Episode Overview

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) "To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee"
Aired: August 31, 2025

This episode brings listeners an authentic slice of 1930s radio humor and variety, starring Fred Allen and his ensemble. The format blends fast-moving sketch comedy, topical gags, musical interludes, and satirical “news” as it lampoons current events, newspaper culture, domestic foibles, and the eternal struggle over hair loss (and toupees). The episode is framed around a fictitious newspaper office, “Bedlam News,” providing a chaotic springboard for absurdity, banter, and a winking question-and-answer segment about toupees.

Key Discussion Points & Sketches

1. Satirical Newsreel Parodies ([00:16]–[04:00])

• “Bedlam News” kicks off with a spoof of newsreel broadcasts:
  • Baseball season in New York, featuring a woman buying tickets just to stalk her runaway husband, now rumored to play for the Giants.
    • Quote:
      • Bedlam News Editor: "Are you a regular baseball fan?"
      • Fred Allen (as Mrs. Snug): "Fan nothing. I don't even care about the game. My husband ran away two years ago, and I hear he's playing second base for the Giants." ([00:52])
  • Farcical foreign news: Mussolini taxes bachelors, single men bemoan their finances, and babies train for a parade in Atlantic City.
  • Dillinger robs a police station, highlighting the rapid-fire punchlines and mock interviews with “local” characters.

2. Inside the “Bedlam News” Office ([04:00]–[13:38])

• Newspaper Chaos:
  • Fred Allen (the editor) and his staff handle wild callers, typographical mishaps, and cranky contributors.
  • Quotes & Notable Moments:
    • “Well, if the Bedlam News is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them.” — Bedlam News Editor, joking about tying meat to their papers ([04:32])
    • Society column scandal: a typo leads to a risqué misprint.
      • “We only said she has the biggest parties in the 400.” ([04:52])
      • Fred Allen: “I know, but there was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?” ([04:56])
    • Satirical office gags: cartoonists unable to find the right “pow,” moronic visitors, and flustered sports editors.
    • Running gags about classifieds, such as a want ad trading penguins for a hot water bottle ([10:22]).
  • Portland Hoffa Visit:
    • Running jokes about her father misunderstanding punctuation and the family applying the “newspaper’s” dubious beauty tips.
    • Fred Allen: “Her wrinkles went away. Her mouth almost closed up.” ([12:14])

3. “Inquiring Reporter” Street Sketch ([14:10]–[16:36])

• Mock Vox Populi Segment:
  • The "reporter" asks passersby their thoughts on new income tax laws and other government proposals.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • "If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I won’t stand for it! … Who, me? Why, I haven’t had a job in five years. I’m a preferred bum.” — An everyman respondent ([14:40])
    • The segment descends into increasingly absurd interactions, culminating in mistaken identity as a federal agent and slapstick with a police officer.

4. Domestic Comedy: The Bridge Club Family ([17:59]–[22:37])

• Family Melodrama:
  • Junior and his father set out to retrieve their mother from a late-night bridge game.
  • Skewers family life and suburban bridge obsessions; heavy with broad, sentimental but comic dialogue.
  • Memorable Moments:
    • “I heard her bid the grand Slam in her sleep last night.” — Junior ([18:53])
    • “Lose her shirt? She's already lost two of my shirts. Blames it on the laundry.” — Bedlam News Editor ([18:26])
    • Climax involves Junior’s melodramatic illness, resolved with over-the-top family pledges to abandon bridge.

5. Question Box: “To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee” ([22:37]–[24:30])

• Listener Query:
  • Query from “Mr. Manuel S. Laerfeld” about whether to face baldness or buy a toupee.
• Fred Allen’s Monologue:
  • Wry philosophical answer crammed with puns and mock advice.
    • Notable Quotes:
      • "Many men ramble through their 50s and 60s trying to get by on one hair… until the hare tires of it all and kisses the scalp a hurried goodbye in self-defense." ([23:10])
      • "With the toupee it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead.” ([23:40])
      • “Ask the man who combs one.” ([24:04])
  • Classic Fred Allen sign-off and a teaser for the next week’s “comedy drama.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

(Speaker attribution and timestamps included)

• On the tribulations of journalism:
  • "Well, if the Bedlam News is going to the dogs, we’ve got to cater to them." — Bedlam News Editor ([04:32])
• Society column typo:
  • “I know, but there was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?” — Fred Allen ([04:56])
• On tax woes:
  • "If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I won’t stand for it!" — Interviewee ([14:40])
• Toupee advice:
  • "With the toupee it isn’t the upkeep, it’s the overhead." — Fred Allen ([23:40])
  • "If perspiration on the forehead is any criterion, the man with the toupee is the hottest man in town." — Fred Allen ([23:45])
  • "If you distrust my advice ... ask the man who combs one." — Fred Allen ([24:04])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Satirical Newsreel Parody: [00:16]–[04:00]
• Bedlam News Office/Staff Gags: [04:00]–[13:38]
• Portland Hoffa Segment: [10:40]–[13:38]
• “Inquiring Reporter” Segment: [14:10]–[16:36]
• Bridge Club/Domestic Comedy: [17:59]–[22:37]
• Question Box (Toupee Advice): [22:37]–[24:30]

Episode Tone & Style

The episode captures the breakneck, joke-a-minute pace of Golden Age radio, heavily laden with puns, topical satire, and affectionate mockery of both popular culture and everyday struggles. Fred Allen’s dry, quick wit and the chemistry among his cast create a tapestry of playful irreverence and comic cynicism. His closing “question box” monologue is especially notable for its blend of wordplay and faux wisdom.

In Summary

To listeners new or old, this Fred Allen “Hour of Smiles” episode offers a zany, rapid-fire tour through 1930s humor: from hapless journalists and outrageous social scenes to classic one-liners about hair loss and questionable newspaper beauty tips. Its format, gags, and pacing remain a vibrant reminder of why families, pre-television, would gather to laugh with the radio.