Educating Archie xx-xx-xx Spilt Ink Beacon Lighters

Summary

---

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Educating Archie – "Spilt Ink" & "Beacon Lighters"
Date: January 21, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

---

Overview

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" features two comedic segments from the beloved British radio show Educating Archie. Infused with slapstick wit, quick banter, and classic British humor, the episode revolves first around a chaotic incident with spilled ink and attempts at cleaning—in true farcical style—followed by a satirical historical sketch on the mishaps of beacon lighters during an imagined invasion. The performances are lively, with memorable repartee between crotchety adults and mischievous children, capturing the spirit of a pre-television era when families gathered around the radio for entertainment.

---

Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Spilt Ink and the Study (00:30–07:00)

• The Messy Study

  • Peter Bruff discovers his study in disarray and tasks Archie with cleaning it, bantering about Archie's lack of diligence.
    • "Now look here, Archie, in return for your pocket money, you're supposed to tidy up my study." — Peter Bruff (00:51)

• The Spilled Ink Incident

  • Monica arrives with a large bottle of red ink, which promptly breaks and stains the floor.
    • "It's broken, and look, it's all over the floor!" — Monica (02:17)
    • The group jokes about the cat licking the ink and "having pink kittens."

• Red Ink Seepage: Comedy Escalates

  • The spilled ink seeps through the floor and appears on the ceiling downstairs, inciting panic.
    • "But let's just have a see, father. Oh, I say, look, the ceiling's bleeding." — Monica (03:03)
  • Haphazard solutions ensue: painting over the stain using makeshift means, leading to more chaos as paint ends up everywhere, including on people.

• Classic Physical Gags

  • Standing atop fragile pianos and card tables, paint brushes stuck to clothes, and general slapstick mishaps.
    • "From the back he looks like a Scotsman, from the front... All right, that'll do." — Peter Bruff, ribbing Archie after a paint accident (05:58)
  • The card table collapses, and Bruff ends up swinging from the chandelier (06:20).

• Memorable Musical Interlude

  • A tongue-in-cheek song about Bruff as a baby, poking fun at his childhood and character.
    • "He must have been a beautiful baby, good baby, look at him now..." — Monica & Peter Bruff (07:10)

---

2. Classroom Antics & Knitted Gifts (08:28–13:29)

• Archie's Dimness and Algebra Gags

  • Archie and Peter banter with the schoolmaster about algebra, demonstrating comic misunderstandings.
    • "If x equals 2 and y equals 4, what is x plus x?" — Archie Andrews
    • "Y is the answer. X plus X equals Y." — Peter Bruff (09:30)

• Knitted Gifts

  • Monica (as Agatha) presents hand-knitted items to the boys, causing confusion over which item is which and humorous complaints about their fit.
    • "Agatha, this balaclava is a bit small for me." — Archie Andrews (11:41)
    • "Oh, you've got the hole at the back. It's you, Vivian." — Monica, as they try to figure out how to wear a balaclava (12:09)
  • The segment builds to a farce about socks and feet, with everyone mortified by the thought of bare feet in public.

---

3. Horse Riding Fiasco (14:40–18:30)

• Mr. Miles and Nelly the Horse
  • Mr. Miles introduces Nelly, their unbroken horse. The gang attempts, disastrously, to get someone astride her.
    • "Now, a bit of fresh air wouldn't do you no harm, I reckon." — Mr. Miles (14:57)
    • Multiple failed and slapstick attempts at mounting, with Archie accidentally ending up on Mr. Miles' shoulders before properly sitting on the horse—though facing backward at first.
    • "You're supposed to be sitting on the horse, not on my shoulders." — Mr. Miles (15:46)
  • The group’s struggle with the horse leads to further chaos, with Archie ultimately taking an unintended ride, getting caught in a tree branch, and falling off.

---

4. "Beacon Lighters" — Satirical Historical Sketch (22:00–29:36)

• Setting the Scene

  • The family of beacon lighters is introduced as guardians against invasion, their task being to light a hilltop flame at the first sign of approaching enemies.
    • "At one period in our history, warnings of invasion were given by the lighting of hill beacons... this was a particularly responsible task." — Narrator (22:00)

• Endless Vigilance, Boredom, and Banter

  • The family’s boredom with their endless watch.
    • "Oh, I'm tired of looking out to see nothing but water. It never does anything else but go out and come in." — Monica (22:50)
  • Archie, as the inspector, quizzes Mr. Miles on their procedures, eliciting confused and hilarious explanations of how the beacons work.
    • "How long does it take for all the beacons to build it?"
    • "About three weeks if I run." — Mr. Miles (24:40)

• Emergency Procedures and British Ineptitude

  • Ship sighted! The family readies to light the beacon, but a cascade of mishaps prevents success:
    • Wet wood, misapplied rules, an inspector who only wants "a massive conflagration," and confusion over who should light what.
    • "Within 20 minutes of L Beacon 1 being lit, the news will have reached London." — Archie Andrews (26:54)
    • Despite repeated efforts, the invaders land, march past, and London is invaded—all while the beacon still won’t light.

• Blackout British Humor

  • The sketch concludes with a resigned joke: "My job depends on it, you know." — Archie, as the warning system utterly fails and Mr. Bruff offers toast over the finally-lit beacon (29:19).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Spilled Ink and Cleaning:

  • "If the cat sees it, she might lick it up and she might have pink kittens." — Monica (02:21)
  • "Yes, and if Bruff sees it, he will have pink kittens." — Peter Bruff (02:34)

• On British Bureaucracy (Beacon Lighters):

  • "How long does it take for all the beacons to build it?"
    "About three weeks if I run." — Mr. Miles (24:40)
  • "I take it indoors." — Mr. Miles, explaining how to light the beacon in the rain (25:52)

• Physical Comedy:

  • "Look at old Bruffy swinging from the chandelier." — Monica (06:23)
  • "If he was twins, he'd make a smashing pair of goal posts." — Peter Bruff (05:12)

• Meta-Humor:

  • "I live here."
    "Well, stop out then, you." — Archie Andrews & Peter Bruff, riffing on after-school detention (10:13)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Show proper begins: Archie tasked with cleaning the study
• 02:02 – Monica brings red ink, spills it
• 03:03 – "Ceiling's bleeding" gag; ink seeps below
• 04:38 – Attempted cleanup—series of farcical blunders
• 06:20 – Bruff swings from chandelier
• 07:10 – Musical number: “He must have been a beautiful baby”
• 08:58 – Schoolroom/algebra banter
• 11:11 – Presentation of knitted gifts
• 14:40 – Introduction of Nelly the horse
• 15:46 – Archie mistakenly mounts Mr. Miles; horse chaos
• 22:00 – "Beacon Lighters" sketch begins: family on watch for invasion
• 24:40 – "Three weeks if I run" — beacon relay gag
• 28:31 – Invaders land and march on London as family fumbles with beacon
• 29:19 – Post-invasion resignation: "Toast, anybody?"

---

Tone and Style

The episode is quintessentially British, blending wordplay, puns, and slapstick with understated sarcasm and affectionate ribbing. The playful jabs at bureaucracy and everyday mishaps are delivered with a light, jovial banter that feels warm and nostalgic, inviting listeners to both laugh at and relate to the characters’ misfortunes.

---

Conclusion

This episode beautifully encapsulates the fun, chaos, and charm of mid-20th-century British radio comedy. With its mix of domestic slapstick and historical parody, it’s a vivid window into the humor and camaraderie of a bygone era—where mistakes become adventures, and even the most disastrous misunderstanding can end in laughter and song.

---

Transcript

[Grainger Announcer]

If you're the purchasing manager at a manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted partner makes all the difference. That's why, hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering. With on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need at the start of their shift. And you can end your day knowing they've got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Peter Ruff and Archie Andrews in Educating Art.

[Peter Bruff]

Archie, Archie, come up to my study at once.

[Archie Andrews]

All right, Ralph, I'm coming.

[Peter Bruff]

Now look here, Archie, in return for your pocket money, you're supposed to tidy up my study.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, I do.

[Peter Bruff]

Then why is it that every time I look in here I see a frightful mess? It's a mirror facing the door. Now look, one of your jobs, my boy, is to keep this place clean. It's in a terrible state. Look at it, there's dirt and dust everywhere. Look at that rug. Now that to do with a thorough beating? It's just had one.

[Monica]

When?

[Peter Bruff]

Last Thursday, when it was stuck down my pants. Well, now, look, I'm going downstairs. You stay here and see. You get busy. And another thing, the outside of this door is covered with finger marks. Well, you can't blame me for that. I always kick it open.

[Monica]

That's it. All right.

[Commercial Announcer]

Goodbye.

[Peter Bruff]

I better get cracking. Oh, dear me. Work all day, work all night, Body all aching and wrecked with pain. Oh, dear.

[Monica]

Auntie, Auntie, here's a pattern for you.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, a big bottle of ring ink.

[Monica]

Here. Where did you get it? From my home mistress. You see, she gives us a black mark when we're bad and a red mark when we're good. She's got more red ink than she knows what to do with sorting.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, put it on the desk. Go on.

[Monica]

I can.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, monitor. It's broken. And look, it's all over the floor.

[Monica]

Not to worry, Archers. There's no money on the bottle. But I. I think we better mop it up. If the cat sees it, she might lick it up and she might have pink kittens.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, and if Bruff sees it, he will have pink kittens. Come on, let's go downstairs and get a mop, shall we?

[Monica]

All right, I think. Can I go down the vanish, sir?

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, all right, if you want to.

[Monica]

Right. Oh, Bite of. Told me you'd have the knob put back.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, now, here's a cupboard now for the mob.

[Archie Andrews]

Just a minute.

[Monica]

What's that door.

[Peter Bruff]

That.

[Monica]

Oh, that are nouns.

[Peter Bruff]

It's just been redecorated. It's rickly under old rough study.

[Monica]

But let's just have a see, father. Oh, I say, look, the ceiling's bleeding.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, Monica, don't be silly.

[Monica]

It's that ink.

[Peter Bruff]

It came through the floor. Oh, dear. Bruff will see red.

[Monica]

Of course he will. It's red ink. But don't panic, Archie. We can sort of paint it over.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, yes, so we could. You know, the decorators were here yesterday and they left this paint. Tell me, is it the right color?

[Monica]

Yes, off white. Phew. Smells it too.

[Peter Bruff]

But monagina, we haven't got a ladder. How can we paint on the ceiling?

[Monica]

Well, same way we got the ink on the ceiling. Go back upstairs and pour it down to the floorboard.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, Monica, be sensible. Look, the grand piano's right under the stage.

[Monica]

Well, I could stand on it, couldn't I?

[Peter Bruff]

You mustn't scratch it, you know. Put your hanky on the piano to protect it from issues.

[Monica]

Yes, all right. First of all, I'll put some paper on on the piano to protect it from my hanky. Help me out. I'll step on this bit first. I paid this notch. No hands.

[Peter Bruff]

But what's the matter now?

[Monica]

I left the brush down the other end.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, here it is. And here's the paint. Now turn on the top and start painting.

[Monica]

I hope. Hey, this is too much, that hard work. I've got a better idea. I hold the brush to the ceiling and you push the piano up and down. All right.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, Monica, go on, get on with it. Truffle be back.

[Monica]

Do be quick.

[Peter Bruff]

Come on, hurry up.

[Monica]

Oh, sorry. I tripped over a black one. Then get a move on. Well, don't stand there criticizing. Why don't you come up and accompany me on the piano? You could at least hold the paint.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, you don't want me for that. Lean over and stand it on top of the door. Go on. It's halfway open.

[Monica]

All right. I hope it's safe.

[Archie Andrews]

Hello, Archie. Monica.

[Monica]

Oh. Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, you wicked children.

[Monica]

He smothered in white taste.

[Peter Bruff]

Look at him. If he was twins, he'd make a smashing pair of golf posts.

[Mr. Miles]

Don't stand there, you two.

[Peter Bruff]

Find me something to wipe this paint off with.

[Monica]

What about using this rug?

[Peter Bruff]

Well, that won't get it off, I.

[Monica]

Know, but it'll give you a lovely matte finish.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, you naughty children.

[Peter Bruff]

What were you doing anyway? Well, we were only trying to paint out that stain in the ceiling. But it's still Showing Archie. Oh, well, now that I'm dirty, I.

[Archie Andrews]

May as well finish the job.

[Peter Bruff]

I suppose I'll get that stain out somehow.

[Monica]

Here's the paint.

[Peter Bruff]

There's not much left.

[Monica]

Well, never mind. If you run out, you can always dip the brush in your pocket.

[Peter Bruff]

Where's the brush? It's right behind you. I can't see it. No, I don't suppose you can. It was on the chair where you were sitting.

[Monica]

I see it. Look at that brush. It's stuck on him like a sporum.

[Peter Bruff]

Yes, from the back he looks like a Scotsman from the front. All right, that'll do. Now, just you keep still while I get up on this card table and try and put this right. Monica, don't you think we ought to tell him that the card table's not fixed up properly? No.

[Monica]

He'Ll be all right, Archer, as long as he keeps a good grip on the brush. Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh.

[Monica]

Oh. Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Look at old Bruff20 swinging from the chandelier.

[Monica]

Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, well, look what's happened now.

[Monica]

Well, you certainly removed the stain. Now, let's see you put the ceiling back.

[Archie Andrews]

You young villains.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, I'm going to have a bath and get drunk cleaned up.

[Commercial Announcer]

Goodbye.

[Peter Bruff]

Poor old Bruff. He's not to bed.

[Monica]

Really, Monica, if you like that sort of thing. Here.

[Peter Bruff]

I wonder what he was like when he was young. Oh, he must have been a beautiful baby. He must have been a wonderful child.

[Monica]

When he was only starting to go to kindergarten I bet he drove the.

[Peter Bruff]

Little girl the wild and when it came to winning blue ribbon he must have shown the other kids how I.

[Monica]

Can see the judge's eye that they handed him the prize. I bet he made the cutest bow.

[Peter Bruff]

He must have been a beautiful baby Good baby. Look at him now, dear Monica. Listen to this, Monica. He must have been a horrible baby.

[Monica]

He must have been a terrible brat.

[Peter Bruff]

They must have found it trying when he started crying and found he had two voices both flesh I'm sure he.

[Monica]

Was the pet of the teacher I'm positive she thought him unique I could see her sparkling eyes as she handed him the prize because he was the biggest freak. Oh, he must have been a peculiar.

[Peter Bruff]

Baby Cuz baby, look at him now.

[Archie Andrews]

I may be dim but your lights gone out altogether. Larry.

[Monica]

Hello.

[Archie Andrews]

Where's laddie laddy? I may be dim but your lights gone out altogether. He's not here yet.

[Peter Bruff]

Ah, well, another day. Poor old Dr. Secum he means well, you know but he's so dim.

[Archie Andrews]

I may be dim but your light's gone out altogether. I thought I'd missed it for a minute.

[Peter Bruff]

Good morning, sir.

[Archie Andrews]

Good morning, lady. And what better to begin class than algebra?

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, I hate algebra.

[Archie Andrews]

Why, what's he done to you? What's he done? I will speak of you, gay mad thing, you.

[Peter Bruff]

Shall we get on with the lesson?

[Archie Andrews]

As you will. Algebra. Now, I write of the board X. Now, what does that mean to you?

[Peter Bruff]

Nothing. I've already got your autograph.

[Archie Andrews]

Easy, laddie. The master wants your attention, not your old buck. Now, if x equals 2 and y equals 4, what is x plus x?

[Peter Bruff]

Why?

[Archie Andrews]

Because I want to know, that's why.

[Peter Bruff]

Y is the answer. X plus plus X equals Y.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, it does. By Jod's got his head screwed on left hand thread. All in jocular vein, Ladd.

[Peter Bruff]

Don't apologize, sir. It's a good joke. It's better than the one about the ink pellet.

[Archie Andrews]

The ink pellet? I don't know that one.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, well, it doesn't matter, then.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, no, no. Come on, let's have it.

[Monica]

Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Gosh, you're quick, sir. You got it right away.

[Archie Andrews]

Don't stand there, laddie. Pass me something to wipe this ink off my face.

[Peter Bruff]

Here you are, sir.

[Archie Andrews]

Ooh, that's better. Just for that, you'll stop in after school.

[Peter Bruff]

I live here.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, stop out then, You.

[Peter Bruff]

Steady on. What is it now, sir?

[Archie Andrews]

The joke has come back on you, laddie. Look at the ink on your handkerchief.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, that's not my handkerchief.

[Archie Andrews]

Isn't it?

[Peter Bruff]

No, it's the end of your shirt.

[Archie Andrews]

My shirt? Oh, laddie, close your eyes while I tuck it in again.

[Peter Bruff]

Okay.

[Archie Andrews]

Ooh, that cone.

[Narrator]

All right.

[Archie Andrews]

Now listen to me. Heart of oak. One more clever move like that and the lesson will be carpentry.

[Monica]

Hello, boys.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, hello, Miss Single.

[Monica]

Here, what have you got there? Hello, Agatha.

[Archie Andrews]

What have you got there?

[Peter Bruff]

I just said that.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, don't be nosy.

[Monica]

Well, I've got a big surprise for you both. Oh, good. No, no, no.

[Archie Andrews]

Get behind me, laddie. Master's purse.

[Monica]

I've knitted you both a few things to keep you warm.

[Archie Andrews]

Agatha, I'm terribly touched.

[Peter Bruff]

I always said he was a bit touched.

[Archie Andrews]

Hush, laddy. This is a beautiful moment. Agatha's are laden with gifts from afar. Gifts to cloak our shoulders and protect us from the Bitter Wine.

[Monica]

Act 3.

[Archie Andrews]

My Heart Goes out to you, Agatha. You see, this is the first present I've ever received from anybody.

[Peter Bruff]

What about your parents?

[Archie Andrews]

They weren't a present. They were there all the time.

[Monica]

Well, here you are. I hope they fit.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, thank you. Good.

[Archie Andrews]

Agatha, this banner, Carver Harrim, is a bit small for me.

[Monica]

Oh, Harold, that's Archie. Pullover height.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, I wondered why there wasn't a hole in the front.

[Monica]

Oh, dear. Now where's Archie gone?

[Peter Bruff]

Archie, where are you?

[Archie Andrews]

I'm here.

[Monica]

Well, come out. That's Harold. Balaclava.

[Archie Andrews]

Come here, laddie. Let's try it on now.

[Monica]

I don't know.

[Archie Andrews]

It fits me. But shouldn't there be a hole for my face to stick out?

[Monica]

Oh, you've got the hole at the back. It's your Vivian. No, I'm. Second thought, it's better as it is. Oh.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, this puller was a bit tight on me.

[Monica]

It was all right when I met. Oh, look, you're standing in one of the sleeves.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, Agatha, thank you. I shall wear this balaclava until the weather gets warmer.

[Peter Bruff]

And when summer comes, there'll be a white circle on his face where he's washed.

[Monica]

Now, let me see. Are you all right for socks?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yes, I've got three socks. Oh, yes, I'm all right there.

[Monica]

Agatha.

[Archie Andrews]

If one of my socks goes, I've got a replacement.

[Monica]

Harold, let me see your socks.

[Archie Andrews]

I guess I see my socks. What would the neighbors think?

[Peter Bruff]

Come on, sir, up in your boots.

[Archie Andrews]

No, laddie. Oh, Agatha.

[Monica]

Oh, stop it. As I thought, bare feet. Where are your socks?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, it's rather chilly, Agatha. I. I pulled them up to cover my knees.

[Monica]

Oh, dear. I better miss you some. Put your boots on again.

[Mr. Miles]

Thank you.

[Archie Andrews]

I'm not accustomed to waving my naked feet in public.

[Monica]

Oh, I just realize I've never seen your feet before.

[Archie Andrews]

Agatha. Oh, Agatha. Oh, stop fondling my toes. Agatha, please.

[Peter Bruff]

I think I'd better leave. Ah, well, that's better. First time I ever saw a foot flush.

[Mr. Miles]

Morning, Archie.

[Commercial Announcer]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now. You call it an early present for next year.

[Peter Bruff]

What do you have to lose?

[Commercial Announcer]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time.

[Peter Bruff]

50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required. $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy. See terms.

[Dale]

I'm here on the job site with Dale, who's a framing contractor.

[Archie Andrews]

Hey, good morning, Dale.

[Dale]

Traded up to geico Commercial Auto Insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most.

[Mr. Miles]

Yep, they sure are.

[Dale]

We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs, all in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down.

[Archie Andrews]

It's all right.

[Dale]

We're so far up here.

[Monica]

Look at me.

[Archie Andrews]

Take a deep breath.

[Dale]

I'm good.

[Monica]

So good.

[Archie Andrews]

Get a Commercial Auto Insurance quote [e-mail].

[Peter Bruff]

And see how much you could save.

[Archie Andrews]

It feels Good.

[Peter Bruff]

To Geico.

[Monica]

Ah, Mr. Miles. Well, Hello, Mr. Miles.

[Peter Bruff]

How's Nelly, the horse?

[Mr. Miles]

Oh, she's rearing to go. I put her in the shed last night. And she must have slept well, because this morning she's been galloping around the lawn.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, that's not clever, what with a.

[Mr. Miles]

Shed on her back. I bet you couldn't do it. Come on now, Master Hachi. I'll bring her out now.

[Monica]

Oh, good. Come on, then.

[Archie Andrews]

There you go.

[Mr. Miles]

Come on. Come on, Nelly, oldie. Now, a bit of fresh air wouldn't do you no harm, I reckon.

[Archie Andrews]

Come on.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, she's settled too, dear. Are you going to ride her?

[Mr. Miles]

Oh, no, I can't ride her. She hasn't been broken in yet. The first man who gets a stride her will be lucky to finish up in one piece.

[Archie Andrews]

Good Morning, Tinker.

[Mr. Miles]

Morning, Dr. Seecombe. Nellie's all ready for you.

[Archie Andrews]

Thank you.

[Peter Bruff]

But Mr. Miles.

[Mr. Miles]

Oh, somebody's got to go first.

[Archie Andrews]

I just want to sit in the saddle for a short time.

[Peter Bruff]

You know.

[Mr. Miles]

You won't be sitting there for long.

[Peter Bruff]

Come on, sir.

[Commercial Announcer]

On you get.

[Archie Andrews]

All right. Could you get Nelly to kneel?

[Mr. Miles]

No, no, I'll get you on.

[Commercial Announcer]

And now.

[Mr. Miles]

Now put your left foot in my hand. Come on.

[Archie Andrews]

Like this.

[Mr. Miles]

That's right.

[Archie Andrews]

Now spit it. I'm on here.

[Mr. Miles]

Dang me. You're supposed to be sitting on the horse, not on my shoulders.

[Archie Andrews]

Silly of me. I wondered why the horse was two. Yes.

[Mr. Miles]

Get off me.

[Archie Andrews]

Here. Come on. Get off me.

[Mr. Miles]

Dr. Secum, she's offering me a saddle right now.

[Archie Andrews]

This time, sir.

[Peter Bruff]

Up you get.

[Mr. Miles]

Left foot in my hands.

[Archie Andrews]

Now. Come on, Pop. There we are. How do I look?

[Mr. Miles]

Like a tom sitting on a roundabee.

[Archie Andrews]

Come on, Nellie, old girl. Get your head up, Nelly. Head up and be proud.

[Peter Bruff]

She's got her head up. You're facing the wrong end.

[Archie Andrews]

Facing the bus. Oh, the tail, eh? I was going to say. Get your hair cut. Steady, Daddy.

[Monica]

Steady, Daddy. Oh.

[Mr. Miles]

All right. Once more, then. Left foot in my hand, you'll Wear.

[Peter Bruff]

Your hands out at this rate?

[Monica]

No, they.

[Archie Andrews]

Right.

[Monica]

At last.

[Archie Andrews]

Now. How's that?

[Peter Bruff]

Wonderful. You look like part of the horse.

[Archie Andrews]

Which part?

[Mr. Miles]

Back or front?

[Archie Andrews]

Look out, Captain. Nelly moves him.

[Mr. Miles]

Oh, you're all right now. She won't start off unless you gives her a slap on her rump.

[Peter Bruff]

What, like this?

[Archie Andrews]

Teddy. Nelly.

[Mr. Miles]

Steady. Careful, master Hay. Let Dr. Teacum get the feel of her first.

[Archie Andrews]

I just want to sit here for a while, that's all I do.

[Mr. Miles]

Of course you do. In any case, slap like that will do no more than tickle her.

[Archie Andrews]

Wouldn't he?

[Peter Bruff]

No.

[Mr. Miles]

This is how you want to stop her? I only hope they come back together.

[Monica]

I can't hold them much longer.

[Peter Bruff]

They gone round again.

[Mr. Miles]

I wonder she don't topple over with him sitting on her head like that.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, here they come again.

[Monica]

Where's the.

[Peter Bruff]

You know, if Nelly decides to get up by this tree.

[Archie Andrews]

If you're coming back this way, lad.

[Monica]

What?

[Mr. Miles]

Well, keep your head down, otherwise you'll be.

[Monica]

Oh.

[Archie Andrews]

Get me a ladder.

[Peter Bruff]

We told you to watch out for that branch. We shouted.

[Archie Andrews]

I didn't hear you.

[Mr. Miles]

Ah, but old Nelly did, bless her heart. Nelly Sharp. I saw her close one of her eyes and aim him at that frog.

[Monica]

You.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, he's here again. Well, at least I'm safe on this branch.

[Monica]

The branches.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, Neddy.

[Peter Bruff]

Get to the well, look at that. He landed straight in the saddle.

[Mr. Miles]

When they come around again, there won't be no branch to catch him. That's the only thing.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, that's true. And here they are now.

[Archie Andrews]

Look. See, I've got a propping now. Horseman.

[Peter Bruff]

Ship.

[Monica]

What?

[Mr. Miles]

You watch it. It's just at the brown.

[Monica]

She's gone.

[Mr. Miles]

She's studying out what to do next.

[Peter Bruff]

It's a good job she hasn't seen the pond.

[Archie Andrews]

The pond?

[Mr. Miles]

The pond just behind the tree there.

[Archie Andrews]

Pond water.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, let's go and see what's happened.

[Mr. Miles]

What's the matter, Dr. Te?

[Archie Andrews]

I stopped suddenly and Nelly went in.

[Monica]

Sam. Sa. Sam. It. Sam.

[Narrator]

At one period in our history, warnings of invasion were given by the lightning of hill beacons. This was a particularly responsible task and one family of beacon lighters took their job explaining extremely seriously. Father up on the hill, standing by his beacon with his flint at the ready while his wife and son kept watch from the shore.

[Archie Andrews]

Dean Hamilton.

[Monica]

Yep.

[Peter Bruff]

Not yet.

[Narrator]

And 15 minutes later.

[Mr. Miles]

Teen Huntington.

[Monica]

Yes.

[Peter Bruff]

Not yet.

[Narrator]

And 15 minutes later.

[Monica]

Pointed.

[Archie Andrews]

Hannah.

[Monica]

Turn. No, I wouldn't care. But it's been like this for 12 years.

[Mr. Miles]

Kathleen.

[Monica]

Yes.

[Archie Andrews]

Watch it now.

[Mr. Miles]

You looked away Just that.

[Monica]

Oh, I'm tired of looking out to see nothing but water. It never does anything else but go out and come in.

[Peter Bruff]

But we are very important people, Mother. If any invaders come, dad will be the first man to warn England.

[Monica]

Oh, why did I marry a beacon lighter? How can we see anything? We're looking out here all day.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yeah?

[Peter Bruff]

Look, Mother, a horseman yelling towards you.

[Archie Andrews]

Wishing the way of the coast.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, this is the coast.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, yes, a likely story. Get up.

[Monica]

Galloping into the sea.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, he's coming back. Now.

[Archie Andrews]

I must learn to trust people.

[Monica]

Who are you?

[Archie Andrews]

I'm an inspector of beacons. Dad, I can hear him. Good day, sir.

[Mr. Miles]

I'm number one beacon lighter.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, as you realize, you have a great responsibility. I know. I used to be beacon ladder myself. Number 12, Irgate Hill.

[Monica]

Oh, in London. Did you ever have to light it?

[Archie Andrews]

Once. By a grand blaze, too. Best part of London went up. Beacon lighter number one. What are your duties?

[Monica]

Ishaan't seen anything yet.

[Mr. Miles]

Quiet, Kathleen.

[Peter Bruff]

My duty, sir, is that sign.

[Monica]

That's right.

[Mr. Miles]

At the first sign of invasion, I lights the whole beacon.

[Peter Bruff]

Right.

[Archie Andrews]

And how does this give warning?

[Mr. Miles]

Six mile away, another beacon is alighted, and then another one, and so on and so on until all 12 beacons from here to London is alighted.

[Peter Bruff]

Right.

[Archie Andrews]

And how long does it take for all the beacons to build it?

[Mr. Miles]

About three weeks if I run.

[Peter Bruff]

No, dad. You only like this beacon. Another man likes number two and so on.

[Mr. Miles]

Oh, I was looking forward to a trip to London.

[Archie Andrews]

It's a good job I came. I can see that, Luke. All you have to do is light the fire and make sure they see it on the next bill.

[Mr. Miles]

Well, I can wheel it across in the barracks.

[Monica]

Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Inspector. You want a massive conflagration.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, no. It says here the regulations. You're right. This is a massive conflagration.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, what about the beacon?

[Archie Andrews]

Well, life that as well. Be on the safe side.

[Mr. Miles]

All hard boy. There's only three of us, you know. And I'm a wonder. Now we're gonna make up a massive congregation.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, never mind that, lad. The main thing is that your beacon is ready and you are conversant with a lighting of fame in Curse of Emergency.

[Monica]

Oh, yes, Welford's very conversant. They used to practice lighting the beacon in the pouring rain.

[Archie Andrews]

I'll bet that's tricky.

[Peter Bruff]

Oh, no, no.

[Mr. Miles]

The beacon lights easier when it's raining.

[Archie Andrews]

You know why?

[Mr. Miles]

I take it indoors.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, indoors, eh? Well, I'm glad to see a man keen on his job. By the way, where is your house?

[Monica]

We're looking for one, dad.

[Archie Andrews]

Look.

[Narrator]

And there, out at sea, they saw long wooden objects with blankets fastened to tall upright poles. They had a hurried conference and reached a conclusion.

[Archie Andrews]

We're ships, ships, ships.

[Mr. Miles]

Here, where's my tinderbox?

[Monica]

No, no, no.

[Archie Andrews]

Don't light the beacon yet. They may be our ships. Go and stand by with flint and tinder at the ready.

[Mr. Miles]

Right. To Athens.

[Monica]

Oh, I'm so excited. The first isle of life for 12 years.

[Archie Andrews]

This may be a big moment in history. If they're enemies, I shall give the signal and beacon after beacon will give warren of their approach.

[Monica]

Bah.

[Archie Andrews]

You can keep all your telephones and I like it. Now, sir.

[Monica]

No, no, no.

[Archie Andrews]

They may be friendly. I'll tell you when.

[Monica]

When.

[Peter Bruff]

They'Re firing in us. Come on, up the hill.

[Archie Andrews]

Don't panic. Within 20 minutes of L Beacon 1 being lit, the news will have reached London.

[Monica]

If they fire again, I'll be there first.

[Narrator]

And on the hill, number one beacon lighter was already at work.

[Archie Andrews]

Hurry up with this beacon.

[Mr. Miles]

Be all right in a minute or two. I just saw a little bit of red.

[Archie Andrews]

No, Deo. The beacon should be an inferno now. And number four should already be functioning.

[Mr. Miles]

I can't do any better.

[Archie Andrews]

I blow the pile over. Quite. Where's Bill? I'll ride on to be number two and tell him to light up.

[Monica]

Come on, get up here.

[Peter Bruff]

Try your flint and tinder again. There.

[Monica]

Go on.

[Mr. Miles]

Here, mate, don't you start in fight until I get my pilot.

[Narrator]

But nearer and nearer came the invaders. And still the beacon resisted all attempts to light it. Half an hour later.

[Monica]

Oh, Mr. Insect, it's not. But you go to light his beacon.

[Archie Andrews]

He says can he borrow your timber?

[Mr. Miles]

No, you can't. Not yet. Wait till I get my fire going, then he can owe it.

[Monica]

And look, dad, they've landed.

[Peter Bruff]

They're running up the beach.

[Monica]

Oh, I pretend I'm waving to them and I can stand the fire at the same time.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, can't you get some dry wood from somewhere?

[Mr. Miles]

I'm trying to light this fire so's I can dry some in.

[Archie Andrews]

Are you?

[Narrator]

On and on came the invaders, skirting the hill as they marched on to London, taking everybody by surprise. While on the hill.

[Peter Bruff]

They're out of sight now.

[Archie Andrews]

They'll be halfway to London by now. And look, another lock coming into land.

[Monica]

Excuse me, if one of you soldiers got a knife?

[Archie Andrews]

No, my system of communication all gone to punk.

[Peter Bruff]

Well, it looks more as a landing.

[Archie Andrews]

O hang on till we get this fire going. My job depends on it, you know.

[Narrator]

52 ships unloaded their cargo of invaders. They all marched on to London and once again all was peace and calm.

[Archie Andrews]

I got it.

[Dale]

It's going.

[Archie Andrews]

It's life. They'll be in London now. It's too bloomin late. They'll be fighting in the streets of London and no warning. Our beacons will be redundant. What can we do?

[Peter Bruff]

Toast anybody?

[Narrator]

That was peter bruff and archie andrews in educating artists with bernard miles and nelly, harry seacomb, beryl reed, hattie jake, peter madden, ronald chesney and the BBC review orchestra conducted by harry rabinov.