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Educating Archie 51-xx-xx With Tony Hancock
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Educating Archie 51-xx-xx With Tony Hancock
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Peter Bruff
Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the godfather@champacasino.com test your luck on the shadowy world of the Godfather slot. Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather now@Champacasino.com Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law. 18 + terms and conditions apply. We present Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Archie. We'll be educating Archie so we'll be busy for a while With Alfred Marks, Harry Jakes, Tony Hancock, Julie Andrews, Peter Madden, the Tanner sisters and the Headley Ward trio We'll be educating Archie o not a job for anyone. He's no good at spelling. He hasn't a clue. He tells us three sevens to make 22. It's a problem you can see to be educated. Saturday afternoon lunch is over, the dishes have been cleared away, and a man can stretch out his legs in his favorite armchair, switch on the football commentary and relax. Or can he? Well, we'll soon find out. So let's go over to their house and meet Peter Bruff. And Archie Andrews bangs the ball down the center line. He puts it through the basin. Miss. No. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Get up, Silver. Bang. Archie. Archie, please. Reach for your gun, partner. I'm a coming in shooting. Bang, bang, bang. Archie, please. I'm trying to listen to the football. What do you think you're doing? I'm playing cowboys. Which way did they go, sheriff? Oh, they went that away, did they? Get up there. Well, stop it, Archie, do you hear? This is the most exciting part of the game. Come on. The center forward there. Come on, man. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Oh, thank. Oh, what's the use? Are they a switching office? No, Archie. You completely ruined my afternoon's enjoyment. You and your cowboys. Well, it's your own fault, brat. You're the one who wouldn't let me go to the pictures. I should think not. Pictures, indeed. Why aren't you out playing with the other boys of your own age? I can't. Why not? They've all gone to the pictures. Well, I just don't understand this modern passion for the cinema. Why, I haven't been to see a film since. Since. Since they raised the prices. Yeah. No. Anyway, I don't approve of young boys going to the pictures so much, that's all. Oh, come on, brat. Let me Go. Please, please. There's a smashing film at the local. Honest. Please, please. No, no, Archie, I'm sorry. Besides, you can see exactly the same film at home on television. I know, but who wants to wait 20 years? Come on, Bruff. Please, please. It's a smashing film, all about landing on the planet Mars. For the last time, Archie, you're not. Oh, the planet Mars, eh? That's it, bruv. Hmm. Are there rocket ships in it? Yes, yes, and ray guns and space helmets and strange creatures from another world and. All right, Archie, perhaps just this once, I'll let you go. Oh, thank you, Bruff, thank you. And Archie. Yes, Bruff? Do you mind if I come with you? Oh, Bruff, you villain, you. All right, come on, then, let's go. Well, Archie, I'm sorry that that cinema was full up, but here's a little cinema I've never even noticed before. And this one looks absolutely deserted. Well, no wonder. Look who's running it. And the next lady and gentlemen, if you please. Seats in all parts, absolutely no waiting. Cartoon newsreel trailers, food flash and mammoth stage presentation. Oh, yes, and a film. Well, Archie, shall we go in? No, not yet, Bruff. I'm enjoying listening to this. I said there are seats in all parts. Two feature films, 12 rounds of boxing, ice show, amateur talent contest, suits cleaned and pressed. Two, two, one and threes, please. Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Two, one and threes. And you're just in touch. Oh, no. Oh, not again. No. Queue it in all parts. Stand in the 12 and 9, keep out tens. Queuing, queuing. But there aren't any cues. Well, don't just stand there, start one. Now, just a minute, just a minute. Didn't you just say that there were seats in all parts? Sorry, sir, there isn't a seat in the house. Isn't it rather uncomfortable for your customers? Well, the kind of. Kind of customers we get don't know any better. They're used to sitting on the. Get back in line. I saw you trying to dodge to the front of the queue. But we're the only two here. That's no excuse. You should have come earlier. Look, are you sure there's no room? I just told you, the place is jammed to the doors and I'm the only one on duty today. Well, why aren't you inside? Well, it's lonely in there. I don't think you know anything about running a cinema at all. Oh, don't I? I'll have you know, young man, I was practically born in the Cinema? Oh, what was showing Ben Hur. It was during the chariot race. Archie, Archie, stop annoying the man when he's trying to do his job. Leave him alone. Oh, that's all right, sir. I know how excited these youngsters are when they come to my cinema. They just love to see my double features. What have you got? Two heads? Yes, I used the other one for banging against the wall. Flipping kid. Well, tell me, what are you showing today? Today? Oh, it's a wonderful picture, absolutely brand new and all. Yes, there's one terrific scene where the girl is stranded on the ice. You should hear me accompany it on the piano. I go mad, eh? On the piano? You mean it's a silent picture? Of course it is. You don't think I bother with them new fangled talkies, do you? Just a silly fad like the motor car. Yes, yes, I suppose you're right. Talking pictures will never replace the old fashioned horse, will they? Oh, you're so right. Nor will the motor car replace the back row in a cinema. I mean. Well, now, tell me, what have you got on besides the film? I hear you said something about a stage show, is that right? Oh, yes, a smashing stage show. Oh, we've got a comedian here this week. Laugh. Oh, dear. Oh, he's terrific. Really? Well, to see it, he is. And when does he go on? Just as soon as I can get round the back and change it to be funny. Out. Are you coming in or aren't you? The rest of the queue went in hours ago. All right then. Two, one and threes please. Graduate. Now. I'll just. Where's the boy? Where's he gone? I'm in here. It's a pay box. I'm just getting the tickets. I thought I'd save you the trouble. Oh, well, that's very nice of you. I. Just a minute. What have you got there in your hand? This is a roll of tickets. I'm tearing them in half for you. But wait. Put it down. Put it down at once. What's the matter? What's the matter? I might as well tear them all in half. After all, you'll have to do it sooner or later. But you can't put it down. I say. Why, that isn't a roll of tickets. That's the big picture. Oh, dear. Come on, Bruff, let's go over to the other cinema, quick. The audience is just coming out. No, come back. Oh, me entertainment. Me Lillian Gish, me business. Oh, flipping K. The Janice Sisters and the Headley Watts Trio are here to sing for you and the song we've chosen this week. I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you. You are the one I idolize. Nobody feels me like you do. You turn the gray skies into blue. For you always make my life worthwhile. With the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of, you are the one I idolize. Nobody thrills me like you do. You turn the gray skies into blue. Oh, you always make my life worthwhile? With the sunshine of your smile. I love the sunshine, sunshine of your smile. I love the laughter in your eyes. In every dream I dream of you, you are the one I. Nobody thrills me, thrills me like you do. You turn the gray skies into blue. For you always make my life worthwhile. With the sunshine, the beautiful sunshine. I love the sunshine of your smile. Poor little archie, battling against Dr. Hancock, alias Pippinhead. I certainly have my sympathy. Poor little Archie. That's enough. Stop. Hamlet talked to himself and look what happened to him. Good morning, Andrews. Eh? Good morning, sir. Nice day. Are you sleeping well? Rather. Good. I won't wake you up. Andrews, you are exceedingly jovial this morning. To a casual observer, all would appear to be well. But it isn't Nya, is it? Nya, over to you. I beg your pardon? Sid. Didn't you hear what I've just been saying? No. When you started mia, I went out for a haircut. Bossy lad. As I said before, something is in the wind. Oh, it'll be the gasworks. The gas works are three miles away. Well, I was only giving you an alibi. I can sense something is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't stand there with that. I've just laid an egg smile on your face. Well, sir, here's my homework. That question about the triangle is tricky, but. Eureka. I know what's different about this room. Your desk. It's gone. You see, trigonometry is very difficult, sir. Isn't it, Andrews? Where is your desk? My desk? Oh, my desk. Funny, I had it yesterday. If you don't tell me where it is, you will have had it again today. We had to get rid of it, sir. It was finished. You see, the inkwells were empty. That's what it was. And so you think you pulled a swift one, eh? No desk and no lessons. But you didn't reckon with Dr. Anthony Hancock. If you sold your desk, you can do your lessons sitting at idles. Where's my desk? Your desk, sir? Aren't you at it? You're doing your best to get me at it, aren't you? Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family. Cannolis and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the godfather@chopacasino.com test your luck on the shadowy world of the Godfather slot. Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather now@Champacasino.com Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law. 18 + terms and conditions apply. Time. Where's my desk? Oh, well, if that's the last time, let's talk about something else, shall we? Andrews. Andrews, where is it? I know it was here yesterday because I carved my name. I mean, it was right here. And I sat on this very. Where's my chair? The chair gone on my beautiful desk just when I was getting two nice grooves in it for my elbows. I bought you. I bought you an apple, sir. I don't want an apple. I want my desk, you termite. Hi, Lance. I want my desk back exactly where it was facing the picture of. Facing that blank wall. Blank wall. Or so it is. Well, I think I better go now, sir. I wanted on the telephone. The telephone is not ringing. Well, there's no sense in hanging around till he does, is there? Andrews? Since you will not tell me what has gone out of the room, I will check the inventory to see what we have left. But, sir, I've checked it. One pencil. One pencil. Don't anybody leave the room. There were two. What's happened? Andrews, you will write out for me a thousand times. I must not flog sir's belongings. Yes, I'd like to. That'll do. I'd like to flog sis. That'll do. Please. Grand Bruce. Now, I'm going to close my eyes and count 10. When I open my eyes, I want to see a difference. Here goes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. No difference. Aha. That's where you're wrong. The pencil's gone. The pencil? Oh, no. My favorite pencil. That's the one I used to go rack attack, tack against my teeth with. Well, now you'll have to get your head and go rack attack against the wall with that. Andrews. Andrews, where is my pencil? It can't just have walked off on its own. Why not? It was a self Propelling pencil. My boy, I'm coming to the end of my patience. Don't push me too hard. Why not? I'm against the window. I mean, if you don't return the pencil, I shall keep you in. And don't forget, I can keep you forever if I wish. Thanks for the offer. I accept. Hello, my dear Agatha, the belle of the ball. That's true. And I was certainly saved by the bell. But, Agatha. Agatha, look at this room. There is a baby. Empty. Well, Archie did mention it. He's making it into a gym. A gym? Well, Andrews, why didn't you tell me? I would have approved. Why? I'm all for bodybuilding. You should, for the Jerry built thing you've got. Andrews, my friend, was one of the finest bodybuilders in the country. Oh, yes, I heard about him. Made a wonderful job of Frankenstein. Oh, Agatha. Agatha, don't mock me about sport. You know that the great love of my life is wrestling. Where is she appearing tonight? At the boxing. Oh, no, Agatha, you misunderstand. I mean, I love wrestling. You know, I grab you by the neck like this. Then your left wrist, a quick jerk and. But don't just stand there. Pick me up. Oh, Anthony, that was wonderful. Let me show you one. Now, put both your arms around my waist. There we are. But that's not wrestling. Who cares? I mean to say, Agatha, what would happen if I showed that hole to my wrestling instructor? He'd be worried to death about you. Well, Agatha, if that's your idea of wrestling, I'm afraid you'd lose every time. Heaven. Heaven. I don't quite understand. How dense can you get? Do you have to be hit on the head with a brick, sir? I'm afraid he does, Archie. Oh, Agatha, if you don't mind, I'll answer any questions addressed to me. Right. All right, Anthony, there's no need to lose your temper. I'm not losing my temper, but I'm extremely sensitive to having my head pounded with the school's cornerstone. There you go again, talking about your aches and pains and bumps and bruises. Well, let me tell you, Anthony Hancock, the only bruises you have are where you've been sitting down too hard. And the only little bump you had are where you're pleased to call muscles. And the only lump you have is your shoulders. And the only use I can see for that is to keep your motorboard off your desk. And the only thing I've got to say to you is this. Take off this transiginaria, stuck my fingers in your face on Me? A trident. What does that mean? Don't forget tonight. Goodbye. Muslim muscle man, eh? You look more like a potty twin to me. Never mind what I look like to you. I'm still not satisfied about this empty room and that store. Excuse me. Mr. Bargrave's been in. You? No, I told you last week, he's gone to New York. Yes, then you told me he hadn't got a room here. But I found a room. And I'm the daughter at Mr. Bygrave's private. Keep up. No admittance. Danger. Get out of it. Get back. No parking. So what did you do? I went in. I know Mr. Bygraves. It was just a trick of his to keep people out. And what happened when you went in? I fell 20ft through a trap door. Oh, dear. Poor Mr. Marks. What was down in the trap? Oh, just another notice. It said I forgot to mention mind the step. He was a very thoughtful man. Mr. Bygrave's always thinking about women. Mr. Marks. Was that his room? Well, it was his stall room. You mean storeroom. No, everything in it had been stolen. By the way, Arch, did you ask Mr. Hancock about this room? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, he said we could use it. Right, O then. Come on, girl. Get in there. Go on, girl. Go on, get in, girl. What are you talking about? Not o, It's a horse. Don't get excited because it's about 60 years old and I don't want it to get frightened when it sees you. A horse in my classroom? Never. Never. I see it all now. The straw, the empty room. You want to make this into a stable? Oh, no, sir. No. You promised we could use it for a gym. That's right, a gymnasium. Ah, we meant a gym. Car. There. Come on. Here, stay here, Lee. Steady there, girl. Mind a man with a square hat on. Oh, no. Get it out of here. Get it out. Don't keep waving your arms around like a Tic Tac man. You'll have it racing. Oh, she's all right, isn't she, eh? Where did you find her, Mr. Marks? She was in Mr. Bargrave's storeroom on a shelf. Mark. Livestock. Oh, yes, the Nookman did owe him some money. Well, you can't keep it in here. Put it in the bathroom. Can't do that, mate. I got the chickens in there. Chickens in the bathroom? And I suppose you've got a few goats tied up in my bedroom? Not only one. I'll have to get rid of that when it's frightening the pigeons. Mind yourself. Nelly's trotting oh, all we want now is Gordon Richards. I'll have a look in the storeroom. Oh, there. Steady, Nelly. Nice horse, huh? Nice kind horse. Ho ho. Now don't jump about. It's eating me hair. Well, stand still. You got plenty of time before it gets to your head. Oh, she's trotting round again. Wall there, wall. Steady. Put Mr. Hancock down. This is too much. My hair. Look at it. Well, it's your own fault, sir. You shouldn't stand in front of it. Well, I didn't know. Go, Mr. Ancock. Yes, you shouldn't stand behind it either. I'm fed up with this. That horse would have kicked me down into the main street if it hadn't been for the fire escape. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. What do you mean? Just because Nellie ate some of your hair, there was no need for you to go round back and have a go at her tail. Well, how was I to know it was watching? Oh, Nell's a very, very shrewd nut. She's really very gentle. If you treat her right. Well, you are not going to treat her in here. In future, you will exercise her on the lawn and not in the classroom. Can't do that, Mr. Hancock. The lawn ain't big enough. There's more space on the lawn than in this classroom. There, isn't there? Why not? 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