Idiot's Weekly - The French Connection

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Idiot's Weekly - The French Connection

Date: May 12, 2026
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode presents a comedic radio play, "Idiot's Weekly - The French Connection," set during revolutionary France. It features rapid-fire banter, absurd dialogue, slapstick humor, and meta-commentary about radio production, all hallmark traits of classic British radio comedy. The show exaggerates historical events and characters, uses puns, and lampoons the conventions of radio drama, often breaking the fourth wall.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Highlights

1. Setting the Scene: Setting Sail for France

• The episode opens with an upbeat, farcical plan to leave for France "by friendship," immediately throwing historical accuracy out the window.
• [01:15] C: "For Van Demon gland the plinth plums of prune. Tonight we leave for France by friendship."

2. The Chaos of Preparation

• There’s confusion over staging lines, who’s missing from the cast, and when to cue screams and effects.
• [01:45] B: "They enter after line 7 like I said originally, but Bluetom isn't here."
• Cast members constantly bicker over timing and script, showcasing the anarchic nature of the production.

3. Slapstick At Sea

• The crew embarks, encountering storms, odd dinner logistics, and absurd animal sightings.
• [03:39] C: "An albatross on the mast."
• [03:41] B: "Is it unlucky? Oh, great. I'm not. I'm not a tourist, you know."
• A recurring gag: confusion over someone needing help in the sea, leading to comedic exchanges.
• [04:00] B: "Help. Help. Someone See? Oh, you. What's the matter? What's the matter? Hello. The sea is full of water and me. Get help."

4. Arriving in France

• With a mishmash of disguises (including wooden legs and treacle), the group makes their way into France, parodying both espionage and historical drama.
• [07:52] C: "Take these wooden legs and tins of treacle. Pour the treacle on your head."

5. French Revolution Nonsense

• The action shifts to Paris with surreal dialogue about the civil war, beards as disguises, and odd references to celebrities and popular culture.
• [09:10] B: "I saw her at the medical inspection. I got used to everybody in the country, sir. Holding tight."
• News headlines are used as punchlines during a mock checkpoint.
• [12:23] B: "Let me see. Strikes in Sydney. Bob Dyer catches first shark in space."

6. Meta-Radio & Breaking the Fourth Wall

• The cast repeatedly discusses the script, lines, and sound effects, parodying radio production itself.
• [13:13] B: "Oh, mon. Oh, mon. Oh, mon. We got him on his tits, mate. Good work, Tim. You've knocked yourself out with a sound effect."
• The section about recording, windows, and coconuts highlights the ad-libbed, behind-the-scenes chaos.
• [19:00] B: "Well, if you record it, you got the spaces in between. Yeah. Record the half life, ain't it? No, no, you can't. It kills the audit. An audience. There it is. Mic as well."

7. Saving the Queen—Sort Of

• A key “plot” emerges: rescuing Queen Marie Antoinette and perhaps the king, executed with physical slapstick and verbal confusion.
• [27:19] C: "Carefully we wrap the sleeping queen and her bed in the large brown paper parcel."
• The group’s disguises and attempts to smuggle the queen add to the chaos, including a human pyramid gag.
• [24:05] B: "Right. Oh, that's on my back. Ruth. Now you get on my back. Isael you on my back."
• [24:29] B: "Ladies and gentlemen, the cost just called the impossible. Would you share your appreciation?"

8. Absurd Historical Revisionism

• The show closes on historical asides, with characters questioning the accuracy of history books and playing with anachronisms.
• [28:11] C: "You are mar."
• [28:14] B: "Yes, Ma."
• [28:18] B: "Good. Don't these history books tell lies?"

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Description | |-----------|---------|-------------------| | 01:15 | C | "Tonight we leave for France by friendship." | | 03:41 | B | "Is it unlucky? Oh, great. I'm not. I'm not a tourist, you know." | | 04:00 | B | "The sea is full of water and me. Get help." | | 07:52 | C | "Take these wooden legs and tins of treacle. Pour the treacle on your head." | | 09:54 | B | "Who's this? Who is this individual? Hey, what are you, man or beast? Tom Danger and his orchestra from the Cock and Bulls..." | | 12:23 | B | "Let me see. Strikes in Sydney. Bob Dyer catches first shark in space." | | 13:13 | B | "Good work, Tim. You've knocked yourself out with a sound effect. Oh, yeah." | | 19:00 | B | "Well, if you record it, you got the spaces in between. Record the half life, ain't it?... It kills the audit. An audience. There it is. Mic as well."| | 24:29 | B | "Ladies and gentlemen, the cost just called the impossible. Would you share your appreciation?" | | 27:19 | C | "Carefully we wrap the sleeping queen and her bed in the large brown paper parcel." | | 28:18 | B | "Good. Don't these history books tell lies?" |

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:42-03:09] – Setting sail, script chaos, and shipboard antics
• [04:00-06:07] – Overboard! The sea is full, confusion and rescue
• [07:52-08:33] – Disguises to enter France, wooden legs, slapstick
• [09:54-11:18] – Arrival in Paris, odd encounters, revolution revealed
• [12:00-14:37] – Checkpoints, playing with news headlines, meta-jokes about props
• [19:00-21:55] – Fourth wall break, discussing recording/mic, ongoing rehearsal
• [23:25-24:29] – The human pyramid and escape attempt
• [27:19-28:18] – Wrapping up: queen in a parcel, history books, final asides

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Summary & Takeaway

This absurdist comedic radio play is a riotous send-up of both French history and the medium of radio drama itself. With anarchic wit, non-sequiturs, slapstick visual gags, and breezy fourth-wall breaks, the cast create a sense of joyful chaos reminiscent of classics like The Goon Show. Listeners will enjoy its playful disregard for narrative logic, as the lines between actors, characters, and crew blur in a flurry of imaginative nonsense.

This episode is a testament to the enduring charm of old-time radio comedy, where the laughter is as much about the journey—and the muddles along the way—as the destination.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

He's not as popular as that, you know,

[C]

Silent steaming cover comic from Van Diemen's land. How long have you been looking for a job from Van Demons land?

[B]

Since Page Wade one mate from the Van Demons.

[C]

Then hark on me. Well, for Van Demon gland the plinth plums of prune. Tonight we leave for France by friendship.

[B]

Friendship, friendship. Not going to die.

[C]

We must have saved La Vladier of their country. Before we do, we will dance the gavotte to Jim Gussie and his flaky three piece quartet.

[B]

Can we have screams after that? Can we have grands after line seven screams and a terrifying run on your way. Is it possible we could do that after? After?

[C]

No, after.

[B]

They enter after line 7 like I said originally, but Bluetom isn't here.

[C]

He was too busy parking the car.

[B]

After line 7, can we have line 7? Line 7. Can we have screens and chats and running away and stick the mule in. Don't tell Jim G. Don't tell him. Just didn't happen. Right. Stomach is in me mouth.

[C]

As long as I don't get no food.

[B]

As long as I don't get no

[C]

further ahead and steal your colony.

[B]

How to pick a bean? I brought your dinner up. The storm is too much. Is it? I can't. How long will a ship be before it gets to France?

[C]

360ft.

[B]

Look up there.

[C]

An albatross on the mast.

[B]

Is it unlucky? Oh, great. I'm not. I'm not a tourist, you know.

[C]

I'm sure.

[B]

Get away from me. What's that?

[C]

The name?

[B]

Are you responsible for birth on the ship here? Not all of them. Not all of them. What is it? I say help. Help. You say there's someone in the sea and I say who? You say you. I said help. What's the matter? Right. Help. Help. Someone See? Oh, you. What's the matter? What's the matter? Hello. The se is full of water and me. Get help. Someone in the city. EO says who? And lim says you. Oh. Did you touch me then? Who? You. Me? Yes. When then?

[C]

Now.

[B]

I Thought you did. Of it. You try that, Earl.

[C]

Straight line

[B]

somewhere in the sea. Oh, you. What's the matter? The sea is full of water and me. Here. Grab my hand on the end of this pole. Takes. My name's Echol. This Paul has been getting around it lately. You've saved my life. Yeah, well, we. We all make mistakes. I know. I've seen your wife.

[C]

You're soaking wet, lad.

[B]

Funny, doesn't he? Really? I say.

[C]

Lord Delphus.

[B]

Look. Lord help us.

[C]

It's the boy from the tavern.

[B]

That's right. Yes. You forgot your drinks. Here's yours. Yours? Large portion of brandy. That's two shillings.

[C]

Here's half a crown.

[B]

Oh dear. I'll go and get you changed. Callous on the arisen horizon horizon the horizon. Callous on the horizon Callous on the horizon and squirrel a scrimming a scrunch. I'm coughing all among his wings that I've got all around his district. I'm glad he's going back.

[C]

Now before we land in front

[B]

we wait for you to write your word and in half an hour he's writing some words. I think he's right. Don't worry, I'm coping all the rubbish this week I'm going to get back to prison. All the evenings that Michael callous on horizon I'm scribbled a scribbler scrunger and I'm copping all the rubbish this week.

[C]

Now before we land in front.

[A]

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[C]

Take these wooden legs and tins of treacle. Pour the treacle on your head.

[B]

And so disguises Duffy apples the trio prepared to reach Paris by wooden lake.

[C]

It was the courtyard of the great shuttle over here.

[B]

It was without time. It was without time.

[C]

And the snow lay heavy on the pe on the slopes of Brigid Bardot.

[B]

Take your seats in the court because there aren't any inside My sh. Pardon me, Shan. My lady friend and I just traveled up from a hotel in the Shah of France. Niece. Well, that's what she read. Sorry. Sh. That's all right. Well, look, I.

[C]

You take line one and

[B]

I Don't want to be personal, but is her beard real? No, son. She only wears you to make herself attractive. Why is that not so done?

[C]

Yes, mom. Darling.

[B]

That's all right. I saw her at the medical inspection. I got used to everybody in the country, sir. Holding tight. The time the call finishes too quick and the bloody horse is like

[C]

very fast. Well, the.

[B]

Who's this? Who is this individual? Hey, what are you, man or beast? Tom Danger and his orchestra from the Cock and Bulls having made. Tom terrific chesty buns.

[C]

I'm not terrific.

[B]

Away with you, mate. What?

[C]

Plague of Flynn and blondes.

[B]

Yes, you. On me, mate. On you?

[C]

Yes it did. It's a small word. I know.

[B]

I nearly fell over this morning.

[C]

You going to?

[B]

No Animal. The old steam, you know. Yes. All the fancy Jas with a name and all that. And the rose on the pillow.

[C]

Where? Oh yeah.

[B]

I didn't bring her. Oh yeah. Have a bit of a person got a white today? D me.

[C]

Michael, Sir. Don't you realize there's a civil war

[B]

on in Paris, old dear? What like? Oh, it must be something there. Wait a minute. Don't you realize there a revolution in parish?

[C]

What's that mate? What's what's that?

[B]

Revulsion. Oh dear. What I do. I can't have a single war on me anymore, mate.

[C]

Don't you say we've got a revolution on our hands?

[B]

What do I do? Stay with us. Stay with us.

[C]

You say you can say odd lines.

[B]

No line six, seven reserved. Yeah. Don't you war in Paris.

[C]

You can stay.

[B]

What I going to do? Well, you got to stay with us, mate, and say odd lines like me, right? Odd line. Odd lines. Odd line. Odd lines. Odd line.

[C]

And so the coach drove on in silence save for the odd noises that horses make. I say you sir, in the corner. This is a non smoking cab.

[B]

I'm not smoking. My teeth are on fire. I'm having a burn off before the dry season and I kindly cast you to belt up.

[C]

By dawn we reach the outskirts of Paris. By 8 o' clock we reach the inskirts. By 9 o' clock we draws up.

[B]

Draws up. Halt. Who goes there? Odd lines mate. Odd lines. Right in the odd lines. You just missed them.

[C]

That's better.

[B]

Now, anyone can I see your papers? Can I see your papers? Can I see your papers? Yeah, but give them back. I haven't done the crosswords yet. Let me see. Strikes in Sydney. Bob Dyer catches first shark in space Andreas. Yes, these peoples appear to be up to date. Voila. Hey John. I'LL give it to you again.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

These papers appear to be up to date. You hit it across the face of the chair. You know I've been doing this for 10 years.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Did you get that? And beat it across. He's got a big size. Not a wooden chair, but one with a padding. That's it.

[C]

It big, big wallop.

[B]

Big wall up. Jimmy.

[C]

He's good at Jimmy.

[B]

I'll vouch for him. Oh, mon. Oh, mon. Oh, mon. We got him on his tits, mate. Good work, Tim. You've knocked yourself out with a sound effect. Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't easy, mon.

[C]

We must hurry. The Paris Commune of citizens will get wind of us.

[B]

We must have a bath soon.

[C]

Make for the chateau. No, du Pape.

[B]

Hurry.

[C]

First let this vibraphone get out of the way.

[B]

Get out of my way. This is a bit flat here.

[C]

That was Johnny Bamford playing. It's his own treatment of the tune. I do hope it gets better. Whatever he's playing. I don't know. I know what think of.

[B]

That's better. Now what do you want?

[C]

Between the devil and the deep blue sea. In the devil and the deep sea Arouses. The rebel informs a people.

[B]

Rebels arouses. He then bought the People's Commune. They were desperate for one. And rebels.

[C]

Drowses who forms people's communes. Communes, whatever. And forms people's communities.

[B]

Citizens and monies. Citizens. Men and members of the Commune. Citizens. The time has come. The time has come. 20 past four. Now gather all this statue of me. Gather all this tattoo map of a map. This is a town script. Never mind. Yes, it is. We must form the Bastille before it escapes. Russell R. This is my plan of attack.

[C]

It looks like a nail.

[B]

It is attack. Yes. No. When we have captured the. When we have captured the aristocrat, we must have. Look.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Now, when we have captured the aristocrats we must have guillotine. Must have a guillotine.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Have a guillotine. Have a guillotine. Have I guillotine? Has anybody got guillotine? No, but he's not very sharp. It will only give you a nick. Nicotine. Yeah. What about this woman? Madame du Barry? Call me at Usher tonight. Well, we'll go back. We'll go back. Right in the credentials. Right. The old favorite. This is a Walker party. Right in the communes. Right in the wall. What? Keep walking like that, but do it slow. Write in the communes. Write in the credentials. Your favorite. What about this woman? What about this woman? Madam? What about this woman?

[C]

Dash it. What?

[B]

Dash it. What? What about this woman?

[C]

What about this woman, Madame du Barry?

[B]

What about this chaplain with this stupid accent?

[C]

Don't worry, Bear.

[B]

I have certain little things for her.

[C]

She'll be taken care of. The power of me, Namdalene, in your

[B]

role as revolutionary Lie and tell all the men Colombesphere matches tonight.

[C]

Something. Needs a very hard.

[B]

Hard standing up to the a fade in the audit bloody sound radio. Go all to the entity without the number of the arrays. That's the effect. You got to start even make it bigger than life because these people are smaller than life. Okay. And right. Is trying to match. Can I. No. Yes. Is there help him on this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Somebody that's helping you.

[C]

I'll help him.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[C]

I'm not on this head.

[B]

Just lift the window up. Even if you did the knock, I'm

[C]

not on that page. I'll open the window.

[B]

The coconut.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Try it now. I'll try it. The lone ranger rang tonight. Go.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Do not be your answers tonight. Right. Michael. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tell me to shut the window, Michael. Who shut it?

[C]

I open it.

[B]

But sir, who put it down upon you Just open it. Recorded. We could play it in, but. You got any objections, make sure it is absolutely. All right. Can you record it? I mean, it's a pretty tricky thing.

[C]

It is.

[B]

Anything good? Can we record it? Can we record this? Wait a minute. Well, if you record it, you got the spaces in between. Yeah. Record the half life, ain't it? No, no, you can't. It kills the audit. An audience. There it is. Mic as well.

[C]

Right. Michael, try it again.

[B]

That was the experiment again. Right. Don't try and make any sign other

[C]

than the one required gallops.

[B]

This is the exact. This is the exact mechanism of it. All. Right. Half to go.

[C]

Same again after the four last years.

[B]

And then the same again.

[C]

Same him again.

[B]

We can't keep changing. Can do it. Right. You explain to Conley. Right.

[C]

Page 11.

[B]

I don't think Conley has the right metabolism to do it in the right spot speed.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Let go. What do you want? Rosary.

[C]

Enjoy himself.

[B]

Right. Can we do it again then?

[C]

Right.

[B]

And Rob Pierre marches tonight. Yes. Rose, be our merchants tonight. Right. Use your left hand if you like. Just push it down. Never mind. We have to lump it is one of those things don't write rehearsal. We have to love it.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Carry on. Then. We get line to line 19. Early morning noon. Time. Line 19. Page 11. Yes. Is your husband in? No, I'll be right up. No, early Morning. And the couple streaks of Paris. Those couple streaks of Paris. Anyhow, We wouldn't have time. He wouldn't have time to come down and give him a hand, would he? Out the back way. You know. You got some close stuff, have you? He's got. Got bad eyesight. Po, girl, come on. That's the end of that conversation. He's a good looking fella. Oh, What my up And. I should think so at this time of the morning. We're pretty. We've come to save the king. Oh, Christ. But he's in the flesh. The Concord.

[C]

He's still on the throne.

[B]

Look at the time. You mean he's still on the. You mean he's still on the throne? No, you got it wrong. You wrong. You mean he's still on the throne? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Do you want anything? Got him. But I haven't.

[C]

They say the palace is surrounded by walls. Come this Talia.

[B]

Disguised as proper. Shut on both sides. Blast. It's shut on both sides. Block. It's shut on both sides. Go to the wall. Okay, get on my back. Right. Oh, that's on my back. Ruth. Now you get on my back. Isael you on my back.

[C]

Oh, right.

[B]

I say, what's this on my back? Who me?

[C]

Then who's at the bottom holding us up? Ladies and gentlemen, the cost just called the impossible. Would you share your appreciation?

[B]

Who was their tender for Bren?

[C]

Bang bang.

[B]

Why don't trust anybody. Oh, oh. Top line, you fool. We're friends of the King and Eric Bones. Friend of the King. Friend of the King and Eric Bones. That's a fact. That's a fact. King Louis and I went to King Louis. King Lewis and I went to the same school. And I say that with no animosity. Had lots of letters from me complaining about the rumors that have been rife about my relationship with royal family France. And people have accused me of spending far too much time abroad. And I tell you this because I tell you. Can we put behind this, very quietly, this Top of page 15? John, can you hear that? Behind the top of page 15, when Eric Bohm is waxing sentimental about Australia. Bring it in very softly and sweetly, right in the background. But stop when he says, I draw myself up proudly and point to my war middles and say Paris any day. This I believe. When you want him to, Doctor, I just told him. I said stop when he says I draw myself up proudly. That's what I said. Didn't I say that? You have these Laws for posterior. No, no, no. You see, I'd like to know. Never mind that. What are you blood doing up that steam wall? It'll throw us here.

[C]

There, there.

[B]

I think.

[C]

No, I. I thought he was trying to speak. Up the top. Then we want.

[B]

I'll say something up there. We want Eckles. Dr. Here is right. You're right, Bobby, you're right. You got three changes of bloody word every five minutes. Yeah. What you listen for? What you listen for?

[C]

I thought I heard a l. Come, men. Let us cross the courtyard disguised as cobblestones.

[B]

Who's that down there? Who's that?

[C]

Me dear lady.

[B]

Who.

[C]

Who are you? It's me dear lady. Who are you?

[B]

Me dear lady? Who are you? I work for Madame du Barry. I'm a dresser. Like being unemployed.

[C]

Tell her the Scarlet Pimple awaits her pleasure.

[B]

Oh, shouldn't that be Bobby's line of

[C]

me?

[B]

Me dear lady. Who are you? I work for Madame de Berry. I'm a dresser. And it's like being unemployed. Would you tell her the Scarlet Pimple know and where? Perplexer. Oh, you too? Well, she split the country with Cl. There's only between us. But then with Cl, it's only the queen asleep in here. Right? Right. Right. Now this is our chance to save her.

[C]

Carefully we wrap the sleeping queen and her bed in the large brown paper parcel.

[B]

Right. To the boat. I'll lead away. I'm frightened of nothing. What's that? Nothing. What's that? What's that? Nothing. I told you I was frightened of it. Ah. Caught in the fall of the crease of the prunes, haven't you, sir? Leave. It's Robespierre. That's Robespierre. You England. Now, where is the fair Madame du Barry? She took the fare and caught the basil. Oh, dear. Ungod. Inhabit them men in. Your open.

[C]

The king. Marie Antoinette.

[B]

Oh, you.

[C]

You are mar.

[B]

Yes, Ma.

[C]

Good. Don't these history books tell lies?

[B]

Knowledge. That's enough. That's enough for number 30. Good enough. Thank you, Pa.