Father Knows Best 50-10-26 (053) A Spooky Cemetery

Summary

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Father Knows Best 50-10-26 (053) "A Spooky Cemetery"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Episode Date: October 8, 2025 (original air date: October 26, 1950)
Episode Theme: A spooky, comedic Halloween misadventure with the Anderson family, blending gentle satire on ghost stories, mistaken turns, and family bickering, all set in the atmospheric backdrop of a rainy night and a creepy cemetery caretaker’s cottage.

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Main Theme / Episode Overview

This episode takes place on Halloween night and follows the Anderson family as they attempt to make their way home from a country weekend—but end up lost, out of gas, and stranded at the caretaker’s cottage of a cemetery. The story is a lighthearted exploration of fear, skepticism, and family dynamics in the spirit of Halloween, with plenty of old-timey laughs and misunderstandings.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Andersons Get Lost in the Rain

• The Andersons are returning from the Palmers’ house after a Halloween weekend. Their frustrations with muddy roads, unclear signage, and rainy weather set the tone for the episode.

• Bud is constantly sent out into the rain to check signs. Jim struggles to maintain patience as the family bickers, especially with the children whining about the cold and being lost.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Jim: "Put them in your pocket." (in response to Kathy complaining her feet are cold) [02:38]

2. Halloween Jokes & Ghost Stories

• The Palmers’ practical jokes (floating table, fake ghosts) are fresh in everyone’s mind; the Anderson kids are on edge, especially Kathy.

• Jim tries to reassure everyone, insisting, "there's no such thing as a ghost." (04:29)

• Discussion over whether things like Grandma’s rocking chair could possibly be haunted, only to have Jim offer logical explanations.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Betty: "How about a real dead ghost?" [04:46]
    • Jim: "Just because it’s Halloween, he didn’t have to have ghosts popping out of the closet every time you opened a door." [04:19]

3. Going in Circles, Running Out of Gas

• The family realizes, after much confusion, that they've been driving in circles ("Bensonville 12 miles" sign appears again).

• A comic moment reveals the car won’t start—because Betty and Marshall never put gas in it, assuming their task was just checking tires and polishing chrome.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Jim (exasperated): "Margaret, I've been a good husband and a good father, but so help me..." [09:02]
    • Betty: "We just checked the tires and polished the chrome and you didn't say to put gas in it." [08:48]

4. Spooky Sights and the Cemetery House

• The family spots a “ghost” with wings, which turns out to be pigeons on a farmhouse.

• Jim heads off to get help and discovers the caretaker’s cottage in… “Pleasant View Cemetery."

  • Notable Quote:
    • Jim: "It's the Pleasant View Cemetery." [11:48]

5. Seeking Shelter: The Haunted Cottage

• The family huddles on the cottage porch in the rain, debating whether to go inside.

• Spooky phenomena occur: doors open and shut by themselves, noises abound, and the family gets thoroughly creeped out.

• Jim tries to rationalize each scary event, blaming them on wind, loose latches, and country sounds.

  • Notable Quote:

    • Jim: "This isn't just a cemetery. It's a monument of which we should all be proud. Those are the graves of Civil War heroes, men who died for their country." [14:25]

  • Memorable Exchange:

    • Bud: "Why couldn't you open it before?"
    • Jim: "Because the latch gets hung up when the door bangs shut." [19:57]

6. The Final Scare – and the Reveal

• Ghostly sounds and creaky boards escalate everyone's fear.

• As the Andersons decide to leave, the "ghost" approaches—only to be revealed as the new cemetery caretaker, who was just as scared of the Andersons as they were of him.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Caretaker: "For a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts." [26:13]
    • Jim: "You see, there wasn't anything to be afraid of." [26:10]

7. Safe at Home: Rationality and a Final Joke

• The family, now back home and safe at breakfast, teases each other about their fears and how everything had a logical explanation.

• The Palmers call, asking Jim how he did the "floating bridge table" trick—tying back to the earlier Halloween jokes and confirming that even the skeptics can create a little "mystery".

  • Notable Quote:
    • Margaret: "He wants you to tell him how you did that trick where the bridge table floats in the air." [28:34]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|--------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:38 | Jim | "Well, put them in your pocket." | | 04:19 | Jim | "Just because it's Halloween, he didn't have to have ghosts popping out of the closet every time you opened a door." | | 04:46 | Betty | "How about a real dead ghost?" | | 08:48 | Betty | "We just checked the tires and polished the chrome and you didn't say to put gas in it." | | 09:02 | Jim | "Margaret, I've been a good husband and a good father, but so help me..." | | 11:48 | Jim | "It's the Pleasant View Cemetery." | | 14:25 | Jim | "This isn't just a cemetery. It's a monument of which we should all be proud. Those are the graves of Civil War heroes, men who died for their country." | | 19:57 | Jim & Bud | Bud: "Why couldn't you open it before?" Jim: "Because the latch gets hung up when the door bangs shut." | | 26:10 | Jim | "You see, there wasn't anything to be afraid of." | | 26:13 | Caretaker | "Maybe there ain't now, but I was sure scared before. You see, for a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts." | | 28:34 | Margaret | "He wants you to tell him how you did that trick where the bridge table floats in the air." |

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------|-------------| | The Andersons Lost in the Rain | 01:23-03:52 | | Halloween Pranks & Ghostly Debates | 03:52-07:07 | | Mishaps: Out of Gas and Circling Back | 07:07-09:12 | | Spooky Sighting: The 'Ghost' and House | 09:12-11:51 | | Shelter in the Cemetery Cottage Begins | 13:45-15:03 | | The Family Faces Spookiness Inside | 15:03-25:39 | | The Scary 'Ghost' Is the Caretaker | 25:39-26:46 | | Back Home: Final Family Banter and Joke | 27:42-28:44 |

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Summary & Tone

The episode is filled with gentle ribbing, witty domestic banter, and the kind of wholesome comedy for which “Father Knows Best” was beloved. While spooky Halloween tropes (dark roads, cemeteries, haunted houses) are present, each is ultimately debunked with Jim Anderson’s trademark rationality and fatherly exasperation. The family’s anxieties, bickering, and reconciliation are rendered humorously, capturing both the atmosphere of Golden Age radio and the universal family experience of getting spooked—then laughing about it in the light of day.

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Best enjoyed with a cup of Maxwell House, in the spirit of the Andersons—and remember, in classic radio, there’s always “a logical explanation.”

Transcript

[Narrator]

And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Announcer]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Jim Anderson]

Cut the camera.

[Announcer]

They see us.

[Jim Anderson]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty.

[Bud Anderson]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Jim Anderson]

Satan's very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance.

[Narrator]

Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts Mother, is Maxwell.

[Betty Anderson]

House really the only coffee in the world?

[Margaret Anderson]

Well, your father says so and your father knows best.

[Announcer]

Yes, it's Father Knows Best Transcribed in Hollywood starring Robert Young as Father. A half hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons, brought to you by Maxwell House. The coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand of coffee at any price.

[Jim Anderson]

Maxwell House always good to the last drop.

[Announcer]

And all us other chillen when the supper things is done we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun A listen to the witch tales that Annie tells about and the goblin that gets you if you don't watch out. It's Halloween in Springfield and the white frame house on Maple street looks dark and deserted.

[Jim Anderson]

Maybe that's because it is dark and deserted.

[Announcer]

The Andersons, you see, are heading home after a weekend in the country with their friends the Palmers. And at the moment we find them, they, that is, their car is parked on a muddy and rain spattered road between. How am I supposed to know where they are?

[Jim Anderson]

They don't even know themselves. Like this. What does the sign say, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know. It's dark out here.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, light a match.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, okay.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know what's the matter with that boy. He doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain.

[Margaret Anderson]

If he did, he couldn't read the sign. Could he, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Hmm. Can you see it now, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Yeah.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, what does it say?

[Bud Anderson]

No trespassing.

[Jim Anderson]

That's a great help. All right, come on back.

[Bud Anderson]

Okay.

[Betty Anderson]

Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

What is it, Kathy?

[Kathy Anderson]

My feet are cold.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, put them in your pocket.

[Betty Anderson]

Mother.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, that wasn't very nice.

[Jim Anderson]

She's done nothing but complain for the last three hours. She's hungry, she's sleepy, she's tired, she's cold.

[Betty Anderson]

Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Yes, Betty, so am I. Fine, I'll make a note of it.

[Bud Anderson]

Boy, it's sure wet out here.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, get in and close the door. Don't just stand there.

[Bud Anderson]

Shove over, will you, Betty?

[Betty Anderson]

Bud, you're getting me all wet.

[Bud Anderson]

You poor thing. How would you like to get out every two minutes and look at a Dopey sign.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, stop complaining and shut the door.

[Bud Anderson]

I'm not complaining, dad, but just because she gets a few drops of water on.

[Jim Anderson]

Shut the door.

[Bud Anderson]

Holy cow.

[Jim Anderson]

Once we get back on the main road, I'll have you home in 30 minutes.

[Betty Anderson]

That's what you said two hours ago.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, I'm certainly not going to change my mind now. If you hadn't spent so much time lollygagging with the Palmer boy, we wouldn't have had to take this shortcut.

[Bud Anderson]

Shortcut? Huh?

[Jim Anderson]

What was that?

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, nothing, Dad. I was just thinking.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, stop thinking out loud. This is a very good shortcut if I can ever find it.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh, dear. It's too bad this had to happen. It was such a nice weekend, wasn't it, Jim? Yes, the Palmers are wonderful people, aren't they?

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, they're nice people, all right. But Will didn't have to knock himself out that way.

[Margaret Anderson]

He was merely trying to be pleasant.

[Betty Anderson]

He scared me.

[Margaret Anderson]

He didn't really, Kathy. He was just having fun.

[Betty Anderson]

Some fun. You bet.

[Bud Anderson]

Ha.

[Betty Anderson]

Cha.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, let's face it, Margaret. Just because it's Halloween, he didn't have to have ghosts popping out of the closet every time you opened a door.

[Betty Anderson]

I was scared. I don't like ghosts.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Kathy, for the eight millionth time, there's no such thing as a ghost.

[Betty Anderson]

There isn't?

[Jim Anderson]

No.

[Betty Anderson]

You just say had him in all the closets.

[Jim Anderson]

He had sheets in all the closets.

[Betty Anderson]

You mean they weren't real live ghosts?

[Jim Anderson]

There is no such thing as a real live ghost.

[Betty Anderson]

How about a real dead ghost?

[Jim Anderson]

Teddy, you keep out of this.

[Betty Anderson]

I was only trying to help.

[Jim Anderson]

You've helped quite enough, thank you. You and Marshall the mechanical wizard.

[Kathy Anderson]

Now what did we do?

[Jim Anderson]

The gas gauge doesn't work. The radio doesn't work. Nothing works.

[Betty Anderson]

Marshall said it just needed a fuse.

[Jim Anderson]

Marshall said he works one week at a filling station and that makes him an expert mechanic.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, how do you suppose Will did that thing with the bridge table?

[Jim Anderson]

What thing?

[Margaret Anderson]

Where the bridge table floated in the air.

[Betty Anderson]

It was very clever.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know. I suppose he had wires hooked on it or something.

[Betty Anderson]

I didn't see any wires.

[Kathy Anderson]

There's another sign.

[Jim Anderson]

Where?

[Kathy Anderson]

Over there.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, maybe now we'll find out where we are. Bud.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, no. Dad, do I have to go out again?

[Jim Anderson]

A little rain isn't going to hurt you.

[Bud Anderson]

But I'm wet clear through now then.

[Jim Anderson]

You can't get any wetter. Go ahead, bud.

[Bud Anderson]

Holy cow. What they need in this family is a seeing eyed duck.

[Betty Anderson]

Daddy. Now what if there aren't any ghosts? Why do people say there are?

[Jim Anderson]

Because they don't have anything better to talk about.

[Margaret Anderson]

I know you don't believe in those things, Jim, but there was a chair in my Grandmother William's bedroom.

[Jim Anderson]

And it rocked back and forth and back and forth.

[Margaret Anderson]

It certainly did.

[Jim Anderson]

You've told me about it 8,000 times and there's still a logical explanation for it.

[Betty Anderson]

Maybe the termites were pacing up and down.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, that isn't funny.

[Jim Anderson]

The floor was probably crooked or the chair was standing in a draft. It could have been anything, but it was not being rocked by a ghost.

[Kathy Anderson]

I'm scared, dad.

[Jim Anderson]

What's the matter, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Hey, dad, you know what?

[Jim Anderson]

Don't stand out there in the rain. Get inside.

[Bud Anderson]

Okay. Move over, will you, Betty?

[Betty Anderson]

Oh, you're a pest.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, Bud, What? What did you find out? Hmm?

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, well, remember the sign that said Bensonville 12 miles? And you said now you knew where you were.

[Jim Anderson]

What about it?

[Bud Anderson]

That's it.

[Kathy Anderson]

What?

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Jim, you mean it's the same sign? Sure.

[Bud Anderson]

On the bottom it says, blossom loves Rocky with a skull and crossbones.

[Jim Anderson]

Bensonville.

[Betty Anderson]

Father, we were here two hours ago.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim Anderson.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret, it was an honest mistake. When I took the right turn, I guess I should have taken the left.

[Margaret Anderson]

That's all Kathy said we should have taken the left turn.

[Jim Anderson]

Since when does a 9 year old child know more about roads than I do now? Well, if you're going to be insulting.

[Margaret Anderson]

About it, if you'd only stop someone and ask, like, who?

[Jim Anderson]

We haven't seen a soul since we left Man Steel. And that was three hours ago. Now, what's wrong with a full motor?

[Bud Anderson]

Maybe you flooded it, dad. Pull way out on the choke.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, would you like to drive?

[Bud Anderson]

Okay.

[Jim Anderson]

No, stay right there. But you just said I was driving cars before you were born. And I can drive rings around you right now. Well, sure, but.

[Betty Anderson]

Father, is the switch on?

[Jim Anderson]

The switch is on. Contact. Roger Wilco.

[Bud Anderson]

Wahoo.

[Jim Anderson]

Only it won't start. Now are you happy?

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, you're losing your temper.

[Jim Anderson]

I'm not losing my temper. I'm calm, I'm cool. And I'd like to take Marshall Palmer and stuff him down the nearest.

[Betty Anderson]

Well, why blame it on Marshall? He was only trying to help.

[Jim Anderson]

The two of you fussed around with this car for two hours and you've wrecked it. Does it take two hours to put.

[Announcer]

Gas in a car?

[Betty Anderson]

Gas? You didn't say to put gas in the car.

[Jim Anderson]

What?

[Betty Anderson]

Well, we just checked the tires and polished the chrome and you didn't say to put gas in it.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Margaret, no.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, how could you have done a thing like that?

[Betty Anderson]

Well, I didn't know he wanted us to get gas.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret, I've been a good husband and a good father, but so help me.

[Margaret Anderson]

Daddy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Daddy, I saw it. Oh, Daddy, I saw it.

[Jim Anderson]

Daddy, stop it.

[Kathy Anderson]

Oh.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Margaret.

[Kathy Anderson]

Kathleen, stop choking your father, please. Oh, but I saw it, Mommy. It was big and white and it had big long wings. Mother, are you all right?

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim?

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know. I. I think she's been taking lessons from Strangler Lewis.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't see any ghost.

[Kathy Anderson]

It was over there, Bud. It had three heads and a long white beard. And I saw it out the window.

[Margaret Anderson]

Hey, there is something.

[Kathy Anderson]

It's the ghost. Oh, Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, now, just a minute, Bud.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't think it's a ghost. But I saw something.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't see any.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, yes, Father.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

There's nothing to get upset about, Margaret. It's probably just a billboard or a sign or something.

[Betty Anderson]

It's a house.

[Kathy Anderson]

What?

[Bud Anderson]

Sure, now I can see it. It's a two story house and it's got pigeons on the roof.

[Jim Anderson]

Ghosts with three heads. All that excitement about a farmhouse and a few fluttering pigeons. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim, where are you going?

[Jim Anderson]

I'm going to see if I can't wake somebody up. I've got to borrow some gas.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim, don't stay away too long, please.

[Jim Anderson]

I'll be right back.

[Margaret Anderson]

Bud, maybe you ought to go with your father.

[Bud Anderson]

What for?

[Margaret Anderson]

Well, it's very dark out there and he might not be able to find the way.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know the way any better than he does.

[Betty Anderson]

But why don't you stop arguing?

[Bud Anderson]

I'm not arguing. And I don't see you jumping out in the rain.

[Betty Anderson]

Of course not. Girls don't do things like that.

[Bud Anderson]

Why not?

[Kathy Anderson]

They just don't.

[Betty Anderson]

That's why not.

[Bud Anderson]

Boy, is that a racket. But I go first.

[Jim Anderson]

I'm a girl.

[Bud Anderson]

I get this. I'm a girl who takes care of the men.

[Margaret Anderson]

Girls. But this is hardly the time for a battle of the sexes.

[Bud Anderson]

I wasn't fighting, but good gravy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Is everything all right, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Honey, it's a house all right. But it isn't exactly what we figured. Well, it's a sort of an empty caretaker's cottage.

[Betty Anderson]

What's an empty caretake? It's a cottage, dopey, and it's empty.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh, Jim, why would a farm have a caretaker's cottage?

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's What I was saying, it isn't exactly a farm. It's a. Well, just figure it's like anything else, that's all.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, what is it?

[Jim Anderson]

Well, it's the Pleasant View Cemetery.

[Margaret Anderson]

O.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, on Halloween night, most of us.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

Won'T be in quite such effects. Instead, the pumpkins will go on the table when the children come in from their chilly rounds, eager for the cookies and donuts and fresh sweet cider. And you know who else will be there to drink a cup or two of steaming coffee? The world's greatest coffee expert. Yes, ma', am. That number one expert will be on hand because he's your husband. Now, we could say we're the experts. Our Maxwell House Coffee is America's favorite brand. But we know the final judge is that man of yours. And if you'll pour him a cup of Maxwell House, we're mighty sure he'll.

[Announcer]

Say, best coffee I ever tasted.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

In fact, if he doesn't, we'll give you your money back. You see, we know there's no coffee tastes like Maxwell House because no coffee's made like Maxwell House. We're proud as can be of that wonderful good to the last drop flavor. So we'd like you to buy a pound and start serving it to that husband of yours. And if he doesn't say it's the coffee for him, why, you send us the can and unused portion and we'll gladly refund the price you paid. Our address is right on the front of that familiar blue tiny. Find out just how much the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband, enjoys Maxwell House coffee.

[Jim Anderson]

Always good to the last drop.

[Announcer]

A few chill moments have come and gone, and we find the Andersons, brave little band huddled on the porch of the caretaker's cottage. The rain keeps pouring down on the battered roof and in the eaves, pigeons flap their restive wings. Or is it a belfry? Or are they bats? Well, anyway, the Andersons aren't worried. Not in the least.

[Jim Anderson]

Chins up, shoulders back, they march fearlessly.

[Announcer]

Into whatever awaits them.

[Jim Anderson]

Like this.

[Kathy Anderson]

I don't want to go in.

[Margaret Anderson]

Kathy, there's nothing to be afraid of.

[Betty Anderson]

I don't care.

[Kathy Anderson]

I don't want to go in.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, would you rather stay out here on the porch all night and freeze to death?

[Kathy Anderson]

Aw, I'm scared, Kathy.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know what's gotten into you. This isn't just a cemetery. It's a monument of which we should all be proud. Those are the graves of Civil War heroes, men who died for their country.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father.

[Betty Anderson]

What were you saying, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Let's see if we can get inside, dad. Any luck, Bud? No.

[Bud Anderson]

I tried the windows on the ground floor and they're all locked.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, fine.

[Bud Anderson]

I found a shovel out in back, though.

[Jim Anderson]

That's nice. If we can't dig our way in, at least it'll make a pleasant souvenir of the evening, won't it?

[Bud Anderson]

Well, I just thought if there's a shovel around, maybe that means somebody lives here.

[Jim Anderson]

Thank you, Sam Spade.

[Bud Anderson]

Say, that's a good one, Sam.

[Narrator]

And Doug. Here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Jim Anderson]

Limu.

[Announcer]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Narrator]

Cut the camera.

[Jim Anderson]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[Narrator]

Liberty.

[Bud Anderson]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Jim Anderson]

Satan's buried and written by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company.

[Narrator]

It excludes Massachusetts.

[Bud Anderson]

Hey, cuz, I found a shovel. Get it, Betty.

[Betty Anderson]

I got it and you can have it.

[Bud Anderson]

What's the matter with her?

[Kathy Anderson]

I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

We can't go home, Kathy. There isn't any gas in the car. And I'm not walking 12 miles in the rain to get any either.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, we can't just stand here all night.

[Jim Anderson]

I have no intention of standing here all night. First, let's see if we can't.

[Kathy Anderson]

Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's just a door opening, honey, that's all.

[Betty Anderson]

Who opened it?

[Kathy Anderson]

I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

I hear one more peep out of you, so help me.

[Kathy Anderson]

Jim, what happened to Bob?

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know. He was right, Bud.

[Kathy Anderson]

Mother.

[Bud Anderson]

You want me dead?

[Caretaker]

How'd you get down there?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know. I guess I fell off the porch. Who opened the door, Dan?

[Jim Anderson]

How do I know?

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

But it's open, so we don't have.

[Jim Anderson]

To worry about that anymore.

[Margaret Anderson]

It used to be open.

[Jim Anderson]

That's funny.

[Bud Anderson]

It's locked, huh?

[Jim Anderson]

No, I just like to rattle doorknobs.

[Bud Anderson]

How could it be open one minute and locked the next minute?

[Jim Anderson]

The wind. That's all it is. The wind blew it shut.

[Margaret Anderson]

Who blew it open?

[Jim Anderson]

Betty, stop asking silly questions.

[Betty Anderson]

What's silly about that, Bud?

[Jim Anderson]

Let's see if.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Never mind, Bud. It's open again. Holy cow. All right, everybody, let's get inside before the darn thing changes its mind again.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, this is a haunted house.

[Kathy Anderson]

Margaret, I don't want to go into the haunted house.

[Jim Anderson]

Jesse, stop being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a haunted house.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, I know you don't believe in ghosts in haunted houses.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret, you don't either. No sensible person does.

[Margaret Anderson]

Of course, dear, but why did the bridge table float in the air at the Palmers?

[Jim Anderson]

It was a trick, Margaret. Just like all the other stupid things Will Palmer did. Tapping on the floor and weird voices. You saw how he did those.

[Margaret Anderson]

But he didn't explain about the table.

[Jim Anderson]

He forgot, that's all. And if you don't mind, I just as soon forget, too. Let's go inside. All right.

[Kathy Anderson]

Kathy, I'm only a little girl. I'm only nine years old.

[Margaret Anderson]

Angel, nothing's going to hurt you.

[Jim Anderson]

Turn on the lights, Bud.

[Betty Anderson]

Mother, is it all right if I just wait in the car?

[Jim Anderson]

You're staying right here with us. How about it, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Nothing happens.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, we'll get a light somehow. Now what's the matter?

[Betty Anderson]

I just walked in with spider webs.

[Kathy Anderson]

Ew.

[Jim Anderson]

Please stop complaining and close the door.

[Betty Anderson]

Chumping creepers.

[Kathy Anderson]

All I wanted to do was get.

[Betty Anderson]

Into the sixth grade.

[Bud Anderson]

Kathy. Dad, there's an R lamp over here.

[Jim Anderson]

Fine. Now we're getting somewhere.

[Bud Anderson]

But there isn't any oil in it.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

But.

[Jim Anderson]

Yes, Ed, See what else you can find that isn't any good.

[Bud Anderson]

Isn't any good for what?

[Jim Anderson]

Just never mind.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, gosh. I was only trying to.

[Kathy Anderson]

Mother. Now I'll settle for the fifth grade.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, that stupid door.

[Caretaker]

Bud.

[Bud Anderson]

Don't look at me, Dad. I wasn't any place near it.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

I know you.

[Jim Anderson]

I was merely. Oh, here's what it is. It's just a loose screw.

[Betty Anderson]

I knew there was a screw loose someplace.

[Jim Anderson]

You see this, Margaret? The latch is unfastened. When the wind blows, the latch slides over and the door opens.

[Bud Anderson]

Why couldn't you open it before?

[Jim Anderson]

Because the latch gets hung up when the door bangs shut.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

And.

[Jim Anderson]

Stop bothering me. There's nothing mysterious about it.

[Betty Anderson]

I'll be happy to finish the fourth grade.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, it's very cold in here.

[Bud Anderson]

Yeah, kind of clammy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Wouldn't it be warmer if we all.

[Betty Anderson]

Just sat in the car?

[Jim Anderson]

We'll get a fire started in here, and that'll take care of everything. Jim, honey, there's nothing in here that can hurt anybody. A nice friendly fire in the fireplace. It'll make all the difference in the world. How about getting some wood, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Here's a whole pile of newspapers.

[Jim Anderson]

Good.

[Bud Anderson]

Hey, you know who's going to run for President?

[Jim Anderson]

Coolidge. But let's see. Get the fire started and stop with the jokes. What jokes? Just. Oh, get some wood.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, I know it isn't anything to be Worried about. But that door gives me the creeps.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, I'll fix that. Get this chair wedged under the doorknob and there we are. Now, I'd like to see it open. Come on, Bud, let's get going with the wood.

[Bud Anderson]

Where do I get wood?

[Jim Anderson]

I don't care where you get it, just get it.

[Bud Anderson]

Good grief.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's a novelty.

[Betty Anderson]

Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Kathy, you know I can't stand that.

[Kathy Anderson]

What?

[Jim Anderson]

Stop whining.

[Betty Anderson]

I was whining, Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Hand me some of that newspaper, Betty, will you, please?

[Betty Anderson]

What a time to read.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, help your father build the fire. Okay.

[Jim Anderson]

Kathy.

[Betty Anderson]

Yes, Daddy?

[Jim Anderson]

You're whining again.

[Betty Anderson]

I didn't even make a sound. Here's the paper, Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Thank you. We'll have some light in here in just about two seconds.

[Bud Anderson]

How's this for dad?

[Jim Anderson]

Fine, Bud. There we are. That's a little better, isn't it? Let's have the wood, Buddy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's an owl, Margaret. That's all it is, just an owl.

[Betty Anderson]

I don't like owls.

[Jim Anderson]

You don't like anything.

[Bud Anderson]

Jim.

[Margaret Anderson]

What is it?

[Jim Anderson]

Smoke. Doesn't seem to be going up the chimney. Must have their nest up there.

[Bud Anderson]

Want me to open a window, dad?

[Jim Anderson]

Yeah, I guess.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

I bet.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father Jim, the chair is gone. I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, just a minute there. There must be a little logical explanation. Chairs don't just walk off by themselves, do they, Buck?

[Bud Anderson]

This one. Didn't he just put it in the fireplace?

[Jim Anderson]

What?

[Bud Anderson]

Well, you said you didn't care where.

[Jim Anderson]

I got the wood.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, the smoke is getting awful.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, open the window at the top of the stairs and see if we can't get a little cross ventilation in here.

[Bud Anderson]

Bud, do this. Bud, do that. Sounds like the only name he ever heard of was Bud.

[Jim Anderson]

What was that?

[Bud Anderson]

I said I have to open the window.

[Kathy Anderson]

Hey, Bud. I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, what is it?

[Bud Anderson]

It was a calf. I guess I stepped on his tail.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, stop fooling around and open the window.

[Kathy Anderson]

Oh, Father.

[Betty Anderson]

Daddy, I have a wonderful idea.

[Kathy Anderson]

Let's go home, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's a dog, Margaret. That's all. Just a dog howling at the moon.

[Kathy Anderson]

Dogs howl when somebody dies.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, there's a pleasant bit of information.

[Kathy Anderson]

I'm only a little girl.

[Margaret Anderson]

Kathy, please.

[Jim Anderson]

I'm not having a bad enough time. People jumping every time a dog howls or an owl hoots or a door squeaks.

[Bud Anderson]

Dad.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Bud. Why do you have to sneak up and back of people like that?

[Bud Anderson]

I didn't sneak up and back of you.

[Jim Anderson]

You certainly did.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Kathy Anderson]

What's that a cow?

[Jim Anderson]

Just a plain, ordinary cow.

[Bud Anderson]

What's a cow doing up this time of night?

[Jim Anderson]

Looking for another cow. It's.

[Bud Anderson]

Jim.

[Margaret Anderson]

All those peculiar noises.

[Jim Anderson]

They aren't peculiar noises. We're out in the country and they're just plain, ordinary noises.

[Betty Anderson]

But they sound so weird.

[Jim Anderson]

Father, what's the matter?

[Margaret Anderson]

We.

[Bud Anderson]

We heard something.

[Jim Anderson]

You're imagining things, all of you. You heard the wind whistling through the trees.

[Betty Anderson]

It didn't sound like the wind.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, what did it sound like?

[Betty Anderson]

Like that.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's nothing. It's just a board creaking, that's all.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, we've got to get out of here.

[Jim Anderson]

How? Where are we going to go?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't care where.

[Jim Anderson]

Let's just go.

[Kathy Anderson]

I'm only nine years old.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, Kathy, we'll leave. We'll leave right now. Not that there's anything to be afraid of.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father, it's coming closer. It's the Zoe. It's a big white boat.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh, boy, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, we've got you covered. Stay where you are.

[Margaret Anderson]

Are you folks folks? Oh.

[Jim Anderson]

Yes, we're folks. Who are you?

[Caretaker]

Oh, I'm the new caretaker. Just moved in tonight. And I'm not sure I like this job, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

You see, there wasn't anything to be afraid of.

[Caretaker]

Maybe there ain't now, but I was sure scared before. You see, for a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

When you buy coffee, you certainly want to get the most in flavor for your money. And you know the world's greatest coffee expert can help you find it. Yes, ma'?

[Jim Anderson]

Am.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

Just set a steaming cup of Maxwell House coffee in front of your husband. He's the number one expert. Watch him smile at the first sip.

[Announcer]

Listen to him say, best coffee I ever tasted.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

Right. Then you'll know you found the flavor. You'll know that Maxwell House is your coffee. Buy bring home a pound of Maxwell House tomorrow. See how much your husband enjoys every cupful. And count all the truly good cups of coffee you get from just one of those familiar blue tins. We think you'll be convinced that Maxwell House coffee gives you the most for your money because it's always good to the last drop.

[Announcer]

The horrible night is over. At last, the Andersons are home, safe and happy. And as they dig into their breakfast cereal, Jim tells them exactly how foolish.

[Jim Anderson]

They'Ve been like this. I've never been so ashamed of anyone in my entire life. Why, you acted as though we were living in the Middle Ages.

[Bud Anderson]

I wasn't scared, dad.

[Betty Anderson]

You certainly were. I certainly wasn't you were just as scared as anybody. Wasn't he, Kathy? He wasn't as scared as I was. I was real scared.

[Jim Anderson]

Of what? Everything had a logical explanation, didn't it, Jim? Hello, Margaret. You finally decided to come to the party, huh? You haven't said a word since we.

[Bud Anderson]

Sat down at the table.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, there was a phone call before you got up.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh? Who was it?

[Margaret Anderson]

Will Palmer. He said he hadn't been able to sleep a wink all night.

[Jim Anderson]

Good. Serves him right. What did he want?

[Margaret Anderson]

He wants you to call him.

[Jim Anderson]

What for? We just saw him yesterday.

[Margaret Anderson]

He wants you to tell him how you did that trick where the bridge table floats in the air.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, no. Tell the kids it's a hot favorite with Hoppy that's hot post sweetmeal. And if you have trouble getting the youngsters to eat a hot cereal, just tell them how much Hopalong Cassidy loves that rich, brown hot post wheat meal. Post wheat meal is chock full of good solid nourishment. It has a wonderful nut like flavor. It cooks in just three and a half minutes. And tell the kids it's Hoppy's favorite hot post wheat meal.

[Maxwell House Coffee Narrator]

You'll see.

[Jim Anderson]

You'll all agree it's the best hot cereal you ever ate.

[Announcer]

Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Barkey of the Maxwell House Orchestra and.

[Jim Anderson]

Yours truly, Bill Foreman.

[Announcer]

So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee, always.

[Jim Anderson]

Good to the last drop.

[Announcer]

Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations.

[Jim Anderson]

Robert Young again reminding you to stay tuned for Dragnet on NBC.