Fibber McGee and Molly 35-10-07 0026 How to Ride a Bicycle

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Fibber McGee and Molly 35-10-07 0026 How to Ride a Bicycle"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: January 24, 2026
Original Air Date: October 7, 1935
Host: Featured characters Fibber McGee and Molly
Theme: Comedy, nostalgia, and family entertainment from the Golden Age of Radio

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Episode Overview

In this classic comedy episode, "How to Ride a Bicycle," Fibber McGee, Molly, and a visiting neighbor girl engage in a lighthearted exploration of learning to ride and perform bicycle tricks. The fun revolves around Fibber’s tall tales, his attempt to show off his (questionable) cycling prowess, slapstick mishaps, and the warm domestic humor that made the show a staple of early American radio.

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Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Musical Performances and Product Spots

• [02:33] “A Bicycle Built for Two” is performed by Marcelli’s orchestra in various styles, setting the bicycle theme in motion and adding a whimsical flavor.
• Johnson’s Glo Coat, the episode’s sponsor, is touted in energetic historical ads – part of the vintage radio episode’s charm.

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2. Sweeping Up at Home, Bicycle Sightings, and Introductions

• [06:33] Scene shifts to Molly sweeping the porch and Fibber lounging on the steps.

  • Molly: “Every time we go away for a day, the dust sure piles up. I almost hate to come home and see how dirty things have gotten.”
  • Fibber (pun intended): “Don’t you remember? To dust you shall return.”
  • [07:13] Molly retorts in classic tone: “Ain’t funny, Magee.”

• [07:37] A young neighbor girl comes riding up on her bicycle and is introduced as Helen (after a comedic guess by Fibber that her name is Beatrice).

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3. Fibber’s Bicycle Bragging and Bumbling

• [08:46] Fibber launches into his trademark tall tales, claiming to have been “Cycle McGee, the side wheeling sensation of the circuit,” and credits himself with outlandish vaudeville cycling feats.

  • Fibber: "You come to the right place. I'll give you a couple of pointers on the bicycle riding."
  • He describes “dipper cycles” and backward unicycle rope rides, ending in a cafeteria with a “piece of lemon pie” that turns out to be coconut cream.
    [09:44-10:09]
  • “Only thing was, the lemon pie turned out to be coconut cream, and I had to go back and change it.”

• [11:04] Fibber attempts to demonstrate mounting the bicycle, getting his pants caught, and suggesting he should change into blue striped shorts.

  • Molly (shutting it down): “You'll do nothing of the kind, Magee. Shorts is shorts, but your shorts is underwear." [12:12]

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4. The Bumpy Bicycle Lesson

• [12:23] Fibber finally sets off on the bicycle, wobbling down the street to Molly and Helen's amusement.

  • Helen (sarcastically): "I guess the psycho sensation of the century is a little out of practice.” [12:39]

• [13:00] The crucial twist: Helen realizes, too late, that the bicycle’s brake doesn’t work.

  • Helen: "Oh, I forgot. The brake doesn’t work."
  • Molly: “Fall off, Magee. You know how to do that.”
  • As Fibber frantically circles, Molly and Helen decide to go in for tea, unconcerned about his predicament.

Memorable moment:
- [13:34] As Fibber cries, “The brakes don't work!” Molly considers getting “pillows and a mattress,” but instead leaves him to run it out, remarking, "I think McGee’s discovered something–perpetual motion."

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5. Tall Tales Over Tea – The African Cycling Expedition

• [20:02] In the kitchen, Molly teases Fibber about his bike mishap as Helen laments not seeing any trick riding.

  • Fibber: "I’ll never forget the time I rid across Africa on a hunting trip onto a bicycle."
  • He spins a wild yarn about being captured by cannibals, tap-dancing around the evidence with wordplay and absurd details:
    • [21:19] "Cape Town to Tripoli. Made it in 22 days. Exactly. Would have made it in 15 and a half if it hadn't been for being captured by cannibals up into the Belgian Congo."
    • [22:41] “Easy. One of them had a salt shaker hung onto his left ear. Another one had a bunch of onions strung around his neck. Horseradish.”
  • Molly focuses on her groceries, alternating between disbelief and pragmatism.

• [25:19] The tall tale’s punchline:

  • Fibber: “Listen, toots, when you've been married as long as I have, being in the hot water won't bother you a bit.”

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6. Musical Interludes and Comic Sign-off

• Several musical numbers are interspersed (“Why Dream?” and “You’re All I Need”), contributing to the mood and variety of old radio entertainment.
• [29:09] Final banter teases next week’s “amateur hour” episode, with promises that Fibber and Molly will play all the roles themselves, closing on a meta-joke:
  • Fibber: “Once a amateur, always a amateur. Don't forget that hustle.”
  • Wilcox (announcer): “Next Monday at this same time for the big amateur hour. Or I might say half amateur, half hour. This will probably be the amateur show to end all amateur shows or something.”

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Molly: "Ain’t funny, Magee." [07:13]
• Fibber: “To dust you shall return,” with Molly's classic groan. [07:08]
• Helen: “It's Helen, Molly. You live around here, Helen?” [08:07]
• Fibber (tall tales): “I was knowed all over the country as Cycle McGee, the side wheeling sensation of the circuit.” [09:23]
• Molly (underwear admonishment): “Shorts is shorts, but your shorts is underwear.” [12:12]
• Helen (on the lost brakes): “Oh, I forgot. The brake doesn’t work.” [13:02]
• Molly: “I think McGee’s discovered something. What’s that? Perpetual motion. My, he looks desperate.” [13:34]
• Fibber (cycling Africa): "Cape Town to Tripoli. Made it in 22 days." [21:19]
• Fibber (hot water punchline): “When you've been married as long as I have, being in the hot water won't bother you a bit.” [25:19]

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Important Timestamps

• [02:33] “A Bicycle Built for Two” musical segment
• [06:33] Porch sweeping & neighbor girl introduction
• [08:46] Fibber’s vaudeville bicycle tales begin
• [11:04] Mounting the bicycle and comedic pratfall
• [13:00-13:40] Bicycle brake fails, slapstick chaos
• [20:02] Tea in the kitchen and new tall tales
• [21:19-25:19] The “Africa by bicycle” saga
• [29:09] Comic preview for next week’s “amateur hour”

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Conclusion

This episode captures the wholesome, quick-witted, and absurd domestic humor that made Fibber McGee and Molly such a beloved show. With musical variety, energetic banter, and Fibber’s escalating tall tales, the story is a time capsule of vaudeville-style comedy and Depression-era escapism. Perfect for fans of classic radio or anyone looking for hearty, old-fashioned laughs.

Transcript

[A]

No two companies are alike. That's why the American Express corporate program can help you customize rewards, reporting and billing options all designed for your business. Build your program with American [e-mail] corporate terms apply. This is the National Broadcasting Company. This is wenr, the voice of Service Chicago leaving the air at this time until 8:30 this evening in favor of station WLS. Good evening, everyone. You are now listening to wls, the voice of Prairie Farmer, America's oldest farm paper.

[B]

Chicago.

[A]

The makers of Johnson's Wax mark up more Monday moments of masterful music and McGee madness with Rico Marcelli's orchestra, Betty Lou Gerson, the cleft dwellers, Lynn, Martin and Marion. And Jim as that blithesome brace of banterers, Fibber McGee and Molly. Now, before Marcelli gets down to some serious incubation, let's talk about floors for just half a minute. Do your floors look as bright and shining as you like to have them? Then let me suggest you order some Johnson's Glo Coat and watch the amazing transformation. Johnson's Glo Coat makes floors sparkle and gleam without a bit of rubbing or buffing. Look for Johnson's Glo Coat in the attractive yellow can. And now Marcelli and his men give us a bicycle built for two. In the original version, and as it would be played in Cuba, China, Ireland, Vienna and the Army. A bicycle built for two. Wheel it out, Marcelli.

[C]

Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer too I'm half crazy all for the love of you it won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage but you look sweet on the seat Of a bicycle built for two.

[D]

Sa.

[C]

It won't be a tiny merry I can't afford a carriage but you look sweet on the tip of a bicycle. Bill for gold.

[A]

Well, let's ride our Kilocycle. Built for 2 million down to 79. Wistful Vista where we find Molly sweeping the front porch as fibber ambitious Magee sits on the steps and sinks. Well, anyway, he's sitting on the steps.

[E]

My, my. Every time we go away for a day, the dust sure piles up. I almost hate to come home and see how dirty things have gotten.

[B]

Well, you can't do nothing about it. Molly says in the Bible that you'll.

[E]

Always come home to a dirty house. Where does it say that?

[B]

Don't you remember? To dust you shall return.

[E]

Don't you get it, Molly?

[B]

I says to dust.

[E]

Ain't funny, Magee. Okay, now move yourself out of the way whilst I sweep where you're Sitting?

[B]

Oh, it ain't dusty here. I've been sitting here for two hours.

[E]

Magee.

[D]

Huh?

[E]

Move.

[B]

Oh, oh, I get it. You want me to get to one side so's you can sweep here. Say, who's the gal? Molly?

[D]

Who?

[B]

Where riding up onto the bicycle.

[E]

Oh, her. Oh, she must be one of the neighbor girls, Magee. Real pretty, ain't she?

[B]

Oh, I dunno. I suppose she is into a kind of a skinny way. Hi there, Beatrice.

[D]

Hello.

[E]

How do you know what her name is, McGee? How do you know it's Beatrice?

[B]

I don't know. But that's a good way to find out and get off and rest for a night. Why don't you, Beatrice?

[F]

I guess I will. My name isn't Beatrice. It's Helen.

[B]

It's Helen Molly. You live around here, Helen?

[E]

Don't be so inquisitive, McGee.

[F]

Oh, it's all right. You're Mr. And Mrs. McGee, aren't you?

[E]

Sure we are.

[B]

How'd you know that, Helen? I got a laundry mark showing someplace.

[F]

I guess everybody around here knows about your winning this house in the raffle. I always ride my bicycle out this way.

[B]

You always get off the way you did then. Shucks, I thought you was going to zoom into a tailspin there for a mike.

[E]

Oh, McGee.

[F]

Well, I can't ride very good yet. I guess that's why I come out here away from everybody and everything.

[B]

What you mean? Oh, just learning to ride, huh?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, sir, Beatrice or Helen, you come to the right place. I'll give you a couple of pointers on the bicycle riding.

[E]

Oh, now, Magee, you.

[B]

You know, Helen, I used to be a trick rider in the vaudeville myself. Used to ride bicycle tricycles, unicycles and dipper cycles.

[F]

Dipper Cycles?

[B]

Yep, Dipper Cycles. Dipper Cycles was a kind of a bicycle with two saddles, one facing each way. I'd ride across the stage, give a leap and come down into the t' other saddle facing t' other way. Always used to get a big hand onto that trick.

[E]

A big hand with a hook.

[F]

Did you really ride a bicycle on the stage, Mr. McGee?

[B]

Who, me? Why shucks, toots. I was knowed all over the country as Cycle McGee. The side wheeling sensation of the sun.

[A]

Circuit.

[B]

Part of my act was where I rid a unicycle backwards down a rope from the balcony to the stage. I'll never forget the day my helper forgot to catch me as I whizzed onto the stage at about 80 mile an hour.

[F]

Gee, what happened?

[B]

Oh, nothing. I Crashed through the rear stage wall into a cafeteria next door. Zipped past the steam table, picked up a plate of chicken, two rolls of butter and a piece of lemon pie and a glass of milk. Flips off the wheel with a double backflip right at the only empty table in the joint. Or the plate. Only thing was, the lemon pie turned out to be coconut cream, and I had to go back and change it.

[F]

You forgot your spinach, didn't you?

[D]

Spinach?

[B]

I never ate spinach whilst I was riding, Toots. Too much iron into it. I couldn't afford to get rusty. Want me to show you a few tricks onto the bicycle?

[E]

Oh, I Wish you would, McGee. Don't you go busting up the girl's bicycle.

[B]

Hey, what you mean, busting it up? You keep your eye on Six Day McGee, toots. Six Day McGee, the circle and cycle sensation of the century. Hey, this here's a nice bike.

[F]

Yeah, I got it for my birthday.

[E]

It's a gift.

[B]

A gift, huh? So's riding it.

[D]

Mmm.

[B]

A B flat bell. Always used a. A sharp bell myself.

[E]

What are you turning the wheel around for, McGee? It's the same on both sides.

[B]

I know, but you always gotta mount these things from the left side like a horse.

[F]

Oh, I don't think you mount like a horse. I think you're very graceful.

[B]

Always thought so myself. Now, look, Toots, the idea is to get onto a wheel just like you get onto a horse. You put the right foot into the stirrup paddle. Well, don't be so fussy.

[E]

Now, be careful, McGee.

[B]

I won't get hurt. Molly.

[F]

Let him show me, Mrs. McGee.

[B]

You betcha, toots. That's the spirit. Why, mind the time. In 19 ought 18 us fellers of the Sycamore Cycle Club rode a tandem bike 2,200 miles in 32 hours and 12 minutes.

[F]

Eight of you. Eight of you rode one tandem bike. Why, there are only two handlebars on a tandem.

[B]

I know, but there was six sets of handlebar mustaches amongst us. Now watch. You put your left foot onto the pedal like this. Then you give a kind of a little hop and.

[E]

Oh, There you go, McGee, scratching the girl's bicycle all up like I told you not to.

[F]

Did you hurt yourself, Mr. McGee?

[B]

No, thanks. I got the cuff of my pants caught into the sprocket there. I should ought to be wearing them things you got on them runts short. Oh, yeah, sure. Hey, Molly, you suppose it'd be okay if I run in and put on them blue striped shorts of mine?

[E]

You'll do nothing of the kind, Magee. Shorts is shorts, but your shorts is underwear.

[B]

Now watch this.

[D]

Hoops.

[B]

Left foot there.

[D]

Up.

[B]

You see? Setting into the saddle. Graceful as a swan. Head up. Hands resting gently onto the handles. And away I go.

[D]

Keep your eye on how I do it now.

[E]

My, my. What makes it wobble like that now?

[F]

I guess the psycho sensation of the century is a little out of practice.

[E]

Look, he's turning around. Well, at least he knows how to do that.

[F]

Doesn't seem to be doing any tricks.

[E]

That's what you think. Keeping perpendicular is the best trick he's ever done in his life.

[F]

Do some fancy riding, Mr. Magee.

[B]

Hey there, toots.

[E]

How do you stop the dad rather than who's afraid?

[F]

Oh, I forgot.

[E]

You forgot what?

[F]

The brake doesn't work. I forgot to tell him.

[E]

Well, tell him when he comes around again. Look at him. This is the hardest work he's done since he was initiated into the Elk.

[F]

I'll tell him now. Here he comes again.

[B]

How do you stop him?

[F]

I don't know. The poster break doesn't work.

[E]

Fall off, Magee. You know how to do that. Oh, there he goes again.

[F]

He'll just have to run down.

[E]

He can't even run out again. Look at him come. Slow down, Eagerness.

[D]

I can't.

[B]

The brakes don't work.

[E]

Get some pillows and a mattress. I do nothing of the kind. You know, I think McGee's discovered something. What's that? Perpetual motion. My, he looks desperate.

[F]

Shall we run down and help him?

[D]

Stop.

[F]

Oh.

[E]

You afraid he'll hurt your bicycle?

[F]

Oh, no, he won't hurt it.

[E]

Well, then come in and I'll make us a cup of tea.

[F]

Molly, hurry up. Where are you going, Molly?

[E]

We're going in for some tea, Magee. Oh, Molly, watch out for the traffic when it gets dark. Come on, Helen.

[A]

Martelli and his men play that swell sweet number from the picture. The big broadcast of 1935. Why, Dre.

[C]

Why dream when it's long.

[B]

Reveal.

[C]

And the thrill is real? Why dream?

[A]

The best part of using Johnson's Blow Coat on your floors. Is that you don't have to do any rubbing or buffing in order to have shining floors. Once you learn the easy Glo coat method. This remarkable liquid polish shines as it dries. Without help from you. You merely spread Johnson's Glo coat lightly over the floor or linoleum. Let it dry for 20 minutes. And you will have a floor that shines like new. A floor that's easy to keep clean. Because dirt and dust can't stick to that beautiful Glo coat polish. And now all we need is Lynn Martin, our pocket edition prima donna singing. You're all I need.

[D]

You're all I need. My wonderful one. You're all I need. My starlight and fun. A friend to walk beside me. A loving hand to guide me. A tender evening song when day is done. You're all I need for your heaven hand. You're all I need to bring me contentment. The world is mine for you are mine. I'm rich indeed. You're all I need. You're all I need. Sam. You're all I need for your heaven. You're all I need. To bring me content. The world is mine, for you are mine. I'm rich indeed. You're all I need.

[F]

You're all.

[D]

I need.

[A]

Now, don't trip over the bicycle outside the door when you come into the McGee kitchen where Molly and Toots are brewing tea and teasing fibber about his bruises.

[F]

I'm sorry I forgot to tell you.

[E]

About the break being out of order, Mr. McGee. Twasn't the break that was out of order, dear. Twas McGee.

[B]

Oh, shucks, I. I'm sorry I scratched your back or your bike up, too. I'll be glad to pay you for any damages.

[F]

I. Oh, that's all right. I can have it fixed for 15 or $20.

[A]

Oh, my.

[F]

I'm sorry you couldn't show me some trick riding.

[B]

Well, you see, Toots, it's been years and years since I rid much. They make them different now. But I'll never forget the time I rid across Africa on a hunting trip onto a bicycle.

[F]

Africa on a bicycle?

[E]

Oh, now, Mickey, are you.

[B]

Yes, sir, Toots, that was way back in 1897 or 98. Nord was 97. Or was it? Yes, I guess it was 1897. No, it was. Who's that?

[E]

I suppose it's me, Groceries. Come right in, boy.

[A]

Afternoon, Mrs. McGee. Hi, Mr. McGee.

[B]

Hi, son.

[E]

Set the groceries right over on the table there, boy. I'll check them over with you to see if they're all here.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

You say you rode across Africa on a bicycle, Mr. McGee?

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Cape Town to Tripoli. Made it in 22 days. Exactly. Would have made it in 15 and a half if it hadn't been for being captured by cannibals up into the Belgian Congo.

[D]

Baloney.

[B]

What was that, young fellow?

[E]

Be quiet, McGee. We're checking the grocery.

[A]

Oh.

[F]

Cannibals, did you say, Mr. McGee?

[B]

Yep. The fierce tribe of Zulu bangies ambushed me as I Was tapping an African maple tree for some sugar SAP. You see, I'd parked my bicycle by a thorn bush and my sapnak was setting onto a rock.

[F]

You mean knapsack?

[B]

No, no, sapnak. I had me a knack of getting the SAP out of the African maple red berry. Oh, is that so?

[D]

Well.

[E]

Did you bring the potatoes, son?

[A]

Yeah, potatoes.

[F]

What did the cannibals do, Mr. Magee?

[B]

Well, sir, toots, they started jabbing me with red hot spears, trying to make me holler. But shucks, I just laughed into their faces. Then they tied me up and took me into the village where they fed me rich food for two weeks to fatten me up so's I'd be fit to eat. I was fit to be tied.

[F]

You mean you were tied to be fit.

[B]

No, I tried to be fit. I didn't get it at first. Well, sir, every two days they'd come and pinch me to see if I was plump enough.

[F]

Well, how'd you know they were cannibals when you first saw them?

[B]

Easy. One of them had a salt shaker hung onto his left ear. Another one had a bunch of onions strung around his neck. Horseradish.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Well, listen here.

[E]

Stop interrupting us, McGee, till we get the groceries.

[D]

Check.

[E]

Okay, where's the sugar now?

[B]

Well, sir, finally they thought I was tender enough to cook, so they brung out a big iron pot that took 43 cannibals to lift.

[F]

Working on pot time, I suppose.

[B]

Yes, pot time. That's pretty good, toots.

[F]

I liked it.

[B]

Prune.

[E]

How about me butter? Now, where's the butter?

[B]

They had a kind of educated chief of this tribe. He'd been to college and he wouldn't eat nothing but white meat. And he kept pumping me for information about when was Italy going to invade Africa.

[F]

Well, that was long before Italy invaded Africa.

[B]

I know, but them witch doctors is pretty smart that way. Anyway, this fellow thought I was a Italian spy, maybe. And he asked me how was the Italian army going to travel afoot Or Calvary? Why, shuck, says I. They'll just be bombing their way. Bombing? You get it, toots?

[A]

Applesauce.

[B]

How many dozen are the eggs anyway? They tied me up looser so's they could watch me squirm. And when they lit a fire under the iron pot, they started a war dance around me. Had a real good band, too. Something like Marcelli, only not so hot. Yeah, one old feller had him a bagpipe. He played and his boy played the Tom Tom.

[F]

Oh, I see. Tom Tom, the piper's. Son?

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Only he didn't steal no pig. Well, sir, finally the water started to boil and they untied me and tossed me in. Not dad dreaded Whose foot? Oh. And there I stood too, up to my armpits into that there boiling water with them painted cannibals dancing and howling around me, waving knives and forks and spoons.

[F]

Very embarrassing.

[B]

I'll say. Twas well, sir, up come the chief, waving a carbon knife three foot long and glittering like.

[A]

Like Johnson's blow coat.

[B]

Lots of laughing hyenas in Africa too. Welter tooth on them. Cannibals come with a hungry look into their eyes whilst I just stood there into the kettle with my arms onto the edge, real calm and collected.

[A]

Boiled ham.

[B]

Who me?

[F]

Do you mean to say, Mr. McGee, that you stood in that pot of boiling water and didn't mind it a bit?

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Why?

[F]

I don't understand.

[B]

Listen, toots, when you've been married as long as I have, being in the hot water won't bother you a bit. Molly, darling, is that tea about ready?

[D]

Sam.

[C]

The pathway rhythm. When I see that happy beam sea life dancing down the street. The wrong way Rhythm Rising, beating rhythm.

[D]

It's it.

[A]

That was Broadway rhythm played with a 42nd street flourish by Marcelli's men and vocalized with the Times Square vim by the cleft dwellers. And now my solo is entitled now that fall house cleaning time is here. Save yourself a lot of work and keep your floors shining with Johnson's blow coat. This easy to use floor polish that requires no rubbing or buffing was perfected in the famous Johnson's wax laboratory after years of study to produce the finest polish of its kind that could possibly be made. Be sure you see the Johnson name on the attractive yellow can. And by the way, I'd like to remind you that it's very economical to buy Glo coat in the larger size cans. In fact, you save as much as one third on the price. Ask your dealer for Johnson's Glo coat, the liquid polish that quickly changes dull dingy floors into bright gleaming surfaces without any work of rubbing or buffing. And now it's time to say hasta manana, which loosely translated from the Ethiopian means until Monday at this same hour. When.

[D]

Heh.

[A]

Ah there, fibber.

[B]

Ah there yourself, Harpo. You know what we're going to do next week, Harpo?

[A]

I'm no crystal set gazer. What are we going to do next week?

[B]

We're going to have our own amateur hour.

[A]

Well, don't you always?

[B]

No I resent that crack, Harpo. But listen, being that all the amateurs is either spoke for or else hid away practicing the musical saw, me and Molly is going to take all the parts ourselves.

[A]

Now, wait a minute. You and Molly will play all the parts yourselves?

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Well, I can hardly wait, my boy.

[B]

Neither can I. Amateur talent is into my blood, Harpo. My uncle was a great amateur performer, that's all. He was a fireman, Hook and ladder company number 24. One day he was performing for this here major bozo or somebody, and he got the gong dong.

[D]

Gong dong?

[B]

Like that. So what does he do but grabs his hat, drops his script, takes one long leap and slides down the microphone, wrecking the broadcast. You see, once a amateur, always a amateur. Don't forget that hustle.

[A]

I won't. And don't you forget either, folks. Next Monday at this same time for the big amateur hour. Or I might say half amateur, half hour. This will probably be the amateur show to end all amateur shows or something. In the meantime, remember, just as the best housekeepers use Johnson's Glo Coat and Johnson's Wax to keep their homes clean and shining, so wise car owners keep their cars sparkling with Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. This is the old Blow coat man. No rubbing, no buffing. Harlow Wilcox. No fooling. Good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company. You are listening, friends, to wls, the voice of Prairie Farmer, America's oldest farm paper, Chicago.