Father Brown 84-12-09 (03) The Queer Feet

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio Podcast Summary

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Showcasing radio programs from the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved series like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.
• Episode: Father Brown 84-12-09 (03) The Queer Feet
• Release Date: March 21, 2025

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Episode Overview

The Queer Feet is an adaptation of G.K. Chesterton's classic Father Brown mystery, brought to life by John Scottney. This episode, featuring Andrew Sachs as Father Brown, delves into a captivating whodunit set in an exclusive English club's annual fish dinner. The narrative weaves intricate character interactions and clever clues as Father Brown unravels the mystery behind the missing silver fish service.

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Detailed Summary

Introduction to the Setting and Characters

The episode opens with an introduction by John Scottney at [00:19], setting the stage for The Queer Feet, adapted with Andrew Sachs portraying Father Brown. The audience is immediately immersed in the bustling environment of the Hotel Vernon, a refined establishment preparing for a prestigious event.

• Giovanni, a new waiter, interacts with Hector, a seasoned dishwasher, highlighting the hotel's internal dynamics and setting up potential character tensions early on.

The Annual Fish Dinner and Initial Suspense

As the narrative progresses to [00:54], the dialogue introduces the annual fish dinner hosted by the club of the 12 true fishermen, tracing its origins back to the 1890s. This event is significant not only for its exclusivity but also for the tradition of using special silverware shaped like fish.

• Mr. Lever expresses distrust towards Giovanni, emphasizing the high standards expected for handling the club's precious silver service:
  • "[00:58] Hector: ...he only been here a fortnight. Anyway, he's American. Is probably bandito."

The ambiance is further enriched by the interactions among the waiters and the first signs of impending trouble when Giovanni stumbles, leading to his urgent need for medical assistance.

Emergence of the Mystery

At [02:24], Giovanni's collapse introduces the central mystery. Father Brown quickly assesses the situation, displaying his calm and insightful demeanor. The urgency is palpable as Dr. Sinclair informs Father Brown about Giovanni's critical condition and his request for a priest, underscoring the gravity of the situation.

• Father Brown muses internally, questioning Giovanni’s sudden demise, hinting at underlying motives:
  • "[04:31] Mr. Lever: Sancti. Amen. Dear Lord, have mercy on his soul."

Character Dynamics and Clues

During the dinner preparations, Father Brown engages with the characters, subtly gathering information. Mr. Lever hints at sensing an evil presence within the hotel, a clue that piques Father Brown's detective instincts.

• "[05:27] Dr. Sinclair: What's the matter?"
• "[05:28] Mr. Lever: Sometimes one can smell evil the way a dog smells rats."

The interactions among the guests, including Colonel Nat Brenner, Duke Christopher, and others, reveal layers of relationships and potential suspects. Conversations about politics and personal anecdotes serve as red herrings, maintaining suspense.

The Theft of the Silverware

At [14:07], the plot thickens when Father Brown discovers that the special silver fish service has been stolen, despite only 15 waiters being present and accounted for. The revelation forces the characters to confront the possibility of an insider threat.

• "[15:01] Father Brown: Ayes."
• "[15:27] Colonel Nat Brenner: Do you mean that somebody has stolen our silver fish service?"

Father Brown astutely deduces that one waiter is missing, indicating the presence of a thief among them. This leads to heightened tension as the characters scramble to secure the premises.

Unveiling the Thief

The climax builds as Father Brown orchestrates the investigation, piecing together the peculiar footsteps heard earlier. Mr. Lever provides a critical analysis of the thief’s movements, likening them to both a gentleman and a waiter, highlighting the thief’s dual persona.

• "[20:58] Colonel Nat Brenner: Wait a second. Think I'm ahead of you. You say the thief wore evening dress. So do waiters."

The breakthrough comes when Mr. Lever recounts catching the thief:

• "[17:02] Dr. Sinclair: Did you steal those things?"
• "[17:04] Mr. Lever: Oh, well, at least I'm bringing them back again."

This revelation exposes the thief's cunning disguise and motives, aligning with Father Brown's keen observational skills.

Resolution and Reflections

In the concluding segments, Father Brown reflects on the events, emphasizing themes of repentance and moral integrity. The thief’s confession and subsequent repentance serve as a moral lesson, resonating with Chesterton’s original intent.

• "[23:02] Mr. Lever: What? How do you. The little priest. You again. It must be fate."

Father Brown ensures that justice is served while maintaining compassion for all parties involved, reinforcing his role as both a detective and a moral compass.

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Notable Quotes

• Hector on Waitstaff Challenges:

  • "[00:46] Hector: She is much easier to become a member of parliament than a waiter at the Hotel Vernon."

• Mr. Lever on Sensing Evil:

  • "[05:27] Dr. Sinclair: What's the matter?"
  • "[05:28] Mr. Lever: Sometimes one can smell evil the way a dog smells rats."

• Colonel Nat Brenner’s Realization:

  • "[20:20] Dr. Sinclair: Yes."
  • "[20:21] Mr. Lever: Funny little steps. Definitely made by the same man."

• Mr. Lever’s Philosophical Insight:

  • "[23:38] Mr. Lever: Now, as to whether he gave the cutlery back in a spirit of true penitence or out of a sort of sporting spirit, I'm not sure. A crime is like any other work of art."

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Insights and Themes

• Duality and Deception: The thief’s ability to masquerade as both a gentleman and a waiter underscores the theme of duality, a common motif in Father Brown stories. This deception emphasizes the difficulty in discerning true intentions based solely on appearances.

• Redemption and Morality: The episode explores the path to redemption, showcasing that even those who commit wrongdoing are capable of repentance. Father Brown’s compassionate approach highlights the importance of understanding and forgiveness.

• Social Hierarchies and Class: The interactions among the aristocrats and the hotel staff reflect the rigid social hierarchies of the time. The narrative subtly critiques the class distinctions, revealing underlying tensions and prejudices.

• Attention to Detail: Father Brown’s methodical investigation demonstrates the value of keen observation and attention to detail, reinforcing his role as a brilliant detective.

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Conclusion

The Queer Feet episode of Father Brown masterfully combines suspense, character dynamics, and moral reflections to deliver a compelling mystery narrative. Through Father Brown’s insightful detective work, listeners are engaged in unraveling the intricate plot, while also contemplating deeper themes of morality and redemption. The adaptation stays true to Chesterton's original while offering a rich, immersive experience reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Cast and Crew:

• Father Brown: Andrew Sachs
• Flambeau: Olivier, Pierre
• Colonel Nat Brenner: David Graham
• Duke Christopher: Kerry Shale
• Scott Lever: Roderick
• Hector: Robin Sommers
• Dr. David Sinclair: Alan Thompson
• Giovanni Arnold: Jean Pierre
• Other Cast Members: Various supporting characters portrayed by the talented ensemble.

Adaptation and Direction:

• Adapted by: John Scottney
• Directed by: Alec Reid in Bristol

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of The Queer Feet, providing listeners with an engaging overview of the episode's key points, character interactions, and underlying themes. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to Father Brown, this episode offers a classic mystery experience enriched by thoughtful storytelling and timeless moral lessons.

Transcript

[John Scottney]

We present the Queer Feet, adapted by John Scottney with Andrew Sachs as Father Brown.

[Arnold Diamond]

Hey, Giovanni, what are you doing down here?

[Kerry Shale]

Oh, you mean young Hector.

[Arnold Diamond]

Well, you. You know what they say about the waiters here.

[Kerry Shale]

She is much easier to become a member of parliament than a waiter at the Hotel Vernon.

[Arnold Diamond]

And yet here you are, a waiter, demeaning yourself by talking to a mere dishwasher.

[Kerry Shale]

Ah, not just talking, but actually doing some washing up. You, Mr.

[David Graham]

Lever.

[Kerry Shale]

Mr. Lever, he say you, Giovanni, you clean this special silver. The young Hector, I. I cannot trust him with it. He only been here a fortnight. Anyway, he's American. Is probably bandito.

[Arnold Diamond]

Ah, get away. Hey, these are amazing, but. Amazing? They're not pretty, but they are amazing. What? What in tarnation are they?

[Kerry Shale]

They are a fish service. You see, each knife and fork is shaped like a fish.

[Arnold Diamond]

And these pearls, those pearls are enormous. But what are they for? Is it some special occasion?

[Kerry Shale]

Tonight is dining here, a most exclusive English club. Each year for 10 or 15 years, ever since 1890s, they come here, 12 English gentlemen and aristocrats. They take the whole dining room. They send us their special silver. And what for you say? To eat. To eat the famous fish pie.

[David Graham]

What?

[Kerry Shale]

Tonight, the annual fish dinner of the club of the 12 true fishermen.

[David Sinclair]

The 12.

[Arnold Diamond]

Oh, come on. I don't believe it.

[Andrew Sachs]

Yes.

[Arnold Diamond]

What is it? What is it? Giovanni, are you all right? Giovanni. Giovanni. Help. Help. Mr. Lever.

[John Scottney]

Help.

[Arnold Diamond]

Mr. Lieber.

[Andrew Sachs]

What's happened? What's happened? Oh, no. Just loosen his collar. Somebody. Don't distress yourself, lady. Jump to it. Hector.

[Arnold Diamond]

What? What?

[Andrew Sachs]

Get a taxi cab. It is the money.

[Arnold Diamond]

Okay.

[Andrew Sachs]

The doctor's address is pinned up in the caretaker's office. Tell him it's urgent.

[Arnold Diamond]

I will, I will.

[Andrew Sachs]

Boris, Mario, get Giovanni upstairs into one of the guest rooms. Give him a brandy and hot water bottle. Right. The rest of you, calm down now. Now, since you're all here, I'll go through one more time. What happens this evening? First. First. First. When the gents arrive, it's customary for you all to be lined up against the back wall of the dining room. Then clear off smoothness and.

[Arnold Diamond]

Taxi. Taxi. Oh, come on. Come on. Taxi. Taxi. Hey.

[David Sinclair]

Hey.

[Pierre Olivier]

What do you think you're doing? Don't get yourself killed. You will.

[Arnold Diamond]

Taxi.

[David Graham]

God.

[Pierre Olivier]

You see, I'm buck gum.

[Arnold Diamond]

It's a matter of life and death. There's a man dying. I've got to get to a doctor.

[Scott Lever]

That's all right, driver. We'll take this young man to get the doctor and we'll bring the Doctor. Back to Roger, I guess. Get in.

[Arnold Diamond]

Gee, thanks, sir.

[Scott Lever]

Now, tell me all about it. What happened?

[Andrew Sachs]

Is it bad, Doctor?

[David Sinclair]

Very bad, I'm afraid, Mr. Lever. I can't hold out any hope for him. He's asking for a priest.

[Andrew Sachs]

A priest?

[David Sinclair]

He's a Catholic.

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, of course, of course. Oh, Giovanni. Giovanni, why'd you do this to me? Today of all days? Mario. See, you're a Catholic. Where do I find a priest?

[David Graham]

Sancti. Amen. Dear Lord, have mercy on his soul. A doctor.

[David Sinclair]

Yes, Father, I think.

[David Graham]

Yes.

[David Sinclair]

Yes, he's gone. A stroke like that, it's probably for the best.

[Arnold Diamond]

Yes.

[David Sinclair]

You know, Father Brown. Father Brown, I'm willing to bet you never thought you'd see the inside of this place. The most exclusive hotel in London, Doctor.

[David Graham]

However exclusive as you say a place may be, there is in the world a very aged rioter and demagogue who breaks into the most refined retreats with the dreadful news that all men are brothers. And behold, he rides a pale horse and his name is Death. Yes, and my trade, like yours, is to follow him wheresoever he goes. That's strange.

[David Sinclair]

What's the matter?

[David Graham]

Sometimes. Sometimes one can smell evil the way a dog smells rats.

[David Sinclair]

And you smell it now?

[David Graham]

Not a great evil, but definitely something. Oh, well, shall we go down? You no doubt have arrangements to make concerning the disposal of the body. And I must see Mr. Leaver about something concerning that poor man's soul.

[Andrew Sachs]

I'm afraid I can't give you very long. My guests will be in a few minutes.

[David Graham]

Oh, dear.

[Andrew Sachs]

Well, it's about Giovanni.

[David Graham]

Yes? He wasn't a bad man, but in his youth he. Well, he did something in Italy. And I can't break the secrecy of the confessional. Oh, no, no. But he begged me to write at once to someone in Italy to at least partly make amends. And I do feel duty bound to discharge the. So I was wondering if.

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, naturally, naturally. This is my private inner office. I use it for the more delicate matters. If these walls could only speak, eh? Oh, perhaps better not. Paper, pen, ink.

[David Graham]

Oh, that is good.

[Andrew Sachs]

Yes, it might be a bit noisy, I'm afraid. This wall is pretty thin. And there's a passage from the kitchens runs right behind it.

[David Graham]

No, no, no, I'm sure it'll suit very well.

[Andrew Sachs]

Well, I'll be off. The gentleman be arriving any minute.

[John Scottney]

Ah, hello there, lever. How's the soup kitchen?

[Andrew Sachs]

Good evening, your grace.

[John Scottney]

Yeah, well, here we are again. Come for our fish pud.

[Andrew Sachs]

I hope everything will be to your satisfaction, your grace.

[John Scottney]

Hope so. What Heads will roll otherwise, eh?

[Andrew Sachs]

If you'll excuse me, your grace.

[John Scottney]

Oh, yes, yes, you pop off. Make sure they don't burn it.

[David Graham]

Gr.

[John Scottney]

There they all are. All the jolly old waiters. All lined up against the wall as usual. Look as though they're going to be shot, eh? Oddly. There you go, gentlemen. You want to review 1 pound you're the senior military man present.

[Pierre Olivier]

No.

[John Scottney]

Good Lord. Thought the colonel was going to speak then had to be a turn up for the bullcourt. Ever thought of the cavalry as the silent service? Till I met you£ well, do it myself then. Screw the old eyeglass in the eye like a proper brigadier. Let's have a shifty. Yes.

[David Graham]

Yeah.

[John Scottney]

Well, what are you doing skulking behind a pillar?

[Scott Lever]

Oh, sorry.

[John Scottney]

Setting up straight.

[David Graham]

Gord.

[John Scottney]

Big fella, aren't you, your grace.

[David Graham]

Yes.

[John Scottney]

Right. Now, what about. You know, your face. You've been here before?

[David Sinclair]

11 years, your grace.

[John Scottney]

I thought so.

[David Graham]

Right, right.

[John Scottney]

Well, dismiss. Off you go. Off you go.

[Scott Lever]

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

[John Scottney]

Come to the table. Let's be seated. Nice evening. Let's have a look at the wines. Let's see. Fizz the widow, 1902. Now, Clarence.

[Andrew Sachs]

Father Brown.

[David Graham]

Oh, Mr. Lever. I hope your guests all is well.

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, yes. Oh, I thought you must be hungry. I brought you something.

[David Graham]

Oh, that's very good of you. But you see, being Friday, I'm not supposed to eat it.

[Andrew Sachs]

Ah, eats the fish pie.

[David Graham]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's fine. Oh, smells delicious. One moment.

[Scott Lever]

There.

[Andrew Sachs]

Listen. What?

[David Graham]

Those feet. I keep hearing them, but I just can't place them.

[Andrew Sachs]

That heavy slow step.

[David Graham]

At first I thought it was you.

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, no, not me.

[David Graham]

No, no. The only creature on earth that walks like that is a gentleman of Western Europe.

[Andrew Sachs]

Western Europe?

[David Graham]

Yes, and probably one who's never worked. Now it's the other step that worries me. She much lighter, as feverish as a rat. Almost noiseless. Like a man walking on tiptoe.

[Andrew Sachs]

I'm sure I don't know, father Brown. It doesn't seem very unusual to me. Oh, Would you like something to drink? We have seltzer water and lemonade. I always keep some for you people. Ever since we had the American clergyman here.

[David Graham]

Lemonade? American clergyman? Yes. Most kind, but please don't. No, no, no, no, thank you.

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, sorry. Would you like some wine? It's only that the American clergyman was most rigorous about, you know, not.

[David Graham]

Yes, you see, that's where we differ theologically. The priest of my particular persuasion. Well, you see, we remember our founder's first miracle was Changing the water into wine and not the other way round. Yes, some wine would be.

[Andrew Sachs]

I'll get Hector to bring it to you. Oh, he's a bit cut up, you know. Give him something to do. Moulin Avant. All right?

[John Scottney]

Oh, yes.

[David Graham]

Right.

[Andrew Sachs]

I must get off the gentleman, you know. Anything you want.

[David Graham]

Oh, good.

[David Sinclair]

Fine.

[John Scottney]

Oh, thank you, waiter. I say, Audley, you're supposed to know about politics. What did Northcliff's rag say about you? The man the empire needs, eh? Well, what's his name? A new Chancellor of the Exchequer. What's he like? Supposed to be more red than Keir Hardy.

[David Sinclair]

He's an interesting fellow, Charlie. Writes rather good poetry, as a matter of fact.

[Pierre Olivier]

Poetry? Good Lord.

[David Sinclair]

Minor stuff, but not half bad.

[Pierre Olivier]

Don't know what the country's coming to.

[John Scottney]

Yeah. Tell you one thing, Colonel. He's got a damn good seat. I was out with him with the Quorn last season. Left me, I can tell you.

[David Graham]

Or Grace.

[John Scottney]

Oh, no, no, no. No more, thank you, waiter. Got to leave room in the old tum for the fish portal.

[Scott Lever]

Soup, Grace.

[David Graham]

Soup.

[John Scottney]

Ah, now, that's more like it. Know a poem about soup? Soup of the evening. Beautiful soup. Who wrote that, Eh? Tennyson, Your Chancellor. The Exchequer fellow.

[David Sinclair]

Charlie, you're incorrigible. I don't believe for one moment.

[David Graham]

Come in. Father Brown. Ah.

[Arnold Diamond]

I brought you some wine, sir.

[David Graham]

Yes. You must be Hector. Did you hear that? On the other side of the wall. The footsteps. Very quick. And now slow, unsteady. Yeah.

[Arnold Diamond]

Yes, it's. It's a passage from the kitchen to the dining room, sir.

[David Graham]

They've gone. Dear. You better have a glass of wine yourself. From the look of you, you need it.

[Arnold Diamond]

Oh, thank you. I've never seen anyone like that before.

[David Graham]

Like dying. Ah, yes. I've seen all too many. If it's any consolation, when he actually died, he was at peace.

[Arnold Diamond]

Yes. Oh, the letter to Italy. I mustn't keep you.

[David Graham]

No, no, no. Don't go.

[John Scottney]

Areas again.

[Arnold Diamond]

What? It sounds to me like two different people.

[David Graham]

Yes. Yes, I thought of that. But there's a slight creak in the boots. I'm sure they're the same pair.

[John Scottney]

Cracking good fish pile. They can't do it like that anywhere but here. Nowhere.

[David Sinclair]

Nowhere extraordinarily. Except here. It was represented to me that the same could be done at the Cafe Anglais. Nothing like it, sir. Nothing like it.

[Pierre Olivier]

Overrated place.

[John Scottney]

The Colonel has spoken. What's the matter with that waiter? Did you see that? Popped in as brisk as you like. Looked over here, went white and popped out again.

[Arnold Diamond]

Another one.

[Pierre Olivier]

Now beat it round the door.

[John Scottney]

One more. Another. Well, I'll be blown.

[David Sinclair]

Splendid work young mooches doing in Burma. No other nation in the world.

[Scott Lever]

Boy.

[Pierre Olivier]

What the devil's going on?

[David Sinclair]

I'm extremely sorry, Colonel, but your Grace, might propriety I have a word with you. It's very important.

[John Scottney]

Certainly.

[Andrew Sachs]

You will pardon me, your grace. Gentlemen, I have great apprehensions. Your fish plates, they are cleared away with a knife and fork on them.

[John Scottney]

Well, I hope so.

[Andrew Sachs]

You see, the waiter who took them away, you know him?

[John Scottney]

No. The waiter? Certainly not.

[Andrew Sachs]

Well, I never sent him. I don't know when or why he come. I sent my waiter to collect the plates and he found them already gone.

[Pierre Olivier]

Do you mean that somebody has stolen our silver fish service?

[Andrew Sachs]

Ayes.

[Pierre Olivier]

Are all the waiters there?

[John Scottney]

Yes, yes, they're all here, Colonel. I'll always count them as I review them. Never be more than 15 waiters. And there were a 15 tonight. No more and no less.

[Andrew Sachs]

Wait on. You say. You say you saw all my 15 waiters.

[David Graham]

You sure?

[John Scottney]

15 of them as usual. What's the matter with that?

[Andrew Sachs]

Nothing. Only you never did.

[John Scottney]

What?

[Andrew Sachs]

One of them's lying dead upstairs, your grace.

[David Sinclair]

I'm most terribly sorry. Is there anything one can do?

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, he's had a priest. Thank you, sir.

[Pierre Olivier]

Laughs were never my strong point. But if there were 15 of them lined up and only 14 live waiters, we're left with one extra and he must be the thief. Gentlemen, down to the front and back doors and secure everything. The 24 pearls are worth recovering, apart from being made looking so damn fool.

[John Scottney]

At your command, old boy. Come on, Audley. What? This is a lark.

[Pierre Olivier]

I want all your chaps on parade in here. Pretty damn jolly, sir. Quickly, man, quickly. All the way to some cooks and what have you in here. Silence. Operate. That goes for you too, Charlie.

[David Sinclair]

Sorry, Colonel.

[Andrew Sachs]

Right.

[Pierre Olivier]

Lever. That's a lot.

[Andrew Sachs]

Yes, Colonel, I think so, patron.

[David Sinclair]

What about Hector?

[Andrew Sachs]

Where's Hector? Anyone seen Hector?

[David Sinclair]

He was not downstairs by the sink.

[Pierre Olivier]

Who is this Hector?

[Andrew Sachs]

Oh, he's an American. A plunger.

[Pierre Olivier]

A what?

[Andrew Sachs]

A dishwasher. He's only been here a fortnight.

[Pierre Olivier]

Hector. What? What's his surname?

[Andrew Sachs]

Where do I know? He's a dishwasher. Everyone just calls him Hector.

[Pierre Olivier]

Do you know about the syllabus?

[David Sinclair]

He was with Giovanni. The one who died When Giovanni. He was cleaning it.

[Pierre Olivier]

Well, it looked. Looks like we must find Hector.

[John Scottney]

Sorry to butt in, Colonel, but I think that chap behind you wants to say something. Little fellow in black. He's just come in.

[Scott Lever]

Yes.

[David Graham]

I must apologize for interrupting, gentlemen, but I think perhaps I have what you're looking for.

[Pierre Olivier]

You.

[David Graham]

You valuable thing to deposit in a cloak. Romante.

[David Sinclair]

Did you steal those things?

[David Graham]

Oh, well, at least I'm bringing them back again. But to make a clean breast of it, I didn't.

[Pierre Olivier]

Did you catch the fellow who did steal them?

[David Graham]

Oh, yes. Yes, I caught him with an unseen hook and an invisible line which is long enough to stretch to let him wander to the end of the world and still to bring him back with a twitch upon the thread. Yes, I. I wrestled for his soul. And he. He repented of his crime.

[John Scottney]

Oh, I say, repented of his crime, eh?

[David Sinclair]

Did he?

[John Scottney]

That's a bit ripe, eh?

[David Graham]

Yes. Yes. Odd, isn't it, That a thief and vagabond should repent while many who are rich and secure remain hard and frivolous and without fruit for God and man. Yes. Now, no doubt you're anxious to continue with your meal, and I have a letter to post. If you doubt the penance, there are the knives and forks.

[Arnold Diamond]

Yes.

[David Graham]

Good evening, gentlemen.

[John Scottney]

What a funny little cove. Colonel.

[Pierre Olivier]

That was damned bad for him, Charlie. I'm going after him to apologize. Padre.

[Arnold Diamond]

Padre.

[Pierre Olivier]

Padre. Padre.

[David Graham]

Yes.

[Pierre Olivier]

Look here, I'm very sorry about that rudeness. Stupid young blighter. Oh, I'd like to apologize to you on behalf of the club. Pound's the name, Colonel Clown.

[David Graham]

No, no, no. There's really no need.

[Pierre Olivier]

I'd also like to thank you for getting our silver back from that genky fellow.

[David Graham]

Yankee fellow.

[Pierre Olivier]

What's his name? Hector. Doesn't seem to have a surname. Fellow who disappeared.

[David Graham]

Oh, no. Dear, dear, dear. There seems to be some confusion. No, Hector didn't steal your cutlery. He disappeared because I took the liberty of telling him to go home. But he had a very distressing day and he's very young. Mind you, he did play a part in the theft. No, an accidental part. He had the misfortune to share a taxicab with a man in evening dress. Now, poor Hector wasn't to know that when he chatted on to this man, he was talking to one of the most audacious thieves in Europe.

[Pierre Olivier]

Really?

[David Graham]

Yes. But I'm sorry I'm keeping you from your dinner.

[Pierre Olivier]

Dinner be hanged. I won't hear the end of this. Is there somewhere we can talk?

[David Graham]

Well, Mr. Lever was kind enough to lend me a room for a private matter, if you'd like to. It is just along here.

[Pierre Olivier]

Yes, yes. After you, my dear fellow.

[David Graham]

Yes. Do you know Colonel, this archangel of impudence who stole your forks, walked up and down this very passage 20 times in the blaze of all the lamps, in the glare of all eyes. Good Lord. Don't ask me what he was like. You yourself have seen him six or seven times tonight. Yes. This way. Along here. You see, Colonel, I was shut up in this small room. It's. It's along here to the left.

[Pierre Olivier]

Good Lord. Places. Amazed?

[David Graham]

Yes. I was doing some writing when I heard a pair of feet in the passage doing a dance that was, in its way, as queer as the dance of death. The heavy steps. I recognized they were, if you'll excuse me, very like yours. It was the walk of a well fed gentleman waiting for something who strolls about because he is physically alert rather than mentally impatient.

[Pierre Olivier]

But there were other steps.

[David Sinclair]

Yes.

[David Graham]

Funny little steps. Definitely made by the same man. Now, what Wild creature, I thought. Tears about on tiptoe in that extraordinary style. Then I remembered Mr. Lever saying he found nothing unusual in those footsteps. Of course not. I realise he hears them every day, all day. It was the walk of a waiter. That walk was the body slanted forward, the eyes looking down, the ball of the toe spurning the ground, and coat tails and napkins flying. Now, why should the same person sound like a gentleman one moment and a waiter the next?

[Pierre Olivier]

Wait a second. Think I'm ahead of you. You say the thief wore evening dress. So do waiters. When he was with us, he pretended to be the 15th waiter. After all, we can't tell one waiter from another. Then when the waiters were about, he played the gentleman. That's a thought I suppose they can't tell us about either.

[Andrew Sachs]

Exactly.

[David Graham]

Now, his worst moment was when the waiter stood in a ro. But even then he contrived to lean against a pillar. So that for that important instant the waiters thought him a gentleman, while the gentleman thought him a servant. The rest of the time he was either serving at table or strolling about as a gentleman. It was no new thing to the waiters for a member of the smart set to pace about wherever he chooses.

[Pierre Olivier]

Fair enough. But tell me, how. How did you actually catch him?

[David Graham]

Ah, here we are. Now, do come in. There we are. Please sit down here.

[Pierre Olivier]

Thank you.

[David Graham]

Now then, I was sitting here like this when I heard the same footsteps again. Only this time they were not in the passage behind us, but in the main corridor in front, running like a hare and heading towards the main door. I went through into the cloakroom. The attendant wasn't there and I. I'm afraid I slipped his coat on. Well, my. My costume is rather conspicuous.

[Scott Lever]

Me hat and coat, please. I find I have to dash off, don't you know? Here's me ticket number four.

[David Graham]

Very good, sir. Here they are, sir.

[Scott Lever]

Look here, I haven't got any change. You'd better have this half sovereign.

[David Graham]

Oh, I think, sir, you have some silver in your pocket. Hang it.

[Scott Lever]

If I give you gold, why should you complain?

[David Graham]

Because silver is sometimes more valuable than gold, that is, in large quantities.

[Scott Lever]

Get out of my way. No, I don't want to threaten you.

[David Graham]

I do want to threaten you. I want to threaten you with the worm that dieth not and the fire that is not quenched.

[Scott Lever]

You're a rum sort of cloakroom clerk.

[David Graham]

I am a priest, Monsieur Flambeau.

[Scott Lever]

What? How do you. The little priest. You again. It must be fate.

[John Scottney]

Fate?

[David Graham]

Do you know what the English King Alfred wrote in his copy of Betheus? I say, as do all Christian men, that it is a divine purpose that rules, and not fate. Now, Monsieur Flambeau, I am ready to hear your confession, sir.

[Pierre Olivier]

What did the fellow say to you?

[David Graham]

Oh, that must be where the story ends, Colonel. Your health.

[Pierre Olivier]

Yours, Roderick.

[David Graham]

Now, as to whether he gave the cutlery back in a spirit of true penitence or out of a sort of sporting spirit, I'm not sure. A crime is like any other work of art. Oh, Colonel, don't be so surprised. Every work of art, divine or diabolic, has one indispensable mark. I mean that the centre of it is simple, however much the fulfilment may be complicated. Thus, in Hamlet, let us say, the grotesqueness of the grave digger, the flowers of the mad girl, the grin of the skull, are all oddities in a sort of tangled wreath round the one plain tragic figure of a man in black.

[John Scottney]

Gentlemen, be upstanding. His Majesty, King Edward.

[David Sinclair]

King Edward, God bless him.

[John Scottney]

Cigars, waiter.

[Pierre Olivier]

Hello, Charlie.

[John Scottney]

Hello, Colonel. Where have you been? Here, have one of these Romeo and Juliettas. Old Audley here wants to start some new ceremony, don't you know, in honor of the forks being saved. Any ideas?

[Arnold Diamond]

I.

[Pierre Olivier]

Should suggest that henceforward we wear green coats instead of black.

[John Scottney]

I don't know. Just one thing. Why do you suggest that old boy.

[Pierre Olivier]

Stop us looking like waiters?

[John Scottney]

Hang it all, a gentleman never looks.

[Pierre Olivier]

Like a waiter, nor a waiter like a gentleman. I suppose.

[John Scottney]

In the queer feet by G.K. chesterton, the part of Father Brown was played by Andrew Sachs Flambeau. Olivier, Pierre, Colonel Nat Brenner, Duke Christopher Scott Lever, David Graham, Hector Kerry Shale, Dr. David Sinclair, Giovanni Arnold Diamond, Jean Pierre, Robin Sommers Audley Alan Thompson. The Queer Feet was adapted by John Scottney and directed in Bristol by Alec Reid.