Educating Archie 1957-12-25 Archie Gets A Dog

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Educating Archie Episode: "Archie Gets A Dog"

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Introduction: Archie's Heartfelt Christmas Wish

In the delightful holiday-themed episode of Educating Archie, Archie Andrews expresses a common boyhood desire that resonates with listeners of all ages—the wish to have a beloved pet. Set against the backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, this episode masterfully blends humor, family dynamics, and a touch of whimsy as Archie’s Christmas wish unfolds.

Archie’s Christmas Wish (00:44 – 02:28)

The episode opens with Archie Andrews eagerly communicating his Christmas wish to his father, Peter Bruff. At [00:53], Archie confidently declares, “I want a dog.” Despite Peter’s initial reservations about the responsibilities that come with pet ownership, Archie’s determination shines through. Peter contemplates the idea but remains skeptical, concerned about the added workload for Grimble, the family’s helper.

• Notable Quote:
  Peter Bruff [00:55]: “Archie, I don't think you should have a dog, my boy. I'm sure you wouldn't be able to look after it properly, and it would mean more work for poor old Grimble.”

Undeterred, Archie engages Grimble in the discussion, showcasing his resourcefulness and charm. Grimble, fond of dogs, subtly supports Archie's wish, despite having reservations about a previous dog-related mishap involving fines and a dog license.

Acquiring Tiny: Visiting Monty’s Menagerie (02:49 – 10:02)

With his second choice slipping through—Jane Mansfield’s mention prompting Peter to relent—Archie sets out to find his dream dog. Accompanied by Emily Pearl Car, Archie visits Monty's Menagerie, operated by the eccentric Mr. Monty. The encounter is fraught with comedic antics as Mr. Monty presents a bizarre array of pets, rejecting the notion of a traditional dog in favor of more unusual animals like crocodiles and birds.

At [04:04], Archie insists, “I don’t want a bird. I want a dog,” prompting Mr. Monty to reveal Tiny, the unique dog, albeit initially unavailable for purchase.

• Notable Quote:
  Mr. Monty [04:04]: “Dogs are out the fashion, Nipo. People are going in for unusual pets these days. Now then, do you like snakes?”

Finally, through a humorous twist involving a talking dog disguised as a “wild flugel owl,” Archie secures Tiny, much to his delight and the dismay of Peter and Grimble, who immediately recognize the challenges ahead.

Tiny’s Troubles: The Cost of Pet Ownership (10:02 – 09:10)

Archie’s joy is short-lived as Tiny proves to be more of a handful than anticipated. By [07:02], Archie reflects on his growing affection for Tiny, despite Grimble and Emily Pearl Car's constant complaints about the dog’s destructive behavior and high maintenance costs.

• Notable Quote:
  Grimble [07:56]: “That dog will have to go. It’s ruining everything, my boy.”

The household faces financial strain, with Grimble humorously revealing that he’s spent 15 pounds on "dog's meat," leading to lighthearted chaos and the realization that Tiny may not be the ideal pet after all.

The Revelation: Tiny, The Talking Dog (10:10 – 14:04)

In a surprising turn of events, Archie discovers that Tiny can talk. This revelation shifts the dynamics, as Archie enthusiastically shares Tiny’s extraordinary ability with Peter Bruff and Mr. Monty.

• Notable Quote:
  Archie Andrews [10:30]: “Yes, he can talk. Tiny can talk.”

Demonstrating Tiny's conversational talents, Archie engages Tiny in a playful dialogue, impressing Mr. Monty and Grimble. The group's skepticism turns to amazement as Tiny correctly answers trivia questions, solidifying his unique place in the household.

Promoting Tiny: Meeting Max Bygraves (14:04 – 21:04)

The episode reaches its comedic peak when Archie, seeing an opportunity to capitalize on Tiny’s abilities, enlists the help of special guest Max Bygraves. Together, they attempt to promote Tiny as a novelty act. Their adventures lead them to a recording studio, where Tiny's talents are showcased amidst a series of humorous mishaps, including misunderstandings during a performances and interactions with other entertainers.

• Notable Quote:
  Max Bygraves [14:26]: “He certainly would. And there might be room for two or three people as well.”

Despite their best efforts, the duo encounters resistance from other agents who deem Tiny’s act too troublesome, highlighting the challenges of introducing something as unconventional as a talking dog to the entertainment industry.

Climactic Race Bet: Tiny's True Value (21:04 – 26:58)

Determined to prove Tiny’s worth, Archie and Max place a bet on a dog race, relying on Tiny’s predictions. The race serves as both a comedic spectacle and a pivotal moment for the characters. Tiny correctly identifies the winning trap, leading to a triumphant yet chaotic conclusion as Tiny becomes the star he was meant to be.

• Notable Quote:
  Archie Andrews [25:56]: “Tiny was right. We’ve won. We’ve won.”

In the aftermath, Tiny's newfound fame leads to his departure with Max Bygraves, leaving Archie grateful yet contemplative about his experience with the extraordinary pet.

Conclusion: Reflections and Farewells (26:58 – End)

The episode wraps up with reflections on the whirlwind adventure, highlighting themes of responsibility, the unforeseen challenges of pet ownership, and the magic that a beloved pet can bring into one’s life.

• Notable Quote:
  Narrator [26:58]: “Concerned in this latest attempt at Educating Archie were Peter Bruff Dick, Emily Pearl Car, Peter Hawkins and our special guest, Max Bygraves, together with Ronald Chesney and the BBC Variety Orbit conducted by Paul Fennerlay.”

Final Thoughts

Educating Archie's "Archie Gets A Dog" is a charming blend of humor, heart, and the timeless appeal of a boy and his dog. Through witty dialogues, memorable characters, and unexpected twists, the episode captures the essence of family radio entertainment, making it a delightful listen for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Peter Bruff [00:55]: “Archie, I don't think you should have a dog, my boy. I'm sure you wouldn't be able to look after it properly, and it would mean more work for poor old Grimble.”

• Mr. Monty [04:04]: “Dogs are out the fashion, Nipo. People are going in for unusual pets these days. Now then, do you like snakes?”

• Archie Andrews [10:30]: “Yes, he can talk. Tiny can talk.”

• Max Bygraves [14:26]: “He certainly would. And there might be room for two or three people as well.”

• Archie Andrews [25:56]: “Tiny was right. We’ve won. We’ve won.”

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the humorous and heartwarming journey of Archie Andrews as he navigates the joys and challenges of owning a talking dog, Tiny. The episode stands as a testament to the enduring charm of classic radio storytelling.

Transcript

[Expedia]

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[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're educating Archie. Sooner or later, every boy wants to be the proud owner of a dog. And this week, Archie proves that he's no exception.

[Peter Bruff]

Archie, my boy, what would you like for Christmas?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, bruh, can I have anything I like?

[Peter Bruff]

Of course, my boy. Anything you want. Just name it and you can have it.

[Archie Andrews]

I want a dog.

[Peter Bruff]

Archie, I don't think you should have a dog, my boy. I'm sure you wouldn't be able to look after it properly, and it would mean more work for poor old Grimble.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, I don't think Grimble would mind, really. I'll call him in and see. A Grimble. A Grimble. Grimble. Yes?

[Grimble]

You wish to have work with me?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yes, Grimble, I do. Look, I want a dog for Christmas.

[Grimble]

Oh, why don't you have a turkey like everyone else?

[Archie Andrews]

No, I want Bruff to buy me a dog as a pit. You wouldn't mind, would you?

[Grimble]

No, I like dogs.

[Mr. Monty]

I used to have a dog at home. It was a watchdog.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, what did it watch?

[Mr. Monty]

Television.

[Grimble]

Oh, go on, Mr. Bruff. My hearty little dog. Don't you like dogs?

[Archie Andrews]

Eh?

[Peter Bruff]

Well, yes, of course I do, but. But somehow dogs don't seem to like me.

[Grimble]

Oh, go on. It'd be lovely having a little puppy around the house. You get ever so fond of them. I was very unhappy when I lost my dog. The police took him away.

[Archie Andrews]

What for?

[Mr. Monty]

Begging?

[Archie Andrews]

Don't be daft. All dogs sit up and beg.

[Grimble]

I know, but this one went round with a hat.

[Mr. Monty]

Terrible trouble.

[Grimble]

I was fined five pounds and the dog had his license indoors.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, now, come on, Bruff. You said that I could have anything I like for Christmas and my first choice is a dog.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, what's your second choice at Jane Mansfield. Oh, that settles it. You better have a dog.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, good. Good old Bruff. Oh, I'm going to have a dog.

[Grimble]

I'll go without him helping to choose one.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh. Oh, no, no, you don't, Grimble. I'll send my secretary, Miss Pearl Car.

[Grimble]

Oh, why can't I go with them?

[Peter Bruff]

Because, Grimble, I don't think you're capable of making a good choice.

[Grimble]

Oh, you're always on at me, you are.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, no, I'm not.

[Grimble]

Yes, you are.

[Peter Bruff]

I'm not.

[Grimble]

Yes, you are.

[Peter Bruff]

I am not.

[Customer]

Oh, I.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Archie, I can't see any Little dogs in the window.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, well, there bound to be some inside. Come on, let's go in. Come on.

[Customer]

Oh, good morning.

[Mr. Monty]

We'd like to buy a dog. Then you've come to the right thing. Just a moment.

[Max Bygraves]

Quiet.

[Mr. Monty]

Drive her around the bend. They will now, miss. Welcome to Monty's Menagerie. What can I do for you, then?

[Emily Pearl Car]

Well, I brought this young lad in here because he wants a pet.

[Mr. Monty]

Well, you can use the back room if you like. I'll close my eyes for you.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, now, don't miss about, Mr. Monty. We're here to do some business with you.

[Mr. Monty]

Good. Pull up a hedgehog and sit down.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Well, perhaps you'd care to show us a selection.

[Mr. Monty]

Cramped. Get moved. He's got out again. Don't panic, miss. Get back in that cage. Go on. Back down. Give me a chair. I'll soon have him there. Go on. Ah, you'd bite me, would you? Back, I say.

[Max Bygraves]

Go on.

[Mr. Monty]

That's got him. Lovely little budgie, isn't he, hey?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, sir. And look at those colors. Blue, green and bright red.

[Mr. Monty]

Yes, it's one of nature's miracles. How a little bird like that can grow these lovely colors all on.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Yes, and. May I touch him?

[Mr. Monty]

Not yet, Mr. Peterson. Drag.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, now look, Mr. Monty. I don't want a bird. I want a dog.

[Mr. Monty]

Dog? Dogs are out the fashion, Nipo. People are going in for unusual pets these days. Now then, do you like snakes?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, I don't know. I've never tasted one.

[Mr. Monty]

We've got to rake one here, haven't we? You need a haircut, Nipper. Go and shove your head in the woodpecker's cage.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Oh, come on, Mr. Monty, show us some dog.

[Mr. Monty]

No, miss, I've got a better idea now. Why not buy a couple of crocodiles? Lovely pets they make. And you grow your own handbags.

[Archie Andrews]

Mr. Monty, the dog's coming.

[Mr. Monty]

I'm sorry, Nippon. There's not one dog in the place.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, no, that was a dog. And he's in your back room. Here, come on. Cool. I said cool. What a whopper, eh?

[Mr. Monty]

Yes, he's a bit big. I came in this morning and three white mice fell out.

[Emily Pearl Car]

I've never seen such a big dog. Oh, what breed is he?

[Mr. Monty]

He's a wild flugel owl. They're trained to want flugels, you know.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, what's a flugel?

[Mr. Monty]

Nobody knows. That's what makes him wild. Oh, look.

[Archie Andrews]

Look at him. Oh, he likes me. Oh, here. What's he saying?

[Mr. Monty]

Tiny.

[Archie Andrews]

Tiny.

[Mr. Monty]

Yes, but he's not for sale. He's too valuable to sell.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Oh, what a shame. And Mr. Bruff gave me ten pounds to spend on a dog.

[Mr. Monty]

Done. Shall I wrap him up or will you ride him home?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, jolly good, jolly good. He's mine. Oh, that's wonderful.

[Mr. Monty]

While you and the dog get acquainted, I'll see to this other customer.

[Narrator]

Good morning, Mr. Monty.

[Archie Andrews]

Why, it's Ronald Chesney here. What's he doing in here?

[Mr. Monty]

I've got a canary that whistles off key. He comes in every day to tune his arm.

[Max Bygraves]

Monica.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Now, that's not Ronald Chesney. Sounds very nice. If he plays, I'd like to sing.

[Mr. Monty]

Blimey. Another off key canary. All right, get together, you two.

[Customer]

This is my happy go lucky, happy go lucky day I got out of bed the right side Now I'm looking on the bright side for this is my happy go lucky, happy go lucky day it when a blue but said good morning I knew my special day was ding I've got the craziest feeling Everything's going my way Every hour and minute we have happiness in it I'm a happy go lucky day.

[Emily Pearl Car]

I've got.

[Customer]

The craziest feeling Everything's going my way Every island we have happiness in and I'm a happy God of Jesus.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, it was great fun having a real live dog all to the shelf. Yeah, I grew to like Tiny more and more every day. But old brat Grimble and Ms. Carr were always grumbling about him.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, it's no use, Archie. That dog will have to go. It's ruining everything, my boy.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, it is.

[Peter Bruff]

The guard's in a shocking state. He will keep burying old bones.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, he's had a go at you twice.

[Mr. Monty]

That's enough.

[Peter Bruff]

That's quite enough. That dog's a positive menace. He frightens the life out of the neighbors.

[Emily Pearl Car]

And he's always going for the tradesman.

[Grimble]

That's right. Only this morning, he bit the postman in the middle of his early morning delivery. That dog will have to guide.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, no, please, please don't send him away.

[Mr. Monty]

Please.

[Archie Andrews]

He'll soon settle down. And there's another thing I thought there would be. You pandered to that dog far too much.

[Grimble]

Yes, and I have to do all the pandering. That dog's so lazy that when he feels happy, I have to push his tail to and fro for him.

[Emily Pearl Car]

I don't believe it.

[Grimble]

It's true. I have to do everything for that dog. It's most embarrassing when he feels in a devilish mood. I have to Go and chase cats.

[Mr. Monty]

Up a tree for him, and when.

[Grimble]

It comes to feeding him, it's murder.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Well, what's so difficult?

[Grimble]

He's so shaggy, I can't tell which end he's with.

[Archie Andrews]

Ah, well, now, that's easy. You hold a bone out to him, and if the end nearest to you doesn't bark, you nip around and give it to the other end. He's quite easy to manage.

[Max Bygraves]

Really is.

[Peter Bruff]

I don't care, Archie. That dog is going.

[Archie Andrews]

But, bruh.

[Peter Bruff]

Now, look, my boy, I'll buy you a smaller one. Anyway, this one is far too expensive. Costs a fortune to feed.

[Grimble]

Yes, I spent 15 pounds on dog's meat this week.

[Mr. Monty]

Fifteen?

[Max Bygraves]

Is there any money left for our food?

[Archie Andrews]

Have you spent it all, or will we have to eat horse meat? Answer me that.

[Grimble]

There isn't. I did.

[Mr. Monty]

And you already have.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Grandma, don't tell me for the last few days I've been eating horse meat.

[Grimble]

I thought you might have found out. By the way, the milkman's horse keeps winking at you.

[Peter Bruff]

This dog business is not on far enough. It's quite obvious to me you'll have to go.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, Bruff, please let him stay just for a few more days. I'll keep him under control. Honest I will.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, well, all right, Archie, you'll have just one more chance.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, thank you.

[Peter Bruff]

But by the way, where is he now? A big skulking brute.

[Emily Pearl Car]

He's outside. I can hear him whining.

[Grimble]

That's not him whining. That's the wind whistling through his whiskers.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, he's not coming in this house again.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, well, he won't. He's in the garage. I tied him to the front of your car.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Archie, I thought you said you tied him to the front of the car.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, I did.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, then how did he get away?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, I don't. Crikey. Look what's dangling around its neck.

[Emily Pearl Car]

What?

[Archie Andrews]

The radiator.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, that settles it. That dog must go.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, knowing that my dear old Tiny had to go, I spent as much time with him as possible. And one day I found something very strange about him. Oh, I couldn't wait to break the news to Bruff.

[Peter Bruff]

Archie. Archie, I thought I told you not to bring that dog in here.

[Archie Andrews]

But, Bruff, I found out something very unusual about him.

[Peter Bruff]

What?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, he can talk.

[Peter Bruff]

What?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, Tiny can talk.

[Peter Bruff]

I don't believe it.

[Archie Andrews]

But he can't listen. Now, come on, Tiny. Who's this gentleman? Now, what's his name?

[Mr. Monty]

Yeah, all right, all right.

[Peter Bruff]

Very funny. Now, come on, get him out of here.

[Archie Andrews]

The puppy can talk. Really. He can answer questions. Come on, Tiny. He's one on film stars. Who was Marilyn Monroe's first husband? Come on, come on, think. He was a great baseball player.

[Mr. Monty]

Ruth. Ruth.

[Archie Andrews]

There you are, you see? Babe Ruth.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Oh, but it wasn't Babe Ruth. Sorry, Tiny, you were wrong. Have another guess.

[Mr. Monty]

Joe DiMaggio. Joe DiMaggio.

[Grimble]

See, he's got it right. He's got it right. The dog talks.

[Archie Andrews]

Yay.

[Grimble]

Oh, yes, it talks.

[Archie Andrews]

Yay.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Well, I never.

[Archie Andrews]

Go on.

[Mr. Monty]

I'll bet you have.

[Archie Andrews]

I don't understand it.

[Peter Bruff]

That dog's been here a week. If it could talk, why didn't it say anything before?

[Max Bygraves]

Oh, couldn't with you, Rob?

[Mr. Monty]

Blabbermouth.

[Max Bygraves]

Blabbermouth.

[Grimble]

Oh, he's intelligent as well.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, he's got a grand sense of humor. Listen, Listen, Tiny. What happened when you went to join the army? I didn't want me because you were C3.

[Mr. Monty]

No, canine. Canine.

[Emily Pearl Car]

Well, Mr. Bruff, you can't get rid of Tiny now.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, yes, he does seem an unusual animal, doesn't he?

[Grimble]

So unusual. I went to the local theater last week and saw a talking dog.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, I. I believe I did see one once.

[Archie Andrews]

It was.

[Peter Bruff]

It was a good act, you know. Man who owned it really cleaned up, made a fortune.

[Archie Andrews]

Couldn't I go on the stage with Tiny? Just think of the money I'd make.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, that's right, Archie. For once you're talking sense, my boy. Ah, but. But what's the best way to go about this?

[Archie Andrews]

I know. We're meeting Mr. Bygraves today, aren't we? That's right. We promised to meet him at the.

[Peter Bruff]

Recording studios and then have some lunch.

[Mr. Monty]

Good.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, well, then we can take Tiny along with us and get Mr. Bygrave's advice.

[Grimble]

You know, you shouldn't take your great big dog along to the gramophone recording place.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, why not?

[Grimble]

We chase that little dog right down the loudspeaker.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, well, never mind about that. Come on, Tiny. We're taking you along to meet Mr. Bygrave. Come on.

[Max Bygraves]

Archie, you've arrived and approve it. You're here.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, hello, Mr. Bike.

[Max Bygraves]

Hello, Boris. What's this, an Aberdeen Angus?

[Archie Andrews]

No, no, no. That's my dog, Tiny. Here, what do you think of him?

[Max Bygraves]

I can't tell from this position. He's sitting on me face. I think he likes me. You know, he's just bitten a lump out my leg.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, does that mean he likes you?

[Max Bygraves]

Well, he hasn't spat it Out.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, you'll be all right in a minute. Now, come on. Just make friends with him.

[Max Bygraves]

I'll stand on that chair and pat his head.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah.

[Max Bygraves]

Down, boy.

[Archie Andrews]

Down.

[Max Bygraves]

Now, just relax. Now, stop it, Tony. Stop it. This is a recording studio. People might think you're Lonnie Donegan. Now, shut up. Now, why you brought this dog here?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, something very unusual has happened.

[Max Bygraves]

I know. You opened the paper this morning, and there wasn't a picture of Tommy Steele.

[Archie Andrews]

Very funny.

[Mr. Monty]

Very funny.

[Max Bygraves]

What's the matter, Mr. Bruff? You've got a sore throat?

[Peter Bruff]

Now, that wasn't my voice. That was the dog's.

[Max Bygraves]

Oh. Must be a husky. That dog talks. I don't believe it.

[Peter Bruff]

I can't talk.

[Mr. Monty]

I can't.

[Archie Andrews]

You see?

[Max Bygraves]

You see?

[Archie Andrews]

That noise definitely came from that dog's mouth.

[Max Bygraves]

Now, wait a minute.

[Mr. Monty]

Let's. Let's work this out.

[Max Bygraves]

Either it's a talking dog, or there's a wonderful ventriloquist around here. Yeah, it must be a talking dog.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, you're right, Mr. B. It is a talking dog.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, and not only could he talk, but it can answer questions. Now, go on, try it. Ask him anything.

[Archie Andrews]

Anything.

[Max Bygraves]

All right, all right. Just wait a minute. Tiny, tell me, what is six and five?

[Mr. Monty]

Eleven. Eleven. Not bad.

[Max Bygraves]

You know, he's only two out.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, Mr. Bygraves, just think of the possibilities. We want to put Tiny on the stage.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, and he'd fill the theater.

[Max Bygraves]

He certainly would. And there might be room for two or three people as well.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, Mr. Bygraves, will you help us, please?

[Max Bygraves]

Now, let me see. I could take him along to my agent.

[Mr. Monty]

Mr. Bygraves. We're all set up to record your number now.

[Max Bygraves]

Oh, thank goodness for that. Yes, I'll be over in a minute.

[Archie Andrews]

Here, can we come and listen, Mr. B?

[Max Bygraves]

Yeah, but keep that dog away from the music stand. Go on.

[Mr. Monty]

Here.

[Peter Bruff]

All right. Go on then.

[Singing Cricket]

Nothing is as sweet as the song of the cricket. Nothing can compare with its melody.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, that's nice, Mr. B.

[Singing Cricket]

Nothing has a beautiful like the song of the cricket. Filling all the air like a symphony. Folks who go for nightingale and meadow Lots are wrong. There is nothing like the cricket chirping out his song. I will always go for the song of the cricket. Where he makes his hum. That's where I belong. Cause I love the cricket and his song.

[Mr. Monty]

Oh, that's cute, isn't it?

[Archie Andrews]

Tell me some more.

[Max Bygraves]

Hello, little cricket.

[Singing Cricket]

You're a nice little thing, aren't you?

[Peter Bruff]

How old are you?

[Max Bygraves]

Tell me, little Cricket, what's Your name? Davey. Bless my soul. Davey Cricket.

[Mr. Monty]

He's cute as me.

[Max Bygraves]

Do you mind if I pick you up?

[Mr. Monty]

Big oven apple. How's that?

[Max Bygraves]

Nice, isn't he, sweetheart?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, it's lovely, isn't he?

[Singing Cricket]

Folks who go for nightingale and meadow knocks around. There is nothing like the cricket chirping out his song.

[Archie Andrews]

I will always go.

[Singing Cricket]

For the song of the cricket where he makes his tongue. That's where I belong. Cause I love the cricket. Cute little daisy cricket. Yes, I love the cricket.

[Mr. Monty]

And this.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, Mr. Bygraves was a great help to us. As soon as he finished his recording session, he took me and Tiny along to see a big agent who specialized in animal aids.

[Max Bygraves]

Good morning, Cynthia.

[Singing Cricket]

Is the governor around?

[Emily Pearl Car]

Oh, yes, Mr. Bygraves. We got your phone message and you're to go straight in.

[Max Bygraves]

Right. Come on, Archie. We'll leave Tiny out here.

[Peter Bruff]

Right.

[Max Bygraves]

Oh.

[Mr. Monty]

How do you do? My name's Chappington, chap.

[Archie Andrews]

Ah, tell me, are you in charge of this important agency?

[Mr. Monty]

Yes. That's a laugh for a start. Right. How nice to see you again, Max. By Joe. I did enjoy your stage act last night, the Prince of Wales. Did you?

[Max Bygraves]

I'm not at the Prince of Wales. I'm at the Opera House, Manchester. You must have seen Sabrina.

[Mr. Monty]

Did I?

[Grimble]

You know, I thought you'd put on.

[Mr. Monty]

A bit of weight. Well, what can I do for you?

[Max Bygraves]

Well, I didn't come here to talk about me.

[Mr. Monty]

No.

[Grimble]

That makes a change, doesn't it?

[Max Bygraves]

All right, laughing boy. Now look, this is Archie Andrews and he's got a sensational new act for you.

[Archie Andrews]

That's right, Mr. Chappie. I've got a real live talking dog by jab.

[Mr. Monty]

A dog that talk. Yes. Where is it?

[Max Bygraves]

Outside making a phone call to his girlfriend.

[Grimble]

I see. He's. He's having a pow wow.

[Mr. Monty]

Or should I say bow wow?

[Max Bygraves]

Better right one here. You shouldn't have said anything. I don't think.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, I'll call him in. Tony. Come on, boy.

[Singing Cricket]

Come on, boy.

[Archie Andrews]

Come on.

[Mr. Monty]

I say. He. He's come straight through the wall.

[Max Bygraves]

That's Tiny for you. Got no use for doors.

[Mr. Monty]

I say, what a whopping great dog.

[Max Bygraves]

Yes, he's half Alsatian and half Nelson and just a touch of Shetland pony.

[Archie Andrews]

Now, come on, Tiny. Come on. That's it, boy. Shake hands with the gentleman.

[Max Bygraves]

See, look. Hepatitol got manners. See him take his gloves off.

[Mr. Monty]

Extraordinary. Yes.

[Grimble]

It's the first time I've seen a.

[Mr. Monty]

Dog wearing white gloves.

[Max Bygraves]

He doesn't wear them all the time. You know he's been doing an impression of Al Jolson. Thank you.

[Mr. Monty]

Fascinating. So this dog can do impressions too, huh?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yeah. He can impersonate animals as well. Come on, Tiny. Impersonate a dog.

[Peter Bruff]

That's it.

[Mr. Monty]

Tick tock. Tick, tock. What sort of dog is that?

[Max Bygraves]

Watchdog.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, and he knows nursery rhymes too. Come on, Tiny. Say the last line after me. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get poor Tiny a phone. When she got there, the cupboard was.

[Mr. Monty]

Bare so I bit a piece out of her leg. I said, that's not right. I'd hoped I was starving.

[Archie Andrews]

There you are. Now, how about that, Mr. Chappy?

[Mr. Monty]

Now, I'm sorry I couldn't book him. He's such a funny color. You know, he's got a brown body but a long black tail.

[Max Bygraves]

That's because he's so big. You see, when he's indoors, the only place where his tail is right up the chimney.

[Mr. Monty]

Really? I bet it'll frighten the life out of old Santa Claus. I'm sorry there, but none of us agents. None of us agents are interested in animal acts. Too much trouble.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, but Tiny won't be any trouble.

[Mr. Monty]

I wouldn't be too sure. Once I put out a bill of all animal acts. Even had a fee circus. One night the fees got drunk and ran off with a performing dog.

[Max Bygraves]

You're missing a fortune. This dog can count.

[Mr. Monty]

Oh, that's another reason why I don't want him. I never, never book an act who can count their wages. That's why I stick to comedians, you see. Terribly sorry. Nothing.

[Max Bygraves]

Going all right. All right. You'll regret this. Come on, come on. Let's go and try somewhere else.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, gosh. Look out of the window, Mr. B. It started to rain. Here. Got an umbrella?

[Max Bygraves]

No, we don't need one. We can all walk underneath the dog.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yeah, that's.

[Peter Bruff]

Yeah. I say, nice house you've got here, Mr. Bygrave.

[Max Bygraves]

Yeah, and I'm glad to be back in it. I'm fed up with traipsing around those agents. None of them wanted your dog.

[Archie Andrews]

But what are we gonna do with Tiny?

[Max Bygraves]

I don't know. Let's clip him and stuff the sofa.

[Archie Andrews]

But, Mr. Bygraves, I'm worried. If Tiny won't earn his keep, Bruff won't let me keep him.

[Max Bygraves]

Well, Tiny doesn't seem to care. Look at him sitting in my armchair, reading the papers. Oh, but he's doing his pulls.

[Archie Andrews]

He certainly is marvelous. You know, it's the first time I've seen a Dog reading a newspaper.

[Max Bygraves]

Yeah, I'm wearing my glasses here, Tiny. What are you reading? Are you interested in football?

[Mr. Monty]

No.

[Max Bygraves]

Dogs.

[Mr. Monty]

Dogs?

[Max Bygraves]

Yeah.

[Mr. Monty]

Some of our best friends are dogs. Listen, there's a dog running Harringay tonight who thinks he's going to win the third race, but he's not.

[Archie Andrews]

He's not? How do you know?

[Mr. Monty]

Well, the other dogs told me they're going to trip him up on the first bed.

[Archie Andrews]

The other dogs are going to trip him up?

[Mr. Monty]

Yeah. It's not his turn to win tonight. He won last night.

[Max Bygraves]

Now, just a minute. You say it's not his turn. You mean to say the dogs work it out between themselves?

[Mr. Monty]

Of course I do. You've got a strong union here.

[Archie Andrews]

Mr. Bygrass, I've got a wonderful idea. Let's take Time to the dog track and he'll find out which dog's gonna win.

[Max Bygraves]

That's a good idea. This dog is going to the dogs.

[Singing Cricket]

Come on.

[Max Bygraves]

Right, off you go, Tony, and find out who's going to win the first race. We'll wait by this bookmaker stand.

[Mr. Monty]

All right.

[Max Bygraves]

Now, while he's gone, we better find out the way the betting's going.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, that's it. I'll leave that to you, Mr. Mygraves. Here, try the bookie on the end. Look, honest, Punchy.

[Max Bygraves]

All right, I will.

[Peter Bruff]

I'll say, what's the odds?

[Mr. Monty]

That's what I say, what's the odds? As long as you're happy.

[Archie Andrews]

No, no, Mr. Pie, Graves meant. What odds are you giving against the dogs?

[Mr. Monty]

Six. Six to four the field. But no betting on the hair. I've lost money like that before.

[Max Bygraves]

You're the sort of bookie I've been looking for. Here, will you give me 10 to 1 for watching trap 5?

[Mr. Monty]

It all depends what's in trap 5.

[Max Bygraves]

A mouse.

[Mr. Monty]

Yes, that's funny, that is. Yes. Yes, that's humorous. Yes. Yes. Yes, I like a bit of who Matt.

[Max Bygraves]

Why not? We're all human, aren't we?

[Mr. Monty]

Yes. That's even funnier. You ought to be on the stage. Yes, well, yes, with a bit of luck, you could be another Mr. Bygrain.

[Max Bygraves]

You really think so, do you?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes.

[Mr. Monty]

We could do with the second Max. Migraines. I'm a bit fed up with the first one. What dog do you want to bet on? These?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, we're not sure yet. We're waiting for some good tea.

[Mr. Monty]

Yeah.

[Max Bygraves]

You see, our dog has gone to talk to the grounds. Then he's going to come back and tell us which one's going to Win?

[Mr. Monty]

Your dog is going to tell you.

[Grimble]

Which dog is going to win.

[Mr. Monty]

Yes, well, I got in my condition through boxing. What's your excuse?

[Max Bygraves]

Look, there's nothing wrong with us. It's just that we've got a talking dog.

[Grimble]

Well, who hasn't?

[Archie Andrews]

You are. Here he comes. Look, he's Tiny. Good boy. Now, come on. Now, what's going to win the first race, eh? Trap number six.

[Max Bygraves]

Here.

[Mr. Monty]

Did you hear that? Your dog said trap number six. You know what you got there?

[Max Bygraves]

Yes, a talking dog.

[Mr. Monty]

No, no, not only that, he's a rotten picker. Yeah, Number six couldn't win if he had four more legs.

[Max Bygraves]

Now, never mind. I'll take a chance. I'll have two bob on trap six.

[Mr. Monty]

Hey, you got this wonderful tip set information and you're only putting on two shootings.

[Max Bygraves]

He's a talking dog, but for all we know, he might be a liar.

[Mr. Monty]

No, no, I'll take the best.

[Archie Andrews]

You're on, Mr. Pigrays. Look. See, they're putting the dogs in the tracks.

[Mr. Monty]

Good.

[Max Bygraves]

Now let's watch the race and come back and collect the winnings.

[Archie Andrews]

I know. Come on, then.

[Max Bygraves]

Oh, here comes the air.

[Mr. Monty]

Here comes the air.

[Max Bygraves]

Archie.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, God, this is exciting.

[Mr. Monty]

There goes number six.

[Max Bygraves]

Oh, look, Bouncing Bessie. She's out in front of the first bend.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes. Oh, I say, she's very nimble, isn't she's?

[Max Bygraves]

Running on the rails. Get back on the track.

[Mr. Monty]

That's it.

[Archie Andrews]

Come on, you're winning.

[Mr. Monty]

Here is the result of the first race. The winner, track six, Bouncing Betty. Archie, we've won.

[Max Bygraves]

Tiny was right. We've won. We've won.

[Archie Andrews]

Well done, Mr. B. I say, look at that other poor dog still running. Look, he's run right out of the main entrance.

[Max Bygraves]

That's not a dog. That's our boogie. Never mind. We still got our talking dog. Here he comes. He's bringing the winner to meet us. Isn't it nice?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, isn't that sweet? Oh, I see. He's walking straight past us. He. Tiny here. Come back, Tiny. Where are you going? With Bouncing Bessie?

[Peter Bruff]

Right.

[Max Bygraves]

Yeah, but look, all that money sticking out of your colleague. Did you ever bet yourself on that race?

[Mr. Monty]

Yeah, a fiver.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, you.

[Max Bygraves]

You can't leave us like that. We're on a good thing so much.

[Mr. Monty]

Hello.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, Mr. Biver, he's going. Oh, I say, he's known lots of lady dogs and he's never wanted to go to Brighton before. I can't understand it.

[Max Bygraves]

Well, perhaps he's ever had the money before. Happy Christmas, Archie. You're going to join me for some Christmas dinner.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, right, Mr. My Graves. Where are you going?

[Max Bygraves]

Let us see. Dog Zone.

[Customer]

Oh, Happy.

[Mr. Monty]

Birth.

[Narrator]

Concerned in this latest attempt at Educating Archie were Peter Bruff Dick, Emily Pearl, Car, Peter Hawkins and our special guest, Max Bygraves, together with Ronald Chesney and the BBC Variety Orbit conducted by Paul Fennerlay.