Henry Morgan Show 1942.xx.xx Dog Horoscopes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Henry Morgan Show 1942.xx.xx – Dog Horoscopes

Podcast Information

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Description: Showcasing radio programs from the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved classics such as The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.
• Episode: Henry Morgan Show 1942.xx.xx – Dog Horoscopes
• Release Date: January 19, 2025

---

Introduction

In this episode of the Henry Morgan Show from 1942, hosted by the legendary Bob Hope, listeners are treated to a blend of sharp humor, satirical commentary, and classic radio banter. The episode primarily revolves around the whimsical concept of dog horoscopes, interspersed with Hope's characteristic humor about Hollywood, serials, and the quirks of the radio industry.

Dog Horoscopes Segment

Bob Hope kicks off the episode with a humorous critique of a recent trend he encountered: reading dog horoscopes. He pokes fun at the notion of psychoanalyzing pets, joking about setting up his own business to read dogs' paws for a fee.

Bob Hope [00:03]: "I'll read your dog's paws for 50 cents. I'll tell him stuff like his head rules his heart and so forth. Tell him that I can see his lifeline ends right in front of an automobile."

Hope continues to satirize the absurdity of the concept by contemplating the implications of psychoanalyzing dogs and imagining a Broadway show titled Doggy in the Dark.

Bob Hope [00:30]: "If he can be psychoanalyzed, we'll call it Doggy in the Dark. This is quite a sensational joke in there."

He further embellishes the joke by envisioning educated dogs and their potential for engaging in human-like activities, all delivered in his signature comedic style.

Introduction of New Cereal and Serial: Violet Ray

Transitioning smoothly, Hope introduces his latest ventures: a revived cereal line and a new radio serial named Violet Ray. He parodies the over-the-top nature of serial dramas, highlighting the exaggerated plot elements designed to keep listeners hooked.

Bob Hope [04:15]: "Violet Ray, the true to life story of a woman's fight to be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever."

Hope humorously lists the dramatic events within the first two weeks of the serial, emphasizing the unrealistic and convoluted nature typical of radio dramas of the era.

Bob Hope [05:10]: "In the first two weeks alone there are three marriages, two divorces, one baby, a murder, a courtroom trial, a crooked doctor that's crooked in there..."

Satirical Advertisement: Three Bell Cigarettes

Maintaining his comedic momentum, Hope rolls into a parody advertisement for "Three Bell Cigarettes." This segment lampoons the exaggerated claims made in advertisements, highlighting absurd product features that have no real value.

Bob Hope [06:20]: "Three Bell cigarettes are the result of having nine architects work for four months to perfect their ultra modern design."

His witty critique underscores the often ridiculous promises made by advertisers, all while entertaining the audience with his playful delivery.

Commentary on Hollywood and Citizen Kane

Hope shifts gears to discuss his experience watching Citizen Kane, delivering a humorous take on the film's production and reception. He mocks the multifaceted role of Orson Welles, who was deeply involved in every aspect of the movie's creation.

Bob Hope [07:29]: "They just have five kinds of Orson Wells in it. Strawberry, chocolate, lemon, Don Wilson."

Hope's playful jabs continue as he humorously critiques Hollywood's self-importance and the convoluted nature of blockbuster productions.

Bob Hope [08:00]: "Does Hollywood take this show, Sam? I'll soft pedal the rest of it, but no kidding, they must feel awful after the terrific razzing they gave that guy."

Frustrations with Radio Programming

Displaying his characteristic self-deprecation, Hope expresses frustration with the limitations and monotony of radio programming. He contemplates leaving the medium due to creative differences and the repetitive nature of the shows.

Bob Hope [09:10]: "If they can't keep track of their own lyrics, we're not just gonna put up with it anymore."

He humorously dramatizes his potential exit from radio, adding layers to his characterization as a performer grappling with the constraints of the medium.

Bob Hope [09:45]: "One of these nights he's gonna turn that theme on on cue and I quit radio forever."

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Bob Hope masterfully blends humor with social commentary, providing listeners with both laughs and thoughtful satire. His interactions with Sam and his ability to transition seamlessly between topics showcase his talent as a comedian and a commentator on the entertainment industry. The Henry Morgan Show episode on dog horoscopes stands as a testament to the enduring charm and wit of Bob Hope, making it a delightful listen for both vintage radio enthusiasts and new audiences alike.

Notable Quotes

• Bob Hope [00:03]: "I'll read your dog's paws for 50 cents. I'll tell him stuff like his head rules his heart and so forth."

• Bob Hope [04:15]: "Violet Ray, the true to life story of a woman's fight to be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever."

• Bob Hope [06:20]: "Three Bell cigarettes are the result of having nine architects work for four months to perfect their ultra modern design."

• Bob Hope [08:00]: "Does Hollywood take this show, Sam? I'll soft pedal the rest of it, but no kidding, they must feel awful after the terrific razzing they gave that guy."

---

This episode encapsulates the essence of Golden Age radio, blending humor, satire, and engaging storytelling. Bob Hope's performance is both entertaining and insightful, offering a glimpse into the comedic landscape of the 1940s while remaining relevant to contemporary listeners.

Transcript

[Bob Hope]

Just leave that one on a while so the kids know how well off they are today. Listen, as Sam lifes matches into those hot legs. Is that the Ed Wind Show? I wish I were on it, but couldn't be. I'm brooding. I'm still brooding about that business of reading a dog's horoscope. If you're one of those poor forgotten little people who never heard this delightful program before, you probably have forgotten that last night we came across a guy who reads dog horoscopes for a dollar. Apparently a legitimate type guy. I figure out that a lot of silly people will go for that nonsense. So I'm setting myself up in a small business of my own. I'll read your dog's paws for 50 cents. I'll tell him stuff like his head rules his heart and so forth. Tell him that I can see his lifeline ends right in front of an automobile. I'll give him a character analysis too, if he has any. And if I discover that dogs can be psychoanalyzed, I've got a wonderful idea for a new Broadway show. If he can be psychoanalyzed, we'll call it Doggy in the Dark. This is quite a sensational joke in there. If I took time out. This isn't far fetched, though. People bury dogs in swanky cemeteries and they build them stones and monuments and dogs are taught how to count and spell and people say they have souls. You send your dog to me. I'll finish his education. I'll get him religion. Then those dogs who eat three kinds of red heart dog food so they won't become bored will look forward to Friday. People send their dogs to the store. Why not teach them to play poker with you then? I know people who claim that dogs talk to each other in dog talk. I hear it on children's programs. They talk about dogs talking. Well, does a French poodle speak French dog talk? Does a. Does an Irish terrier have a brogue? I'm just asking. I'm not raising an issue. I've seen dogs in vaudeville that can tumble and balance themselves in one paw stuff. I've got a new act. I'm teaching my dog to ice skate. I have another one that does card tricks. Oh, shut up, Sam. Will you stop that clowning? What happened? We won't mislead you. That ain't Costellanis. Go on with it. I suppose that ain't. But this is. Is that all? Are you through? Okay, this brings us to our cereal. I'm glad you're finished, Sam, because Now I can present my new cereal which we're just reviving because now I can sing a theme song for it. Haven't written a theme song, but it goes something like Alive is thrilling, Alive, Divine as. Let's go. Something like that. His new serial is entitled Violet Ray. The true to life story of a woman's fight to be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever. What a serial this is, folks. Why, in the first two weeks alone there are three marriages, two divorces, one baby, a murder, a courtroom trial, a crooked doctor that's crooked in there, a crooked doctor, a scheming lawyer, two funny detectives, a rich uncle, and through it all, one woman's fight to be allowed to meddle in other people's business so that the story can go on forever. This brand new series is sponsored by the makers of three Bell cigarettes. The cigarette that is 30% wider so you can get a grip on it. Now originally we made these three Bell cigarettes 20% longer so that the smoke would travel further and be cooler. But we found that as soon as you'd smoked off that extra length, everything was just as hot as before. So now we present three bell, the 30% wider cigarette. Of course there's no more tobacco in these cigarettes, but we just made them flatter. But they fill up more of your mouth longitudinally. We have special matches to go with them. The matches light lengthwise. Three Bell cigarettes are the result of having nine architects work for four months to perfect their ultra modern design. On land, in the air and on the sea, you will find people, airplanes and fish respectively. And now Violet Ray. The soul searing drama of one woman against everything. Her chief trouble being that she's always a bride and never a bridesmaid. She's been married seven times and she's worth $84. That's what's left from her first husband's insurance which took care of her and the next five husbands for a while. Her present spouse is in Chicago, Illinois. He's writing radio serials. He lives in a room that's been cork lined and keg lined to retain his natural corn flavor. As our scene opens today, the curtain catches on something after going up only a foot and we can only see the actor's feet. The brown shoes turn left and say something to the high heeled pumps. Can't hear any of the dialogue at all. Tune in tomorrow. Maybe we fix curtain. Tune in right now and hear transcription. Sam, look, I don't mind when you torture listeners, but include me Out. Can you play something else? If that's what radio needs? Boy, I'm surprised.

[Sam]

In Wyoming there is a reservation. There is an Asian lingaroo nation on this wacky reservation. All the brains there are trucking on down the walk. They threw away their time. A hawk. One little, two little, three little Indians Four little, five little, six little Indians Seven, eight, nine, ten little Indians swing Little Indians swing.

[Bob Hope]

Look, if they can't keep tree, they can't keep track of their own lyrics. We're not just gonna put up with it anymore. Did you know that I'm a big shot around town now? Oh, yes. This Morgan's important here in city. Last night Tommy Dorsey opened at the Aster Roof and I was there. Oh, yes. I saw Fred Waring and Victor Mature and Nick Kenny and. Well, since they don't see me, it was sort of a little lonesome. And you know, by special. I know Dorsey, though. By special request of my girl. Dorsey opened his radio program with. I'm getting sentimental over you made me look like Big Time. Made my girl feel awfully good. My boss was there too. He bought us lemonades. And we had our picture taken in some kind of a group photo. It'll be in the Wenatchee Home News next Friday. We saw Citizen Kane last night too. Moving picture. Fine picture. Has five kinds of Orson Wells in it. Strawberry, chocolate, lemon, Don Wilson. They say it has something to do with Hearst, but I don't think so. I think it's about Orson. Orson as a child, Orson as a young man, Orson running for governor, Orson making speeches. Orson in love with himself. Directed by Orson, produced by Orson, written by Orson and another guy. The only thing he couldn't figure out was how to be in the picture and do the photography too. So they had Greg Tolum do it. Kidding. On the level, though, the biggest kick I got out of the whole thing was thinking how silly Hollywood must feel. Does Hollywood take this show, Sam? I'll soft pedal the rest of it, but no kidding, they must feel awful after the terrific razzing they gave that guy. They must feel the way I do when I get my paycheck. That sudden bump in the head. And it so happens, wise guy, it's a great picture. You know, I never said that before about anything. Even my father liked it. And he hasn't liked a picture since the Great Train Robbery. By the way, my father sells insurance. Anybody care? Sells a very good brand of insurance. It'll last you a lifetime. That's your lifetime. If you want me to explain these things this brings me to the time when I got good and tired of doing radio programs for little money and for people who didn't care about anything but Fred Allen. So the next scene is the one in which I lock the door and turn on all the gas jets while Sam turns the theme on. One of these nights he's gonna turn that theme on on cue and I quit radio forever. Morgan will be on the same corner in front of the cigar store tomorrow night the same time the weather forecast, Scotch Mist. Followed by a representative of Rogers Pete and Company. I'll have to explain that they Rogers Pete has a fabric they call Scotch Mist out of which they make overcoats for men. Well, what about it? Well, nothing about it, but I made a weather for it. Well, so what is it? Well, no Russets don't bother me.

[Announcer]

This is the Mutual Broadcasting System, KGB San Diego. Don Lee station.

[Bob Hope]

Marvelous.

[Announcer]

Of course, Chrysler Fluid Drive and Vac O Matic Transmission are marvelous. They have switched owners to Chrysler at the fastest rate in history. Fluid Drive must be important. Must be tremendously appealing to influence sales so much. Find out for yourself. See Mark Hanna drive a Chrysler today. Mark Hanna, Chrysler and Plymouth Distributor, India at sea.