Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee

Summary

Podcast Summary: Fred Allen - Hour of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Description: Radio shows from the Golden Age of Radio. The time before television and the family all sat around the radio and listened to the shows of the time like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and many more.
• Episode: Fred Allen - Hour Of Smiles 34-04-18 (05) To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee
• Release Date: July 14, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of "Fred Allen's Hour of Smiles," listeners are treated to a blend of humor, satire, and light-hearted commentary characteristic of Fred Allen's legendary style. The episode titled "To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee" delves into everyday dilemmas, societal observations, and the quirky dynamics of a small-town newspaper office. The following summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, notable quotes, and the lively interactions between characters.

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Opening Segment: Bedlam News Update

The show opens with a parody of a typical news broadcast from "Bedlam News." Fred Allen introduces various humorous news snippets that set a comedic tone for the episode.

• Baseball Season Kickoff:

  • Timestamp [00:00-01:02]
  • Mrs. Oswald Snug buys her first ticket for the Giants' opening game, enduring long lines humorously.
  • Quote: "You have to wait in line very long to buy the first ticket, Mrs. Snug."

• Rome, Italy Tax News:

  • Timestamp [01:16-02:25]
  • Premier Mussolini introduces a 50% tax on bachelors, leading to exaggerated reactions from characters.
  • Quote: "There's no place like a room."

• Atlantic City Baby Parade:

  • Timestamp [02:25-03:01]
  • The segment humorously discusses a baby parade where confidence and past winners add to the fun atmosphere.
  • Quote: "Jimmy Buster won in 1933. In a dry year this year, he's back on the bottle."

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Plot Development: Bedlam News Office Antics

The narrative shifts to the bustling office of Bedlam News, where Fred Allen plays the role of the newspaper editor interacting with Portland Hoffa, the reporter.

• Editing Challenges:

  • Timestamp [04:16-05:22]
  • Fred navigates through typographical errors, society columns, and quirky editorial decisions.
  • Quote: "If the Bedlam noose is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them."

• Cartoonist Confrontation:

  • Timestamp [05:41-07:04]
  • A humorous exchange with a new cartoonist who struggles with ending a cartoon, leading to playful banter.
  • Quote: "What is the word I need? Zick."

• Fight for Publication:

  • Timestamp [07:11-09:56]
  • Fred deals with a welterweight champ demanding coverage of his fight, showcasing Fred's witty retorts.
  • Quote: "I'll go quiet. I'll hurry up then and beat it. No hard feelings, Buddy Song."

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Comedic Interlude: Sponsored Segments

Throughout the episode, there are satirical advertisements interspersed within the narrative, mocking contemporary sponsorships.

• Chumba Casino Ads:

  • Timestamp [00:00-00:52] and [25:05-26:00]
  • These segments parody modern-day online casino ads with humorous takes on waiting for coffee and celebrating wins.
  • Quote: "No apps, no fuss, just fun social casino games to pass the time."

• Ryan Seacrest Parody:

  • Timestamp [12:48-13:42]
  • A spoof on popular radio hosts promoting casino games, blending seamlessly with the show's comedic elements.

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Climactic Scene: The Toupee Dilemma

The heart of the episode revolves around a postcard sent to Bedlam News questioning whether to buy a toupee or not, leading Fred to offer humorous advice.

• Postcard Reading and Response:

  • Timestamp [23:07-25:00]
  • Fred addresses listeners with witty remarks on hair loss and the supposed benefits of toupees, blending humor with exaggerated advice.
  • Quote: "With the toupee, it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead."

• Audience Interaction:

  • Timestamp [23:07-25:00]
  • Fred engages with the audience's concerns through the postcard, offering satirical solutions and humorous observations.
  • Quote: "Think it over, Mr. Laerfeld. And remember that old saying, it's here today and gone tomorrow."

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Family Dynamics and Personal Humor

The episode delves into Fred's interactions with his family, adding layers of personal humor and situational comedy.

• Confrontation with Junior:

  • Timestamp [18:29-19:45]
  • Fred interacts with his son, Junior, discussing curfew and family matters with a blend of frustration and wit.
  • Quote: "I can't handle you, Junior."

• Maternal Antics:

  • Timestamp [19:32-22:57]
  • A humorous portrayal of Fred's wife, Mrs. Morgan, at the bridge club, highlighting her gambling habits and their impact on the family.
  • Quote: "Nicknamed her mouth almost closed up."

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Closing Segments: Final Jokes and Farewell

As the episode wraps up, Fred ties back to the main theme while delivering final jokes and interactions.

• Final Bets and Lessons:

  • Timestamp [22:57-23:07]
  • Fred concludes the family subplot with a humorous exit dialogue.
  • Quote: "Going out in spades. Yes, Gabriel will trumpet."

• Farewell and Teasers:

  • Timestamp [25:00-26:00]
  • The episode closes with final humorous remarks and teasers for upcoming shows, maintaining the light-hearted tone.
  • Quote: "Don't forget next Wednesday night, the hour of Smiles brings you comedy drama."

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Notable Quotes:

1. Mrs. Oswald Snug: "You have to wait in line very long to buy the first ticket." [00:00]
2. Fred Allen: "If the Bedlam noose is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them." [04:46]
3. Welterweight Champ: "I'll lick them both the same night." [08:30]
4. Mr. Manuel S. Laerfeld: "Which do you advise?" [23:07]
5. Fred Allen: "With the toupee, it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead." [23:16]

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Conclusion

Fred Allen's "Hour of Smiles" masterfully blends satire, family dynamics, and everyday humor to engage listeners. Through the antics in the Bedlam News office, humorous advertisements, and personal family interactions, the episode "To Buy or Not Buy a Toupee" delivers a rich and entertaining narrative. Notable for its witty dialogue and relatable themes, this episode stands as a quintessential example of the Golden Age of Radio's enduring charm.

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Additional Notes:

• Character Dynamics: The interplay between Fred Allen and Portland Hoffa adds depth to the comedic elements, showcasing sharp repartee and situational humor.

• Satirical Elements: The episode effectively parodies modern advertisements and societal norms, maintaining relevance while preserving the classic radio show's essence.

• Audience Engagement: Through the postcard segment, the show directly engages with the audience's hypothetical concerns, fostering a sense of interaction and relatability.

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This detailed summary encapsulates the multifaceted humor and engaging storytelling of Fred Allen's "Hour of Smiles." Whether you're a longtime fan or a newcomer, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into the timeless appeal of old-time radio comedy.

Transcript

[Fred Allen]

Riley herbst from 2311 racing here. And you know what grinds my gears? Waiting for coffee. But instead of counting frappes and lattes, I fire up Chumba Casino. No apps, no fuss, just fun social casino games to pass the time. By the time my coffee's ready, I've already taken a few victory laps. Next time you're stuck waiting, make it entertaining. Play for [e-mail]. let's Chumba. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group Void where prohibited by Law21+, terms and conditions apply. The curtain is lowered, the studio darkened. The camera starts, and we bring you the latest news of the week. Bedlam news sees nothing. Shows all. Baseball season opens and crowds throng parks to greet their favorites. New York City. Mrs. Oswald Snug buys first ticket for the Giants opening game. You have to wait in line very long to buy the first ticket, Mrs. Snug.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, I stood my ground for two days and two nights, but it's worth it.

[Fred Allen]

Are you a regular baseball fan?

[Portland Hoffa]

Fan nothing. I don't even care about the game. My husband ran away two years ago, and I hear he's playing second base for the Giants. If he is.

[Fred Allen]

If he is, you'll see he gets home all right.

[Portland Hoffa]

You said it, busybody.

[Fred Allen]

Mr. Adam Hartburn buys the first frankfurter. Yeah, get him Red Hot. Get him while they're hot. Here. Hey, let me have one of them forks. Zeppelin, son. Mustard and chili. Yeah, Give me the works. Pardon me. Will you pose for a picture, Mr. Hotburn? Oh, you bet. Catch me taking the first bite. Okay. Man bites dog. This is news. Rome, Italy. Premier Mussolini levies 50% tax on all bachelors. Single man venture opinions behind closed doors. Mr. Garibaldi. Monty. I got a new job. I got a new wife. I got a Nazi. But I gotta pay 50%. There's no place like a room. Sylvester Gallopi, man about what's left of town. Shoo. 50% of tax. Married man got a better half. Single man, he's not got an A quarter. I'm lucky. I got a black shirt. I got an Odora sent to the laundry. Atlantic City, New Jersey. Contestants in approaching baby parade train for prizes. Babies and mothers appear confident. Mrs. Lung, mother of last year's winner, predicts victory.

[Portland Hoffa]

Jimmy buster won in 1933. In a dry year this year, he's back on the bottle.

[Fred Allen]

You think Buster'll win again?

[Portland Hoffa]

It's a cinch. My husband is one of the judges.

[Fred Allen]

Buster Lung speaks for himself.

[Portland Hoffa]

I'm a hunter to one shot, folks. Last year I came through with one tooth, but I've been using. I panna. And this year I'm going in with three teeth and my gums in great condition.

[Fred Allen]

Warsaw, Indiana. Dillinger holds up local police station and escapes with bulletproof vests and ammunition. Stop it.

[Portland Hoffa]

There he goes.

[Fred Allen]

Shoot him in the pants he's got on a bulletproof bat. Shops are clean. Getaway. Local officer tells what happened. Well, folks, he just busted in, made himself to hum. Didn't have much to say, but what he did say was potent. Are you sure it was Dillinger, officer? Yes, sir, I'm positive. When he took his gun out to my back, I was full of splinters. That's still in. This Bedlam News service will be brought to you each week if you've ever seen an army and Navy game. Ladies and gentlemen, I know that you have heard the songs in this next medley. They are the Marine Song, when the Caissons Go Rolling along and Anchors Away. Three rousing numbers, you have to admit they'll be sung by Ted Webb, our singing cruise troubadour. Thank you. Lenny Hayton and his I pana Troubadours have just played a medley of tunes from the Ziegfeld Follies of 1934, featured by Lenny's own performance at the piano. And now for my little show tonight, we take you to the office of the Bedlam News. I am the editor. And judging from the wrinkles in my suit here, it's about time I went.

[Portland Hoffa]

Hello, Bedlam News? The editor. Yes, Mr. Allen's here.

[Fred Allen]

Hello. Yes. Yes, the Bedlam News is on the street morning, noon and night. You can pick it up any place. Yes, I know you can. We've had two nasty letters from the street cleaning department. No, the racetrack editor isn't here. Well, he picked two horses yesterday. They didn't come in. Yes, he's getting even. He didn't come in today. Okay.

[Portland Hoffa]

He has a lot of nerves.

[Fred Allen]

Well, everything's wrong. I think I'll tie a piece of meat to every paper we print.

[Portland Hoffa]

Meat for what?

[Fred Allen]

Well, if the Bedlam noose is going to the dogs, we've got to cater to them.

[Portland Hoffa]

Are your assignments ready?

[Fred Allen]

Yes. Tell the society editor there's a dance at the nudist camp tonight. I want him to cover it.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes, sir. Mrs. Hi Hatt complained about the society column this morning.

[Fred Allen]

Was her butler listed among the guests again?

[Portland Hoffa]

No, it was a typographical error.

[Fred Allen]

Well, we only said she has the biggest parties in the 400.

[Portland Hoffa]

I know, but There was an N in parties instead of an R. Another bloomer, eh?

[Fred Allen]

She'll sue us for plenty.

[Portland Hoffa]

She'll have to get in line.

[Fred Allen]

Bedlam News, the Associated Press. The headline for the next edition. All right, what is it? The city economy bill has passed. Yes. Mounted policemen will ride three on a horse. Huh? That's bad luck, isn't it? Okay, take that. Ms. Brant.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes, sir.

[Fred Allen]

Excuse me, Mr. Allen. Well, have I had the ill luck to meet you socially? No, I'm the new cartoonist. Oh, yes. Well, if you want to draw, I haven't a cent. No, no, it isn't that. You see, I can't think of a word to end up this cartoon with. Now let me see. Oh, it's the ratzenjamins kids, eh? Yes. You see, in the last picture, the kids hit the captain over the head with a cane and he says pow. No, Pow is for pie in the face. What about Zoom or Zowie? No, zoom is when they hit the captain with a baseball bat. And Zowie's for a kick in the pants. I see. Well, I have my cane here. We might try it. Oh yeah, hit me over the head. Let's see how it sounds. Fine. Take off your hat. Okay, I'm ready. There you are. What is the word I need? Zick. Thanks. Anyone waiting? Ms.

[Portland Hoffa]

Prince, there's a little boy and the moron.

[Fred Allen]

Send them in. I'll feel at home with either one of them.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes, sir.

[Fred Allen]

Well, this must be him here.

[Portland Hoffa]

Are we speaking to the editor?

[Fred Allen]

Yes. Aren't you flattered meeting the brains of this paper, my little man?

[Portland Hoffa]

Flattered? I've seen better sheets than this and I can set hope.

[Fred Allen]

That was funny. All right, who invited you to crawl into the conversation? Well, I'm with Happy. Oh, you are? Say, what would you charge to act as a strolling nightmare for a man who walks in his sleep?

[Portland Hoffa]

Now wait a minute, Greeley. Lay off my friend.

[Fred Allen]

If I had the mind of a six year old boy, I'd tell you both a thing or two.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, we can't hang around here till you grow up mentally.

[Fred Allen]

Well, that goofy. Good work, Happy. Now wait a minute. This is a newspaper office.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yeah. You buy bright things of children, don't you?

[Fred Allen]

Yes. Which one of you is the child?

[Portland Hoffa]

I am. I say the bright things.

[Fred Allen]

And who is this gentleman who reeks so strongly of paragor?

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, he's my ghost writer.

[Fred Allen]

Yep. Just mention any subject and we'll make up a bright saying that'll slay you. Something about school.

[Portland Hoffa]

Something snappy about School. Cool. But I'm on.

[Fred Allen]

Yeah. Come here, Min.

[Portland Hoffa]

That's great. I'm ready. So what the teacher said, what caused Adam and Eve to leave the Garden of Eden? And I said, oh, it must have been something they ate.

[Fred Allen]

I just got it myself. That's fine, boys. I'm a little cramped for time here. I'll laugh in shorthand.

[Portland Hoffa]

What do you generally give for stuff like this?

[Fred Allen]

I generally give people five minutes to get out of my office. That's two and a half minutes a piece for you.

[Portland Hoffa]

Give me a snappy comeback, Pa. Well, well.

[Fred Allen]

Let's heat it up. Think of something while we're running. Yes, and good riddance.

[Portland Hoffa]

There's a man outside biting his nails.

[Fred Allen]

See if he wants some mayonnaise.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes, sir.

[Fred Allen]

Are you the sport and editor? Yes and no. I'm Wildcats Rockmoor in the common. Welterweight champ. Oh, yes. I saw your bout last night. Yeah, what's the idea? Brighten up the fight in the obituary column. I saw someone climb into the ring when you went down for the 10th time. And naturally I thought it was the Undertaker. No cracks, Bum. Why? I was using strategy. I had my opponent on the ropes. I know he kept looking for you every time you fell out of the ring. What do you mean? I was faking him into position. Position for what? Hide and go seek? Never mind that. I want you to print my story. I'm challenging any part of Carnera. And you can throw in Maxie Bear too. I'll lick them both the same night. You better fight them in Greenland. The nights are six months long up there. Why, you punk. For two pins, 60% of the gate and a split and a picture. Right? That punch you in the nose. Go on, get out of here before I harvest that cauliflower on your ear. Now wait a minute. Don't be hasty. No rough stuff. I'll go quiet. I'll hurry up then and beat it. No hard feelings, Buddy Song.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, I didn't know you were so brave.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, I knew he wouldn't start anything.

[Portland Hoffa]

Why not?

[Fred Allen]

Don't be silly. Prize fighters won't fight for nothing these days.

[Portland Hoffa]

Sadlam News.

[Fred Allen]

No, no, the exchange editor isn't in just now. He's down at the pawn shop exchanging his watch for $2. Yes, the financial editor is with him. He's waiting to borrow the $2. Okay.

[Portland Hoffa]

The typesetter foam for the want ad column.

[Fred Allen]

There's only one ad. Here, take it, will you? We'll exchange two used penguins and one compass for Electric pad and raccoon Coke. Right. Admiral Byrd. Box one. Little America.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes, sir. There's a little girl outside. She's sitting on pins and needles.

[Fred Allen]

Dress her wounds and send her in.

[Portland Hoffa]

Hello.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, hello, Portland. I'm glad to see you carrying a copy of the Bedlam News.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes. Papa wants you to change it for a clean one.

[Fred Allen]

How did you happen to get a dirty copy?

[Portland Hoffa]

It isn't really soiled. Papa says the whole paper's full of ink spots in between the words.

[Fred Allen]

Let me see it. I don't see any spots.

[Portland Hoffa]

See, there's one after that word. However.

[Fred Allen]

However, comma, Listen, tell your father these ink spots are punctuation marks.

[Portland Hoffa]

You'll never know what those are.

[Fred Allen]

Hasn't he ever heard of punctuation?

[Portland Hoffa]

I'll intimate that he thinks it's something that happens to a tire.

[Fred Allen]

Punctuate your tire. I guess. I guess he thinks an adverb is one of those sayings like all is not gold in your bridge work.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, I'm not that dumb. I've read the book, the Book of Adverbs. I'll say. Anthony Adverbs. It's.

[Fred Allen]

Well, don't tell me you finished Anthony Adverbs at your age.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, I couldn't read it all the way through.

[Fred Allen]

Why not?

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, I belong to the Book of the Month club. If I don't finish a book in 30 days, I have to start on the next one.

[Fred Allen]

I see. I'll have to look into that. Anthony Adverbs.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes. You can get it at the library, but you'll have to make two trips.

[Fred Allen]

Fine. Say, does the family like the Bedlam News?

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes. Mama's been taking your beauty advice.

[Fred Allen]

That's great. The Senate always uses my wort remover. Whenever they have occasions to remove a word, they always write to me.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, Mama rubbed some of your wrinkles, Anisha on her face.

[Fred Allen]

Did she get results?

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, yes. Her wrinkles went away. Her mouth almost closed up.

[Fred Allen]

That must have been a help if your mother's mouth got smaller.

[Portland Hoffa]

Mama thought it was a great improvement. I can imagine that Mama was boiling. Her mouth finally got so small she had to talk through a straw.

[Fred Allen]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest. Life comes at you fast. Which is why it's important to find some time to relax a little you time. Enter Chumba Casino. With no download required, you can jump on anytime, anywhere for the chance to redeem some serious prizes. So treat yourself with Chumba Casino and play over 100 online casino style games, all for free. Go to Chumbacasino.com to collect your free welcome bonus sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law, 21/ terms and conditions apply. Bedlam News. Yes, the Pet and Animal editor speaking. Have you a pet? No, no, no. Not do you. Have you? Oh, your canary disappeared three days ago and your cat is molting. Hey. Well, that's the answer. Tell your cat he's no gentleman. Maybe he'll give you the bird. Okay.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, I guess I'll stroll along.

[Fred Allen]

If there's anything we can do for you in the paper, let me know.

[Portland Hoffa]

You could give Papa some publicity with his invention.

[Fred Allen]

Watch his latest.

[Portland Hoffa]

Papa's working on a cellophane top for bridge tables.

[Fred Allen]

Why should anyone want to see through the top of a bridge table?

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, it's important. As soon as the bridge game starts, you can look down and see who's kicking who.

[Fred Allen]

Well, goodbye, Bordlin.

[Portland Hoffa]

Am I leaving? You are, or else I get it. Well, peekaboo.

[Fred Allen]

Now we're getting someplace.

[Portland Hoffa]

Don't forget, your radio column isn't written.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, yes. Turn on my radio. I'll pan the first program you get. Hello, Bedlam News. Yes. Yes, this is the sporting editor. Golf rules. You're at the 15th hole and it's getting dark. What should you do? Just put a tail light on your caddy and play the other three holes. Okay.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, Mr. Allen, you'd better go out and get your Inquiring Reporter column. What's the question?

[Fred Allen]

I'll just pop out and ask a few people what they think of the new tax rates proposed by Congress. I'll be back in just minutes.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yes.

[Fred Allen]

Sir. Pardon me, mister. Are you interested in the new income tax schedule? No. No, thanks. I got trouble enough with the old one. Just a moment, sir. I'm the inquiring reporter. Yes, what is it? What do you think of the proposed income tax bill? It's an outrage. Well, just imagine. If I make a million dollars, the government takes away 63% of it. I tell you, I won't stand for it. Thank you. And what is your occupation? Who, me? Why, I haven't had a job in five years. I'm a preferred bum. Pardon me. Adam. Adam, I'm from Bedlam News. What do you think of the new income guy? Pardon me, sir. I'm a reporter. What's eating you, you heel. Just a. Just a moment of your time, my good man. What do you think of the proposed tax on coconut oil? Say, if people wants to oil their coconuts, it's okay with me, buddy.

[Portland Hoffa]

Now, listen, we never been properly introduced.

[Fred Allen]

I just want to Ask you?

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, the answer is no.

[Fred Allen]

Well, you don't seem to understand. I only want to ask you about the income tax.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, yeah, I'm wise to your kind. Last night a guy wanted to get my views on the Chinese situation. The next thing I know I'm stuck with a three dollar check at a top chewing joint.

[Fred Allen]

You have my sympathy. But really, miss, this is no flirtation. My weakness is stamp collection.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, is that so? I suppose I ain't good enough for you, huh? Sour grapes, that's what it is. I got a good mind to slap your face.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, here, just a second. Stop. Yes, sir? Were you addressing me? Would I have a word with you? Why, certainly, sir. I'm in no hurry. I just want to ask you. I hope you'll tell me the truth. Oh, go right ahead, sir. Well, it's about the income death. Oh, good heavens. I knew it. I. I shouldn't have done it. What are you talking about, sir? I know I should have paid more. It was my wife's fault. Please, this up. I'm not inter. Please have mercy, sir. You got a kind face. Here, excuse. $200 for yourself. I don't watch. Now put it away. Someone please come. Five, sir. Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate. Hey, what is it, officer? Well, I got the good on you. This. I'm impersonating a federal officer. Hey, I've been watching you. Now see here, Bobby, I heard you. Shake that SAP down for some door. Come on. Here comes the wagon. We're taking it around here. Here, find another place to grab me. Officer, you're no osteopath, you know. I can explain this. Explain it to the judge, eh? Well, come on now, we'll give you a chance. Get in the way. Now. Here, let me out. I demand an open patrol. In this weather? I demand my rights. Despite all threats and warnings, I will play the leading role myself. I am also available for smokers, stags, private parties and box lunch picnics for eights. Call the Bedlam News. Aye, thank you. Overtures going in, Mr. Allen. Candy, chocolate, chewing gum, cigarettes, souvenir programs for 10 nights in a bridge club. Programs? Souvenir programs.

[Portland Hoffa]

Father. Hey, wake up. Wake up, Father. Hey, Pop.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, it's you, Junior. Your ma home yet?

[Portland Hoffa]

No, the old lady ain't here yet.

[Fred Allen]

How many times have I told you not to say ain't?

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, I can't say she is when she ain't, can I?

[Fred Allen]

Well, too much for me. I can't handle you, Junior. Gosh, we passed curfew. Time. She's still down there at Mrs. Slade's Bridge Club, eh?

[Portland Hoffa]

She better go down and fetch her paw. She'll lose her shirt.

[Fred Allen]

Lose her shirt? She's already lost two of my shirts. Blames it on the laundry. Well, get your tana shander on, son. I'll tuck up my overalls to look like niggers we get.

[Portland Hoffa]

Okay Pop, let's go.

[Fred Allen]

Wow, what a night. Oh, the old home ain't been the same since your mom got culberts unconscious. She's at the Gall down bridge club every night. A playing or a kibbutzing.

[Portland Hoffa]

Yeah, Paul, I heard her bid a grand slam in her sleep last night.

[Fred Allen]

Yep, and she's always a doubling the blankets too.

[Portland Hoffa]

This is the dive, ain't it Pop?

[Fred Allen]

Yep. You better get in first, Junior. She won't come out for me. Here, I'll open the door for you too. Three clubs. Double.

[Portland Hoffa]

Mother. Mother. Is my mother in there?

[Fred Allen]

Get away from them pickled onions. Hey, Mrs. Morgan, take this. Your.

[Portland Hoffa]

You mustn't say. Hank. Oh, Junior, my baby. Why did you come here, my darling? Oh, mother dear mother. Come along with me. Now the clock in the steeple strikes two. Oh, Junior. Here Junior, don't raise such a row. I'll wipe up the flower with you. Hey, hey, hey, Mrs. Morgan. Hey, Mrs. Morgan, why don't you and your brat go home? This ain't no place for a child. Supposing someone wants to call a spade a spade. Oh, now that you've won my last dime, Mrs. Simon Slades, you ain't got any more use for me tonight. Ah, shut your trap. You had a free lunch, didn't you?

[Fred Allen]

Come on. Come on who spit it. Hey, more.

[Portland Hoffa]

Look what I got.

[Fred Allen]

Get away from them. Not pickled onions, I told you. Come in.

[Portland Hoffa]

Come on. Upwards. Joe. What are you a doin here?

[Fred Allen]

I've come for you, Jenny. That clock in the steeple's slow. You should have been home an hour ago.

[Portland Hoffa]

Well, twas like this, Joe. We was a playin contract. I was Noah, Mrs. Witchell was Sal.

[Fred Allen]

Stop. Stop it. You're a fibbin to me, Jenny. Ever since the Civil War there ain't no north and south.

[Portland Hoffa]

Say, I'm trying to run a bridge club here.

[Fred Allen]

Yes, Mrs. Slade, and it's a ruining my happy home. Jenny here used to be a homebody. Oh, woe is me. I wish I were personally dead.

[Portland Hoffa]

Oh, don't say that, Joe.

[Fred Allen]

You're setting Junior a horrible example. Jenny.

[Portland Hoffa]

Forgive me, Joe. Forgive me. I fear our boy's got his Mother's gambling blood in his van.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, better he were dead than to spend a third of his life being a four.

[Portland Hoffa]

No, no, it's my fault. I'll never finesse in Mrs. Slade's again, Joe. Never. Good riddance. And how about the 50 cents you still owe me?

[Fred Allen]

Curse you for a scheming hussy. Mrs. Slade. Here's your 50 cents. But money getting this way won't do you no good. Joe.

[Portland Hoffa]

Where'd you get all that money?

[Fred Allen]

Oh, I won it shooting crape down at the undertaker's.

[Portland Hoffa]

Junior. What's the matter? Don't are hurting you? Oh, my tummy. My tummy.

[Fred Allen]

It's them, our pickled onions.

[Portland Hoffa]

He ate the whole bowl of them. Oh, don't go away, Mother. Stay near me. You too far. Why, Joe, look how tame he is.

[Fred Allen]

Oh, promise him you won't go back to the bridge table, Jenny.

[Portland Hoffa]

I'll try, Joe. I'll try. But it's been over a half hour now since I played a hand. And see how I'm a trembling. I see car. Spade. No trump. Grand slam. Double. Are you vulnerable, Ma? Oh, please get well, Junior. And I promise I'll never play bridge again. Not even auction.

[Fred Allen]

Auctions speak louder than words, Jenny.

[Portland Hoffa]

Pappy, I think I'm a going out in spades.

[Fred Allen]

Going out in spades. Yes, Gabriel will trumpet. Junior. Is there anything you want?

[Portland Hoffa]

Just one thing, Pa. If I die. Yes, Junior, Bury me with simple honors.

[Fred Allen]

Question box is open for no business, ladies and gentlemen. And this postcard marked return in five days comes from Mr. Manuel S. Laerfeld of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mr. Laerfeld says, quote, there comes a time in the life of every man when he has to make a momentous decision. Either he grows old with a scalp that looks like the husk of a honeydew melon, or he buys a toupee. Which do you advise? Unquote. I am glad that you have brought this question up, Mr. Larfeld. Many men ramble through their 50s and 60s trying to get by on one hare. They part it and try wearing it as a pompadour until the hare tires of it all and kisses the scalp a hurried goodbye in self defense. Hundreds of white collar men today owe their white collars to dandruff. I advise a toupee. Always remember, with the toupee, it isn't the upkeep, it's the overhead. And if perspiration on the forehead is any criterion, the man with the toupee is the hottest man in town. If you are in the market for scalp doily. Look well. Look well before you make the down payment. Because the chances are you look just horrible afterwards. If you distrust my advice about covering your head with one of these windblown poultices, Ask the man who combs one. Think it over, Mr. Laerfeld. And remember that old saying, it's here today and gone tomorrow. Mr. Lairfeld. If you do have a problem pearling your brows, ladies and gentlemen, why not send it to me on a postcard and I shall be happy to remove the weight from under your hat even as I have placed the weight on Mr. Larfeld's scalp tonight. This is Fred Allen saying good spelled hypana night spelled Sal Hepatica. And don't forget next Wednesday night, the hour of Smiles brings you comedy drama.

[Portland Hoffa]

Take back your ring, Lord Nasaltone. I'm only a chambermaid.

[Fred Allen]

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