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Hancock's Half Hour 19xx.xx.xx The Christmas Club
00:29:05
Hancock's Half Hour 19xx.xx.xx The Christmas Club
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We present tony hancock, sydney james, wilfred babbage, hugh morton and frank partington in hank of. What are you looking so pleased about? I am looking so pleased because tonight is the annual share out of the Hand and Reckitt Slate Club. I didn't know you belonged to that. I know you don't. I don't think I was going to tell you, do you? You'd have had it all out by Issa. Now, mate, this year I'm making sure we have the necessary finance to provide a Christmas fair befitting a gourmet of my capacity. You're not having a repetition of last year three and six between us, we manage the Christmas dinner out of it. A Christmas dinner, he says. Turkey feet and chips, and I compare that to the splendor and elegance of the Christmases of my childhood at Hancock Towers. The servants lined up on the great winding staircase, bowing in turn as I pass them on the way to the great hall where stood the 60 foot Christmas tree heavy with presents, the whole family seated round the 40 foot long refectory table, my father at the door passing out sovereigns to all the gardeners and the skivvies and the butler supervising, the servant of the dinner, lifting up the huge silver tureen and there underneath it, lo and behold, turkey feet and chips. No it wasn't. Chickens, geese, ducks, turkeys, pheasants, sides of beef, dirty great hands, legs of pork, puddings. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Lying about for days we were unable to move. That's why I went in the State Club every time I've had a brown ale at the hand and racket. I put another sixpence in the club. You must have about 150 nickety collect. Are you insinuating that I'm a junkard? No. Let's face it, on a Saturday night you don't waste any time, do you? Like a juggler in there some nights. One up, one down, one in your hand. That is not true. I do not drink any more than any other member of the crib team. Well, you don't ever get your matchsticks in the hole if your hands are a bit shaky. I must admit I've got a goodly sum to come, boy. Enough to make this Christmas a real table creaker. What time's a sheer out then? Half past six a week, honey. That bloke me open at six. Six or be in a till by half past ten. Well, mine won't. Mine's coming out and straight down the supermarket first thing in the morning. Pulling half a dozen wire pans behind me. All loaded up. Somebody at the door. Well, if it's carol singers, tell them somebody's just been. If it weren't carol singers, we'd have heard them singing. Not round here, boy. Kids don't sing on spec these days. They want to see the color of your money before they open their mouths. They got a price list round here. God rest ye merry gentlemen. Half a dollar. We three kings of Orient are shilling a verse or five verses for three and six. I don't sing for the enjoyment of it these days. Money mad they are. It's a sign of the times. Do you know the choirboys were out in a wildcat strike last week? Right in the middle of the polyclacket's wedding. The vicar's negotiating with them at the moment. They're putting it up for arbitration. It's not right when you get six year old kids pick it in the church. Well, go on, open the door. No, let them knock it out. Go on, answer it. It's not my turn. It is your turn. Well, I'm not getting up. Boy, you pinch my seat. I will not pinch your seat. Yes you will. You always try and get nearest the fire. I wonder who it is. Well, I don't know. Could be anybody. Yeah, I suppose it could. One of us ought to go. It might be important. Yeah, it might be. Well go on then, open it. No, no, you open it. Go on, you open it. No, no, they probably got away, but now anyway. No, they haven't. They haven't. They're still There, So they are. Yes. I wonder who it is. Might be the milkman. No, he's been. Oh, yes. I Wonder if it's Mrs. Biggs. That's a thought. It might be her, mightn't it? Yeah. Sounds like her knock. Yes, it does, doesn't it? I wonder what she wants. I don't want to know. Go and find out now. It might not be her. No, that's true. I can't think who else it could be, you know. Neither can I. Well, go and see who it is then. I tell you, it's not my turn. Oh, God. What difference does it make whose turn it is? You're so petty, Sid. That's your trouble. You've got a little mind. Well, you go there. No, why should I? Like a knock all night. As far as Uncle Sid, I am not shifty and neither am I. Must be important for him to keep on knocking like that. Yeah, must be. I mean, I wouldn't keep on knocking like that if nobody answered. Yeah, well, I mean, it would depend on what you wanted, wouldn't it? Yes, that's true. That is true. Yes.
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Yes.
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I can't argue then. No, no, be fair. No fair. Dues all round. Yes, you're quite right. That is very true. You've never said a truer word, and I admire you for it. But then again, that's very true. You've made your point. There's no doubt about that. Yes, but if you got no answer after all that time, I mean, one can only conclude, looking at it by and large, that they're out and go away. Well, not necessarily. I mean. Well, they could be in the backyard having a bath. I mean. I mean, you wouldn't get out of a hot glass dripping wet just to go and open the front door, would you? We're not in a bath, are we? No, but he doesn't know that, the bloke who's knocking. No, that's true. That's very true. Yes, you're quite right there. Yes. Yes, fair enough. Yes, very well worked out indeed. It might be Bill or Bill Kerr, now he's in Australia. Well, it might be a present from him. Well, that's not worth getting up for. I don't want another boomerang. Oh, I don't suppose it's anybody. You just thought he'd have gone by now, wouldn't you? Well, whoever it is, he's dead anxious to see you. No, no. Mind you, he might not want to see me. He might be knocking at the wrong house. I don't know I'd go and see it if I was you. You might regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. No, no, no, no. You'll pinch my chair. I won't pinch your chair, I promise. All right, all right. Go on, say it. Say what? You know what. Go on, just say it. Oh, blimey. Now let's die afterwards. Go on, say it. If you were sincere, you'd say it now. Go on. If I pinch your chair, I hope to die in a cellar full of rats. Go on. Go on, say it. No, I'm not gonna say that. Ah, you're frightened it might happen, aren't you? Yes. Well, I'm not going. Oh, all right, I'll say it. All right, say it properly with your hand over your heart. Oh, blimey. Hope to die. You haven't got your fingers crossed. What a nag you are. Hope to die in a cellar full of rats. There. All right, I'm taking the chair with me. Just.
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Who was it?
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My body's gone. You see that? We'll never know who it was now, you lazy great lump. Hello. He's come round the back. I wonder who it is. Oh, don't start all that again. All right, all right, I'm coming. Oh, you're in, then. Oh, good evening, Constable. Is there anything wrong? I haven't contravened any regulations, have I? You haven't called about the wireless license. Have you seen the post? Actually, the set's broken. I'm not actually using it. It's been gone for months. I never listened to it. Here's the news. Turn that thing off. It's next door. They're very thin walls, my friend. He's mended it. He's a mechanic, you know. He's a marvel with electrical apparatus. He's a wonder. Well done, Sid. Yes, yes, we'll send it off immediately. I haven't called about the wireless license, sir. Oh. Oh, we won't bother then. I'm not on official business. It's nothing to do with the law. Oh, well, in that case, Merry Christmas. Do come in, have a glass of sherry. Well, I shouldn't really, sir. Oh, come on now. Come on, fill your helmet up. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a.
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By Grainger for the ones who get it done. Sid. Sid, it's the police. It's a friendly visit. Nothing to do with a lot. Oh, here he comes. What are you doing in the wardrobe? Well, I. I just climbed in to hang up ties. Evening, officer. Good evening, sir. I'm sorry to bother you gentlemen, but I'm calling on behalf of the Police Benevolent Fund. By heavens, yes. An admirable organization. I'm all for it. I didn't know we were qualified. Well, it couldn't have come at a better time. How much did we actually get? Why, I think you misunderstand, sir. I called to ask you if you care to make a donation for making a special Christmas collection. Oh, Ah, yes. Ah, yeah, we. We give something to you. Yes, I see. Well, I'd very much like to. Good. Wait a minute. I haven't finished, had I? Christmas is of course a very hard time for some people. Exactly. And that's why we are coming around asking. I mean, for the ones that are being asked. I mean, we've got a lot of experience, expenses and times have been very hard and I know that many people have never had it so good, but believe me, I have. I have many times. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll leave the envelope with you and give what you can and another constable call around tomorrow and collect it. Well, I wouldn't bother. There must be plenty of things for great strapping policemen to do than collect empty envelopes. Well, I hope it won't be empty, sir. Especially now your clever friends mended that wireless set and you haven't got the license yet. Do you see what I mean? Oh, I do, I do, yes. It's driven straight home, that has. Well, tomorrow then. Thank you, sir. Here's the envelope. Yes, it's a big one, isn't it? I think the dustman's at it this Year. Well, I'll bid you good day. Merry Christmas. Thank you. Thank you. Can I have the sherry glass back, please? Pardon? In your pocket. Oh, yes. An oversight. Yes, just like us with the radio license. Good day to you. I knew we shouldn't have opened the door. You didn't say much, did you? Well, there's not much point. I never believe any of my statements. You're not gonna put anything in that envelope, are you? Well, I haven't got any choice, have I? I must have me radio over Christmas. I'll miss London. Call in the Commonwealth. Come in, Canada. Greetings to our cousins in Australia. Are you there, Zanzibar? Come in. The Beach Head Lighthouse. I can't miss all that. I sit there with a mouthful of pudding and the atlas in front of me and a lump in my throat. I couldn't. I know. I'll give him half a quid out of me steak club. I won't miss it. Just have to do without me box of Algerian dates. I never eat them anyway. I always lose the plastic fork. Let's get down the hand and rack it. We don't want to miss the share out. What's the time? Five to six.
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Right.
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Well, we'll wait till five past. Give him a chance to draw off last night's bitter. I'd like to see some bubbles on the top of it. Not just lying there stagnating. Oh, dear, look at him. What a mob. It hasn't been this full since the church outing. They're all down here for the share out. It looks to me as though they've had the share out. This is most worrying. Where's the treasurer? Where's Bert Stringer? Has anybody seen Bert Stringer? Hello, Hello. Merry Christmas, all. Santa Claus is here. Good old Ballot Stringer. You come back, then? Come to throw yourself on our mercy? I've heard it all before. You're a respectable man. You don't know what happened. You had a blackout. You didn't know what came over you. The temptation was too great. I know. I've heard it all before. Well, I'm going straight to the police. What are you talking about? Have you got the State Club money or not? Yes, of course I have. Oh. What do you have in there? The usual. A pint. Right. A pint of whiskey for Bert. Right. Well, let's get at the share out, then. Right. We'll get around. Get this overlapped. Epic Club. Cards ready. Eddie Perkins, £33 10. Arthur Bateman, £29. Fred Nutting, £35 2 and 6. Mr. Antony Hancock. 3 and 9. 3 and 9. I've been putting in since last Christmas. And I'm joke boy, that's all. Just a Jerry's Christmas. Have a little laugh. Haven't you got a sense of humor? No, I have not when it comes to money. Now, come on. How much have I got? Whack it out. Why? £59. 8 and 11. I think you've made a mistake. Oh, I don't think so. I know so. Check it again. You've made a mistake. 20, 40, 50. 59. 59 pounds ain't 11. Thank you. All right, drinks all round. It is not drinks all round. Give me that money back. Oh, come on, Ebenezer. Come on, it's Christmas. Lash out a bit. I'll lash out all right, at the first man who orders a drink. Quite enough unexpected expenses as it is. 10 bob in the police benevolent fund and that is the lot. I've denied myself pleasures all year to have a good Christmas. Come, Sydney, let us leave these Hogarthian grotesques to the delights of their gin palaces. One red paper chain, one green one, one blue one. You got any more glue? Here you are. You've got two red ones together there. Why don't you pay attention? Does it matter? Does it matter? Of course it matters. What's the point of having a predetermined pattern if you're going to put two red ones together but no taste at all? Sticks them together and hopes for the best. When you've hung them up, break that bar of chocolate up and put it in the bowl on the sideboard. Five fags in the wine glass, last year's nuts out the larder and we're all set and it's tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy do you mind? You might shut it up. I'm doing my best. You might at least alert the tune. Well, blob is not much, is it? Man does not live by nuts alone, you know. Beautifully put. That is why I'm going out shopping as you wait, I suppose. Come back laden £59 worth of assorted belt strainer. Oh, yeah, by the way, that. That copper come round, I give him the envelope. 10 shillings down the drain. I'll have to cross the tin of chocolate fingers off the list. Mal. I'll see you later. Where's the envelope? What envelope? With a slate club envelope. The envelope with the £59 and I put it on the mantelpiece. Where is it? Well, it's still up there. Have a look. No, no, no. That's The Police Benevolent Fund envelope. I thought they called for it. Oh, dear. Oh, you haven't. Tell me. You haven't said please. I couldn't bear that. You've moved it, haven't you? You're playing about with me, aren't you? You're just having a little game. Yes, yes, yes. You've got it in your pocket, haven't you? The policeman didn't really call it. He said you haven't. I wondered why he looked so pleased when he looked in him. Oh, me. I should think he would look pleased. 59 quid out of the blue like that. Now, Ancock, keep calm. Don't upset yourself. Put that statue down. Don't do anything you're gonna be sorry for. Oh, I won't be sorry. I'm gonna enjoy it. You deserve this. No jury in the world could convict me. A man's Christmas savings given to a policeman. Now hold your head still. They haven't got anything. There's still a 10 bob you took out of this like and put in their envelopes. And what's that gonna buy me? Half a box of Japanese bonbons? Stop dodging around the table and come here. I demand you do the decent thing and receive a bashing. Now put that thing down. A cook. We can go to the police station and explain that a mistake has been made. Don't understand. Now give it back to us. Oh, yes, I can see him doing that. Please, can we have our 59 pounds back? And here's 10 bob for your trouble. Well, at least we can have a try. Well, I'm not going. You go. No, on second thoughts, if they gave it to you, I'd never see it again anyway. All right, come on. And mind that Christmas tree. I don't want a carpet full of needles. Oh, he's hopeless. Ah, good morning, Sergeant. A Merry Christmas to you. You can't have it. I see. You. You know what we're here for? I can guess. Yes. Well, my name is Anthony Hancock. This gentleman's name is. We know what his name is. Yes, of course, you would do. I won't take up too much of your valuable time. But of course, you must have realized that a slight mistake has been made. What mistake? Well, a young member of your constabulary called this morning a charming rosy cheeked young lad, a credit to the fourth. But inadvertently he was given the wrong envelope. And we found to our astonishment that we'd given you our Christmas money. What do you want me to do about it? Give it back to me. I'm sorry we haven't any machinery for returning money. It's gone through the accounts, been added up. You'll be getting a receipt, a letter of thanks first thing in the morning. I don't want a letter of thanks. You can't buy anything with that. I want me £59. Look, this collection was taken in all good faith to give the needy of this Baron a happy Christmas. We give them a party every year in the station canteen. Well, if I don't get my £59 back, you can put two more chairs there. I've never heard of such a thing. Look, it was obviously a mistake. Look, here's the Police Benevolent Fund envelope. Oh, thank you very much, sir. Just a minute. The donation from Mr. Hancock. Ten shillings. That's very kind of you, sir, but I didn't give you that. You did. I got it down. Look, I was showing you the mistake. You're supposed to give me the £59 back now. I'm sorry, sir. We've no machinery for returning money. No machinery? With the money you've had off me, you could buy an engineering work, sir. Well, if that's all, sir, I'm a very busy man. Do you realize, my good man, that we will now be completely without sustenance over the whole of the Christmas period? Oh, well, I'm glad you told me that, sir. I shall detail a man to knock at your door at periodical intervals to make sure you're all right. If you don't answer after the third knock, I'll call an ambulance. All right. Thank you very much. Not at all. That's what you pay us for. Look after your interest. Good day, sir. And a merry Christmas. Well, do you want to listen to London call in the Commonwealth?
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No.
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They start talking about parties going on in ships and airplanes. Christmas puddings on the beach in Australia. No, I don't want to hear it. So I'm hungry. Well, I'm starving. Pass me another nut. They've all gone. I've only had three. You, Clutton. Who, me? Yes, you. I've heard you. Those crackers have been going away like castanets all morning. You sure there's nothing in the larder? Well, there's a packet of nutmeg. Charming. Of course, I blame all this onto you. If you only knew how lucky you are. There's no cannibalism in this country. I've been having hallucinations. I'm so angry. And the picture's always the same. Your head stuck on a plate with an apple in your mouth. I'm going off Morocco I'm sure I am. I can hear music. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I've been thinking. I saw a Charlie Chaplin picture once where he was so hungry he made a stew out of his boot and he ate it. Twiddled the laces around like spaghetti and he pulled the nails out like bones. I am not interested in what Charlie Chaplin did in a film. This is real life. It's a different cup of tea altogether. I wonder how long they'd take if we cut him into strips and fry them like rashes. We got the nutmeg. Oh, it might be. No, what am I saying? It just shows you it doesn't matter how intellectual you are. There's no limit to what you'll do when your ribs are rattling. But I think of that feast we had last year. Turkey's feet and chips. We didn't realize how lucky we were. All right, never mind, boy. Let's pull a cracker. Oh, don't be so childish. But it might be a jelly bean in it or something. That's true. Yes. All right, Pat. I'm weak. You'll have to pull out. Ready? Pull. Just my Lucky gets the end with that in it. Oh, look. What? A little bit of scales. Don't laugh, mate, don't laugh. In a couple of days time, we'll be able to stand on them without moving it. That copper. Check him up again. We're all right. Go away. Can't be him. He goes away when we yell out. Of course it's him. He's trying to have a game with us. I'll have something to say to him. Now listen, you. If you do that again, I'll pull your helmet right down over your ears. Oh, hello, Vicar. Merry Christmas. Mr. Hancock. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, isn't it? I'm calling on behalf of the the Vicarage Benevolent Fund. We're holding a party for the needy of the parish tonight. I wonder if you care to contribute some food. Are you taking them? Mickey? Mickey. No, I don't believe he's coming. Well, can I put you down for a pudding? By all means. Can you bring it over straight away? A little drop of custard. Sit. The jug. I don't quite follow. I'm starving. We haven't got a bite to eat in here. We're in a terrible state. Oh, dear, that. Eat. Unfortunate. You've no food at all. Nothing. It's not a scrap. Oh, well, I'm sorry I troubled you then. I'll go next door and see if they can give me something. Merry Christmas. Come back, you Won't get anything from me next harvest festival. You can get your string of onions from somewhere else.
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Well, that's it.
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I pulled my last bell for him. You'll get no more nine tailors out of me. The times are nearly gone through the rafters hanging on the end of that rope. Close that door. I can smell next door's dinner while kidding. I'm sorry, Sid. I just can't get over it. The welfare state. And there's too many who haven't got a crystallized tangerine to call their own. I think the best thing for us to do is to each wrap ourselves up in a blanket, roll over and hope for the. Sam. Where am I? Where am I? What's happened? All right now, calm down. You're all right now. You're in hospital. Hospital. Hospital. Good. Food. Food, food, food. You must have some food here somewhere. Haven't you had enough? I beg your pardon? It's always the same. Every Christmas we get so many of these cases, it's disgusting. Overindulgence, eating themselves sick. It's disgusting. But you got it all wrong. No, I haven't. We looked around your house. There isn't a scrap of food left in the place. You've got through the lot. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. But you're wrong. Doc, we have an ed. Don't talk to me. I've got no sympathy for you people. No solids for these two for three days. Nurse, put them on the starvation diet. Give them an injection. Good day. Joke. Come back. Sister, you got a biscuit? Oh, what's the use? Go on, get it over with. Go on, shove the needle in. Get it over with. Put me out of my misery. If I don't come round by January 1st. Happy New Year to you. That was Hancock's Half Hour, starring Tony Hancock with Sydney James, Wilfred Babbage, Hugh Morton and Frank Fartington. Theme and incidental music composed and conducted by Wally Stott. Alan Simpson and Ray Gordon wrote the script and the production, which was recorded was by Tom Ronald. I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business. Three employees and two work trucks. Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most. They sure are. With step by step help on all his insurance needs. All for shockingly low rates. Shockingly low, huh? Just a little bit of electrician humor. Do you get it? I got it. You know, it feels like we have a real connection.
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All right, I'll stop, get a commercial auto insurance quote.
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Today@geico.com and see how much you could save.
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