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Goon Show 56-04-03 610 The Pevensey Bay Disaster
00:29:35
Goon Show 56-04-03 610 The Pevensey Bay Disaster
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Well, that got rid of him. In the meantime, here is thugs. Yes. Thigs. That's a short way of saying the highly esteemed goon show cad how our Gracie has changed. Yes, I tell you, that Isle of Capri is a sinful place. Don't interrupt, Ned. Ned, don't interrupt. Rest your head on this razor blade and listen to the story of the Pevensey Bay disaster. Thank you. Here to open the tale of the great disaster is poet and Khadisian William J. McGonagall. TWAS in the month of December in the year of 1882, the railway lines near Pevensey Bay were buried under the snow. Ooh. All through the night the blizzard fiend did like a lion roar. The snow rose up from inches 3 to inches 3 foot 4 and O that snow. My name is Neddy Seagoon, engine driver extraordinary. On the night of the great English blizzard, I was dragged from a warm seat in Leicester Square and taken before the director of the famed filth Mackinscanson's railway. Neddy. Little, Little Neddy. Sit down. Here, have a chop liver. Cigarette? No, thanks. I always chop my own. Good luck. Listen, Schlepper, listen. The lines between the Hastings and Pevensey Bay station are under 20ft of snow. We want you to drive a snow plough and clear the line before midnight. I'll do it. Good. Schlapper. Here's a kosher Wine gum. Off you go. Thank you and goodbye. My duty was obvious. Free the line at Pevensey Bay before midnight, leaving it clear for the Hastings Flyer to come through. Having given us as the plot, what about the work itself? Having given the listeners the plot, I made my way towards Houston Station. Pardon me. Little low, sweet type man. The stranger had stepped out of a dark overcoat. Another man stood on his shoulder. Have you a match? Only my own private one. Don't look so worried. My friend and I here are Members of Parliament. If you're politicians, why are you begging in the gutter? Liberals, I understand. Can I help? Yes. Are you walking Euston Station way? Yes. Thank you. Little Nurk. Have a gorilla. No, thanks. This street is a non smoker. Neddy, my heavily oiled friend here and I are rather anxious to get to Pevensey Bay Station tonight. You'll never do it. There are no trains. We know. Perhaps a lift on your snowplow? Out of the question. Is against the rules. We have money. Money? Yes. To prove we're not lying, here's a photograph of a shilling. What wealth. Yes, and there are more photographs where that came from. Gad, with that treasure hoard, I could buy another match. No, I will not be tempted. Very well, Moriarty, Plan two. I'll play the violin. Neddy, little Neddy. Have a heart, lad. We must get to Pevensey Bay Station tonight. Pevensey Bay Station tonight. Or we get killed. You see, Daddy, at midnight the Hastings Flyer is coming through. All we want to do is derail it. Blow it up, open the mail van and take the gold bullion inside. Stop. You're breaking my heart. I cannot refuse so simple a request. Be it platform 3 in 10 minutes or platform 10 in 3 minutes. Whichever suits you best. But remember, bring me my photographs of the money. Through the night the blizzard raged. It covered Pevensey Base Station inside the ticket. I was there. The staff were in charge of the situation. Stop that. That's sinful singing. It's not sinful. It's the modern style singing, buddy. I'm not interested in the modern styles, men. I'm more worried. Why? We haven't sold any tickets. I know, I know. I can't understand it. Neither can I. It's the peak of our winter tourist season. Oh, dear. Yes, yes. What's the weather like outside? I can't see for all this snow coming down. Oh, dear. I think we'd better lock up for the night. Henry. Yes, yes, yes. Only an idiot would come out on a night like this. Yes, I know. Oh, hello. Oh, how do you do, sir? Fine, fine, fine. I'm the famous Eccles. It's the famous Eccles, Min. Oh, well, I better be getting along now. Oh, good night. What a nice man to come a visiting on such a night. A lovely man, Henry. Lovely. Yes. Did you see that beautiful brown paper suit he was wearing? I did, Henry, I did. There's a lot of money around these days, you know. Yes, yes, there is. There must be. Well, off you go to bed, Min. Okay. I think I'll keep the ticket office open a little longer just in case there's a sudden rush from the continent. Okay. But you never know. And through the night the snowplow train was racing down the line. A lonely spectator who saw it pass looked up and said hoin. Fine gad wraith on steel juggernaut. It's a wonder man can live at this speed. Can't we go any faster? Faster, you mad fool. We're doing eight miles an hour. Now come on, be a devil. Right. Stoker. Yes? Take another twig out of the safe and hurl it on the furnace. Right. Now what's the steam boiler pressure? 98 degrees. Right. Run my bath. Don't be a fool. This is no time to take a bath. It's getting late. Nonsense. Plenty of time. According to the hairs on my wrist, it's only half past ten. The hairs on your wrist say half past ten. You must be mad. Why? The hairs on my wrists say 11:30. Still time for a bath and Max Gilbert SA. As I sat having my bark in the back of the snowplow, a foul trick was played. Hands up, Neddy. Drop that soap, Moriarty. Tie his hands, then hide them where he can't find them. What a fiendish move. You naughty men. I'll write to the Times about this. Dear Sir, I wish to complain about an outbreak of hand tying on strow pliers while taking hip bath. Give me that letter. You'll not send that. Now then, lad. Dear sir, today I heard the first cuckoo. There. Sign that new swine. Good Moriarty. Post it. That'll put him off the perfume. Yes. I'll just tie his hands again. Good. Now cut the knot off so he can't untie it. Right. Right. Here, Penny, with that scissors. Here, put it in your pocket. Now together. One, two. Don't throw me out. I lay gasping on the railway bank with a knot of my bones in bread pipe Finn's pocket. It looked pretty hopeless for me. I say, I say, have you seen a band go this Way. I'm sorry, I've only just arrived here. I must find them. They might be playing a different tune from me by now. Wait a minute. I know you. Aren't you Neddy Seagoon, the singing dwarf and current number one with the grades? If you put it that way, I am, yes. And you? Aren't you the blackguard embezzler? No. Good. Soak and layabout. Janice Bednock. If you put it that way, I am pleased to meet you. And what are you doing here? I've just been thrown off a train. Any decent driver would have done the same. If my hands weren't tight, I'd strike you down with my mackerel pie and thunderstraw. Your hands are tied. Yes. Oh, but look. Take your hands off my wallet. 3 pound 10. 4 pound. Come back off my wallet. The devil, he's gone. Thank heaven he didn't find my money belt. Take your hands up my money belt. The devil taken all the money I stole from the kiddies bank. But time was wasted. I had to warn the approaching Hastings Flyer of the plot to derail her. So, thinking I stumbled forwards through the blizzard, I made a pair of snowshoes. But the heat of my feet melted them. Suddenly, from a nearby frozen pool I heard. And a good old summer toy. And a good old toy. Summertime. I love swimming. The summertime, I say. You with the concrete and the pants. Don't you feel cold in there? Oh, I got more of a coat on. Listen, I've got to get to Pevensey base station as soon as possible. Oh, you better get there as soon as possible. I'm the famous Echo. I don't wish to know that. Hey, I placed him against the wall. Whose is it? Mine. A present from an admirer. Could you drive me to town on it? Oh, the tricycle isn't mine. The wall was the present. Well, drive me there a matt. Right. Hold on. The sound you are hearing is Neddy and Eccles driving a wall at speed. We thought you ought to know. Meantime, at Pevensey Bay Station. Hello, Pevensey Bay Station here. I'm sorry, he's not in. Mr. Cron, has the snow plow been through yet? No, I've had the door locked all day. Thank yaka makaka. As we're still in time, first I must get these bonds untied. Have you got a knot? Yes, several. Right, quick. Glue it onto my bonds and then untie them. Listeners, as knot gluing and untying has no audible sound, we suggest you make Your own within reason, that is. I knew someone was violent, but now, now my hands were free. Now for action. What is all this about, may I ask? What's that noise? What noise? Yes, it is, it is. It's the snowplow come to clear the line. No, no. The two men of that snowplow are train robbers. What? We must stop them. Don't you worry. Nicky, Nicky. The moment they step through that door, I shall let them have it with this leather blunderbuss. It's them. Come in, nice men. You can swim. You. What are you trying to do to bling bottles? I was walking along collecting numbers like a happy bird train spotter when blun. There was a blinding flash. I reeled backwards, clutching my forehead. I looked down and my knees had gone. Yes, when you little cross eyed hairless, piped clean up, were you followed up the platform by two men? I'm not gonna tell you, shooting at me like that. Come, come now, little two stone Hercules. Tell me, tell me, tell me if you saw two men and you could have this quarter of Dolly Mitchell. Oh, telling mixture think with those types sweets, I could influence certain girls at playtime that Brenda Pugh might be another Rita Hayward. Then you'll tell me? Yes, I saw the two nice mens walking up the line towards the signal box. Yes, we must stop them. Yes, but we'll pause first to hear Ray Ellington. Everybody who? Everybody. I. I want. I want you. I want you to. I want you to be. I want you to be my baby. Will, will you, will you please. Will you please tell. Will you please tell me if you're gonna be my baby? I listen to your daddy and you never will regret it. And if anybody wonders, you can tell them that I said it. The only thing I know is that I never can forget you. I've been longing for you, baby, ever since the day I met you. I got you where I want you and I'm not gonna let you get away from me here. What I tell you I'm the man for you and you better start to pace it. You ever lose my love, you know you never can replace it. I think it's time for you to start to give me some loving carrier, George. For you that's harder than an oven. Time for you and me to do a little turtle dolphin baby, hold me tight, do what I tell you I who doesn't give me everybody knows. Man the lifeboats. Happy them doodly man for you. And you better start to face it if I lose my life. You know you never can Replace it. I think it's time for you to start to giving me some loving cars for you and that's hotter than an oven. Time for you and me to do a little turtle dog and baby hold me tight I. I want. I want you I want you too I want you to be I want you to be my baby I want you to be my baby. That's nice. Thank you, Ray Ellington. I'm sure you mean well. Now we rejoin the great Pevensey Bay disaster inside the signal box west of Pevensey Bay station, which will play a vitally unimportant part in the story. Mate. Oh. Oh. Shub called stone the blind Crowstone. Mate. Oh. Oh, what's that? Mate? Oh, it's the talking telephone. A ringing, mate. There it goes again. Mate. And again. And unless I mistook it's a gonna go again. Mate. Hello. Hello. Pevensey Bay signal box. Here, mate. Listen, mate. Put the signals in danger. Stop the Hastings Flyer. Oh, well, I'll do that. Mate. Mate. Hello? Hello. Hello. Hello. Mate. Hello? Mate. Hello. Hello? Mate. Mate. Hello? All very nicely done. Moriarty. Mate. Now, let's see. There's a bridge to the right. Good. Take these sticks of dynamite, place them in the center of the span. Run the wires back here. And when the Hastings Flyer comes across, we just press the plunger. Who you are? Then the money. The bullion van. Money. The April. Yes, April. In Bunny. We found a Charlie. Hello? Signal box. Hello? Hello? Signal box. He's hung up. We'd better go and cut him down. All right, Eccles. Get your wall started. Okay. What about me, captain? Can't I come in this game? Yes. Only an idiot would leave you behind. Leave him behind. Silence. The famous Eccles. Silence. The famous Eccles blue bottle. Yeah. Take this photograph of a red flag. Go and stand on the bridge near the signal box. And if the Hastings Flyer approaches, stop it at all costs. Oh, good. I will. I will. I will be a hero. My picture will be in the East Finchley Chronic. Boy hero balloon bottles. Save the train from crashing here. That will make that Muriel Bates run after me. But I will play hard again. I'm sorry, Ms. Bates. Shall I tell you that I am a busy boy hero? I have certain matters to attend. Can do you know that I have to be photographed with Sabrina? Yes, that is what I'll say. Yes. Here Thinks that Sabrina's a nice big blue bottle. Stop those thinks Thinx. He's right, though. That's Sabrina. Here's a fine big girl. Come, mammoth. Must hurry. The hairs on My wrist. Say it's quarter the needle, not a loo. Yes, forward to the bree. Oh, you hit me on me head and tied me up, mate. Shut up, mate. Oh, mate. Submitted the hairs on my wrists say it is midnight o' clock and there's no signs of the Hastings Flyer. Steady, frog eater, steady. Obviously the blizzards delay the trail. Well, I'm not going to wait any longer. My nerves are strained to breaking point. There goes one now. I tell you, Gritpipe, I can't stand the strainer. Shut up, will you? Shut up. Open your mouth. Close it. You swine. My teeth. You put a grenade in my mouth. All my choppers have gone. My teeth. Napoleonic swine. Frog eating fiend. Now control yourself. Listen. Great goose hooks. Look, it's a military gentleman walking up the line banging a drum. You English are so musical. Yes, the woods are full of them, you know. Now let's sit quietly and wait for the Hastings fly. Cut my teeth. I must cut my teeth. Captain Cutting. Look at our founding. The bridge. Dynamite. Thank heavens you found it. Thank you, heavens. Good. Now put it somewhere for safety. Yes, I will. Moves Right. Puts dreaded dynamite under siginal box for safety. Does not notice dreaded wires leading to plunger in siginal cabin. Think I'm in for the dreaded dead in this week. All right, men, our two train robbers are up in that signal cabin. Eccles, you go up the line and try to stop the Hastings Flyer. I'll try and put the signals to danger. Okay, blue bottle, you keep me covered with this photograph of a gun. Right, let's go in. Hands up. So, Neddy, you managed to get your hands free? Yes, they never cost me a penny thanks to the national help. Listen. What? Listen. What? It's the Hastings Flyer with all the money on board. Oh, we've been foiled. Yes, I've got to stop it or it'll crash into the snowplow at Pevensey Bay Station. Oh, look, you. You can easily stop it. Just press this little plunger with the wires leading out of the window. Right. Here goes the bridge. Maria. Yes, they were all dead. But who got the money in the bullion van from the Hastings Flyer. That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Seacum and Spike Milligan with the Relative Quartet and Max Gildray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wally Screenslade the program produced by Peter Eaton. It.