Educating Archie 1951-10-19 The Cinema

Summary

Episode Summary: "Educating Archie 1951-10-19 The Cinema"

Podcast Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Title: Educating Archie 1951-10-19 The Cinema
Release Date: May 28, 2025
Original Air Date: October 19, 1951

---

Introduction

"Educating Archie" transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio, presenting a delightful blend of humor, satire, and musical interludes. In this episode titled "The Cinema," the show delves into the misadventures of Archie Andrews and his attempts to balance leisure activities with the challenges posed by his tutor, Dr. Anthony Hancock.

---

Setting and Characters

• Archie Andrews: The protagonist, a lovable but often hapless young boy trying to enjoy his Saturday afternoons.
• Peter Bruff: Archie's supportive friend who assists in "educating" Archie.
• Dr. Anthony Hancock (Alfred Marks): Archie's strict and often exasperated tutor, determined to instill discipline and education.
• Julie Andrews: Plays a character engaging in playful banter with Tony Hancock, adding a touch of charm and mischief.
• Tony Hancock: Assists Dr. Hancock, often finding himself frustrated with Archie's antics.
• Harry Jakes, The Tanner Sisters, and The Headley Ward Trio: Provide musical interludes and comedic interactions throughout the episode.

---

Plot Progression

1. The Quest for Leisure ([00:46] - [03:00])

The episode opens with Archie’s desire to enjoy a relaxing Saturday afternoon by watching a football game. However, his friend Peter Bruff informs him that Archie is under the "educating" regime of Dr. Hancock. Archie expresses his frustrations humorously:

Archie Andrews ([00:25] - [00:46]): "He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem."

Attempting to find solace, Archie and Tony Hancock decide to visit a local cinema, hoping to catch a movie about landing on Mars. Their interactions reveal Dr. Hancock's skepticism towards modern passions:

Tony Hancock ([02:00]): "I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since... since."

2. The Desolate Cinema ([03:00] - [11:00])

Upon arriving, the duo discovers an almost deserted cinema run by the overworked Alfred Marks. The attempt to secure tickets leads to comedic exchanges about empty seats and malfunctioning facilities:

Alfred Marks ([03:12]): "Seats in all parts, absolutely no waiting."

Julie Andrews' character inadvertently causes chaos by tearing a roll of tickets, mistaking them for a "big picture," leading to further confusion and frustration:

Julie Andrews ([06:12]): "This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you."

3. The Magical Rocking Chair ([21:40] - [24:46])

In a whimsical twist, Alfred introduces a "wishing chair," allowing Archie to make magical wishes. Archie wishes to see into the future, leading to a fantastical journey where he encounters the BBC in the year 2051. This segment combines surreal humor with playful critiques of modernity:

Julie Andrews ([22:16]): "I wish I could see into the future. Into the future 100 years from now."

This wish transports Archie to a bizarre future where he interacts with Agatha Dinglebody and faces off against Dr. Hancock in a comedic showdown involving misplaced furniture, a self-propelling pencil, and absurd wrestling moves.

4. The Climactic Confrontation ([24:46] - [28:46])

As Archie navigates the surreal future, tensions escalate between him and Dr. Hancock. The episode humorously depicts their unresolved conflicts, culminating in a comic revelation that the entire scenario was a dream:

Julie Andrews ([28:52]): "Oh, then it was all a dream."

Dr. Hancock assures Archie that it was merely a figment of his imagination, bringing the story full circle and emphasizing the enduring master-pupil relationship.

---

Key Highlights and Notable Quotes

• Archie’s Frustration with Dr. Hancock:

  Archie Andrews ([00:25]): "He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22."

• Tony Hancock’s Skepticism:

  Tony Hancock ([02:00]): "I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema."

• Comic Chaos at the Cinema:

  Julie Andrews ([06:12]): "This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you."

• Introduction of the Wishing Chair:

  Julie Andrews ([22:16]): "I wish I could see into the future."

• Surreal Future Encounter:

  Alfred Marks ([24:21]): "If you sold your desk, you can do your lessons sitting at."

• Resolution as a Dream:

  Julie Andrews ([28:52]): "Oh, then it was all a dream."

---

Musical Interludes

The episode intersperses musical performances by The Tanner Sisters and The Headley Ward Trio, enhancing the narrative with harmonious interludes:

• Archie Andrews and The Tanner Sisters ([07:05] - [09:02]): Perform the song "I Love the Sunshine of Your Smile," adding a light-hearted and melodic break amidst the comedic storyline.

• The Headley Ward Trio ([19:23] - [21:17] & [26:17] - [26:21]): Delivers songs that underscore themes of love and cheer, enriching the auditory experience for the audience.

---

Conclusion

"Educating Archie: The Cinema" masterfully blends humor, fantasy, and music to depict the humorous struggles between Archie Andrews and his overbearing tutor, Dr. Anthony Hancock. Through a series of comedic mishaps at the local cinema and a magical journey into the future, the episode entertains while subtly commenting on themes of education, modernity, and the timeless tug-of-war between authority and youthful exuberance.

Listeners are left with a sense of warmth and nostalgia, reminiscent of family gatherings around the radio, eagerly anticipating the next installment of Archie's educational escapades.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Archie Andrews expressing frustration ([00:25] - [00:46]):

  "He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem."

• Tony Hancock on cinema passion ([02:00] - [02:05]):

  "I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since... since."

• Julie Andrews tearing tickets ([06:12] - [06:18]):

  "This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you."

• Archie’s wish on the rocking chair ([22:16] - [22:20]):

  "I wish it wouldn't creak so much."

• Julie Andrews about seeing the future ([22:55] - [23:06]):

  "I want to go back. Oh, I give anything just to see dear old Dr. Hancock again."

• Resolution as a dream ([28:52] - [28:58]):

  "Oh, then it was all a dream."

---

This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of "Educating Archie: The Cinema," highlighting key moments, character dynamics, and the seamless integration of humor and music that defines the charm of this classic radio episode.

Transcript

[Peter Bruff]

We present Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Archie.

[Archie Andrews]

We'll be educating Archie so we'll be busy for a while With Alfred Marks.

[Peter Bruff]

Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, Peter Madden, the Tanner sisters and the Headley Ward trio.

[Archie Andrews]

We'll be educating our chief oh, what a job for. He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem. You can see to behave. You came in my cheek.

[Peter Bruff]

Saturday afternoon lunch is over, the dishes have been cleared away and a man can stretch out his legs in his favorite armchair. Switch on the football commentary and relax. Or can it? Well, we'll soon find out. So let's go over to their house and meet Peter Bro and Archie Andrews.

[Alfred Marks]

Hangs the ball down the center line. He puts it through the basin.

[Tony Hancock]

Miss.

[Julie Andrews]

Get up till there. Bang.

[Alfred Marks]

Archie.

[Tony Hancock]

Archie, please.

[Julie Andrews]

Reach for your gun, partner. I'm a coming in shooting. Bang, bang, bang.

[Tony Hancock]

Archie, please. I'm trying to listen to football.

[Harry Jakes]

What do you think you're doing?

[Julie Andrews]

I'm playing cowboys. Which way did they go, Sheriff? Oh, they went that away, did they? Get up there.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, stop it, Archie, do you hear? This is the most exciting part of the game.

[Julie Andrews]

Come on.

[Tony Hancock]

The center forward there. Come on, man, shoot, shoot, shoot.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, thank.

[Tony Hancock]

Oh, what's the use?

[Julie Andrews]

I rare switching of it.

[Tony Hancock]

No, Archie, you completely ruined my afternoon's enjoyment. You and your cowboys.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, it's your own fault, Bruff. You're the one who wouldn't let me go to the pictures.

[Tony Hancock]

I should think not. Pictures, indeed. Why aren't you I playing with the other boys of your own age?

[Julie Andrews]

I can't.

[Tony Hancock]

Why not?

[Julie Andrews]

They've all gone to the pictures.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since. Since.

[Julie Andrews]

Since they raised the prices.

[Tony Hancock]

Yeah.

[Alfred Marks]

No.

[Tony Hancock]

Anyway, I don't approve of young boys going to the pictures so much, that's all.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, come on, brat. Let me go. Please, please. There's a smashing film at the local homage. Please, please.

[Tony Hancock]

No, no, Archie, I'm sorry. Besides, you can see exactly the same film at home on television.

[Julie Andrews]

I know, but who wants to wait 20 years? Oh, no. Come on, Bruff. Please, please. It's a smashing film. All about landing on the planet Mars.

[Tony Hancock]

For the last time, Archie, you're not. Oh, the planet Mars, eh?

[Julie Andrews]

That's it, Bruff.

[Tony Hancock]

Are there rocket ships in it?

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, yes, and ray guns and space helmets and strange creatures from another world and.

[Tony Hancock]

All right, Archie, perhaps just this once, I'll let you go.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, thank you, Bruff. Thank you.

[Tony Hancock]

And Archie.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, Bruff, I.

[Tony Hancock]

Do you mind if I come with you?

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, Bruff, you villain, you. All right, Come on, then. Let's go. Come on.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, Archie, I'm sorry that that cinema was full up, but here's a little cinema I've never even noticed before. And this one looks absolutely deserted.

[Julie Andrews]

No wonder. Look who's running it.

[Alfred Marks]

And the next. Ladies and gentlemen, if you please, seats in all parts, absolutely no waiting. Cartoon newsreel trailers, food flash and mammoth stage presentation. Oh, yes, at a film.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, Archie, shall we go in?

[Julie Andrews]

No, not yet, brat. I'm enjoying listening to this.

[Alfred Marks]

I said the receipts in all parts. Two feature films, 12 rounds of boxing, ice show, amateur talent contest, suits cleaned and pressed.

[Tony Hancock]

Two, one and threes, please.

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Two, one and threes. And you're just in time. Oh, no. Oh, not again. No. Queueing in all parts. Standing at 12 and 9.

[Julie Andrews]

Queuing, queuing. But there aren't any queues.

[Alfred Marks]

Don't just stand there. Start one.

[Tony Hancock]

Now, just a minute, just a minute. Didn't you just say that there were seats in all parts and.

[Alfred Marks]

Sorry, sir, there isn't a seat in the house.

[Julie Andrews]

Isn't it rather uncomfortable for your customers?

[Alfred Marks]

The kind of customers we get don't know any better. They're used to sitting on the. Get back in line. I saw you trying to dodge to the front of the queue.

[Julie Andrews]

But we're the only two here.

[Alfred Marks]

That's no excuse. You should have come earlier.

[Tony Hancock]

Look, are you sure there's no room?

[Alfred Marks]

I just told you, the place is jammed to the doors and I'm the only one on duty today.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, why aren't you inside?

[Alfred Marks]

Well, it's lonely in there.

[Julie Andrews]

I don't think you know anything about running a cinema at all.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, don't I? I'll have you know, young man, I was practically born in the cinema.

[Julie Andrews]

Huh? What was showing?

[Alfred Marks]

Ben Hur. It was during. Yes, it was during the chariot race.

[Tony Hancock]

Archie, Archie, stop annoying the man when he's trying to do his job. Leave him alone.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, that's all right, sir. I know how excited these youngsters are when they come to my cinema. They just love to see my double features.

[Julie Andrews]

What have you got? Two heads?

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, I use the other one for banging against the wall. Flipping kid.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, tell me, what are you showing today?

[Alfred Marks]

Today? Oh, it's a wonderful picture, Absolutely brand new and all. Yes, there's one terrific scene where the girl is Stranded on the ice. You should hear me accompany it on the piano. I go mad, eh?

[Julie Andrews]

On the piano? You mean it's a silent picture?

[Alfred Marks]

Of course it is. You don't think I'd bother with them new fangled talkies, do you? Just a silly fad like the motor car.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, yes, I suppose you're right. Talking pictures will never replace the old fashioned horse, will they?

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, you're so right. Nor will the motor car replace the back row at a cinema. I mean.

[Tony Hancock]

Well, now, tell me, what have you got on besides the film? I hear you said something about a stage show, is that right?

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, yes, a smashing stage show. Oh, we've got a comedian here this week. Laugh. Oh, dear.

[Harry Jakes]

Oh, he's terrific.

[Alfred Marks]

Really. Well, seeing he is.

[Julie Andrews]

And when does he go on?

[Alfred Marks]

Just as soon as I can get round the back and change it to be funny. Out. Well, are you coming in or aren't you? The rest of the queue went in hours ago.

[Tony Hancock]

All right, then. Two, one and threes, please.

[Alfred Marks]

Fetch you on. Now, I'll just. Where's the boy? Where's he gone?

[Julie Andrews]

I'm in here. He's a pay box. I'm just getting the tickets. I thought I'd save you the trouble.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, well, that's very nice of you. Just a minute. What have you got there in your hand?

[Julie Andrews]

This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you.

[Alfred Marks]

But wait. Put it down. Put it down at once.

[Julie Andrews]

What's the matter? What's the matter? I might as well tear them all in half. After all, you'll have to do it sooner or later.

[Alfred Marks]

But you can't put it down. I say. Why, that isn't a roll of tickets. That's the big picture.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, dear. Come on, Bruff, let's go over to the other cinema. Quick. The audience is just coming out.

[Alfred Marks]

No, come back. Owe me entertainment. Me Lillian. Gish me business.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Oh, flipping kid.

[Archie Andrews]

The D Sisters and the Headley Watts Trio are here to sing for you and the song we've chosen this week.

[Alfred Marks]

I love the sunshine of your smile.

[Archie Andrews]

I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one I idolize. Your body fools me like you do. You turn the gray skies into bl. You always make my life worthwhile with the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one idolize. Nobody thrills me like you do. You turn the Gray skies into bl. Oh, you always make my life worthwhile? With the sunshine of your smile.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

I love the sunshine.

[Archie Andrews]

Sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one I idolize. Nobody thrills me, thrills me like you do? You turn the gray skies into blue. Oh, you always make my life worthwhile? With the sunshine, the beautiful sunshine. I love the sunshine of your smile.

[Julie Andrews]

Poor little archie, battling against Dr. Hancock, alias Pippinhead. I certainly have my sympathy. Poor little Archie. That's enough. Stop. Hamlet talked to himself and look what happened. Behaving.

[Alfred Marks]

Good morning, Andrews. Eh?

[Julie Andrews]

Good morning, sir. Nice day. Are you sleeping well?

[Alfred Marks]

Rather.

[Julie Andrews]

Good. I won't wake you up.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews. You are exceedingly jovial this morning. For casual observer, Nya, all would appear to be well. But it isn't, is it, Nya?

[The Tanner Sisters]

Over to you.

[Julie Andrews]

I beg your pardon, sir.

[Alfred Marks]

Didn't you hear what I've just been saying?

[Julie Andrews]

No. When you started to mie, I went out for a haircut.

[Alfred Marks]

Bossy lad. As I said before, something is in the wind.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, it'll be the gasworks.

[Alfred Marks]

The gas works are three miles away.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, I was only giving you an alibi.

[Alfred Marks]

I can sense something is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't stand there with that I've just laid an egg smile on your face.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, sir, here's my homework. That question about the triangle's tricky, but.

[Alfred Marks]

Eureka. I know what's different about this room. Your desk. It's gone.

[Julie Andrews]

You see, trigonometry is very difficult, sir.

[Harry Jakes]

Isn't it?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, where is your desk?

[Julie Andrews]

My desk? Oh, my desk. Funny, I had it yesterday.

[Alfred Marks]

If you don't tell me where it is, you'll have had it again today.

[Julie Andrews]

We had to get rid of it, sir. It was finished. You see, the inkwells were empty. That's what it was.

[Alfred Marks]

And so you think you pulled a swift one, eh? No desk and no lessons. But you didn't reckon with Dr. Anthony Hancock. If you sold your desk, you can do your lessons sitting at. Andrews, where's my desk?

[Julie Andrews]

Your desk, sir? Aren't you at it?

[Alfred Marks]

You're doing your best to get me at it, aren't you? For the last time, where's my desk?

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, well, if that's the last time, let's talk about something else, shall we?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews? Andrews, where is it? I know it was here yesterday because I can't be named. I mean, it was right here. And I sat on this very. Where's my chair? The chair got on my beautiful desk just when I was getting two nice grooves in it for my elbows.

[Julie Andrews]

I bought you an apple, sir.

[Alfred Marks]

I don't want an apple.

[Julie Andrews]

I want my desk, you termite.

[Harry Jakes]

Hi, Lisa.

[Alfred Marks]

Hylas. I want my desk back exactly where it was facing the picture of. Facing that blank wall. Blank wall.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, so it is. Well, it. I think I'd better go now, sir. I want it on the telephone.

[Alfred Marks]

The telephone is not ringing.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, there's no sense in hanging around till he does, is there?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews? Since you will not tell me what has gone out of the room, I will check the inventory to see what we have left. But sir, I've checked it. One pencil.

[Julie Andrews]

One pencil. Don't anybody leave the room. There were two. What's happened?

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, you will write out for me a thousand times. I must not flog sir's belongings.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, I'd like to search.

[Alfred Marks]

That'll.

[Julie Andrews]

I'd like to flock, Sis.

[Alfred Marks]

That'll do, please. Grand goose. Now I'm going to close my eyes and count 10. When I open my eyes, I want to see a difference. Here goes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. No difference.

[Julie Andrews]

Aha. That's where you're wrong. The pencil's gone.

[Alfred Marks]

The pencil? Oh no. My favorite pencil. That's the one I used to go rack, attack, tack against my teeth with.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, now you'll have to get your head and go rack attack against the wall with that.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews. Andrews, where is my pencil? It can't just have walked off on its own.

[Julie Andrews]

Why not? It was a self propelling pencil.

[Alfred Marks]

My boy, I'm coming to the end of my patience. Don't push me too hard.

[Julie Andrews]

Why not?

[Alfred Marks]

I'm against the window. I mean, if you don't return the pencil, I shall keep you in. And don't forget, I can keep you forever if I wish.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Thanks for the offer. I accept.

[Alfred Marks]

Hello, my dear Agatha. The bell of the ball.

[Julie Andrews]

That's true. And I was certainly saved by the bell.

[Alfred Marks]

But Agatha. Agatha, look at this room. Bare as a baby. Empty.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Well, Archie did mention it. He's making it into a gym.

[Alfred Marks]

A gym? Well, Andrews, why didn't you tell me? I would have approved. Why, I'm all for bodybuilding.

[Julie Andrews]

You should with the Jerry built thing you've got.

[Alfred Marks]

Andrews, my friend was one of the finest bodybuilders in the country.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh yes, I heard about him. Made a wonderful job of Frankenstein.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, Agatha, Agatha, don't mock me about sport. You know that the great love of my life is wrestling.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Where is she appearing tonight?

[Alfred Marks]

At the boxing. Oh no, Agatha, you. You Misunderstand. I mean, I love wrestling, you know. I grab you by the neck like this, then your left wrist, a quick jerk and. But don't just stand there. Pick me up.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Anthony, that was wonderful. Let me show you one. Now, put both your arms around my waist. There we are.

[Alfred Marks]

But that's not wrestling.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Who cares?

[Alfred Marks]

I mean to say, Agatha, what would happen if I showed that hole to my wrestling instructor?

[Julie Andrews]

He'd be worried to death about you.

[Harry Jakes]

Well.

[Alfred Marks]

Agatha, if that's your idea of wrestling, I'm afraid you'd lose every time.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Heaven.

[Alfred Marks]

Heaven. I don't quite understand.

[Julie Andrews]

How damsed can you get? Do you have to be hit on the head with a brick, sir?

[Agatha Dinglebody]

I'm afraid he does, Archie.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, Agatha, if you don't mind, I'll answer any questions addressed to me.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

All right, all right, Anthony, there's no need to lose your temper.

[Alfred Marks]

I'm not losing my temper, but I'm extremely sensitive to having my head pounded with the school's cornerstone.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

There you go again, talking about your aches and pains and bumps and bruises. Well, let me tell you, Anthony Hancock, the only bruises you have are where you've been sitting down too hard. And the only little bump you have are where you're pleased to called muscles. And the only lump you have is your shoulders. And the only use I can see for that is to keep your motorboard off your desk. And the only thing I've got to say to you is this. Take off this transy Canaria. Stuff my fingers in your face. On me. A trident.

[Alfred Marks]

What does that mean?

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Don't forget tonight. Goodbye, muscle man.

[Julie Andrews]

Muscle man?

[Alfred Marks]

A.

[Julie Andrews]

You look more like a popping swim to me.

[Alfred Marks]

Never mind what I look like to you. I'm still not satisfied about this empty room and that store.

[Harry Jakes]

Excuse me. Mr. Bygrave's been in you?

[Alfred Marks]

No, I told you last week. He's gone to New York.

[Harry Jakes]

Yes. Then you told me he hadn't got a room here. But I found a room. And I'm the door at Mr. Bygrave's private keep up. No admittance. Danger. Get out of it. Get back. No parking.

[Julie Andrews]

So what did you do?

[Harry Jakes]

I went in. Oh, no, Mr. Bygraves. It was just a trick of his to keep people out.

[Julie Andrews]

And what happened when you went in?

[Harry Jakes]

I fell 20ft through a trap door.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, dear. Poor Mr. Marks. What was down in the trap?

[Harry Jakes]

Oh, just another notice. It said. I forgot to mention mind a step. He was a very thoughtful man, Mr. Bygraves. Always thinking about women.

[Alfred Marks]

Mr. Marks. Was that his room?

[Harry Jakes]

Well, it Was his stall room.

[Alfred Marks]

You mean storeroom.

[Harry Jakes]

No, everything in it had been stol. By the way, Arts, did you ask Mr. Hancock about this room?

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, he said we could use it.

[Harry Jakes]

Righto, then. Come on, Gil. Get in there. Go on, Gil.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

What?

[Alfred Marks]

Get in, Gil. What are you talking about?

[Harry Jakes]

Not who. It's a horse. Don't get excited because it's about 60 years old and I don't want it to get frightened when it sees you.

[Alfred Marks]

A horse in my classroom? Never. Never. I see it all now. The straw, the empty room. You want to make this into a stable?

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, no, sir. No. You promised we could use it for a gym.

[Alfred Marks]

That's right. A gymnasium.

[Julie Andrews]

Ah, we meant a gym car.

[Alfred Marks]

There. Come on here. Come on here.

[Harry Jakes]

Steady there, Lee. Steady there, girl. Mind a man with a squarette on.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, no. Get it out of here.

[Harry Jakes]

Get it out. Don't keep waving your arms around like a Tic Tac man. You'll have it racing.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, she's all right, isn't she, eh? Where did you find her, Mr. Marks?

[Harry Jakes]

She was in Mr. Bargrave's storeroom on a shelf. Mark. Livestock.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, yes, the milkman did owe him some money.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, you can't keep it in here. Put it in the bathroom.

[Harry Jakes]

Can't do that, mate. I've got the chickens in there.

[Alfred Marks]

Chickens in the bathroom? And I suppose you've got a few goats tied up in my bedroom.

[Harry Jakes]

Not only one. I'll have to get rid of that when it's brought in.

[Alfred Marks]

The pigeons.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Mind yourself. Nelly's trotting.

[Julie Andrews]

Hey, hey. Hup, hup. Oh. All we want now is Gordon Richards.

[Harry Jakes]

I'll have a look in the storeroom.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, there. Steady, Nelly. Nice horse. Nice kind horse. Ho, ho.

[Harry Jakes]

Steady now. Don't jump about.

[Alfred Marks]

It's eating me hair.

[Harry Jakes]

Well, stand still. You got plenty of time before it gets to your head.

[Alfred Marks]

Oh, God.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, she's turning round again.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Wall.

[Harry Jakes]

Get wall. Steady. Put Mr. Ancock down.

[Alfred Marks]

This is too much. My hair.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Look at it.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, it's your own fault, sir. You shouldn't stand in front of it.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, I didn't know. Duck.

[Harry Jakes]

You shouldn't stand behind it either.

[Alfred Marks]

I'm fed up with this. That horse would have kicked me down into the main street if it hadn't been for the fire escape.

[Harry Jakes]

Well, two wrongs don't make a right.

[Alfred Marks]

What do you mean?

[Harry Jakes]

Just because Nellie ate some of your hair, there was no need for you to go round back and have a go at her tail.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, how was I to know it was Watching.

[Harry Jakes]

Oh, Nell's a very, very shrewd nut.

[Julie Andrews]

She's really very gentle. If you treat her right.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, you are not going to treat her in here. In future, you will exercise her on the lawn and not in the classroom.

[Harry Jakes]

I'll do that. The lawn ain't big enough.

[Alfred Marks]

There's more space on the lawn than in this classroom.

[Julie Andrews]

There isn't, sir.

[Alfred Marks]

Why not?

[Harry Jakes]

That's where we stack the furniture.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

Love is where you find it don't be blind it's gone around you everywhere Take it, take a chance now for romance now tell someone that you care Spring love comes upon you when it's gone you feel despair Sooner though in the moon aglow you'll find that a.

[Archie Andrews]

New love is there and love is.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

When you find we decided to be waiting. Everywhere it may hide from you for.

[Archie Andrews]

A while.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

It may come tonight In.

[Archie Andrews]

A time Find the flame of a new love in the arms of a true love Weak and so joy.

[Julie Andrews]

Tell.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

Us someone that you care Love is where you find it Just deploy it all around you Everywhere.

[Archie Andrews]

Everywhere.

[Alfred Marks]

Thank you. Thank you, Ms. Julie Andrews. That was splendid. Your voice improves with time.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, your voice is the same, sir, and it might improve.

[Alfred Marks]

Doing what?

[Julie Andrews]

A different kind of time.

[Alfred Marks]

Forward, boy. Now, as we have no furniture, I have bought my own rocking chair. And what's more, it is supposed to be a wishing chair.

[Julie Andrews]

A wishing chair? Oh, I think I'll have four pennies of this.

[Alfred Marks]

That's right. That's right. Now, rock back and forward.

[Tony Hancock]

All right.

[Julie Andrews]

I wish. I wish Zorange.

[Alfred Marks]

What do you wish?

[Julie Andrews]

I wish it wouldn't creak so much.

[Alfred Marks]

No, Andrew's a proper. Oh, look, it stopped creaking.

[Julie Andrews]

Isn't that amazing? All I did was stop rocking. Well, now, let me see. Oh, rocking chair. I wish. I wish I could see into the future. Into the future 100 years from now.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Welcome, Archie Andrews.

[Julie Andrews]

Yes, it is a funny name, isn't it? By the way, it's very hot, isn't it?

[The Tanner Sisters]

What do you expect down here?

[Julie Andrews]

Down here? Oh, no, no. All I wanted was to see a hundred years ahead, that's all.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Oh, you have? It is the year 2051. You have been with us 30 years.

[Julie Andrews]

Then this must be.

[The Tanner Sisters]

But don't say it. It's not allowed.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, why can't I say it?

[The Tanner Sisters]

We have the BBC down here.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, then you must be.

[The Tanner Sisters]

My card. You can just read the name where it isn't singed.

[Julie Andrews]

All parties catered for. No waiting. Propriety. No, no, no. I want to go back. Oh, I Give anything just to see dear old Dr. Hancock again.

[The Tanner Sisters]

He's over there.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, Dr. Hancock, I'm glad to see you.

[Alfred Marks]

Just hang on a minute, Andrews. Me fire's going up.

[Julie Andrews]

But tell me, Dr. Hancock, tell me, why are you here? What did you do wrong?

[Alfred Marks]

There's me list. When I was your tutor, I did all those wicked things and you got to blame.

[Julie Andrews]

What, all these?

[Alfred Marks]

Yes.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, well, what. What am I doing here, then? Perhaps you're right.

[The Tanner Sisters]

If you'd like to see your list, I'll get eight men to bring it up.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, no, no, please, please. Oh, dear. I wish I'd take Braff's advice now.

[Alfred Marks]

He should be along any minute with more coal.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, no, no, not Braff. What did he do?

[Alfred Marks]

Want to know something about income tax? Stand aside a minute, Andrews. My flames wilting. Where's me shovel? Where's me shovel? You can't move these days for politicians.

[Julie Andrews]

But, sir, it's so hot.

[Alfred Marks]

Yes, I know it is. Yes. If you're stopping, take your horns off.

[Julie Andrews]

Horns? Oh, dear, I've got a pair of horns.

[Alfred Marks]

You're lucky, Andrews. You've only got horns. Second class. Some of us have tails as well.

[The Tanner Sisters]

So now you've seen him, my boy. Anything else before you collect your shovel?

[Julie Andrews]

Well, how is Miss Dinglebody?

[The Tanner Sisters]

Miss Dinglebody? Oh, Agatha Dinglebody. Oh, she's not with us. She was kind, thoughtful, gentle, used to help people. Shocking woman.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, I'd like to see her, if I may, sir.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Oh, that's difficult. She's not in my territory.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, please, sir. I promise if you let me see her, I'll be a bad boy.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Oh, very well. Step in the lift. Sky, please.

[The Headley Ward Trio]

I'm living on top of the world.

[Archie Andrews]

And in my yard.

[The Tanner Sisters]

There she is. Fourth cloud on the left.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Archie, how nice to see you. I'm so glad you're with us.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, Ms. Dinglebonny. It's so clean and fresh here. And you look so beautiful.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

That's true.

[Alfred Marks]

We do as we please.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

If we wish to sleep, we sleep. If we wish to sing, we sing. Look at that group. Comedians playing Hamlet.

[Julie Andrews]

Well, I can only stay a short time, then I have to go back to.

[The Tanner Sisters]

You can say it. There's no BBC up here.

[Archie Andrews]

Silence.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad to see you. Any News of Anthony?

[Julie Andrews]

Dr. Hencock? Oh, last time I saw him, he was making toast for Napoleon.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Yes, he's in my power. And you'll never see him again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

You forget. If I wish to see him again, I see him. After all, Here you are.

[Alfred Marks]

Redundant.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Impossible. You'll never nep. What's that?

[Alfred Marks]

Beyond the blue.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, Ms. Dingle. Buddy, you've done it.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

He's here. He's here.

[Alfred Marks]

Hello, Agatha. You must excuse me being stripped to the waist.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Spoiled again. While I've still got you, boy.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, no, please.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Come on.

[Alfred Marks]

Well, Axpert, here we are. Another one, just the two of us.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Shame on you, Anthony. What about poor Archie? I'll get him back. Archie Andrews was the one who found a job that was lost and cared for it.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, I'm back again. Oh, thank you, Ms.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Single Body.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Archie Andrews was the one who trained him to catch rabbits.

[Alfred Marks]

He's gone below again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Archie Andrews also found £50. Returned it to his rightful owner.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, thanks again, Ms. Ingle Body.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Auntie Andrews was the one who caused the owner to lose it in the first place.

[Alfred Marks]

Down he goes again.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

He was all so kind to Mr. Br.

[The Tanner Sisters]

And look where he ended up.

[Archie Andrews]

He was good.

[The Tanner Sisters]

He was bad.

[Agatha Dinglebody]

Jacko.

[The Tanner Sisters]

Rough.

[Alfred Marks]

Archie.

[Tony Hancock]

Archie, stop rocking that chair. Wake up. Wake up.

[Julie Andrews]

What's the matter? Oh, it's you. Where's your barrow of coal?

[Alfred Marks]

Barrel of coal?

[Tony Hancock]

What are you talking about?

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, it's really you. Oh. Oh, then it was all a dream.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes. You probably had something to eat that didn't agree with you, my boy. Now, come on, it's time for bed.

[Julie Andrews]

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so glad it was a dream.

[Tony Hancock]

Yes, that's all it was. Archie.

[Julie Andrews]

Ralph, just to make sure.

[Tony Hancock]

What?

[Julie Andrews]

Can I see your income tax return?

[Archie Andrews]

We've all got to teach him. But what is the good? It just doesn't sink in. His head's made of wood. What a problem child is. Here.

[Peter Bruff]

You have heard Peter Bruff and Artie Andrews in a recording of Educating Arty with Alfred Marks, Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, the Tanner Sisters, the Headley Ward Trio and Anthem and his orchestra. And this is Peter Madden inviting you to listen again at the same time.

[Tony Hancock]

Next week when we'll be at you.