Father Knows Best - A Spooky Cemetery

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Father Knows Best – A Spooky Cemetery

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: "Father Knows Best - A Spooky Cemetery"
Date: June 21, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Original Air Date (show): Golden Age of Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode features a classic "Father Knows Best" radio play titled "A Spooky Cemetery." The Anderson family, returning home from a weekend in the country, finds themselves lost on a rainy Halloween night. Seeking shelter, they end up in a caretaker’s cottage at a cemetery, leading to a series of spooky and comedic misadventures that playfully explore family dynamics, superstition, and the clash between logic and fear.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Breakdown

1. Lost in the Halloween Night (01:22–08:52)

• The Andersons are driving home, but Jim’s shortcut leads them into confusion and circles, with the family bickering over directions.
• The car runs out of gas, and tensions rise amongst Bud, Betty, Kathy, Margaret, and Jim.
• Jokes and light sarcasm pepper the dialogue, especially around Bud's mishaps and Kathy's fears.
• Notable Quote:
  Kathy: "My feet are cold."
  Jim: "Well, put them in your pocket." (02:36)

2. Family Arguments & Ghostly Banter (03:00–10:07)

• The family debates the existence of ghosts, referencing a prank-filled Halloween stay at their friends, the Palmers.
• Margaret mentions her grandmother’s haunted rocking chair, to which Jim asserts a logical explanation.
• A running gag about the malfunctioning car and who’s responsible for not getting gas.
• Notable Quote:
  Jim: "Margaret, I've been a good husband and a good father, but so help me…" (10:03)

3. The Cemetery Discovery (10:15–13:15)

• A misidentified “ghost” is revealed to be pigeons on a farmhouse roof.
• Jim seeks help at what turns out to be the Pleasant View Cemetery’s caretaker’s cottage.
• Eerie atmosphere: darkness, rain, and the suggestion of Civil War graves.
• Notable Quote:
  Jim: "It's not just a cemetery. It's a monument of which we should all be proud. Those are the graves of Civil War heroes." (15:26)

4. Taking Refuge in the Cottage (14:46–19:15)

• Although scared, the Andersons take shelter on the porch, then inside the caretaker’s empty cottage.
• Comic tension as the door mystifies by opening and closing (the latch explained by Jim).
• Family continues to bicker, with Bud sourcing firewood (at one point burning the chair used to block the door).

5. Building Suspense with Spooky Sounds (21:01–25:52)

• The atmosphere is heightened by strange sounds — owls, creaking boards, howling dogs — unnerving the family further.
• Logical explanations are offered for every noise, but anxiety mounts.
• Notable Quote:
  Bud: "What's a cow doing up this time of night?"
  Jim: "Looking for another cow. It's..." (25:03)

6. The "Ghost" Revealed (26:10–27:17)

• The climax: a white shape approaches! The family, frightened, are relieved when it’s just the human caretaker, also newly arrived and equally spooked.
• Twist: the caretaker confesses he thought they were ghosts.
• Notable Quote:
  Caretaker: “Maybe there ain't [anything to be scared of] now, but I was sure scared before. You see, for a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts.” (26:45)

7. Back Home & The Final Family Gag (28:14–29:16)

• Safe at breakfast, Jim lectures on logic over fear. Bud and Kathy continue to argue about who was most scared.
• Margaret reveals Will Palmer called — now he wants to know the trick behind the floating bridge table.
• Notable Quote:
  Margaret: “He wants you to tell him how you did that trick where the bridge table floats in the air.” (29:09)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes with Timestamps

• Jim to Kathy: "Well, put them in your pocket." (02:36) – Dry fatherly humor.
• Bud: "What they need in this family is a seeing eyed duck." (05:49)
• Jim: "There is no such thing as a real live ghost." (04:43)
• Betty: "I'm only a little girl. I'm only nine years old." (18:45; also repeated for comedic effect)
• Bud: "Say, that's a good one, Sam Spade, because I found his shovel." (16:15)
• Caretaker: "You see, for a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts." (26:45)
• Jim: "Everything had a logical explanation, didn't it, Jim?" (28:45)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:22]— Opening narration/set-up of spooky night
• [05:49]— Bud’s signature sarcastic “seeing eyed duck” remark
• [10:15]— Car runs out of gas, family panic peaks
• [12:37]— Discovery of caretaker’s cottage/cemetery
• [15:12]— Family nervous about entering the cottage
• [18:13]— Ongoing door/haunted house gags
• [21:01]— Inside the cottage, strange noises escalate tension
• [26:18]— Caretaker’s entrance as “ghost” threat
• [28:14]— Return home, final comedic twist
• [29:09]— The punchline: Will Palmer trick call

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Tone & Language

The episode maintains a warm, gently sarcastic, and reassuring tone, with Jim as the rational, sometimes deadpan anchor amidst his squabbling and occasionally anxious family. Much of the humor comes from misunderstandings, overblown fears, and wordplay, true to the wholesome 1950s sitcom style: never mean-spirited, and often wrapped up with a logical or moral lesson.

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Takeaways

• The Andersons' misadventure humorously explores how fear and imagination can take over, especially on Halloween.
• Every “spooky” event is given a down-to-earth explanation, reinforcing the show’s gentle message about the rational over the irrational.
• The playful reversal at the end—where Will Palmer seeks their advice on a magic trick—is an affectionate nod to how stories spin around among friends and family.

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This episode of "Father Knows Best" provides a charming and atmospheric radio snapshot of mid-century American family life, blending gentle comedy with just the right touch of Halloween shivers—all with a laugh and a warm cup of “the world’s finest coffee.”

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Transcript

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, I have had no luck lately. Wait, lady.

[Caretaker]

Look.

[Kathy Anderson]

Rusty. I got you. I've had so much luck on spinquest.com they have all of my favorite games, slot games, live blackjack craps and bubble crap. You can even get a 30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[Jim Anderson]

10 bucks for 30. I'm headed over to spinquest.com right now.

[Spinquest Announcer]

Spinquest is a free to play social casino, Boyd. Where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Kathy Anderson]

Mother, is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world?

[Margaret Anderson]

Well, your father says so and your father knows best.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

Yes, it's father knows Best Transcribed in Hollywood starring Robert Young as Father. A half hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons. Brought to you by Maxwell House. The coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand of coffee at any price.

[Jim Anderson]

Maxwell House, always good to the last drop.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

And all us other chillen when the supper things is done we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun A listen to the witch tales that Annie tells about and the goblin that gets you if you don't watch out. It's Halloween in Springfield and the white frame house on Maple street looks dark and deserted. Maybe that's because it is dark and deserted. The Andersons, you see, are heading home after a weekend in the country with their friends the Palmers. And at the moment we find them, they, that is, their car is parked on a muddy and rain spattered road between. How am I supposed to know where they are?

[Jim Anderson]

They don't even know themselves like this. What does the sign say, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know. It's dark out here.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, light a match.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, okay.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know what's the matter with that boy. He doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain.

[Margaret Anderson]

If he did, he couldn't read the sign. Could he, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Hmm. Can you see it now, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Yeah.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, what does it say?

[Bud Anderson]

No trespassing.

[Jim Anderson]

That's a great help. All right, come on back.

[Bud Anderson]

Okay.

[Kathy Anderson]

Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

What is it, Kathy?

[Kathy Anderson]

My feet are cold.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, put them in your pocket.

[Betty Anderson]

Mother.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, that wasn't very nice.

[Jim Anderson]

She's done nothing but complain for the last three hours. She's hungry, she's sleepy, she's tired, she's cold.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Yes, Betty, so am I. Fine. I'll make a note of it.

[Bud Anderson]

Boy, it's sure wet out here.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, get in and close the door. Don't just stand there.

[Bud Anderson]

Shove over, will you, Betty?

[Kathy Anderson]

Bud, you're getting me all wet.

[Bud Anderson]

You poor thing. How would you like to get out every Two minutes and look at a dopey sign.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, stop complaining and shut the door.

[Bud Anderson]

I'm not complaining, dad, but just because she gets a few drops of water on.

[Jim Anderson]

Shut the door.

[Bud Anderson]

Holy cow.

[Jim Anderson]

Once we get back on the main road, I'll have you home in 30 minutes.

[Kathy Anderson]

That's what you said two hours ago.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, I'm certainly not going to change my mind now. If you hadn't spent so much time lollygagging with the Palmer boy, we wouldn't have had to take this shortcut.

[Bud Anderson]

Shortcut? Huh?

[Jim Anderson]

What was that?

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, nothing, Dad. I was just thinking.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, stop thinking out loud. This is a very good shortcut if I can ever find it.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh, dear. It's too bad this had to happen. It was such a nice weekend, wasn't it, Jim? Yes, the Palmers are wonderful people, aren't they?

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, they're nice people, all right. But Will didn't have to knock himself out that way.

[Margaret Anderson]

He was merely trying to be pleasant.

[Kathy Anderson]

He scared me.

[Margaret Anderson]

He didn't really, Kathy. He was just having fun.

[Kathy Anderson]

Some fun, you bet. Ha. Cha. Betty.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, let's face it, Margaret. Just because it's Halloween, he didn't have to have ghosts popping out of the closet every time you opened a door.

[Kathy Anderson]

I was scared. I don't like ghosts.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Kathy, for the eight millionth time, there's no such thing as a ghost.

[Kathy Anderson]

There isn't?

[Jim Anderson]

No.

[Kathy Anderson]

You just say had him in all the closets.

[Jim Anderson]

He had sheets in all the closets.

[Kathy Anderson]

You mean they weren't real live ghosts?

[Jim Anderson]

There is no such thing as a real live ghost.

[Kathy Anderson]

How about a real dead ghost?

[Jim Anderson]

Teddy, you keep out of this.

[Kathy Anderson]

I was only trying to help.

[Jim Anderson]

You've helped quite enough, thank you. You and Marshall the mechanical wizard.

[Betty Anderson]

Now what did we do?

[Jim Anderson]

The gas gauge doesn't work. The radio doesn't work. Nothing works.

[Kathy Anderson]

Marshall said it just needed a fuse.

[Jim Anderson]

Marshall said he works one week at a filling station and that makes him an expert mechanic.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, how do you suppose Will did that thing with the bridge table?

[Jim Anderson]

What thing?

[Margaret Anderson]

Where the bridge table floated in the air.

[Kathy Anderson]

It was very clever.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know. I suppose he had wires hooked on it or something.

[Kathy Anderson]

I didn't see any wires.

[Betty Anderson]

There's another sign.

[Jim Anderson]

Where?

[Betty Anderson]

Over there.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, maybe now we'll find out where we are.

[Bud Anderson]

Bud. Oh, no. Dad, do I have to go out again?

[Jim Anderson]

A little rain isn't going to hurt you.

[Bud Anderson]

But I'm wet clear through now.

[Jim Anderson]

Then you can't get any wetter. Go ahead, bud.

[Bud Anderson]

Holy cow. What they need in this family. Is a seeing eyed duck.

[Kathy Anderson]

Daddy. Now what if there aren't any ghosts? Why do people say there are?

[Jim Anderson]

Because they don't have anything better to talk about.

[Margaret Anderson]

I know you don't believe in those things, Jim, but there was a chair in my Grandmother William's bedroom.

[Jim Anderson]

And it rocked back and forth and back and forth.

[Margaret Anderson]

It certainly did.

[Jim Anderson]

You've told me about it 8,000 times and there's still a logical explanation for it.

[Kathy Anderson]

Maybe the termites were pacing up and down.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, that isn't fun.

[Jim Anderson]

The floor was probably crooked or the chair was standing in a draft. It could have been anything. But it was not being rocked by a ghost.

[Betty Anderson]

I'm scared, dad.

[Jim Anderson]

What's the matter, bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Hey, dad, you know why.

[Jim Anderson]

Don't stand out there in the rain. Get inside.

[Bud Anderson]

Okay. Move over, will you, Betty?

[Kathy Anderson]

Oh, you're a pest.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, Bud, What? What did you find out?

[Bud Anderson]

Hmm? Oh, well, remember the sign that said Bensonville 12 miles? And you said now you knew where you were.

[Jim Anderson]

What about it?

[Bud Anderson]

That's it.

[Betty Anderson]

What?

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

You mean it's the same sign?

[Bud Anderson]

Sure. On the bottom it says Blossom loves Rocky with a skull and crossbones.

[Jim Anderson]

Bensonville.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father, we were here two hours ago.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim Anderson.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret. It was an honest mistake. When I took the right turn, I guess I should have taken the left.

[Margaret Anderson]

That's all Kathy said. We should have taken the left turn.

[Jim Anderson]

Since when does a 9 year old child know more about roads than I do now? Well, if you're going to be insulting

[Margaret Anderson]

about it, if you'd only stop someone and ask, like who?

[Jim Anderson]

We haven't seen a soul since we left Man Steel. And that was three hours ago. What's up everybody? It's Bretzky. And America is turning 250. And I can't think of a better way to celebrate that than playing on an American owned social casino. Spinquest.com with all of your favorite games, live crafts, bubble crafts, live blackjack, there's no better place to play for free and win real cash prizes. Spin quest.com Spin quest is a free

[Spinquest Announcer]

to play social casino Boyd. Where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Save on family essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Extra meaty pork back ribs bone in are 2.99 per pound limit, two member price and sweet red cherries are 2.99 per pound limit 6 pounds member price with coupon plus signature select 80 lean ground beef sold in 3 pound twin pack bricks is 4. 4.99 per pound limit, one member price with coupon fresh and Delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. This deal won't last. Visit safewayeralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, what's wrong with a full motor?

[Bud Anderson]

Maybe you flooded it, dad. Pull way out on the choke.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, would you like to drive?

[Bud Anderson]

Okay.

[Jim Anderson]

No, stay right there. But you just said I was driving cars before you were born. And I can drive rings around you right now.

[Bud Anderson]

Well, sure, but.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father, is the switch on?

[Jim Anderson]

The switch is on. Contact. Roger wilco.

[Bud Anderson]

Wahoo.

[Jim Anderson]

Only it won't start.

[Bud Anderson]

Now. Are you happy?

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, you're losing your temper.

[Jim Anderson]

I'm not losing my temper. I'm calm, I'm cool. And I'd like to take Marshall Palmer and stuff him down the nearest.

[Kathy Anderson]

Well, why blame it on Marshall? He was only trying to help.

[Jim Anderson]

The two of you fussed around with this car for two hours and you've run. Does it take two hours to put

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

gas in a car?

[Kathy Anderson]

Gas? You didn't say to put gas in the car.

[Jim Anderson]

What?

[Kathy Anderson]

Well, we just checked the tires and polished the chrome and you didn't say to put gas in it.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Margaret, no.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, how could you have done a thing like that?

[Kathy Anderson]

Well, I didn't know he wanted us to get gas.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret, I've been a good husband and a good father, but so help me.

[Betty Anderson]

Teddy, I saw it. This ghost. Oh, Daddy, I saw it. Stop it. Oh.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh.

[Betty Anderson]

Margaret, stop choking your father, please. Oh, but I saw it, Mommy. It was big and white and it had big long wings. Mother, are you all right?

[Jim Anderson]

J. Jim, I don't know. I. I think she's been taking lessons from Strangler Lewis.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't see any ghost.

[Betty Anderson]

It was over there, Bud.

[Kathy Anderson]

It had three heads and a long white beard.

[Betty Anderson]

And I saw it out the window.

[Margaret Anderson]

Hey, there is something.

[Betty Anderson]

It's the ghost. Oh, Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, now, just a minute, Bud.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't think it's a ghost. But I. I saw something.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't see any. Oh, yes, Father.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

There's nothing to get upset about, Margaret. It's probably just a billboard or a sign or something.

[Bud Anderson]

It's a house.

[Betty Anderson]

What?

[Bud Anderson]

Sure, now I can see it. It's a two story house and it's got pigeons on the roof.

[Jim Anderson]

Ghosts with three heads. All that excitement about a farmhouse and a few fluttering pigeons. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.

[Kathy Anderson]

Jim, where are you going?

[Jim Anderson]

I'm going to see if I can't wake somebody up. I've got to borrow some gas.

[Kathy Anderson]

Jim, don't stay away too long, please.

[Jim Anderson]

I'll be right Back.

[Margaret Anderson]

Bud, maybe you ought to go with your father.

[Bud Anderson]

What for?

[Margaret Anderson]

Well, it's very dark out there and he might not be able to find the way.

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know the way any better than he does,

[Kathy Anderson]

But why don't you stop arguing?

[Bud Anderson]

I'm not arguing. And I don't see you jumping out in the rain.

[Kathy Anderson]

Of course not. Girls don't do things like that.

[Bud Anderson]

Why not?

[Kathy Anderson]

They just don't, that's why not.

[Bud Anderson]

Boy, is that a racket. I go first.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

I'm a girl.

[Bud Anderson]

I get this. I'm a girl who takes care of the men.

[Kathy Anderson]

Girls.

[Margaret Anderson]

But this is hardly the time for a battle of the sexes.

[Bud Anderson]

I wasn't fighting, but good gravy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Is everything all right, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Honey, it's a house, all right. But it isn't exactly what we figured. Well, it's a sort of an empty caretaker's cottage.

[Kathy Anderson]

What's an empty caretaker? It's a cottage, dopey, and it's empty.

[Margaret Anderson]

Oh, Jim, why would a farm have a caretaker's cottage?

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's what I was saying. Isn't exactly a farm. It's a. Well, just figure it's like anything else, that's all.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, what is it?

[Jim Anderson]

Well, it's the Pleasant View Cemetery.

[Bud Anderson]

O.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

Well, on Halloween night, most of us won't be in quite such a fix. Instead, the pumpkins will go on the table when the children come in from their chilly rounds eager for the cookies and donuts and fresh sweet cider. And you know who else will be there to drink a cup or two of steaming coffee? The world's greatest coffee expert. Yes, ma'. Am, that number one expert will be on hand because he's your husband. Now, we could say we're the experts. Our Maxwell House Coffee is America's favorite brand. But we know the final judge is that man of yours. And if you'll pour him a cup of Maxwell House we're mighty sure he'll

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

say, best coffee I ever tasted.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

In fact, if he doesn't, we'll give you your money back. You see, we know there's no coffee tastes like Maxwell House because no coffee's made like Maxwell House. We're proud as can be of that wonderful good to the last drop flavor. So we'd like you to buy a pound and start serving it to that husband of yours. And if he doesn't say it's the coffee for him, why, you send us the can and unused portion and we'll gladly refund the price you paid. Our address is right on the front of that Familiar blue tin. Find out just how much the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband, enjoys Maxwell House coffee, always good to the last drop.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

A few chill moments have come and gone and we find the Andersons, brave little band, huddled on the porch of the caretaker's cottage. The rain keeps pouring down on the battered roof, and in the eaves, pigeons flap their restive wings. Or is it a belfry? Or are they bats? Well, anyway, the Andersons aren't worried. Not in the least. Chins up, shoulders back, they march fearlessly into whatever awaits them. Like this.

[Betty Anderson]

I don't want to go in.

[Margaret Anderson]

Kathy, there's nothing to be afraid of.

[Kathy Anderson]

I don't care.

[Betty Anderson]

I don't want to go in.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, would you rather stay out here on the porch all night and Frank freeze to death?

[Betty Anderson]

Oh, I'm scared.

[Bud Anderson]

Happy.

[Jim Anderson]

I don't know what's gotten into you. This isn't just a cemetery. It's a monument of which we should all be proud. Those are the graves of Civil War heroes. Men who died for their country.

[Betty Anderson]

Father.

[Kathy Anderson]

What were you saying, dear?

[Jim Anderson]

Let's see if we can get inside, dad. Any luck, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

No. I tried the windows on the ground floor and they're all locked.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, fine.

[Bud Anderson]

I found a shovel out in back, though.

[Jim Anderson]

That's nice. If we can't dig our way in, at least it'll make a pleasant souvenir of the evening, won't it?

[Bud Anderson]

Well, I just thought if there's a shovel around, maybe that means somebody lives here.

[Jim Anderson]

Thank you, Sam Spade.

[Bud Anderson]

Say, that's a good one, Sam Spade, because I found his shovel. Get it, Betty.

[Kathy Anderson]

I got it, and you can have it.

[Bud Anderson]

What's the matter with her?

[Betty Anderson]

I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

We can't go home, Kathy. There isn't any gas in the car. And I'm not walking 12 miles in the rain to get any either.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, we can't just stand here all night.

[Jim Anderson]

I have no intention of standing here all night. First, let's see if we can't.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's just the door opening, honey, that's all.

[Kathy Anderson]

Who opened it?

[Betty Anderson]

I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

I hear one more peep out of you, so help me.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim, what happened to Bob?

[Jim Anderson]

I didn't know. He was right, Bud.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

Mother.

[Bud Anderson]

You want me?

[Betty Anderson]

Dad, how'd you get down there?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't know. I guess I fell off the porch. Who opened the door, Dan?

[Jim Anderson]

How do I know?

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

But it's open, so we don't have

[Jim Anderson]

to worry about that anymore.

[Margaret Anderson]

It used to be open.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's funny.

[Bud Anderson]

It's locked, huh?

[Jim Anderson]

No, I just like to rattle doorknobs.

[Bud Anderson]

How could it be open one minute and locked the next minute? The.

[Jim Anderson]

The wind. That's all it is. The wind blew it shut.

[Margaret Anderson]

Who blew it open?

[Jim Anderson]

Betty, stop asking silly questions.

[Kathy Anderson]

What's silly about that?

[Jim Anderson]

Bud?

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

Let's see if.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Never mind, Bud. It's open again. Holy cow. All right, everybody, let's get inside before the darn thing changes its mind again.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, this is a haunted house.

[Betty Anderson]

Margaret, I don't want to go into the haunted house.

[Jim Anderson]

Cassie, stop being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a haunted house.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, I know you don't believe in ghosts in haunted houses.

[Jim Anderson]

Margaret, you don't either. No sensible person does.

[Margaret Anderson]

Of course, dear. But why did the bridge table float

[Kathy Anderson]

in the air at the Palmers?

[Jim Anderson]

It was a trick, Margaret. Just like all the other stupid things Will Palmer did. Tapping on the floor and weird voices. You saw how he did those.

[Margaret Anderson]

But he didn't explain about the table.

[Jim Anderson]

He forgot, that's all. And if you don't mind, I just as soon forget, too. Let's go inside. All right.

[Betty Anderson]

Kathy, I'm only a little girl. I'm only nine years old.

[Margaret Anderson]

Angel, nothing's going to hurt you.

[Jim Anderson]

Turn on the lights, Bud.

[Kathy Anderson]

Mother, is it all right if I just wait in the car?

[Jim Anderson]

You're staying right here with us. How about it, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Nothing happens.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, we'll get a light somehow. Now what's the matter?

[Kathy Anderson]

I just walked in with spider web. Ew.

[Jim Anderson]

Will you please stop complaining and close the door?

[Kathy Anderson]

Jumping creepers.

[Betty Anderson]

All I wanted to do was get

[Kathy Anderson]

into the sixth grade.

[Bud Anderson]

Cassie. Dad, there's an R lamp over here.

[Jim Anderson]

Fine. Now we're getting somewhere.

[Bud Anderson]

But there isn't any oil in it.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Yes, Ed?

[Jim Anderson]

See what else you can find that isn't any good.

[Bud Anderson]

Isn't any good for what? Just

[Jim Anderson]

never mind.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, gosh. I was only trying to.

[Betty Anderson]

Mother. Now I'll settle for the fifth grade.

[Jim Anderson]

All that stupid door.

[Betty Anderson]

Bud.

[Bud Anderson]

Don't look at me, Dad. I wasn't any place near it.

[Jim Anderson]

I know you. I was merely. Oh, here's what it is. It's just a loose screw.

[Kathy Anderson]

I knew there was a screw loose someplace.

[Jim Anderson]

You see this, Margaret? The latch is unfastened. When the wind blows, the latch slides over and the door opens.

[Bud Anderson]

Why couldn't you open it before?

[Jim Anderson]

Because the latch gets hung up when the door bangs shut. And. Stop bothering me. There's nothing mysterious about it.

[Kathy Anderson]

I'll be happy to finish the fourth grade.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim.

[Margaret Anderson]

It's very Cold in here.

[Bud Anderson]

Yeah, kind of clammy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Wouldn't it be warmer if we all just sat in the car?

[Jim Anderson]

We'll get a fire started in here, and that'll take care of everything. Jim, honey, there's nothing in here that can hurt anybody. A nice friendly fire in the fireplace. It'll make all the difference in the world. How about getting some wood, Bud?

[Bud Anderson]

Here's a whole pile of newspapers.

[Jim Anderson]

Good.

[Bud Anderson]

Hey, you know who's going to run for President? Coolidge.

[Jim Anderson]

But let's get the fire started and stop with the jokes.

[Bud Anderson]

What jokes?

[Jim Anderson]

Just. Oh, get some wood.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, I know it isn't anything to be worried about, but that door gives me the creeps.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, I'll fix that. Get this chair wedged under the doorknob, and there we are. Now, I'd like to see it open. Come on, Bud, let's get going with the wood.

[Bud Anderson]

Where do I get wood?

[Jim Anderson]

I don't care where you get it, just get it.

[Bud Anderson]

Good grief.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's a novelty,

[Kathy Anderson]

Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Kathy, you know I can't stand that.

[Betty Anderson]

What?

[Jim Anderson]

Stop whining.

[Kathy Anderson]

I was whining, Daddy.

[Jim Anderson]

Hand me some of that newspaper, Betty, will you, please?

[Kathy Anderson]

What a time to read.

[Margaret Anderson]

Betty, help your father build the fire. Okay.

[Jim Anderson]

Kathy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Yes, Daddy?

[Jim Anderson]

You're whining again.

[Kathy Anderson]

I didn't even make a sound. Here's the paper, Father.

[Jim Anderson]

Thank you. We'll have some light in here in just about two seconds.

[Bud Anderson]

How's this for dad?

[Jim Anderson]

Fine, Bud. There we are. That's a little better, isn't it? Let's have the wood, Buddy.

[Kathy Anderson]

Father Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's an owl, Margaret. That's all it is, just an owl.

[Kathy Anderson]

I don't like owls.

[Jim Anderson]

You don't like anything.

[Kathy Anderson]

What is it?

[Jim Anderson]

Smoke. Doesn't seem to be going up the chimney. Must have their nest up there.

[Bud Anderson]

Want me to open a window, dad?

[Jim Anderson]

Yeah, I guess.

[Caretaker]

I bet.

[Betty Anderson]

Father Jim, the chair is gone. I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, just a minute there. There must be a little logical explanation. Chairs don't just walk off by themselves, do they, Buck?

[Bud Anderson]

This one. Didn't you just put it in the fireplace?

[Betty Anderson]

What?

[Bud Anderson]

Well, you said you didn't care where

[Jim Anderson]

I got the wood.

[Betty Anderson]

Jim, the smoke is getting awful.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, open the window at the top of the stairs. See if we can't get a little cross ventilation in here.

[Bud Anderson]

Bud, do this. Bud, do that. Sounds like the only name he ever heard of was Bud.

[Jim Anderson]

What was that?

[Bud Anderson]

I said I have to open the window.

[Betty Anderson]

Hey, Father, I want to go home.

[Jim Anderson]

Bud, what is it?

[Bud Anderson]

It was a cat, I guess I Stepped on his tail.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, stop fooling around and open the window.

[Betty Anderson]

Oh, Father.

[Kathy Anderson]

Daddy, I have a wonderful idea.

[Betty Anderson]

Let's go home, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

It's a dog, Margaret, that's all. Just a dog howling at the moon.

[Betty Anderson]

Dogs howl when somebody dies.

[Jim Anderson]

Now, there's a pleasant bit of information.

[Betty Anderson]

I'm only a little girl.

[Margaret Anderson]

Kathy, please.

[Jim Anderson]

I'm not having a bad enough time. People jumping every time a dog howls, or an owl hoops, or a door squeaks.

[Bud Anderson]

Dad.

[Betty Anderson]

Hello. It's a Saturday.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, Bud, why do you have to sneak up and back of people like that?

[Bud Anderson]

I didn't sneak up and back of you.

[Jim Anderson]

You certainly did.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim,

[Betty Anderson]

what's that?

[Jim Anderson]

A cow. Just a plain, ordinary cow.

[Bud Anderson]

What's a cow doing up this time of night?

[Jim Anderson]

Looking for another cow. It's.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim. All those peculiar noises.

[Jim Anderson]

They aren't peculiar noises. We're out in the country and they're just plain, ordinary noises.

[Margaret Anderson]

But they sound so weird.

[Jim Anderson]

Father, what's the matter?

[Margaret Anderson]

We.

[Bud Anderson]

We heard something.

[Jim Anderson]

You're imagining things, all of you. You heard the wind whistling through the trees.

[Kathy Anderson]

It didn't sound like the wind.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, what did it sound like?

[Kathy Anderson]

Like that.

[Jim Anderson]

Well, that's nothing. It's just a board creaking, that's all.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, we've got to get out of here.

[Bud Anderson]

How?

[Jim Anderson]

Where are we going to go?

[Bud Anderson]

I don't care where. Let's just go.

[Betty Anderson]

I'm only nine years old.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, Kathy, we'll leave. We'll leave right now. Not that there's anything to be afraid of.

[Betty Anderson]

Father, it's coming closer. It's a ghost. It's a big white boat.

[Bud Anderson]

Oh, boy.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

All right, we've got you covered. Stay where you are.

[Margaret Anderson]

You folks folks?

[Jim Anderson]

Yes, we're a folks. Who are you?

[Caretaker]

Oh, I'm the new caretaker. Just moved in tonight. And I'm not sure I like this job, Jim.

[Jim Anderson]

You see, there wasn't anything to be afraid of.

[Caretaker]

Maybe there ain't now, but I was sure scared before. You see, for a while, I figured maybe you was ghosts.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

When you buy coffee, you certainly want to get the most in flavor for your money. And you know the world's greatest coffee expert can help you find it. Yes, ma'. Am. Just set a steaming cup of Maxwell in front of your husband. He's the number one expert. Watch him smile at the first sip.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

Listen to him say, best coffee I ever tasted.

[Jim Anderson]

Right.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

Then you'll know you found the flavor. You'll know that Maxwell House is your coffee.

[Bud Anderson]

Buy.

[Maxwell House Coffee Expert]

Bring home a pound of Maxwell House tomorrow. See how much your husband enjoys every cupful and count all the truly good cups of coffee you get from just one of those familiar blue tins. We think you'll be convinced that Maxwell House Coffee gives you the most for your money. Because it's always good to the last drop.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

The horrible night is over. At last the Andersons are home, safe and happy. And as they dig into their breakfast cereal, Jim tells them exactly how foolish

[Jim Anderson]

they've been like this. I've never been so ashamed of anyone in my entire life. Why? You acted as though we were living in the Middle Ages.

[Bud Anderson]

I wasn't scared, dad.

[Kathy Anderson]

You certainly were.

[Bud Anderson]

I certainly wasn't.

[Kathy Anderson]

You were just as scared as anybody. Wasn't he, Kathy? He wasn't as scared as I was. I was real scared.

[Bud Anderson]

Of what?

[Jim Anderson]

Everything had a logical explanation, didn't it, Jim? Hello, Margaret. You finally decided to come to the party, huh? You haven't said a word since we sat down at the table.

[Margaret Anderson]

Jim, there was a phone call before you got up.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh? Who was it?

[Margaret Anderson]

Will Palmer. He said he hadn't been able to sleep a wink all night.

[Jim Anderson]

Good. Serves him right. What'd he want?

[Margaret Anderson]

He wants you to call him.

[Jim Anderson]

What for? We just saw him yesterday.

[Margaret Anderson]

He wants you to tell him how you did that trick where the bridge table floats in the air.

[Jim Anderson]

Oh, no. Tell the kids it's a hot favorite with Hoppy. That's hot post wheat meal. And if you have trouble getting the youngsters to eat a hot cereal, just tell them how much Hopalong Cassidy loves that rich brown hot post wheat meal. Post wheat meal is chock full of good solid nourishment. It has a wonderful nut like flavor. It cooks in just three and a half minutes. And tell the kids it's Hoppy's favorite hot post wheat meal. You'll see. You'll all agree it's the best hot cereal you ever ate.

[Narrator/Maxwell House Announcer]

Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Vargy of the Maxwell House Orchestra and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee, always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations.

[Jim Anderson]

Robert Young again reminding you to stay tuned for Dragnet on NBC.

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