
Fibber McGee And Molly 35-11-18 (0032) Lighting the Furnace with Gasoline
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Radio Announcer / Narrator
Good evening, everybody. You are now listening to WLS, the voice of Prairie Farmer Chicago. Good evening, everyone. The makers of Johnson's Wax let loose another lively load of laughter and lyrics with Rico Marcelli's orchestra, Kay Donner, Hugh Studebaker and Marion and Jim. As those sapient citizens, Bibber McGee and Molly Marcelli and his men begin the broadcast with fine and Dandy. Wrap it up, Ra.
Fibber McGee
Sam.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
When you hear Marcelli's sparkling music, just remember that you can have sparkling floors and linoleum without any work of rubbing or buffing. Just try Johnson's Blow Coat, the easy to use liquid floor polish that shines as it dries. And once again, we wend our way to Wistful Vista via the wireless. And we find River Magee and Molly talking to their more or less handyman, Silly Watson.
Fibber McGee
I guess we better get down to the basement and fix that furnace. You know anything about boilers, Sill?
Silly Watson
Why?
Fibber McGee
I said, you know anything about furnace boilers?
Silly Watson
Yes, sir. What do y' all think is the matter with the furnace boiler?
Fibber McGee
What?
Molly McGee
Silly.
Silly Watson
I say, what's the matter with this old furnace boiler?
Fibber McGee
It won't heat.
Molly McGee
Oh, there you are. In words of one syllable, it won't heat. And I'm getting so cold I'll soon be too numb to care.
Fibber McGee
Beautiful, but none.
Molly McGee
What was that, Magee?
Fibber McGee
I says you're beautiful, but. Come, Silly, we better get on downstairs and get started. See you later. Molly.
Molly McGee
Later, nothing. I'm going right along with you.
Fibber McGee
You see, silly, this here job of furnace repairing is a job that calls for judgment and precision. Ain't no job for amateurs.
Silly Watson
Yes, I think so.
Fibber McGee
I'll do the thinking, Sil.
Molly McGee
You'll try anything once, won't you, McGee?
Fibber McGee
You bet. Oh, is that so? Now listen here. Now, Sil, I'll explain this here boiler to you. Yeah. Now, this here gadget down here toward the base of the boiler, silly, is a cinder roller. You take the big clinkers and you.
Molly McGee
Put them through them rollers is nothing of the kind. That's the wringer off me washing machine.
Fibber McGee
Oh, well, some furnaces has got equipment onto em like that. Now wait, I open the door. Now take a look inside there, Sil. Right there is where you'll find the trouble.
Silly Watson
Yes, I'm looking.
Fibber McGee
What do you see?
Silly Watson
Nothing.
Fibber McGee
Nothing good. What'd I tell you, Molly? Ain't nothing wrong on the inside of it. Except maybe the fire clay has cracked off my exhaust.
Molly McGee
The what?
Fibber McGee
The fire clay. All boilers, Molly, is coated inside with a special kind of plaster. Kind of a clay that resists heat. I used to be a kind of an expert on the fire clay myself. Fire Clay McGee they called me in them days. Fire Clay McGee. The finest, fastest furnace fixer from Fresno to Florida. You want to hear about it, silly?
Silly Watson
No.
Fibber McGee
Well, sir, this here was away back in 19. Oh, yes or no? No, 1905 it was.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Yes.
Fibber McGee
No, no, 1903. Or was it 5?
Silly Watson
Why, let's see.
Fibber McGee
They had to shoot old Bruno for killing the Neighbor's sheep in 1902. Oh, the poor dog. What you mean dog? Old Bruno was my uncle once removed. Well, I guess twas 1905 at that. I was just mixing up a batch of my patent McGee non crack fireproof fire clay one day into a big barrel. Getting it to the right consistency. I says I was getting it to the right consistency.
Silly Watson
Oh, yeah, there, you gotta do that.
Fibber McGee
Well, sir, this here fire clay was just about right like a thin plaster, when all of a sudden a bunch of tough kids come along. When my back was turned, they started throwing gobs of this here fire clay plaster at me. After, I finally thought they'd had enough fun, so I started to chase them. But shucks, I couldn't move a foot at their plaster had dried on me so fast and so hard. I was just powerless to move my feet and legs. And when they seen that, they just laughed, spit to bust and kept on pelting me, gob after gob. Of that there plaster hit me smack, splash, smack dab on the shoulders, the arms, the neck, on the face, till I was completely covered up with that fast hardening clay.
Silly Watson
How y' all get your breath, Mr. McGee?
Fibber McGee
Well, by breathing real quick and winkin fast, I kept my nostrils and eyes from closing up, but my mouth was sealed shut.
Molly McGee
And to think I wasn't there.
Fibber McGee
Well, sir, after they finally flung all my special plaster onto me, that pack of kids left.
Molly McGee
The mud pack?
Fibber McGee
Yes. You listening to this silly? Why, I says, you getting the benefit of this here talk.
Silly Watson
Yes, if there is any benefit I get.
Fibber McGee
Good. Well, sir, there I stood, powerless to move a muscle, that there plaster getting harder and harder all the time. That was on a Tuesday. On Saturday morning, a feller come by with his gal and he sees me. Hot dog says he look, baby, he says, whoever done that statue knew what they was doing. You bet you says she real and fazusedic. It's good, all right, but is it art? And he says, sure, it's art. You can't tell what it means, can you? Finally, a crowd move all complimenting the fellow that had posed that their perfect figure of a man. Ah, then the reporters come, and all over the world, newspapers come out saying the finest sculpture ever sculpt discovered in the backyard of a boiler plant. Mysterious statue, a work of unknown genius, all stuff like that. All I could do was stand there and watch, Getting weaker and hungrier all the time. Cheated out of my meals and sleep.
Molly McGee
Cheated? Statues ain't cheated, McGee. They're chiseled.
Fibber McGee
Well, sir, finally they hauled me away to an art museum and put me onto a pedestal right next to the Venus de Milo.
Molly McGee
Now, listen, don't tell her. She put her arm around you.
Fibber McGee
There I had to stand day after day, millions of people staring at me.
Silly Watson
Why didn't you all wink at somebody?
Fibber McGee
Boy, what say?
Silly Watson
I say, why didn't y' all wink Them little old eyes yawn at somebody?
Fibber McGee
Oh, I did. Twice. First time I caught a man's eye and winked, and he just says, I George, ain't that statue lifelike? Second time I winked at a gal and she slapped my face and broke two fingers on her right hand. Well, sir, one day, just as my strength was leaving me, I give one supreme effort, leaned forward and strained every muscle under the plaster and crash onto the floor. I fell, smashing that fireplay coat and off into a million pieces. I was saved. Was no time till they had me in the hospital nursing me back to health.
Silly Watson
Why didn't you all sue that Museum, boss.
Fibber McGee
Sue. I did. They threw the case out of court.
Molly McGee
On what grounds, McGee?
Fibber McGee
Shucks. They claimed my testimony wasn't reliable. Said I'd been plastered for two weeks. Come on. There.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Well, now. Now that fibber has vacated his pedestal, we have a real work of art to offer you. Our melodious model, Ms. Kay Donna. Who sings and sings like no other one. All right, Kay.
Kay Donner
No other one yes. No other one can ever do what you do when you do what you do Kissing me oh, no other one yes. No other one can ever make me like to like you like I'd like to constantly talk about arresting with an 18 carat thrill I don't have to make three guesses when I'm thinking of someone who can fill the bill there's no other one yes no other one can ever make me want you want to say who do you love in a great big way no other one no other one There isn't any other one can ever do what you do when you do what you you do Kissing me There's no other one there's no other one can ever make me like you like you like I'd like to constantly talk about those sweet caresses with an 18 carat spin I don't have to make we get to swear Thinking of someone who can feel the feel no other one there's no other one can ever make me want you Won't you say who do you love in a great big way There better be no other one There'd better be no other one.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Thank you, Kay. Thank you, friends. That was Kay Donner singing no Other One. And it might well be the theme song for Johnson's Glow Coat. For among floor polishes there's no other one that can give you the lasting beauty and protection that Johnson's Gloat Apple.
Fibber McGee
I got a riddle for you. Why is that there stratosphere balloon like a coat at Johnson's Gloat. Give up. Well, sir, the wear and tear of 74,000ft don't mean nothing.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Well, well, that's the height of something or other. Well, folks, you know how I like to talk about Johnson's Gloat, the Marvelous no Rubbing floor polish made by the makers of Johnson's Wax. Well, it seems I've been challenged by a young woman who says she knows more about gloat than I do. Because she's been using it on her own kitchen linoleum for several years. She's here in the studio tonight. Won't you step over here, Mrs. Wright? You're at liberty to say anything you please about glucose.
Mrs. Wright
Well, I'm delighted to, Mr. Wilcox. You know, when I started housekeeping, not so many years ago, I worked so hard trying to keep my kitchen linoleum clean. Really, it was pathetic. No matter how often I scrubbed it, that floor was dirty looking most of the time. And then one day when I was feeling particularly tired and discouraged, a neighbor of mine dropped in and told me about Johnson's Roco. Well, I ordered some that very day. And I can't tell you what a difference it made in the looks of that linoleum. It took only a few minutes to do the whole floor. And it was so easy to apply. Why, it didn't seem like any work at all. And 20 minutes after I had put go coat on the floor, it was perfectly dry. And the linoleum had a grand bright polish. Now my floor stayed clean and shining with practically no effort on my part. I have more time to rest and enjoy life. Believe me, I'm a real booster for Johnson's Glo coat. And any woman who is tired of floor scrubbing should certainly try it. Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that you don't have to do any rubbing or buffing when you use Glo coat.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Thank you, Mrs. W.R. treasure Island. A grand number in four tempos. Marcelli plays it as a foxtrot. A Viennese waltz, a tango, a Roomba. Take it, Rico.
Kay Donner
I sailed away to treasure.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
And my.
Kay Donner
Heart stood still When I landed on the sil shore I looked for gold on Treasure island and I found that gold when you gave your golden dove.
Fibber McGee
To me.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Now, if our engineer, Mr. Harold Stonewall Jackson, will switch us back to 79 Wishful Vista, we'll find Fibber McGee and Molly and Silly Watson all ready to go on with their furnace fixing down in the McGee basement.
Molly McGee
Well, McGee, you won't accomplish anything by standing there looking at it.
Fibber McGee
Oh, now, Molly, I was just figuring out the right way to get at this here problem. No use rushing in and getting it all balled up. Let's see now. Say, you know what we better do?
Molly McGee
Yes. Turn off some of your hot air and get some in the furnace.
Silly Watson
What do we better do, Bo?
Fibber McGee
We better build a fire in here so we can see how she draws. That way we can tell better. What's the matter?
Molly McGee
Well, McGee, that's the first idea you've had today.
Fibber McGee
Well, you'll have to admit, when I get them, they're hot. Don't you get it, Molly? Build a fire.
Molly McGee
A hot idea ain't funny, McGee.
Fibber McGee
Okay, now get to work, both of you. Yes.
Silly Watson
Shall we use these here papers?
Fibber McGee
Yep. Tear them up and crumple them, Tilly, so as he can get.
Molly McGee
Here, here, here. You can't use those papers.
Fibber McGee
Huh?
Molly McGee
Those are me dress patterns.
Fibber McGee
What's the matter with you, silly? You ought to have better sense than that.
Silly Watson
Well, I didn't think it was no good, boss, on account of the old full of little holes.
Fibber McGee
Moths have been at em. Probably use them newspapers there, boy. Yes.
Silly Watson
What are we gonna use for kin in the fire, boss?
Fibber McGee
What say?
Silly Watson
I say, what we gonna use for kinling? Little old fire.
Fibber McGee
Oh, kindling. Let's see now. Oh, yes. Take the hatchet and chop up them long sticks over there. Yes, I'll get the paper all set in the grate. Case.
Silly Watson
You little old Texas plum full.
Fibber McGee
Of nails, Mr. McGee. Well, well, don't dull a hatchet on them, Phil.
Molly McGee
Hey, wait a minute, Phil. McGee. What's he chopping up, huh?
Fibber McGee
Oh, them long sticks with the nails in them.
Molly McGee
Yes.
Fibber McGee
Oh, it's just some old lengths of molding that was left.
Molly McGee
Oh, for heaven's sake, silly. You're chopping up me curtain stretchers.
Fibber McGee
Curtain stretchers.
Molly McGee
Look at them. They're ruined.
Silly Watson
Oh, no, ma', am, they ain't ruined much. I just chopped off a couple little pieces of me, though, ma'. Am.
Molly McGee
Oh, is that so? Why don't you two come upstairs and chop up the piano and the dining room table?
Fibber McGee
We don't need that much kindling, ma.
Molly McGee
Well, you don't. Well, now, I'm real glad to hear that.
Silly Watson
Is this here little old box good for the chopper? Please, ma', am, let's see it.
Molly McGee
Yes, go ahead. That's all right. Now, is that all the paper and kindling you'll need?
Fibber McGee
You needn't look for no more, Molly.
Molly McGee
Who is going to? I just wanted to be sure you wouldn't use that porch furniture for your fire.
Fibber McGee
Why, shucks, Molly, don't be like that. We know what we're doing, don't we, Sil?
Silly Watson
What?
Fibber McGee
I says we know what we're doing, don't we?
Silly Watson
Well, I guess you all know what I'm doing, but I don't know what you all are doing.
Molly McGee
Try and use some sense, McGee. I'm going on up.
Fibber McGee
Hey, Molly, when you get upstairs, open up the furnace drafts, will ya, Chucks? We'll have her roaring fire in here in no time if she's working. Okay, now hurry up with that there kindling, boy.
Silly Watson
Yes, all right. She's right along Boy.
Fibber McGee
Oh, I had me a cow, a big brown jersey her milk was good but her temper was lurzy hi ho.
Silly Watson
The farmer in the dell tell you it, boss. Enough, Kenley?
Fibber McGee
Yeah, I guess. Say, this here paper is kind of damp, ain't it?
Silly Watson
Yes.
Fibber McGee
I'll tell you what son. I run up to the top of the stairs and get that big five gallon can.
Silly Watson
Yes, but, but, but that. That's gasoline, boss.
Fibber McGee
Well, what in chunk did you think? I thought it was buttermilk. I'll go on and get it.
Silly Watson
But, but y. Y' all ain't going to pour that dead stuff on this here little old fire you bought.
Fibber McGee
Can you think of any surer way of making her burn?
Silly Watson
No, sir.
Fibber McGee
Well then run up and get it.
Silly Watson
Yes, but that's pretty powerful stuff.
Fibber McGee
And oh, I had a gyra his.
Kay Donner
Name was Harlow he got in the.
Fibber McGee
Quincy and he couldn't swallow with a.
Kay Donner
Hay nutty, nutty and a razzmat.
Fibber McGee
Let's see now. Plenty of paper kindling. Ah, there we are. And we'll just wash her good with the gasoline and. Hey there. You coming, silly?
Silly Watson
Yeah. So here he is, Bo.
Fibber McGee
Okay, hand her here. I'll build a real bang up fire here quick to flash.
Silly Watson
Yes, and what I'm afraid of.
Fibber McGee
Shucks, we want a fire, don't we? Here, hold the cap of the spout. I'll just dash some of this here gasoline on and. Oh, I had a horse in his name. Hey, where you going there boy?
Silly Watson
Well, I just happened to think. I mean, I guess you ain't gonna need me no more today, I guess.
Fibber McGee
What makes you think that, silly?
Silly Watson
Well, I only think that on account of I think that after you all touch the little match out there gasoline, Boss, you ain't gonna need nothing more today.
Fibber McGee
Oh, with you silly. Don't be so dad. Radit nervous. Never heard of a cigarette lighter blowing up, did you? Now then a little more over in the corner there.
Silly Watson
Yeah, but, but boss, you. You already put on about 2 gallon already.
Fibber McGee
What if I did? Got to get the fire started, ain't we? Hey, what's your teeth catting for? You catch and call that.
Silly Watson
Yes, I guess I. I think I better go home and see a doctor while I got time, boss, but.
Fibber McGee
Give me a match for you. Go and say. Hey, quit leaning against that smoke pipe, boy.
Silly Watson
It's all right, Boss. It ain't hot, Rattit.
Fibber McGee
I know it ain't hot but it's loose. Liable to come apart. At the least bump and we'll have soot around Here. A foot deep. Give me a match.
Silly Watson
Yes. No, sir, I ain't got a match.
Fibber McGee
Chucks, you got some right behind your ear there, boy. Hand me one. Oh, never mind. I got one. Here we go.
Silly Watson
Yes, I'm afraid so.
Fibber McGee
Oh, shucks.
Silly Watson
Can you imagine that?
Fibber McGee
What else? Better pour the rest of this here gas on.
Silly Watson
There.
Fibber McGee
Give me another match, boy.
Silly Watson
Gas. Here you is. And here I go.
Fibber McGee
Hey, silly. Come back here, silly. Shucks. That feller. Go out that door and down that alley. Shucks, just superstitious. Now, where'd I put that dead red match? Oh, yeah. Oh, shucks. Can you beat that? Well, I'll get this lit if it takes me all day. Ah, now then, this'll do the trick.
Molly McGee
Heavenly Days what's happened out there?
Kay Donner
Where are you?
Molly McGee
I can't see a thing for the suit, silly. Sylvius. Where's Magee? What's happened to her? Silly, don't stand there coughing and rolling your eyes. Answer me.
Fibber McGee
Molly.
Molly McGee
Don't you know me? It's River Magee, your husband.
Fibber McGee
It Sam.
Rico Marcelli
I wish I were Aladdin how lucky I would be I drop my little lamp and wish that you would fall in love with me I wish that I would winkle who slept for 20 years imagine 20 years to dream of you Would that be heavenly if I could cast a magic spell When I feel blue I'd wave my wand and call for wonderful you but if I were certain we'd never, never part I would wouldn't want to be Aladdin I wouldn't want to be Rip Van Wiggle Just want to be the only one in your heart I wouldn't want to be Aladdin I wouldn't want to be a winkle I just want to be the only one in your heart.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
That was Martelli and his men playing I Wish I Were Aladdin with that Arabian night Charles Levere rubbing the piano lamp. And incidentally, that's where the magic of today has it all over the wizardry of yesterday. You don't have to do any rubbing or buffing to work a magical change in the appearance of your floors. All linoleum. Just try using Johnson's Glo Coat and see how much easier your housework will be. Glo Coat is a remarkable liquid polish that requires no rubbing or buffing. You merely spread a little Glo coat lightly over the surface with a soft cloth or the long handled Glo Coat applier. Let it dry for 20 minutes and your floor will sparkle like new. With a polish that resists dirt and dust. You'll Save yourself hours of work over a period of time. And you'll win the reputation of being a wonderful housekeeper if you use Johnson's Glow Coat, the new no rubbing floor polish made by the makers of Johnson's Wax. And let me remind you that it's very economical to try Glo Coat in the larger size cans. You can save as much as one third by ordering the larger sizes from your dealer. You're cordially invited back to see fibber and Molly McGee on their Johnson Jamboree.
Fibber McGee
At NBC on next Monday with Harlow and me and Molly. That's three with admission free.
Molly McGee
Fibber McGee.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
Well, well, come back with us next Monday night at this same hour when we understand that Fiber and Molly are going to have a nice old harvest home party. And until then, we remind you that just as the best housekeepers use Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Blow Coat to keep their houses clean and shining, so the most particular car owners keep their cars sparkling with Johnson's Auto Wax and Cleaner. This is Harlow Linoleum Wilcox speaking. Always underfoot. Good night.
Fibber McGee
It.
Radio Announcer / Narrator
This is the National Broadcasting Company Money.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Air Date: September 26, 2025 (original broadcast: November 18, 1935)
Theme: A classic comedy episode featuring Fibber McGee, Molly, and Silly Watson hilariously attempting to fix their cold furnace—resorting to the dangerous and slapstick idea of lighting it with gasoline. Alongside, there are musical performances and vintage sponsor spots characteristic of 1930s radio.
This episode transports listeners to the Golden Age of Radio with a quintessential "Fibber McGee and Molly" story. It revolves around the chaos that ensues when Fibber, with misguided confidence and the help of his handyman Silly Watson, tries to fix a stubborn furnace. Featuring fast-paced banter, elaborate tall tales, and escalating mishaps, the show's warmth and humor offer a nostalgic window into 1930s family entertainment. The episode is enhanced by period-specific musical interludes and live sponsor reads, immersing the audience in a bygone radio era.
Introduction to the Problem:
"It won't heat. And I'm getting so cold I'll soon be too numb to care." (03:55, Molly McGee)
Fibber’s Tall Tale:
"Fire Clay McGee, they called me in them days. The finest, fastest furnace fixer from Fresno to Florida!" (05:13, Fibber McGee)
"All I could do was stand there and watch, getting weaker and hungrier all the time. Cheated out of my meals and sleep." (08:30, Fibber McGee)
In the Basement:
"Why don't you two come upstairs and chop up the piano and the dining room table?" (19:37, Molly McGee)
The Gasoline Scheme:
"Can you think of any surer way of making her burn?" (21:23, Fibber McGee)
"Well, I only think that on account of I think that after you all touch the little match out there gasoline, Boss, you ain't gonna need nothing more today." (22:20, Silly Watson)
Molly’s Sarcasm and Resilience:
Silly Watson’s Literalism and Deadpan Delivery:
Kay Donner Sings “No Other One” (10:23 – 12:29)
Rico Marcelli's Orchestra:
"It took only a few minutes to do the whole floor. And it was so easy to apply. Why, it didn't seem like any work at all." (13:25, Mrs. Wright)
The Statue Story:
On Lighting the Furnace:
Final Chaos:
“Heavenly Days what's happened out there?” (24:18, Molly McGee)
The episode is rich in wordplay, deadpan delivery, and musical asides typical of 1930s vaudeville-influenced radio. The humor is family-friendly, relying on exaggerated characters, misunderstandings, and the ever-present threat of household disaster, all softened by warm camaraderie.
This episode offers a delightful immersion into radio’s golden age, perfectly balancing slapstick antics, breezy banter, and live music. Fibber’s harebrained furnace fix amplifies the show’s theme of good-natured domestic chaos, while the sponsor spots and musical numbers provide authentic historical flavor.
For newcomers: This summary brings you the heart of the episode—its comedy, music, and memorable characters—without the era's ads or formalities, making classic radio feel as fresh and funny as ever.