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Idiot's Weekly - The Flying Dustbins
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Idiot's Weekly - The Flying Dustbins
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Ragged abbot with a body mark. This way up. You're insulting the body I love. Wait a minute. I don't know what that ragged face. Careful, it's a sorry with the beyond the paint on top. It's John Ewart. He's getting at me. Oh, don't cry, John. There's a. There's a drought on. Now forward John. Go MacLeod with one of his numerous character voices of words. This is the voice of Hermonic case sponsor. Yes, it is. 40 year old electrician. What a shock. Now then, read on. Homology's day sponsor. 40 year old electricians. It's question time in sunny Sydney. This week our despite answers arrowing questions with arrowing answers. Number one. Dear Auntie Milligan, I'm a middle aged woman up. There's no future in it. Next customer, please. Is it true that bad eyesight can cause you to lose teeth? Bad eyes can cause lots of teeth. Here is a Sydney dentist for Crystal Fi. Yes, bad eyesight can cause serious teeth losses. A man came to me suffering from severe toothache and I was forced to remove 18 teeth before the pain subsided. This would never have happened had I had good eyesight. Next question. Quad, you dog. Yes, I am very worried about my son. Whether past the year he's been at the bottom of the class. At the bottom, eh? Well, don't worry. The teach the same at both ends. Dear Auntie Milligan, I am a man. You're going to fool me. Look, I saw you Getting it for Madam Butterfly, you devil in white. Is that. I like butterflies. Yeah, I see. I'm a man of 21. I'm desperate. Well, Foggus number I want to know what's the best cure for baldness? Hair. Lots of hair. Now, I do read the prologue on this lot of old rubbish here. Hey, hey, Hop. Yep. Tonight, the ABC presents the story of the unempty dustbins of old Australia. Don't you think about this, folks. At first, no one noticed it. Then one day me and a missus had a letter from a friend. Dear Harry and Gladys, no offense, but when the wind's in our direction, we can't stand the smell of your dustbins. I didn't think they smelled much. They must do. This letter's from New Zealand. Coarse, Coarse truth. I'll get my MP to bring this up in the Alps. Hey. Malaria. House of Representatives. Mr. Speaker. Better now. Mr. Speaker, the brown apparel matter. I have here three postcards. From what country? I can't read without my several letters. Sumptuous. And 52 parcels of rubbish from angry constituents in my area. I'll read one parcel to you, dear Sir. Signed Ernie o'. Day. I have heard that the rubbish in the outback is now 7,000ft high. It's so big the Chinese want to colonize it. It's true. China needs space. I tell ye, there's nearly 600 million Chinese. Well, they've only got themselves to blame and a few Australian stones. What? This will mean a by election. Never mind that. Never mind that. What's going to happen to rubbish in the outback? Good. Gentlemen, we have flying doctors in the outback. I suggest a Flying Dutchman service. You know I did. Wait a minute. Easy. If we took it up there, wouldn't it? Soon an advert appears and the Patonga Blur wanted X Air Force pilots to become flying dustman or ex dustman to become flying pilot. Good physicue, must be over 3 inches tall, no sense of smell and a good eye for rubbish. That sounds like me, folks. I'm under six foot. I'll dig myself out in the forest. And who are you, shall we say, your mysterious prince? Are you mad? That's what they say. And so a mysterious stranger applied for the job. I know. Come in, mysterious stranger. I was too soon. I'll say it again, come in. I was too soon, mate. That's when I should have come in. So, mysterious stranger, you want to be a pine dustman? That's what I'll show you. Can you fly? Fly? I'VE only just learned to walk. Walk? How old are you? Don't you know my mind that it's indiscreet to ask a lady's work? Well, you're not a woman. No, we learn something new every day. Anyh, when were you born? Thursday. Which Thursday? You mean there's more than one? Of course there's one a week. Twirlet was one of them. Never mind. And so recruits rolled in many you, Australians, French, Germans. Soon they were being trained to become Australia's first flying dustmen. Now, let's start very carefully. Now he tells me. Now I want you to take a good look at this. Now this, this here, this here thing with the 50 foot long wings is an airplane. And this, this, this here is a dust bin. There. That all right? That all right, mister? Hey mister, could we have that age? Yes, thanks. The matter? This here with the 50 foot long wings is an aeroplane. And this is a dust bit bear. Okay, now who'd like to try first? Me, me, me. Here I go. Now then, this is a dust. And this is an aeroplane. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not quite. That's very warm. It is warm. Can I try again? Yes, I'd like you to try again. Okay then this is an airplane and this is a dust wind. That's right. It only took two rows. All right. Anybody else greet Jim that I'd like a try. All right, all right. Okay, this is an aeroplane. And this is the dust bin. No, that's Eccles. Oh, Eccles. Now just remember Eccles is the one with the clothes on. Oh, if I take my clothes off, would that be easier? Oh, no. Soon the flying dustman had passed and taken their A license. I got a B license. What for? I keep free. Ow. Don't hit me. Let's device it to a two way. Radio control. Hello, ground control calling B4. Calling V4. Calling V4. What, what's that? Calling B. Hello? Hello before. Hello? Why didn't you answer me before? Because I didn't hear you before. Can you give us your exact position? Over. I'm lying on my back with my hands behind my head. Why? I'm home in bed. Well, get down to the air and drive. There's an emergency. Oh, just been called from Mariproy on Arthur Ensign's property. Will set fire to his stock and set off hot foot for mascot. Ar Mascot. I better write that down. How do you spell M E? M E, M, M. Then A for the line across. Yes. Oh yeah, that's Right. Yes. Oh, S. That's like a snake. Venomous or nonvenomous. Oh, map of opinion Death C. What's the C like? Pretty cold at this time of the year. Oh yes. This is the new cool laughing eyes called the mature. Every finish, please. Yeah, I got that here again. Oh, that's funny. What's the tree like in my. Pretty cold. I'll try that on. Greek Tom Jim. Wow. Hello, Greek tomb. What do you spell mascot? Mastercott. M A, S, K O, T. Why? Because it's pretty cold at this time of the year. There's something wrong there. Lexi good. Yes, mate, we are on the loop. Mascot Aerodome. I'll hang on to the differential. Hur. Don't you charge me for that. I'm not giving him M. Can't we go any faster? Why? Well, that block F in white down lines down the road. He's fast as. Not my fault. Driver. Yeah, mate? How do you spell mascot? Mascot. Why? Because it's pretty cold in east over the year. I'll get it right soon. I'll get it. I'll get it. Echoes from the crew of the flying Gustman are airborne. And fortunately for them, so is the plane. That chicken's flying pretty high. Echoes, Greek Jim. Wherever the Pacific. Oh. Stand by to dump the rubbish bin. You let him do it first. Okay. All right now. One, two, A three. There. That's so pretty good. I've thrown out of my first ruby. You know, Heckles. Heckles. Heckle. Heck. Heckles. Heck with somebody. Heckles. I must remember Heckles is the one with the clothes on. Meantime, ES is hurting downwards and gathering speed. He doesn't seem to be enjoying it at all. Far below, idling on the calm sea. On board the grateful sir, Frank Packer is smoking. He's smoking a hundred guinea. No. When a creature hits the deck at a thousand miles per hour. Oh, Damn it. Wait a minute. You're not that twine mothbacker. Oh, I roll my own backer. Where did you come from? I've just been thrown out of an airplane. Sounds like good sense to me. Here, how do you spell mascot? Get off my ship, you ragged idiot. No, no, that's not the way it's. Get up. Get up. My ship. I can't swim. Even better. Get off. Look. Hello. Look, Frank. Frank. Let me p. Let me syndicate. P. Let's send a few telegrams to the royal stubborn. Not. Look here. S. Can I have to think about it till tomorrow. No, today. Tomorrow. Today. Tomorrow. Today. Today. Tomorrow. Okay then tomorrow. That's Better. Meantime, steaming hairy twit. You see that sea? Yeah, but it's different from the sea in Mascot. Good. I want you to dive in and see if that sea is colder than the sea in Mascot. Go on, off you go. No you don't. You've moved that mast too often. You'll lose the America cup and the America Saucer as well. Right now listeners, this week's puzzle question. That's Flash. Was that Echo's diving into the sea voluntarily or was he pushed in? Neither. I pushed him in. So we leave Sir Frank Packer clinging to his wallet in the well known Pacific Ocean. An ideal moment for a song from Ms. Patricia R. Brings in the money, folks. But what are the dustbins of all Australia? On this problem? A representative of UNESCO quizzed the prime monster of Australia. Mr. Menzies. My name is Demonides K. Thunk. We have been hearing a lot of your seeming dust bins. Well, we're kind of getting it under control. Like some badly affected areas have to wear clothes, things like. Don't they, Bert? Yes, yes, yes, it's pretty bad around here. It's horrible. What do you. What do you do with all this rubbish? All this rubbish? Oh, well, we the rubbish. Like. Well, we dump it. Dump it into the Pacific Ocean, eh? What are you mad? Throwing rubbish away? Don't you realize there are underprivileged countries? Yeah, here. I know. We're one of them. In outer Pongo land, poor natives are ashamed of themselves. While the rich neighbors have just been fooled. There's an empty. They walk down the street and people whistle. That's Mrs. Jones. That's her fifth week without rubbish. Say, I know. And I keep telling Patty she's lucky. From now on you must save your rubbish for export to poor countries. And so Australian rubbish was carefully placed into handy size containers and exported to the poor countries of Asia. Oh yes, indeed. We the poor countries of Bu. Like we're very, very grateful to the horse religion for sending us all their lovely old rubbish. Now we too can lift up our heads and say, like the white people say. Australian Dutch fins were flying all. All over the world. All the world. On the stock exchange the price of rubbish went sky high. Rubbish was on sale everywhere. The country was stinking rich. Then. Then came the blow. But it went Japan start to flood market with the cheap plastic of R. Rubbish was cheaper. On top of that it had handsome imitation Vinex flies. Well, some Sydney women preferred it. Yes, well, my rubber we didn't. We must have get away from you. Yes, well, My rubbish has never looked better. They give away genuine Mickey Mozo artificial pearls with every old fishbone. Dear, dear, dear. We in Australia had to face it. If the women go on buying naughty jap rubbish, Australian rubbish is going to lose its value. And that means another recession. The third this week. I had two in the bath this morning. It was hell. The crime monster put a tariff wall up 60 foot high. But the Japs both stood to one side and sang. So customs gunboats were gunboats were told to stop the smuggling ring that is operating with illegal cap. So captain Eisel r n set to see in the kili city. Yes, you and I was most frightful for there I was standing by the key reading a posto and some blasted kid rang the bell and crashed straight into the wall. However, cast off w them all. Cast the motion off. What now? Good. Pull up the main sail, put all top mizzen sails out and the senica sail off. That'll be difficult. Why, Daniel steamship. Damn your eyes above your lover. I'll help you steal hold of the yarn army giblets scattered before the marsh head. This is the new mean I talk and here is my latest recording to prove it. I must go down to the seas again to the lonely sea and the sky. Just wait till that gets on the map. Market Brian Davis. You've had it. G. There's a frog coming up. Where's e? He's in the lookout. Hey, look out. Why? What's coming? Can you see a head? Yes, a dirty big b. A number. Good special. Thank you. Keep your eyes open for Jeff smuggler. Oyo. Captain Hill. Oh my God. Oh, shut up. Those damn chaps. We've got to stop them jovious. They make fools of us. Nonsense. We were fools long before they came along. Demon mag. Did you give that drunken Fanelli on his shirt 16 lashes with a cat? Ay, how is he? He's fine, but the cat's right off its milk. Stand by the forward gun and keep his train dead ahead. When we see the japs, I want to shoot on sight. They won't catch me with my trousers down. Short as my name's Nelson. Nelson? But he only had one. Now you've got two. Yes, I'm twins. Oh, this is the new jocular. Devil may care I saw earn me Julie Devil make her eyes or. Message from the crowd. What new lady three bubble. Sir, this message has just arrived in a lady's stocking cup. Oh, but it must be from Thailand. What was that? Search me. Right Echo. Searching for us. Retro which way did it go? Soon Captain ael's craft was in the heat of a gale. Captain Hudson fire a red rocket. Red rocket against the green sea. How utterly revolting. That's not a green sea. That's a sea that they spell mascot with. And now, folks, hold on to your seats. We give you a revolution then entertainment. Colored radio, full speed ahead in yellow. Sport your helm in blue with pink spots. Japanese boat Jelly Head and a lovely shade of purple Pirate shot across her bows in lemon with a little purple square. This is the news. This morning in heavy fog, an unknown vessel or vessel fired on and sank a British passenger liner. The passengers are all wet. Well, we all make useful mistakes, don't we? However, cheer up there and just send you all home in a merry mood. Here's another of my latest records. This time Iceball singing Joan Sutherland. Should I reveal exactly how I feel? Should I consider if I love you? You've been listening to the Idiot Weekly, an ABC radio type publication with Jim Gussy and the ABC Dance Band and the voice of lyric soprano Patricia Ridgeway. Reporters were Michael New, Cool Eyes, Dull John Newark, Paul Westerman, Rick Hutton and Al Thomas. Their destiny is guided by Idiot in chief Spike Milligan, who also wrote the copy. Wielding the blue pencil, Our producer John McLeod effects John McGrath and Jim McLeod. Control operators sit by to Worth Dale 30s special music Neil Sergate announced to Peter Young. Where are we going to press? At the same time next week with the Idiot Weekly. So make sure if you're a copy by placing an order. Now with your new invitation, It.