Thank you. Your prowess with a sword. Tell me, how do you do it? Oh, it's nothing. On guard, petty and thrust. And two dozen roses to the widow. And those stories of women waiting for your kisses in every corner of France. How do you do that? Oh, I got a fast horse. And now, your grace, in honor of France, the minuets. Thanks, but I'm not hungry. Countess.

[Joan Caulfield]

Sire.

[Bob Hope]

Your grace, The Countess Velasquez will serve as your first partner. You object to the arrangement? Object? It's the nicest arrangement I've seen all day.

[Joan Caulfield]

And does your grace approve of what you have seen thus far in Spain?

[Bob Hope]

My grace is beginning to dear.

[Joan Caulfield]

It's strange that you, a Frenchman, do our Spanish dances so well.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, not at all. I take from Desi Arnaz.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, but such grace. Your grace, you are like a feather.

[Bob Hope]

I always am next to such a pigeon.

[Joan Caulfield]

At the next measure, we start changing partners. I hope you'll find the other ladies to your liking.

[Bob Hope]

They're girls, aren't they?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, Elena. I dance for the next. Did you see that? The duke just winked at me. A little harmless flirtation. And my Alfredo will have that ambassadorship Alfredo. Well, what about my husband? And what about mine? We shall see. I dance with him now.

[Bob Hope]

Here I am, honey. Or would you rather sit this one out?

[Joan Caulfield]

Would you?

[Bob Hope]

No, I'm tired. Let's dance.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, I'd love to, your grace, because I must talk to you alone. But how about later? Well, why not at 11 then at your room?

[Bob Hope]

At my room?

[Joan Caulfield]

Of course.

[Bob Hope]

I may take out papers and settle down here permanently. What was that you said, Baroness, you must see me tonight.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, it is so vital to my happiness. Your grave.

[Bob Hope]

Well, just let me check my schedule here. Marquis at 11, Countess at 1120, the Duchess at 1135. Well, suppose I squeeze you in at, say, midnight?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, how perfect. The witching hour.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, you can park your broom in the hall and come right in.

[Joan Caulfield]

Good evening, your grace.

[Bob Hope]

Mimi.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, Homer, I must be sorry.

[Bob Hope]

You'll have to buy a raffle ticket like the rest.

[Joan Caulfield]

Homer, you're in danger.

[Bob Hope]

This is the kind of danger I like.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, whatever you do, don't touch the wine at the banquet tonight. General Francisco is going.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got any extra sense then?

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, listen to me.

[Bob Hope]

Run along, girl. You're beginning to bore me.

[Joan Caulfield]

Your Grace, I simply must see you tonight.

[Bob Hope]

Sorry, honey. Book solid. Leave your name and I'll give you the first cancellation. Next. Who's next? Oh, what a racket. Oh, Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the beloved sovereigns of our two great nations, Philip of Spain and Louis of France. What's the matter, your grace? Not toasting your king? I. Well, I don't think I better have any wine. I have to drive. Just make mine a short lime cola. Drink it or you insult our king. Oh, well. Hey, what's in this wine? I'd better stir it up a little. Yikes. The spoon dissolved. That wine comes to the king's own cellar. Well, maybe he's been playing with his chemistry set down there. This mickey doesn't need fins. It's jet propelled. What's the matter, my boy? Something wrong? Oh, I just remembered I have a horse outside. I'm double parked. Well, it's been fun.

[Joan Caulfield]

Homer. Homer.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, Mimi, you were right. I've been a fool.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, and so have I. Mimi, we

[Bob Hope]

gotta get out of here.

[Joan Caulfield]

We'll never make it together. You go on alone.

[Bob Hope]

And leave you?

[Joan Caulfield]

Never. Oh, but you must.

[Bob Hope]

I said never.

[Joan Caulfield]

But they'll cut you to pieces.

[Bob Hope]

I'll send for. Oh, Mimi, I know I'm not good enough for you. Just a coward with seven up in my blood. But when I'm near you, it Starts to boil and bubble and every bubble starts to bubble and every bubble's bubble bubbles. I feel like a lovesick pressure cooker. Honest, Mimi, I'm fizzing all over with love for you.

[Joan Caulfield]

I know it, darling. I fizz a little myself.

[Bob Hope]

There he is. Call up Pedro. Quickly. Homer, run for your life. I've come to report, general. Well, the duke has been returned quite unharmed to his room. Good. He must still find a way to dispose of him tonight. Oh, one other matter, sir. Our men have just captured a stranger found not 10 minutes ago in the garden with Princess Maria. What? Who is he? He refuses to say. Dressed like a lackey, he has all the manners of a French nobleman. French nobleman, eh? Carlos, take me to this stranger at once. On your feet, Frenchman. So you dare visit a garden of our Princess Maria? Princess Maria? What did you say? How dare you molest her? Princess? You mean that girl? You mean she is the princess of Spain? I assure you, his Majesty won't consider this a laughing matter. Take me to the king at once. Why? Because I am the Duke de Chandre. This ring on my finger will identify me. And who is that idiot masquerading as you? Why, that's my barber. You think I almost let him marry my princess? Come, sir. Take me out of here. No. Oh, no, I don't think so. My friend, your barber, shall marry the Princess Maria. Now, look, this has gone far enough. Oh, our poor king will be vastly upset. It may even lead to war. I demand you let me out of here. Certainly, your grace. Certainly. Right after the wedding. Hey, what's going on, Darman? What are those bells? They told the hour of marriage. Oh, I thought the phone strike was over. I can't believe. I guess they're just local bells, huh? He fails to appear, then honor is dead. Virtue is dead. Gallantry is dead. And with us, that makes a fivesome. Oh, thank him. Maybe it's he now. Yeah, maybe it's him. It ain't he. It's him. What's this? Your priest not ready yet for your wedding? Oh, well, I. There's been a slight delay, General Francisco. You mean the peculiar incident last night? Oh, no, no. We just. What incident? Just some scoundrel shouted to a high heaven that he was the Duke de Chandre. Yeah, yeah. Well, what did you do with him? What do you suppose we do with a lackey impersonating royalty? I asked you first. Stand him up against the wall. My men raise their rifles and bing, Bing. What a revolting thought. Well, how about getting dressed for your wedding? Oh, it's going to be formal, huh? You have very little time. Where is he, General? The bridegroom? In his room there. Why have you come here, Carlos? And with Mimi to tell you that

[Joan Caulfield]

King Louis of France is suddenly arrived for the wedding.

[Bob Hope]

Louis. What a stroke of luck. You men know what to do. The moment the barber marries Maria, we produce the real Duke de Chandra. Excellent.

[Joan Caulfield]

What do you mean, the real duke?

[Bob Hope]

Mean it, my dear. We happen to have the real Duke de Chandra locked in a dungeon.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, no.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, yes. Now, downstairs, both of you. Are you ready, Maria? The wedding guests are all assembled.

[Joan Caulfield]

As ready as I'll ever be, Father.

[Bob Hope]

The duke has just entered. And King Louis of France has joined us unexpectedly.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Father.

[Joan Caulfield]

Father. Who's that mincing idiot over there?

[Bob Hope]

Boijo. You're betrothed, my dear. The Duc de Chand.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, Father, don't you think that's carrying patriotism a little too far?

[Bob Hope]

Well, I guess you've got a point at that. But it's too late to worry about it now. You're our Maria. King Louis, please. I can't marry the princess. Didn't you recognize me before? Of course I recognized you, but I couldn't let anyone know it. What's happened? Where's Deschange? Oh, never mind. We can't do anything now. You've got to marry her. It's our next. But I love Mimi. Shut up. Mimi? Who's Mimi? You remember, Mimi Pompadour.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, yes, of course.

[Bob Hope]

Mimi. Quiet. Here's that general again. Tell me, your Majesty, is Beaucaire really a good barber? Good. Best barber I ever had. Beaucaire. I haven't had a good shave since you. Oh, no, no. What have I said? Exactly what I hoped you'd say, sire. Thank you for confirming my information. Well, the Princess Maria makes her appearance. Shall we proceed? No, we won't. I got a mind of my own. And I say. Well, if you put it that way. That's better. The Princess Maria. Your Grace. Come, gentlemen. Let them have the next moment alone. Princess Maria. Well, you. You're the girl that the. The coach. The Duke. What are you doing here?

[Joan Caulfield]

I believe I'm to be your bride.

[Bob Hope]

You are? Oh, that's too bad.

[Joan Caulfield]

Until death do us part.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, they're working on that.

[Joan Caulfield]

The chief justice has just entered. Well, I suggest you take me to the altar and let's get this over with as quickly as possible.

[Bob Hope]

Princess Maria. Your Grace. Join hands, please. We are assembled on this solemn occasion. General Francisco.

[Joan Caulfield]

General.

[Bob Hope]

What is it? He's escaped. The Duke de Sandre has escaped. You're sure? Positive. That girl Mimi got the keys. And heaven must act at once. Wait.

[Joan Caulfield]

Hold.

[Bob Hope]

Stop the wedding. Stop. General. What outrage is this? Sire, I accuse this Louis of France of deliberately trying to palm off on the princes of Spain. Not a friend, prince of the blood, not the Duchess Chandra, but Monsieur Beaucaire, a common barber, a buck a shave. And he calls me common. Preposterous. A man lies. Yeah, you bet he does. Just for that, I'm not gonna marry anybody. Oh, nothing personal, honey. Come on, King Louis, let's blow. I repeat, this man is a common barber. And with my glove, I challenge him to a duel. You accept this challenge. Make it hot towels of 50 paces and I'll be interested. Slap him back. Go on, slap me.

[Joan Caulfield]

Like this.

[Bob Hope]

You're sure lucky I haven't got a sword. Perhaps you will accept mine, monsieur. You keep out of this, General Francisco. I don't believe a word you've said. For months I've been aware of your plots against me in the peace of our country here. And at last you have gone too far, Dechandre. You'll be doing Spain a great service. You put an end to this condor with a Spanish sword. Here, I give you my own. You. You're sure you want me to do this? After all, it's gonna be awfully one sided. He deserves to die. On guard, Perry. False. And it's two dozen roses to Louis do. Yeah, but the choice long stem ones, they're out of season. Let's wait till spring, huh? Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Joan Caulfield]

Hey, wait.

[Bob Hope]

Cut that out.

[Joan Caulfield]

Foul.

[Bob Hope]

Get him, Deschamp. After him. A pleasure, sire. Oh. Oh, it's about time you got here, your grace. Well, now that I've worn him down, he's all yours. Wait a minute, Louis. Whom did you just called? The. Why, the real duke, of course. The man I sent to marry your daughter. That's it, Deshond. Teach him a lesson, my boy. Show him our good friends. Hiya, honey. Don't stand there. Come on, we got to get out of here.

[Joan Caulfield]

Darling, you're leaving the palace a coward?

[Bob Hope]

Why not? That's the way I came in.

[Joan Caulfield]

Are you all right? Are you hurt?

[Bob Hope]

I don't know. We'll take inventory later.

[Joan Caulfield]

Oh, don't worry, Homer. I have a carriage waiting outside.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but where will we go?

[Joan Caulfield]

I don't know. We can't stay here and we can't go back to France.

[Bob Hope]

Now, don't worry, we'll find a place. There must be some country where you can die. Of old age. And so the real Duke de Chandra vanquished the wicked general and married his own true love, Princess Maria. General Francisco was banished and there was peace between France and Spain. But what's happened to our hero, Beaucaire and Meagre? Well, let's cross the Atlantic. The year 1776. The place Philadelphia. Where in a side street a sign reads, Homer Beaucaire Barber Ye only four chair shopping in ye colonies. Who's next, please? Oh, I guess you are, Mr. Washington. Good morning, Beaucaire. Morning, sir. The usual, if you please. I can't tell you what it means, but a four chair shop right here in Philadelphia. Tell me, how did you happen to come to America anyway? Well, I had to, General. I'm thinking of buying some stock in the Indians. Say, you're all dressed up today, sir. Sir, you're all dressed up. Something special going on? Oh, Jefferson and the boys have cooked up some sort of Declaration of Independence or something. Oh, one of those. And I ought to drop over and sign it. Chance to use my new quill.

[Joan Caulfield]

New quill?

[Bob Hope]

Yes. Here, take a look. Ben Franklin invented it. Claims it writes underwater. Let me see that. The 76 Special. Yeah, Parker's sure going to be saw all he's got is a 51. I've been helping Martha with the fudge. Oh, by the way, you might. That's my line, if you don't mind. By the way, you might have Mrs. Beaucaire manicure my nails, please. Been helping Martha with a fudge, eh, Mimi? He changes wigs fast. Doesn't he play in all the parts? The. Mimi. Oh, yes, there you are.

[Joan Caulfield]

Coming, darling. Oh, there. There you are, Homer.

[Bob Hope]

Thanks, honey. But look who's under the ladder.

[Joan Caulfield]

Mr. Washington. Well, how are you today?

[Bob Hope]

Splendid today, thank you. A manicure, if you please.

[Joan Caulfield]

My, you have been neglecting them, haven't you?

[Bob Hope]

You can throw the fudge line in there again if you want to. You know, Washington was quite an ad libber, you know. Okay. I. I've been thinking. You know, all this. This could happen only in America. But what's that? Oh, that. That's something that could happen anywhere. Thank you. Thank you. Say, thanks, Bill, for teaming me with my favorite brunette, Joan.

[Joan Caulfield]

Where are your eyes? Bob, I'm a blonde.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but My Favorite Brunette. That's the title of my Paramount picture. Pretty sneaky, huh? Incidentally, Bob, you know those 14 favorite brunettes you brought to Hollywood to plug the picture? Please, Bill. Not plug. I hate the word.

[Joan Caulfield]

Well, we might as well be honest.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but plug always makes me think of Crosby? Yes. Why didn't you go down and meet them, Bob? Oh, I was, but you know, Bill, people like myself hate to get mauled.

[Joan Caulfield]

People like yourself?

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but it's for me personally. The mall the merrier. You know, they say there are seven women to every man in the United States. Bob, how do you rate 14 of them? I don't ask questions. I just have fun. Come on. Good night, Bob and Jo. Is William Keeley saying good night to you from Hollywood?

[Joan Caulfield]

Sam?

[Bob Hope]

This is the american forces radio and television service.