Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-03-21 (01) Judge Allen's Cut Rate Court

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-03-21 (01) Judge Allen's Cut Rate Court
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: January 22, 2026
Original Air Date: March 21, 1934

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Episode Overview

This episode spotlights a full hour of vintage variety entertainment from the golden age of radio, headlined by the legendary Fred Allen. The highlight is the signature comedy sketch, “Judge Allen’s Cut Rate Court,” featuring fast-paced, absurdist courtroom hijinks and biting wit. Musical performances by Lenny Hayton and the Ipana Troubadours, the Salapatica Singers, and baritone Theodore Webb add rich variety, while regular cast banter brings plenty of classic, quick-fire humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Show Introduction & Format

Timestamp: 01:03–02:40

• Fred Allen welcomes listeners to the new "Hour of Smiles", promising "60 minutes of real enjoyment for every member of the family" ([01:03]).
• He notes the return of favorite cast members, music, and sponsors, emphasizing continuity with past successes.
• Teases the main comedy sketch: “Judge Allen’s Cut Rate Court.”

“As your master of ceremonies, I solemnly swear that we're going to try to make it 60 minutes of real enjoyment for every member of the family.”
— Fred Allen [01:03]

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2. Passe Newsreel Parody

Timestamp: 02:41–07:01

• Fred presents a spoof newsreel, lampooning the week’s news with absurd sketches and puns.
  • Topics include Yankee baseball, a 71-year-old cutting her third set of teeth, and economic optimism in Albany.
• Rapid-fire “man-on-the-street” interviews mix playful jokes with topical references.

“Abyssinia, Africa, local wits, dance, discuss arrival of prominent American tourists.”
— Fred Allen [02:51]

• Fred jokes about product sponsorship, linking entertainment and advertising in a tongue-in-cheek style.

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3. Musical Interludes

Timestamps: 07:01–07:35; multiple throughout

• The Ipana Troubadours and Salapatica Singers perform whimsical, era-appropriate musical numbers.

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4. Judge Allen's Cut Rate Court – Comedy Sketch

Timestamp: 08:23–28:06
A zany mock courtroom where outlandish cases—and people—are tried with Fred presiding as Judge Allen.

Notable Cases & Moments:

a. Telephone Justice and Judicial Banter

Timestamp: 08:23–09:01

• The court jokingly handles a case “over the phone” with jokes about swearing in via kissing the telephone book.

"Have you got a Bible there? Well, kiss the telephone book."
— Fred Allen [08:28]

b. Window-Breaking Salesman

Timestamp: 09:21–10:05

• A man is charged for breaking a courthouse window in a bid to sell more durable glass, leading to comic arithmetic on fines and a jab at modern payment methods.

c. Public Indecency—Banter in the Streets

Timestamp: 11:04–13:16

• Gwendolyn Smug accuses two men of using indecent language after a traffic accident, but their recounting is hilariously innocent.

“Their language was so bad, a statue of Lincoln stopped freeing two slaves and gave them a dirty look.”
— Gwendolyn Smug [11:35]

d. Pet Shoplifting Case

Timestamp: 13:16–17:16

• Mr. Pink Bound, a pet shop owner, accuses Minnie Pilch of stealing a cat. Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen) is a witness, revealing humorous family details and misunderstandings about raccoons and ostrich eggs.
• Absurd testimony includes a “porcupine” in a pocket that turns out to be a “breathing pin cushion.”

“No, Mrs. Pink Bomb couldn't find the raccoon, but she said she'd let me look at a skunk.”
— Portland [14:51]

e. Drunken Hymn Singer

Timestamp: 17:32–18:27

• A man found singing outside a church is fined for "holding his own services."

f. Opera House Absurdities

Timestamp: 18:27–21:11

• Multiple witnesses recount a series of misfortunes triggered by a dropped buck, resulting in a maimed piccolo player, a ruined opera, chaos, and an improbable (and escalating) chain reaction that, by comic logic, leads to depression and world chaos.
• Satirical parody of “the house that Jack built” narrative structure.

"You are the wretch who threw the buck that tempted the man that crushed the hand, that played the piccolo that spoiled the song that caused the man to fall out of his seat and faint on the shoulder that belonged to the woman that married the man that fired the shot, that killed himself and started the crash that caused the depression that may result in another world war."
— Fred Allen [21:14]

• The culprit receives a never-ending series of whimsical punishments.

g. Trial of the Count (Did He Kill Rasputin?)

Timestamp: 22:26–26:53

• The court hosts the ex-Count of Russia, accused of “not killing Rasputin.” The sketch is a riot of absurd testimony, comic Russian accents, and farcical “evidence.”
• The Count claims to have done so, describes the act in increasing exaggeration, ultimately “blowing himself up.”

“First I put poison on the cheek, but the rat wouldn't eat it. Then I set fire to his beard. Was his face red?”
— The Count [25:52]

• Ends with Judge Allen’s verdict: “Sweep him up. I’m sending him up the river. For 10 years.” ([26:53])

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5. Musical Interlude & Radio Nostalgia

Timestamp: 26:53–28:06

• Transition back to music, invoking the nostalgia of Jerome Kern’s Sally and other musical selections.
• Recap and appreciation for the audience, lightheartedly stating the show’s mission: “If we've brought you a smile or two, we're very happy indeed.”

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6. Question Box Comedy

Timestamp: 29:08–31:14

• Fred answers a humorous listener letter about an excessively bushy beard caused by a botched tonsil operation, delivering a series of whimsical solutions involving hybrid utensils and oddball strategies for eating through the beard.

“To help beard owners with the soup dilemma, I have invented a combination comb and soup spoon which is getting excellent results at House of David banquets.”
— Fred Allen [29:08]

• Encourages audience letters for future comedic advice.

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7. Show Closing & Announcements

Timestamp: 31:14–33:19

• Playfully previews next program’s content, including:
  • Weather (“Weather reports Thursday fair probably followed by Friday, Saturday and Sunday.” [31:18])
  • Stock market advice (“Put it away and forget about it.” [31:25])
• Promo for a dental charm contest and encouragement to tune in again.
• Acknowledges the sponsors (Ipana and Salapatica) who “bring you this hour of smiles.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|----------------|-------| | 01:03 | Fred Allen | “As your master of ceremonies, I solemnly swear that we're going to try to make it 60 minutes of real enjoyment for every member of the family.” | | 02:51 | Fred Allen | “The passe news sees nothing. Shows all Abyssinia, Africa, local wits, dance, discuss arrival of prominent American tourists.” | | 08:28 | Fred Allen | “Have you got a Bible there? Well, kiss the telephone book.” | | 11:35 | Gwendolyn Smug | “Their language was so bad, a statue of Lincoln stopped freeing two slaves and gave them a dirty look.” | | 14:51 | Portland | “No, Mrs. Pink Bomb couldn't find the raccoon, but she said she'd let me look at a skunk...” | | 21:14 | Fred Allen | “...You are the wretch who threw the buck that tempted the man that crushed the hand, that played the piccolo that spoiled the song that caused the man to fall out of his seat and faint on the shoulder...” | | 25:52 | The Count | “First I put poison on the cheek, but the rat wouldn't eat it. Then I set fire to his beard. Was his face red?” | | 29:08 | Fred Allen | “To help beard owners with the soup dilemma, I have invented a combination comb and soup spoon which is getting excellent results at House of David banquets.” |

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Episode Flow and Tone

The episode brims with smart, surreal humor and rapid-fire wordplay, blending variety show traditions with Allen’s pointed social satire. The cast’s playful chemistry brings a warm, family-friendly vibe, while musical segments anchor the show with a nostalgic, spirited energy. Fred Allen's dry, deadpan delivery pokes fun at authority, commercialism, and the general absurdity of modern life, offering smiles at every turn.

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Suggested Listening Timestamps

• Show Introduction: 01:03–02:40
• Passe Newsreel Spoof: 02:41–07:01
• Cut Rate Court Madness: 08:23–28:06
• Q&A Comedy: 29:08–31:14
• Musical/Closing Announcements: 31:14–33:19

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Final Thoughts

This “Hour of Smiles” delivers just that: classic musical numbers, whirlwind banter, and the inimitable, tongue-in-cheek humor of Fred Allen—a perfect window into the heyday of American radio comedy.

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Transcript

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[Fred Allen]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and more than welcome to our new full hour radio show which we are calling the Hour of Smiles. As your master of ceremonies, I solemnly swear that we're going to try to make it 60 minutes of real enjoyment for every member of the family. Later in the program I'll take you to Judge Allen's Cut Rate Court where you'll meet Jack Smart, Irwin Delmore, Lionel Standom and Irva Pius, Eileen Douglas and Fortland Hoffer. I don't think I've ever told you before, but Portland in private life is Mrs. Fred Allen. I just want to mention it so that our many friends who have been so loyal to us on our other series will know that Portland can't get away and that you are going to hear all of your favorites on this Hour of Smiles. For good measure, we'll have more music more beautiful than ever. We bring you the Ipana Troubadours under the direction of your old friend Lenny Hayton, the Salopatica Singers, the and also that well known baritone of radio and the concert stage, Mr. Theodore Webb. All of this in one glorious hour, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, they may laugh when you walk up to the loudspeaker as this program starts, but they will be amazed when you leave your radio an hour later with a college education, a thorough knowledge of the dollar situation and three tubes blown out. While you're still aghast at this treat in store for you, Lenny Hayden and his Ipana Troubadours will start you dancing around your loudspeakers With. I like the likes of you. Thank you, Lenny. And now I'm going to ask the salopatic or Quartet.

[Court Clerk]

Flash, Mr. Allen.

[Fred Allen]

And flash to you, sir. Have you got news?

[Court Clerk]

Yes. You're introducing the wrong number.

[Fred Allen]

Now wait a minute. Who are you?

[Court Clerk]

I'm the picture operator. The newsreels are next.

[Fred Allen]

Say, that's right. Thank you for butting in.

[Court Clerk]

Oh, it's no trouble. I'll butt in again sometime.

[Fred Allen]

Well, I wish you were next. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll hear the news of the day. As your passe news cameraman, I pry into the nooks and crannies of old mother Earth for your entertainment and instruction. The screen is lowered, the studio darkened. The camera starts. And we bring you the highlights from the news of the week. The passe news. The passe news sees nothing. Shows all Abyssinia, Africa, local wits, dance, discuss arrival of prominent American tourists.

[Detective]

Hey, timber. Who that lady I seen you with?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

That was no lady. That was Mr. Insult.

[Fred Allen]

Yankees training camp. New York plays first baseball game of the season. Go. Man throws out first gate crasher. Ticket.

[Detective]

Ticket.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Hey, you.

[Detective]

Where's your ticket?

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Why?

[Court Clerk]

Listen, I'm a personal friend of One Eyed Conley.

[Detective]

Yes, Gram, you muzzler.

[Fred Allen]

J. Ruth takes his first swing at the ball.

[Court Clerk]

Thank you, folks. I'm gonna hit 52 home runs this season. I have to get around the bases on a wheelchair.

[Fred Allen]

Beloit, Wisconsin. Mrs. Wisdom, 71 years young, is cutting her.

[Detective]

Third set of teeth.

[Fred Allen]

Mrs.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Wisdom, is this for the movie?

[Fred Allen]

Yes, Mrs. Wisdom, but you can't talk with that teething ring in your.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, yes, I'm just a cutting and I do.

[Fred Allen]

Well, tell us how it feels to cut your third set of teeth.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Well, it ain't so hot. I'm 71 today and a woman of my age ain't got in the business of drooling like a baby in a eating spinach. My husband's sore as old. Get out.

[Fred Allen]

Is that right, Mr. Wisdom?

[Court Clerk]

Well, I don't mind Henrietta spouting her.

[Fred Allen]

Third set of teeth, young man, that's fine.

[Court Clerk]

But if she stuck starts throwing a new tongue, I'm off to Reno.

[Fred Allen]

Albany, N.Y. business upswing gains momentum. Passe news gets opinions from men on the street. Thomas Prune, freelance florist, airs his views. And they need airing.

[Detective]

Well, folks, I used to be a white collar man, but one day my laundry didn't come back.

[Fred Allen]

Never mind. Never mind your laundry. How is business?

[Detective]

Business is great. I've been selling Easter lily bulbs for 20 years, but I never seen things opening up the way they are this year.

[Fred Allen]

Miami, Florida. Mr. Crab, owner of the Soft Boarding House.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I'm getting $25 a day for a.

[Fred Allen]

Room with bowl and pitcher. Happy days are here again. This new service will be brought to you each week, ladies and gentlemen. And so then, for all of the news that's fit to hear, don't miss our passe service. And now the Salapatica quartet bring you great day. If I knew anything about music, I'd probably say that was great. But all I know is what Will Rogers doesn't read in the papers, that leaves me the want ads and the business opportunities. And I'll be glad to let you know what's going on from time to time. At least on this hour program. I'll have a chance to talk to you occasionally, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope you're going to like this new arrangement. And I'll tell you why. Many people say that you cannot successfully sell two different products on the same radio program. But I don't agree. And that is why I have persuaded the Bristol Myers Company to try this full hour show. I know that if we bring you an hour of smiles and melody each week, you'll surely remember the two famous Bristol Meyer products. Not one, but two products I, Pana and Salapatica are making this entertainment possible. And I know that you will be more than willing to hear what we have to tell you about them for our mutual benefits. And now, Theodore Webb, or Teddy, as we call him for shorts, when we call him for shorts, Ted Webb and the Salafatica Singers will give us wagon wheels.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Trains rushing here and there, flying machines flashing through the air. Automobiles are shiny and new.

[Fred Allen]

Gentlemen, there are smiles you get from I. Panner. And there are musical smiles that you get from the Ipana Troubadours playing a medley from gold diggers of 1933 with Lenny Hayton at the piano. Thank you, Lenny. And thank you, Troubadours.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

You're welcome, friends.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, that's all right, boys. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you my little show tonight. We take you to Judge Allen's court. And while we pause for you to hear from your station announcer, I'll dust off the prisoners and be waiting for you on the bench. Court will open in just a minute.

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[Court Clerk]

Hello? Yeah, Judge Allen's chambers. Yeah, he'll talk. You can't stop him.

[Fred Allen]

Hello? Yes, yes, I try cases over the phone. You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Have you got a Bible there? Well, kiss the telephone book. Hello? Hello? No, the Operator cut us off. That guy got away with a suspended sentence.

[Court Clerk]

Well, court's ready, Judge.

[Fred Allen]

Say, plug up that knothole in my gavel, will ya? It makes a draft when I rap for order.

[Court Clerk]

Okay. Say, listen, you better put on your ear laps. There's no steam on in the court.

[Fred Allen]

Well, I'll just sit on my hot water bag. Let's go.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Rise, please. He's Honor, Judge Allen.

[Detective]

Good morning.

[Fred Allen]

Good morning, felons. Here, here. You take that derby off.

[Detective]

I can't take my hat off, Judge. I'm a detective.

[Fred Allen]

What size shoes do you wear?

[Detective]

11 and a half.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, a sergeant, eh?

[Detective]

Yes, sir.

[Fred Allen]

First case. What was that?

[Court Clerk]

A rock.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

You honestly.

[Fred Allen]

I know it was a rock, but who threw it?

[Detective]

Here he is, Judge. I've seen him break your window. Here's the brick.

[Fred Allen]

Good work, officer. Well, a left winger, hey.

[Court Clerk]

No, sir. No, sir. I'm president of the Neverbus Glass Company.

[Fred Allen]

I don't care who you are. You broke one of the courthouse windows.

[Court Clerk]

Well, now, if you use Neverbus Glass, it wouldn't have happened.

[Fred Allen]

Is business so bad you've got to go around throwing stones?

[Court Clerk]

I would just demonstrate.

[Fred Allen]

Well, now I'll demonstrate. That pane of glass will cost you five dollars.

[Court Clerk]

Here. All I've got is a ten dollar bill.

[Fred Allen]

I can't change that. Got any change, clerk?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I'm broke myself, you, Honor.

[Court Clerk]

Well, I can't wait around here all day. Give me that rock.

[Fred Allen]

Here, here. What are you doing?

[Court Clerk]

Two windows at $5 makes it $10 even.

[Fred Allen]

Okay, here's your receipt. Get that AMEX Gold Card ready.

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[Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Representative]

I'm here on the job site with Dale, who's a framing contractor.

[Fred Allen]

Hey, good morning.

[Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Representative]

Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most.

[Fred Allen]

Yep, they sure are.

[Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Representative]

We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs. All in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down.

[Fred Allen]

It's all right.

[Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Representative]

We're so far up here.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Look at me.

[Fred Allen]

Take a deep breath.

[Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Representative]

I'm good. So good.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Get a commercial auto insurance.

[Fred Allen]

Quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico. Next case.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Gwendolyn Smug versus Bill Sykes and Tim Powell.

[Fred Allen]

Watch the story, Gwendolyn.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, Judge. These men should be electrified.

[Fred Allen]

For what?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, the language they were using in public. I'm stunted. I know. I'll never grow another inch.

[Fred Allen]

Well, don't start growing in here. I'll have to send you to a higher court. What happened?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Well, that man with the embroidered ear is a taxi driver.

[Fred Allen]

And I suppose the one with no upper lip is a movie star?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

No, he drives a truck. The taxi ran into the truck.

[Fred Allen]

And you say an exchange of banter followed the collision?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Yes. Their language was so bad, a statue of Lincoln stopped freeing two slaves and gave them a dirty look.

[Fred Allen]

The discourse was potent.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Hey, why it finally got so blood curdling? The fox collar jumped off my fur coat and ran up an alley.

[Fred Allen]

Fancy. Thank you. Bill Sykes and Tim Foul nudge. Not guilty, your honor. What was this collision?

[Detective]

It was a slight mishap, judge.

[Court Clerk]

Yeah, I nudged his vehicle with me care.

[Fred Allen]

You nudged him?

[Detective]

Yeah, His Winchester shield fell in me lap, and we was laughing about it.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I thought I'd die when I found.

[Court Clerk]

Toby spark plugs in me bridge work. I was hysterical.

[Fred Allen]

What was this? What was this menacing chitchat Ms. Smug purports to her?

[Detective]

Nothing. We was gabbing away like a couple of debut tansies.

[Fred Allen]

I see. Now, what did you say?

[Detective]

Well, ever being the soul of K, First I give Mr. Fal me, and then I said, condolences. Old founder.

[Fred Allen]

Yep, that's right.

[Court Clerk]

And I says, I'm too, too sorry, Mr. Sykes.

[Detective]

Then we started laughing and shaking hands.

[Fred Allen]

Did you say anything else? No.

[Court Clerk]

Oh, I asked Mr. Sykes how the.

[Detective]

Cold was affecting, and then I invited him to the Uy Moifey Club for lunch.

[Fred Allen]

And that's all the gospel truth, your honor.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, they're perjuring, judge.

[Fred Allen]

Why?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

When they finish cursing, you could smell brimstone.

[Fred Allen]

What were the exact words?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, they're not fit for a decent person to hear.

[Fred Allen]

Fine. Just whisper them in my ear.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, you can't use these words as evident.

[Fred Allen]

No, but I can use them in my golf game. It's terrible lately.

[Court Clerk]

Newbert Pink Bound versus Mini Pilch Charge. Shoplifting in a pet and animal shop.

[Fred Allen]

Are you the owner of the shop? Pink Bound?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

You said it, judge, my pal. And anytime you're liking to get a hippopotamus wholesale coming to me if I.

[Fred Allen]

Decide to turn in my last year's Hippopotamus, you will certainly get my business.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes, I'm selling animals from A to Z, from anteriors to zebras.

[Fred Allen]

But what about this shoplifting?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Your honor, this woman is coming to my shop to prize a second hand Pekingese. Yes, and I'm turning my back to look over some puppies. When I'm turning around, then slap me down and mo, this cat is missing.

[Fred Allen]

Guilty or not guilty, Minnie?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Not guilty, Judge. This guy is squirrel bait.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes. So who's stealing my pussycats or who?

[Fred Allen]

Order, order please. Any witnesses?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes, Judge. Was a little girl standing in a shop. She's right here now, standing.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Hello.

[Fred Allen]

Oh hello Portland. What do you know about this cake?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, I was in the pet store shopping for Papa.

[Fred Allen]

Shopping for what?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, Papa's raccoon coat has a hole in the elbow.

[Fred Allen]

Uh huh. From leaning on bars, eh?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

I'll intimate. Mahogany's hard on raccoon skin.

[Fred Allen]

So I've heard. But what were you doing in Pink Bomb's shop?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Papa wants to buy a little raccoon.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, it's just a small hole in it coat, huh?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

No, but if he can buy a raccoon puppy cheap, he can fatten it up all summer. And next winner, it'll be big enough to make a patch for his coat.

[Fred Allen]

I get it. Did you buy the raccoon?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

No, Mrs. Pink Bomb couldn't find the raccoon, but she said she'd let me look at a skunk, so she called Pink Bomb.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Look again, she's intimating.

[Fred Allen]

Order, order please.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Listen, the witness is getting balled up. Judge, my fowl.

[Fred Allen]

No I'm not.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

His wife said they were all out of raccoons, that they expected some eggs in any day.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Listen, raccoons done coming from eggs.

[Fred Allen]

Here, here. Order please. Continue, Portland.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, when he said eggs, I thought about getting some ostrich eggs for grandpa.

[Fred Allen]

Does grandpa like large omelettes?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

No, but he's nearsighted and I thought I could make him some colored ostrich eggs for Easter.

[Fred Allen]

Say, he could see those.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

All right, I'll intimate. Last year Papa bought an ostrich to get the eggs direct.

[Fred Allen]

Doing away with the middleman, eh?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Well Judge, how am I doing with the cake?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Yeah, I got a name, Judge. I gotta kick it for the cat show. You hear that Judge?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

She's not only stealing my cat, she's putting him in a cat show.

[Fred Allen]

Order, order please. Do you think the defendant is guilty?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Portland, I don't know anything about the lady's character, but I saw a porcupine peeking out of her pocket.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, it's a lie, judge. It wasn't no porcupine. It was a pin cushion I lifted in the 5 and 10.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, if it was, the pin cushion was breathing.

[Fred Allen]

Hear, hear. Order, please.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I don't like to be buttoned in.

[Detective]

Judge, but you please give me a decision.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

The Blue Eagle says I'm closing up in 15 minutes.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

She took the cat, Mr. Pink Thong. She's guilty of pet larceny.

[Fred Allen]

Yeah. Here. You can't say that.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, look in her coat.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

I'm innocent, Judge.

[Fred Allen]

Watch that lump in your coat.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oh, must be something I ate.

[Fred Allen]

And I suppose that tail hanging out of your sleeve is a hangnail?

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

I'll intimate. Look.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, sir. Search her. Matron gets.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

There he goes.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Come here, pussy. Oh, he'll never find the story. Ain't got the address.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Why, I'm crazy about animals.

[Fred Allen]

You're so fond of animals. I sentence you to 30 days in the Bideway home. Come on, Minnie, get on.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Do I get sentenced too?

[Fred Allen]

No, you can go back to the pet shop. That's.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

Well, I think I'll get Grandpa's peacock through Easter now.

[Fred Allen]

It'll save you a lot of trouble.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

I'll join in. The peacock will lay the Easter eggs. Already colored.

[Fred Allen]

Well, goodbye, Portland Peekaboo.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Next, kids.

[Fred Allen]

Philip, while intoxicated. Here. This is a cafeteria court. What is this?

[Detective]

Officer, I found him singing hymns outside of a church.

[Court Clerk]

Your Honor, I was in no condition to go into the church, so I.

[Fred Allen]

Was holding a service outside. You are holding your own services? Yep, that's right, judge. Fine. Now I'll take up the collection. $10. Okay, start.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

The artist.

[Fred Allen]

The musician. You reached down to pick it up, didn't you?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Certainly. You see? Sure. You see? Well, just as I was sniping it, somebody stepped on my right hand and broke off two of my fingers.

[Fred Allen]

Did that affect your piccolo? Playing at the opera, I should say.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

And all through the performance, I was blowing sour notes.

[Fred Allen]

That's all, Mr. Scale. Madame Pizzicato, I'm not guilty.

[Detective]

You're right.

[Fred Allen]

Quiet. Keep quiet. Wince. Now. Madame Pizzicato, you sang at the opera house that night, didn't you?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oui, your Honor. Oh, it was terrible. The piccolo plague threw me off key.

[Fred Allen]

As I understand it, your obligato ran amok.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Oui, oui. The audience, see? He said me. The gallery, they throw alligator pairs. Oh, my career.

[Court Clerk]

She is giddy.

[Fred Allen]

Everything happens for the best, that's all. Quiet, Quince. I'm not through with you yet. Next witness, Duncan McTavish.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Hey.

[Fred Allen]

Your honor, right here, Mr. McTavish. You were at the opera that night, weren't you?

[Court Clerk]

Hey and hoot. Man, I never heard such screeching and holing.

[Fred Allen]

Where were you sitting, Mr. McTavish?

[Court Clerk]

In the gallery of court. The robbers charged me 25 cents.

[Fred Allen]

Now, tell us what happened when Madame Pizzicato's obligato went awry.

[Court Clerk]

Well, I started hollering for my money back.

[Fred Allen]

Hollering from the gallery?

[Court Clerk]

Ay, I was prepared for the worst. I brought my megaphone.

[Fred Allen]

I see. And in your excitement. Order, please. And in your excitement, you leaned over too far and fell out of the gallery into the orchestra.

[Court Clerk]

Aye, your honor, I fell into an empty seat.

[Fred Allen]

And then what happened?

[Court Clerk]

Well, the usher came up and he said, that seat will cost you $8.80. Then everything went black and I fainted.

[Fred Allen]

That's all, Mr. McTavish. Mrs. Van Vanderpe, I'm not guilty. I retired Winch. Now, Mrs. Van Vanderpip, you were seated next to the empty chair into which McTavish fell.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Yes, your honor.

[Portland (Mrs. Fred Allen)]

I was holding that seat for my husband.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

He hadn't arrived yet. Oh, my poor husband.

[Fred Allen]

Please, please, madam, control yourself. I'll see that justice is done. Now, when Mr. McTavish fainted, he slumped over with his head on your shoulder.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Yes, and that's when my husband came in. And when he saw a strange man's head on my shoulder, he went mad with jealousy and he killed himself.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I'm not Will be done.

[Fred Allen]

We'll see about that. Senator Flounder.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes, your honor.

[Fred Allen]

Senator, you knew Mrs. Van Vanderpip's husband?

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Yes, your honor.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Mr. Van Vanderpit was a very important, important figure on the stock exchange.

[Fred Allen]

What effect did his suicide have on the market?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Why, it caused prices to trouble, wiping out billions. Banks and factories were closed. Millions were thrown out of work into the breadlines. The whole world was shaken into a state of great chaos from which it is only now beginning.

[Fred Allen]

Glory.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I'm not guilty, judge.

[Fred Allen]

No, Casper Wentz, you're not guilty of smoking a cigar in the subway. But mark you, you are the wretch who threw the buck that tempted the man that crushed the hand, that played the piccolo that spoiled the song that caused the man to fall out of his seat and faint on the shoulder that belonged to the woman that married the man that fired the ship, that killed himself and started the crash that caused the depression that may result in another world war.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

No.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

No, I'm not guilty. No.

[Fred Allen]

I sentence you to five years for maiming the piccolo player.

[Talkspace Sponsor]

No.

[Fred Allen]

10 years for ruining Madame Pizzicaro's obbligato. 15 years net for wear and tear on Mr. McTavish.

[Court Clerk]

How about for 25 cent refund?

[Fred Allen]

99 years for the murder of Mr. Van Vanderpeer.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

No.

[Fred Allen]

And life at hard labor for 20.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Treason to your country.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

No, no.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Let me go.

[Court Clerk]

Oh.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Your honor, Will has killed himself.

[Fred Allen]

Killed himself? That'll be 10 years more for contempt of court. This is Judge Allen's chambers.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Send him in.

[Fred Allen]

Who is it? Some firing is here to see you.

[Court Clerk]

Oh, good morning, judge.

[Fred Allen]

Good morning.

[Detective]

This individual you are calling a judge? Fui.

[Fred Allen]

Something tells me you're guilty. Before we meet.

[Court Clerk]

No, no, I'll explain. This is the count of Vonicek, formerly.

[Detective]

In the service of his imperial highness Tsar Nikolai Nikolovich of royalist Russia.

[Fred Allen]

Well, come to the point quickly. My gavel is getting cold.

[Court Clerk]

Your honor, we brought the count here to be tried for not killing Rasputin.

[Fred Allen]

Why, Count, you might go to jail for that. Very lovely.

[Detective]

You see, ever since Soviet Russia has exiled all the nobles of royal blood, I have nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. So I would love to go to an American prison and study Whitley.

[Fred Allen]

Well, you want to be a whittler, hey?

[Detective]

Precisely. Who knows, maybe I could even learn to be a chiseler.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Ha, ha.

[Detective]

Good job.

[Fred Allen]

Well, come into the courtroom and I'll try your case. Just follow me.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Price, please. His honor, judge.

[Fred Allen]

Never mind that.

[Detective]

Clerk.

[Fred Allen]

Clerk. Never mind that. Call this murder case the people versus.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

The count of Dwarnacek.

[Court Clerk]

Prosputing attorneys ready?

[Detective]

I am ready too. I will defend myself.

[Fred Allen]

You say the count is accused of not killing Rasputin?

[Court Clerk]

Quite so.

[Fred Allen]

Your honor, the very serious charge. Call your first witness. Very well.

[Court Clerk]

Abraham Pinsk.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes, sir. Abraham. Johnny. Under spare.

[Court Clerk]

Take the stand. Now, Mr. Pinsk, who killed Rasputin?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I killed Rasputin. I object.

[Fred Allen]

On what grounds?

[Detective]

It is irrelevant, immaterial, impossible, inconsequential, and an insult.

[Fred Allen]

Objection overruled.

[Court Clerk]

Your witness. Count, you may examine in.

[Detective]

Okay, now, my honorable. Mr.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Yes, my pal? Anything you are asking me, I am telling you.

[Detective]

What was your precise position in royalist Russia?

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

I was the second vice president of the Society for a prevention of Rasputin. You are putting your foot in that time. I am putting in yachting.

[Fred Allen]

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Just answer the questions, Mr. Pinsk.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Okay, Judge. My legal friend. What a messkin. I mean, IMS king. I am answering.

[Detective]

Who killed Kakra?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

I killed Kakra.

[Detective]

I object.

[Fred Allen]

I pass. Now here. Wait a minute, boys. Call the next witness.

[Detective]

The Countess of Dzek, second cousin to The Romanov and grand niece of the Rubinov.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Coming. The army. Don't rush me.

[Detective]

Take the stand, my little one. Judge, this is my wife. This is the judge.

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Ah, pleasures. Judge, I am so delightful to meet you. Oh, you must come in to see us sometime. Husband, family?

[Fred Allen]

Now, madam, did your husband kill Rasputin?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

Did he kill Rasputin? Can a duck swim?

[Fred Allen]

Yeah. Don't change the subject. Counters. What do you know about Rasputin?

[Countess of Dzek / Other Female Characters]

All I know is what I see in the movie.

[Fred Allen]

Ignorance is no excuse, madam. Count, take the stand yourself.

[Detective]

Okay, Judge, as you see in America, I'll tell you the whole story. From Duke to nuts to you.

[Fred Allen]

What happened the night Rasputin was killed?

[Detective]

Well, it was like this. A bunch of the Kazakhs were whooping us up. When in walk that dangerous monk, Rash Putin, he goes right to the free lunch counter.

[Fred Allen]

Yum, yum. Now we're getting someplace. What happened, sir?

[Detective]

First I put poison on the cheek, but the rat wouldn't eat it.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Then?

[Detective]

Then I set fire to his beard. Was his face red?

[Fred Allen]

Watch your vernacular, Count.

[Detective]

Well, then I give him some poisoned wine. Then I run him through with my saber. Then I shot him 46 consecutive times. Then I threw him into the river.

[Fred Allen]

What did you do then?

[Detective]

Then I killed him.

[Court Clerk]

Your Honor, I'd like to examine the defendant.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Go ahead, look me over, kid.

[Court Clerk]

Now, Couch, you didn't actually do all those naughty things Rasputin, did you?

[Detective]

I did. I killed Rasputin.

[Court Clerk]

Why, you wouldn't have a fly.

[Detective]

Is that so? Show me a fly, I'll tear it to pieces.

[Fred Allen]

Just a minute. How tough are you? Count, I will show you.

[Detective]

You see this bomb here?

[Fred Allen]

Here. Wait a minute.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Put that down.

[Detective]

I will explode this bomb in my bare seat.

[Court Clerk]

I say, Judge, the count has blown himself to pieces. What shall we do?

[Fred Allen]

You better sweep him up. I'm sending him up the river. For 10 years. Are the two products that stand back of the hour of smiles. And now, Lenny Hayton, the Ipana Troubadours and the Salopatica Singers. Love Is Love anywh. And that brings us to a medley of songs from a famous show of yesterday. I know many of you recall the musical success Sally with music by Jerome Kern. Remember Leon Errol with the Wobbly Legs and Marilyn Miller with charming songs and dances. Well, Sir Ted Webb, the Salopatica Singers and I, pana Troubadours under the direction of Lenny Hayton, already with a medley from Sally. Before I open my question box, ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for attending Our first hour of smiles. If you've enjoyed the music, if we've brought you a smile or two, we're very happy indeed.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

And in that connection, Mr. Allen, if I may interrupt, I'd like to remind our listeners of the two products which bring them this hour of smiles. The first is I Panna. Why don't you begin the use of I Panna tonight? Brush your teeth with it and wear a smile that shows teeth gleaming white. Massage your gums with Ipana. Keep them firm and healthy. Don't have pink toothbrush. Get a tube of I Pana. Remember, too, the benefits of the other product that stands behind this hour of smiles, the product that brings you the smile of normal, buoyant health, the mineral salt laxative, Salopatica. Ipana. Salapatica. Remember both products when you think of this program and speak to your friends about it. Together they make this program possible. Ipana and Salapatica. Thank you. And now Mr. Allen ambles over to his question box.

[Fred Allen]

Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Well, the question box still has no word from Dillinger. But this postcard mark, delivered under protest, comes from Mr. Jack Roach at St. Louis, Missouri. Mr. Roach says, quote, some years ago, during a tonsil operation, the family doctor accidentally removed my Adam's apple. So many people ask me about the missing apple that I had to grow a beard in self defense. Now the beard is so heavy I cannot find my mouth in it. During meals, I keep sticking forks into my cheek and when I try to eat soup, my beard looks like a well dunked beaver. Can you help me? Unquote. You have come to the right party, Mr. Roach. The beard problem is so old, it has whiskers on it. To help beard owners with the soup dilemma, I have invented a combination comb and soup spoon which is getting excellent results at House of David banquet. The comb starts at the nostrils and when the mouth is reached, the spoon tips up and empties its contents. Or if you don't care to buy one of my combination Coleman spoons, you might try saying Walla Walla during your meals and inserting snacks of food as the mouth opens wide on the first syllable.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Wah.

[Fred Allen]

If all of this is too much trouble, Mr. Rhodes, how about fasting for three days? On the morning of the fourth day, pass a bit of torture. Toast nimbly around the outskirts of your beard. As your mouth snaps at the toast, you can insert a bookmark. Now that you have the place and the time, how about a sizzling hot platter of dropped eggs on lady fingers? Mr. Roach, if you do have a problem pecking at your peace of mind, ladies and gentlemen. Why not send it to me on a postcard? And I shall be happy to show you the way out even as I have shown Mr. Roach the way in tonight. This is Fred Allen saying good spelled I panna night spelled Salapana. And don't forget, next Wednesday night, the Hour of Smiles brings you comedy. Drama.

[Detective]

Chris, you Nelly Bly take that.

[Fred Allen]

Weather reports Thursday fair probably followed by.

[Various Characters (e.g., Mr. Pink Bound, Gwendolyn Smug)]

Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

[Fred Allen]

Stock market advice.

[Court Clerk]

Put it away and forget about it.

[Fred Allen]

And music.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Two weeks from tonight, ladies and gentlemen, on April 4th, the makers of Ipana will announce on this program the Hour of Smiles complete details of a dental charm contest open to every girl and young woman in the United States. Three winners will receive free trips to the Chicago World's Fair. Winner of first prize will be the official dental charm girl of the Century of Progress, 1934. Next week, tune in on the Hour of Smiles for another riot of fun with Fred Allen, music by Lenny Hayton and the Ipana troubadours, the Salapantica Singers, and as an added attraction, a charming guest star, Ms. Norma Terrace.

[Talkspace Sponsor]

It.

[Musical Performer / Announcer]

Among the musical selections heard on this.

[Fred Allen]

Program this evening were included. I like the likes of you from the Music Fell Follies, Rise and Shine from Take a Chance and who from Sunny. This is the National Broadcasting Company.