Glamour Manor 46-01-04 Tyler's Crackerjack Romance with Lorraine

Summary

Podcast Summary: Glamour Manor 46-01-04 Tyler's Crackerjack Romance with Lorraine

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Glamour Manor 46-01-04 Tyler's Crackerjack Romance with Lorraine
• Release Date: March 7, 2025
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Features nostalgic radio shows from the Golden Age of Radio, capturing the charm and storytelling of classic programs like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, and Dragnet.

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Overview

"Glamour Manor 46-01-04 Tyler's Crackerjack Romance with Lorraine" is a classic radio drama that weaves a tale of love, misunderstandings, and comedic interactions set in the grand lobby of Glamour Manor. The story centers around Tyler McVeigh, his childhood sweetheart Lorraine Budge, and the complications arising from Lorraine's return as a burgeoning movie star. Supporting characters, including Gloria Kenyon, Captain Billy, and the ever-charming Cliff Arquette, add depth and humor to the unfolding drama.

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Opening Scene: Love Rekindled

The episode opens with Tyler McVeigh and Mr. Arquette examining a letter from Tyler's childhood sweetheart, Lorraine. Tyler reminisces about their past love and the challenges they faced due to strict supervision.

• Tyler McVeigh [01:16]: "Lorraine was so beautiful. We were so much in love, you know, we planned to run away and be married, but neither of us could get our freedom."

This nostalgic reflection sets the stage for Lorraine's impending arrival, stirring old emotions and unresolved feelings.

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Conflict Introduced: Gloria's Concerns

Gloria Kenyon, Tyler's current romantic interest, confronts Tyler about his lingering feelings for Lorraine. She fears that Lorraine's return might jeopardize their relationship.

• Gloria Kenyon [03:03]: "Tyler, take my advice. If anyone ever offers you a penny for your thoughts, grab it."

Gloria's determination to preserve her relationship with Tyler introduces tension, highlighting the central conflict of the episode.

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Advice and Comic Relief: Captain Billy's Wisdom

Seeking guidance, Tyler consults Captain Billy, who offers dubious advice on handling romantic entanglements, injecting humor into the narrative.

• Captain Billy [05:08]: "You gotta watch Em and Tyler. The promises they make you."

Despite Captain Billy's flawed insights, his character provides a lighthearted break from the romantic turmoil.

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Lorraine's Arrival: Rekindled Sparks

Lorraine Budge makes her entrance, reigniting the past romance and complicating the current relationships within Glamour Manor. Tyler attempts to navigate his feelings while balancing his commitment to Gloria.

• Tyler McVeigh [09:06]: "Lorraine Budge, of course."

Lorraine's presence serves as a catalyst for the ensuing drama, bringing unresolved emotions to the forefront.

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Gloria vs. Lorraine: The Battle of Wits

Gloria takes proactive steps to assert her stake in Tyler's life, leading to a humorous yet tense confrontation with Lorraine. Their interactions are marked by witty exchanges and subtle power plays.

• Gloria Kenyon [12:06]: "All your dates in Hollywood are booked up by me."

Gloria's assertiveness challenges Lorraine's glamorous persona, setting up a rivalry that drives much of the episode's tension.

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Cliff Arquette's Schemes: Introducing Maloney

Cliff Arquette introduces Mr. Maloney, his new manager and Lorraine's potential suitor, further complicating the romantic dynamics. Cliff's manipulative tactics add depth to the plot, as he attempts to secure his position in the unfolding drama.

• Cliff Arquette [16:11]: "I'll be sashaying over to Mr. Maloney's now."

Cliff's maneuvers underscore the lengths characters will go to achieve their desires, adding layers to the storyline.

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Resolution: Love Triumphant

Through a series of comedic misunderstandings and heartfelt conversations, the characters reach a resolution. Tyler reaffirms his commitment to Gloria, and Lorraine finds a place within the community, accepting the complexities of love and friendship.

• Gloria Kenyon [17:18]: "Not only that, but if I don't do right by her, old man will come out here looking for me with his shotgun blazing."

The episode concludes on a harmonious note, emphasizing the enduring nature of true love and the importance of communication.

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Notable Quotes

• Tyler McVeigh [02:04]: "Listen, Mr. Arquette, there's an obesity proverb that says it takes a country boy to know the best tomato in the garden."

• Gloria Kenyon [03:24]: "I'm not gonna stand by and watch her wreck your romance with Gloria."

• Captain Billy [05:08]: "What chance has a man got for a happy marriage with a woman who turns him down? Tell me that."

• Cliff Arquette [15:07]: "That's better. You know, Clifford, this reminds me of down home."

• Gloria Kenyon [12:06]: "All your dates in Hollywood are booked up by me."

• Cliff Arquette [16:22]: "You know, Lorraine, I like you. You make sense."

These quotes capture the essence of each character and highlight key moments that drive the story forward.

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Conclusion

"Glamour Manor 46-01-04 Tyler's Crackerjack Romance with Lorraine" masterfully blends romance, comedy, and interpersonal drama, staying true to the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio. The episode showcases timeless themes of love, loyalty, and the humorous complexities of human relationships, making it a delightful listen for both nostalgic audiences and new listeners alike.

Transcript

[Cliff Arquette]

With the American Express Gold Card, I can earn four times membership rewards points at US Supermarkets. So with all these groceries, I'm also getting points. Learn [e-mail] US Explore Gold Terms and points cap apply.

[Ernie Newton]

From Hollywood, Crisco and Ivory Snow. Bring you Glamour Manor every day at this time, Monday through Friday. Procter and Gamble, makers of wonderful Ivory Snow for speedier dishwashing for Snow White.

[Harry Lubin]

Hand and Crisco, the Pure all vegetable.

[Ernie Newton]

Shortening, bring you Glamour Manor with the songs of Ernie Newton and the music of Harry Lubin and his orchestra and starring Cliff Barquette. As we look in on the lobby of Glamour manor and find Mr. After our kept, the owner, manager and his assistant, Tyler McVeigh poring over a letter from Tyler's childhood sweetheart. The time honored adage, an old flame never dies comes to mind. And we ask ourselves, why not?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Lorraine was so beautiful. We were so much in love, you know, we planned to run away and be married, but neither of us could get our freedom.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Couldn't get your freedom?

[Tyler McVeigh]

No. Our kindergarten teacher watched us like a hawk.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Oh, Tyler, why didn't you tell me? You were just kids. I thought it was something serious.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Serious to me. Gosh, I'll never forget the trouble I took to find a ring for her. I'd open a box, look at the ring and say no. And then I'd open another one. You know, Mr. Arquette, before I found just the right ring for Lorraine, I must have gone through at least 50 boxes of cracker Jacks.

[Gloria Kenyon]

What were you looking for? The Hope Diamond. Look, Tyler, when you were a kid back in Bay City, Michigan, what did you know about women? You were just a little country boy.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Listen, Mr. Arquette, there's an obesity proverb that says it takes a country boy to know the best tomato in the garden. Believe me, Lorraine Budge is some tomato. I can hardly wait till she gets out here.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Hey, her letter says she's got a movie contract. Guess she must be beautiful, huh? Well, I suppose you'll take up with her from where you left off. Tyler, what are you staring out into space like that for?

[Tyler McVeigh]

I'm trying to remember where we left off. Gosh, just think of me going around with a movie star. She'll probably take me to all the expensive night spots.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Yeah, but, Tyler, what about Gloria? What did she think of you going out with another girl?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, gosh, that's right. Oh, I know. We'll just take her along.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Oh, Tyler, don't you know that three's a crowd?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Gee, I never thought of that. Oh, I'll tell you what. I don't care anything about nightclubs. I'll stay home.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Tyler, take my advice. If anyone ever offers you a penny for your thoughts, grab it. Now, look, Tyler, I'm sure Lorraine Budge is very beautiful and glamorous. And I'm sure she'll take you to the expensive restaurants and nightclubs. But no matter what sacrifices I have to make, I'm not gonna stand by and watch her wreck your romance with Gloria.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, what are you gonna do?

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well, I'll just have to let Lorraine take me to the nightclub.

[Tyler McVeigh]

When they say man's best friend is his mother. Now, look, mother. Not even Mr. Arnecana.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Not another word. Now, Tyler, please. I'm not gonna let you blake Gloria's heart.

[Tyler McVeigh]

What?

[Gloria Kenyon]

I'm not gonna let you do it. I'm not gonna let you break her heart. You hear me? I'm so mad, I don't know what's saying. And if you value your job, you'll do as I say.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, but what can I do? She's.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well, now, look, all you have to do is tell her one little white lie. Say you're married to Gloria. Then, of course, you might tell her what a great guy I am.

[Tyler McVeigh]

One little white lie and one big black lie.

[Gloria Kenyon]

That's enough, Todd. I'm going up to my room and get dressed. And when Lorraine gets here, you call.

[Captain Billy]

Me on the house phone.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, okay, I will. Gosh, I kind of had my heart set on seeing those fancy nightclubs. I guess Mr. Arquette's right. Gloria's really the only girl for me.

[Cliff Arquette]

Yeah.

[Captain Billy]

Hello, Tyler. Boy, Say, you're looking kind of sad this morning. Anything wrong?

[Tyler McVeigh]

No, not exactly, Captain. Yeah, I was just thinking about girls and how they complicate a fellow's life.

[Captain Billy]

You know, Tottie, the trouble with you is you take women too seriously. You ought to be like me. I just love them and leave them.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, I know, Cap. You love them, you propose to them. When they turn you down, you leave them.

[Captain Billy]

Yeah, why shouldn't I? What chance has a man got for a happy marriage with a woman who turns him down? Tell me that. Don't stand there.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, you're right, Cap.

[Captain Billy]

Sure. You gotta watch Em and Tyler. The promises they make you. There was one girl I knew promised that if we got married, she'd cook five times better than any other woman. That I'd be five times as rich as I was before and that she'd make me five times as happy.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Gee, that sounds almost perfect. Whatever happened to her, I Don't know.

[Captain Billy]

Last time I heard of her, she'd gone off to Canada and married some fella named Dione.

[Cliff Arquette]

Oh.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, well, what do you care? Those promises of hers were probably just a lot of talk anyway.

[Captain Billy]

Oh, yeah? Then there was another girl, Tyler. Oh, she was a humdinger and so sweet to me. You know, she promised me that if I could have every Friday night out with the boy.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, that was nice of her.

[Captain Billy]

Yeah. I kind of hated to leave her waiting at the church.

[Tyler McVeigh]

You mean that? You mean you didn't show up for the wedding?

[Captain Billy]

Of course I didn't, Ty. It was Friday night. That's your joke, Tyler.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, Cap, I should have known better than to expect any sensible advice about women from you.

[Captain Billy]

Well, I've done the best I could. Hey, here comes Terry. Why don't you tell him your troubles? I gotta be running along.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, okay. Oh, hey, Terry, come here, will you? I want to talk to you.

[Ernie Newton]

What's the matter? You look upset.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, tell me, Terry, don't you ever have trouble with your girlfriends?

[Ernie Newton]

Trouble? Tyler, of course not. I'm always saving my girlfriends from trouble. Take Doris. I went over to see her yesterday, and a good thing I arrived When I did too, Big Ben was all wound up.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Big Ben? The clock?

[Ernie Newton]

No, Big Ben the clock. He's Doris married brother. I got there just in time, Tyler. He was using a bar on him.

[Tyler McVeigh]

The girls?

[Ernie Newton]

No, the dishes. Imagine a mile bar soap for dishes. I told him it was safe enough for hands, but so doggone slow his wife gave me her hand.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Did you take it?

[Ernie Newton]

Yeah, right on the chin. She was so upset. Thought I was suggesting strong granulated soap for dishes. She knew it was speedy, but it might make her hands all red and rough.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Gosh, that's awful. But she shouldn't have gone and hit you.

[Ernie Newton]

Oh, don't worry. I let her have it.

[Tyler McVeigh]

You mean a haymaker?

[Ernie Newton]

No, a box of Ivory Snow. One soap that's both safe for hands in the dish pan and fast. I explained to her that Ivory Snow is the only soap both ivory mild and granulated for speedy sudsing. There's no other soap like it. Gee, she was mad.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Mad?

[Ernie Newton]

Yeah, mad for Ivory Snow. I told her for dishwashing, it's safe as the mildest bar soap, yet far faster and fast as the strongest granulated soap yet far safer. And then I saw stars.

[Tyler McVeigh]

You mean she hit you again?

[Ernie Newton]

No, Tyler. I saw stars in her eyes. Because now she knew her troubles were over. For speedy or dishwashing for snow White hands. It's Wonderful Ivory snow. S N o W. You see, Tyler, you gotta be kind and helpful to women. Oh, hello, Gloria.

[Lorraine Budge]

Good morning, Terry.

[Cliff Arquette]

Hi, Tyler.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Morning, Gloria.

[Ernie Newton]

Well, Tyler, if you need any more advice about women, you know where to find me.

[Tyler McVeigh]

So long. Yeah, so long, Terry.

[Lorraine Budge]

Say, Tyler, why are you asking for advice about women?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, you see, I. As well, I am.

[Lorraine Budge]

Yeah.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Do you think you could act like a devoted wife to me?

[Cliff Arquette]

Why, Tyler.

[Lorraine Budge]

Well, gosh, what brought this on, mister?

[Tyler McVeigh]

I can't. He says. We gotta be married, he says.

[Lorraine Budge]

Well, I'd like to know what business it is of his.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, now, don't get excited, Gloria. It'll only be for a few days.

[Lorraine Budge]

Why, the monster. Well, what does he think I am, Tyler? A female Tommy Manville. Now, look, when I get married, it's not gonna be for just a few days. I want a home and children.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, we can have children any number and any age you want.

[Lorraine Budge]

Poor Tyler McVeigh, you fiend.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, but, Gloria, I'm not asking this for myself. The only reason we have to be married and have children for a few days is for Lorraine's benefit.

[Lorraine Budge]

Lorraine? Lorraine who?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Lorraine Budge, of course.

[Lorraine Budge]

Oh, why, of course. Naturally. What other Lorraine would we get married and have children for?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Hey, Gloria, look. Coming into the lobby. It's her. It's she. Who? Lorraine Budge, of course. Oh, wait till you see her up close, Gloria. She used to be the most beautiful child in Bay City.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, if it ain't old Tyler. How de do, Tyler.

[Tyler McVeigh]

My gosh, Lorraine, how you've changed.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, Ty, you've changed a lot yourself.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, you've certainly changed.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, I guess we've both changed.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, I guess we have.

[Cliff Arquette]

Yep, guess so.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, people certainly do change, don't they?

[Cliff Arquette]

Yep, they do. They change all right.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, they sure do.

[Lorraine Budge]

Pardon me for interrupting, but may I venture an opinion?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, sure, Gloria. Go ahead.

[Lorraine Budge]

It just occurred to me that people certainly do change.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, by the way, Lorraine, I'd like you to meet Gloria, my wife.

[Cliff Arquette]

Your wife? You married Ty? My, that's news to me.

[Lorraine Budge]

It's news to me too.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, well, if that don't beat all. Got yourself any young un?

[Lorraine Budge]

Oh, yes. Eight or ten.

[Cliff Arquette]

Gosh almighty, what happened? Did you lose count?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, you see, she hasn't been home for a few days.

[Cliff Arquette]

Where to?

[Ernie Newton]

Goodness.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, Typh, I know your kids. They must be an ambitious lot.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, yes, indeed. Just the other day, my little son, what's his name, told me he wanted to be a doctor.

[Cliff Arquette]

A doc, eh? Now, ain't that fine?

[Lorraine Budge]

Yes, isn't it? And one of the other boys, little whatchamacallit, wants to be a fireman. But I keep telling him he should grow up to be a lawyer so he could sue his father for non support.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Say, dear, don't you think you ought to be running along home to see that the kiddies take their naps?

[Lorraine Budge]

Oh, yes, dear. And that reminds me, I must stop at the drugstore and pick up a fresh bottle of chloroform.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, goodbye, Lorraine. Goodbye, Gloria. Well, Ty, that's a mighty pretty gal you got there. But she looks kind of puny.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, Gloria's quite a delicate girl.

[Cliff Arquette]

Yep. Don't look like she'd be much good hitched to a plow. Well, Ty, I must say that finding you married has kind of put a crimp in my plan. Kind of figured on you and me teaming up together now that I'm a movie actress.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, now, don't you worry, Lorraine. I got a boyfriend all lined up for you.

[Cliff Arquette]

A boyfriend? Now that's right, neighbor. Love you, Ty.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, he said he was crazy to meet you until you walked in just now. I didn't realize how crazy he is. Hey, wait, I'll get him on the telephone.

[Captain Billy]

Hello, Tyler.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Let me talk to her.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, okay. Here, Lorraine, he wants to talk to you.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, now, ain't that sweet. Hello there.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Ah, Lorraine. How's the most beautiful girl in Bay City, Michigan?

[Cliff Arquette]

Oh, now, Miss Dark Cat?

[Gloria Kenyon]

Just call me Clifford. Now, Lorraine, let's get one thing straight. All your dates in Hollywood are booked up by me.

[Cliff Arquette]

Why you sweet thing. I'll tear up my date book.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Lorraine, from now on it's you and me. And I'm gonna rush right downstairs for my first look at that beautiful face that matches that sweet voice.

[Cliff Arquette]

I'll be a waiting for you. Well, Ty's on his way down. He wants to meet me face to face.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Uh huh. I'm afraid he's gonna want to meet me foot to back.

[Cliff Arquette]

Say, Ty, look, that man rushing down the stairs. Is that Clifford?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, that's Mr. Ar.

[Captain Billy]

Hey, Tyler, where's Lorraine?

[Gloria Kenyon]

Tyler, not.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yes, Mr. Arquette, this is Lorraine.

[Cliff Arquette]

Hello, Clifford. Well, I tore up my date book just like you told me.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Hello, Tyler. I thought you said. I thought Lorraine was a movie star.

[Cliff Arquette]

And so I am, Clairford. And you know what?

[Gloria Kenyon]

What?

[Cliff Arquette]

All I hope is that my leading man, Mr. Boris Karloff, likes me as much as you.

[Ernie Newton]

Time now for a musical intermission as Ernie Newton sings Zing Went the Strings of My Heart with Harry Lubin and his orchestra.

[Chef Quigley]

Here when you smile at me. I heard a melody. It haunted me from the start. Something inside of me started a symphony with the strings of my heart. Twas like a breath of spring. I heard a robin sing about a nest and a farm. All nature seemed to be in perfect harmony. Zing with the strings of my heart. Your eyes made sky seem blue again. What else could I do again but keep repeating through again. I love you, love you. I still recall the thrill. I guess I always will. High hopes we'll never depart. Cheer with your lips to mine. A rhapsody divine. Sing with the strings of my heart. Dear, when you smile at me. I heard a melody, it haunted me from the far. Something inside of me started a symphony. Sing with the strings of my heart. On the strings, the strings of my heart.

[Cliff Arquette]

My grannies. Ain't it pretty out here in the garden? Don't set so far away, Clifford. Move in close.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Oh, all right.

[Cliff Arquette]

That's better. You know, Clifford, this reminds me of down home. Every evening I'd go out and sit with Homer in the hog pen.

[Gloria Kenyon]

You and Homer sat in the hog pen?

[Cliff Arquette]

Course we did. Where else would you sit with a hog? You know, Clifford, there's something about them sad eyes of yours and that turned up nose that reminds me of Homer.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Now wait a minute. How can you sit here and talk to me as if I were a hog?

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, it's easy, Clifford. I just close my eyes and pretend you're a Homer and it's the next best thing I have to having him here in person.

[Gloria Kenyon]

We gotta lose some weight.

[Cliff Arquette]

Clifford, would you do me a little favor?

[Gloria Kenyon]

What?

[Cliff Arquette]

Just while we're sitting here tonight, would you mind wearing this ring in your nose?

[Gloria Kenyon]

Now wait a look here. If you're so crazy about that hog, why don't you bring him to Hollywood with you?

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, after all, I couldn't ask Homer to trade his nice clean style for a room in a hotel like this. But let's talk about us, Clifford.

[Gloria Kenyon]

About us?

[Cliff Arquette]

Yeah. You know, when I left Bay City, my old papa told me that now that I was gonna be in the movies, I ought to get a good honest man to look. And Clifford, I think I've met the man.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well now, as I was saying, you mustn't take those promises I made too seriously.

[Cliff Arquette]

You see, I'll never forget the look that come into Pappy's eye when he said it. He was a setting there a cleaning his shotgun.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Lorraine, you mean if a fellow was to, well, trifle with your affections, that your father would, uh huh.

[Cliff Arquette]

Right between the Eyes.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Tyler. Oh, Tyler. Now quit trying to sneak out of the lobby. Come over here.

[Cliff Arquette]

Oh.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, hello, Mr. Market. Have a bite of cake.

[Gloria Kenyon]

So, you certainly got me in a fine mess with this Lorraine.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Better have some. It's one of those new Crisco cakes. Quick made it.

[Gloria Kenyon]

The most beautiful girl in Bay City. It takes a country boy to pick a tomato.

[Tyler McVeigh]

And they're so much richer.

[Gloria Kenyon]

You know what a lemon that tomato turned out to be.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Come on, try some. Yum yum.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Not only that. What did you say?

[Tyler McVeigh]

I said yum yum.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Not only that, but if I don't do right by her, old man will come out here looking for me with his shotgun blazing.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, all right, Mr. Arquette, but it's your own fault. You said that for Gloria's sake. You wanted to make a sacrifice.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Okay, Tyler, okay. But I didn't mean my life. You got me into this, Tyler. Now you get me out.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, gosh, Mr. Arquette, I don't know what to do. Oh, hey, look, here comes Cap Billy. Maybe he'll have an idea.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Boy, I hope so.

[Captain Billy]

Hi, fellas. Well, what's stewing around here? What's doing what's.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Hey, look, Cap, we need your advice. Lorraine Budge, my childhood sweetheart from Bay City, is stuck on Mr. R. Cap.

[Captain Billy]

Oh, you mean that female with a face that looks like it was put on by a paper hanger with Saint Vitus Dance?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, that's the one. Have you got any ideas about how we can get rid of her?

[Captain Billy]

Well, now, let me think a minute.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Let me think.

[Captain Billy]

Say, how about now? They hang you for that?

[Gloria Kenyon]

Now, quit kidding, Cap. She's got me all upset. I'm as upset as a housewife with a sink full of dirty dishes.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, and no Ivory Snow for speedier dishwashing and snow white hands.

[Captain Billy]

Say, how about getting her interested in somebody else? Maybe Tyler Boy, for instance.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, no. You see, I'm all tied up with Gloria, Cap.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Maybe you have something there. Maybe we could get her interested in another man.

[Captain Billy]

No, Clifford, you quit looking at me that way. Nah, I ain't gonna do it.

[Gloria Kenyon]

But, Cap, you're an old man, and I got my whole life before me.

[Captain Billy]

No, Clifford, it ain't right.

[Gloria Kenyon]

I won't. You will. I won't. You will. I won't. You will.

[Captain Billy]

I won't. You get another sucker to do your dirty work.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well, who? Maloney.

[Captain Billy]

Saved by the bell.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well, well, Maloney, we were just thinking about you. Huh? The lawnmower. You certainly may. And keep it just as long as you like. What are we doing? Well, to tell you the truth, we are fighting over a girl. Yeah, Lorraine Budge, the beautiful new movie star. Like to what? Well, she's pretty exclusive, but I guess I can arrange for you to meet her. Where are you? At your hotel. Well, I'll tell you what, Maloney. You stay right where you are, and I'll bring Lorraine over. What?

[Maloney]

Per Dios sutra bajo redujerun susoras presente su solicitud Oy mismocon del departamento de emplude Oregon. Es gratis vasil. Yay. Servicios de interpretacion dis ponivles Yame al uno ocho. Siete, siete. Tres, cuatro, cinco. Tres, cuatro, ocho, cuatro.

[Gloria Kenyon]

How soon baloney will be over before you can say bars, Karloff.

[Ernie Newton]

It's Harry Lubin and his orchestra now with their special arrangement of the Jerome Kern tune, who vocal is by Ernie Newton.

[Chef Quigley]

Stole my heart away Makes me dream all day Dreams I know can never be true Seems as though I'll ever be blue Means my happiness Would I answer yes. Well, you ought to guess who. No one but you.

[Cliff Arquette]

Say, Tyler. Oh, Ty, help me with these here valises, will ya?

[Tyler McVeigh]

Why, Lorraine, you're all packed up. Where you going?

[Cliff Arquette]

I'm moving over to Mr. Maloney's hotel. You know, he's got a real snazzy joint. Running water in every room.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, yeah, That's a special service he gives during the rainy season. Well, Lorraine, what finally happened between you and Mr. Arquette? He's a swell guy, isn't he?

[Cliff Arquette]

Swell guy? My grandma's mustache. He ain't nothing but a no count tubular.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Hmm. You know, Lorraine, I'd love to hear you say that to his face.

[Cliff Arquette]

It weren't his face I was a thinking of, Ty. Ah, but that Mr. Maloney, Tyler. Now there's a real gentleman. Well, only today I seen him in the dining room of his hotel helping the waitresses with their work.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, really?

[Cliff Arquette]

Yep. He knew they had enough to do carrying the dirty dishes out after the people left. So he went around all the tables and picked up their tips and put them in his pocket.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, that's Maloney, all right. A gentleman from the bottom of his feet to the tips of his waitresses. Say, Lorraine, here comes a fellow you should meet. Chef Quigley.

[Cliff Arquette]

A chef? I thought the chef was a train like the super chef.

[Tyler McVeigh]

No, no, no. Quig is our cook. And a darn good one, too.

[Harry Lubin]

Why, thank you, Tyler. I appreciate that.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, it's nothing really? Oh, by the way, Quig, this is Lorraine Budge.

[Harry Lubin]

Lorraine. Sweet Lorraine. Pleasure, believe me.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, if you ain't a sight for sore eyes.

[Harry Lubin]

Likewise, I'm sure. You're staying while I hope.

[Cliff Arquette]

Shucks, no.

[Harry Lubin]

Well, while you're here, I'd be happy to fix any of your favorite dishes for you.

[Cliff Arquette]

Don't never eat dishes.

[Harry Lubin]

No, no. I mean, don't you have any favorite foods?

[Cliff Arquette]

Flapjacks. Ain't had them in a long time.

[Harry Lubin]

Well, I'll fix that. You know, fried foods are my specialty. Crisp, golden brown fried food.

[Cliff Arquette]

Gee, thinking about flapjacks kind of makes me homesick.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, Lorraine's from my hometown, you know.

[Harry Lubin]

Oh, well, it's good to see she doesn't have the silly ideas you did about fried foods being hard to digest. I tell you, Lorraine, I thought Tyler was hopeless.

[Cliff Arquette]

Folks back in Bay City used to say the same thing.

[Harry Lubin]

Well, he isn't, though. It was just a matter of showing him how digestible fried foods can be. And you know, the way I did it got him to try foods fried, tender and light in Crisco.

[Cliff Arquette]

See that tie, heat up and try anything.

[Harry Lubin]

Lorraine, you don't understand. Foods fried, golden and tender in Crisco not only look digestible, they are so digestible even youngsters can eat them. I'd like to show you.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, you can't. I got my trappings all packed.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Yeah, that's right. She's moving to Maloney's.

[Harry Lubin]

Maloney's? Why, he's Mr. Arquette's bitterest enemy. Will he tell her that doctors everywhere say Crisco fried foods are digestible? What does he know about pure, all vegetable Crisco?

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, he's a mighty fine gentleman.

[Harry Lubin]

Oh, you can't. Why, I was just going to show you that Crisco is a wonderful shortening for frying Lorraine.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Frying Lorraine is already taken care of. Quick. I mean, she's moving.

[Harry Lubin]

Oh, wait till I tell Mr. Arquette.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Hello there, boy. Hello.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Hello, Mrs. Wilson. Well, I guess you don't know who this is, do you?

[Mrs. Wilson]

Why, boy, I don't even know what this is.

[Cliff Arquette]

Now, that's just the kind of a woman I like. She don't pretend to know at all. Howdy, Mrs. Wilson.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Howdy, girl. I'm just guessing, of course.

[Tyler McVeigh]

This is Lorraine Budge, Mrs. Wilson. You know, Lorraine and I were childhood sweethearts.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Oh, now, isn't that nice? My, I'll never forget my childhood sweetheart. He was an army man, a fellow named Grant.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Grant? General Grant?

[Mrs. Wilson]

Yes, that's the one. I don't Know why they made him a general, though he never did get overseas.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, you know how them Yankees stick together.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Oh, the last time I seen him was down in Richmond, Virginia. He was just passing through, though. Heard later he'd moved to New York.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, ain't it too bad you lost track of them?

[Mrs. Wilson]

Oh, I don't mind so much. Only the other day I met a man who seemed to like me very much.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Wow. Gee, that's nice.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Mrs. Wilson said I was very dear to him.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Maybe he'll be your second childhood Sweetheart.

[Cliff Arquette]

You know, Mrs. Wilson, I like you. You make sense. You're the first human being that I've met in Hollywood that talks my language.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Well, dear, I've always said that if you've got to talk, you might as well talk a language.

[Cliff Arquette]

You know, Mrs. Wilson, I've said the same identical thing a hundred times to my pet hog, Homer.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Gee, that's silly, Lorraine. How can you talk with a hog?

[Cliff Arquette]

Easy, Tyler. We use sign language. Homer writes whatever he wants to say in the mud with his nose.

[Tyler McVeigh]

My gosh, that must have been a big job teaching a hog to write.

[Cliff Arquette]

It sure was, Ty. And the job ain't over yet. I still gotta learn how to read.

[Mrs. Wilson]

Well, dear, why don't you take up pig Latin? I'm a great reader myself. Take to it like duck to water. Why, only last week in night school, my teacher paid me a great compliment about my reading.

[Tyler McVeigh]

He did?

[Mrs. Wilson]

Yes, he said to me, Mrs. Wilson, you have a mind like a first grade reader. Well, goodbye, boy. Goodbye, girl. I think.

[Cliff Arquette]

Goodbye, Mrs. Wilson. My goodness, Tyler, there's a woman with good ideas. And they're all fresh too.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Well, they ought to be. They come vacuum packed.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, Ty, I guess I'll be a sashaying over to Mr. Maloney's now.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Oh, now wait a minute, lorraine. Here comes Mr. Arquette. He probably wants to say goodbye to you.

[Captain Billy]

Well, all right.

[Cliff Arquette]

I don't bear him no grudge.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Well, well, Lorraine, you're all packed, I see.

[Cliff Arquette]

Listen, you never mind making any comments about how tight my dress is. But Lorraine, I. Clifford, you ain't no gentleman. But there's one thing I can thank you for and that's introducing me to Mr. Maloney.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Did you see how his face felt when you told him you played the lead in horror pictures?

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, it must have perked up since because he's got the license and the papers all signed. And if you'd acted like a gentleman, it could have been you.

[Gloria Kenyon]

Are you kidding?

[Mrs. Wilson]

I wouldn't be in Maloney's shoes. And be your husband for $500 a week?

[Gloria Kenyon]

I'd rather be struck dumb.

[Cliff Arquette]

Well, Mr. Smarty Pants it might interest you to know that Mr. Maloney ain't gonna be my husband.

[Gloria Kenyon]

What? But I thought.

[Cliff Arquette]

He's gonna be my manager. And he ain't getting $500 a week neither. He's getting a thousand.

[Tyler McVeigh]

Hey, Mr. Arquette. Speak to me. Say something. Good gosh, he's been.

[Ernie Newton]

Be sure and tune in to Glamour Manor Monday at this time when Cliff Arquette will be back with his regular cast. Mrs. Wilson, Captain Billy, Gloria Kenyon, Tyler McVeigh, Ernie Newton, Harry Lubin and his orchestra. Until then, for speedier dishwashing. For snow white hands, it's wonderful ivory snow.

[Harry Lubin]

And for swell tasting foods, it's digestible. It's pure, all vegetable. Crisco.

[Ernie Newton]

Fat is desperately needed. Saving used fat will help prevent soap shortages. Help make hundreds of needed products. Save used fat. This is abc, the American Broadcasting Company.