Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) "To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee"
Aired: August 31, 2025

This episode brings listeners an authentic slice of 1930s radio humor and variety, starring Fred Allen and his ensemble. The format blends fast-moving sketch comedy, topical gags, musical interludes, and satirical “news” as it lampoons current events, newspaper culture, domestic foibles, and the eternal struggle over hair loss (and toupees). The episode is framed around a fictitious newspaper office, “Bedlam News,” providing a chaotic springboard for absurdity, banter, and a winking question-and-answer segment about toupees.

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Key Discussion Points & Sketches

1. Satirical Newsreel Parodies ([00:16]–[04:00])

• “Bedlam News” kicks off with a spoof of newsreel broadcasts:
  • Baseball season in New York, featuring a woman buying tickets just to stalk her runaway husband, now rumored to play for the Giants.
    • Quote:
      • Bedlam News Editor: "Are you a regular baseball fan?"
      • Fred Allen (as Mrs. Snug): "Fan nothing. I don't even care about the game. My husband ran away two years ago, and I hear he's playing second base for the Giants." ([00:52])
  • Farcical foreign news: Mussolini taxes bachelors, single men bemoan their finances, and babies train for a parade in Atlantic City.
  • Dillinger robs a police station, highlighting the rapid-fire punchlines and mock interviews with “local” characters.

2. Inside the “Bedlam News” Office ([04:00]–[13:38])

• Newspaper Chaos:
  • Fred Allen (the editor) and his staff handle wild callers, typographical mishaps, and cranky contributors.
  • Quotes & Notable Moments:
    • “Well, if the Bedlam News is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them.” — Bedlam News Editor, joking about tying meat to their papers ([04:32])
    • Society column scandal: a typo leads to a risqué misprint.
      • “We only said she has the biggest parties in the 400.” ([04:52])
      • Fred Allen: “I know, but there was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?” ([04:56])
    • Satirical office gags: cartoonists unable to find the right “pow,” moronic visitors, and flustered sports editors.
    • Running gags about classifieds, such as a want ad trading penguins for a hot water bottle ([10:22]).
  • Portland Hoffa Visit:
    • Running jokes about her father misunderstanding punctuation and the family applying the “newspaper’s” dubious beauty tips.
    • Fred Allen: “Her wrinkles went away. Her mouth almost closed up.” ([12:14])

3. “Inquiring Reporter” Street Sketch ([14:10]–[16:36])

• Mock Vox Populi Segment:
  • The "reporter" asks passersby their thoughts on new income tax laws and other government proposals.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • "If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I won’t stand for it! … Who, me? Why, I haven’t had a job in five years. I’m a preferred bum.” — An everyman respondent ([14:40])
    • The segment descends into increasingly absurd interactions, culminating in mistaken identity as a federal agent and slapstick with a police officer.

4. Domestic Comedy: The Bridge Club Family ([17:59]–[22:37])

• Family Melodrama:
  • Junior and his father set out to retrieve their mother from a late-night bridge game.
  • Skewers family life and suburban bridge obsessions; heavy with broad, sentimental but comic dialogue.
  • Memorable Moments:
    • “I heard her bid the grand Slam in her sleep last night.” — Junior ([18:53])
    • “Lose her shirt? She's already lost two of my shirts. Blames it on the laundry.” — Bedlam News Editor ([18:26])
    • Climax involves Junior’s melodramatic illness, resolved with over-the-top family pledges to abandon bridge.

5. Question Box: “To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee” ([22:37]–[24:30])

• Listener Query:
  • Query from “Mr. Manuel S. Laerfeld” about whether to face baldness or buy a toupee.
• Fred Allen’s Monologue:
  • Wry philosophical answer crammed with puns and mock advice.
    • Notable Quotes:
      • "Many men ramble through their 50s and 60s trying to get by on one hair… until the hare tires of it all and kisses the scalp a hurried goodbye in self-defense." ([23:10])
      • "With the toupee it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead.” ([23:40])
      • “Ask the man who combs one.” ([24:04])
  • Classic Fred Allen sign-off and a teaser for the next week’s “comedy drama.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

(Speaker attribution and timestamps included)

• On the tribulations of journalism:
  • "Well, if the Bedlam News is going to the dogs, we’ve got to cater to them." — Bedlam News Editor ([04:32])
• Society column typo:
  • “I know, but there was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?” — Fred Allen ([04:56])
• On tax woes:
  • "If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I won’t stand for it!" — Interviewee ([14:40])
• Toupee advice:
  • "With the toupee it isn’t the upkeep, it’s the overhead." — Fred Allen ([23:40])
  • "If perspiration on the forehead is any criterion, the man with the toupee is the hottest man in town." — Fred Allen ([23:45])
  • "If you distrust my advice ... ask the man who combs one." — Fred Allen ([24:04])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Satirical Newsreel Parody: [00:16]–[04:00]
• Bedlam News Office/Staff Gags: [04:00]–[13:38]
• Portland Hoffa Segment: [10:40]–[13:38]
• “Inquiring Reporter” Segment: [14:10]–[16:36]
• Bridge Club/Domestic Comedy: [17:59]–[22:37]
• Question Box (Toupee Advice): [22:37]–[24:30]

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode captures the breakneck, joke-a-minute pace of Golden Age radio, heavily laden with puns, topical satire, and affectionate mockery of both popular culture and everyday struggles. Fred Allen’s dry, quick wit and the chemistry among his cast create a tapestry of playful irreverence and comic cynicism. His closing “question box” monologue is especially notable for its blend of wordplay and faux wisdom.

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In Summary

To listeners new or old, this Fred Allen “Hour of Smiles” episode offers a zany, rapid-fire tour through 1930s humor: from hapless journalists and outrageous social scenes to classic one-liners about hair loss and questionable newspaper beauty tips. Its format, gags, and pacing remain a vibrant reminder of why families, pre-television, would gather to laugh with the radio.

Transcript

[Fred Allen]

Wayfarer's Labor Day clearance is here right now. Score up to 70 off everything home, plus fast shipping on everything right to your door Shop now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Bedlam News Editor]

The curtain is lowered, the studio darkened. The camera starts and we bring you the latest news of the week. Bedlam news sees nothing, shows all. Baseball season opens and crowds throng parks to greet their favorites. New York City. Mrs. Oswald Snug buys first ticket for the Giants opening game. You have to wait in line very long to buy the first ticket, Mrs. Snug.

[Fred Allen]

Well, I stood my ground for two days and two nights, but it's worth it.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Are you a regular baseball fan?

[Fred Allen]

Fan nothing. I don't even care about the game. My husband ran away two years ago, and I hear he's playing second base for the Giants. If he is.

[Bedlam News Editor]

If he is, you'll see he gets home all right. Huh?

[Fred Allen]

You said it, busybody.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Mr. Adam Hartburn buys the first frankfurter. Yeah, get him red hot. Get him while they're hot.

[Fred Allen]

Here.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Hey, let me have one of them pork zeppelins, son. Mustard and chili. Yeah, give me the works. Pardon me. Will you pose for a picture, Mr. Hotburn? Oh, you bet. Catch me taking a first bite. Okay. Man bites dog. This is news. Rome, Italy. Premier Mussolini levies 50% tax on all bachelors. Single man venture opinions behind closed doors. Mr. Garibaldi. Monti. I got a new job. I got a new wife. I got a nothing, but I gotta pay 50%. There's a no place like a room. Sylvester Galopi, man about what's left of town. Shoo. 50% of tax. Married man got a better half. Single man, he's not got an A quarter. I'm lucky. I got a black shirt. I got an odor. Sent to the laundry. Atlantic City, New Jersey. Contestants and approaching baby parade train for prizes. Babies and mothers appear confident. Mrs. Lung, mother of last year's winner, predicts victory.

[Fred Allen]

My baby buster won in 1933. In a dry year this year, he's back on the bottle.

[Bedlam News Editor]

You think Buster'll win again?

[Fred Allen]

It's a cinch. My husband is one of the judges.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Buster Lung speaks for himself.

[Fred Allen]

I'm a hundred to one shot, folks. Last year I came through with one tooth, but I've been using. I panna. And this year I'm going in with three teeth and my gums in great condition.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Warsaw, Indiana. Dillinger holds up local police station and escapes with bulletproof vests and ammunition.

[Fred Allen]

Stop it. There he goes.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Shoot him. In the pants he's got on a bulletproof bat. Shock's a clean getaway. Local officer tells what happened. Well, folks, he just busted in, made himself to hum didn't have much to say, but what he did say was potent. Are you sure it was Dillinger, officer? Yes, sir. Positive. When he took his gun out to my back, I was full of splinters. That's Dillon's wrong. This Bedlam News service will be brought to you each week if you ever seen an army and Navy game. Ladies and gentlemen, I know that you have heard the songs in this next medley. They are the Marine Song, when the Ques on Go Rolling along and Anchors Away, three rousing numbers. You have to admit they'll be sung by Ted Webb, our singing troubadour. Thank you. Lenny Hayton and his I pana Troubadours have just played a medley of tunes from the Ziegfeld Follies of 1934, featured by Lenny's own performance at the piano. And now for my little show tonight, we take you to the office of the Bedlam News. I am the editor, and judging from the wrinkles in my suit here, it's about time I went to press.

[Fred Allen]

Hello? Bedlam News? The editor. Yes, Mr. Allen's here.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Hello. Yes. Yes, the Bedlam News is on the street morning, noon and night. You can pick it up any place. Yes, I know you can. We've had two nasty letters from the street cleaning department. No, the racetrack editor isn't here. Well, he picked two horses yesterday. They didn't come in. Yes, he's getting even. He didn't come in today. Okay.

[Fred Allen]

He has a lot of nerve.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, everything's wrong. I think I'll tie a piece of meat to every paper we print.

[Fred Allen]

Meat? For what?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, if the Bedlam News is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them.

[Fred Allen]

Are your assignments ready?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yes. Tell the society editor there's a dance at the nudist camp tonight. I want him to cover it.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, sir. Mrs. Hi Hatt complained about the society column this morning.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Was her butler listed among the guests again?

[Fred Allen]

No, it was a typographical error.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, we only said she has the biggest parties in the 400.

[Fred Allen]

I know, but there was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?

[Bedlam News Editor]

She'll sue us for plenty.

[Fred Allen]

She'll have to get in line.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Bedlam News. The Associated Press. The headline for the next edition. All right, what is it? The city economy bill has passed. Yes. Mounted policemen will ride three on a horse, huh? That's Bad luck, isn't it? Okay, take that. Ms. Brant.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, sir.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Excuse me, Mr. Allen. Well, if I had the ill luck to meet you socially. No, I'm the new cartoonist. Oh, yes. Well, if you want to draw, I haven't a center. No, no, it isn't that. You see, I can't think of a word to end up this cartoon with. Now let me see. Oh, it's the Ratzing Jam. Appears, eh? Yes. You see, in the last picture, the kids hit the captain over the head with a cane and he says pow. No, Pow is for pie in the face. What about zoom or Zowie? No, zoom is when they hit the captain with a baseball bat. And Zowie's for a kick in the pants. I see. Well, I have my cane here. We might try it. Oh yeah, hit me over the head. Let's see how it sounds. Fine. Take off your hat. Okay, I'm ready. Oh, there you are. What is the word I need? Z. Thanks. Anyone waiting? Miss?

[Fred Allen]

Ben, there's a little boy. The moron.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Send them in. I'll feel at home with either one of them.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, sir.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, this must be him here.

[Fred Allen]

Are we speaking to the editor?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yes. Aren't you flattered meeting the brains of this paper, my little man?

[Fred Allen]

Flattered? I've seen better sheets than this in a 10 cent hotel.

[Bedlam News Editor]

That was funny. All right. Who invited you to crawl into the conversation? Well, I'm with Happy. Oh, you are? Say, what would you charge to act as a strolling nightmare for a man who walks in his sleep?

[Fred Allen]

Now wait a minute, Greely. Lay off my friend.

[Bedlam News Editor]

If I had the mind of a six year old boy, I'd tell you both a thing or two.

[Fred Allen]

Well, we can't hang around here till you grow up mentally.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, good work, Happy. Now wait a minute. This is a newspaper office.

[Fred Allen]

Yeah. You buy bright things of children, don't you?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yes. Which one of you is the child?

[Fred Allen]

I am. I say the bright things.

[Bedlam News Editor]

And who is this gentleman who reeks so strongly of paregoric?

[Fred Allen]

Oh, he's my ghost writer.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yep. Just mention any subject and we'll make up a bright saying that'll slay you. Something about school.

[Fred Allen]

Something snappy about school. Baltimore.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yeah. Come here. Minute.

[Fred Allen]

That's great. I'm ready. So what the teacher said, what caused Adam and Eve to leave the Garden of Eden? And I said, oh, it must have been something they ate.

[Bedlam News Editor]

I just got it myself. That's fine, boys. I'm a little cramped for time here. I'll laugh in shorthand.

[Fred Allen]

What do you generally give with stuff like this?

[Bedlam News Editor]

I generally give people five minutes to get out of my office. That's two and a half minutes apiece for you.

[Fred Allen]

Give me a snappy comeback, Palomar.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, let's beat it. I'll think of something while we're running. Yes, and good riddance.

[Fred Allen]

There's a man outside biting his nails.

[Bedlam News Editor]

See if he wants some mayonnaise.

[Fred Allen]

Yes.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Are you the sporting editor? Yes and no. I'm Wildcat Throckmorton, a common welterweight champ. Oh, yes. I saw your bout last night. Yeah? What's the idea? Brighten up the fight in the obituary column. I saw someone climb into the ring when you went down for the 10th time. And naturally I thought it was the undertaker. No cracks, bum. Why? I was using strategy. I had my opponent on the ropes. I know he kept looking for you every time you fell out of the ring. What do you mean? I was fainting him into position. Position for what? Hide and go seek? Never mind that. I want you to print my story. I'm challenging any part of Carnera. And you can throw in Maxie Bear too. I'll lick them both the same night. You better fight them in Greenland. The nights are six months long up there. Why, you punk. For two pins, 60% of the gate and a split and a picture. Right. That punch you in the nose. Go on, get out of here before I harvest that cauliflower on your e. Now, wait a minute. Don't be hasty. No rough stuff. I'll go quiet. I'll hurry up then, and beat it. No hard feelings, buddy. So long.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, I didn't know you were so brave.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, I knew he wouldn't start anything.

[Fred Allen]

Why not?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Don't be silly. Prize fighters won't fight for nothing these days.

[Fred Allen]

Sad.

[Bedlam News Editor]

No. No. The exchange editor isn't in just now. He's down at the pawn shop exchanging his watch for $2. Yes, the financial editor is with him. He's waiting to borrow the $2. Okay.

[Fred Allen]

The typesetter foam for the want ad column.

[Bedlam News Editor]

There's only one ad. Here. Take it, will you? We'll exchange two used penguins and one compass for electric pad and raccoon coke. Right. Admiral Bird. Box one. Little American.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, sir. There's a little girl outside. She's sitting on pins and needles.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Dress her wounds and send her in.

[Fred Allen]

Hello.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, hello, Portland. I'm glad to see you carrying a copy of the Bedlam News.

[Fred Allen]

Yes. Papa wants you to change it for a clean one.

[Bedlam News Editor]

How did you happen to get a dirty copy?

[Fred Allen]

It isn't really soiled. Papa says the whole paper's full of ink spots in between the words.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Let me see it. I don't see any spots.

[Fred Allen]

See, there's one after that word, however.

[Bedlam News Editor]

However, comma, Listen, tell your father these ink spots are punctuation marks.

[Fred Allen]

He'll never know what those are.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Hasn't he ever heard of punctuation?

[Fred Allen]

I'll intimate that he thinks it's something that happens to a tire.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Punctuate your tire, I guess. I guess he thinks an adverb is one of those sayings like all is not gold in your bridge work.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, I'm not that dumb. I've read the book.

[Bedlam News Editor]

The Book of Adverbs.

[Fred Allen]

I'll say. Anthony Adverbs. It's swell.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Don't tell me you finished Anthony Adverbs at your age.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, I couldn't read it all the way through.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Why not?

[Fred Allen]

Well, I belong to the Book of the Month club. If I don't finish a book in 30 days, I have to start on the next one.

[Bedlam News Editor]

I see. I'll have to look into that. Anthony Adverbs.

[Fred Allen]

Yes. You can get it at the library, but you'll have to make two trips.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Ah. Say, does the family like the Bedlam News?

[Fred Allen]

Yes. Mama's been taking your beauty advice.

[Bedlam News Editor]

That's great. The Senate always uses my wort remover. Whenever they have occasions to remove a word, they always write to me.

[Fred Allen]

Well, Mama rubbed some of your wrinkles, Anisha. On her face.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Did she get results?

[Fred Allen]

Oh, yes. Her wrinkles went away. Her mouth almost closed up.

[Bedlam News Editor]

That must have been a help if your mother's mouth got smaller.

[Fred Allen]

Mama thought it was a great improvement.

[Bedlam News Editor]

I can imagine that.

[Fred Allen]

Mama was boiling. Her mouth finally got so small she had to talk through a straw. Fancy Wayfarer's Labor Day clearance is here right now. Score up to 70% off everything home plus fast shipping on everything right to your door Shop now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Bedlam News. Yes, the pet and animal editor speaking. Have you a pet? No, no, no. Not do you? Have you? Oh, your canary disappeared three days ago and your cat is molting. Hey. Well, that's the answer. Tell your cat he's no gentleman. Maybe he'll give you the bird. Okay.

[Fred Allen]

Well, I guess I'll throw all along.

[Bedlam News Editor]

If there's anything we can do for you in the paper, let me know.

[Fred Allen]

You could give Papa some publicity with his invention.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Watch his latest.

[Fred Allen]

Papa's working on a cellophane top for bridge tables.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Why should anyone want to see through the top of a bridge table.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, it's important. As soon as the bridge game starts, you can look down and see who's kicking who.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, goodbye, Bordeland.

[Fred Allen]

Am I leaving? You are, or else I get it. Well, you. Peekaboo.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Now we're getting someplace.

[Fred Allen]

Don't forget, your radio column isn't written.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, yes, Turn on my radio. I'll pan the first program you get. Hello, Bedlam News. Yes. Yes, this is the sporting editor. Golf rules. You're at the 15th hole and it's getting dark. What should you do? Just put a tail light on your caddy and play the other three holes. Okay.

[Fred Allen]

Well, Mr. Allen, you'd better go out and get your inquiring reporter column. What's the question?

[Bedlam News Editor]

I'll just pop out and ask a few people what they think of the new tax rates proposed by Congress. I'll be back in just a minute.

[Fred Allen]

Yes?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, mister. Pardon me, mister. Are you interested in the new income tax schedule? No, no, thanks. I got trouble enough with the old one. Just a moment, sir. I'm the inquiring reporter. Yes, yes, what is it? What do you think of the proposed income tax bill? Why can outrage. Why, just imagine. If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I tell you, I won't stand for it. Thank you. And what is your occupation? Who, me? Why, I haven't had a job in five years. I'm a preferred bum. Ladies. Archie Adams, madam. I'm from Bedlam News. What do you think of the new income tax? Holy shirt. Pardon me, sir. I'm a reporter. What's eating you, you heel. Just a. Just a moment of your time, my good man. What do you think of the proposed tax on coconut oil? Say, if people wants to oil their coconuts, it's okay with me.

[Fred Allen]

Budd, listen, we never been properly in the Jew.

[Bedlam News Editor]

I just want to ask you.

[Fred Allen]

Well, the answer is no.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Well, you don't seem to understand. I only want to ask you about the income tax.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, yeah. I'm wise to your kind. Last night, a guy wanted to get my views on a Chinese situation. The next thing I know, I'm stuck with a three dollar check and a top suing joint.

[Bedlam News Editor]

You have my temperature. But really, miss, this is no flirtation. My weakness is stamp collection.

[Fred Allen]

Always no. I suppose I ain't good enough for you, huh? Sour grapes, that's what it is. I got a good mind to slap your face.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, here we go. Mister. Mister. Just a second. Stop. Yes, sir. Were you addressing me? Would I have a word with you? I. Certainly, sir. I'm in no hurry. I just want to ask you. I hope you'll tell me the truth. Don't. Go right ahead, sir. We have a chabous income tax. Oh, good. Never. I knew it. I shouldn't have done. What are you talking. Please don't. I know. I should have paid more. It was my wife's fault. Please, I'm not interested.

[Fred Allen]

Please.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Have mercy, sir. You got a kind face.

[Fred Allen]

Here.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Here's $200 for yourself. I don't watch. Now put it away. Somebody's gonna be despiser. Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate. Hey, what is it, officer? Well, I got the good time impersonating a federal officer. Hey, I've been watching you. Now see here, Bobby, I heard you. Shake that SAP down for some door. Come on. Here comes the wagon. We're taking it around here. Here, find another place to grab me. Officer, you're no osteopath, you know. I can explain this. Explain it to the judge, eh? Well, come on now. We'll give you a chance. Get in the way now. Here, let me out. I demand an open patrol. In this weather? I demand my. Despite all threats and warnings, I will play the leading role myself. I am also available for smokers, stags, private parties and box lunch picnics for eights. Call the Bedlam News. I thank you. Over. School's going in, Mr. Allen. Candy, chocolate, chewing guns, small cigarettes, souvenir programs for 10 nights in a brick Club program.

[Fred Allen]

Father. Hey, wake up. Wake up, Father. Hey, Pop.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, it's you, Junior. Your ma home yet?

[Fred Allen]

No, the old lady ain't here yet.

[Bedlam News Editor]

How many times have I told you not to say ain't?

[Fred Allen]

Well, I can't say she is when she ain't, can I?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Too much for me. I can't handle you, Junior. Gosh, we passed curfew time. She's still down there at Mrs. Slade's Bridge Club, eh?

[Fred Allen]

She better go down and fetch her paw. She'll lose her shirt.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Lose her shirt? She's already lost two of my shirts. Blames it on the laundry. Well, get your tana shander on, son. I'll tuck up my overalls to look like niggers we'll get.

[Fred Allen]

Okay, Pop, let's go.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Wow, what a night. Oh, the old home ain't been since your mom got culberts unconscious. She's at the gallon bridge club every night. A playing or a kibitzon.

[Fred Allen]

Yeah, Pa, I heard her bid the grand Slam in her sleep last night.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yep, and she's always a doubling the blankets too.

[Fred Allen]

This is the dive, ain't it, Pop?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yep. You better get in first, Junior. She won't come out for me. Here, I'll open the door for you.

[Fred Allen]

Who's face?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Three clubs.

[Fred Allen]

Three. No truck.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Double.

[Fred Allen]

Mother. Mother. Is my mother in there?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Get away from them. Not pickled onions. Hey, Mrs. Mogan. Hank is your breath.

[Fred Allen]

You mustn't say Hank. Oh, Junior. My baby. Why did you come here, my darling? Oh, mother, dear mother, come home with me. Now the clock in the steeple strikes two. Oh, Junior. Here, Junior, don't range such a rouse. I'll wipe up the flower with you. Hey, hey. Say, Mrs. Morgan. Say, Mrs. Morgan, why don't you and your brat go home? This ain't no place for a child. Supposing someone wants to call a spade a spade. Oh, now that you've won my last dime, Mrs. Simon Slades, you ain't got any more use for me tonight. Ah, shut your trap. You had a free lunch, didn't you?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Come on, come on. Whose fit is it?

[Fred Allen]

Hey, Ma, look what I got.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Get away from them. Not pickled onions, I told you. Come in.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, Awkward. Joe. What are you a doin here?

[Bedlam News Editor]

I've come for you, Jenny. That clock in the steeple slow. You should have been home an hour ago.

[Fred Allen]

Well, twas like this, Joe. We was a playing contract. I was Noah. Mrs. Witchell was Sal.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Stop. Stop it. You're a fibon to me, Jenny. Ever since the Civil War, there ain't no north and South.

[Fred Allen]

Say, I'm a trying to run a bridge club here.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yes, Mrs. Slade. And it's a ruining my happy home. Jenny here used to be a homebody. Oh, woe is me. I wish I were personally dead.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, don't say that, Joe.

[Bedlam News Editor]

You're setting Junior a horrible example. Jenny.

[Fred Allen]

Forgive me, Joe. Forgive me. I fear our boy's got his mother's gambling blood in his vein.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, better he were dead than to spend the first of his life of being a force.

[Fred Allen]

No, no, it's my fault. I'll never finesse in Mrs. Slade's again, Joe. Never. Good riddance. And how about the 50 cents you still owe me?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Curse you for a scheming hussy. Mrs. Slade. Here's your 50 cents. But money getting this way won't do you no good. Joe.

[Fred Allen]

Where'd you get all that money?

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, I won it shooting crape down at the undertaker's.

[Fred Allen]

Ma f. Junior. What's the matter, darling? What's it hurting you? My tummy, my tummy.

[Bedlam News Editor]

It's them thar pickled onions.

[Fred Allen]

Eat the whole bowl of em. Oh, don't go away, Mother. Stay near me. You too far. Why, Joe, look how pale he is.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Oh, promise him you won't go back to the bridge table, Jenny.

[Fred Allen]

I'll try, Joe, I'll try. But it's been over a half hour now since I played a ham. And see how I'm a trembling. I see cars. Spade no trump. Grand slam. Double. Are you vulnerable, Ma? Oh, please. Get well, Junior. And I promise I'll never play bridge again. Not even auction.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Auctions speak louder than words, Jenny.

[Fred Allen]

Pappy, I think I'm a going out from spades.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Going out in spades. Yes, Gabriel will trumpet. Junior. Is there anything you want?

[Fred Allen]

Just one thing, Pa. If I die.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Yes, Junior.

[Fred Allen]

Bury me with simple honors.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Question box is open for no business, ladies and gentlemen. And this postcard marked return in five days comes from Mr. Manuel S. Laerfeld at Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mr. Laerfeld says, quote, there comes a time in the life of every man when he has to make a momentous decision. Either he grows old with a scalp that looks like the husk of a honeydew melon, or he buys a toupee. Which do you advise? I am glad that you have brought this question up, Mr. Lehrfeld. Many men ramble through their 50s and 60s trying to get by on one hair. They part it and try wearing it as a pompadour until the hare tires of it all and kisses the scalp a hurried goodbye in self defense. Hundreds of white collar men today owe their white collars to dandruff. I advise a toupee. Always remember, with the toupee it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead. And if perspiration on the forehead is any criterion, the man with the toupee is the hottest man in town. If you are in the market for scalp doily, look well, look well before you make the down payment, because the chances are you look just horrible afterwards. If you distrust my advice about covering your head with one of these wind blown poultices, ask the man who combs one. Think it over, Mr. Laerfeld. And remember that old saying, it's here today and gone tomorrow. Mr. Laerfeld, if you do have a problem curling your brows, ladies and gentlemen, why not send it to me on a postcard and I shall be happy to remove the weight from under your hat, even as I have placed a weight on Mr. Lehrfeld's scalp tonight. This is Fred Allen saying good spelled hypana Night spelled sal hepatica. And don't forget, next Wednesday night, the hour of Smiles brings you comedy drama.

[Fred Allen]

Take back your ring, Lord Nasaltone. I'm only a chambermaid.

[Bedlam News Editor]

Love conquers occupations. Me pretty little bedet. Weather reports Thursday hot Friday cold Saturday, stock market reports. Don't miss American cuspidor and music.