House Of Unspeakable Secrets 67-12-18 (7) White Cat

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold’s Old Time Radio

Episode: House Of Unspeakable Secrets 67-12-18 (7) White Cat
Date: October 12, 2025
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio

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Brief Overview

This episode features a suspenseful installment from the radio drama House of Unspeakable Secrets. In "The White Cat," the seventh part of Ernest Dudley’s comic-strip thriller, we follow Hilaire, a fashionable Mayfair hairdresser and covert operative, as he unravels a sinister web of intrigue involving secret agents, mistaken identities, and a mysterious white cat. The story is a quintessential Golden Age radio thriller: dialogue-heavy, teeming with dark humor, and filled with plots, double-crosses, and a creeping sense of danger.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Developments

1. The Mysterious Suitcase and Disguises (00:28–02:30)

• Hilaire and his superior Major Selby investigate an airport hotel connected to their rival, Lord Dulane.
• They retrieve a swinging suitcase from a balcony, discovering inside a set of fancy dress costumes.
• The costume—Monsieur Bequer—suggests someone changed quickly and vanished, highlighting the story's espionage theme.
• “Well, you need to get out of that gear you’re wearing. Into my pajamas... Any body think it was your bedtime.” (01:10)

2. A Body in the Backseat and Police Suspicion (02:30–05:15)

• Hilaire and Selby discover the masked and dead body of Zoe Bellamy in their car, clearly planted by Dulane’s agents to frame or distract them.
• They narrowly avoid police questioning about drunkenness and suspicious activity, using wit and improvisation to deflect suspicion.
• “You think I’m drunk?” (05:17)

3. Actors, Alibis, and a Bomb at the Fancy Dress Party (08:38–13:27)

• The action shifts to Lord Dulane’s domestic circle, where he and his wife discuss the night's chaos.
• Dulane's office is abuzz with the ramifications of a bomb at a party, the planting (and switching) of a body, and the risk of Lady Dulane's involvement.
• Dulane’s agent is urged to "see off" Hilaire, whom they recognize as a significant threat due to his skills and nerve.
• “Hairdresser he may be, but no sissy. I recall he's hot stuff at this. Unarmed combat, judo, karate, sir. Granted, he's taught to kill.” (12:12)

4. Espionage Dealings and Exposed Loyalties (15:25–18:42)

• Major Selby visits Lord Dulane, and together they debate whether to collaborate to eliminate Hilaire, each wary of betrayal.
• They banter about the peculiarities and risks of employing unconventional operatives—a hairdresser among secret agents.
• “Well, surely between us we should be able to take care of him if we put our greasy cards on the table.” (17:41)

5. Mother’s Worries and an Unexpected Dead ‘Major’ (18:09–20:06)

• Hilaire’s mother expresses concern about his safety as he plans to travel to Marlow to rescue Joseph, who may be held captive by Dulane.
• Returning home, they discover the Major apparently dead in their kitchen—only for him to wake up, revealing he was merely asleep.
• Humorous confusion and dramatic irony abound.
• “Not the first time I’ve been taken for dead and turned out to be alive.” (20:02)

6. A Dangerous Rendezvous at Marlow (20:06–22:09)

• The Major warns Hilaire that Lord Dulane’s men are after him and urges him to leave for Marlow at once, using the window to exit undetected.
• Hilaire’s own mother is left bewildered by the rapid and covert departure:
  • “You're only on the first floor. It's an easy drop. Get going, Hilaire!” (21:13)
• He narrowly escapes, en route to the Kingfisher Inn for his next assignment.

7. The Kingfisher Inn and the White Cat (22:25–26:45)

• At the inn, Hilaire is struck by the appearance of a name he recognizes—Caress Neville—suggesting an unexpected twist or presence.
• In his room, he observes the peaceful riverside, only to be disturbed by sightings of a white cat. The night porter makes cryptic remarks:
  • “White cats are deaf, sir. Oh, really? That's what they say.” (24:50)
• The episode closes eerily as Hilaire realizes the cat is not deaf but dead—a stark, uncanny symbol:
  • “It’s dead.” (26:45)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Disguises and Espionage:
  “So whoever was wearing it got back here, changed out of that fancy dress and vanished.” (00:56)

• On being an unconventional agent:
  “Hairdresser he may be, but no sissy. I recall he’s hot stuff at this. Unarmed combat, judo, karate…” (12:12)

• On danger and confusion:
  “Not the first time I’ve been taken for dead and turned out to be alive. Very much alive.” (20:02)

• On mothers and the stress of espionage:
  “You look out for trouble, darling. I will be so thankful when you are through with all this business.” (18:36)

• The episode’s final twist:
  “It’s not deaf, sir. No. It’s dead.” (26:45)

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Important Timestamps

• Suitcase Retrieval & Clues: 00:28–01:50
• Discovery of the Dead Girl (Zoe Bellamy): 02:54–03:20
• Police Interrogation: 04:30–05:40
• Lord Dulane's Parlor Politics: 10:25–12:30
• Major Selby & Lord Dulane’s Meeting: 15:25–17:46
• Escape via Window: 20:10–21:30
• Arrival at Kingfisher Inn/White Cat Reveal: 22:25–26:45

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Tone and Atmosphere

The episode combines dry British humor, suspense, and classic radio drama theatricality, shifting between farce (mistaken identities, witty banter) and genuine thriller (assassination plots, sudden deaths, secret assignations). Even in tense moments, the dialogue is laced with wit and subtle irony, keeping the listener both engaged and slightly off-balance.

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Final Thoughts

This installment is a textbook example of mid-century radio mystery, layering intrigue upon intrigue as Hilaire navigates between friend and foe. The episode’s closing image—a deceptively ordinary white cat that is, in fact, dead—closes the adventure on a note of dread and unresolved peril, ensuring listeners will return for the conclusion of this twisting saga.

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Transcript

[A]

The House of Unspeakable Secrets Leslie Phillips in Ernest Dudley's eight part comic strip thriller episode seven the White Cat.

[B]

That.

[A]

Well known Mayfair hairdresser Hilaire is also a secret agent working for the eccentric Major Selby. Selby's deadliest rival is Lord Dulain, who runs his own intelligence department. Hilaire and Selby go to an airport hotel in search of one of Dulane's agents. Listen. Why? What's wrong? You can hear it. What is it? Hear it? Like something swinging underneath. And that's it moving, that's what it is. Look down there. Rope. Rope tied to the balcony. Something heavy swinging by the rope. Better get it up. Let me. Now. Here it comes. Got it? It's a suitcase. Let's get it into the bedroom. Here we are. Open it up. It isn't locked. Look at all this fancy dress. The Monsieur Bequer costume. So whoever was wearing it got back here, changed out of that fancy dress and vanished. And you never saw them? I was looking for someone off the Madrid play. Well, don't give me that excuse. Rupine. Shove that stuff back in the suitcase. Yes, I'll take it back to hq. May find some clues. I'll drop you at your salon first. Ah, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say. Well, you need to get out of that gear you're wearing. Into my pajamas. Pajamas? You're joking, of course. You'll get into a proper suit. Pajamas. Anybody think it was your bedtime? If it isn't, it ought to be. I'm tired out. Nonsense. We got masses of work ahead of us before we can think of a kip. Dangerous work. That'll make a change. Come on, let's get to the car. We've got to be moving. One or two pennies are beginning to drop. We keep the road ahead, don't we? Yeah, straight on to London. You see, Julian's dangling a bait waiting for me to bite. What bait? If I knew that, I'd know how to avoid getting hooked. But the picture's emerging. I'm glad to hear that. Well? Sorry. But that's funny. What? That kaffir. Remember it? Before, on our way to the airport. We had quite enough in our minds at the time. That car. The big ape from Lord Dulain. Strange girl in a mar. Look at that. What? That car outside the cafe. The big ape's car.

[B]

Yes. Look.

[A]

What? Behind you. A hand on my shoulder. Whose is it? We've got company. I thought I felt something. It's cold.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Someone in the back seat. It's the girl I saw in that car masked. The mask off. Oh. Oh, Here, let me. Oh. Zoe Bellamy. She's dead, all right. How did she get here? It's safe to assume it wasn't under her own steam. She was put there by that lot in the car. They dumped her deliberately while we were in the hotel. But why? Only they're due to get the surprise. Where you going? Back to the cafe. Pull up as near that car as I can without being seen. You nip out, take a look in the cafe and don't let anyone spot you. I won't. Here we are, right next to them in the shadow of this tree. Now watch it. Don't be seen. There's a window at the side I can look through. Okay, give me a minute. But if they make a move, whistle and come running. All right, shove off, then. Would you be looking for the way to the cafe, sir? Sorry if we startle you. Please, office it quite certainly at the door. Jonathan. Cup of coffee you want, sir? Yes, yes, I. I was thinking of having a cuppa. Strong and black. Then you're good. You alone, sir? Yes, yes. No, no. Well, that is my. My friend's in the car. O A car? Pressurizer, Sergeant. Definitely been on a bit of a party, sir. Party? That you're wearing under your coat. What? Oh. Oh, my fancy dress. I'd forgotten about it. Forgotten? Good time being had by all. And why not? Going on with a bit of fun. You driving past her? No, no. Driving the car yourself, sir. My friend is actually. Oh, I see. Or it'd be safe if she drove, eh? I don't recall mentioning that my friend was a lady. Yes, sir. Did you hear that? Plus yes, sir. He sa. She isn't a lady. Sure she is. Of course. Look, what's the idea? I was just about to get a cup of coffee. We're not stopping. You go ahead. We'll have a word with your friend. Yeah. It's all right. I'm not terribly thirsty. Have another word with me. Is.

[B]

Is there anything wrong?

[A]

Perhaps your friend will ever tell us that. Sir. Your friend who isn't a lady. Oh, I see. You think I'm drunk. Nothing further on my thoughts. But if we could see your friend's license, make sure everything's all right. Oh, he's not drunk either. He. I said he wasn't a lady. Oh, I see. The car's over. What's that for? Oh, just to let him know that I'm coming back, Major. Hello. Yes, it's me and a couple of police officers. Good evening, sir. What's the trouble? They. They just want to make sure you're not drunk and incapable. Is this your Carson? What sort of joke is this? May I see your driving license? Yeah. They thought I've been out of some drunken orgy. My fancy dress. Thank you, sir. Anything else? No, thanks, sir. You wouldn't happen to be got up in fancy dress yourselves? Very funny, sir. Not to inconvenience you. Or you, sir? Oh, not to worry. We all make mistakes. Not all of us. No, sir. Well, we'll be getting along. Oh, by the way. What is it, sir? Didn't happen to take a look at that car, did you? What about it? They drove up just as we arrived. Oh, yes, he's right. Just as we arrived, these three chaps got up, went into the cafe. Yes, they're still there. Well, sir, we noticed them shove something into the back of the car. Looked suspicious, we thought. Yes. Yes, we did. Suspicious. Oh, yes, I said to you, didn't I? Oh, yes, you did. Yes. I wonder if that's a load of loot they've knocked off. I said. Yes, and I said, you must be joking. I said. Well, I wasn't really serious anyway. Passed through my mind. I see, sir. Which car was it? Over there. Big black job. That one, sir. That's ours. Oh, is it? No, no, the one next to it. Well, good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Don't worry, T. We all make mistakes. Shut up. Well, what do you think of that, sir? Oh, I suppose you better take a look at that car. Yes, sir. Let's hope it isn't locked. When in luck, it isn't. Well, what's in there? Nothing, sir. Nothing. Freighter, sir. No. Stolen loot? No, not a thing.

[B]

Blast.

[A]

I thought we might be onto something. Me too, but two pins I check out of that pair. Ask them what their game was. Couple of comedians. Suppose they have a job to catch them up. Maybe, sir. All right, Drive onto that other cat. Very good. Maybe some villainy going on there. Come on. Good drive, Serge. Right. Let's.

[B]

Uh.

[A]

Yes, sir? What? Thought you tapped me on the shoulder. Me? Death of the blimey.

[B]

It's a hand.

[A]

What, sir? It's a hand. Somebody in the back.

[B]

Stop. Stop, Stop.

[A]

I'll get it. They put your nose past the office door.

[B]

It's busy.

[A]

Busy? Oh, yeah. We never had that coffee, did we? Yes. Is that Alice in Wonderland? Of course it's Alice. Who else do you think? Mad Hatter.

[B]

Here.

[A]

It's Madrid. Oh, Spain. I'm reading you mad hatter. What's the score? Are you through the looking glass? Yes, yes. Everything's scrambled, of course. Boris and carpenter both gone. White knight crossed the board. I don't believe it.

[B]

Jack.

[A]

What? Oh, mate. Oh, well, it all goes to show can't trust a living soul. You leave this to me. I'll keep the flag flying. Well, how do you like that? I don't know. Something happened. Bad news. Oh, sorry. You want to know what's happened? No. Joseph's right here. Here? When he arrived. No one seems to know. But he's here. I thought he was in Spain. Everything's gone up the spout in Madrid. You heard that phone call? Yes, Alice. The last remaining loyal member of me department. It'll cost him his life. And it wasn't any Spanish agent dressed up as mischievous. Who then? Search me. Oh. Well, where is Joseph now? That's the crunch. Julain's got him double crossed me in Madrid and negotiating with Moscow to hand him over. What are you going to do? I'm not going down fighting. Not me. I'm coming up fighting. You're going to get Joseph back. No, you are. Ah, well, that's all right. What, now?

[B]

I am.

[A]

It'll be easier than stealing candy from a baby. Yeah, I don't like candy. His lordship's got a place down by the river. Blackwood manor, near marlow. You know Marlow? Charming. Glad you like that. Because that's where you're going, you know. The Kingfisher inn? I seem to have heard of it. Good. You've booked a room for tonight. Have I? What am I going to do at Marlow tonight? Don't tell me Joseph's staying at the Kingfisher inn as well. No. Oh, but you'll make a contact there who will know where he's hiding out. Do you think he's lord Julaine's guest? Or his prisoner? Whichever way you slice it, Ghislaine's got him either down in Marlow or here in London. Oh. Who the devil's that?

[B]

Probably someone just come round from your ghastly foreign office, dear.

[A]

Fine time of night. They're not supposed to come here to the flat at all.

[B]

The way they treat you, you might be some office boy instead of lord Dulaine. I mean, after all. Oh, to answer it, dear, to wait for servants. I don't want them complaining.

[A]

I'll just put on my dressing gown. All right, all right. Now what is it? Oh, it's you. Sorry to disturb you, Lord Delaney. Well, you have, but. Come in, come in. I'll just reassure my wife. It's all right, my dear.

[B]

Who is it?

[A]

Someone from the office, Darling.

[B]

Is it warm or something?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Well. Very sorry to have woken up Lady Delaney, sir. Well, never mind. She's a bit edgy. Been rather an upsetting evening. Have a drink. No, thank you, sir. You mean the bomb going off at tonight's fancy dress party? Exactly. Of course, my wife doesn't know what's at the back of it. Oh, no, sir. And had to spin her some yarn. It's about the girl, sir. I thought it was rather urgent. What's happened? Well, we planted the body as instructed. Good, good. But it must have got well switched. Switched? You mean they switched it? Afraid so, sir. From their car to a police car. I'll fix that. Murderous. What police car? What's Sylvie up to now? All the pretty fast ones there. And unfortunately, the girl was still wearing Lady Dulane's fancy dress. As Mary Antoinette. Yes, I ever look that so. The police are asking questions. A Special Branch man called, sir, at the FO half an hour ago. In charge of investigating the bomb explosion. Did he, by Jove? Fortunately, I'd already got back to the office and was making out my report. Intripicate, sir. Quite, quite. And he explained how he'd received news of the discovery in the police car. He duly viewed the body and at once spotted the dress. Yes, sir. You managed to double talk him off the scent, I hope? Pretty sure I did. No risk of Lady Dulane being involved. All I said was, I don't want to hear all this lying and deceit confuses me. Very good. It's all in the report, sir. Oh, there is something I've been mulling over on my way here, sir. Well, is this hairdresser called himself Hilaire or some such name? What about the fellow? Well, isn't it about time he was seen off? I've built up a dossier on the man. Black dossier, sir. Come to think, you may have something. Hairdresser he may be, but no sissy. I recall he's hot stuff at this. Unarmed combat, judo, karate, sir. Granted, he's taught to kill. And he's a master of disguise. Dressing up as a woman. Like tonight in Lady Dulane's costume, sir. Well, if it hadn't been for Zoe Bellamy's tip off. Might have blown up my own wife, you mean bad show? Well, I don't know what Lady Dulane'll say. She swears by him still, there must be other hairdressers. How do we get rid of him? Major Selby should have heard from Madrid by now. As regards Joseph, you mean? Precisely, sir. Make him the bait. Why not, Lord Dulane? Not bad fishing to be had at Marlow. Matter of fact, I've caught quite a few there. The spot just below the weir. Yes, sir, I'm sure. Lure this hairdresser fellow to Marlow. You asleep, my dear?

[B]

Just a bar. Has he gone at last?

[A]

Yes. Now, what was it I was going to do?

[B]

Get to bed, I should think. You must be absolutely exhausted.

[A]

Oh, I know. Phone. Would you mind, darling, if I make a call?

[B]

I suppose not, dear. Why? It can't be left until the morning.

[A]

It can't, I'm afraid.

[B]

Is anything the matter?

[A]

Matter?

[B]

No one we know has toddled off behind the Iron Curtain again or anything.

[A]

No, dear.

[B]

Why, you look like you did the last time it happened, that's why.

[A]

Just a little matter in need of attention, that's all.

[B]

Who are you phoning?

[A]

That hairdresser chappie of yours, dear. I have heard you say how agreeable he is, Hilaire.

[B]

He's an utter darling. Whatever made you think of him? Oh, my wig being blown to bits.

[A]

Yes, but I mean. Darling, you could go to another one.

[B]

Another one? Good God. What are you saying? My own personal, private, precious hairdresser. And you talk about him as if he were.

[A]

Sorry, my dear. I didn't mean. Anyway, it isn't all that important.

[B]

Important, Darling? Are you out of your darling, tiny mind? Someone at the door again.

[A]

Really?

[B]

We could be living on Waterloo Station. Except they do play music now.

[A]

Is that the Kingfisher in? Sorry, dear. It'll be that chap from my office. Forgotten something?

[B]

I suppose you want me to let him in.

[A]

If you would, dear.

[B]

Never get any sleep. Oh, bright sense is so damned impatient. Expect me to come running. My husband is on the phone.

[A]

Oh, Lady Dulane.

[B]

Yes. Come in, will you?

[A]

Oh, thank you. Sorry to have disturbed you.

[B]

You've forgotten something, have you?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Oh, well, if you'll wait here. My husband won't be long.

[A]

I didn't think he'd be expecting this.

[B]

He thought you'd left something.

[A]

Oh, is it him, my dear?

[B]

Yes, dear.

[A]

He's just coming.

[B]

He's just coming.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

He's waiting for you, dear.

[A]

Thank you, dear. I've just been on the phone to Marlowe. What the devil? Good evening, Lord Julian. Major Sobey. But my wife says she took me for someone else. What oh yes. You and she haven't met. Bit indiscreet, don't you think? Showing up here, Sergeant? Well, before, when we've got together. It's been very hush hush. Let's see, last time, wasn't it A motor launch off Portsmouth Harbour? I was damned seasick. Forgot my pills. Oh, yes. Anyway, things are going off the rails a trifle. Not surprised, this damned Hilaire chappie. Well, fancy having a hairdresser on your payroll. Hardly the old tradition, you know. You run your show, I'll run mine. Sorry, didn't mean to criticize. The idea being that we continue to run our respective shows, take care of number one absolute priority every time. What else are we in this ghastly racket for? Jobs for the boys, old pal. Zach. I'm for it every time. Or we'll find ourselves taken over. MI5 can hardly wait. Or my lot. I. I wonder if the time has arrived when we might do a little deal. So long as this nit Hilaire doesn't latch on. Incidentally, that wig of his. Things went a bit haywire. What? Well, if you will fool around with mini bombs made up to look like tape recorders. Oh, I rather cared for that little wheeze. Not only the bomb, the girl and the car smash, Miss Neville. I thought that went off rather well too. That and the Spanish onion business. That wasn't 100% on the beam. Well, don't you always say never let your left hand know what your right hand's doing? Or is it vice versa? Do stop quoting me. Get an original thought of your own. Major, you go too far. An original thought? Me at the fo. Sorry, Mulane. Still not happy about the Bondo? Who did you mean it for? Oh, not Lady Julian, surely. Of course not that hairdresser fellow. But didn't you want him out of the way? Not until after we got the Yosef message. Oh, that old boy. Well, I. I've already taken care of that. But don't you see? We've got to keep this cloak and dagger stuff on the boil for the next couple of weeks and then I'm due for spot to leave. And where are you thinking of going? I know a little glitter. It's all right. I have a ready book. This hairdresser fellow who's gumming up the works. Well, surely between us we should be able to take care of him if we put our greasy cards on the table.

[B]

I really began to get the creeps in there. I know it was silly of me, but I couldn't help it.

[A]

We're both feeling a bit jumpy, darling. No wonder it was thinking.

[B]

I heard somebody at the front door, but there wasn't anyone. And then the phone started to ring and stop in the middle. So I thought, why not go? Come along here and wait up for you. Play the radio to stay away.

[A]

I'll run you back to your flat, Mother, before I head for Marlee.

[B]

Oh, when will you be back? And you're tying your tie all crooked. Why do you have to go rushing off to whatever the place is?

[A]

Marlow is on the river.

[B]

Don't Pauline get drowned.

[A]

I'll try not to look, darling. I'll tell you the full story when I get back.

[B]

What about the girl?

[A]

Caress?

[B]

You still believe you'll find her, don't you?

[A]

I just feel in my bones that she's alive. If I play along with the Major that crazy, then I'll find her.

[B]

You look out for trouble, darling. I will be so thankful when you are through with all this business.

[A]

Yes, well, let's get back to your flats.

[B]

I don't see why I can't sleep here tonight. What's left of it.

[A]

You'll be more comfortable in your own bed, you know you will.

[B]

Here's your suitcase. And you won't forget to phone me in the morning. Now.

[A]

You'll be all right, Mother. Oh, you. You left your door open.

[B]

Did I?

[A]

Careless of you, darling.

[B]

I was in rather an array.

[A]

Make sure you lock it after I've gone.

[B]

Will you stay for a cup of tea?

[A]

No, thanks.

[B]

I'm going to make myself.

[A]

No, I should be getting along. Mother, what is it? What is it, darling? What is it? Oh, look.

[B]

The Major. Who?

[A]

The. The Major.

[B]

He's dead.

[A]

What? Of course he's not dead.

[B]

He looks.

[A]

He's asleep.

[B]

Who said he could use my kitchen as a bedroom?

[A]

I'll wake him. Major. Major. I'll blast a hole in you big enough to put the Foreign Office in. What? Wake up. What? What? You. Oh, Madame Hilaire.

[B]

I feel a bit faint. Shocked seeing you like that. Thought you were dead.

[A]

Not the first time I've been taken for dead and turned out to be alive. Very much alive.

[B]

I think I'll lie down.

[A]

Yes, darling, you do that. I will.

[B]

You won't go without saying goodbye?

[A]

No, no, darling, no. I say. Sorry about that. Didn't mean to scare her. No, it's all right. She wasn't expecting you. Came as a bit of a surprise for me. Wanted to brief you about your trip to Marlow. One or two points, you should know something new. I saw you leaving Berkeley Square. Chased after you got here before you dropped off for a quiet kid. While I was waiting. Yes. Well, we'll have the lock fixed. Now, listen, I'll. Mm. What now? I warned you Durane was gunning for you, didn't I? I still can't think why. It isn't as if I've done anything wrong. He's definitely put you top of his list. Oh, I thought you ought to know. Thank you. So take off.

[B]

What?

[A]

To Marley, but fast. His hatchet men should be on the scene any minutes Here. But what I wanted to tell you this. Contacted Marlow, had the Kingfisher in. Yes. Wait till he gives you the signal. You said something about the Foreign Office in your dream. What? Yeah, you shouted it out. What you've got to worry about isn't any dream. It's for real. Sometimes I wonder which is which. Cut it out, will you? I'm building for the big payoff and I'm going to be laughing. I hope I'll see the joke. Well, you won't if you don't shove. I'm going. I don't want any grit in the world to your end. No, not the front door. What? The wrong slap into them, then through the window. Right home. Oh, what are you waiting for? You're only on the first floor. It's an easy drop. Get going here. But my mother. I'll explain. You had a train to catch or something. Now hurry. The police will lean in on the bell. Push. Any second you'll tell us. Yes, yes. We are not launching yourself into outer space. Get through the window here. All right. That's it. Okay? Yeah, I think so. Lower yourself, then let go. Go on like this. Now let go. Let go. Well, you can't hang there all night. Drop. I can't let go. You're. You'll have to make me. Kick me over the fingers. Will this milk body? No. You all right? I don't know. Oh, I didn't say kick that window in. Yeah, yeah, I think I see.

[B]

I'm all right.

[A]

Well, get to your car quick and step on it. Yes, and the best of British luck. Oh, saved yourself a big headache if you've broken your neck.

[B]

Elaine.

[A]

Oh, now the mother.

[B]

El.

[A]

Not to worry, madam. Hilaire. Everything under control. Just coming. Good evening, sir. Good evening. Can I help you? I booked a room. The name, please? Hilaire. Mr. Hilaire. Just let me see. Oh, yes. Room number five, first floor. Now that if you'd sign the register. Yes, anything that matters. Matter? No. You looked a little surprised. It was only that. Well, this name. Yes, sir. Someone I knew. Wasn't expecting to see it.

[B]

Name?

[A]

There. Oh, Caress Neville. But she couldn't be staying here. She's.

[B]

She's.

[A]

I'm sure there isn't anyone of that name staying at the hotel. Oh, there's some mistake. That must have been several weeks back. I see. Don't know how she got mixed up with recent guests. I hadn't noticed it. I suppose you don't have all that many visitors. I'll take you up to your room, sir. Thank you. This one? Suitcase? Yes. This way, sir. Yes, thank you. Very quiet little hotel. This is your room, sir. Hope you'll be comfortable. I'm sure I will be. As you say. It's very quiet here. The bathroom there, sir. Windows open onto a balcony. Overlooks the river. Very nice, very nice. How many people staying here? Oh, we're quite full, sir. Would you like anything else?

[B]

A drink?

[A]

A glass of milk or some tea? Oh, yes. Well, perhaps some tea and some biscuits. Yeah.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Very good, sir. Right away, sir. That seems comfortable enough. Now, take a look in the bathroom. That's all right. What about the balcony? Oh, it's nice to get a breath of fresh air. It's all very peaceful. Something like a cat. Somewhere along the balcony. Come in. Your teacher.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

Been having a look at the view, sir. Too dark to see much. Was a moon earlier on. Very nice evening. Should I pour your teaser? Yes, yes, please. Thank you. Milk? Thank you. By the way, I heard a cat out there. Oh, yes? A white one, I expect. Didn't see it. White cats are deaf, sir. Oh, really? That's what they say. Will that be all? Yes, thanks. Good night, sir. What about the morning? What, sir? I'd like a call at 8. Oh. Oh, good morning. Oh, of course you'll need to be called. Yeah, yeah. What about breakfast? And breakfast? Yeah. They bring you a menu, sir? Yeah, all right. Eight o'.

[B]

Clock.

[A]

Good night again, sir.

[B]

A good night.

[A]

Funny choice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Seem surprised. As though I wouldn't need waking or something. The cat. I wonder where it is. There you are. You are a white cat. Come on. Come on. Hello, then. Are you deaf? Caress. Caress.

[B]

Caress.

[A]

It was her. Come in. Wondered if there was anything you required, sir. What?

[B]

What?

[A]

Mr. Hilaire, sir? Who are you? Night porter. Two of you? Only me, sir. What do you mean? Just come on. But the one who was here when I arrived. Who, sir? The night porter. He just brought my tea. Look, look. That cat. Ted. Yeah. Knocked the cup over. Oh. White cat. Yes, it was outside on the balcony. Had a go at your tea, sir. Now, where's it got to? It's under the bed. Who? Oh, come on. I think it's ill. No, no, no. It's a white cast and it doesn't hear. You see? It's deaf. Not deaf, sir. No. It's dead. In episode seven of the House of Unspeakable Secrets, Hilaire was played by Leslie Phillips.