Fibber McGee And Molly 35-04-16 (0001) The Motorcycle Cop, the Judge and Fibber

Summary

Podcast Summary: Fibber McGee And Molly 35-04-16 (0001) The Motorcycle Cop, the Judge and Fibber

Introduction In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled "The Motorcycle Cop, the Judge and Fibber," listeners are taken on a humorous journey with the beloved characters Fibber McGee and Molly. Set against the backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, the episode weaves together comedic mishaps, witty dialogues, and engaging musical interludes, encapsulating the charm that made these characters timeless.

Fibber and Molly’s Road Trip Begins The episode opens with Fibber McGee planning a road trip with his ever-patient wife, Molly. Early on, Fibber’s enthusiasm for taking Route 42 over Route 16 sets the stage for the ensuing adventures.

• Fibber McGee (01:31): “It's a road map. You see, this here map shows Route 42 and Route 16. Molly wants us to take Route 42, but I claim that 16 is more.”

Despite Molly’s preference for Route 42, Fibber convinces her to embark on Route 16, promising a smoother and faster journey. However, this decision leads to unexpected challenges, showcasing Fibber’s knack for getting into amusing predicaments.

Encounter with the Motorcycle Cop and Courtroom Comedy As Fibber and Molly continue their journey, Fibber’s driving comes under scrutiny. They are pulled over by a stern Sergeant, leading to a comedic courtroom showdown.

• Fibber McGee (04:36): “I mean a copper. Huh?”
• Sergeant Wilcox (05:14): “What's the idea of passing the red light back there, huh? What's your name? What's your license number? Where you go? Why'd you sit your sticker?”

Fibber’s elaborate defense that the red light wasn’t lit sparks laughter and disbelief in court. His attempt to argue that an unlit red light shouldn’t warrant a stop results in a series of humorous exchanges with Judge Schwartz.

• Fibber McGee (07:04): “Your honor, the light wasn't lit.”
• Judge Schwartz (07:16): “That don’t make any difference.”

The courtroom scene is a highlight of the episode, showcasing Fibber’s talent for turning a simple traffic violation into a farcical legal battle.

Musical Interlude: Molly’s Song Amidst the chaos, Molly takes center stage with a heartfelt song that adds a melodic charm to the episode. Her rendition of "If the Moon Turns Green" provides a tender contrast to the comedic elements, highlighting the enduring love and resilience of the couple.

• Molly McGee (19:00): “If the moon turns green and shadows get up and walk around... I wouldn’t be surprised.”

This musical break not only entertains but also deepens the emotional connection between the characters and the audience.

Johnson's Auto Wax Commercial Segment In true old-time radio fashion, the episode seamlessly integrates a commercial segment for Johnson's Auto Wax. Fibber humorously disrupts the advertisement by interjecting his own stories, blending promotion with narrative humor.

• Harlow Wilcox (17:16): “Johnson's Auto Wax does protect your car so that the ultraviolet rays of the sun cannot destroy the finish.”
• Fibber McGee (11:00): “Once upon a time there were two kids, Violet and Ray...”

Fibber’s playful interference and storytelling not only promote the product but also maintain the episode’s light-hearted tone.

Filling Station Visit and the Tale of Ermentrude Returning to their road trip, Fibber and Molly stop at a filling station owned by the charismatic Harlow Wilcox. This scene introduces an amusing backstory about Fibber’s time in the Foreign Legion and his attachment to a racing camel named Ermentrude.

• Fibber McGee (25:11): “Ermentrude was a racing camel. I had a real sweet-tempered camel, as camels go.”

Fibber’s nostalgic recounting of his adventures with Ermentrude adds depth to his character, showcasing his penchant for quirky and endearing anecdotes.

• Fibber McGee (27:45): “Twas Ermentrude back with her old master again. Shuck effort. And I busted down.”

The mishap involving Ermentrude’s arm and Fibber’s humorous reaction to parting with the camel further highlight his affable and comical nature.

Conclusion As the episode draws to a close, Fibber and Molly continue their journey with their trademark blend of humor and love. The interactions with Sergeant Wilcox, the courtroom antics, and the charming side stories culminate in a delightful narrative that underscores the enduring appeal of Fibber McGee and Molly.

• Harlow Wilcox (29:10): “We're not giving away any free cars. But with every purchase of Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner, we are giving away a 40 cent can of Johnson's Touch Up Enamel.”

The episode wraps up with Fibber’s final remarks and a promise of more adventures to come, leaving listeners eagerly anticipating the next installment.

Notable Quotes

• Fibber McGee (07:48): “I claims that anytime my headlight sees a dead light... I'm in my right.”
• Molly McGee (19:28): “I wouldn’t be surprised ‘Cause anything can happen, dear. If you can fall in love with me.”

Conclusion "The Motorcycle Cop, the Judge and Fibber" is a quintessential episode that encapsulates the essence of old-time radio humor and storytelling. Through a mix of witty dialogue, engaging plots, and memorable musical segments, Fibber McGee and Molly deliver a narrative that is both entertaining and endearing, perfectly embodying the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

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[Fibber McGee]

Wayfair.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Every style.

[Fibber McGee]

Every home.

[Harlow Wilcox]

The makers of Johnson's Auto Wax present a new show featuring Rico Marcelli's orchestra, Kathleen Wells, those two harmoniacs, Ronnie and Van. And starring that ambulating ananias, that humbug of the highways, that meretricious motorist, Bibber McGee, with his constant companion and severest critic, Molly. Well, what are you doing? Pipper, will you stop rattling that script? This microphone. This ain't a script.

[Fibber McGee]

It's a road map.

[Harlow Wilcox]

A road map? Yeah.

[Fibber McGee]

You see, this here map shows Route 42 and Route 16. Molly wants us to take Route 42, but I claim that 16 is more.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Smoother, more straighter, more faster.

[Fibber McGee]

Mr. McGee, come back here. I guess we take 42.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, well, 42 or root 60. Marcelli and his men find it all smooth sailing when assisted by those surf riding surfs from the surface Station Dustoff and bright SK Will merrily breathe along without his moon Sailing, sailing When the breeze may blow we'll merrily roll along Never mind about the weather Let it rain or let it shine and kind of grin together this is all it's two of the kind of one gets me Sailing smooth, smooth sailing One happy tide will merrily ride and now we find fiber and Molly McGee chugging down Route 42.

[Molly McGee]

McGee, do you hear that?

[Fibber McGee]

You mean that number three cylinder? I know I told that fella back there to adjust the plugs to the thickness of the dime, but he must use two nickels. Why am I the dime? I don't mean a nickel, and I don't mean a dime. I mean a copper. Huh?

[Molly McGee]

Listen, will you.

[Fibber McGee]

Don't look back. You will go through a red light, will you, McGee? Just. I tell you, that light wasn't lit, Molly. Yes, and my Uncle Tim wears a collar, but he's no heart. I tell him if he will do for something here.

[Harlow Wilcox]

All right, all over there, you.

[Fibber McGee]

Here it is, McGee. And I didn't even have time to hang out the Notre Dame tenants. Don't worry, Molly. I'll handle this. Good evening, Sergeant. Nice cool evening, ain't It.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Yeah, but it'll be warmer any minute. Or maybe the. Or maybe the cooler for you. Now, what's the idea of passing the red light back there, huh? What's your name? What's your license number? Where you go? Why'd you sitting sticker?

[Fibber McGee]

What's the idea? Answer them one at a time, McGee. Starting with the red light, remember? Listen, officer, don't get flipped. My name's McGee and I'm president of the IT Ciopus and C local 82. Which means the international Tourist Camp Inspectors of the United States and Canada.

[Molly McGee]

Right.

[Fibber McGee]

I know some pretty big men around here.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Fine. A judge is six foot three. Now follow me. And no bunky business, you hear?

[Fibber McGee]

My, my, it's awful hot driving in July, ain't it, McGee? July? This here is April. Sure, and in 90 days it'll be July. Oh, no. Oh, Molly, ain't that serious. I tell you that red light wasn't lit. And I'll plead this case till the cows come home. Listen well to the judge's gavel, McGee. It's the only knock that ain't a boot.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Silence in the court. Officer, what's the man charged with? Passing up a red light at the junction, your honor.

[Fibber McGee]

Your honor, the light wasn't lit.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Silent. That don't make any difference. Your honor, that light ain't working right. But it's a red light and he should have stopped her. That light ought to be fixed. Schwartz.

[Fibber McGee]

Schwartz, is it? Let me waste from me sweet Irish wives on a guy named Schwartz.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Quiet. Quiet. Madam, what's your name? Defendant McGee.

[Fibber McGee]

Paper McGee, your honor. One of the old Nebraska McGee. One of the oldest and most respectable.

[Harlow Wilcox]

All right, never mind. I realize that it's difficult to see that light at the junction. Nevertheless, we must impose caution on all motorists. And it is obvious that it is a red light, lit or not. Now what have you to say? McGraw?

[Fibber McGee]

McGee it is. And I got this here to say. I'm a law abiding citizen and that there red light wasn't lit. If it had been lit, I'd have known it was a red light. But a red light that ain't lit ain't a red light on account of because the light that ain't lit ain't a light. And if it's gotta be lit to be a red light and it ain't lit, then it ain't a red light. If a red light is a kind of a light, a red light ought to be. It'd be a lit light, not a dead light. A dead red light. Ain't no more a red light than a lit light is a dead light and I claims that anytime my headlight sees a dead light Red light or no red light and I ride right by the light I'm in my right. Come on, Molly.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, well, Fibber. What are you doing back here? The last time I saw you, you were before a justice of the peace.

[Fibber McGee]

Yeah, but you see, me and Molly decided they wasn't no justice. Oh, we're going to sing a peace. No rattler could rip her no python could nip her for she was the last word in class Sweet glossy farmer the lovely snake charmer who fell for a snake in the grass she shunned all the geezers on the flying trapezers and let all the acrobats pass Ah, but sweet saucy farmer the lovely snake charmer Went boom for a snake in the grass Take it away, Molly.

[Molly McGee]

He didn't care for his right.

[Fibber McGee]

He.

[Molly McGee]

Didn'T care for his hips for.

[Fibber McGee]

At the scout, Molly she flittered and fluttered at each word he uttered the scoundrel had plenty of brass he did that but when they started kissing the snake started hissing for he was a snake in the grass no bull constrictor has slapped her or kicked her she had them all doped up with gas but sweet glossy farmer the lovely snake charmer Was doped by a snake in the grass why, even the poor fellow. The giants tried out their defiance they saw through her lover like last they did that Ah, but sweet frosty farmer the lovely snake charmer was next for a snake in the grass Stare into it, Molly.

[Molly McGee]

She didn't care for his team.

[Fibber McGee]

Come on now, Molly. The old smarty album her salary. Pay him. The snakes overheard the poor lad and it isn't surprising they filled him with P for he was a.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Oh, thank you, folks. A bright song with a bright finish. And listen, listeners, here's the way to protect the bright finish on your car from the ultraviolet rays of the sun now that the hot summer days are coming in.

[Fibber McGee]

Excuse me, Mike. Mr. Carwack.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Not Carwack. My name is Wilcox. Harlow Wilcox.

[Fibber McGee]

Oh, yes. Well, anyhow, I don't think you're giving folks the right picture on the Johnston Broadway.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Oh, I see. I suppose you could do it much better.

[Fibber McGee]

Ain't got the slightest doubt of it, my boy. I'd make a kind of a like this. Once upon a time, maybe. Maybe I better have a fan player. Mr. Marshmelly Marshelli. Oh, yes. Thanks.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Folks.

[Fibber McGee]

Once upon a time there was two kids Violet And Ray. You get it, Violet? Ray. They don't get it, Molly. Tain't funny, McGee. Well, sir, there was never a dull moment with Violet and Ray. They improved each shining hour, you might say, eating the finish off and car. So one Sunday morning, Violet says to Ray, Ray, she says, I'm just hungry to spoil the finish onto a nice shiny car. Now, there's a bright gleaming job down there. Come on, ruin it. Hooray, Says K. Earl. Okay, says Ray. And down they come, right onto the nice shiny car. Cousin's no use. After 10 hours, they give up. Why shuck, says Violet to Ray, we ain't making no impression. Ain't we got any personality anymore? And Ray just laughs. Look, says he to Violet, this here car's got Johnson's Auto Wax onto it. That's what makes it so bright. That's why we ain't getting nowhere spoiling it. That's what you get, Violet, says Ray, for picking out this nice shiny car. What you mean, that's what I get, says Violet. And Ray just laughs and says, for being so ultra violet. Fanflare.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Thank you, Flipper. Thank you. You. That was terrible. That was splendid.

[Fibber McGee]

Well, I'm glad to help you out anytime, my boy.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, well, you certainly spoiled my story, Fiber. So I'm going to ask Marcelli to give me time to think while he finds rhythm in the rain.

[Fibber McGee]

It.

[Harlow Wilcox]

I love the rhythm of the raindrops. You hear the fit the pattering rhythm of the raindrops. While I'm stitching scatter I walk between the raindrops. I love the rhythm of the rain. I met you underneath the raindrops. I was a lucky color. For underneath the rain drops we shared the same umbrella. And underneath the rain drops we learned the rhythm of the rain. Just like the rain can shower, each flower is new high awaits the hour.

[Fibber McGee]

How much of us we can run you for?

[Harlow Wilcox]

Any time he sees the raindrop and.

[Fibber McGee]

Here'S the pit of pter come halted.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Meet the rain drop and you can love the chatter it breaks beneath the rain. But you'll love the rhythm of the rain.

[Nicole Byer]

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[Fibber McGee]

Get that Wait, am I famous?

[Nicole Byer]

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[Fibber McGee]

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[Nicole Byer]

Learn [e-mail] Explore Platinum Terms apply.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that I've considered it, that story that Bibber McGee told you about Violet wasn't such a fairy tale as it sounded. Johnson's Auto Wax does protect your car so that the ultraviolet rays of the sun cannot destroy the finish. Wax actually saves the finish of your car against the onslaught of sun, rain and road film. Now, before you wax your car, of course you want to take off all the old grease and dirt that's been collecting on it. The simple way to get that dirty film off is to use Johnson's Auto Cleaner. It's the easiest cleaner you ever use, and it's positively will not hurt the finish. Johnson's Auto Cleaner will make your car bright as new, and Johnson's Auto Wax will keep it that way. Keep it so beautiful the neighbors will actually believe you have a new car. Drive into a service station and tell them to make your car shine like it did the day it was first driven out of the showroom. They can do it in short order with Johnson's Auto Wax sand cleaner, or if you prefer, you can easily wax your own car. Thousands of owners are doing it. Just ask your regular dealer or say station for Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. And your dealer, by the way, will give you free a can of fine quality auto enamel for touching up worn or rusty spots on your car. But more about this free offer later. In the meantime, I'd like to present Ms. Kathleen Wells. And personally, ladies and gentlemen, I think the S is on the wrong end of that name because she certainly is swells Ms. Kathleen Wells. Ms. Wells. Ms. Wells is going to sing. Well, what do you want, fibber?

[Fibber McGee]

Oh, not you, boy.

[Harlow Wilcox]

I get it.

[Fibber McGee]

Hi there, Stu. What you going to sing for me?

[Molly McGee]

If the Moon Turns Green Fiber if.

[Fibber McGee]

The moon Turns green. Well you ought to know if it doesn't know. You're a kind of a heavenly body yourself. Never make king. Come with me. Go on and turn it real too.

[Molly McGee]

If the moon turns green and shadows get up and walk around. Clouds come tumbling to the ground. I wouldn't be surprised. Or didn't you fall in love with me? If the stars turn blue and willows that we begin to sing. Winter changes into spring. I wouldn't raise my eyes. Cause didn't you fall in love with me? I thought I was foolish to think of romance with someone so charming as you thought I was hoping without any chance. But every hope came true. If the moon turns green and rivers begin to blow up trees. And this is all a crazy dream. I wouldn't be surprised. Cause anything can happen. If you can fall in love with me. How I believe in miracles. Honestly I do. No wonder I get miracles about that Certain miracles that gave me. Oh, I thought I was bully the change of romance with someone as charming as you. What I was hoping without any chance. But every hope came true. With the moon turning green and rivers begin to blow up stream. And this is all a crazy dream. How little is the sky. Cause anything can happen, dear. If you can fall in love with me.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Martelli, with the help of a vocal triangle. Finds that love lives just around the corner.

[Fibber McGee]

Sat love.

[Harlow Wilcox]

And now we find Fibber and Molly. Still chugging along and pulling into a filling station. Good evening, sir. Gasoline yours?

[Fibber McGee]

Fill it up to halfway.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Yes, sir. Any oil?

[Fibber McGee]

Do I need oil, Molly? I don't know, Magee. Where do you squeak? No oil. Nice little station you got here, son.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Yep, but I'm building onto it next month so I can handle washing and waxing.

[Fibber McGee]

Been in business long?

[Harlow Wilcox]

Oh, ever since I got out of the army.

[Fibber McGee]

Don't tell me you was in the army.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Sure.

[Fibber McGee]

What division?

[Harlow Wilcox]

The Rainbow. Why?

[Fibber McGee]

Well, they had a swap for your record, boy. I was into the intelligence myself. The what, McGee? The intelligence. The what? The infantry. That is, at first. And then I was into the cavalry and the Navy and the Foreign Legion. By jing, boy, there's a great outfit, the Foreign Legion. You know, the Foreign Legion is the toughest, hardest boiled bunch of fellows in the world. Most of us went into it to forget. Let's just forget.

[Harlow Wilcox]

What were you forgetting, sir?

[Fibber McGee]

I forgot. You forgot what, Magee? I forgot what I went in to forget. That's why I reenlisted. See if I could remember what I joined up the first time to forget. What was that, an army or a memory?

[Molly McGee]

Course, Magee.

[Fibber McGee]

Oh, I'll never forget one thing, though.

[Harlow Wilcox]

What was that, sir?

[Fibber McGee]

Ermentrude. Aha. Apparently. Well, in a way, Ermentrude was a camel. A girl camel. You see, I was assigned to the 3rd Camel Corps. These were camels, not apples. Ermentrude was a racing camel. I had. Real sweet tempered camel, as camels go. And did he go? No, but I did.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Oh, so you left the Foreign Legion?

[Fibber McGee]

Yes. And the hardest thing I ever done was to part with old Ermentrude. Many's the time we used to ride over the desert together in the gloaming. Many's the time I'd get off to get a drink at the well into the hot sand. Then I'd put my foot onto Ermentrude's knee and say, waska mula. And up she raised me into the saddle. Ah, yes, sir. As I says, the hardest thing I ever done into my life was to leave Ermentrude. I'll never forget how her lips kind of quivered when I says goodbye. I got the big lump into my own throat. He swallowed his tobacco? No, sir. Twas emotion. Well, sir, I left the Legion. Too many foreigners into it. But years later, I was here in New York one fall day, and I went in to get me an overcoat. Interrupt. Interrupt. No, in a clothing store. How do you do? Mr. Magee says, hurt. Real respectful. I was well known in New York as. And still he was respectful.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, what happened then, sir?

[Fibber McGee]

Well, I'm coming to it. I want overcoat, I says to the feller. Okay, says he, reaching over to the rack. Here's a snappy number in camel's hair, says he. And I looked her over. And will you believe it, son, right square, smack dab into the middle of the shoulder was a little oblong patch of white hair. It was Ermentrude.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, sir.

[Fibber McGee]

Twas Ermentrude back with her old master again. Shuck effort. And I busted down.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Oh, dear. That must have been a great moment.

[Molly McGee]

Sure.

[Fibber McGee]

Why didn't you reenlist to forget that, Magee? It was too late. Ermentrude was overcoat by then. Oh, well, sir, I bought the coat. I bought Ermentrude and I wore her for years. It was expensive coat and Britain I busted me. But nothing was too good for Ermentrude. Pastor, have you. Every time it got cold, I could feel Ermie Trude wrap herself around me real close, trying to snuggle up confectioners like. She was like that, Ermie was how.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Much gas put in Boy, five gallons.

[Fibber McGee]

Give her another two quarts. Might as well have enough. No, never mind. I don't want to crowd the tank. How much I owe you?

[Harlow Wilcox]

91 cents. Thank you. Oh, by the way, whatever became of Ermentrude?

[Fibber McGee]

Oh, dear. That was the sad part of it all. One day I got caught in a revolving door and tore Ermentrude's arm off. There was nothing else to do, so I went out and shot the coat for now.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to tell you about a free offer.

[Fibber McGee]

Next week, folks, we're going to gift everybody listening a new car penny. Make you ask for it. All you got to do. Hey, quit pushing me, Harpo.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Not Harpo. My name is Harlow.

[Fibber McGee]

Well, quit pushing anyhow.

[Harlow Wilcox]

Well, Bibber McGee is just a little bit wrong. Folks. We're not giving away any free cars. But with every purchase of Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner, we are giving away a 40 cent can of Johnson's Touch Up Enamel. There's a brush right with the can and it's a cinch to touch up any little scratches or broken places in the finish on your fenders or the body of the car. Now, there's a special introductory price of 98 cents for both Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. And you can get the can of Touch Up Enamel free. Better go to your regular wax dealer or service station right away with your 98 cents and ask for Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. Then clean and wax your car the first chance you get and surprise your family with a car that looks like new. Don't forget, next week at this time you have a bright and shining date with Johnson's Auto wax and fibber McGee and Molly. This is Harlow Wilcox speaking. Good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.

[Nicole Byer]

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