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Ed Wynn - The Fire Chief 32-07-26 (x) The Prince Goes To School
00:28:25
Ed Wynn - The Fire Chief 32-07-26 (x) The Prince Goes To School
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A
Limu.
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Emu and Doug. Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the Emu music. Limu.
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Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save. We save.
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That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty.
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Liberty.
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Liberty Savings.
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B
Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts.
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The Texaco service stations and dealers from coast to coast.
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Present the Fire Chief Double quartet, Don.
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Voorhees and the Fire chief band. Graham McNamee and Ed Wynn, the Perfect fool.
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E
Well, I'm the Chief again. Tonight the program's gonna be different. Good evening. Good evening, Chief. I. Last Sunday, out in the country. Yeah.
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G
What were you doing carrying that lantern?
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E
Well, it was dark in the country, Graham. I was calling on a girl, so I carried the lantern. Well, that's funny.
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G
When my uncle was carting his wife in the country, he didn't use a lantern.
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E
Oh, I. I don't doubt that, Graham, but look what he got.
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G
Well, never.
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E
Never mind that, Chief.
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G
What I want to know is, did you behave yourself?
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E
Oh, what do you mean, Graham?
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G
Well, I. I mean, did you keep the Commandments?
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E
Oh, don't be silly, Graham. I always keep the commandments.
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A
You do?
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G
Yes.
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My great trouble is with the amendment. That's my fellow. Oh, I felt fine when I called on my girl. I felt late. But her father took us on an automobile trip and I had to be good. Graham. Did you? Yes. Between his car and the bum roads, that knocked the devil right out of me, Graham.
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G
Well, I finally got you to ride in an automobile anyway, didn't I?
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E
Yes, you did, Graham, but the least you can do for me now is to get on a horse.
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G
Well, Chief, isn't it true that horseback riding gives you a headache?
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E
What are you talking about? Riding a horse gives you a headache, Williams. Yeah, on the contrary, on the contrary. And once more, if more people rode horses, there would be less accidents over the weekend.
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G
Still talking in the past, aren't you, Keith?
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E
That was before Four Wheel Break. Oh, Graham, I'm glad you said Four Wheel Brake. That reminds me of a beautiful song. I'm going to have Don play it. It's about Four Wheel Break, you know. Yeah, the title of it is Four Wheel Break the Noon to Mother.
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Sam. It's Sam.
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Keith, I think the depression's about over. I read according to statistics, every man, woman and child in this United states is worth $43.50.
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Oh, that's true, Graham, but the trouble is we owe it to each other. You see? That's it, big brother. Have you got a remedy, Chief? Well, in my opinion, Graham, what this country needs most of all is the man who can make the United states fail for 50 cents on the dollar. That's what I'll be.
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G
Well, according to you, things are only fair.
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Well, if the people don't fault Graham, you take last Sunday. I was down at the beach and a big fat woman was sitting on the stand. And when she got up, Graham, do you know she left A terrible depression.
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G
But the stock market's getting better, isn't it, Chief?
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E
I don't think so, Graham. I understand the 5 and 10 cent stores are putting in the stock and bond department. I don't know. I care about Chief. What's the music going to be? Well, we're talking about the stock market, so I'll have John play the new incest. The title of it is It's a Wise Stuff that Knows Its Own part.
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Come to my foil pants from the end of the land, Illinois. All restless is home, Illinois. Your campus is home, Illinois. Your arms are a stretch of feet of shopping your bow to be Just welcome to you, Illinois.
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Sam.
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We'Re loyal to you, Illinois. We're orange and blue, Illinois. We'll fight you to stand against the best in the land for we know you have Stand till the march, old man. Folks racing ahead in the morning.
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For.
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We check the big fate of you in the morning. Breakfast is home, Illinois. Your campus is home, Illinois.
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E
Well, here's the Chief again. Oh, that reminds me. That reminds me, Graham, did you notice I got here early tonight? I came in an airplane.
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You?
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G
In an airplane?
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Yeah.
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G
How fast you go, Chief?
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Oh, I should say about 350 miles an hour.
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G
Oh, Chief, 350 miles an hour.
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Well, that's. I went about 286 miles an hour.
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G
Oh, even 286 miles an hour.
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E
Well, I bet I went 115 miles an hour.
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G
One minute, Chief.
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One hundred and fifteen. Oh, well, then let's stop talking about it all together. You'll have me backing up in a minute. My goodness.
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G
Well, didn't you look at your speedometer?
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E
No, I didn't, Graham.
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G
Well, Chief, in a car with Texaco fire. Chief, gasoline in the tank. You've got to watch the speedometer.
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If you don't, the old needle starts.
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Creeping up on you. Until the first thing you know, you'll be telling some judge all about fire Chief gasoline. This fire engine gas certainly gets you Places in a hurry fill up with fire chiefs. Watch your speedometer and be sure your brakes are in condition.
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Oh, my uncle has great brakes on his car, Graham. They're so good that if he has an accident hits a man, he can stop right on him. Think of that. Oh, he says he would like to use fire chief gas, but he thinks it would cost too much, Graham.
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G
Oh, that just is the big point, Chief. You tell your uncle the surprising thing is a Texaco fire chief costs no more than ordinary gasoline. He'll not have to pay a premium for Fire chief. Quantity production and advanced refining processes have made it possible to sell this emergency fuel in all our 48 states at no extra price.
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Oh, well, I'm going to write that to a friend of mine. He's got eight automobiles, Graham, and he's had them all for three years.
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G
A man keeps eight automobiles. Well, depression didn't hurt him, did it?
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Oh, well, it did in a way, Graham. He's an automobile dealer.
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Sa Sam. Sa.
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Me I am for misunderstood all things be good to me. Oh, we have some pity. I'm all alone in this.
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It's cockeyed. He's so cockeyed every time he puts a penny in the slot machine. He's so cockeyed that every time he puts a penny in that machine for chewing gum, he gets a piece of chocolate. Isn't that wonderful?
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G
Yeah, he's cockeyed.
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E
Well, as the Caton rises, we see the hero dressed up in a loud suit of knickerbockers. He looks like a sport model of the Missing Leaf. His father, who is the King, is so rich, Graham, that he bought six radios just to keep them shut off. Wait, you haven't heard anything yet. The king takes his son to the royal doctor. He says, doctor, there is something wrong with his son, the Prince. He keeps thinking that he's a poodle dog. The doctor looks at Prince Obatoli and says, there's nothing wrong with your son. Just because he thinks he's a poodle Door. He's conceited. When you hear this, Graham, when you hear it, listen, you better sit down. You'll laugh and fall over, Graham. I will. Well, what the prince. The doctor said, what the prince needs is a college training. That's a bright remark, I think the king says, you are right, Doctor. I will send him to moron College. And the doctor says, why, when the Prince Faith came in here, I thought he was a magician. Because when he took his hat off, there was nothing under it. Will you hear this opera Graham. Yeah? This is too much for the 18 year old son. The Prince, you know. And he says papa, I'm going out to play. And the king says what? Play with those holes in your pants? And the prince says no, with my dog. Wait, wait a minute. Now don't interrupt big man, all right? And the doctor says. The doctor said, are you fond of dogs? Are you careful with your dogs? And the Prince said I'm very careful. I walk on them as little as possible. Wait a second. I bet the king says, can a college course help this son of mine? And the doctor says, well, if they only give that kid of yours a blank sheet of paper to read, it'll improve his mind. Second, no. The king says, well then I'll send him to college. But son, before you go, I want to give you one piece of advice. After you graduate, son, always be nice to people who never went to school or college. If you're not nice to them, they may never lend you any money. Say that, don't it.
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Sam it.
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Now, Graham. The second act of the opera shows the Prince. He's at college now. He's studying to be a moron. Yes, we find him in the English class. The professor says to him, Prince, define the word he. And the prince says the word he is a piper pronoun the way he is a place of pronoun at all times except when used for laughing purposes, like hehehe. The professor said, that's excellent. Now tell me something about Washington. And the young dope says, Washington. Washington is a fight in war, the fight in peace and fate in the American League. The professor said, that's excellent too. Now one more example in English. Give me a sentence using the word fascinate. And the prince says, that's easy. President Hoover has nine buttons on his bet, but he can only fascinate. The prince goes to the natural history class and the natural history teacher said to him, how was iron discovered?
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Prince?
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And the prince says, iron was discovered because somebody smelt it. Really, in a minute I'll be absolutely hysterical. His teacher said that's fine, you can move up a seat. You are now next to the last in your class. And you wouldn't be there except the village idiot is home state. Just then the athletic coach sees the prince. And he said to the prince, I can use you. You have a football face, your features.
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G
Are in a huddle.
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But he says, I don't know if you're limber enough. Why do you walk so stiffly? And the prince said, I'm breaking in some new Underwear. I'll die laughing, but yeah. So that night, the prince is so excited about getting on the football team that he can't sleep. It seems that he has a four poster bed and he keeps awake all night trying to make touchdowns. No one ever thought of that before. Well, the next day, passing the backyard of the house, the prince sees a slip of a girl on a watch line.
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He.
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That'S a good place for it. He waits for the girl to come out of the house. She comes out eventually. She is a fleeting vision in white. She's a traveling nightmare. So the prince rushes to her and says, I do not know your name, but your breath is like wine. There are clothes in your hair. I will call you my Virginia Hand.
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Say that.
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Now, Graham, in the straight act of the opera. This is really the best of all the acts.
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Good.
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We see the prince and his sweetheart. They are now lovers and they are walking together through the field. They pass a nation farmer bending over, you know, the farmer's bending way over. And they see an old rustic seed in the country.
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Well.
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The prince, the prince turns to the girl and asks her for a kiss. She refuses.
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No.
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Yes.
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You see, the prince doesn't know that she's just like an ocean liner. It takes a tug to start her, you know. Anyhow, she says, we'd better go in, it looks like rain. And the prince has little dogs that will and little dogs that won't. And she said, what are you talking about? Little dogs that'll reign, little dogs that won't reign. And the prince says, well, pups it will and pups it won't. That night the prince is absolutely flabbergasted. He calls on a girl only to find another man had the girl in his arms and hunting her and kissing her. The prince says, tell that man to stop kissing you. And the girl says, tell him yourself. I don't even know him. That to me is a big thing. She was right. The prince says to the man and says, how many times did you kiss her? Why do you think? The man says, graham.
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What?
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The man says, I don't know how many times I kissed her. I lost a finger in the war and I can only count up the nine. To me that's brilliant. The twin. The prince is so mad, you know, he frauds at the mouth. The stranger gets angry and he frauds at the mouth too. And as they are both frauding at the mouth, they challenge each other to a drool. Well, after the drool, the prince, the prince, Graham takes the gale and the dance and says, I have brought you anomic ring. And she says, oh, that's lovely. This is so unexpected. At that moment, the girl follow six's head. The sticks his head.
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Sam.
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Oh, you know, Graham, I love that. That's a beautiful melody.
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Yeah.
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The name of that is he was dead and she was happy. What do you mean by that? I mean the merry widow. I got it all mixed up. Well, come on, Keith.
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Let's get down to these letters, shall we?
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Yeah, I'd love to.
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All right.
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Here's one from Helena, montana. Dear chief, I'm invited to my first picnic next Sunday and I would like to be prepared for some of the things that are going to happen. You think we'll have a buggy ride? Signed ecstasy.
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Dear ecstasy, I've been on a lot of picnics. You may not have a buggy ride, but I'll guarantee that you'll have a buggy case. I know that.
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G
Here's one from oklahoma city, Oklahoma.
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Yeah.
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Dear chief, I am in love with a fellow who works on a horse ranch. Dear here. And I think he loves me, too.
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He acts very bashful when he's with.
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Me, and I think this is due to the fact that he only understands horses. How can I find out if it is serious in his intentions to me?
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Signed flustered. Dear flustered, as your sweetheart knows nothing but horses. If he gets serious, you'll know it immediately. The first thing he'll do is open your mouth and look at your teeth.
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G
Here's one from edgartown, Martha's vineyard, massachusetts. Dear chief, at a meeting of our club last Friday, we were discussing which was the most popular name of cities in this country. One says springfield is used the most. Another says washington. One says centerville.
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What do you say?
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Sign Tourists.
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Dear tourists, the most popular name that I have seen is goslow. There seems to be one in every state in the union. You'll notice it on all the signs. Goslow. It's spelled g o s l, o, W. Well, chief. Oh, here's one you'll like. Chief.
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G
Here's one from chillicothe, ohio. Dear chief, I am a boy, 8 years old, and at Sunday school last.
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Week the teacher spoke about mount Ararat.
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Can you tell me where this mountain got its name?
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Signed boy scout. Dear boy scout, Mount ararat got its name from a pussycat. Many years ago, there was a cat that stuttered. And as he would whoopi open the hill, the stuttering cat said, I smell out of rat. And now here's one.
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G
Here's one, chief from Chicago Illinois.
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Oh, go ahead, Chief, rebate yourself. Well, this one says, Dear Chief, what do you think of this? I put some Fire Chief gasoline on my grapefruit and it increased the squ 50%. Well, I'll answer that one later. I don't like.
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G
Just what does the United States government consider an emergency motor fuel? Exactly this. A grade of motor fuel suitable for uses in ambulance fire engines and emergency vehicles. This statement is taken from their pamphlet VVM571, which contains complete specifications for emergency motor fuel. Texaco Fire Chief gasoline surpasses these specifications. An emergency fuel brimming over with fire engine power. Think of it. The same type of gasoline which the United States government specifies for emergency vehicles you can now have for your own use. At the price of ordinary gasoline, you pay no premium. Texaco Fire Chief is sold at all red Texaco pumps and at Texaco pumps only. And remember July, engine heat requires a motor oil that will not thin out or break down. Crash proof Texaco is that motor oil. It is sold wherever you see the Texas Red. Start with the green teeth.
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Each week the Texas Company presents over a coast to coast network Ed Wynn, the Perfect fool, supported by a cast of more than 50 artists including Don Boys, the Fire Chief Double quartet and Graham McNamey. Louis A. Whitten, speaking for the Texas Company, extends its invitation for next Tuesday at the same hour. Whenever you hear the siren and bell, think of textile Fire Chief gasoline.
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The music on tonight's Fire Chief program included. I Got Rhythm Illinois. We're loyal to you, Lady B. Good selections from the Merry Widow and love is sweeping the country. This is the National Broadcasting Company.
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Weaf.
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Here we are.