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Idiot's Weekly 5x-xx-xx England Loses the Ashes
00:27:49
Idiot's Weekly 5x-xx-xx England Loses the Ashes
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- [00:01]
Narrator
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Spike Milligan
This is the ABC. It's still the ABC Hall. The space between the two announcements was to allow the studio audience to cough. And if they listen in on Tuesday night, they can invite neighbors to come and hear them. And now, folks, here is a creature fair as light like Caesar's wife About sufficient easy swinging chick eyes no man I would like no man On a trail I found the other day Dig that crazy beat first hollow girls, I was with you again and the weather's getting warmer. Steady, steady Girl, girl, are you frustrated? Then get yourself an ice skull today. Remember, Ice Girl does not contain fanaticity, just rheumatism, arthritis and old bones. I say, look, I've never been so insane outed in my life. It's your own fault. You don't get around enough. And now, folks, here is a record of me saying, hello, folks. So this is Mr. Spike Milligan saying, hello, folks. That was John McLeod saying that. That was Spike Milligan saying, hello, folks. And that. It was John you had saying that. That was John McLoud saying that. That was Spike Milligan saying hello. And that was Al Thomas saying that. That was John Ewan saying that. That was John McClellan saying that. That was all that stuff. Hello. I suppose the ABCs do know what they're doing. We do it for the money. Yes, but money can't buy friends. No, but you get a better class of enemies. And now, folks, tonight's drama. Is there a Michael Eise on My House that might read the writing written on this written rotten rope? The scene is the House of Lords in England, the year 1958. A very important year for England said it looks really that was the voice of Lord Robert. Th was a very sick man. Yes, I was a sickening thug. It was the 3rd of August and I had just addressed the House of Lords. It arrived by the evening post just in time for me to make my maiden speak with my maid. My lord, my lads. My lord. I had news that is six feet deep. That sounds like grave news. It also sounds like a lousy joke. At 4:30 this afternoon there's a cross eye on north cricket on north cricket ground. Australia won the act. And worse still there were women and children present. Oh, good heavens, no. Oh, the poor duke. There are plenty more. Please. Queen Victoria has declared it a spirit day of mourning. The prime monster of the Antipode has sent this message of Australian condolence to us. Dear Lord fat we all join in with you. And you quite lost in the answer. Somehow I detected a note of insensibility. Look, are we the people world England going to take this lying time? Only during the hours of Dr. Have we any more Dow Jones. Gentlemen, this better be good. I will join. He's never done that before. How can we avenge this joy Old retreat I tell you. We must get the Duke of Norfolk and Gordon series to record tied my kangaroo dance part and then we get at the wall. That night on Tower Hill the English took their revenge. Yes, the neph Sir John Bradman was ched with center pods and burnt that Australia hitchback that night at the Royal Covenant Garden off the house to show her disdain Gladys monkey saying like this meantime of Scotland Yard of England and England yard of Wales and Welsh Yard of China. We're trying to find a reason for England's losing the test. I My name is Inspector Tom McGimstein and Sons Ltd. Now on the day England lost the AKI a man from the Ministry of Cricket was sent to my house. I. I was r When the phone rang. Yes, indeed I have the phone ring. Oh yes, more subtly the phone did ring. There was no doubt about it that the phone did ring. You know, and possibly I'm close to playing. I went signaling around it went. I placed the door on the ear and I made a mental note to fire the sound effects engineer. Hello. Speaking personally I've been right over to find out what you mean. Crossing the front of the piece of the strip arrived as John McCloud in his caviar voice who said Tom Stone coming to me. I want you to meet Chambers. Chambers? There's a hand to his name. Oh, and very I beg your pardon, Lord Chambers. The world's greatest forensic kind. A brain so refined it shines like a bright star in the furnace. Be some mistake night. Who are you? Herbert I. Fox. And what's the eye for? Oh, you're a private eye. Good. What's the last job? This is by the ceremony. Up to that I've been municipal rat texture. Caught 600. Oh, I heard you operate. It was too late to operate, mate. They're dead when I find it. Yes, I see you specialize in forced laughter. I. I want to fit inspector mctom this gentleman in his investigation. I've worked for the council for 38 years. Where? Where? Where? All about calories. What? Could I have one? Well, shall we say a pound a year? Pound a year. Agreed. Now off you go. Wait a minute. Inspector mccom ginstein and sounding had also supplied to lim to Australia and spark commenced by certain reasons indicated nature London staterooms the australians had occupied at the ywca. Look. Look. What's that under his bed? Oh, it's a squid. A space device? Yes. Oh, this is what? A cricket bowl. My. Well, the secret is I here this cricket ball. Sounds hollow. Yes, it does. You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to have a wee look inside. I can't everybody in. Yes, you are. Yeah. What? Them holes in the floor? Ah, they're not holes. Unle I thought they were. They are holes, but they're not holes. Are you mag? That's what they're saying. Oh. Suddenly there in the middle of the cricket ball the inspector saw a boomerang. There. Hear that? There in the middle of the cricket ball I suddenly seen a boomerang. Now he has seen the last time Daffy. Suddenly the inspector realized what he'd meant. You hear that? Probably. I've realized what it meant. Good job I came along in it. The boomerang. That boomerang was the reason for the balls always returning to the bowler's hand. What would you say, madam? I say that that's the reason for the ball return to the ball of hand. White Inspector, we've got to report this cricket ball to the NCC until the duke of norfolk. Meantime, Australia was taking precautions on the cricket situation. The war office in sunny Sydney. Good morning. My name is colonel James Whittle. We have met here to decide where to hide the ashes for safety we are all great australian treasures are kept under a biscuit being replaced on a Saturday night. So I've discovered. Gentlemen, I intend to send the asses to this part of the w. I'll say that there again. The WMARA rocket range. That's a danger area. Worse for you, it is a dangerous area. Therefore, I'm asking for one brave volunteer. Very well, gentlemen. One brave singer. All right, one trip cowardly volunteer. That just leaves me. Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Oh, I might have been over. They must have learned the war. What's your name? I'm Colonel James Riddle. Daniel D.C. d.S. So empty. Okay, there's no. Are you mad what they say? Now just sign your name on this form saying you're volunteering for certain death. What? Wait a minute, I can't write. Well, just put an extra. Meantime, in England the Australian secret service had called our something important. This is the general overseas service of the BBC. Last night a2 march or silence broken the Scotland Yard during a policeman's tea party from under the very nose of the inspector they served a ticket for. People are therefore warned not to construct picket balls under their nose. The Australians have station a high powered kangaroo. If your job at a healthcare facility.
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Spike Milligan
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Spike Milligan
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Spike Milligan
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Spike Milligan
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Spike Milligan
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Spike Milligan
Void where prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply. The British naval will send the submarine sur Bring the asses back to Captain Captain, what's our position? Well, 30ft down and crossing the great Australian bar which is not welcome as bomb. Right? Remember to not stand there again. Now come and have a look at this number one. I've been very yet. Come and have a look at this number one. All right. Human echo six and seven eight. The idiot hung his hand over the periscope again. Thank you s. Thank you. 1l2s I think this 1l for me now settle open field orders they appear to be very very secret. Why sir? Well, you know that little transparent window with the address in? Yes, but it's got the blinds gone. Yes, it's my my turn to open them. Yes, yes, it was your turn to steer yesterday. Listen prospect man be burying the ashes in Woburn desert gulab the ending passing spotting at all cost. Australian warship passing a stand let us go. What's the name on her sonnet? Oh, senator for L. Yes. Double arrow again. Another error. Let's see. Oh, do we need There's a portal. No Melbourne ahead. Melbourne? What's today? Sunday. That's off for the day. It'll go well and known. Stand by ready for as you go ashore. You don't forget men, we've got to get these ashes back dead or alive. Meantime, volunteer Echols and Greek Tom are preparing for their mission. Are you ready? Yep. Hey, what are you bringing at the flower potter for? Why I I got hurt in it. I'm a landowner now. All the land in that pot is mine. I duck it out of French's forest at valuable land. All right, that's a good boy but tell me some what are you going to grow? Huh? Grow. This is valuable building learn. All right, all right. Well what are you going to build? Well. Oh, my hand up holly smoke a bush ranger in 1962 that's all this television we've been having you from Whitlash you're grieving human cinnamongla oh, the age of kings. No offense men Marcus, now don't try anything funny but this audience hey, you agree come hand over that biscuit jin over a mile taste of his dead body with the chin There you are. No hard feelings Ned, right now take this picture right Take it. Point it at your head right now if you make one false move after gone pull the trigger. Okay, you got the dropping me how do you go? I thought you were dead. No, no no. I was on a bluffing oh, you better have your wallet back then here why you shoot yourself for? I made a false move and I made a promise. Well, I think it's the finest movie you'll ever make what echoes his partners don't know is they are just decoys he we don't know that we don't know. The location of the real exit however is revealed by Mr. He's revealed by Mr. Hefin in the Horse of Representatives at 2 to 1 I have been asked to tell you the reason real location of the arson they have been secreted in pharmacy Mike the lady was Very foresighted in fact. So foresighted she got into her grandfather's cot to make a phone call and he says he must be a very determined woman. Oh, why he got through. It must have been earned. There. Oh. Meantime the British marine commander landed are now rapidly closing in on Eccles and his escort from all directions. Okay enough to give them a pottery. Now then we have camp here for the night gentlemen. Put tents up for the men and erected three stories Georgian manor for me. Nothing pretentious. Well then how are the water supplies going? Damn. No, nothing. There's an a bo. A gynega wants to speak here. Male or female? I can't tell. Haven't got any clothes. Well, we'll turn our backs in case it's a man. Steady now. We know what you like. Steady men. Steady. You'll all get your promotion. Come forward. A borrow giant of no big sex. You make em speak Em tell em he's make a long fellow speak. A long story. Good morning. I come from the arid desert. As soon as we heard him speak we realized one thing. We should have hired an extra. Get it on my salary? This is some performance. No? I've been sent here by the chief of the Hanker tribe. I see. He's a handkerchief. What a blow for you. We have discovered two white men dying of thirst in the desert. One was dead. The ashes. Pave the ashes. For myself I would have said water. Water must be most sensing we. When I was a boy did you say the ashes? Captain Fl take a detachment of two legged men followed by Isil and his arrow impressions and head for the payoff on page 13, line 3. Hurry meantime, and I mean that much. Australian scientists were working on an Ashes locating machine. That's right. Now gentlemen, that's fine. I been sent here by the Hindu commission to demonstrate you the possibilities of the asset being specially magnetized with atomic particles like these. Now these particles here I have magnetized and atomized. See what I throw them off an ASO you see that Mr. Jones? Go and scrape those atoms off the ceiling. Right. Smith, go and scrape Mr. Jones of the ceiling. Now Mr. Boom, will you switch on the radar screen please? Channel 7. At midnight, three Australian Secret Service agents knock on Madame X's door. Well I thought they knocked in the door to keep Madam X under observation. We had the outsides of her windows clean so we could see in. And left the inside dirty so she couldn't see out. Hey, what are those things outside that I can't see inside? Outside doing inside out my window. We have police officers. Oh, hello boy. Excuse me, but at this stage. May I interrupt program? By all means. Owing to the absence of Mr. Rick Hutton, there's been a mal. Distribution of lines among the artists sharing. I'll just go through the scoreboard for you. For instance, Mr. L. Thomas has only had 13 lines, the last line of which was we are police officer. Now, both mess of John y. And John McLeod have had in excess of 42 lines each. Look, Isaiah boy, this is going to be rather lengthy, so thank you very much. That's jolly good. I myself have only had approximately 23 lines which is well below my norm of 38. I like to mention at this stage that high tide at port Jackson is at 4:32 and Whiting biting of a spit. As there are only four pages of dialogue, we're going to distribute the lines in quantity rather than quality. That is, several of the cast might deliver the same lines at the same time. Do you understand what I think? That's all about all I need to say. What do you unemployed actor at once. Just a minute, madam. My name is inspector Bertram I Lynn. The eye is silent as is looking. My name is madam Bannister. But the lady. Thanks for 5 and 13,000 trousers. Madam, are you the owner of well known corpus number 4238 46? Yes, they are a present for my husband in memory of 3626 38. There are the four to three questions. Sir. Sir, Madam, for you, at your age doesn't. What's the address of the phone? Br. The address is Street. Street. Street. Street. Well, that's another name. The full title is Street Street. But the lava is silent as in wardrobe. That's in Chinatown. Quick door. We are police officers and I must warn you, anything you say will be taken down and used in the Bob Rogers show. Finally, after friendly persuasion, gentle talk and a four hour bashing with an iron bar, the chinaman gave up the garment and the ghost with trembling hands. With trembling hands he tore them open. No, they're ashes. Steady. Right. Hold out your hands. Okay. Don't worry, I'll pour them out, you idiot. And that's how Australia lost the ass. You've been listening to the idiot weekly, an ABC radio type publication with Jim G. The ABC dance band and the voice of the lyric soprano, Patricia Ridgebow. Reporters were Michael Eisel, John Ewart, Paul Westman and Al Thomas. Their destiny guided by idiot in chief Spike Milligan, who also wrote the copy. Wielding the blue pencil, Our producer John McLeod. Effect. John McGrath and Jim McLeod Control Operators Sid Butterworth and Dale 30 Special Music Neil Thurgate and Arthur Peter Young. We'll be going to press at the same time next week with the interview, so make sure of your copy now by posting Roll with your news agent. Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse with family. Cannolis and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the godfather@champacasino.com test your luck in the shadowy world of the Godfather slot. Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the godfather now@chambaccasino.com welcome to to the Family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void we're prohibited by law. 21 plus terms and conditions apply. Your next unforgettable experience can happen anytime.
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Narrator
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Spike Milligan
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