Fall of the Mausoleum Club (BBC) 88-10-01 (05) The T Machine

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Fall of the Mausoleum Club (BBC) – "The T Machine"

Date: August 17, 2025
Episode Originally Aired: 1988-10-01 (Episode 5)
Writers: James Henry & Ian Brown
Starring: Roy Kinnear, Patrick Allen, et al.

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode, "The T Machine", is a comically convoluted, tongue-in-cheek time travel adventure set among the eccentric members of the fictional Mausoleum Club. The protagonist, Mr. Tilly, is tasked with eliminating the dangerous Dr. Julius Venn, only to find himself swept into a future dystopia via a bizarre "tea machine"—a device with time-altering powers. The show is a witty, satirical homage to Victorian adventure tales, filled with absurd logic, paradoxes, and rapid-fire banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Breakdown

1. Mausoleum Club Machinations (00:17 – 03:09)

• Club members are gathered, eager to hear reports of their missions against five targets, especially the fate of Dr. Julius Venn.
• Mr. Tilly's social status as a tailor is mocked, hinting at the club's class snobbery.
• The Club’s tradition is debated:
  • "It's our proudest tradition that this club should have but two conditions of membership." – Bertie (00:53)
• Club intrigue turns serious when threats of exposure and arrest are made.

2. Tilly’s Mission Preparations & The Bait (03:09 – 06:17)

• Tilly recounts his anxiety over his mission and his failed attempts to find Dr. Venn, leading to comic exchanges over breakfast with his landlady Mrs. Boyle.
• He receives a note summoning him to measure Dr. Venn for a suit, suspecting a trap.

3. Entering Dr. Venn’s Domain—And the Tea Machine (06:17 – 12:38)

• Tilly arrives at Dr. Venn's peculiar home, filled with strange inventions.
• The atmosphere quickly grows tense as Dr. Venn reveals he knows Tilly’s intentions:
  • "You seem a little nervous. One would think you were measuring me for my coffin." – Dr. Venn (06:56)
  • "I know full well of your grisly intent." – Dr. Venn (07:43)
• Instead of violence, Dr. Venn lures Tilly to see his T(ea) Machine, which turns out to be a time machine disguised as a tea dispenser.
• "At this point, it became clear that the tea machine was not a device for the dispensing of drinks at all ... but for projecting a traveller body and soul, forward into posterity." – Mr. Tilly (12:38)

4. Tilly’s Journey to the Future (12:38 – 16:50)

• Tilly finds himself in a strange, grotesque future London:
  • Galleries of metallic statues, automotive promenades, crime-ridden parks.
• He meets Bertie and Honesty, revealed to be his grandchildren, who rescue him and explain that Dr. Venn has been manipulating history for his gain via the T Machine.
  • "Most of the marvels you see around you today were developed from his inventions. But as our mother explained to us ... the true foundation for Venn's success was his ability to travel in time." – Honesty (18:02)
• They explain the stakes: Dr. Venn's time travel has led to the murder of geniuses like Marconi in order to steal their innovations.

5. Mission in the Future — The Plan to Kill Venn (16:50 – 21:28)

• Tilly is assigned (again) to assassinate Venn at a ballet performance.
• Chaos ensues: Tilly is captured, facing an elaborate execution—being dipped into copper to become another statue.
  • "Now, Mr. Tilly, it is my turn to fit you for a suit, eh? A suit which will last you the rest of your..." – Dr. Venn (21:49)

6. Rescue, Paradox, and the Endless Chase (21:28 – 26:34)

• Tilly is dramatically rescued by his grandchildren, who urge him to finish the mission.
• He flees and confronts multiple versions of Dr. Venn, each from different time points.
  • "We all... I am Julius Venn from five minutes into the future. I am Julius Venn from fifteen minutes into the future." – The Venns (24:25)
• Paradox erupts when the existence of so many Venns proves Tilly’s failure—until they all begin to fade, suggesting otherwise.

7. Climax and Resolution (26:34 – 30:12)

• Dr. Venn sets the machine to revisit the moment when he first met Tilly, intent on "resetting" events—only to trip and die on his own loose floorboard.
  • "So hastily had he run from the arch that he tripped headlong on a board sticking out ... and broken his scientific neck." – Narrator (27:08)
• Tilly cleverly destroys the tea machine and returns to the present.
• At the club, Tilly is met with skepticism and time-travel paradoxes, as his presence in both future and present is debated.
  • "If you destroyed the machine, how on earth would it exist in the future? That your future self may affect his return to the present?" – Club Member 1 (29:42)
  • "It's best not to think about it." – Tilly (30:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Club tradition & social status:
  "Then the club's tradition should be retailored." – Club Member 1 (01:03)
  "To fit the tie." – Mr. Tilly (01:06)

• The “tea machine” pun revealed:
  "The tea machine ... was nothing less than a contrivance for projecting a traveller body and soul, forward into posterity." – Mr. Tilly (12:38)

• On time travel paradoxes & legacy:
  "Don't you see, Timmy? The very fact that we exist—five minutes, 15 minutes, and 40 years into the future—proves that your mission to destroy me will end in failure." – Dr. Julius Venn (25:10)

• The comic anticlimax:
  "He tripped headlong on a board sticking out ... and broken his scientific neck." – Narrator (27:08)

• Closing echo of time-travel comedy:
  "It's best not to think about it." – Tilly (30:03)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Summary | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:17 | Mausoleum Club members discuss their sinister tasks | | 03:09 | Tilly recounts plans to destroy Dr. Venn | | 06:17 | Tilly enters Venn's odd home | | 08:01 | Venn confronts Tilly about assassination attempt | | 10:03 | The tea machine revealed | | 12:38 | Tilly realizes he’s traveled to the future | | 16:00 | Tilly meets his grandchildren in the dystopian future | | 17:34 | Explanation of Venn’s abuse of the T Machine | | 21:49 | Tilly’s execution by electroplating | | 24:25 | Multiple Venns appear, time paradoxes accelerate | | 27:08 | Venn’s accidental death | | 29:03 | Tilly eradicates the tea machine | | 29:42 | Paradox discussion with club members | | 30:03 | Tilly: "It's best not to think about it." |

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Tone & Style Notes

• The episode is written in a dry, British wit, heavy on puns, wordplay, and absurdist logic.
• Characters speak with mock formality, rapid banter, and over-the-top dramatic flair, often undercutting seriousness with clever asides and comic self-awareness.
• Self-referential humor abounds, especially with time travel paradoxes and the narrative's circular structure.

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Summary for Listeners

"The T Machine" is a delightful, farcical yarn set within the hallowed (and hilariously stuffy) halls of the Mausoleum Club. Mr. Tilly’s mission to assassinate the nefarious Dr. Venn becomes a wild ride through a dystopian future, featuring a time-traveling ‘tea machine’, eccentric descendants, and paradox-laden showdowns. The episode skewers both Victorian adventure stories and sci-fi logic, delivering an audio adventure that’s brisk, witty, and full of surprises. Even as its conclusion ties itself in paradoxical knots, the show’s answer is succinct: 'It's best not to think about it.'"

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End of summary.

Transcript

[Narrator]

How do you make an Airbnb? A vrbo. Picture a vacation rental with a host who's showing you every room like you've never seen a house before. Now get rid of them. There you go. No host ever. Now, it's a vrbo. Make it a vrbo.

[Mr. Tilly]

More savories, gentlemen?

[Club Member 1]

Yes, filch. And bring a board of toasted fowls.

[Mr. Tilly]

You're very good, sir.

[Club Member 1]

Ah, this is no time for breads. The sparrows are stirring all over St. James's there is very little time and two reports yet to deliver. Which of you was sent to destroy Dr. Julius Venn? He was the most dangerous of the five, and I'm most keen to hear of his demise. What?

[Mr. Tilly]

Nothing to do with it.

[Club Member 1]

Well, it was Mr. Tilly.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, he's late.

[Club Member 1]

You surprise me. Well, if we persist in allowing common.

[Mr. Tilly]

Tailors to join us.

[Bertie]

But it's our proudest tradition that this club should have but two conditions of membership.

[Mr. Tilly]

And Tilly, although he be common tailor.

[Bertie]

Fulfils them both admirably.

[Club Member 1]

Then the club's tradition should be retailored.

[Mr. Tilly]

To fit the tie.

[Bertie]

Ah, but how can you.

[Club Member 1]

These petty squabbles about your club's administration are diverting. But given Mr. Tilly's absence. Purely academic.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

What do you mean?

[Club Member 1]

You agreed you would fulfill my five commissions and in return, the dossier of your indiscretions would not be sent to Inspector Cadbury of Scotland Yard. Since you have failed to keep your side of the bargain, it's a Newgate jig for you all now. Well, gentlemen. Ladies. Seize him.

[Mr. Tilly]

Don't let him get away.

[Club Member 1]

If you were thinking of impeding my passage in any way, don't forget I still have this. You are very wise. Goodbye, Great Powers.

[Mr. Tilly]

Hello, Tilly. Not late, am I?

[Narrator/Announcer]

The Fall of the Mausoleum Club Written by James Henry and Ian Brown Starring Roy Kinnear and Patrick Allen Episode 5 the Tea Machine.

[Club Member 1]

Well, gentlemen, I think you may resume your seats for the time being.

[Bertie]

Tilly, will you not sit down?

[Mr. Tilly]

I don't think I can actually. At all. Now, trousers made of metal. Oh, they're not trousers.

[Club Member 1]

Hurry up. Mr. Tilly's sartorial taste has no bearing on the report he must now deliver.

[Mr. Tilly]

On the contrary, sir, its bearing could not be heavier.

[Club Member 1]

Then speak up and stop wasting time.

[Mr. Tilly]

Time. How ironic. But you'll learn why soon enough. A year ago, sir, you sent me the task of destroying A noted mathematician, Dr. Julius Venn. And as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I considered how best to seek out Dr. Venn and dispatch him.

[Club Member 1]

Surely I gave you his address. Did you not visit his house?

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh yes, but he was out. Anyway, time passed and as the day set aside for this meeting drew inexorably closer, my apprehension at not fulfilling my mission turned to something like anxiety until the moment for action could be put off no longer. So it was yesterday morning. Yesterday morning at my bachelor lodgings in Kensal Rise, I resolved to strike while the iron was hot.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Another kipper, Major Fairfax? Or some more of Massing Bird's finest prunes?

[Mr. Tilly]

I fear not, good lady, or I.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Shall miss the 817Whitehall omnibus. Time and tide. Time and tide.

[Mr. Tilly]

Good day. Morning, Tilly. Yes, Mrs. Boyle. Just a three minute egg, please. No, no, I'll have a kipper. No, no, no, I'll have an egg.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Oh yes, them's as pays no rent. Don't eat no eggs.

[Mr. Tilly]

Jolly good. Keep as it is, you'll have nothing.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Till you settle up. Mr. Tilly.

[Mr. Tilly]

Ah, well, it's all for the best. I've no time for breakfast today.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Oh, got some work at last, is it?

[Mr. Tilly]

In a manner of speaking. So I might leave it till tomorrow.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Well, here's a job you mayn't put off till tomorrow. Here's a card for you. Come by the third post this morning.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, well, put it in the rack for later.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Dear Mr. Tilley, I wish to be measured for a gentleman's evening suit with accessory pockets. Please come to my house at 2.30 this afternoon.

[Mr. Tilly]

Who's it from?

[Mrs. Boyle]

Yours? Etc. Julius Venn, doctor. Then 2:30 this afternoon.

[Mr. Tilly]

No, no, I meant now.

[Mrs. Boyle]

What would you like for breakfast?

[Narrator (Future Self)]

So the fish was baiting the angler. It was clear I must act with all speed. Two choices lay before me. Careful thought or further consideration. I swiftly came to a decision.

[Honesty]

Yes, and don't come back till the rents in your hand.

[Mr. Tilly]

Right. Oh, Mrs. Boyle. Cheerio.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

The Journey to Dr. Venn's Kensington Villa was painfully brief, despite a detour to acquire some instruments suitable for the task ahead. A pair of scissors, a number nine cloth knife, some pinking shears, bag of lead, bag of erasers, a Paddington comforter, Major Fairfax's service revolver and a two.

[Mr. Tilly]

Handed broadsworder picked up in some curio shop. This is the moment then. Heavens, I'll never get away with it.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

He's bound to notice the broadsword now.

[Mr. Tilly]

Where's the bell? There's no bell. I better go home.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Ah, Mr. Tilly. You're late.

[Mr. Tilly]

I'm not Mr. Tilly.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Come in please. And don't forget your tools. You'll be needing them, won't you?

[Mr. Tilly]

Um, not necessarily.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I followed Dr. Venn into his parlour, a room filled with all manner of queer and ingenious devices. These he demonstrated with horrible relish as I nervously noted his corporeal dimensions.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

And see here, Tilly. An electrical apparatus for the mixing of pastries, slicing of vegetables and pulping of fruit.

[Mr. Tilly]

Could you raise your arms, please, sir? 36 inches.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

What's the matter, young man? You seem a little nervous. One would think you were measuring me for my coffin.

[Mr. Tilly]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm doing at all.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

While this device, thanks to the inhalation of air by means of a vacuum.

[Mr. Tilly]

Your collar measurements will make the carpet.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Beater a thing of the past. Go on, why don't you?

[Mr. Tilly]

What?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

The tape is tight around my neck. Now's your chance.

[Mr. Tilly]

I don't know what you mean. No?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Come now, Tilly. We can be frank, even though we can't be friends. I know full well of your grisly intent.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, what?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

I know who you are. I know why you're here. And I know all about the deadly confederacy you represent. Oh, Mr. Tilly, you've dropped your tape measure.

[Mr. Tilly]

How? How do you know?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

You'll find out soon enough.

[Mr. Tilly]

Right. All right, then. You force my arm. Dan, where's that gun?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

I'm waiting, Mr. Tilly.

[Mr. Tilly]

Now, you shan't escape me.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Of course not, Tilly. You are eager to do your job?

[Mr. Tilly]

Yes, yes, I'm very eager indeed.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

But before you do, I have one more machine to show you.

[Mr. Tilly]

A machine?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Yes, I call it the tea machine.

[Mr. Tilly]

All right, just one. But be quick. No tricks.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Of course not. Come this way.

[Mr. Tilly]

A tea machine. Already I'd developed a keen interest in an apparatus for dispensing that most sustaining of beverages. And still clutching Major Fairfax's service revolver, I was guided down a dank, ill lit stairway. Surely another 10 minutes delay would do no harm. We paused outside a heavily bolted oak door. I've changed my mind. I haven't got time for this.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

My dear Mr. Tilly, we have all the time in the world. Please step inside.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I caught my breath as the scent of damp infested my nostrils. The cellar was a temple to neglect. Peeling paint, broken floorboards and a dreary rag of a curtain with twitched only once, but enough to betray the presence of rats.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, what a mess.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Excuse the state of the room. I have been absent for some while.

[Mr. Tilly]

Why have you brought me here?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

The reason, Mr. Tilly, is directly behind You.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I spun round fearing some burly cudgel brandishing confederate, but instead saw a superb manifestation of Dr. Venn's technology.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

I give you the tea machine.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

It resembled nothing so much as a small arc de triomphe constructed of enamel, metal and glass. Set into the keystone of the arch was a prominent dial displaying the figure 1973. I immediately surmised that this was the number of teas so far dispensed by this wonderful contrivance. But who had been consuming the refreshing cups? Had the devilish Dr. Venn been drugging innocent victims with some mind sapping potion? I prayed my conjectures were unfounded.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Come closer and tell me what you think.

[Mr. Tilly]

Well, I.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

What's this loose floorboard there? That's fixed it. You wouldn't want me to trip over an inch myself, would you?

[Mr. Tilly]

No, no, no, of course. Now see? Yeah. Then stop punning me. What's your jig?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Just this. Tilly watch.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

So saying, he turned and ran dashing full pelt through the arch of the tea machine. There was a nervous blue flash of flame as a dozen glass valves incandesced. A silence followed, and of Dr. Venn, there was no sign. Fearing some secret escape route, I gathered my last ounce of determination, closed my eyes and plunged through the shimmering arch.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

I give you the tea machine. The TEAM.

[Mr. Tilly]

I am bored. I come in beams and don't come back.

[Honesty]

Don't.

[Mr. Tilly]

Grandpa.

[Honesty]

Hurry up.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

We have all the time in the world.

[Mr. Tilly]

I might have been killed by that thing.

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[Mr. Tilly]

At this point, it became clear that the tea machine was not a device for the dispensing of drinks at all. No, sirs. The tea machine, I was soon to find out, was nothing less than a contrivance for projecting a traveller body and soul, forward into posterity.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Good Lord.

[Mr. Tilly]

Of course, we scientists use the letter T in our arithmetical deliberations to denote the dimension of time. Indeed. And as I passed through Venn's machine.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I felt as if my whole life.

[Mr. Tilly]

Were passing before my eyes. Even those years I've not yet seen. When I emerged from the arch. The room was exactly the same as it had been a moment before. There was nothing in the least remarkable, save in one important respect of Dr. Venn, my teasing quarry. There was no sign. There being no other exit, I quickly remounted the cellar steps and pushed my way through the open door to be greeted by the first of many perturbations. In the few minutes I'd been In the cellar, Dr. Venn's house had been completely removed and and replaced with a colonnaded hall of colossal proportions, not unlike the South Kensington Museum. But this is madness. Who are all you people? Hello. Hello, sir. Yeah. What is this place? Where's Dr. Venn's house? Dr. Venn?

[Bertie]

What business have you with him?

[Mr. Tilly]

This fellow is looking for Dr. Venn.

[Bertie]

Yes, indeed.

[Mr. Tilly]

Indeed. Dr. Van. What? The opposite top.

[Club Member 1]

They'll be awful of you.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I lurched round the crowded hall, drunk with confusion. It seemed I'd stumbled into a gallery of statues. Full sized figures moulded in shining reddish metal. So lifelike was each portraiture that one might almost think one was in the presence of its subject. In fact, as I paused before the perfect replica of a young man, did I not see his hand move ever so slightly? Bending closer, I learned the truth. There, from the tiniest of tiny holes in the statue's hand, writhing, spiraling, groping.

[Mr. Tilly]

Came a bloated white maggot. Psst. Grandpa.

[Bertie]

Hurry up.

[Mr. Tilly]

Pardon, Grandpa.

[Honesty]

There's no time to move.

[Mr. Tilly]

Let go of me and mind your manners. I'm not your grandpa.

[Bertie]

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but you are.

[Mr. Tilly]

What?

[Honesty]

Keep your voice down.

[Bertie]

We managed to decoy the police, but only for a while.

[Mr. Tilly]

Hey, this isn't Tilly.

[Club Member 1]

That's quick. It's a dead ringer for him.

[Bertie]

Oh, they've already seen through Freddy's disguise.

[Mr. Tilly]

Damn. Mind your language. Come on.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

Before I could find the revolver, my abductors had thrown a blanket over my head and bundled me out of the building. I am unable, therefore, to draw more than the haziest sketches of the journey that followed.

[Bertie]

Come on, Grandpa.

[Mr. Tilly]

Jump on. Huh?

[Honesty]

This is the automotive promenade. It's the way most people travel about, thanks to the great Dr.

[Mr. Tilly]

Burn. Yeah.

[Bertie]

There's a network of them all under London. My brothers and I helped dig them Here.

[Honesty]

Step on to the next one. Be careful. It's somewhat faster.

[Bertie]

Now. When we reach the innermost belt, we'll be traveling at a full 28 miles an hour.

[Mr. Tilly]

Good. Have you?

[Honesty]

This is marvel, Arch. Not much further, Grandpa. Then you'll be safe enough for the time being.

[Mr. Tilly]

Well, I am immensely pleased to hear. Now, will you kindly stop calling me Grandpa? I'm no older than you are. But you are our grandfather.

[Bertie]

Grandpa.

[Honesty]

This is the 7th of August, 1973.

[Mr. Tilly]

Come again?

[Bertie]

The 7th of August, 1973.

[Honesty]

Remember that. It's important.

[Mr. Tilly]

Yes.

[Bertie]

Oh, here we are.

[Mr. Tilly]

Regent's Park. Step lively.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

The Regent's park of tomorrow, gentlemen, is not the broad, salubrious garden we know today. As we emerged from beneath the streets, I beheld a dismal array of cramped, squalid tenements. All that was likely to flourish here were the dark blossoms of crime and cholera.

[Honesty]

This is us. Gloucestergate Towers.

[Mr. Tilly]

I say, it's very tall. Are you sure it's safe?

[Bertie]

Oh, yes. Safe as houses.

[Honesty]

Oh, dear. There goes that pond.

[Bertie]

Yes, it's the tunneling that does it. Weakens the foundations.

[Mr. Tilly]

Tunneling? Yes.

[Honesty]

The automotive promenade we've just been on is one of many, each dug by a rival tunneling company.

[Bertie]

Come on, then, let's go.

[Mr. Tilly]

Up, up.

[Honesty]

Here we are, 17th floor.

[Mr. Tilly]

Call that an elevator?

[Bertie]

No, it's a basket on a piece of rope.

[Honesty]

The builders ran out of money.

[Mr. Tilly]

I might have been killed by that thing.

[Bertie]

Well, you most certainly would have been killed without it.

[Honesty]

Then knows you've escaped and his men will be scouring the city for you.

[Mr. Tilly]

Now, look, who are you really? What's going on?

[Bertie]

I'll make it as simple as I can. I am Bertie.

[Honesty]

And I am Honesty.

[Mr. Tilly]

But who are you?

[Bertie]

We are your daughter's children.

[Mr. Tilly]

I have no daughter.

[Honesty]

Well, make sure that you do, for she has to bring us up to expect your arrival on this very day, the 7th of August, 1973.

[Bertie]

If you don't, we wouldn't have been there to save your life. You see, Ven is an important man in society. Most of the marvels you see around you today were developed from his inventions.

[Honesty]

But as our mother explained to us from an early age, the true foundation for Venn's success was his ability to travel in time.

[Bertie]

Exactly. The T machine allowed him to tamper with our past and your future, so contriving an unfair advantage for his own inventions.

[Mr. Tilly]

But how?

[Honesty]

Have you ever heard of a man called Marconi?

[Mr. Tilly]

No.

[Honesty]

Nor shall you, ever. He was just one of the score of geniuses who were murdered.

[Mr. Tilly]

So?

[Honesty]

So that they might prosper.

[Bertie]

Do you follow so far?

[Mr. Tilly]

I think so.

[Bertie]

Good.

[Honesty]

Right. Someone's coming.

[Club Member 1]

Hello there.

[Bertie]

How are you?

[Mr. Tilly]

All for soap? It's Freddy. Another grandchild.

[Honesty]

That's right.

[Mr. Tilly]

I'll board up some cow's feet.

[Bertie]

Now then, when you emerged from the tea machine. Ven had arranged for the police to arrest you and have you done away with.

[Honesty]

So we used this photograph of yourself?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Yes.

[Bertie]

Don't forget to have that taken.

[Honesty]

Who disguised our brother Freddy as you? His grandfather.

[Bertie]

He acted as decoy for the police while we bundled you off here.

[Mr. Tilly]

Say, how clever.

[Bertie]

Well, it was your idea.

[Mr. Tilly]

I see.

[Honesty]

You won't forget it now, will you?

[Mr. Tilly]

No. Look, now, I really am most grateful. But if I can rely on your help just once more, I'd like to return to my own time.

[Bertie]

Not until you have killed Ven.

[Mr. Tilly]

What?

[Bertie]

We made it very simple for you. You've got Major Fairfax's revolver, yes?

[Mr. Tilly]

Yes.

[Bertie]

Then you shoot Ven and escape to the past.

[Mr. Tilly]

Well, I don't know. I'm getting quite like it here, surrounded by my family.

[Bertie]

Are you sure this is him? I thought Mum said he was a boxing champion. Look, we're not asking much of you simply to repay the risks we've already taken on your behalf.

[Mr. Tilly]

I'll never be able to find him.

[Honesty]

See here. The court Circular says that Dr. Julius Venn will attend a performance of the Royal X Ray Ballet at Covent Garden tonight.

[Mr. Tilly]

So?

[Honesty]

So you'll be there too. Here's your ticket.

[Club Member 1]

Oi. Got two bogies down there knocking on doors.

[Bertie]

What? You better clear out, Grandpa.

[Mr. Tilly]

But you said.

[Honesty]

No, no, no. You'll be safer on the move.

[Mr. Tilly]

Where will I go? With me.

[Bertie]

I'll show you the sights.

[Mr. Tilly]

Get in your basket, Grandpa. What? What's the day? 7th August, 1973.

[Mrs. Boyle]

Good.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

The afternoon passed all too quickly and at 4 minutes to 8 I was in the newly refurbished Crush Bar of the Royal X Ray Ballyhouse, Covent Garden.

[Mr. Tilly]

Hadn't we better go in, Murphy? The Bally's about to start.

[Bertie]

No.

[Mr. Tilly]

Damn it. What?

[Bertie]

Van hasn't turned up.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh. Oh, dear. We might as well go home.

[Bertie]

Oh, blast you, Grandpa. You dither in Oldfork, don't you see? Ben has obviously sniffed our jig.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

There he is, officers.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, no.

[Bertie]

The beef's office. The bogeys Run.

[Mr. Tilly]

But I. Surely not. I mean.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Arrest this man. He is a threat to the Empire.

[Mr. Tilly]

Now look here, Dr. Bendis. No need for all this unpleasantness.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Yes, there is.

[Mr. Tilly]

I don't want to kill you. I mean, I did, but now I've changed my mind.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

It's too late, Tilly. 75 years too late. 75 years.

[Mr. Tilly]

Listen, couldn't we come to some agreement?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Mr. Tilly, I hardly think you are in a position to bargain.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

Much as I was loathe to admit it, Dr. Venn was quite correct. You see, gentlemen, my position was suspended by my wrists 20ft above a galvanic bath of sulphate of copper, having previously been painted with a solution of nitrate of silver.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Now, Mr. Tilly, it is my turn to fit you for a suit, eh? A suit which will last you the rest of your.

[Mr. Tilly]

Haul away land. As I was lowered slowly into the.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

Bubbling VAT below, Dr. Venn courteously explained.

[Mr. Tilly]

The result of this fascinating chemical process.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I was to be coated in a copper sheath of exceptional strength and durability.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Don't feel singled out. We treat all our criminals like this nowadays.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

As the solution reached my knees, I remembered with a shudder that the rank upon copper rank of perfect statues in that vast gallery where I first made my entrance into this fearful age. Then, as the solution reached my waist.

[Mr. Tilly]

What's happening?

[Club Member 1]

The building's collapsing.

[Mr. Tilly]

Run for it. But he's only half dipped. Come back, you cowards.

[Honesty]

Are we in time?

[Bertie]

Yes, but only just.

[Mr. Tilly]

Pull him out and get him into.

[Club Member 1]

The auto repelling tunneler.

[Mr. Tilly]

Right.

[Bertie]

Dear Lord, look at him.

[Mr. Tilly]

Yes.

[Honesty]

Then get into the tunneler with us.

[Bertie]

You must escape from here and kill Ben.

[Mr. Tilly]

You must be joking. I'm chopping off home. What? No, no, no. He stopped here. Come back, you coward. Come back.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I made what haste I could, given my newly becoid condition. And breasting an archway, I found myself in the very hall of statues where my nightmare had begun. You may imagine, gentlemen, my joy. For this meant that Vensler and the tea machine it contained were directly below. There was the door.

[Mr. Tilly]

And yes, it was unlocked. The fates were with me, I thought then.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

But as I stood once more before the miraculous tea machine, I realized why my entry had been so simple.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Hello there. To me.

[Mr. Tilly]

He.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Yes, I got here before you. And so did I. And so did I. And so did we.

[Mr. Tilly]

But who are you? How can this be? Which one of you is Venn?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

We all. I am Julius Fenn from five minutes into the future. I am Julius Fenn from fifteen minutes into the future.

[Mr. Tilly]

And I am Julius Fenn From 40.

[Bertie]

Years into the future.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Ah, yes. Well, I don't think we'll be needing you.

[Mr. Tilly]

Oh, all right. But.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

But you don't mind if I watch, do you? It would be a pleasure, sir. It'll be nice to know that 40 years from now I will once again savor the moment of Tilly's dismemberment.

[Mr. Tilly]

Seize him. Help. I apologize.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Don't you see, Timmy? The very fact that we exist. Five minutes, 15 minutes and 40 years into the future. Proves that your mission to destroy me.

[Mr. Tilly]

Will end in failure.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Indeed, Tilly.

[Mr. Tilly]

I am destined to survive to be a very, very old.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

What happened? He simply vanished into thin. I know what's happening.

[Mr. Tilly]

We're all ceasing to.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Yes. Ceasing to exist one by last. You, Tilly, somehow, soon, in your blundering stupidity, you will succeed in killing me.

[Mr. Tilly]

Me? Oh, no. No, I'm sure I wouldn't.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Well, I'm not finished yet. I have the power to start afresh from the beginning.

[Mr. Tilly]

So saying he set the controls of the tea machine for the very afternoon I called at his villa in Kensington a few minutes before I was first projected into that hellish future. Just think, gentlemen, this man had the power to go back and undo his errors. Who would not use such a power once more? Then vanished through the arch with that familiar blue flicker. And I, seizing my chance of returning to saner times, followed him after a minute's hesitation.

[Bertie]

Still trapped in the future.

[Mr. Tilly]

No, I'm not. I'm here. Here.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

The rest of your life. The rest of your life. The rest of your life.

[Mr. Tilly]

Might as well go home. It's too late to me.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

75 years too late. 14 years.

[Mr. Tilly]

15 minutes.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

5 minutes.

[Mr. Tilly]

I appeared in Venn's cellar where everything was as it was when I first left. But for one thing. There, sprawled on the floor at my feet, was the twisted corpse of Dr. Venn. So hastily had he run from the arch that he tripped headlong on a board sticking out from the rotting floor and broken his scientific neck. As I bent over Dr. Fenn to assure myself of his decease, I was startled to hear voices and footsteps descending the stair to the cellar. I've changed my mind. I haven't got time for this. For the first time in my life.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I made a speedy decision and concealed myself and the late Dr. Venn behind the dreary rag of curtain I had noticed earlier.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

My dear Mr. Tilly, we have all the time in the world.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I held my breath as two familiar figures entered the room.

[Mr. Tilly]

What a mess.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Excuse the state of the room. I have been absent for some while.

[Mr. Tilly]

Why have you brought me here?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

The reason, Mr. Tilly, is directly I give you the tea machine. Come closer and tell me what you think.

[Mr. Tilly]

Well, I.

[Dr. Julius Venn]

What's this loose floorboard.

[Mr. Tilly]

There?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

That's fixed it. You wouldn't want me to trip over an injure myself, would you?

[Mr. Tilly]

No, no, no, of course. Nice. Here then. Stop cunning me. What's your jig?

[Dr. Julius Venn]

Just this, Tilly. Watch.

[Narrator (Future Self)]

I waited a moment, then True to history, my former self followed the older man through the incandescing arch.

[Mr. Tilly]

As soon as it was quiet, I emerged from the curtain and went home. But before I did, I took the precaution of destroying that paradoxical invention. And so it was, gentlemen, that all Ven's willpower was turned into one big won't. Why, that's the queerest one yet.

[Club Member 1]

Yes, two qu by half. I for one, do not believe a word of it.

[Mr. Tilly]

Well, look here, sir. You have my legs as copper bottomed evidence and and the body of Dr. Venn, which, thanks to an anonymous postcard, will be discovered by the constabulary this afternoon.

[Club Member 1]

If you destroyed the machine, how on earth would it exist in the future? That your future self may affect his return to the present?

[Mr. Tilly]

It doesn't matter. I've already returned, haven't I?

[Club Member 1]

Yes, you have.

[Mr. Tilly]

But, but, but, but you, you, you.

[Bertie]

You haven't. Because you'd only just entered the machine, so you're still trapped in the future.

[Mr. Tilly]

No, I'm not. I'm here. What? It's best not to think about it. Gentlemen. More savory svelch.

[Club Member 1]

There you go.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The Fall of the Mausoleum Club Episode 5 the Tea Machine was written by Ian Brown and James Henry. Starring Patrick Allen, John Baddeley, Patty Coombs, Peter Howell, Polly James, Roy Kinnear, Michael Ripper and John Sampson. Music by Max Harris. Special effects by the BBC Radiophonic World Workshop. The producer was Paul Spencer.