← Harold's Old Time Radio
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Peter Bruff
How to have fun anytime, anywhere. Step one, go to chumbacasino.com chumbacasino.com Got it. Step two, collect your welcome bonus. Come to papa. Welcome bonus. Step three, play hundreds of casino style games for free. That's a lot of games, all for free. Step four, unleash your excitement. Chumba Casino has been delivering thrills for over a decade. So claim your free welcome bonus now and live the chumba life. Visit champacasino.com no purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply. We present Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Archie. We'll be educating in March so we'll be busy for a while. With Robert Morton, Hattie Jakes, Max Bygrave, the Danner sisters and the Headley Ward trio. We'll be educating our sheep. Oh, what a job for any. He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem you can steal to be educating. And here are Peter Bruff and Archie Andrew Brass. Yes, Archie, what is it, brat? Can I have a word with you before you go out this morning? All right, Archie, but make it short because I have an important business appointment and I don't want to be late. Oh, this won't take a minute, bruh. Here, let me help you on your overcoat. Oh, thank you, Archie, very much. There you are. That's right. Now put your arm in there. That's the idea. Now I'll just give a little brush for you. There you are. Well, that's very nice of you, Archie. Oh, dear. What's the matter? Nasty black mark on the back of your overcoat. Oh, wonder how that got there. Archie, that isn't a clothes brush. It's the boot brush. I'll get the tips. Don't bother, Archie. Don't bother. Don't bother. All right, I'll give it another rub for you. There you are, there's one. It's a nice little rub. There. Now look what you've done. You're gonna torn it. I'm sorry, Brad. Well, say what you want to say and let me go. Come on. I don't think there's much point now, Archie, what is it you want? Can you lend me five shillings? No. Half a crown? No. Sixpence? No. Want any boots clean? No, I don't. Archie, I've told you about this before. Every time you borrow money, you lose a friend. All right, let me fire Bob and I'll try and get along without you. What's this money for anyway, Archie? Well, brat, as you probably know, November 5th is Guy Fawkes Day. And I. You thought you might have some fireworks, hey? Well, you're wrong, Archie. We've had all this out before. Fireworks are dangerous. Somebody might get hurt. Yes, you might get hit in the pocket. That's enough. The money has nothing to do with it. This Guy Fawkes business is getting too much. Why, only yesterday a little boy with his face all painted black and red kept pestering me. You don't do that sort of thing, do you, Archie? Hit me, bruv. No, no, I wouldn't do a thing like that. What? Big old. Well, I'm very glad to hear it, my boy. Really getting too bad, you know, this little fellow yesterday just wouldn't let me go. Chased me all the way down the high street shouting, remember the guy. Remember the guy. Disgraceful, bruh, Disgraceful. Yes, he's pulling a little wagon with a. With a horrible looking guy in it. Horrible? Yes, dressed in a lot of dirty rags. Oh, it was awful. How frightful for you, bruh, how frightful. What did you do? Eh? What did you do? Well, in the end, to get rid of him, I gave him some money. You gave him some money? That's right, Archie. He looked so pathetic with his ragged clothes and painted face. He touched me. It's a lie. I didn't lay a finger on him. What's that? Tell me, Raffert, how much did you give this boy? Oh, I gave him half a crown. How much? Half a crown. I'm a fool, I know. I should have my head examined. You want your eyes tested, too? That half a crown was only a penny. What? Oh, so it was you, Archie, was it? So you wouldn't dress up as a guy. How could you tell me such stories? Fancy dressing yourself like that and running down the streets begging for money. Don't but me. How could you behave in such a fashion after all I've done for you? Bring you up the right way, spend money on your education. You disgrace me like that in front of all the neighbors. Now listen, don't interrupt when I'm talking to you. You're a thoroughly naughty boy. Not content with begging for money in the streets. You. You try and catch it off me afterwards. But I. I only wanted a few fireworks like other boys and girls. I never get any fun at all. Oh, yes. Don't need to talk to me like that. Archie. Archie, Archie. It's no good. You can't get around me now. Archie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be as harsh as that. You didn't know. Here's your five shilling. Couldn't make it ten, could you? What? Now, go on, go on. Buy yourself some nice fireworks. Oh, thank you, Br. Thank you. Well, I must get to business. And if you spoil my everyday coat, I'll have to wear my best one. Your best ever coat? Yes, you know, the new chocolate brown one. I'll get it for you, Brad. Thank you, Archie. Thank you. It's in the hall cupboard. Archie. It's in the hall cupboard. Archie. Where are you going? It is Ryan here and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper? A woo hooer? A hand clapper? A high fiver? I kind of like to high five. But if you want to hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumbacasino. At Chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casinos games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly, plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most Fun ever@shambacasino.com no purchase necessary. BGW terms and conditions 18/ this episode was brought to you by Allianz Travel Insurance. You're all packed for the family trip, but your kid catches a bug at school. Our trip cancellation benefits can help. Learn more@allianztravelinsurance.com I got to undress the guy. What? My vest over? Well, there's nothing you don't know. Hello, Cynthia. You're just in time to stop the fight. What fight? The fight that was going to start if you hadn't come in just then. Well, and what does my little mind of information know this week, eh? Well, we're going to have lots of fireworks this year, Artie. My dad's getting them from the shoe shop he works in. Getting fireworks from a shoe shop? Yes. All he has to do is stop wearing suspenders. Now, Cynthia, explain yourself, please. Well, I heard my mum talking to my dad and my mum said if you don't pull your socks out, you're going to get a rocket from your boss. My mum's promised us we can have a fireworks party if my dad borrows one of the bathroom fixtures from the local pub. If your dad borrows one of the bathroom fixtures from the local pub. That's right. I heard my mum talking to my dad and my mum said just you bring home that shower from the Coach and Horses, then you'll see the sparks fly. I just learned a new song. Yes. All right. Again this couldn't happen again this is the thrill of a lifetime this is the moment divine Again this couldn't happen again this is the thrill of a lifetime this is the moment divine Again Just couldn't happen again this is the thrill of a lifetime this is the moment divine Again this this couldn't happen again oh, couldn't it? That's what you think. Again this doesn't have. Goodbye, Cynthia. Bye, Archie. Bye. By I'm Alabami bound Just see those woman porters hanging round Just gave the meanest ticket man on earth all on earth to put my tootsies in and up her birth Just hear that choo choo sound I know that soon we're gonna cover ground and then I'll holler so the world will know Here I Alabam bound Alabam the train is taking me home When I get to Alabany nevermore will I roam Cuz my ever loving baby she's going to be waiting there I know tell me, tell me honey tell you what I'm going to settle for a train ride and hear the whistle blow I can hear that choo choo whistle blow Watch that engine when we start to go now we're falling more knocking at fix his door Watch that bill Louisville we've had that before Fields of cotton tell me where I am Hear that party yelling hella bell Mommy Nami get your kisses ready for your honey llama Mellow family bound to see those forma potters hanging round Just gave the memesticket man on earth all our worth to put my tootsies in an upper berth Choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo we got a covered ground and then I'll holler so the world will know Here I go go We're Alabama bound chucka Like a chuckle Like a chuckle Like a chuckle Like a chuckle Like a chuckle Like a chuckle like a chuckle all the bulls Alabama we're Alab. Oh I'm Alabami off to see the mater I'm Alabamy bound and a jolly good morning to one of all and thank you, Headley Waltria Matano. Sisters, that was wonderful. You know, you really are in a class by yourself. Yes, that goes for me too. Oh, hello, Andrews. Good morning, sir. I'm looking forward to November 5th, aren't you? Oh, rather. If there's one thing I like to see, it's the boys enjoying themselves? Oh, good. I want you to have fun, Andrew. Yes, but now. And I'm personally going to see that you have a rip snorting time. It's a wonderful thing. Good. Well, can you spare a copper for the guy? No. Now for the first. Now we'll take the first lesson. Oh, now, come on, sir. You must be able to spare a coffee. Now look, Andrews, I'm not made of money. I mean, since I received my salary, I had to take Agrabah out five times. But that's a shilling gone. A shilling, eh? Just one long round of pleasure, that's it. But in any case, Andrews, have you got a guy? Oh, yes, yes, I've got everything arranged. Now, this is the chair that we're going to put him in. Splendid. Good. Now, would you mind trying it for size? Oh, no. Now, Andrews, I can see what's in your mind. You want to collect coppers for the guy while I sit in the chair with a funny mask on. I hadn't thought of a funny mask. Yes, I. No, I. I won't do it, Andrews. I mean, what you want are some old clothes. Then you fill them with rubbish. And a stuffed head on top. Exactly. Now, would you mind trying the chair for size? That's quite enough, Andrews. But I shall help you set the fireworks off, providing you keep to the instructions. All right, I'll set the big ones off. No, you won't. You can only set one off and then go to bed. Go to bed? Yes, those are the instructions. Light the blue paper, then retire. Oh, get in there, Morton. I'm cracking away like a well oiled machine. I don't have a machine. But you're well oiled. Now ease up, Andrews, because we're going to have a good time. And I've already lit the bonfire. You've lit the bonfire? But it's only Monday. Now, November 5th is until the weekend. Oh, dear. Well, we just have to keep it from going up. I wish somebody would keep you from coming in. Never mind. I've got a lot of dead wood we can use as fuel. Tell me, is old wood better for fuel? Oh, yes. There's no fuel like an old fuel. Crisp. Very crisp. Certainly. Take the biscuit. I do think so. Eh? Crackers. Well, you know, I enjoyed it. And there's only one thing that I enjoy more. Oh, Robbie. The answers. Yes. Guess. Guess what. Yes, guess what. Guess which brings the score to one all. Oh, Robbie, I'm so excited about the bonfire. You and me going round, seeing the place lit up and then After a while, he'll be lit up and the place will be going round. Now, simmer down, Andrews. I say, look, Agatha, I've. I bought you a firework. Oh, you shouldn't throw your money around like that. It must have cost you at least fourpence. I say, Agatha, will you. Will you come to the bonfire with me? Of course. I'm glad you asked me. But what sort of firework is this? It's an Agatha wheel. Oh, no, Robbie. Wobby. You mean a Catherine wheel. Catherine won't. That's why I asked you. Oh, Robbie. So you call it an Agatha wheel? Yes, because if you push it around, the sparks fly off it. Oh, get in twice, Wharton. Oh, Robbie. Let's forget all our differences and look forward to the big night. Are any of your friends coming, Archie? Oh, yes, my two closest friends. Stinker and few. Are they very close friends? Not if I can help it. I should wear a sweater at the bonfire, Archie. Oh, why that? Oh, so that you can then get your clothes dirty. I bought a Nicolin telephone star. My baby's number. Busy D. I only said don't get your clothes dirty. I thought you said Rose Murphy. Robert Morton, if that's the way you feel. Rose Murphy indeed. I'll go to the bonfire alone. But, Agatha, let me see. No, don't try to get round me. I'm going. Yes, but if you'll only let me see. No, you've said enough. Now, don't try to explain. I don't hear any more. We're definitely through. I don't have ever to hear your voice again. Never, never, never. And there's one more thing. What's that? What did you want to say? Oh, yes, this is the voice of them, all right. You just couldn't resist that one, could you, sir? Oh, well, it's just my living. Well, your living has all been in vain. Hello. What's that, I wonder? Here. Are you shaking your head? No, I've arrived in the. Prove it. I'm here. Ah, hello, Mr. Bygraves. Here. What's the bell for? Fire drill. I'm gonna give you a fire drill in case there's a fire. Steady moment. That's the coal scuffle you're wearing, isn't it? No, it's my helmet now. Well, you've dented it. Yes, well, here's the Amar. Archie, try and straighten it out. All right. Here we are. Wouldn't it be easier if you took it off? Well, never. All the coal all over the place. You mean to say you've Got coal in it? I had to, son, to make it fit. Otherwise it's a bit tight around me shoulders. Now, first of all, there are four types of blazes. Go on. Yes, there are. One, the coal blazes. Two, the chemical. Yes. Free the wood blazes and pour the goat uplazes. And you. Now, don't ever treat a chemical fire with a potter. What's the pot for? Make the tea in. Now, resist a moment. I mean, what would you do in the case of a large contra grateful? A large configuration. Yes. Take the hat round. Now the sun. The first thing to do in the case of a fire is to dial 476. And then what happened? Nothing. It's the wrong number. Now, Dr. Morton. Look, you go up to the bedroom and stand on the windowsill. What for? Never mind. Go up. Oh, all right, then. Now, funny we are. And follow me down. I've got a ladder at the window. All right, mister. Over I go. Right at the window. What's the good of telling me when I'm halfway down? Oh. You all right, son? Yes, I'm all right. I say, what do you want me to do? Wait a minute, son. Here, hold this blanket at one side and keep it tight. All right, I got it. Ready, Mr. Morton? Jump. No. Oh. Come and jump into this blanket. I can't even see it. In any. Any case, I know what's going to happen. What? When I jump, you'll move the blanket. Now, honestly, we won't, will we, Archie? No, we won't. Really, sir. Well, I don't trust you. Oh, come on. Jump. No. I'll tell you what. I thought we were ripping wheat. You put the blanket on the ground, then I'll jump. Head like a sieve. This I've got to see. Yeah. I'll tell you what, then. Slide down the drain pipe, Dr. Morton. All right, I'll try. Look at him. Look at him. Did you ever see anything so stupid? And he's silly, eh? Slide down the outside of it. Look out. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. I fell. I thought you were playing dominoes. You're telling me you fell? Yes. Now, please don't tell Andrews. Otherwise he'll laugh at me. I don't think he will. Why not? Where is he? I'm under you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, towards the end of the 16th century, there lived a woman, Mrs. Fawkes. And now, for argument's sake, let's say she had three sons. Guy Fawkes, Robert Fawkes and Max. Three fearless, undaunted, intelligent boys. Now, you know that Guy always had a passion for gunpowder and his mother was worried. So one day. Boys, I want to talk to you. Yes, Mother. Where's your brother, Guy? He's down in the cellar, Mother. Down in the cellar, eh? He's not experimenting with that gunpowder again, is he? Oh, no, Mother. Well, we'll see about that. Guy, are you down there? Yes, Mother. What are you doing? I, I, I, I'm writing. Yes, that's right. He's, he's writing. Oh, very well. What was that? I think he dropped his pen. Oh, he's down in the cellar. Is he not bothering with gunpowder, eh? Downstairs, is he? Yes, Mother. Then perhaps you'll tell me who that is coming downstairs from upstairs with a black face. Hello, Mother. I heard a noise, so I came downstairs. Guy, you've been messing about with cup gunpowder and bombs again. Oh, no, Mother. Oh, no. What are you holding behind you? If you don't tell me, I'll send you all upstairs to bed. Well, now we're in the bedroom. Go to bed. All right, Mama. Good night. Good night. Now listen, listen. I found the solution, chaps. One handful of potliard like this. Now just put a handful of tricholite with it. Listen, it's all right. It's all right. I say, let me have a girl. All right, don't forget, don't forget. But just a handful. All right, now a handful of poplar and a handful of Tripolite. Now, ready? Yes. Big hand. Quick, quick, into bed before Mother comes. Boys, Boys. Yes, Mother? Anything the matter? I heard a bang. A bang, Mother? Yes. And boys, where's the roof? And so their mother forbade them to mix gunpowder. But she suspected that they were still experimenting secretly. Every night they would go upstairs to bed. Good night, Mama. Good night, boys. Then she would go to the front door and let them in. Oh, really? This is the fourth time this week this has happened. Your bedroom must be in a shocking state. No, Mother. It's all right. It's okay. Mother. Mother, it's fine. Fine, is it? I'll go and see. Then she opened her bedroom door and stepped out into the main street. Eventually. Yes, eventually the bros grew older and they took an interest in politics. Guy Fawkes was against the government, who, according to him, were all Naves. It was like a well laid table. Naves on the right, fox on the left. Listen, fellas, listen, listen. We must get rid of this government. I say, supposing we kidnap. Nah, no good at all Here. What about a revolution? Next thing you know, you'll want to blow them all up. Boys, where are you going? But it was too late. They had gone. For the next few weeks they piled up gunpowder underneath the House of Commons. Then came the night. Listen, fellas, we got to get past the night watchman first. I'll tell you what, when he walks past the end of the alley again, we'll grab him. It good idea. Here he comes. Look at him. 9:00 and all the well and steady and ain't the clock and all. Well, that's it. That's it. Now all we have to do is to pass the sentry. I've got an idea. Who goes there? Friend or fo? Friend. Oh, friend. Oh, that's a bit awkward. Now, the last time I said advance, friends, somebody made one. But wait a minute. It's all right. Here comes my relief. Hello, handsome. Blimey, Mother. Quick, through the gates. Oh. Halt. Oh. Halt. And so the chase was on down long winding corridors to the dungeons. Her Senshi was so close to their heels that twice they were able to ask him the way. Here we are. Here we are. Close the door. Quick. A match. Oh, dear, no matches. Wait a minute. How. Say, where did you get that sentry? Okay, I like the fuse. Here. Now, quick, everybody outside. Oh, now we're away from it. Ah, before they find the gunpowder, the whole place will go sky high. Aren't we the kid? Steady. Any minute now. Ah. What's the matter? What's up? Oh, you fool. That wasn't the fuse. It was the string holding up my trousers. Here, let's go back and make sure. Yes, we'll give it another four days. And that. And that was how Guy Fawkes blew up the Houses of Parliament. Just steady a moment. According to the history books, Guy Fawkes didn't blow up the Houses of Parliament. I know, but this is a comedy show and we have to have a happy ending. Oh, I job for anyone. We've all tried to teach him, but what is the good? It just doesn't sink in. His head's made of wood. What a problem child is here. You've heard Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Arty with Robert Morton, Harry Jakes, Max Bygrave, the Tanner Sisters, the Headley War Trio and the Beginning BBC Review Orchestra conducted by Robert Busby. 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