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Harold's Old Time Radio
Idiot's Weekly - England Loses the Ashes
00:27:49
Idiot's Weekly - England Loses the Ashes
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Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.
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Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Give us. Give us breath. This is the abc. It's still the ABC Hall. The space between the two announcements was to allow the studio audience to cough. And if they listen in on Tuesday night, they can invite neighbors to come and hear them. And now, folks, here is a creature fair as light, like Caesar's wife. Abruption easy swinging chick eyes. No man, I would like to tell to you on the trail I found the other day Dig that crazy beat. First hollow. Girls, I was with you again and the weather's getting warmer. Steady, steady, girls, girls, are you frustrated? Then get yourself an icel today. Remember, EISOL does not contain fanaticity. Just rheumatism, arthritis and old bones. I say, look, I've never been so insulted in my life. It's your own fault. You don't get around enough. And now, folks, here is a record of me saying, oh, That's just Mr. Spike Milligan saying, hello, folks. That was John McLard saying that. That was Spike Milligan saying, hello, folks. And it was John you saying that. That was John McLoud saying that. That was Spike Milligan saying, hello F. And that was Al Thomas saying that. That was John you saying that. That was John McLaren saying that. That was Sean and all that stuff. Hello. I suppose the ABC do know what they're doing. We do it for the money. Yes, but money can't buy friends. No, but you get a better class of enemies. And now, folks, tonight's drama. Is there a Michael Eins on the house? Stop. Right. Read the writing written on this written rotten rope. The scene is the House of Lords in England. The year 1958. A very important year for England. Better looks silly with olive. That was the voice of Lord Robert. Th was a very sick man. Yes, I was. A sickening thud. It was the 3rd of August, and I had just addressed the house of Lord. It arrived by the Evening Post just in time for me to make my maiden speech with my maid. I had news that is six feet deep. That sounds like grave news. It also sounds like a lousy joke. At 4:30 this afternoon as a crow flying on Lord's cricket ground. Australia won the abbe. And worse still there were women and children present. Oh, the poor duke. There are plenty more. Please. Queen Victoria has declared it a serious day of mourning. The prime monster of the Antipode has sent this message of Australian condolence to us. Real old fat. We all join it with you. In your great loss of the answers. Somehow I just texted a note of insincerity. Look, I'll read a piece of the world. England going to Texas lying down. Only during the hours of Dr. Have we any more dow girls. Gentlemen. This better be good. I was going. Yes. Oh, dead rain. He's never done that before. How could we avenge this joy old truth? I'll tell you. We must get the Duke of Norfolk and Gordon Siri to record time my kangaroo dance part. And then we get up the wal. That night on Tower Hill the English took their revenge. Yes, an effigy of Sir John Bradman was choked with center pods and burnt. That Australia hit back that night at the Royal Ton garden off the house to show her disdain. Gladys Montreal be saying like this. Meantime Scotland Yard of England and England Yard of Wales and Welsh Yard of China. We're trying to find a reason for England's losing the test. Aye, my Mrs. Victor Tom McGimstein and Sons Ltd. Now on the day England lost the Akis a man from the Ministry of Cricket was sent to my house. Inspector Thompson it. I was rich. And the phone rang. Yes, indeed. I heard the phone ring. Oh yes, more subtly the phone did ring. Aye aye. There was no doubt about it that the phone did ring, you know. And possibly close the praying I went signaling along it went. I placed the door on the ear and I made a mental note to fire the sound effects engineer. Hello. Speaking personally I over to find out what you mean Hing only to turn the page of the script arrived as John McLeod in his CA radio voice and said I want you to meet Chambers. Chambers? There's a hand to his name. Oh. And so I beg your pardon, Lord Chambers. The world's greatest forensic science. A brain so refined it shines like a bright star in the province. There must be some mistake like. Who are you? I'm Herbert I. Fox. And what's the eye for? Oh, all that. You're a private eye. Good. What's the last job? This is by the ceremony up to date. I've been municipal rat catcher. Caught. Caught 600 in the traps in a few times. Oh, where do you operate? Too late to operate, mate. They're dead when I find it. Yes, I see you specialize in forced laughter. I. I want to fit Inspector McTom this in his investigation. Look, look, sir, I've worked for the council for 38 years. Where, where? Where? All about calories. What? And I have one. Well, shall we say a pound a year? Pound a year. Agreed. Now off you go. Wait a minute. Inspector. On the Tom ginstein and sound limited also surprised the limits. Australia and spot commenced by 13 recently vacated London staterooms the Australians had occupied.
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At the ywca, Liberty mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better too.
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Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.
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Oh, it's a cricket ball. A space device. Yes. Oh. Is this what a cricket ball looks like? Well, the secret is out. This trigger all sounds hollow. Yes, it does. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a. We look inside. Everybody in? Yes you are, mate. Here. What's them holes in the floor? Ah, there kn. I thought they were. They are holes, but they're not holes. Yes. Are you mad? That's what they're saying. Oh. Suddenly there in the middle of the cricket ball, the inspector saw a boomerang. There. You hear that? There in the middle of the cricket ball, I suddenly seen a boomerang. The key of sea the was time g. Suddenly the inspector realized what he named. You hear that? Suddenly I've realized what it meant. Good job I came along in it. The boomerang. That boomerang was the reason for the balls. All who's coming to the bowler's hand. What would you say, madam? I say that that's the reason for the ball returning to the bowler. Time. Right, Inspector, we've got to report this cricket ball to the NCC and tell the Duke of Norfolk. Meantime, Australia was taking precautions on the trigger situation. The War Office in sunny Sydney. My name is Colonel James Whittle. We have met here to decide where to hide the asses for safety. How are the asses, Captain? We are all great Australian sages are kept unto bed in a biscuit sin. A dangerous place in a Saturday know. So I've discovered. Gentlemen, I intend to send the asses to this part of the W. Water. Water plane. I'll say that. There again the W. Rocket rail. That's a danger area. Worse for you it is a dangerous area. Therefore, I'm asking for one brave volunteer. Very well. Very well, gentlemen. One brave singer. All right. One cowardly volunteer. Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Oh, I might have been another. They must have learned the war e. What's your name? I'm colonel james riddle. Gammy dc dsom. Okay. There's no e. Are you mad? What those things? Now just sign your name on this form saying you're volunteering for certain deaths. Wait a minute. I can't write. Well, just put an extra. Meantime, in England the Australian secret service has pulled out something important. This is the general overseas service of the BBC. Last night a two masked or silent broke into Scotland Yard during a policeman's tea party from under the very nose of the inspector. They serve a cricket ball. People are therefore warned not to keep cricket balls under their noses. The Australians have stationed a high powered kangaroo. It is reported that as a result reprisal the British navy will send the submarine sur to try and bring the acid back to Captain. Captain, what's our position? Oh, I heard he be down and crossing the great Australian bar which is not welcome as. Oh, stand there again. Oh, come and have a look at this number one. I got. Come and have a look at this number one. All right. The idiot hung his head over the periscope again. Thank you, Cel. Thank you. One L or two, sir? I think just one L for me. How now settle open field orders. They appear to be very very secret. Why, sir? Well, you know that little transparent window with the address in? Yes, but it's got the blind go. Is it my my turn to open them? Yes, yes, it was your turn to steer yesterday. Listen, prospect man believed to be burying the ashes in war desert. Good landing party to spot at all cost. Australian warship passing a st. Hello, Bob. Brothers. Yes, sir. What's the name on her? Sorry, I'll sell it for it. Oh yes. Double again. Another error. Let's see. Oh, it's there. You idiot. There's a porthole. Melbourne ahead. Melbourne what? Today? Send me. That's off for the day. It'll go with another one. Standby rating 40 de Gorso. Don't forget men, we've got to get these ashes back, dead or alive. Meantime, volunteer Echols and Greek Tom are preparing for their mission. Yep. Hello. Yep. Are you ready? Yep. Hey, what are you bringing at the flower pot for? Why, I. I got hurt in it. I'm a landowner now. All the land in that pot is mine. I duck it out of French's forest at valley for landmarks. All right, that's a good boy. But tell me something. What are you going to grow? Huh? Grow fish. Invaluable building. Learn. All right, all right. Well, what are you going to build? Well. Oh, my hand of Holly S.M. a bush ranger in 1962. That's all this television. We've been having you from Whitlash. Great. Even cinnamon. Oh, the age of kings. No offense. Now don't try anything funny for disorders. Hey, you agreed to him hand over that biscuit tin over a mile. That takes the party step over his damn body with the kid. There you are. No hard feelings head. Right. No. Take it sitter. Right. Take it point of it. Right. Now if you make one false move after gone, right, Pull the trigger. Okay, you got the drop in me. How do you go? I thought you were dead. No, no, no. I was on a bluffing. Oh, you better have your wallet back then. Here. Why you shoot yourself for? I made a false move and I made a promise. Well, I think it's the finest move you ever made. What record news partners don't know is they are just decoys. He we don't know that. We don't know. The location of the real axis however is revealed by Mr. He revealed by Mr. Heffern in the horse of representatives of two to one. I have been asked to tell you the real location of the arson. They have been secreted in pharmacy. The lady was very foresighted in fact so so sight of he got into a grandfather's cock to make a phone call and he says he must be a very determined woman. Oh, he got through. It must have been Andrea. Meantime, the British marine command of landed are now rapidly closing in on Eccles and his escort from all directions. From the hill. I see. I have to give them a ptery now then we have camp here for the night. Gentlemen. Put tents up for the men and erect a tree store in Georgian manner for me. Nothing pretentious. Well then, how are the water supplies going? Damn. No, nothing there now. I bought a gnat at once to speak here. Male or female? I can't tell. Have we got the clothes? Well, we'll turn our backs in case it's a man. Steady now. We know what you like. Steady men, steady. You'll all get your promotion. Come forward. A bone of no picture sex. You make him speak them. Tell him he's make along fellow speak along story. Good morning. I come from the arid desert. As soon as we had him speak, we realized one thing. We should have hired an actor. Steady. On my salary. This is some performance. Right now I being sent here by the thief of the Hanker tribe. I see. He's a hanker thief. What a blow for you. We have discovered two white men dying of thirst in the desert. And one was dead. The ashes. For myself, I would have said water. Water must be most painting wetter swath when I was a boy. Did you say the ashes? Captain Plum, take a detachment of two legged men followed by Eisen and his other impressions and head for the payoff on page 13, line three. Meantime, and I mean that most Australian scientists were working on an Ashes location society. That's right. Now steady. Steady. Gentlemen. Gentlemen. That's fine. I been sent here by the Hindu commission to demonstrate to you the possibilities of the Ashes being specially magnetized with atomic particles like these. Now these particles here I have magnetized and atomized. See what I throw them off in? Aso. You see that Mr. Jones? Go and scrape those out from Dr. Ken. Miss. Go and scrape Mr. Jones of the ceiling. Now, Mr. Boom, will you switch on the radar screen please? Camel 7. At midnight, three Australian Secret service agents knock on Madame X's door. Well, I thought they're not in the door. To keep Madame X under observation, we had the outsides of her windows cleaned so we could see in. And left the inside dirty so she couldn't see out. Hey, what are those things outside that I can't see inside? Outside being inside out my window. We have police officers. Oh, hello boy. Excuse me, but at this stage. May I interrupt the program? By all means. Of the absence of Mr. Rick Hutton, there's been a mal distribution of lines among the artists clearing. I'll just go through the scoreboard for you. For instance, Mr. L. Thomas has only had 13 lines the last line of which was we are police officers. Now, both methods. John ewet and John McLeod have had in excess of 42 lines each. Look, I say. Oh boy, this is going to be rather lengthy. So. I myself have only had approximately 23 lines which is well below my norm of 38. I'd like like to mention at this stage, but high tide at Port Jackson is at 4:32 and. And Whiting a biting of the spit. As there are only four pages of dialogue left, we're going to distribute the lines in quantity rather than quality. That is several of the cast might deliver the same line at the same time. Do you understand what I think? That's all about all I need any. What do you unemployed actor wants? L. Just a minute. Madam, my name is Inspector Bertram I lim. The eye is silent as in looking. My name is Madam Banister. But the legs are silent as in trousers. Madam, are you the owner of well known corpus number 423846 AL? Yes. Refreshing from my husband in memory of. 36. 2636. Where are the four to three questions? Sir, sir, Madam, to you at your age it doesn't really matter. What's the address of the phone ring? The address is Speak Street. Speak Street? Well, that's another name. The full title is Speak. Speak. Speak. But the lover is silent as in wardrobe. That's in Chinatown. Quick, door. We are police officers and I must warn you, anything you say will be taken down and used in the Bob Rogers show. Finally, after friendly persuasion, some gentle talk and a four hour bashing with an iron bar, the Chinaman gave up the garment and the ghost with trembling hands. With trembling hands he tore them open. Look, the ashes. Steady now. Right, hold out your hand. Okay, don't worry, I'll pour them out, You idiot. And that's how Australia lost the ashes. You've been listening to the Idiot Weekly, an ABC radio type publication with Jim Gartley, the ABC Dance band and the voice of lyric soprano Patricia Ridgeway. Reporters were Michael Eisel, John Ewart, Paul Westman and Al Thomas. Their destiny guided by idiot in chief Spike Milligan, who also wrote the copy. Wielding the blue pencil, our producer John McLeod Vex, John McGrath and Jim McLaren. Control Operators ADV wore 30 special music Neil Sergate announce Peter Young. We'll be going to press the same time next week with Beauty Weekly, so make sure of your copy. Now, let's hope you're over with your new patron.
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Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father. Father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.