Educating Archie 1951-10-19 The Cinema

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Educating Archie: The Cinema"

Release Date: April 3, 2025

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Introduction

In this enthralling episode of "Educating Archie", hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. Titled "The Cinema", the episode originally aired on October 19, 1951, showcasing the charming antics of beloved characters such as Archie Andrews, Peter Bruff, and a host of colorful supporting roles. This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, humorous exchanges, and insightful moments that make it a standout broadcast from the pre-television era.

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Setting the Scene

The episode opens with Peter Bruff introducing himself alongside Archie Andrews, setting the stage for a comedic venture:

• Peter Bruff (00:01): "We present Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Archie."

Archie Andrews immediately establishes his character's relatable everyman persona, albeit with a humorous twist:

• Archie Andrews (00:12): "We'll be educating Archie so we'll be busy for a while."

Notable Characters Introduced:

• Alfred Marks
• Harry Jakes
• Tony Hancock
• Julie Andrews
• Peter Madden
• The Tanner Sisters
• The Headley Ward Trio

Archie's Quirky Traits:

• Struggles with basic tasks ("he's no good at spelling") (00:25)
• Engages in playful yet misguided activities, leading to comedic situations (00:25)

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The Saturday Afternoon Dilemma

Peter Bruff paints a picture of a typical relaxed Saturday afternoon, hinting at impending chaos:

• Peter Bruff (00:46): "Saturday afternoon lunch is over, the dishes have been cleared away and a man can stretch out his legs in his favorite armchair. Switch on the football commentary and relax. Or can it?"

The tranquility is soon disrupted as Archie and Tony Hancock clash over entertainment preferences. While Julie Andrews attempts to enjoy the football game, Tony indulges in his cowboy play, much to Julie's frustration.

• Archie Andrews (00:25): "He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem."
• Julie Andrews (01:21): "Archie, please. I'm trying to listen to football."

The conflict escalates humorously, showcasing the generational and personality differences among the characters.

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The Quest for the Cinema

Determined to watch a "smashing film" about Mars, Tony Hancock convinces Archie and Peter Bruff to visit their local cinema, despite Julie's reservations.

• Tony Hancock (02:23): "It's a smashing film at the local homage. Please, please."

Their journey leads them to a surprisingly deserted cinema, introducing a new layer of comedic interactions.

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At the Deserted Cinema

Upon arrival, the trio encounters Alfred Marks, the beleaguered cinema operator struggling to manage the seemingly empty venue.

• Alfred Marks (03:12): "Ladies and gentlemen, if you please, seats in all parts, absolutely no waiting."

Despite the lack of patrons, Alfred insists the cinema is fully booked, leading to a series of misunderstandings and slapstick humor.

Key Interactions:

• Tony Hancock (02:23): "Why aren't you playing with the other boys of your own age?"
• Alfred Marks (05:04): "Today? Oh, it's a wonderful picture, Absolutely brand new and all."

Humorous Moments:

• Tony Hancock trying to help by tearing tickets, mistaking them for a "roll of tickets" (06:04)
• Alfred Marks' futile attempts to manage the non-existent crowd (06:38)

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Musical Interlude: "The Sunshine of Your Smile"

As tensions rise, the episode seamlessly transitions into a delightful musical performance by The Tanner Sisters and The Headley Ward Trio, performing the charming song "I Love the Sunshine of Your Smile".

• Archie Andrews (07:04): "I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes."

The musical break not only provides a melodic respite but also enriches the cultural tapestry of the episode, reflecting the era's love for harmonious performances.

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Mystery of the Missing Desk and Magical Wishing Chair

Post-musical, the narrative delves into a quirky mystery involving Alfred Marks' missing desk and a magical wishing chair. Tony Hancock inadvertently disrupts the classroom by mishandling items, leading to Alfred's exasperation.

• Alfred Marks (10:15): "And so you think you pulled a swift one, eh?"

The discovery of Nellie the horse in the storeroom adds a fantastical element, blending reality with magical realism.

• Harry Jakes (16:34): "A horse in my classroom? Never. Never."

Wishing Chair Sequence:

• Tony Hancock (22:09): "I wish I could see into the future. Into the future 100 years from now."

This whimsical feature propels Tony into a dreamlike adventure, bridging the mundane with the imaginative.

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Dream Sequence and Confrontation with Dr. Hancock

Transported into a surreal future, Tony Hancock encounters Dr. Anthony Hancock, leading to a humorous yet introspective dialogue about past misdeeds and consequences.

• Alfred Marks (24:12): "There's me list. When I was your tutor, I did all those wicked things and you got to blame."

The interaction satirizes authority figures and the bureaucratic measures of the time, all while maintaining a light-hearted tone.

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Resolution: Awakening from the Dream

The episode culminates with Tony's realization that his fantastical journey was merely a dream, brought back to reality by Julie Andrews.

• Julie Andrews (28:45): "You probably had something to eat that didn't agree with you, my boy. Now, come on, it's time for bed."

This conclusion reinforces the show's theme of "educating Archie", highlighting the humorous struggles of imparting wisdom to an endearingly oblivious protagonist.

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Conclusion and Reflections

"Educating Archie: The Cinema" masterfully combines humor, music, and a touch of fantasy to deliver an engaging narrative that resonates with its audience. Through witty dialogues, memorable character interactions, and timeless comedic scenarios, the episode not only entertains but also subtly comments on societal norms and the challenges of modern entertainment.

Notable Quotes:

• Tony Hancock (02:04): "They raised the prices."
• Alfred Marks (05:17): "Of course it is. You don't think I'd bother with them new fangled talkies, do you?"
• Tony Hancock (22:16): "I wish it wouldn't creak so much."
• Alfred Marks (24:32): "Wait, come back. Owe me entertainment. Me Lillian. Gish me business."

This episode stands as a testament to the rich storytelling and character-driven humor that defined the Golden Age of Radio, making "Educating Archie" a timeless classic for both nostalgic audiences and new listeners alike.

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Enjoyed this summary? Tune into more episodes of Harold's Old Time Radio to relive the magic of yesteryear's beloved broadcasts!

Transcript

[Peter Bruff]

We present Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Archie.

[Archie Andrews]

We'll be educating Archie so we'll be busy for a while With Alfred Marks.

[Peter Bruff]

Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, Peter Madden, the Tanner sisters and the Headley Ward trio.

[Archie Andrews]

We'll be educating our chief oh, what a job for. He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem. You can see to behave. You came in my cheek.

[Peter Bruff]

Saturday afternoon lunch is over, the dishes have been cleared away and a man can stretch out his legs in his favorite armchair. Switch on the football commentary and relax. Or can it? Well, we'll soon find out. So let's go over to their house and meet Peter Bro and Archie Andrews.

[Alfred Marks]

Hangs the ball down the center line. He puts it through the basin.

[Tony Hancock]

Miss. Get up till there. Bang.

[Alfred Marks]

Archie.

[Julie Andrews]

Archie, please.

[Tony Hancock]

Reach for your gun, partner. I'm a coming in shooting. Bang, bang, bang.

[Julie Andrews]

Archie, please. I'm trying to listen to football.

[Harry Jakes]

What do you think you're doing?

[Tony Hancock]

I'm playing cowboys. Which way did they go, Sheriff? Oh, they went that away, did they? Get up there.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, stop it, Archie, do you hear? This is the most exciting part of the game.

[Tony Hancock]

Come on.

[Julie Andrews]

The center forward there. Come on, man, shoot, shoot, shoot.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, thank.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, what's the use?

[Alfred Marks]

I rare switching of it.

[Julie Andrews]

No, Archie, you completely ruined my afternoon's enjoyment. You and your cowboys.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, it's your own fault, Bruff. You're the one who wouldn't let me go to the pictures.

[Julie Andrews]

I should think not. Pictures, indeed. Why aren't you I playing with the other boys of your own age?

[Tony Hancock]

I can't.

[Julie Andrews]

Why not?

[Tony Hancock]

They've all gone to the pictures.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since. Since.

[Tony Hancock]

Since they raised the prices.

[Peter Bruff]

Yeah.

[Alfred Marks]

No.

[Julie Andrews]

Anyway, I don't approve of young boys going to the pictures so much, that's all.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, come on, brat. Let me go. Please, please. There's a smashing film at the local homage. Please, please.

[Julie Andrews]

No, no, Archie, I'm sorry. Besides, you can see exactly the same film at home on television.

[Tony Hancock]

I know, but who wants to wait 20 years? Oh, no. Come on, Bruff. Please, please. It's a smashing film. All about landing on the planet Mars.

[Julie Andrews]

For the last time, Archie, you're not. Oh, the planet Mars, eh?

[Tony Hancock]

That's it, Bruff.

[Julie Andrews]

Are there rocket ships in it?

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, yes, and ray guns and space helmets and strange creatures from another world and.

[Julie Andrews]

All right, Archie, perhaps just this once, I'll let you go.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, thank you, Bruff. Thank you.

[Julie Andrews]

And Archie.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, Bruff, I.

[Julie Andrews]

Do you mind if I come with you?

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, Bruff, you villain, you. All right, Come on, then. Let's go. Come on.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, Archie, I'm sorry that that cinema was full up, but here's a little cinema I've never even noticed before. And this one looks absolutely deserted.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, no wonder. Look who's running it.

[Harry Jakes]

And the next.

[Alfred Marks]

Ladies and gentlemen, if you please, seats in all parts, absolutely no waiting. Cartoon newsreel trailers, food flash and mammoth stage presentation. Oh, yes, at a film.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, Archie, shall we go in?

[Tony Hancock]

No, not yet, brat. I'm enjoying listening to this.

[Alfred Marks]

I said the receipts in all parts. Two feature films, 12 rounds of boxing, ice show, amateur talent contest. Suits cleaned and pressed.

[Julie Andrews]

Two, one and threes, please.

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Two, one and threes. And you're just in time. Oh, no. Oh, not again. No. Queueing in all parts. Standing at 12 and 9.

[Tony Hancock]

Queuing, queuing. But there aren't any queues.

[Alfred Marks]

Don't just stand there. Start one.

[Julie Andrews]

Now, just a minute, just a minute. Didn't you just say that there were seats in all parts and.

[Alfred Marks]

Sorry, sir, there isn't a seat in the house.

[Tony Hancock]

Isn't it rather uncomfortable for your customers?

[Alfred Marks]

The kind of customers we get don't know any better. They're used to sitting on the. Get back in line. I saw you trying to dodge to the front of the queue.

[Tony Hancock]

But we're the only two here.

[Alfred Marks]

That's no excuse. You should have come earlier.

[Julie Andrews]

Look, are you sure there's no room?

[Alfred Marks]

I just told you, the place is jammed to the doors and I'm the only one on duty today.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, why aren't you inside?

[Alfred Marks]

Well, it's lonely in there.

[Tony Hancock]

I don't think you know anything about running a cinema at all.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, don't I? I'll have you know, young man, I was practically born in the cinema.

[Tony Hancock]

Huh? What was showing?

[Alfred Marks]

Ben Hur. It was during. Yes, it was during the chariot race.

[Julie Andrews]

Archie, Archie, stop annoying the man when he's trying to do his job. Leave him alone.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, that's all right, sir. I know how excited these youngsters are when they come to my cinema. They just love to see my double features.

[Tony Hancock]

What have you got? Two heads?

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, I use the other one for banging against the wall. Flipping kid.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, tell me, what are you showing today?

[Alfred Marks]

Today? Oh, it's a wonderful picture, Absolutely brand new and all. Yes, there's one terrific scene where the girl is stranded on the ice. You should hear me accompany it on the piano. I go mad, eh?

[Tony Hancock]

On the piano? You mean it's a silent picture?

[Alfred Marks]

Of course it is. You don't think I'd bother with them new fangled talkies, do you? Just a silly fad like the motor car.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, yes, I suppose you're right. Talking pictures will never replace the old fashioned horse, will they?

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, you're so right. Nor will the motor car replace the back row at a cinema. I mean.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, now, tell me, what have you got on besides the film? I hear you said something about a stage show, Is that right?

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, yes, a smashing stage show. Oh, we've got a comedian here this week. Laugh. Oh, dear. Oh, he's terrific. Really. Well, seeing he is.

[Tony Hancock]

And when does he go on?

[Alfred Marks]

Just as soon as I can get round the back and change it to be funny. Out. Well, are you coming in or aren't you? The rest of the queue went in hours ago.

[Julie Andrews]

All right, then. Two, one and threes, please.

[Alfred Marks]

Fetch you on. Now, I'll just. Where's the boy? Where's he gone?

[Tony Hancock]

I'm in here. He's a pay box. I'm just getting the tickets. I thought I'd save you the trouble.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, well, that's very nice of you. Just a minute. What have you got there in your hand?

[Tony Hancock]

This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you.

[Alfred Marks]

But wait. Put it down. Put it down at once.

[Tony Hancock]

What's the matter? What's the matter? I might as well tear them all in half. After all, you'll have to do it sooner or later.

[Alfred Marks]

But you can't put it down. I say. Why, that isn't a roll of tickets. That's the big picture.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, dear. Come on, Bruff, let's go over to the other cinema. Quick. The audience is just coming out.

[Alfred Marks]

No, come back. Owe me entertainment. Me Lillian. Gish me business.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Oh, flipping kid.

[Archie Andrews]

The D Sisters and the Headley Watts Trio are here to sing for you and the song we've chosen this week.

[Alfred Marks]

I love the sunshine of your smile.

[Archie Andrews]

I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one I idolize. Your body fools me like you do. You turn the gray skies into bl. You always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one idolize. Nobody thrills me like you do. You turn the gray skies into bl. Oh, you always make my life worthwhile? With the sunshine of your smile.

[The Tanner Sisters]

I love the sunshine.

[Archie Andrews]

Sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one I idolize. Nobody thrills me, Thrills me like you do? You turn the gray skies into blue. Oh, you always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine.

[The Tanner Sisters]

The beautiful sunshine.

[Archie Andrews]

I love the sunshine of your smile.

[Tony Hancock]

Poor little archie, battling against Dr. Hancock, alias Pippinhead. I certainly have my sympathy. Poor little Archie. That's enough. Stop. Hamlet talked to himself and look what happened. Behaving.

[Alfred Marks]

Good morning, Andrews. Eh?

[Tony Hancock]

Good morning, sir. Nice day. Are you sleeping well?

[Alfred Marks]

Rather.

[Tony Hancock]

Good. I won't wake you up.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews. You are exceedingly jovial this morning. For casual observer, Nya, all would appear to be well. But it isn't, is it, Nya? Over to you.

[Tony Hancock]

I beg your pardon, sir?

[Alfred Marks]

Didn't you hear what I've just been saying?

[Tony Hancock]

No. When you started to mie, I went out for a haircut.

[Alfred Marks]

Bossy lad. As I said before, something is in the wind.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, it'll be the gasworks.

[Alfred Marks]

The gas works are three miles away.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, I was only giving you an alibi.

[Alfred Marks]

I can sense something is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't stand there with that I've just laid an egg smile on your face.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, sir, here's my homework. That question about the triangle's tricky, but.

[Alfred Marks]

Eureka. I know what's different about this room. Your desk. It's gone.

[Tony Hancock]

You see, trigonometry is very difficult, sir.

[Harry Jakes]

Isn't it?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, where is your desk?

[Tony Hancock]

My desk? Oh, my desk. Funny, I had it yesterday.

[Alfred Marks]

If you don't tell me where it is, you'll have had it again today.

[Tony Hancock]

We had to get rid of it, sir. It was finished. You see, the inkwells were empty. That's what it was.

[Alfred Marks]

And so you think you pulled a swift one, eh? No desk and no lessons. But you didn't reckon with Dr. Anthony Hancock. If you sold your desk, you can do your lessons sitting at. Andrews, where's my desk?

[Tony Hancock]

Your desk, sir? Aren't you at it?

[Alfred Marks]

You're doing your best to get me at it, aren't you? For the last time, where's my desk?

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, well, if that's the last time, let's talk about something else, shall we?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews? Andrews, where is it? I know it was here yesterday because I can't be named. I mean, it was right here. And I sat on this very. Where's my chair? The chair gone on my beautiful desk. Just When I was getting two nice grooves in it for my elbows.

[Tony Hancock]

I bought you an apple, sir.

[Alfred Marks]

I don't want an apple.

[Tony Hancock]

I want my desk, you termite.

[Harry Jakes]

Hi, Lisa.

[Alfred Marks]

Hylas. I want my desk back exactly where it was facing the picture of. Facing that blank wall.

[Tony Hancock]

Blank wall. Oh, so it is. Well, it. I think I'd better go now, sir. I want it on the telephone.

[Alfred Marks]

The telephone is not ringing.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, there's no sense in hanging around till he does, is there?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews? Since you will not tell me what has gone out of the room, I will check the inventory to see what we have left. But sir, I've checked it. One pencil.

[Tony Hancock]

One pencil. Don't anybody leave the room. There were two. What's happened?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, you will write out for me a thousand times. I must not flog sir's belongings.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, I'd like to search.

[Alfred Marks]

That'll.

[Tony Hancock]

I'd like to flock, sis.

[Alfred Marks]

That'll do, please. Grand goose. Now I'm going to close my eyes and count 10. When I open my eyes, I want to see a difference. Here goes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. No difference.

[Archie Andrews]

Aha.

[Tony Hancock]

That's where you're wrong. The pencil's gone.

[Alfred Marks]

The pencil? Oh no, my favorite pencil. That's the one I used to go rack attack, tack against my teeth with.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, now you'll have to get your head and go rack attack against the wall with that.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews. Andrews, where is my pencil? It can't just have walked off on its own.

[Tony Hancock]

Why not? It was a self propelling pencil.

[Alfred Marks]

My boy, I'm coming to the end of my patience. Don't push me too hard.

[Tony Hancock]

Why not?

[Alfred Marks]

I'm against the window. I mean, if you don't return the pencil, I shall keep you in. And don't forget, I can keep you forever if I wish.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Thanks for the offer. I accept.

[Alfred Marks]

Hello, my dear. Agatha. The bell of the ball.

[Tony Hancock]

That's true. And I was certainly saved by the bell.

[Alfred Marks]

But Agatha, Agatha. Look at this room. Bare as a baby. Empty.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Well, Archie did mention it. He's making it into a gym.

[Alfred Marks]

A gym? Well, Andrews, why didn't you tell me? I would have approved. Why, I'm all for bodybuilding.

[Tony Hancock]

You should with the Jerry built thing you've got.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, my friend was one of the finest bodybuilders in the country.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh yes, I heard about him. Made a wonderful job of Frankenstein.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, Agatha, Agatha, don't mock me about sport. You know that the great love of my life is wrestling.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Where is she appearing tonight?

[Alfred Marks]

At the boxing. Oh no, Agatha, you You misunderstand. I mean, I love wrestling, you know, I grab you by the neck like this, then your left wrist, a quick jerk and. But don't just stand there. Pick me up.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Anthony, that was wonderful. Let me show you one. Now, put both your arms around my waist. There we are.

[Alfred Marks]

But that's not wrestling.

[Tony Hancock]

Who cares?

[Alfred Marks]

I mean to say, Agatha, what would happen if I showed that hole to my wrestling instructor?

[Tony Hancock]

He'd be worried to death about you.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, Agatha, if that's your idea of wrestling, I'm afraid you'd lose every time.

[Tony Hancock]

Heaven.

[Alfred Marks]

Heaven. I don't quite understand.

[Tony Hancock]

How damsed can you get? Do you have to be hit on the head with a brick, sir?

[Agatha Dinglebody]

I'm afraid he does, Archie.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, Agatha, if you don't mind, I'll answer any questions addressed to me.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

All right, all right, Anthony, there's no need to lose your temper.

[Alfred Marks]

I'm not losing my temper, but I'm extremely sensitive to having my head pounded with the school's cornerstone.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

There you go again, talking about your aches and pains and bumps and bruises. Well, let me tell you, Anthony Hancock, the only bruises you have are where you've been sitting down too hard. And the only little bump you have are where you're pleased called muscles. And the only lump you have is your shoulders. And the only use I can see for that is to keep your motorboard off your desk. And the only thing I've got to.

[Tony Hancock]

Say to you is this.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Take off this transy Canaria. Stuff my fingers in your face. On me. A trident.

[Alfred Marks]

What does that mean?

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Don't forget tonight. Goodbye, muscle man.

[Tony Hancock]

Muscle man?

[Alfred Marks]

A.

[Tony Hancock]

You look more like a popping swim to me.

[Alfred Marks]

Never mind what I look like to you. I'm still not satisfied about this empty room and that store.

[Harry Jakes]

Excuse me. Mr. Bygrave's been in you?

[Alfred Marks]

No, I told you last week. He's gone to New York.

[Harry Jakes]

Yes. Then you told me he hadn't got a room here. But I found a room. And I'm the door at Mr. Bygrave's private keep up. No admittance. Danger. Get out of it. Get back. No parking.

[Tony Hancock]

So what did you do?

[Harry Jakes]

I went in. Oh, no, Mr. Bygraves. It was just a trick of his to keep people out.

[Tony Hancock]

And what happened when you went in?

[Harry Jakes]

I fell 20ft through a trap door.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, dear. Poor Mr. Marks. What was down in the trap?

[Harry Jakes]

Oh, just another notice. It said. I forgot to mention mind a step. He was a very thoughtful man, Mr. Bygraves. Always thinking about women.

[Alfred Marks]

Mr. Marks. Was that his room?

[Harry Jakes]

Well, it Was his stall room.

[Alfred Marks]

You mean storeroom.

[Harry Jakes]

No, everything in it had been stol. By the way, Arts, did you ask Mr. Hancock about this room?

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, he said we could use it.

[Harry Jakes]

Righto, then. Come on, Gil. Get in there.

[Tony Hancock]

Go on, Gil.

[Alfred Marks]

What? Get in, Gil. What are you talking about?

[Harry Jakes]

Not who. It's a horse. Don't get excited because it's about 60 years old and I don't want it to get frightened when it sees you.

[Alfred Marks]

A horse in my classroom? Never. Never. I see it all now. The straw, the empty room. You want to make this into a stable?

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, no, sir. No. You promised we could use it for a gym.

[Alfred Marks]

That's right. A gymnasium.

[Tony Hancock]

Ah, we meant a gym car. There.

[Alfred Marks]

Come on here. Come on here.

[Harry Jakes]

Steady there, Lee. Steady there, girl. Mind a man with a squarette on.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, no. Get it out of here.

[Harry Jakes]

Get it out. Don't keep waving your arms around like a Tic Tac man. You'll have it racing.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, she's all right, isn't she, eh? Where did you find her, Mr. Marks?

[Harry Jakes]

She was in Mr. Bargrave's storeroom on a shelf. Mark. Livestock.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, yes, the milkman did owe him some money.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, you can't keep it in here. Put it in the bathroom.

[Harry Jakes]

Can't do that, mate. I've got the chickens in there.

[Alfred Marks]

Chickens in the bathroom? And I suppose you've got a few goats tied up in my bedroom.

[Harry Jakes]

Not only one. I'll have to get rid of that when it's brought in. The pigeons. Mind yourself.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Nelly's trotting.

[Tony Hancock]

Hey, hey. Hup, hup. Oh. All we want now is Gordon Richards.

[Harry Jakes]

I'll have a look in the storeroom.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, there. Steady, Nelly. Nice horse. Nice kind horse. Ho, ho.

[Harry Jakes]

Steady now. Don't jump about.

[Alfred Marks]

It's eating me hair.

[Harry Jakes]

Well, stand still. You got plenty of time before it gets to your head.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, she's turning round again.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Wall.

[Harry Jakes]

Get wall. Steady. Put Mr. Ancock down.

[Alfred Marks]

This is too much. My hair.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Look at it.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, it's your own fault, sir. You shouldn't stand in front of it.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, I didn't know. Duck.

[Harry Jakes]

You shouldn't stand behind it either.

[Alfred Marks]

I'm fed up with this. That horse would have kicked me down into the main street if it hadn't been for the fire escape.

[Harry Jakes]

Well, two wrongs don't make a right.

[Alfred Marks]

What do you mean?

[Harry Jakes]

Just because Nellie ate some of your hair, there was no need for you to go round back and have a go at her tail.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, how was I to know it was Watching.

[Harry Jakes]

Oh, Nell's a very, very shrewd nut.

[Tony Hancock]

She's really very gentle. If you treat her right.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, you are not going to treat her in here. In future, you will exercise her on the lawn and not in the classroom.

[Harry Jakes]

I'll do that. The lawn ain't big enough.

[Alfred Marks]

There's more space on the lawn than in this classroom.

[Tony Hancock]

There isn't, sir.

[Alfred Marks]

Why not?

[Harry Jakes]

That's where we stack the furniture.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Love is where you find it don't be blind it's gone around you everywhere Take it, take a chance now for romance now tell someone that you care Spring love comes upon you when it's gone you feel despair Sooner though in the moon aglow you'll find that a new love is there and love is when you find we decided to be waiting. Everywhere it may hide from you for.

[Archie Andrews]

A while.

[The Tanner Sisters]

It may come tonight In.

[Archie Andrews]

A time.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Find the flame of a new love in the arms of a.

[Archie Andrews]

True love Weak and so joy.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Tell us someone that you care Love is where you find it Just deploy it all around you Everywhere, everywhere.

[Alfred Marks]

Thank you. Thank you, Ms. Julie Andrews. That was splendid. Your voice improves with time.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, your voice is the same, sir, and it might improve.

[Alfred Marks]

Doing what?

[Tony Hancock]

A different kind of time.

[Alfred Marks]

Forward, boy. Now, as we have no furniture, I have bought my own rocking chair. And what's more, it is supposed to be a wishing chair.

[Tony Hancock]

A wishing chair? Oh, I think I'll have four pennies of this.

[Julie Andrews]

That's right.

[Alfred Marks]

That's right. Now, rock back and forward.

[Tony Hancock]

All right. I wish. I wish Zorange.

[Alfred Marks]

What do you wish?

[Tony Hancock]

I wish it wouldn't creak so much.

[Alfred Marks]

No, Andrew's a proper. Oh, look, it stopped creaking.

[Tony Hancock]

Isn't that amazing? All I did was stop rocking. Well, now, let me see. Oh, rocking chair. I wish. I wish I could see into the future. Into the future 100 years from now.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Welcome, Archie Andrews.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, it is a funny name, isn't it? By the way, it's very hot, isn't it?

[Headley Ward Trio]

What do you expect down here?

[Tony Hancock]

Down here? Oh, no, no. All I wanted was to see a hundred years ahead, that's all.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Oh, you have? It is the year 2051. You have been with us 30 years.

[Tony Hancock]

Then this must be.

[Headley Ward Trio]

But don't say it. It's not allowed.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, why can't I say it?

[Headley Ward Trio]

We have the BBC down here.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, then you must be.

[Headley Ward Trio]

My card. You can just read the name where it isn't singed.

[Tony Hancock]

All parties catered for. No waiting. Propriety. No, no, no. I want to go back. Oh, I Give anything just to see dear old Dr. Hancock again.

[Headley Ward Trio]

He's over there.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, Dr. Hancock, I'm glad to see you.

[Alfred Marks]

Just hang on a minute, Andrews. Me fire's going up.

[Tony Hancock]

But tell me, Dr. Hancock, tell me, why are you here? What did you do wrong?

[Alfred Marks]

There's me list. When I was your tutor, I did all those wicked things and you got to blame.

[Tony Hancock]

What, all these?

[Alfred Marks]

Yes.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, well, what. What am I doing here, then? Perhaps you're right.

[Headley Ward Trio]

If you'd like to see your list, I'll get eight men to bring it up.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, no, no, please, please. Oh, dear. I wish I'd take Braff's advice now.

[Alfred Marks]

He should be along any minute with more coal.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, no, no, not Braff. What did he do?

[Alfred Marks]

Want to know something about income tax? Stand aside a minute, Andrews. My flames wilting. Where's me shovel? Where's me shovel? You can't move these days for politicians.

[Tony Hancock]

But, sir, it's so hot.

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, I know it is. Yes. If you're stopping, take your horns off.

[Tony Hancock]

Horns? Oh, dear, I've got a pair of horns.

[Alfred Marks]

You're lucky, Andrews. You've only got horns. Second class. Some of us have tails as well.

[Headley Ward Trio]

So now you've seen him, my boy. Anything else before you collect your shovel?

[Tony Hancock]

Well, how is Miss Dinglebody?

[Headley Ward Trio]

Miss Dinglebody? Oh, Agatha Dinglebody. Oh, she's not with us. She was kind, thoughtful, gentle, used to help people. Shocking woman.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, I'd like to see her, if I may, sir.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Oh, that's difficult. She's not in my territory.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, please, sir. I promise if you let me see her, I'll be a bad boy.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Oh, very well. Step in the lift. Sky, please.

[The Tanner Sisters]

I'm living on top of the world.

[Archie Andrews]

And in my yard.

[Headley Ward Trio]

There she is. Fourth cloud on the left.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Archie, how nice to see you. I'm so glad you're with us.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, Ms. Dinglebonny. It's so clean and fresh here. And you look so beautiful.

[Alfred Marks]

That's true. We do as we please.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

If we wish to sleep, we sleep. If we wish to sing, we sing. Look at that group. Comedians playing Hamlet.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, I can only stay a short time, then I have to go back to.

[Headley Ward Trio]

You can say it. There's no BBC up here.

[Archie Andrews]

Silence.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad to see you. Any News of Anthony?

[Tony Hancock]

Dr. Hencock? Oh, last time I saw him, he was making toast for Napoleon.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Yes, he's in my power. And you'll never see him again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

You forget. If I wish to see him again, I see him. After all, Here you are. Redundant.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Impossible. You'll never nep. What's that?

[Alfred Marks]

Beyond the blue.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, Ms. Dingle. Buddy, you've done it. He's here. He's here.

[Alfred Marks]

Hello, Agatha. You must excuse me being stripped to the waist.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Spoiled again. While I've still got you, boy.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, no, please.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Come on.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, Axpert, here we are. Another one, just the two of us.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Shame on you, Anthony. What about poor Archie? I'll get him back. Archie Andrews was the one who found a job that was lost and cared for it.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, I'm back again. Oh, thank you, Ms. Single Body.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Archie Andrews was the one who trained him to catch rabbits.

[Alfred Marks]

He's gone below again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Archie Andrews also found £50. Returned it to his rightful owner.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, thanks again, Ms. Ingle Body.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Auntie Andrews was the one who caused the owner to lose it in the first place.

[Alfred Marks]

Down he goes again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

He was all so kind to Mr.

[Headley Ward Trio]

BR, and look where he ended up.

[Archie Andrews]

He was good.

[Headley Ward Trio]

He was bad.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Jacko.

[Headley Ward Trio]

Rough.

[Julie Andrews]

Archie. Archie, stop rocking that chair. Wake up.

[Peter Bruff]

Wake up.

[Tony Hancock]

What's the matter? Oh, it's you. Where's your barrow of coal?

[Alfred Marks]

Barrel of coal?

[Julie Andrews]

What are you talking about?

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, it's really you.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, then it was all a dream. Yes.

[Julie Andrews]

You probably had something to eat that didn't agree with you, my boy. Now, come on, it's time for bed.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so glad it was a dream.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, that's all it was. Archie.

[Tony Hancock]

Ralph, just to make sure.

[Julie Andrews]

What?

[Tony Hancock]

Can I see your income tax return?

[Archie Andrews]

We've all got to teach him. But what is the good? It just doesn't sink in. His head's made of wood. What a problem child is. Here.

[Peter Bruff]

You have heard Peter Bruff and Artie Andrews in a recording of Educating Arty with Alfred Marks, Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, the Tanner Sisters, the Headley Ward Trio and Anthem and his orchestra. And this is Peter Madden inviting you to listen again at the same time.

[Alfred Marks]

Next week when we'll be at.