
Fibber McGee And Molly 35-04-16 (0001) The Motorcycle Cop, the Judge and Fibber
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Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
The makers of Johnson's Auto Wax present a new show featuring Rico Marcelli's orchestra, Kathleen Wells, those two harmoniacs, Ronnie and Van. And starring that ambulating ananias, that humbug of the highways, that merittricious motorist, Fiber McGee with his constant companion and severest critic, Molly. Well, what are you doing? Fiber? Will you stop rattling that script in this microphone?
Singer / Vocalist
This ain't a script.
Fibber McGee
It's a road map.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
A road map?
Fibber McGee
Yeah. You see this here map shows Route 42 and Route 16. Molly wants us to take Route 42, but I claim that 16 is more smoother, more straighter, more faster ever.
Molly McGee
Regie, come back here.
Fibber McGee
I guess we'll take 42.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, 42 or Route 60. Marcelli and his men find it all smooth sailing when assisted by those surf riding surfs from the surface station gustoff and bright skin.
Fibber McGee
It's.
Singer / Vocalist
We're going to head soon. Sailing, sailing like ships that sea will.
Fibber McGee
Merrily breathe along without his moon.
Singer / Vocalist
Sailing, sailing when the Bree may blow we'll merrily roll along. Never mind about the weather Let it rain or let it shine and kind of we're together this is all a true kind of sailing Me, me sailing One happy tide will merrily ride.
Fibber McGee
Sam.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
And now we find fibber and Molly McGee chugging down Route 42.
Molly McGee
McGee, do you hear that?
Fibber McGee
You mean that number three cylinder? I know I told that fellow back there to adjust the plug to the thickness of the dime. But he must use two nickels.
Molly McGee
Why am I in the dime? I don't mean a nickel and I don't mean a dime. I mean a copper. Huh? Listen, would you. Don't look back. You will go Through a red light, will you, McGee?
Fibber McGee
Just. I tell you that light wasn't lit, Molly.
Molly McGee
Yes, and my uncle Tim wears a collar, but he's no harm, I tell you.
Fibber McGee
Magee will do for something here. All right.
Police Sergeant
Hello over there.
Fibber McGee
You.
Molly McGee
Here it is, McGee. And I didn't even have time to hang out the Notre Dame tenants.
Fibber McGee
Don't worry, Molly. I'll handle this. Good evening, sergeant.
Molly McGee
Nice cool evening, ain't it?
Police Sergeant
Yeah, but it'll be warmer any minute. Or maybe the. Or maybe the cooler for you. Now, what's the idea of passing the red light back there, huh? What's your name? What's your license number? Where you going? Where's your city sticker? What's the idea?
Molly McGee
Answer them one at a time, mcgee. Starting with the red light, remember?
Fibber McGee
Listen, officer, don't get flipped. My name's McGee and I'm president of.
Molly McGee
The ITCIOPUS and C local 82, which means the interactionist.
Fibber McGee
Now, tourist camp inspectors of the United States and Canada.
Molly McGee
Right.
Fibber McGee
I know some pretty big men around here. Fine.
Police Sergeant
A judge is 6 foot 3. Now follow me and no bunky business.
Fibber McGee
Yeah.
Molly McGee
My, my, it's awful hot driving in July, ain't it, mcgee?
Fibber McGee
July? This year is April.
Molly McGee
Sure, in 90 days it'll be July.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Oh, no.
Fibber McGee
Oh, Molly, ain't that serious. I tell you that red light wasn't lit. And I'll plead this case till the cows come home.
Molly McGee
Listen well to the judge's gavel, mcgee. It's the only knock that ain't a boot.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Silence in the court. Officer, what's the man charged with?
Police Sergeant
Fasten up a red light at the junction, your honor.
Fibber McGee
Your honor, the light wasn't lit. Silence.
Police Sergeant
That don't make any difference, your honor. That light ain't working right. But it's a red light. And he should have stopped her.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
That light ought to be fixed.
Fibber McGee
Schwartz. Schwartz, is it?
Molly McGee
And me wasting me sweet Irish wives on a guy named Schwartz.
Fibber McGee
Quiet. Quiet.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Madam, what's Your name? Defendant?
Fibber McGee
McGee. Paper McGee, your honor. One of the old Nebraska McGee. One of the oldest and most respectable.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
All right, never mind. I realize that it's difficult to see that light. Nevertheless, we must impose caution on all motorists. And it is obvious that it is a red light, lit or not. Now what have you to say, McGraw?
Fibber McGee
McGee it is. And I got this here to say I'm a law abiding citizen and that their red light wasn't lit. If it had been lit, I'd have known it was a red light. But a red light, that ain't lit ain't a red light on account of because a light that ain't lit ain't a light. Then if it's gotta be lit to be a red light and it ain't lit, then it ain't a red light. If a red light is the kind of a light a red light ought to be, it'd be a lit light, not a dead light. A dead red light ain't no more a red light than a lit light is a dead light. And I claims that anytime my headlight sees a dead light, red light or no red light, and I ride right by the light, I'm in my right. Come on, Molly. Well.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, Fibber. What are you doing back here? The last time I saw of you, you were before a justice of the peace.
Fibber McGee
Yeah, but you see, me and Molly decided they wasn't no justice. No, we're going to King of Peace. No rattler could rip her, no python could nip her for she was the last word in class. Sweet flossy, find me the lovely fake charmer who fell for a snake in the grass she shunned all the geezers on the flying trapezers and let all the acrobats pass Ah but sweet flossy farmer the lovely snake charmer Went boom. For a snake in the grass Take it away, Molly. He didn't care for his rind afterwards he didn't care for his hips at the stuff Molly. She flittered and fluttered at each word he uttered the scoundrel had plenty of brass, he did that but when they started kissing the snake started hissing for he for the snake in the grass no bull constrictor has slapped her or kicked her she had them all doped up with gas but sweet flossy farmer the lovely snake charmer Was doped by a snake in the grass why even the dwarf the giants tried out their defiance they saw through her lover like glass they did that. Ah, but sweet frosty farmer the lovely snake charmer was next For a snake in the grass Stare into it, Molly.
Molly McGee
She didn't care for his team.
Fibber McGee
Come on now, molly. The old spark. Now. I'll pay him for salary. Pay him. The snakes overheard the poor lad and it isn't surprising they filled him with P for he was a.
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Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
What do you have to lose?
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Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Oh, thank you, folks. A bright song with a bright finish. And listen, listeners, here's the way to protect the bright finish on your car from the ultraviolet rays of the sun now that the hot summer days are coming in.
Fibber McGee
Excuse me, Mike.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Mr. Carwack, not Carwack. My name is Wilcox. Harlow Wilcox.
Fibber McGee
Oh, yes. Well, anyhow, I don't think you're giving folks the right picture on the Johnson Waterway.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Oh, I see. I suppose you could do it much better.
Fibber McGee
Ain't got the slightest doubt of it, my boy. I'd make a kind of a stranger like this once upon a time. But maybe. Maybe I better have a fan player. Mr. Marshmelly Marshelli. Oh, yes. Thanks, folks. Once upon a time there was two kids. Violet and Ray.
Stu / Singer
You get it?
Fibber McGee
Violet, Ray. They don't get it, Molly.
Molly McGee
Taint funny, McGee.
Fibber McGee
Well, sir, there was never a dull moment with Violet and Ray. They improved each shining hour, you might say, keeping the finish off and car. So on Sunday morning, Violet says to Ray, Ray, she says, I'm just hungry to spoil the finish onto a nice shiny car. Now there's a bright gleaming job down there. Come on, let's ruin it. Hooray, says K. Earl. Okay, says Ray. And down they come, right onto the nice shiny car. But twasn't no use. After 10 hours they give up. Why shuck, says Violet to Ray, we ain't making no impression. Ain't we got any personality anymore? And Ray just laughs. Look, says he to Violet, this here car's got Johnson's Auto Wax onto it. That's what makes it so bright. That's why we ain't gettin nowhere spoiling. That's what you get, Violet, says Ray, for picking out this nice shiny car. What you mean that's what I get? Says Violet. And Ray just laughs and says, for being so ultra violet. Fanfare.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Thank you for everything. You. That was terrible. That was splendid.
Fibber McGee
Well, I'm glad to help you out anytime, my boy.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, well, you certainly spoiled my story, Fiber. So I'm going to ask Marelli to give me time to think while he finds rhythm in the rain.
Fibber McGee
It.
Singer / Vocalist
I love the rhythm of the raindrops. You hear the sister clattering rhythm of the raindrops While I'm situ scatter I walk between the raindrops I love the rhythm of the rain. I met you underneath the raindrop I was a lucky color for underneath the rain drops we shared the same umbrella and underneath the raindrops we learned the rhythm of the rain Just like the rain he showers each flower is new High awaits the hour.
Fibber McGee
How about the Rusty can run you.
Singer / Vocalist
Anytime he sees a raindrop.
Fibber McGee
And here the picture panic.
Singer / Vocalist
Come out and meet the raindrop and you can do it beneath the raindrop. You'll love the rhythm of the rain.
Fibber McGee
Sam. It.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that I've considered it, that story that Bibber Magee told you about Violet and Ray wasn't such a fairy tale as it sounded. Johnson's Auto Wax does protect your car so that the ultraviolet rays of the sun cannot destroy the finish. Wax actually saves the finish of your car against the onslaught of sun, rain and road fill. Now, before you wax your car, of course you want to take off all the old grease and dirt that's been collecting on you. The simple way to get that dirty film off is to use Johnson's Auto Cleaner. It's the easiest cleaner you ever use and it positively will not hurt the finish. Johnson's Auto Cleaner will make your car bright as new and Johnson's Auto Wax will keep it that way. Keep it so beautiful the neighbors will actually believe you have a new car. Drive into a service station and tell them to make your car shine like it did the day it was first driven out of the showroom. They can do it in short order with Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. Or if you prefer, you can easily wax your own car. Thousands of owners are doing it. Just ask your regular dealer or service station for Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. And your dealer, by the way, will give you free a can of fine quality auto enamel for touching up worn or rusty spots on your car. But more about this free offer later. In the meantime, I'd like to present Ms. Kathleen Wells. And personally, ladies and gentlemen, I think the silver is on the wrong end of that name because she certainly is swell. Ms. Kathleen Wells. Miss Wells. Miss Wells is going to sing. Well, what do you want, fibber?
Fibber McGee
Oh, not you, boy.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
I get it.
Fibber McGee
Hi there, Stu. What you going to sing for me.
Stu / Singer
If the Moon Turns Green, Fiber.
Fibber McGee
If the moon turns green, huh? Well, you ought to know if it doesn't know you're a kind of a heavenly body yourself.
Molly McGee
Dipper Magee. Come with me.
Fibber McGee
Go on and turn it. Reading suit.
Stu / Singer
If the moon turns green and cattle get up and walk around. Clouds come tumbling to the ground. I wouldn't be surprised. Or didn't you fall in love with me? Did the stars turn blue. And willows that we begin to sing.
Fibber McGee
Winter changes industry.
Stu / Singer
I wouldn't raise my eyes. Or didn't you fall in love with me? I thought I was foolish. To think of romance. With someone so charming as you.
Fibber McGee
Thought.
Stu / Singer
I was hoping without any chance. But every hope came true. If the moon turns green and rivers begin to blow up streams. And this is all a crazy dream. I wouldn't be surprised. Cause anything can happen. If you can fall and love with me. How I believe in miracles. Honestly, I do. No wonder I get miracles. About that certain miracle that gave me you. Oh, I thought I was fooling the change of romance. But someone as charming as you thought I was hoping without any chance. But every hope came true. With the moon turning green and rivers begin to snow upstream. And this is all a crazy dream. How wouldn't be surprised. Cause anything can happen, dear. If you can fall in love.
Fibber McGee
With me.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
With the help of a vocal triangle Finds it Love lives just around the corner.
Fibber McGee
Sam. Go, Sam.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
And now we find Fibber and Molly. Still chugging along and pulling into a filling station. Good evening, sir. Gasoline?
Molly McGee
Sure.
Fibber McGee
Fill it up halfway.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Yes, sir. Any oil?
Fibber McGee
Do I need oil, Molly? I don't know, Maggie.
Molly McGee
Why do you squeak?
Fibber McGee
No oil. Nice little station you got here, son.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Yep, but I'm building onto it next month. So I can handle washing and waxing.
Fibber McGee
Been in business long?
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Oh, ever since I got out of the army.
Fibber McGee
Don't tell me you was in the army. What division?
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
The Rainbow. Why?
Fibber McGee
Well, they had a swell record. Boy, I was into the intelligence myself.
Molly McGee
The what, McGee?
Fibber McGee
The intelligence.
Stu / Singer
The what?
Fibber McGee
The infantry, that is, at first. And then I was into the cavalry and the Navy and the Foreign Legion. By jing. Boy, there's a great outfit, the Foreign Legion. You know, the Foreign Legion is the toughest, hardest boiled bunch of fellows in the world. Most of us went into it to forget. Just. Just forget.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, what were you forgetting, sir?
Fibber McGee
I forgot.
Molly McGee
You forgot what, Magee?
Fibber McGee
I forgot what I went in to forget. That's why I reenlisted. See, if I could remember what I joined up the first time to forget.
Molly McGee
What was that, an army or a memory?
Stu / Singer
Course, Magee.
Fibber McGee
Ah, I'll never forget one thing, though.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
What was that, sir?
Fibber McGee
Ermentrude? Aha.
Molly McGee
A gurtly.
Fibber McGee
Well, in A way. Ermentrude was a camel. A girl camel, you see. I was assigned to the 3rd Camel Corps. These was camels, not apples. Ermentrude was a racing camel. I had real sweet tempered camel, as camels go.
Molly McGee
And did she go?
Fibber McGee
No, but I did.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Oh, so you left the Foreign Legion.
Fibber McGee
Yes. And the hardest thing I ever done was to part with old Ermentude. Many's the time we used to ride over the desert together in the gloaming. Many's the time I'd get off to get a drink at the well into the hot sand. Then I'd put my foot onto Ermentrude's knee and say, waska mula. And up she raised me into the saddle. Ah, yes, sir. As I says, the hardest thing I ever done into my life was to leave Ermentrude. I'll never forget how her lips kind of quivered when I says goodbye. I got a big lump into my own throat.
Molly McGee
He swallowed his tobacco?
Fibber McGee
No, sir. Twas emotion. Oh, well, sir, I left the Legion. Too many foreigners into it. But years later, I was here in New York one full day, and I went in to get me an overcoat.
Molly McGee
In a rest interrupt?
Fibber McGee
No, in a clothing store. How do you do? Mr. McGee says hurt. Real respectful. I was well known in New York.
Molly McGee
In them days, and Silly was respectful.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, what happened then, sir?
Fibber McGee
Well, I'm coming to it. I want overcoat, I says to the feller. Okay, says he, reaching over to the rack. Here's a snappy number in camel's hair, says he. And I looked her over. And will you believe it, son? Right square, smack dab into the middle of the shoulder was a little oblong patch of white hair. It was Ermentrude.
Stu / Singer
Yes, sir.
Fibber McGee
Twas Ermentrude back with her old master again. Shut trapper and I busted down.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
That must have been a great moment.
Fibber McGee
Sure.
Molly McGee
Why didn't you reenlist to forget that, Magee?
Fibber McGee
It was too late. Ermentrude was Overcoat by then. Oh, well, sir, I bought the coat. I bought Ermentrude, and I wore her for years. It was an expensive coat, and I busted me. But nothing was too good for Ermentrude, Pastor. Every time it got cold, I could feel Hermetrue wrap herself around me real close, trying to snuggle up confectioners like she was like that. How much gas put in, boy?
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Five gallons.
Fibber McGee
Give her another two quarts. Might as well have enough.
Molly McGee
No, never mind.
Fibber McGee
I don't want to crowd the tank.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
How much I owe you 91 cents. Thank you. Oh, by the way, whatever became of Ermentrude?
Fibber McGee
Oh, dear. That was the sad part of it all. One day I got caught in a revolving door. Tore Ermentrude's arm off. There was nothing else to do, so I went out and shot the coat.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to tell you about a free offer.
Molly McGee
Yep. Next week, folks, we're going to gift.
Fibber McGee
Everybody listening a new car penny. Make you ask for all you got to do. Hey, quit pushing me, Harpo.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Not Harpo. My name is Harlow.
Fibber McGee
Quit pushing anyhow.
Narrator / Harlow Wilcox
Well, Biver McGee is just a little bit wrong. Folks, we're not giving away any free cars. But with every purchase of Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner, we are giving away a 40 cent can of Johnson's Touch Up Enamel. There's a brush right with the can and it's a cinch to touch up any little scratches or broken places in the finish on your fenders or the body of the car. Now, there's a special introductory price of 98 cents for both Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. And you can get the can of Touch Up Enamel free. Better go to your regular wax dealer or service station right away with your 98 cents and ask for Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. Then clean and wax your car the first chance you get and surprise your family with a car that looks like new. Don't forget, next week at this time, you have a bright and shining date with Johnson's Auto wax and fibber McGee and Molly. This is Harlow Wilcox speaking. Good night. This is the national broadcast Company.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harlow Wilcox (Narrator)
Main Cast: Fibber McGee, Molly McGee
Date: January 4, 2026
Original Air Date: April 16, 1935
This episode of Fibber McGee and Molly blends signature comedy, witty banter, and musical segments—all centered around the misadventures of Fibber and Molly on a road trip. The storyline follows Fibber as he’s pulled over by a motorcycle cop, tries to talk his way out of a traffic ticket before an exasperated judge, and later regales the gang at a filling station with tall tales from his colorful past. The humor is rapid-fire and playful, capturing the golden age of radio's family-friendly spirit, while weaving in musical numbers and classic sponsor plugs.
“You see this here map shows Route 42 and Route 16. Molly wants us to take Route 42, but I claim that 16 is more smoother, more straighter, more faster ever.”
– Fibber McGee [01:49]
“That light wasn't lit, Molly.”
– Fibber McGee [05:03]
“I claim that anytime my headlight sees a dead light, red light or no red light, and I ride right by the light, I'm in my right.”
– Fibber McGee [08:05]
“Taint funny, McGee.”
– Molly McGee [12:25] (recurring catchphrase)
“Ermentrude was a camel...and will you believe it, son? Right square, smack dab into the middle of the shoulder was a little oblong patch of white hair. It was Ermentrude.”
– Fibber McGee [27:16]
“There was nothing else to do, so I went out and shot the coat.”
– Fibber McGee [28:16]
“Well, Biver McGee is just a little bit wrong. Folks, we're not giving away any free cars. But with every purchase of Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner, we are giving away a 40 cent can of Johnson's Touch Up Enamel.”
– Harlow Wilcox [28:53]
Classic vaudeville-inspired, fast-paced, and filled with wordplay, running gags, and affectionate bickering between Fibber and Molly. The sponsor interludes are part of the humor, rather than an interruption. Period songs add a musical touch, and the blending of comedy with the nostalgia of early radio shines through.
This episode is a quintessential snapshot of 1930s radio comedy—family-friendly, zany, and enduringly charming.