Educating Archie 1951-10-19 The Cinema

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio — "Educating Archie" (1951-10-19: The Cinema)

Episode Theme This episode of Educating Archie, as shared on Harold's Old Time Radio, revolves around Archie's childish schemes, his desire to visit the cinema, and a satirical journey through classroom chaos and flights of fantasy. The script is packed with whimsical jokes, witty banter, British satire, and classic slapstick, effectively capturing the comedic essence of 1950s radio entertainment.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Cinema Adventure

• Setting: After a leisurely Saturday lunch, Peter Bruff tries to enjoy the football match, but Archie’s antics—playacting as a cowboy—disrupt his peace.
• Archie wants to go to the cinema (02:16), but Bruff initially refuses, lamenting the modern generation's obsession with film:
  • "I haven't been to see a film since... since they raised the prices." (02:33, Peter Bruff)
  • Archie insists, "There's a smashing film at the local, honest... all about landing on the planet Mars." (02:47)
• Bruff relents and agrees to let him go, provided he can come along too (03:12-03:20).

The Surreal Cinema Experience

• They arrive at a bizarre, apparently empty cinema run by a rather eccentric man:
  • "Don't just stand there, start [a queue]." (04:19, Cinema Attendant)
  • The attendant insists on strange logistics (queues where there are none, no seats despite an empty theater).
  • Archie, misunderstanding, accidentally ruins the "big picture" film reel thinking it’s a roll of tickets (07:02), much to the owner’s distress:
    • "That's the big picture!" (07:02, Cinema Attendant)
    • "Owe me entertainment. Me Lillian Gish, me business. Oh, flipping kid." (07:06)

---

2. Classroom Antics with Dr. Hancock

• The scene shifts to Archie at school, where Dr. Anthony Hancock immediately suspects mischief:
  • Hancock notes: "Something is of the wind." (10:17)
  • The running gag is that Archie’s desk (and later Hancock’s) has mysteriously vanished:
    • "If you don’t tell me where it is, you’ll have had it again today." (10:52, Hancock)
    • "We had to get rid of it, sir. It was finished. The inkwells were empty." (10:57, Archie)
  • Hancock attempts discipline, directing Archie to copy "I must not flog sir's belongings" 1000 times (12:16), to which Archie wittily replies, "I'd like to, sir." (12:26)

Physical Comedy and a Horse in the Classroom

• The punchline escalates as Mr. Marks brings a horse named "Nelly" into the classroom—the room is being repurposed as a gym, but, as it turns out, they meant a "gymkhana" (horse event), not a gymnasium (17:04-17:16).
  • "A horse? In my classroom? Never. Never." (17:04, Hancock)
  • The animal chaos escalates, culminating in Hancock’s frustration:
    • "That horse would have kicked me down into the main street if it hadn't been for the fire escape." (18:56, Hancock)
    • Marks: "Just because Nellie ate some of your hair, there was no need for you to go round back and have a go at her tail." (19:03)

---

3. Musical Interludes

• Classic radio variety style, the episode features musical numbers:
  • "I Love the Sunshine of Your Smile" (07:35–09:32)
  • "Love is Where You Find It" (19:53–22:16)
  • A showcase for The Tanner Sisters, The Headley Ward Trio, and young Julie Andrews.

---

4. The Wishing Chair—A Surreal Dream Sequence

• Hancock brings in a "wishing chair" due to the lack of classroom furniture. Archie wishes it would stop creaking, then, in proper whimsical style, wishes to see 100 years into the future (23:25).
• He is instantly transported to the year 2051—apparently in the afterlife:
  • "Welcome, Archie Andrews." (23:25, Otherworldly Voice)
  • Archie discovers Dr. Hancock is also "down below," bemoaning his fate. There's quick-fire comedy about income tax and eternal punishment.
    • "If you'd like to see your list, I'll get eight men to bring it up." (25:03, Otherworldly Voice)
    • "You're lucky, Andrews. You've only got horns. Second class. Some of us have tails as well." (25:48, Hancock)
• Wanting to see Miss Dingle Body (Agatha), Archie is whisked "up above"—to a heavenly place where, "If we wish to sleep, we sleep. If we wish to sing, we sing." (27:09, Miss Dingle Body/J)
• Archie rapidly moves back and forth between these two afterlives in classic farce.

---

5. Back to Reality: The Finale

• Archie wakes up—a classic "it was all a dream" twist. He’s relieved, questioning Bruff to confirm reality, and humorously asks to see his income tax return just to be sure (29:40).
  • "Can I see your income tax return?" (29:40, Archie)

---

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the modern love for cinema:
  • "I haven't been to see a film since they raised the prices." – Peter Bruff (02:33)
• Meta-comment on technology:
  • "Talking pictures will never replace the old fashioned horse, will they?" – Cinema Attendant (05:54)
• On the puppy love between Hancock and Agatha:
  • "If that's your idea of wrestling... I'm afraid you'd lose every time." – Hancock (14:38)
• On afterlife bureaucracy:
  • "If you'd like to see your list, I'll get eight men to bring it up." – Otherworldly Voice (25:03)
• Archie’s classic closing quip:
  • "Can I see your income tax return?" – Archie (29:40)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:16] – Archie petitions to go to the cinema
• [03:12–03:20] – Bruff agrees to take him
• [04:19–07:06] – The farcical cinema visit and ticket mishap
• [09:32–14:43] – Schoolroom chaos and disappearing furniture
• [17:04–19:03] – Horse and livestock invade the class
• [19:53–22:16] – "Love is Where You Find It" musical performance
• [22:23–23:25] – The wishing chair: segue to dream sequence
• [25:03] – Comic afterlife bureaucracy: Archie’s "crimes"
• [27:03–29:40] – Archie’s journeys between "heaven" and "hell"
• [29:40] – Wake-up plus closing income tax joke

---

Tone & Style

The episode keeps a breezy, irreverent, and quick-paced comedic tone. Jokes riff on classroom life, British bureaucracy, early-1950s popular culture, and the British fascination with the afterlife, all interspersed with music and surreal comic situations. Archie’s line delivery is cheeky and childlike; Hancock is blustery and official; supporting characters heighten the absurdity and keep the energy high.

---

In essence:
This episode of Educating Archie is a rollicking celebration of British humor, peppered with sharp one-liners, lighthearted musical numbers, and a gentle send-up of authority figures and modern fads. The show’s classic radio construction offers both nostalgia and genuine entertainment value for fans of vintage comedy.

Transcript

[A]

If you're the purchasing manager at a manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted partner makes all the difference. That's why, hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering. With on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need at the start of their shift and you can end your day knowing they've got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[B]

We present peter bruff and archie andrews in educating archie.

[C]

We'll be educating our chiefs so we'll be busy for a while With Alfred.

[B]

Marks, Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, Peter Madden, the Tanner sisters and the Headley Ward trio.

[C]

We'll be educating our chief oh, what a job for any he's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem, you can see to be educating our chief.

[B]

Saturday afternoon lunch is over, the dishes have been cleared away and a man can stretch out his legs in his favorite armchair, switch on the football commentary and relax.

[D]

Or can it?

[B]

Well, we'll soon find out. So let's go over to their house and meet Peter Bro and Archie. Andrew.

[E]

Bangs the ball down the center line.

[F]

He puts it through the basin. Miss.

[D]

Get up, Silver.

[C]

Bang.

[G]

Archie. Archie, please.

[D]

Reach for your gun, partner. I'm a coming in shooting. Bang, bang, bang.

[G]

Archie, please.

[D]

I'm trying to listen to football.

[G]

What do you think you're doing?

[D]

I'm playing cowboys. Which way did they go, sheriff? Oh, they went that away, did they? Get up there.

[G]

Well, stop it, Archie, do you hear? It'll be the most exciting part of the game.

[D]

Come on, the center forward there. Come on, man, shoot, shoot, shoot. Oh, thank.

[G]

Oh, what's the use? I wear a switching of it. No, Archie. You completely ruined my afternoon's enjoyment. You and your cowboys.

[D]

Well, it's your own fault, Bruff. You're the one who wouldn't let me go to the pictures.

[G]

I should think not. Pictures indeed. Why aren't you out playing with the other boys of your own age?

[D]

I can't.

[G]

Why not?

[D]

They've all gone to the pictures.

[G]

Well, I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since.

[C]

Since.

[D]

Since they raised the prices.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[G]

Anyway, I don't approve of young boys going to the pictures so much, that's all.

[D]

Oh, come on, brat. Let me go.

[F]

Please. Please.

[D]

There's a smashing film at the local, honest.

[H]

Please, please.

[G]

No, no, Archie, I'm sorry. Besides, you can see exactly the same film at home on television.

[D]

I know, but who wants to wait 20 years? Come on, Bruff. Please, please. It's a smashing film. All about landing on the planet Mars.

[G]

For the last time, Archie, you're not. Oh, the planet Mars, eh?

[D]

That's it, bruv.

[B]

Hmm.

[G]

Are there rocket ships in it?

[D]

Yes, yes, and ray guns and space helmets and strange creatures from another world and.

[G]

All right, Archie, perhaps just this once, I'll let you go.

[D]

Oh, thank you, Bruff, thank you.

[G]

And Archie. Yes, Bruff, I. Do you mind if I come with you?

[D]

Oh, Bruff, you villain, you. All right, come on, then. Let's go. Come on.

[G]

Well, Archie, I'm sorry that that cinema was full up, but here's a little cinema I've never even noticed before. And this one looks absolutely deserted.

[D]

Well, no wonder. Look who's running it.

[F]

And the next, ladies and gentlemen, if you please, seats in all parts. Absolutely no waiting. Cartoon newsreel trailers, food flash and mammoth stage presentation. Oh, yes, in a film.

[G]

Well, Archie, shall we go in?

[D]

No, not yet, Brat. I'm enjoying listening to this.

[F]

I said the receipts in all parts. Two feature films, 12 rounds of boxing, ice show, amateur talent contest, suits cleaned and pressed.

[G]

2, 2, 1 and threes, please.

[F]

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. 2, 1 and 3s. And your adjusting tuck. Oh, no. Oh, not again. No. Queuing in all parts. Standing at 12 and 9.

[E]

Keep out, James.

[D]

Queuing. Queuing. But there aren't any queues.

[F]

Don't just stand there, start one.

[G]

Just a minute, just a minute. Didn't you just say that there were seats in all parts and.

[F]

Sorry, sir, there isn't a seat in the house.

[D]

Isn't it rather uncomfortable for your customers?

[F]

The kind of customers we get don't know any better. They're used to sitting on the. Get back in line. I saw you trying to dodge to the front of the queue.

[D]

But we're the only two here.

[F]

That's no excuse. You should have come earlier.

[G]

Look, are you sure there's no room?

[F]

I just told you, the place is jammed to the doors and I'm the only one on duty today.

[D]

Well, why aren't you inside?

[F]

Well, it's lonely in there.

[D]

I don't think you know anything about running a cinema at all.

[F]

Oh, don't I? I'll have you know, young man, I was practically born in the cinema.

[D]

Oh, what was showing?

[F]

Ben Hur. It was Jewing. Yes, it was during the Chariot race.

[G]

Archie, Archie, stop annoying the man when he's trying to do his job. Leave him alone.

[F]

Oh, that's all right, sir. I know how excited these youngsters are when they come to my cinema. They just love to see my double features.

[D]

What have you got? Two heads?

[F]

Yes, I use the other one for banging against the wall. Flipping kid.

[G]

Well, tell me, what are you showing today?

[F]

Today? Oh, it's a wonderful picture, Absolutely brand new and all. Yes, there's one terrific scene where the girl is stranded on the ice. You should hear me accompany it on the piano. I go mad. Eh?

[D]

On the piano? You mean it's a silent picture?

[F]

Of course it is. You don't think I bother with them new fangled talkies, do you? Just a silly fad like the motor car.

[D]

Yes, yes, I suppose you're right. Talking pictures will never replace the old fashioned horse, will they?

[F]

Oh, you're so right. Nor will the motor car replace the back row in a cinema. I mean.

[G]

Well, now, tell me, what if you got off besides the film? I hear you said something about a stage show, is that right?

[F]

Oh, yes, a smashing stage show. Oh, we've got a comedian here this week. Oh, dear. Oh, he's terrific. Really? Well, to see it, he is.

[D]

And when does he go on?

[F]

Just as soon as I can get around the back and change it to be funny. Out. When are you coming in or aren't you? The rest of the queue went in hours ago.

[G]

All right, then. Two, one and threes, please.

[F]

Fetch you on. I'll just. Where's the boy? Where's he gone?

[D]

I'm in here. He's a pay box. I'm just getting the tickets. I thought I'd save you the trouble.

[F]

Oh, well, that's very nice of you. Just a minute. What have you got there in your hand?

[D]

This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you.

[F]

But wait. Put it down. Put it down at once.

[D]

What's the matter?

[F]

What's the matter?

[D]

I might as well tear them all in half. After all, you'll have to do it sooner or later.

[F]

But you can't put it down, I say. Why, that isn't a roll of tickets. That's the big picture.

[D]

Oh, dear. Come on, Bruff, let's go over to the other cinema, quick. The audience is just coming out.

[F]

No, come back. Owe me entertainment. Me Lillian Gish, me business. Oh, flipping kid.

[C]

The D Sisters and the Hedley Watch Leo are here to sing for you. And the song we've chosen this week.

[F]

I love the sunshine of your smile.

[C]

I love the sunshine of your smile I love the laughter in your eyes in every dream I dream of you, you are the one I idolize Nobody proves me like you do. You turn the gray skies into blue for you always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine of your smile I love the laughter in your eyes in every dream I dream of you, you are the one idolize Nobody thrills me like you do you turn the gray skies into bl. For you always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine of your smile I.

[H]

Love the sunshine Sunshine of your smile.

[C]

I love the laughter in your eyes.

[D]

In every dream I dream of you.

[C]

Youu are the one I don't eyes nobody thrills me Thrills me like you do you turn the gray skies into blue oh, you always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine, the beautiful sunshine I love the sunshine of your smile.

[D]

Poor little archie, battling against Dr. Hancock, alias Pippin Head. I certainly have my sympathy. Poor little Archie. That's enough.

[C]

Stop.

[D]

Hamlet talked to himself and look what happened to him.

[F]

Good morning, Andrew.

[D]

Good morning, sir. Nice day. Are you sleeping well?

[I]

Rather.

[H]

Good.

[D]

I won't wake you up.

[F]

Andrews, you are exceedingly jovial this morning. To a casual observer, all would appear to be well. Nya. But it isn't nya, is it? Nga. Over to you.

[D]

I beg your pardon, sir.

[F]

Didn't you hear what I've just been saying?

[D]

No. When you started to mien, I went out for a haircut.

[F]

Fussy lad. As I said before, something is of the wind.

[D]

Oh, it'll be the gasworks.

[F]

The gas works are three miles away.

[D]

Well, I was only giving you an alibi.

[F]

I can sense something is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't stand there with that I've just laid an egg smile on your face.

[D]

Well, sir, here's my homework. That question about the triangle is tricky, but.

[F]

Eureka. I know what's different about this room. Your desk. It's gone.

[D]

You see, trigonometry is very difficult, sir.

[F]

Isn't it, Andrews? Where is your desk?

[D]

My desk?

[C]

Oh, my desk.

[D]

Funny, I had it yesterday.

[F]

If you don't tell me where it is, you'll have had it again today.

[D]

We had to get rid of it, sir. It was finished. You see, the inkwells were empty. That's what it was.

[F]

And so you think you pulled a swift one, eh? No desk and no lessons. But you didn't reckon with Dr. Anthony Hancock. If you sold your desk, you can do your lessons sitting at Andrews where's my desk?

[D]

Your desk, sir? Aren't you at it?

[F]

You're doing your best to get me at it, aren't you? For the last time, where's my desk?

[D]

Oh, well, if that's the last time, let's talk about something else, shall we?

[F]

Andrews. Andrews, where is it? I know it was here yesterday because I carbonate. I mean, it was right here. And I sat on this very. Where's me chair? The chair gone on my beautiful desk. Just when I was getting two nice grooves in it for my elbows.

[D]

I bought you an apple, sir.

[F]

I don't want an apple.

[D]

I want my desk, you termite.

[F]

Hi.

[C]

This.

[F]

I want my desk back exactly where it was facing the picture of. Facing that blank wall.

[D]

Blank wall. Oh, so it is. Well, it. I think I'd better go now, sir. I want it on the telephone.

[F]

The telephone is not ringing.

[D]

Well, there's no sense in hanging around till he does, is there?

[F]

Andrews? Since you will not tell me what has gone out of the room, I will check the inventory to see what we have left.

[D]

But sir.

[F]

I've checked it. One pencil.

[D]

One pencil. Don't anybody leave the room. There were two. What's happened?

[F]

Andrews, you will write out for me a thousand times. I must not flog sir's belongings.

[D]

Yes, I'd like to, sir.

[H]

That'll do.

[D]

I like the flog, sis.

[F]

That'll do. Please, Grande. Now I'm going to close my eyes and count 10. When I open my eyes, I want to see a difference. Here goes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. No difference.

[D]

Aha. That's where you're wrong. The pencil's gone.

[F]

The pencil? Oh, no. My favorite pencil. That's the one I used to go rack attack tack against my teeth with.

[D]

Well, now you'll have to get your head and go rack attack against the wall with that.

[F]

Andrews. Andrews, where is my pencil? It can't just have walked off on its own.

[D]

Why not? It was a self propelling pencil.

[F]

My boy, I'm coming to the end of my patience. Don't push me too hard.

[D]

Why not?

[F]

I'm against the window. I mean, if you don't return the pencil, I shall keep you in. And don't forget, I can keep you forever if I wish.

[J]

Thanks for the offer. I accept.

[F]

Hello, my dear.

[H]

Agatha.

[F]

The bell of the ball.

[D]

That's true. And I was certainly saved by the bell.

[F]

But Agatha. Agatha, look at this room. There is a baby. Empty.

[J]

Well, Archie did mention it. He's making it into a gym.

[F]

A gym? Well, Andrews, why didn't you tell me? I would have approved.

[C]

Why?

[F]

I'm all for bodybuilding.

[D]

You should for the Jerry built thing you've got.

[F]

Andrews, my friend, was one of the finest bodybuilders in the country.

[J]

Oh, yes, I heard about him. Made a wonderful job of Frankenstein.

[F]

Oh, Agatha, Agatha, don't mock me about sport. You know that the great love of my life is wrestling.

[J]

Where is she appearing tonight?

[F]

At the boxing. Oh, no, Agatha, you. You misunderstand. I mean, I love wrestling. You know, I grab you by the neck like this, then your left wrist, a quick jerk and. But don't just stand there. Pick me up.

[J]

Oh, Anthony, that was wonderful. Let me show you one. Now put both your arms around my waist.

[H]

There we are.

[F]

But that's not wrestling.

[J]

Who cares?

[F]

I mean to say, Agatha, what would happen if I showed that hole to my wrestling instructor?

[D]

He'd be worried to death about you.

[E]

Well.

[F]

Agatha, if that's your idea of wrestling, I. I'm afraid you'd lose every time.

[C]

Heaven. Heaven.

[F]

I don't quite understand.

[D]

How dense can you get? Do you have to be hit on the head with a brick, sir?

[J]

I'm afraid he does, Archie.

[F]

Oh, Agatha, if you don't mind, I'll answer any questions addressed to me.

[E]

All right?

[J]

All right, Anthony, there's no need to lose your temper.

[F]

I'm not losing my temper, but I'm extremely sensitive to having my head pounded with the school's cornerstone.

[J]

There you go again, talking about your aches and pains and bumps and bruises. Well, let me tell you, Anthony Hancock, the only bruises you have are where you've been sitting down too hard. And the only little bump you have are where you're pleased be to called muscles. And the only lump you have is your shoulders. And the only use I can see for that is to keep your motorboard off your desk. And the only thing I got to.

[D]

Say to you is this.

[J]

Take off this transy Canaria stuff my fingers in your face on me. A trident.

[F]

What does that mean?

[J]

Don't forget tonight. Goodbye, Muscle man.

[D]

Muscle man A. You look more like a popping shrimp to me.

[F]

Never mind what I look like to you. I'm still not satisfied about this empty room and that store.

[E]

Excuse me. Mr. Bargrave's been in you?

[F]

No, I told you last week, he's gone to New York.

[E]

Yes, Then you told me he hadn't got a room here. But I found a room. And I'm the daughter at Mr. Bygrave's private.

[C]

Keep up.

[E]

No admittance Danger. Get out of it get back. No pile, Ken.

[D]

So what did you do?

[E]

I went in. Oh, no, Mr. Bygraves. It was just a trick of his to keep people out.

[D]

And what happened when you went in?

[E]

I fell 20ft through a trap door.

[C]

Oh, dear.

[D]

Poor Mr. Marks. What was down in the trap?

[E]

Oh, just another notice.

[C]

It said.

[E]

I forgot to mention. Mind a step. He was a very thoughtful man, Mr. Bygraves. Always thinking about women.

[F]

Mr. Marks, was that his room?

[E]

Well, it was his stall room.

[F]

You mean storeroom?

[E]

No, everything in it had been stol. By the way, Arts, did you ask Mr. Hancock about this room?

[D]

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, he said we could use it.

[E]

Righto, then. Come on, Gil.

[I]

Get in there.

[E]

Go on, Gil.

[F]

Come on, get in. Gil. What are you talking about? Not who.

[E]

It's a horse. Don't get excited because it's about 60 years old and I don't want it to get frightened when it sees you.

[F]

A horse? In my classroom? Never. Never. I see it all now. The straw, the empty room. You want to make this into a stable?

[D]

Oh, no, sir.

[F]

No.

[D]

You promised we could use it for a gym.

[F]

That's right, a gymnasium.

[D]

Ah, we meant a gym. Car.

[F]

There. Wardy.

[E]

Gil, Warny, up. Steady there, Lee. Steady there, girl. Mind a man with a square hat on.

[F]

Oh, no. Get it out of here. Get it out.

[E]

Don't keep waving your arms around like a Tic Tac man. You'll have it racing.

[D]

Oh, she's all right, isn't she, eh? Where did you find her, Mr. Marks?

[E]

She was in Mr. Bargrave's storeroom on a shelf.

[F]

Mark.

[E]

Livestock.

[D]

Oh, yes, the milkman did owe him some money.

[F]

Well, you can't keep it in here. Put it in the bathroom.

[E]

Can't do that, mate. I've got the chickens in there.

[F]

Chickens in the bathroom? And I suppose you've got a few goats tied up in my bedroom.

[E]

Not only one. I'll have to get rid of that one. It's frightening the pigeons. Mind yourself. Nelly's trotting.

[C]

Hey, hey.

[D]

Hup, hup.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

All we want now is Gordon Richards.

[E]

I'll have a look in the storeroom.

[F]

Well, there. Steady, Nelly. Nice horse. Nice kind horse. Ho, ho.

[E]

Steady. Now, don't jump about.

[F]

It's eating me hair.

[E]

Well, stand still. You got plenty of time before it gets to your head.

[D]

Oh, she's turning round again.

[F]

Wall.

[E]

Get wall. Steady. Put Mr. Hancock down.

[I]

This is too much.

[C]

My hair.

[H]

Look at it.

[D]

Well, it's your own fault, sir. You shouldn't stand in front of it.

[F]

Well, I didn't know.

[C]

Down, Mr. Ancock, sir.

[E]

You shouldn't stand behind it either.

[F]

I'm fed up with this. That horse would have kicked me down into the main street if it hadn't been for the fire escape.

[E]

Well, two wrongs don't make a right.

[F]

What do you mean?

[E]

Just because Nellie ate some of your hair, there was no need for you to go round back and have a go at her tail.

[F]

Well, how was I to know it was watching?

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Nell's a very, very shrewd nut.

[D]

She's really very gentle. If you treat her right.

[F]

Well, you are not going to treat her in here. In future, you will exercise her on the lawn and not in the classroom.

[E]

I'll do that, Mr. Hancock. The lawn ain't big enough.

[F]

There's more space on the lawn than in this classroom.

[D]

There isn't, sir.

[F]

Why not?

[E]

That's where we stack the furniture.

[H]

Love is where you find it don't be blind it's all around you Everywhere Take it Take a chance now For a man now Tell someone that you.

[C]

Care.

[H]

Spring love comes upon you when it's gone you'll feel despair Sooner though in the moon aglow you'll find that a new love is there and all this where you find it Faith decided to be waiting everywhere it may hide from you for a while it may come tonight in a smile by the flame of a new love in your. Don't be blind it all around you Everyone.

[F]

Thank you, Ms. Julie Andrews. That was splendid. Your voice improves with time.

[D]

Yes, your voice is the same, sir, and it might improve.

[G]

Doing what?

[D]

A different kind of time.

[F]

Forward, boy. Now, as we have no furniture, I have bought my own rocking chair. And what's more, it is supposed to be a wishing chair.

[D]

A wishing chair. Oh, I think I'll have four pennies of this.

[C]

That's right.

[F]

That's right. Now rock back and forwards.

[C]

All right.

[D]

I wish. I wish.

[F]

Go on, Andrews, what do you wish?

[D]

I wish it wouldn't creak so much.

[F]

No, Andrews, a proper. Oh, look, it stopped creaking.

[D]

Isn't that amazing? All I did was stop rocking. Well, now, let me see. Oh, Rocking chair. I wish. I wish I could see into the future. Into the future 100 years from now.

[I]

Welcome, archie andrews.

[D]

Yes, it is a funny name, isn't it? By the way, it's very hot, isn't it?

[I]

What do you expect down here?

[D]

Down here? Oh, no, no. All I wanted was to see a hundred years ahead, that's all.

[I]

Oh, you have. It is the year 2051? You have been with us 30 years.

[D]

Then this must be.

[I]

But don't say it. It's not allowed.

[F]

Oh.

[D]

Why can't I say it?

[I]

We have the BBC down here.

[D]

Well, then you must be.

[I]

My card. You can just read the name where it isn't singed.

[D]

What's this? All parties catered for. No waiting? Propriety. No, no, no. I want to go back. Oh, I'd give anything just to see dear old Dr. Hancock again.

[I]

He's.

[D]

Oh, Dr. Hancock, I'm glad to see you.

[F]

Just hang on a minute, Andrews. Me fire's going up.

[D]

But tell me, Dr. Hancock, tell me, why are you here? What did you do wrong?

[F]

There's me list. When I was your tutor, I did all those wicked things and you got the blame.

[D]

What, all these?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, well, what if. What am I doing here then? Perhaps you're right.

[I]

If you'd like to see your list, I'll get eight men to bring it up.

[D]

Oh, no, no, please, please. Oh, dear. I wish I'd taken Braff's advice now.

[F]

He should be along any minute with more cold.

[D]

Oh, no, no, not Braff. What did he do?

[F]

Want to know something about income tax? Stand aside a minute. Andrews, my flames wilting. Where's me shovel? Where's me shovel? You can't move these days. A politician.

[D]

But, sir, it's so hot.

[F]

Yes, I know it is.

[H]

Yes.

[F]

If you're stopping, take your horns off.

[C]

Horns?

[D]

Oh, dear, I've got a pair of horns.

[F]

You're lucky, Andrews. You've only got horns. Second class. Some of us have tails as well.

[I]

So now you've seen him, my boy. Anything else before you collect your shovel?

[D]

Well, how is Miss Dinglebody?

[I]

Miss Dingle Body? Oh, Agatha Dinglebody. Oh, she's not with us. She was kind, thoughtful, gentle, used to help people. Shocking woman.

[D]

Well, I'd like to see her, if I may, sir.

[I]

Oh, that's difficult. She's not in my territory.

[D]

Oh, please, sir. I promise, if you'll let me see her, I'll be a bad boy.

[I]

Oh, very well. Step in the lip sky, please.

[H]

I'm living on top of the world.

[I]

There she is. Fourth cloud on the left.

[J]

Oh, Archie, how nice to see you. I'm so glad you're with us.

[D]

Oh, Miss Dingle Body. It's so clean and fresh here. And you look so beautiful.

[J]

That's true.

[D]

We do as we please.

[J]

If we wish to sleep, we sleep. If we wish to sing, we sing. Look at that. Group comedians playing Hamlet.

[D]

Well, I can only stay a short Time. Then I have to go back to.

[I]

You can say it. There's no BBC up here.

[J]

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad to see you. Any news of Anthony, Dr. Hancock?

[D]

Oh, last time I saw him he was making toast for Napoleon.

[I]

Yes, he's in my power. And you'll never see see him again.

[J]

You forget, if I wish to see him again, I see him. After all. Here you are. Redundant.

[I]

Impossible. You'll never ne. What's that?

[F]

Beyond the blue.

[D]

Oh, Ms. Dingle. Buddy, you've done it. He's here. He's here.

[F]

Hello, Agatha. You must excuse me being stripped of the waist.

[I]

Spoiled again. While I've still got you, boy.

[D]

Oh, no, please.

[C]

Come on.

[F]

Well, Agra. Here we are alone, just the two of us.

[J]

Shame on you, Anthony. What about poor Archie? I'll get him back. Archie Andrews was the one who found a job that was lost and cared for it.

[D]

Oh, I'm back again. Oh, thank you, Ms. Single Body.

[I]

Archie Andrews was the one who trained.

[E]

Him to catch Rabb.

[F]

He's gone below again.

[J]

Auntie Andrews also found 50 pounds and returned it to his rightful owner.

[D]

Oh, thanks again, Ms. Ingle Body.

[I]

Archie Andrews was the one who caused the owner to lose it in the first place. Down he goes again.

[J]

He was all so kind to Mr. Br.

[F]

And look where he ended up. He was good.

[I]

He was bad.

[H]

Careful.

[F]

Rough.

[I]

Archie.

[G]

Archie, stop rocking that chair. Wake up. Wake up.

[D]

What's the matter? Oh, Ralph. Oh, it's you. Where's your barrow of coal?

[F]

Barrow of coal?

[G]

What are you talking about?

[D]

Oh, it's really you.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, then it was all a dream.

[G]

Yes. You probably had something to eat that didn't agree with you, my boy. Now, come on, it's time for bed.

[D]

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so glad it was a dream.

[G]

Yes, that's all it was. Archie, Bruh.

[D]

Just to make sure.

[I]

What?

[D]

Can I see your income tax return?

[C]

We've all tired to teach him, but what is the good? It just doesn't sink in. His head's made of wood. Problem? Chinese.

[B]

You have heard Peter Bruff and Arty Andrews in a recording of Educating Arty with Alfred Marks. Teddy Jake, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, the Tanner Sisters, the Headley Ward Trio and Anthem and his orchestra. And this is Peter Madden inviting you to listen again at the same time next week when we'll be at you.

[H]

Sam.