Flywheel Shyster Flywheel 1991-05-18 Uncle Abner

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Flywheel Shyster Flywheel 1991-05-18 Uncle Abner

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Episode Air Date: September 26, 2025
Original Air Date (from BBC adaptation): May 18, 1991

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Overview & Main Theme

This episode is a lively recreation of Flywheel, Shyster, and Flywheel, a classic Marx Brothers radio comedy originally aired in the 1930s. The story centers on Waldorf T. Flywheel (inspired by Groucho Marx), his assistant Emmanuel Ravelli (Chico Marx), and their law practice as they bumble their way through ridiculous client encounters, outrageous misunderstandings, and a new family reunion.
The episode's comedic energy is driven by wordplay, sharp Marxist wit, slapstick, and a satire of "country versus city" sensibilities. The primary plot involves Waldorf's Uncle Abner visiting from Hickory Corners, testing Waldorf’s suitability to inherit his farm, and a subplot about a threatened mortgage foreclosure.

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Key Discussion Points & Comic Set Pieces

1. Opening Office Antics & Introduction of Uncle Abner (00:45–04:45)

• Classic Banter: The episode opens with Miss Dimple fielding calls and Waldorf T. Flywheel protesting about being disturbed and not being able to pay anyone—regardless of who’s asking.
  • Quote:

    Flywheel: "Tell him I can't pay him."
    Miss Dimple: "But you don't know who it is."
    Flywheel: "No matter who it is, I can't pay him." (01:00)

• Ravelli Returns: Ravelli leaves for his brother's interminable wedding party, quipping about the bride:
  • Quote:

    Ravelli: "She's a grapefruit. I squeezed her and she hit me in the eye." (01:49)

• Arrival of Abner Flywheel: Abner arrives, claiming kinship. Ravelli tries to unmask him (literally), thinking he’s an impostor.
  • Identity Test:

    Ravelli: "You never was in jail? Hey, boss, he can't be a real flywheel." (03:46)
    Comic misunderstanding ensues about family branches and pasts.

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2. The Inheritance Challenge & Train Journey to the Farm (04:53–08:13)

• The Will:
  Abner announces he’ll leave his farm to Waldorf, but only if Waldorf can show his farming prowess at Hickory Corners.
  • Quote:

    Abner: "Before I leave my farm to you, you gotta come out to Hickory Corners and show me you can really run it. I bet you don’t even know a Jersey cow when you see one." (05:24)

• Train Comedy:
  Slapstick about Ravelli traveling as a child to avoid a full fare, and failed attempts to fool the conductor.
  • Quote:

    Waldorf: "Don't argue, Ravelli. The conductor's coming and I've only got a half fare ticket for you... Roll up your pants. Look like a child of eight. You've got to look dumb. Just be yourself." (06:19)

  • They provoke the conductor with jokes about age and fare:

    Ravelli: "That's right, conductor. I just ate and I no like the food on this train." (07:31)

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3. Lost in the Country & Pigsty Mishaps (09:00–13:10)

• Cab Fare Fiasco:
  A local offers them a ride, they try to game the system, ending up walking.
  • Quote:

    Squire Higby: "How much to take the bags?"
    Squire: “They can go free.”
    Ravelli: "So good. You take the bags and we'll walk." (10:11)

• Getting Lost:
  Navigational blunders—directions, a garter snake that’s mistaken for a clothing issue, and finally they trespass and end up in a pigsty.
  • Quote:

    Waldorf: "I ask you folks two nice Jewish boys and we're surrounded by ham." (11:23)

  • Pig vs. Ravelli Test:

    Waldorf: "How much is three and eight?"
    Ravelli: "That's easy. 38."
    Waldorf: "That proves it. You're Ravelli, all right. No pig could be that dumb." (11:54)

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4. At the Farmhouse: Country Hospitality and Song (13:10–18:14)

• Attempt to Steal Pies:
  They try to snag pies through the window, only to be attacked by a dog and confronted by the Farmhouse Lady.
  • Quote:

    Farmhouse Lady: "What in tarnation is going on here? What do you want, you hobo?" (13:48)

  • Comedic riff on “singing for supper”—the team performs a parody western song.
  • Song (highlights, 15:06–18:14):
    The lyrics roll from advice (“Go west, young man...”) to clever rhymes about the hardships and quirks of pioneer life, with trademark Marxist wit:

    "But if you want a jackass, there are plenty of them there." (18:09 – Waldorf)

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5. The Mortgage Threat & Farm "Improvements" (21:55–27:18)

• Squire Higby’s Visit:
  The local banker arrives, threatening foreclosure unless payment is made.
  • Flywheel spins tales about modernizing the farm via "milkmen instead of cows" and proposes preposterous 'improvements.'
  • Quote:

    Waldorf: "It would be a lot simpler if we had the milk delivered to the door in bottles like the city folk have... Why can't we sell the cows and buy a milkman instead?" (25:11)

  • Ravelli quips about "elephant's milk" and foils a banker with circular logic.
• Comedic Escalation:
  When Squire Higby threatens foreclosure, Waldorf tries to distract with more nonsense, Ravelli punning, and Abner is exasperated.
• Finale:
  The scene devolves to threats, literal booting out, and a runaway shotgun:
  • Quote:

    Abner: "Ah, get out of my house, both of you." (27:34)
    Waldorf: "What, you think we're the type of fellows that would run out on you when you need us most?" (27:36)

• Forced Departure:
  After being thrown out, the pair revert to planning their escape on the train, with Waldorf telling Ravelli to "start sucking this lollipop, here comes the conductor" as they prepare for yet another scheme. (28:24)

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Memorable Quotes & Biting Humor

• On Inheritance Requirements:

  "All you have to do is look at the license plates..." (Jersey cow joke, 05:24)

• On Ravelli's Logic:

  "No pig could be that dumb." (11:59)

• On the Value of Hard Work:

  Waldorf: "Work for our supper? We didn’t come west to work." (15:03)

• On Farm Modernization:

  "Why can't we sell the cows and buy a milkman instead?" (25:15)

• On Family Relations:

  "If he's on my father's side, I’ll fight on my mother's side just the same." (04:23)

• On the Escalating Chaos:

  "That dog's no ear for music." (19:15)

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Abner’s Arrival & Flywheel Family Test — 02:31–04:45
• Train Ticket Shenanigans — 06:19–08:20
• Pigsty & “Jewish boys surrounded by ham” — 11:23
• Farmhouse Song Routine — 15:08–18:14
• Squire Higby Threatens Foreclosure — 22:00–27:18
• Finale: Shotgun Escapade & Getaway — 27:34–28:41

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Tone & Style

The episode gleefully maintains the fast-talking, pun-heavy, fourth-wall-breaking style of the Marx Brothers. The humor is broad, vaudevillian, and blends barbed wit with outlandish scenarios—delivered with an energy that keeps the pace brisk and the laughs prominent.

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Summary Value

For listeners, this episode is a sparkling example of vintage radio comedy—a near-perfect pastiche of the Marx Brothers' radio legacy, blending slapstick storylines with rapid-fire banter. The core plot around inheritance and foreclosure is little more than scaffolding for a succession of jokes, musical numbers, and comic misunderstandings, all executed in high style.

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For the full experience, fans of classic comedy will appreciate both the source material and the sharpness of its revival in this episode.

Transcript

[Narrator]

The British Broadcasting Corporation, in association with a five star theater, proudly presents the Marx Brothers in Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel.

[Miss Dimple]

Law offices of Flywheel tries to implywheel. Miss Dimple speaking. Oh, yes, Mr. Flywheel is in now, but I can't disturb him.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

What do you mean you can't disturb me? You're disturbing me already.

[Miss Dimple]

Mr. Flywheel, there's a man wants to talk to you.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Tell him I can't pay him.

[Miss Dimple]

But you don't know who it is.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

No matter who it is, I can't pay him.

[Miss Dimple]

I'll tell him to call later.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I don't know why I won't be able to pay him then either.

[Conductor]

Hello?

[Miss Dimple]

Try phoning again tomorrow. Thank you.

[Abner Flywheel]

Goodbye.

[Miss Dimple]

Hello, Mr. Ravelli.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Goodbye, people.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Goodbye? What do you mean, goodbye, Ravelli? You just got here.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Sure, but I gotta leave again. I gotta go back to my brother's wedding.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Your brother's wedding? Why, I let you off at noon yesterday to go to that wedding. Is he getting married again?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Oh, no, boss. The wedding was a last tonight. But the party's still going on.

[Miss Dimple]

Why, Mr. Ravelli, that must be some wedding party to last two days.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Oh, what a party. Everybody's dead and oh boy, are they having fun. Everybody kissing the pretty bride. She's a Some grapefruit.

[Farmhouse Lady]

A grapefruit?

[Miss Dimple]

Don't you mean a peach?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No, she's a grapefruit. I squeezed her and she hit me in the eye.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

In this script we get the good ones in early.

[Miss Dimple]

Mr. Revelli, did you wear a full dress?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No, I wear what I always wear.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

And they let you in?

[Squire Higby]

Sure.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

My brother wouldn't keep me out of his own wedding.

[Miss Dimple]

Was he wearing full dress?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I don't know. I didn't see him.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Your brother's wedding and you didn't see him?

[Conductor]

No.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

That crazy brother of mine, he never showed up. But that no surprise me.

[Miss Dimple]

Didn't surprise you? Why not?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

He's married already.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Ms. Temple, see who's at the door.

[Abner Flywheel]

Good morning, folks. And the grand monitors too.

[Miss Dimple]

Why, he looks just like a farmer.

[Conductor]

Mr. Flywheel, Ms. Temple.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

He smells like one too.

[Abner Flywheel]

I just come into the city and.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Now sit down, take off your whiskers and stay a while.

[Abner Flywheel]

Thank you, sir. My name is Flywheel.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Flywheel. Ravelli, close the door. This man is an imposter.

[Abner Flywheel]

But I tell you gentlemen, that quick.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Ravelli, unmask him.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Okay, boss.

[Conductor]

Hey.

[Miss Dimple]

Hey.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

God. Hey, boss. The joke is a mass. Those are real whiskers. They won't come off.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Those are real. Come out from behind those bushes, farmer. Or I'll shoot.

[Abner Flywheel]

You scared me when you pulled my whiskers. You scared me so I can hardly talk.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

That's all right, Wash. He can hardly talk above a whisker.

[Abner Flywheel]

Now, see here. I'm adding a flywheel from Hickory Corners. I come to the city to look up my long lost nephew. He's a lawyer, so I hear tell.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You mean you're Abner Flywheel, one of the Joplin, Missouri flywheels.

[Abner Flywheel]

I never heard of that branch of the family.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Did you run away to Australia at the age of three and die over there?

[Abner Flywheel]

No, I never ran away from any place.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, were you the Flywheel who was thrown into jail for smuggling Chinamen into China in 1891?

[Abner Flywheel]

No, I certainly was not. I was never in jail in all my life.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

You never was in jail? Hey, boss, he can't be a real flywheel.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You're wrong, Revelli. He's passed the test. It's my long lost Uncle Abner. Get the man a chair, Ravelli. Let him rest his feet. Give him some farm relief. That was a topical joke in 1933. Folks worn well, hasn't it?

[Abner Flywheel]

So you're a little walled off, huh? Well, well, you certainly haven't changed much.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Oh, come now, Uncle Abner. I don't look as young as all that.

[Abner Flywheel]

No, I wouldn't say that. But we always did say around home that you were the stupidest child in the family.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I see. Your uncle, all right. He knows you.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Listen, Revelli, he's an uncle on my father's. And if he's on my father's side, I'll fight on my mother's side just the same.

[Abner Flywheel]

He was a cute little brat, walled off. I can remember how he was able to walk around before you were a.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Year old, Ash, or nothing. I know a little dog that can walk. And he's only six months old.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Yeah, but a dog has twice as many legs.

[Abner Flywheel]

Say, Waldorf, who's this little fella? I don't like his face.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

And that's all you don't like about him.

[Abner Flywheel]

Waldorf, I'm getting old and I want someone to carry on the work at.

[Narrator]

The after I'm gone.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Asher. Fine. Where are you going?

[Abner Flywheel]

I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to find me a beneficiary.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Well, we ain't got one. And if we did have, we wouldn't give it to you.

[Abner Flywheel]

I need someone to leave my farm to. I figured. I'm leaving it all to you, Waldorf. Providing you know how to take care of it.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Don't worry about me, Uncle Abner. You just lie down and die and we'll do the rest.

[Abner Flywheel]

Remember, Waldorf, before I leave my farm to you, you gotta come out to Hickory Corners and show me you can really run it. I know you city folks. I bet you don't even know a Jersey cow when you see one.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That's easy. All you have to do is look at the license plates. Excuse me, porter, does this train go to Hickory Corners? Yes, the last stop on the line. It is, is it? Could you miss out a few stops? No, no, sir. And how about shortening the line? If you want to catch this train.

[Squire Higby]

You better get on it now.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

It's about to leave. Come on, Ravelli, we're just in time.

[Squire Higby]

Hey, who you talking to? There ain't nobody with you?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You see that pile of luggage? Yum. You see under that pile of luggage? Yum. Well, that's Ravelli.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

There. That's the last piece of luggage stole, boss.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well done, Ravelli. Now sit down and roll up your pants.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, I know. Roll up my pants.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Don't argue, Ravelli. The conductor's coming and I've only got a half fare ticket for you. I know. The idea of that is particularly nauseating, isn't it, folks? Now roll up your pants. Look like a child of eight. You've got to look dumb. Just be yourself. Get your tickets out.

[Narrator]

Let's see those tickets.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

How do you do, conductor?

[Abner Flywheel]

Never mind that. I want to punch your tickets.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I tell you what, I'll keep the tickets and you can punch Ravelli.

[Abner Flywheel]

Come on, give me those tickets.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, bosh. I think he wants the tickets.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Hush, little Emmanuel. Our father will knock you unconscious.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Oh, sorry, Pop.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That's better. Now here are the tickets, Conductor.

[Abner Flywheel]

Hey, what's the half ticket for?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That's my little boy, Emmanuel. Kiss the nice conductor, Emmanuel. But first take the.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I did that too soon. Yeah, I'll kiss him again later.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

He always kisses first and then tells later. That's my little boy, Emmanuel. Kiss the nice conductor, Emmanuel. But first take the chewing tobacco out of your mouth.

[Abner Flywheel]

Say, how old is he?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Emmanuel's just ate.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

That's right, conductor. I just ate and I no like the food on this train.

[Abner Flywheel]

Do you mean to say that this great big Lummox is only 8 years old?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

He is a repulsive looking child. I'm taking him out now to try and lose him in the country.

[Abner Flywheel]

If that kid's 8 years old, I'm Christopher Columbus.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Then this is quite a comedown for you from captain of your own ship. To conductor on a Pullman say, you pay no attention to the nasty mans, Emmanuel. It's time for your battle.

[Abner Flywheel]

What you ought to give that boy is a few lessons in good behavior.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Good behavior? Why, don't you realize it was because of his good behavior that led him out of prison?

[Abner Flywheel]

Prison? I thought you said you were eight years old.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Well, I was eight years old, but that was before I went to prison.

[Abner Flywheel]

I thought so. You're gonna pay full fare for this guy?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You mean to say you expect a full fare for a half wit?

[Abner Flywheel]

You're darn right. It's a good thing you got around trip tickets. I'll just keep the whole lot. And you're lucky I don't throw you both off.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, boss, you put me in a fine fix. You take me to Hickory Cornish and then I won't be able to get back.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Ravelli, you don't know what a break that is for me. Well, Ravelli, this is the Hickory Corner station, all right, but I don't see any town.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Yeah, Bosh. I wonder why they built the railroad station so far from the town.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I don't know. Unless it was because they wanted the station near the railroad. Say, I wonder where Uncle Abner lives. I'm getting tired watching you carry those heavy bags.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Yeah, that's a fine boss. How about you carrying?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I'm not that tired.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I thought your Uncle Abner was going to meet us at the station.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

He said he'd meet us. He said he'd meet the 5:15 train on Saturday and we came on the 5:15.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

But today ain't a Saturday, it's a Monday.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I know, but it wouldn't have hurt him to wait.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, look. There's a guy on that wagon. Maybe he knows where Uncle Flywheel lives.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Hey, mister. Oh, mister. Yeah? You wouldn't happen to know where Abner Flywheel lives, would you?

[Squire Higby]

Why, sure. I know where that old Skin Flint lives.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

F When you call my uncle Abner Skinflint, smile your uncle. I said smile, not laugh.

[Squire Higby]

Well, that uncle of yours is an ordinary cuss. His house is a waste from here. Quite a trip on foot.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

How much will he charge to take us there?

[Squire Higby]

Oh, I reckon 20 cents.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

How much to take the bags?

[Squire Higby]

Oh, they can go free.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

So good. You take the bags and we'll walk.

[Squire Higby]

Oh, smart Alex. Well, you can walk with your bags.

[Abner Flywheel]

Giddy up, Molly.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Nice work, Revelli. That was the nearest thing to a taxi cab this side of the Mason Dixon Line. Now we'll have to walk. Dump the luggage. We'll go as the crow flies, it'll be quicker. Come on, Ravelli, walk a little faster.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, watch your hurry. We're lost. We ain't gonna find the place.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

In that case, let's run and get it over with. Look out, Ravelli. There's a garter snake.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No, I don't need it, Bosch. My socks ain't coming down. Come on, we see what's over this fence.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Don't you see that sign? It says Keep out. This means you.

[Abner Flywheel]

It means me.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

How did they know I was coming? I'll give you a leg up, boss. Help you over.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Not too hard now.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Here I come, Wash.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I ask you folks two nice Jewish boys and we're surrounded by ham. Brivelli. Ravelli, we've jumped into a pigsty. Where are you, Ravelli? Oh, here you are. My mistake. I thought you were Ravelli.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No, here I am, boss.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

How do I know it's you? I made one mistake already.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Sure it's for me. Ask me something, I prove it.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That sounds fair enough. How much is three and eight?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

That's easy. 38.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That proves it. You're Ravelli, all right. No pig could be that dumb. Come on, we've got to get out of this pigsty.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, look. There's the farmhouse the pigsty must have belonged to. Let's go and get something to eat. Hey, look at that old apple tree. Betcha they don't get very much apples off of that tree.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I bet they don't either. That's a telegraph pole.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, that reminds me of a riddle.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

On second thoughts, it is an apple tree.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

A couple got married in California. What company was it?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

A couple got married in California and it was a company.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Sure, it's the Western Union. That's some joke, eh? Don't hold back.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I warn you. He'll do another one.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Yeah, I got even a better one.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I told you.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

The same couple gets a divorce in California. What company is that?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Go right ahead. I'm not listening.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

It's a milk company.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You want to know why I don't think so.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

It's a milk company because the wife was keeping company with a milkman.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Lucky for you I wasn't listening. And lucky for the audience, we're at the farmhouse.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, Bosch, look at through this window. Look at all those pies. Let's knock at the door and ask the lady of the house for some.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You don't know the woman in the house. You can't ask her for pies. Just break through the window and steal a few.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Okay, Bosch, what are you gonna Do.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

I'll stand guard outside. And if I hear anybody coming, I'll meet you in the next town.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Okay. Here, help me up into the window.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Keep very quiet. You don't want to scare the poor woman.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

All right, I'm in. Bosch. Boss. Boss, there's a dog in here.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Hold your ground, Revelli. His bark is probably worse than his bite.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No, it ain't, Boss. He just bit me.

[Farmhouse Lady]

What entire nation is going on here? What do you want, you hobo?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, my uncle used to play one of those.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Yeah, it's coming, folks.

[Farmhouse Lady]

Your uncle played what?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

A hobo? A hobo in the orchestra.

[Farmhouse Lady]

Well, get away or I'll stick the dog on you.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You're too late, madam. The dog just bit Ravelli. He's probably sick already.

[Farmhouse Lady]

Oh, two of you, huh? What do you want anyhow?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

We're hungry. Could you spare a piece of cake?

[Miss Dimple]

Cake?

[Farmhouse Lady]

What's the matter? Isn't bread good enough for you?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

It usually is, madam, but today happens to be my birthday. All right.

[Farmhouse Lady]

Here's a piece of cake.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

What, no candles?

[Farmhouse Lady]

Dag Nabbit. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, asking for cake.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

We have to ask. Last time we took some cake without asking, we got arrested.

[Farmhouse Lady]

I'm sorry, but I can't offer you anything else. I'm having enough trouble trying to make both ends meet.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

All right, make one end meet and the orn. Vegetables.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

And now, if you let us have some of those pies, we'll clean the snow off your sidewalk.

[Farmhouse Lady]

Snow? Why, there ain't no snow and there ain't no sidewalk.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Is that our fault? Now, how about dishing out the grub?

[Farmhouse Lady]

How's about working for it?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Work for our supper? We didn't come west to work.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I'm a bosh. We sing for our supper.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

In that case, I'll do the singing. We'll eat better. Mr. Horace Greeley was no fool I'm sure that you'll agree with me that Greeley was no fool but he is.

[Conductor]

Getting at is that mystic really was.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

No hope the wisdom of the man can be denied by mom for he's the one who sa.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Before you go to Buffalo to Baltimore or Borneo to eastern Pennsylvania or Sudan Go west, young man, if you go to that land, sonny, you will have a lot of money if you bring the money with you when you come to the Long.

[Conductor]

Prairie Yippee yippee yippee yee yippie yippee.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Y.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Before you read a travel ad and stamp her up to Trinidad To.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Albany, New York or Yucatan Go west. In the east they live on donuts. In the west the natives grown ups. And I guarantee you'll go nuts if you come to the low prairie.

[Conductor]

Yippy eye, yippee I.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

A cowboy's gal is a real true how she will stick to him. Right or wrong or wrong.

[Conductor]

Go left your dance go. Everybody touch your dance.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

You can ride a fucking bronco or a pony.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You can cut a calf in half and make bologna.

[Conductor]

Go left.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Don'T go north, don't go South Africa.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Don't go up, don't go down, don't go here, don't go there. And it's all what they say about extreme. Go out and till the soil there. Dig for gold and you'll find oil there as a duck crow flies where the snow flies Go westward home if you are fun hunting there's no place that can compare.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Or you may not bag a lion or a tiger or a bear.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

But if you want a jackass, there are plenty of them there.

[Conductor]

Young man, he said kiss you. Go west, young man.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

The judges there are very sad. They always are. Of course, a cowboy and his missus went to court for a divorce.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

The cowboy got the children and the missus got the horse. Pretty impressive, huh? Now, what will that get us, my good woman?

[Farmhouse Lady]

Get him, doggy.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That dog's no ear for music.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, Boash, look. Moocows. They must have live around here. Maybe they know where Uncle Abner's place is.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, you've had worse ideas.

[Conductor]

Hey, you there. Get away from the cows.

[Abner Flywheel]

Get away or I'll shoot you deader than a turkey at Thanksgiving.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Wash, it's your Uncle Abner. And he's got a gun.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Uncle Abner. Uncle Abner. Don't shoot. Don't shoot. It's Waldorf, your nephew. You can't shoot your nephew. Blood is thicker than water. And Ravel is thicker than both.

[Narrator]

Waldorf. Well, I'll be hornswoggled.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That suits me, Uncle Abner. Ravelli, find me a hornswoggle.

[Abner Flywheel]

Here we are, Waldorf. There's the farmhouse you're going to inherit if you show me. You know a little something about farming?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Just leave it to me, Uncle Abner. You won't know this place in a couple of days.

[Abner Flywheel]

Make any improvements? You like, Waldorf, but take your time. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, I wasn't in charge of that job. You better look out, Ravelli. I think that cow's following you.

[Abner Flywheel]

Ah, shucks. That cow's going to the barn to get milked. We better get down to the barn, too.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

We go to the barn? Hey, we don't want to get milked.

[Abner Flywheel]

Here's the pail, Mr. Ravelli. Now, let me see what you know about milking a cow.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

This ought to be good.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

All right. Here, cow.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Here.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Here's the stool. Go ahead and sit down. All right, stand up. See if I can. Come on, come on. Nice cow. Come on. Here's your bucket. Fill him up with milk.

[Abner Flywheel]

Try using two hands on that cow. It saves time.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Ridiculous, Uncle Abner. That cow's got plenty of time.

[Abner Flywheel]

Now, you boys can look over the place while I go in the house and fix us up some supper. Make yourselves to home now.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

All right. I finish up with a cow. Hey, look. Washed the cow, kicked the bucket.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That's two. Oh, yes. It's coming. It's coming. That's too bad. I didn't even know she was sick.

[Abner Flywheel]

Come on in there. It ain't blocked.

[Squire Higby]

Hello there, Abner.

[Abner Flywheel]

Oh, howdy, Squire Higby. Ain't seen you around these parts in quite a spell.

[Squire Higby]

Well, been too busy at the bank, Abner, But I was coming by this way, and I thought I'd see how you're feeling and kind of talk over a little business.

[Abner Flywheel]

Certainly, Squire. I've been figuring to drop over to see you. You know, my mortgage payments due next week and.

[Squire Higby]

Well, I ain't worried about that. You always was a good payer.

[Abner Flywheel]

Oh, thanks, Squire, but this time I'll be asking a little extension. Think that I ain't got the money, but my nephew, Waldorf Flywheel, been sort of running the farm this last week, and he's hankering after making some improvements.

[Squire Higby]

Well, I'd kind of like to have a talk with this nephew yours just to sort of know how the money's gonna be spent. Was this your nephew, now?

[Abner Flywheel]

No, that's his business associate, Emmanuel Ravelli.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hello, Flywheels.

[Abner Flywheel]

Uncle Ravelli, this is Squire Higbee.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Well, who said it wasn't?

[Squire Higby]

Mr. Revelli, as long as you're taking a financial interest in this farm, and seeing as how I'm a banker, I reckon it'd be good business for us to have a little talk. Now, where do you live normally?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I live with my brother.

[Squire Higby]

Well, where does your brother live?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

He lives with me.

[Squire Higby]

Well, where do you both live?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

We both live together.

[Squire Higby]

Oh, never mind. And would you mind telling me what you do when. Well, when you work, of course.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, when I work, I work. I'm a flywheels assist.

[Squire Higby]

A cist. Do you know anything about farming?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Sure.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

I'm a pharmacist as a son. Mickey.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Uncle Abner. Uncle Abner.

[Abner Flywheel]

There's a rat upstairs in my room. Man, if you afraid of a little farm wreck.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, I would have fought back, but he had his friends with him.

[Abner Flywheel]

Waldorf, this. This is Squire Higby.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Good. Have him run down to the drugstore for some rat biscuits.

[Abner Flywheel]

Squire Higby's here on business, you know. He has a mortgage on this farm and.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

A mortgage? Why did you keep it from me, Uncle Abner? There I was, out in the city, fritting away my time as only youth can, while your poor bald head was turning gray and this wolf at the door was sitting in your parlor, drinking your poisonous corn liquor and eating your heart out. But don't worry, Uncle. Don't worry, he won't foreclose. Who are these Barrymores, anyway? He won't foreclose. Not if I have anything to say, sir.

[Squire Higby]

You have nothing to say?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

In that case, Uncle, I guess he'll foreclose.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, a mortgage foreclosed? That's no good. You need a suitcase for clothes.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

You thought you were safe this late in the show, didn't you? Nice work, Rovelli. Now go upstairs and wash your face. I can tell what you ate for breakfast this morning.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Wow, you're so smart. What did I eat?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Eggs. You still got some on your chin.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

You crazy? I ate those eggs yesterday.

[Squire Higby]

Now, see here, young Flywheel. I've decided to extend the mortgage. But being a businessman, I'd like to know what improvements you plan to make.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, in the first place, Higby, I'm getting pretty sick of waking early in the morning to get milk from those cows. It would be a lot simpler if we had the milk delivered to the door in bottles like the city folk have.

[Abner Flywheel]

Ah, corn feed. Wand off. You're talking about milkman.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

That's just it. Why can't we sell the cows and buy a milkman instead?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, maybe we can get some elephant's milk. I know a baby three months old that drinks elephant's milk. And he weighs 95 pounds.

[Squire Higby]

A baby three months old weighs 95 pounds?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Sure, it's a baby elephant. Hey, I fool you that time.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Now, looky here.

[Squire Higby]

I'm a busy man. Just what improvements do you plan to make on this farm?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Improvements? Well, first I. I think we'll get rid of Uncle Abner. Why, of course. We won't throw the old idiot out unless we can do it without hurting his feelings.

[Abner Flywheel]

Well, you'd like to get rid of me, huh? Well, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool your Uncle Abner.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Is 9 o' clock early enough?

[Squire Higby]

Now see here, you fellas, just what's your game?

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

My game's pinochle, but I gotta use my own cards.

[Squire Higby]

Abner, if this is your idea of improvements, we can't do any business together. Unless the payment is made by Wednesday, I'm gonna foreclose.

[Abner Flywheel]

Never fear, Squire. I can see I was wrong about letting my nephew handle the money. The mortgage payment will be made. Waldoff, where's that $2,000 I gave you at?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

2,000? Well, you told me you wanted a new chicken coop.

[Abner Flywheel]

2000 for a chicken coop? You said you could buy a first class coupe for 300.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

The dealer didn't have a coupe, so I got a sedan instead.

[Squire Higby]

Amber, I'm leaving. And unless the mortgage payment is made, I will foreclose.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Just a moment there, Squire Higby, if you have any of the milk of human kindness, I'll take a quart. Poor Uncle Ab is sorry for what he did. Look at him sitting there, conscience stricken.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

That's what I always say, Boss. Don't conscience stricken before they're hatched.

[Squire Higby]

Abner, I am through with this nonsense. Now, you know very well that I have often put myself out for you.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Why don't you put yourself out now? On second thoughts, don't bother. We can throw you out.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Sure, boss. I kick him out of the house.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Why wait till he's out of the house? You can start kicking him now.

[Squire Higby]

That's the finish. I'm going. Good day to you, sir.

[Abner Flywheel]

Squire Concern it. You scoundrels are more trouble than the orneriest mule I ever owned. You've driven him away.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Good. Now we can have a little chat about these farm improvements I mentioned.

[Abner Flywheel]

Ah, get out of my house, both of you.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

What, you think we're the type of fellows that would run out on you when you need us most?

[Abner Flywheel]

Very well, then. Maybe this shotgun will get your ass.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, look out. Put that gun down.

[Abner Flywheel]

Ravelli.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Step back.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Don't fight with Uncle Abner while he's got a gun in his hand.

[Abner Flywheel]

Get your old bling hand off my gun. Put my gun down. You're broken a window.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Come on. Boss, I think he's mad at us.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Goodbye, Uncle.

[Abner Flywheel]

Get out.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, boss, it's a lucky thing you kept enough of Uncle Abner's money to buy us train tickets back to New York after Squire Higby take away that car you bought. All we gotta do now is sit back and relax.

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Well, almost. But that money didn't go as far as I thought it would.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Hey, what do you say we ain't going back to New York?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Yes. But there's one little thing I want you to do for me.

[Emmanuel Ravelli]

Yes, boss?

[Waldorf T. Flywheel]

Start sucking this lollipop. Here comes the conductor.

[Narrator]

You have been listening to Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel. Starring Michael Roberts as Groucho Marx as Waldorf T. Flywheel and Frank Lazarus as Tickle Marx as Emmanuel Revelli. Also starring Lorelei King, Graham Hoadley and Vincent Marzello. The music was arranged and conducted by David Perman. The script was written by Nat Barron and Arthur Scheetman and was adapted by Mark Risenberg. The producer was Kurt Mann.