Halls Of Ivy 51-11-07 076 Halloween

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Halls Of Ivy: 51-11-07 Halloween"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: October 15, 2025
Episode: Halls Of Ivy – 51-11-07 Halloween

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Episode Overview

This episode transports listeners to Ivy College during the morning after Halloween. Mischief from the night before causes a ripple of confusion, suspicion, and gentle humor among the college’s staff and townsfolk. The main storyline revolves around two pranks: the defacement of the bust of Grandfather Wellman and an anonymous excavation on Faculty Row. Through witty banter and thoughtful conversations, Dr. Hall, his wife Victoria, various members of the board, and two generations of John Smiths unravel the responsible parties and reflect on the value of levity in education and life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Morning After Halloween: An Air of Suspicion and Mirth

[02:14-07:04]

• Victoria Hall returns from shopping, to find her husband, Dr. Hall, musing over another peaceful Halloween.
• Victoria sparks a comedic conversation about Wellman’s grandfather’s bust, questioning its mustache and appearance, which Dr. Hall turns into a riff on barbershop quartets and college memories.
• Memorable quote:
  • Dr. Hall: "Nudity of the chin." (03:44)
  • Mrs. Hall (Victoria): "Did Mr. Wellman's grandfather have a big soup strainer kind of moustache as worn by the tenor in gay 90’s quartets?" (04:39)

2. Discovery of Mischief: The Defaced Bust

[06:40-07:57]

• Victoria reports that the bust of Grandfather Wellman has been struck by a Halloween prank: painted with a blue nose and a handlebar mustache, and the phrase "Prexie loves Wellman" in black paint.
• Dr. Hall’s reactions go from amusement to dread, becoming anxious about Wellman’s potential reaction.

3. Faculty Row Excavation Mystery

[08:21-13:02]

• Mr. Merriweather visits Dr. Hall, bearing news of another Halloween mystery: An unauthorized trench dug right in front of Wellman’s house.

• The workers presented what appeared to be a valid permit, signed by Clarence Wellman, but upon investigation, no such contracting company exists and the Board had never authorized the job.

• The mystery deepens with skepticism about a "John Smith Contracting Company" and playful asides about the name’s ubiquity.

  Mr. Merriweather: “A, there is no such firm in these parts as the J. Smith Contracting Company. B, the board never authorized the work, such improvement having been constantly opposed by Mr. Wellman himself.” (11:19)

4. Interlude: Wellman’s Priorities and Faculty Politics

[15:14-16:56]

• A comedic scene between Mr. Wellman and the Schlitz Beer rep further develops Wellman’s character as the board’s “watchdog” and ties in sponsor humor.

  Mr. Wellman: “As chairman of the board, watchdog of the treasury, always buy quality, no appropriations, unless... well, good heavens, Carpenter, as a businessman…” (16:18)

5. Investigation: Student Suspects and Generational Humor

[17:31-22:19]

• Dr. and Mrs. Hall consider who could be responsible: suspicion falls on student John Smith Jr., who visits and earnestly insists he is not the culprit, using flowery language and Latin aphorisms.

  John Smith Jr.: "It has been well said that an idle tongue is the offspring of an empty mind... and that the prattle of fools is at the sound of an ill tuned cymbal." (19:32)

• Mrs. Hall jokes about his penchant for Latin and seriousness.

6. The Real Culprit: John Smith Sr. Steps Forward

[22:41-26:34]

• John Smith Sr. confides to Dr. Hall and Victoria that he, not his son, committed both pranks.

• He explains:

  • He’s an old friend of Ivy College and the head of the actual John Smith Contracting Company in Philadelphia.
  • Years ago he promised to repair Faculty Row (having damaged his car on it) and took Halloween as a chance to start the work in good humor (and to start a laugh at Wellman’s expense). He’s also responsible for painting the Wellman bust during a Halloween stroll.

• John Sr. laments his son’s lack of humor, hoping Ivy will broaden his outlook:

  John Smith Sr.: "He's got blinkers on. Can’t see right or left. How can you judge if you only see straight ahead? Might as well be a horse." (22:49) Dr. Hall: "A man who cannot smile is not fully educated." (24:00) John Smith Sr.: "Yesterday, seeing he take no action in the matter, I dug a hole outside his door just to give him a laugh. Don’t often get a chance to mix business with pleasure." (26:09)

7. Resolution: Levity and Learning

[26:35-End]

• John Sr. promises to finish the road job properly, offering Ivy College “the finest surface this side of the big city.”

• Dr. Hall and Victoria muse about finding a way to repay John Smith by helping Junior—perhaps by fostering his appreciation for humor.

  Dr. Hall: "If an onion can make one weep, what a fortune awaits the man who can grow a vegetable to make one laugh." (27:15)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Hall (on bust's mustache):
  “Only from the bust of him which stands, if a bust can stand... which sits on the back of its neck, what there is of it.” (03:02)
• Mrs. Hall (on Halloween pranks):
  "Well, what's new on the Halloween front?" (12:29)
• Dr. Hall:
  “A man who cannot smile is not fully educated.” (24:00)
• John Smith Sr.:
  “Don’t often get a chance to mix business with pleasure.” (26:12)
• Dr. Hall:
  “What a fortune awaits the man who can grow a vegetable to make one laugh.” (27:15)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 02:14 – Victoria returns home; Halloween aftermath revealed.
• 06:40 – Discovery of the defaced Wellman bust.
• 08:20 – Merriweather brings news of the mysterious road excavation.
• 13:31 – Telegram surfaces from Wellman, suggesting Board approval for road improvements.
• 19:01 – John Smith Jr. visits Dr. Hall, clears his name.
• 22:41 – John Smith Sr. confesses to both pranks and shares his intentions.
• 26:46 – Dr. Hall and Victoria reflect on lessons of levity.

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Episode Tone & Language

The episode is marked by witty, good-natured banter, gentle social satire, and warm-hearted reflections. The language is clever, laced with puns, wordplay, and affectionate barbs, encapsulating the spirit of community and tradition. The pace is unhurried, inviting listeners into the quirky, collegial world of Ivy.

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Conclusion

The "Halls Of Ivy" Halloween episode weaves humor and mystery into a cozy, intelligent narrative. The pranks serve not only as comic relief but as opportunities for introspection about seriousness, tradition, and the importance of laughter in education. The Smiths’ father-son dynamic, contrasted against the school’s staff, adds depth, while the resolution leaves everyone—listeners included—smiling at the power of good-natured mischief in college life.

Transcript

[Announcer]

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[John Smith Sr.]

Foreign.

[Dr. Hall]

This is Ronald Coman and Vanita Coleman inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitz beer.

[Narrator]

The taste of Schlitz, the taste so many people prefer, has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the usa. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history. And now, the halls of Ivy.

[Mr. Merriweather]

That.

[Dr. Hall]

Surround us here today. And we will not forget all we.

[John Smith Sr.]

Be.

[Narrator]

Welcome again to Ivy Ivy College, that is in the town of Ivy, USA on Halloween. By old tradition, evil spirits are allowed to roam the earth after dark and hold high, revel until the stroke of midnight, when the chimes usher in the Christian festival of All Saints. As in most places, the inhabitants of Ivy are not all saints, nor very evil, but a varying blend of the two. On this fine November morning, there's little evidence around the campus of Halloween jinx, high or low, as Victoria hall returns from her marketing to join her husband, William Todhunter hall, president of Ivy College.

[Dr. Hall]

Here.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Mickey, I'm sorry I'm late, but the shops are crowded and the traffic is dreadful. Are you starved?

[Dr. Hall]

Well, I was. I wouldn't say starved exactly. This sensation I feel in the pit of the stomach I put down to relief at having passed through another Halloween with no bloodshed, no major damage and no morning after repercussions as yet.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, send a message to your tissues. Help is on the way. Lunch in a few minutes. Toddy.

[Dr. Hall]

Yes?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Did you ever know Mr. Wellman's grandfather?

[Dr. Hall]

No, dear. And I didn't know Abraham Lincoln either.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Know what he looked like?

[Dr. Hall]

Only from contemporary portraits. Tall, lean, sorrowful.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

No, I didn't mean Lincoln. I meant Grandfather Wellman.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Do you know what he looked like?

[Dr. Hall]

Only from the bust of him which stands, if a bust can stand, which reposes, which sits on the back of its neck, what there is of it. In the foyer of Clarence Wellman hall is red sandstone, which gives him an appearance of blushing deeply, whether of pride in this College or mortification over Clarence? I have never decided.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Did he have a mustache?

[Dr. Hall]

Let me think. Yes. Yes, I believe three generations of Wellmans have had a labial adornment in Grandfather Wellman's day, when the straight razor made shaving a matter of steel nerves and considerable fortitude. Many a loving wife never had the privilege, or the shock, as the case may have been, of seeing her husband's complete face. Nudity of the chin.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

What I am trying to get at, darling, with almost no success, is this. Now, did he or did he not have a handlebar moustache like you always see in pictures of beauty shop quartets singing Sweet Iodine?

[Dr. Hall]

Not. No, not Sweet iodine, my love. It's Adeline.

[John Smith Sr.]

Oh.

[Dr. Hall]

Although equally poisonous when rendered by the wrong voices. And it's a barber shop quartet, not beauty shop.

[John Smith Sr.]

Oh.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, female singing groups seem to favor the trio over the quartet. Or probably because, being women with an instinct for security, it gives them a 25% smaller risk for discord.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Let's start over.

[Dr. Hall]

Suddenly, what was the question?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Did Mr. Wellman's grandfather have a big soup strainer kind of moustache as worn by the tenor and gay 90s quartets?

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, no, not the tenor, darling. That was the trademark of the baritone. The tenor invariably has his eyes closed, seeking divine help in remembering the lyrics.

[John Smith Sr.]

I think.

[Dr. Hall]

In my young days, I. I was always the bass, of course.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. Hall]

But did make a very good one, too, if I may say so. Or I should say we were quite good. Our rendition of Sweet Adeline, Harvest Moon and Old Heidelberg is remembered to this day. Ah, what memories.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Yes, but did Mr. Wellman's grandfather.

[Dr. Hall]

Yes, indeed. Georgie Barnes Tobacco, the baritone. Superb. Willy Poole, the tenor. Always wanting it a tone lower, of course. Young Bartholomew, carrying the air off key only in moments of exaltation. Ah, what memories.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Old Heidel. Lord, old Heidel.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

It was beautiful. What about Mr. Wellman?

[Dr. Hall]

Avoided him like the plague, darling. Couldn't carry a tune and a hamper. No sex appeal, no quality.

[Mr. Wellman]

Oh.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, I'm sorry, my darling. Yes, yes, Wellman, of course. Now, what were we?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Now, I'll try once more.

[Dr. Hall]

See?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Now, did Mr. Wellman's grandfather have a handlebar mustache?

[Dr. Hall]

No, he did not.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

He has now.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, it's possible, I suppose, but inasmuch as he died years ago and he.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Has a blue nose, what's a nice character touch? I thought, if he's anything like Clarence.

[Dr. Hall]

Vicki, what are you talking about?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

That's what I've been trying to tell You? I was passing by Wellman hall when a crowd of youngsters came boiling out, and I bumped into Eddie Gray. And he told me of the sabotage, the blasphemy, the sacrilege. So I went in, and there it was, Mr. Wellman's grandfather's bust, moustache and all.

[Dr. Hall]

Was it bad?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

It was awful.

[Dr. Hall]

Do you think it will wash off?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, I gave it a little dab with a damp handkerchief, but take a lot of scrubbing. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. On the base of the bastard in black paint.

[John Smith Sr.]

Yes?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

There was written, prexie loves Wellman.

[Dr. Hall]

Vicki, a few minutes ago, my heart was singing and the sun was shining. And now my left ear has cupped itself around to the telephone over there.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Yeah, well, it's all right, darling. Wellman's in Philadelphia visiting his sister.

[John Smith Sr.]

Poor girl.

[Dr. Hall]

Once more my heart is singing and my ear has flopped back.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Not that I'm against the fine arts, of course, but who could have done it to poor old Grandpa Wellman?

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, any one of a few hundred students, I should say. After all, last night was Halloween, and you'll often find.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Darling, Darling, will you answer that? I must go and fix my hair.

[Dr. Hall]

All right, darling. Remarkable woman. Vicki finds out everything. Painting the Wellman bust, eh? Amusing. Prefse loves Wellman. Revolting. Handlebar massage. Old Heidelberg.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Aye.

[John Smith Sr.]

Doctor.

[Dr. Hall]

Ah, Mr. Merriweather. Come in. And how is the more rational element of the board of governors today, in.

[Mr. Merriweather]

The absence of our chairman, Doctor, I'm convalescing and all is quiet. The other knights of the Round Table have doffed their armor and are resting on their swords. So I took my shield and got the helmet out of there.

[Dr. Hall]

To pursue your analogy, Mr. Merriworth, am I to understand you visualize Mr. Wellman as king Arthur?

[Mr. Merriweather]

Heaven forfend, Sir Lancelot. My knowledge of the Arthurian legends is somewhat sketchy, but I'd be inclined to place dear Clarence somewhere between the jealous King Mark and Sir Mordred of melancholy memory.

[Dr. Hall]

It's a good thing you don't have the responsibility of casting Tristan and Isolde for the Wagner festival.

[Mr. Merriweather]

I would be more tempted to see Wellman in the part of the sword Excalibur for the pleasure of seeing him thrown into the lake. Say, not so bad for a boy who got straight D's in medieval history. Where's the Lady Guinevere?

[Dr. Hall]

Up in the north tower, combing her tresses by her casement window, scanning the horizon to see which sail comes from France. Black or white?

[Mr. Merriweather]

White if it's me. Black if It's.

[Narrator]

Well.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Welcome, Mr. Merriweather. What on earth are you two talking about?

[Mr. Merriweather]

About the days of old when nights.

[Dr. Hall]

Were were bold and ships had wooden decks and warriors bold fell down the hole and broke their careful, ma'.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Am.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Sturdy necks.

[Mr. Merriweather]

You know, I was exposed to quite a bit of education in my day, but the only times I ever feel that it took is when I'm over here.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, I'll come over here more often. You can be a visitor. Come loudy.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Thank you. Thank you, Doctor. I am the bearer of glad tidings. Oh, did you know that they are at last improving Faculty row? The street, I mean.

[John Smith Sr.]

Good.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, it's about time. It's bad enough for a college to get into a rut, but for all those ruts to get into a college.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Well, perhaps I should say they started excavating yesterday. Today all is quiet as the grave. In fact, one long grave has been dug. And there she lies.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Good heaven.

[John Smith Sr.]

So.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Oh, no, no, ma', am, not that. I mean, one deep trench was scooped out and then abandoned.

[Dr. Hall]

But why? Today is not a holiday. Did anyone call?

[Mr. Merriweather]

All the necessary departments and authorities have been called, and all profess ignorance of any order for street improvements along Faculty Road. Grogan of our campus police reports that the road gang was equipped with all of the usual paraphernalia, including a truck bearing the sign of John Smith. Contractor. Grogan further reports that the supervising gravedigger, or I should say excavator, submitted a permit which purported to be an authorization from the Ivy Board of Governors.

[Dr. Hall]

Signed by whom?

[Mr. Merriweather]

By none other than our respected chairman, Clarence Wellman.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, then what's wrong? Why don't they get on with the job?

[Mr. Merriweather]

A, there is no such firm in these parts as the J. Smith Contracting Company. B, the board never authorized the work, such improvement having been constantly opposed by Mr. Wellman himself.

[Dr. Hall]

See? But the signature. Was it a forgery? Doesn't Grogan recognize the signature?

[Mr. Merriweather]

Grogan tells me that he writes twice a year to his half sister in North Platte, Nebraska.

[Narrator]

Period.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Thus, he would not know Mr. Wellman's signature if it bit him, which is unlikely. In the leg.

[Dr. Hall]

This is very interesting. An anonymous excavation. Well, if this is another Halloween prank.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, exactly where did all this happen? At which end of Faculty Row did they start digging up? I didn't see it near here.

[Mr. Merriweather]

This, I hate to tell you. Neither end right in the middle.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, no.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Oh, you don't mean. Oh, no.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Yes, ma'.

[Announcer]

Am.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Plum smack dab in front of the house of Wellman.

[John Smith Sr.]

Vicki.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Yeah, Daddy? Well, what's new on the Halloween front?

[Dr. Hall]

All is reasonably quiet. Two red lights are marking the spot where the body should be buried.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Meaning Wellman.

[Dr. Hall]

No, no, darling, no. Let us not daydream so late in the evening.

[John Smith Jr.]

No.

[Dr. Hall]

So that nobody should fall into the hole in the dark. And we've discovered the name of the culprit. The same one seems to have committed both crimes. And in each case, he is, or calls himself, John Smith.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

An obvious pseudo thing. Nom de bust the thousands of John Smiths.

[Dr. Hall]

Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, a young cousin of mine married one as Mr. And Mrs. John Smith. The honeymoon tour through the motels and resorts of the great Northwest was a series of acute embarrassments. What they do, buy a tent after 10 days. They registered everywhere under the name of Finkelhar. But it seems to be right at my elbow for once. Hello? Dr. Hall? Speaking.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Thought this might interest you, doctor.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, yes, Mr. Merriweather.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Got a telegram here from Wellman in Philadelphia. It says, and I quote, have made arrangements through personal connections here for road improvements, Faculty Row. Desperately needed, as I have always claimed. Feels your entire board will approve. Returning tomorrow.

[Narrator]

Well, unquote.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, that explains everything.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Oh, now, Doctor, your college training is sufficiently adequate for you to do your own simple addition. I'm not telling you what 2 and 2 add up to. Pardon me if I appear to end on a preposition on a sour note.

[Dr. Hall]

Goodbye.

[Narrator]

Mmm.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

What'd he say? What did he say? What'd he say?

[Dr. Hall]

He thinks I should be able to add 2 and 2. But in this case. Vicki, it's not that simple. It gets into vulgar fractions.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Oh, darling, if it's anything vulgar, you know you can always tell me.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, it's like this. Clarence Wellman has made arrangements for the repaving of Faculty Row after someone had already begun work on it. Now I must find someone who owns a scalpel and the microscope.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

A scalpel and a microscope?

[Mr. Merriweather]

Yes.

[Dr. Hall]

Someone has been reading Clarence's mind.

[Narrator]

I was walking past the boardroom at Ivy the other day just as the board of Governors was breaking up after an important session. Suddenly, my ears were assaulted by a very familiar voice. A voice?

[John Smith Sr.]

Carpenter.

[Mr. Wellman]

I say that, Mr. Carpenter? Oh, yeah.

[Narrator]

Mr. Wellman. Well, you look happy. What's wrong?

[John Smith Sr.]

Wrong?

[Mr. Wellman]

Nothing wrong. Business is good. The board just slashed a departmental appropriation. And you must realize, I mean, being in business yourself. Commerce, that is.

[Narrator]

Well, now that you mentioned Mr. Well. Well, then we might as well say world commerce. I represent Schlitz Beer. You know, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The Beer.

[Mr. Wellman]

I know all that, Carpenter. I must say that it's common knowledge. Why do you buttonhole me and give me a sales talker?

[Narrator]

Well, I didn't. Oh, Schlitz Beer. Yeah, Very familiar name.

[Mr. Wellman]

S, H, L, I, T, Z.

[Narrator]

No, no, no. It's S, C, H, L, I, T, Z. You left out the C. I said.

[Mr. Wellman]

S, C, H, L, I, T, Z. I thought I did, didn't I? Well, what's just one letter?

[Narrator]

Well, in this particular case, it's very important. But ordinarily, I'd say Schlitz beer is the one beer.

[Mr. Wellman]

I've given Mrs. Wellman proof. I mean, to store in our refrigerator.

[Narrator]

What has storing Schlitz in your refrigerator got to do with being chairman of the board of governors, Mr. Wellman?

[Dr. Hall]

Silly question, Carpenter.

[Mr. Wellman]

Obvious. As chairman of the board, watchdog of the treasury, always by quality, no appropriations, unless. Well, good heavens, Carpenter, as a businessman.

[Narrator]

Mr. Wellman, what is it? I'm sorry.

[Mr. Wellman]

I wasn't through yet, Carpenter. I mean, I just want to say that a quality product, cotton, that justifies and appropriate and Schlitz Beer is. I mean, the best. Is none too good for someone who. Am I making myself clear, Carpenter?

[Narrator]

Oh, yes, yes. Perfectly clear, Mr. Wellman. Not only to me, but to millions of Americans were enjoying Schlitz, the most popular beer in history.

[Mr. Wellman]

Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it couldn't happen to a finer beer.

[Narrator]

Thank you, Mr. Carpenter.

[Mr. Wellman]

I must be off now. Got to check up on the supplies.

[Dr. Hall]

Now. Refrigerator.

[Narrator]

Well, a pleasant good afternoon to you, Mr. Elman. Not just from me, but from Schlitz, too. As we return to the halls of ivy, Dr. Hall arrives home a little late from a busy afternoon to find his wife, Victoria, curious to hear the latest bulletins.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Darling, come in and shut the door and sit here by the fire. And now tell me about the Ditch and the Bust.

[Dr. Hall]

The Ditch and the.

[Mr. Merriweather]

Oh, yeah.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Dr. Hall]

You mean the. The Halloween business.

[John Smith Sr.]

Yes.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, I've been almost too busy to consider it. Really.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, I can't see that you're responsible for it anyway, unless there's a student back of it. On the other hand, I don't think you're quite immune. I don't see how we can sit here inert and inept. Or am I being inane?

[Dr. Hall]

On the contrary, darling, you are being extremely in. I flatter myself that I am both earth and ept, if not wholly muune. And in staunchly defending the neglected positive, I am not only pertinent, but sipid. However, there does seem to be a student Involved what?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

A John Smith.

[Dr. Hall]

Strangely enough, we have two at Ivy. It seems it rather points to a third year student, a John Smith Jr. He is asked to see me and is coming over.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Toddy, what about Wellman's message? Surely he couldn't make use of his position as chairman of the Board of Governors to give out contracts.

[Dr. Hall]

I prefer not to think so. I think Merriweather jumped to some sinister conclusion. But we'll know all about it tomorrow. When? That'll be young Smith, no doubt. Thank you, Vicki. If you'll show him in.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Yeah, I will. And if he says his name's Finkelhoff, I'll scream.

[John Smith Jr.]

How do you do, Mrs. Hall? I'm John Smith.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, John Smith, come in. Dr. Hall is waiting for you.

[Narrator]

Thank you.

[Dr. Hall]

Ah, Smith, glad to see you. Take a seat.

[John Smith Jr.]

Forgive me, Dr. Hall, if I impinge on your valuable time.

[Dr. Hall]

No impingement, I assure you.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

I think Dr. Hall likes all his students to pinch occasionally. I hope I'm being pudent.

[John Smith Jr.]

I thank your pardon, Mrs. Hall.

[Dr. Hall]

It's all right, Smith. Mrs. Hall is brushing up on her neglected positives and is inclined to get a little. Well, you wanted to see me?

[John Smith Jr.]

Yes, I did, Dr. Hall. It has been well said that an idle tongue is the offspring of an empty mind.

[Dr. Hall]

Uh, yes.

[John Smith Jr.]

And that the prattle of fools is at the sound of an ill tuned cymbal.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, I don't for the moment recognize.

[John Smith Jr.]

It is a lamentable, although no doubt natural corollary of the world's situation today, Dr. Hall, that your valuable time and mine should have to be wasted by the foolish pranks of adolescents. It has been brought to my attention that certain members of the student body are laboring under the delusion that I am guilty of decorating works of art with facial adornment and in indulging in sabotage along faculty row.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, your assurance, Mr. Smith, that you had nothing to do with such foolishness is good enough. And I appreciate your coming to see me. How long have you been as Ivy?

[John Smith Jr.]

I am commencing my third year, Dr. Hall. And may I say that in spite of certain elements here that are to be deplored, I regard Ivy College not only as my alma mater, but as nay plus ultra.

[Dr. Hall]

Nay plus Latin, meaning, of course, nothing finer. And what are you. What are you majoring in, Smith?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Latin, naturally.

[John Smith Jr.]

And I am applying myself to courses in political economy and in public speaking.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, you should study some of my husband's speeches.

[John Smith Jr.]

Oh, I do, Mrs. Hall. All of them. May I say that I pattern my phraseology and diction along the lines of Dr. Hall.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

You're doing fine, John.

[John Smith Jr.]

I would like to add, Mrs. Hall, that I regard him as my. My a plus ultra. Precisely.

[Dr. Hall]

Yes, thank you, but. But return to the subject under first discussion, Smith. Now, have you any light to throw on this Halloween matter? Do you know who did it? How did your name become mixed up in it? Are you or have you ever been a member of.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Darling, the fifth Amendment?

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, yes, yes. As I was saying.

[John Smith Jr.]

Excuse me, sir. My father has been visiting me here and I know he wants to meet you. I believe he might throw more light on this mystery than anyone. I think it would be well if you talked with him.

[Dr. Hall]

By all means. I shall be happy to meet him.

[John Smith Jr.]

Then I will take my leave, Mrs. Hall.

[Dr. Hall]

Good day. Good day and thank you for coming. Oh, before you go, that quotation, the prattle of fools is as.

[John Smith Sr.]

As.

[John Smith Jr.]

As an ill tuned symbol.

[Dr. Hall]

Ah, yes, yes, yes. Very good, very good. I can't quite place the authorship.

[John Smith Jr.]

My own, Dr. Hall.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, very good. Very good indeed.

[John Smith Jr.]

Except for the ill tuned symbol. I borrowed that from Sir Francis Bacon.

[Dr. Hall]

Good night.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Good night.

[Dr. Hall]

Good night.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

My husband will be down a minute, Mr. Smith. Please sit down. Your son just left here half an hour ago.

[John Smith Sr.]

What did you think of him?

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, he.

[John Smith Sr.]

A bit of a punk, eh? He's young.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Of course, he's clever.

[John Smith Sr.]

Young, clever. Yes, but what are we going to do with him? He's got blinkers on. Can't see right or left. How can you judge if you only see straight ahead? Might as well be a horse. Oh, Dr. Hall, I believe.

[Dr. Hall]

Smith. I'm glad to see you. I heard your last remark and I agree. It's only by seeing on all sides that one is enabled to evaluate what's ahead.

[John Smith Sr.]

That's right. That's why Junior doesn't laugh. No sense of fun. Took him on a roller coaster when he was a kid and he kept asking questions about centrifugal force.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, I. I think with a little help and guidance, Ivy can broaden his view.

[John Smith Sr.]

That's why I sent him here.

[Dr. Hall]

But we don't claim to work miracles. Science has yet to succeed in isolating the germ of humor. I personally believe that lacking the ability to create humor, the next best thing is to cultivate an appreciation of it, which I think is largely a matter of acquiring a sense of proportion. I've no doubt that when and if your son learns that dignity without humor is pomposity, he might relax a bit. We don't train students to be circus clowns, Mr. Smith. But. But we do believe that a man who cannot smile is not fully educated.

[John Smith Sr.]

Well, that sounds like good sense. I don't expect you to teach him to go around with loaded cigars cackling like a maniac, but he's pretty stealthy.

[Dr. Hall]

He's a good boy.

[John Smith Sr.]

Honest, loyal.

[Dr. Hall]

Oh, yes, yes. His loyalty to Ivy is unquestioned. And he refused to give away the practical joker of last night's escapade. Although I felt sure he knew who it was.

[John Smith Sr.]

That's right, Doctor.

[Dr. Hall]

He did.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Well, do you know who caused all the trouble?

[John Smith Sr.]

I do, ma'. Am.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, can you tell us who did it?

[John Smith Sr.]

I did.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

You did?

[Dr. Hall]

You did?

[John Smith Sr.]

Mrs. Hall, last night was Halloween, years ago, when other kids were going around tearing up the town. Junior was up in his room reading. Well, I arrived here yesterday to see the boy, of course, but I looked up my old friend Wellman out of town. Then Jackson in biology, down with the flu. So I went around town with Junior, saw a couple of youngsters hanging a cap and gown on old Bradford's TV antenna. Junior disapproved. Another bunch of kids were. Well, I won't give them away in front of the doctor here, but Junior disapproved. Just then we were passing Wellman hall and there was the bust of old Grandpa looking as smug as ever. And, well, I couldn't resist it. You know the rest.

[Dr. Hall]

Yes, but. But carving up the faculty row, did you?

[John Smith Sr.]

I'm the John Smith Contracting company of Philadelphia, Dr. Hall. I can't afford to give a million dollars to Ivy. But Ivy's where I place my hopes for Junior. And a year ago, I ruined the springs of my car and wrenched my sacroiliac bumping along that garn death trap I call Casualty Road. So I told Wellman I'd fix it.

[Dr. Hall]

For him for nothing. Well, that was very generous of you, Mr. Smith.

[John Smith Sr.]

Yesterday, seeing he take no action in the matter, I dug a hole outside his door just to give him a laugh. Don't often get a chance to mix business with pleasure. Now, I'll finish the road for you and give you the finest surface this side of the big city.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

I think that's wonderful. Surface with a smile, I always say.

[Dr. Hall]

There'S a happy and profitable ending. Thank you, Mr. Smith.

[John Smith Sr.]

So, goodbye, Doctor. Mrs. Hall.

[Dr. Hall]

Or must you go?

[John Smith Sr.]

Yes, I must be on my way. And, oh, look after the boy, won't you? We will.

[Dr. Hall]

Goodbye.

[John Smith Sr.]

Goodbye.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Goodbye.

[Dr. Hall]

Well, Vicki, we're going to have a new faculty row now. We'll have to find a way to repay Mr. Smith by doing something For Junior, who doesn't seem to concur with the old verse which I have just revised for Halloween.

[John Smith Sr.]

What verse?

[Dr. Hall]

Wake me early, Mother dear, for I'm to be queen of the mayhem.

[John Smith Sr.]

Oh.

[Dr. Hall]

And Vicki. Vicki, hand me the telephone, will you? I think I'll call up the School of Horticulture.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

At this time of the evening? What do you want, some nightshade?

[Dr. Hall]

No, no, I. I was just thinking. If an onion can make one weep what a fortune awaits the man who can grow a vegetable to make one laugh.

[Narrator]

The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. And Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz, the taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz Bernard beer first in sales in the usa why don't you two enjoy the most popular beer in history? Next time, every time, ask for Schlitz beer. Now here again are Mr. And Mrs. Ronald Colin.

[Dr. Hall]

Good night, everybody.

[Mrs. Hall (Victoria)]

Good night from all of us.

[Narrator]

And from our sponsor, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and its thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation.

[Dr. Hall]

Good night.

[Narrator]

Good night. We'll be seeing you next week at this same time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. And Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. Merriweather was played by Gil Gordon. John Smith Senior was Hanley Stafford And John Smith Jr. Was Charles Smith. Tonight's script was written by Ronald Coleman and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolf and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We invite you to enjoy on television the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes, Margaret Sullivan, Walter Hampton and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See your newspaper for Time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking.

[John Smith Sr.]

Your holy.