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I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again 63-12-30 (00) Cambridge Circus (pilot)
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I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again 63-12-30 (00) Cambridge Circus (pilot)
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With the American Express Platinum card, you can unlock over 1500 dollars in value annually with statement credits on select purchases and other benefits. So you can access more jet setting and more resetting and downward dog. Learn more at americanexpress.com us explore-platinum Terms apply for dinner. El Chap, feel like taking in a show? Good idea. What's on? What's this Cambridge Circus thing? Oh, Cambridge Circus, that's the Cambridge Footlights Review. A lot of good chaps and parts. You know Richard. Richard Murdoch, Andy Halbert and Kenneth Hall. Richard Murder. Yes. Captain Goes around with Elizabeth Taylor. That's it. And Jimmy Edward. Jolly good. And they're all in this show? No, no, it'd be be a new lot this year. Stars in the making, full of ideas and initiatives. Jolly good. Let's go to the windmill. But for those of you who want to stay with the Foot Dice, they're on the air with an odd assortment of their 1963 review, Cambridge Circle. And first over to the newsroom in Jerusalem 3,000 years ago. Good evening. Here beginneth the first verse of the news. It has come to pass. The seven elders of the seven tribes have now been abiding in Sodom for seven days and seven nights. There seems little hope of an early settlement in the San today. There was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth in the public galleries when a certain Philistine was accused of writing on the wall at Belshazzar's feet a phrase including two four letter words at the weigh in for the big fight tomorrow. Goliath tipped the scales this evening at 15 stone 3 pounds and David at 14 stone 3 pounds. David's manager said this evening the odd stone could make all the difference. News of a happy event in Ramos Gilead early this morning. Zebadiah begat Neymar. And now for news of the weather, over to Nehemiah Armstrong on Mount Ararat. Good evening. Well, it's been a pretty rough week in the Holy Land, hasn't it? Anyway, let's just have a look at the scroll. Now we've got a plague of locusts moving in here from the northwest and they should be in the Tyrone Sidon area about lunchtime tomorrow. Scattered outbreaks of fire and brimstone up here in Tarsus and down here in Hebron down in the south. Well, Egypt had a pretty nasty spell recently. 17 or 18 days ago it was frog followed by nice flies. A marin on the beast. So last Tuesday, locusts are now moving up from the south. Southeast boils further outlook in Egypt. Well, two or three days of thick darkness lying over the face of the land. And then death of all the firstborn. Sorry about that. E. And finally, here are two police messages. Wood Moses last heard of seven months ago on a hiking holiday in the wilderness, though at once to Egypt, where his people are anxiously awaiting deliverance. At the crossroads between Sodom and Gomorrah. Earlier this morning, a Mrs. Lott of no fixed abode was turned into a pillar of salt. Will anyone who saw the accident or can give any information Please ring Revelation 7:7. 77777. Good night. For the next part of our program, we take you over to Rangoon. Here at the Asia Vision song contest. It's time for this year's number one song sung by Rick Shaw and the Nipsters. I don't show you my kindness Lantern fly come for a ride in my rich baby. I'm in a kimono baby, you're much harder than anything in you but here's my heart on a willow pattern plate if it only can. There's a gentleman born every minute you'll find. So we better start now cuz we're slipping behind. Come on and try it. We'll justify helping us by helping us by. And now, Oscar Wilde, take off. So I said to her, what else could I do with an Aspenist? Oh, Lord Lampswick, what scandalous tales you tell. Hush. Here comes mama. Oh, Adno. What a perfect little nice little party this is. Everybody is talking about nothing, but nobody is saying anything. Oh, but we are talking about people, Lady Carcel. Why do so adore talking about people? It is a guarantee that they will talk about people. Right, Lord Lampwick. And Adele, you must go away. I'm hoping to meet Lord Wildworth shortly. They say he is the most wicked man in Fort Isle. It. Lord Wildworth. Lord Wildworth. How perfectly horrid of you to keep us waiting like this. It was so exciting. You have been in the garden. What have you been doing? I have been talking to myself. I confess I was perfectly fascinated with what I had to say. Lord of the SEO album is the wicked man in the wild bed. Oh, don't say that, Lady Carstairs. The truth is always such a bore. But who is that lady over there in the heliotrope with the diamond choker and the ermine ear muffs? Lord Wildworth is your wife. Really? What exquisite taste I have. Remind me to divorce her. I should like to be her lover. Sir, I hear you have been making love to my daughter. Lampwick. Lampwick. Ah, yes, it was merely a joke. It was a most singular kind of joke. I am a most singular kind of person. Ah, you have ravished my daughter. I demand satisfaction. Really, Lord Lampwick, I'm afraid I only make love to ladies. However, now I must be merely dull. I must go at once. There is a new play on at the lyrics they say it is a tremendous success, but I confess I don't remember writing it. No, I'm sure you do. Yes, of course. Thank you. I trust you have enjoyed meeting. Good night, sir. Good night. I suppose I've been dormant at this theater, sir. 50 years now. I've seen all the stars of the old time music hall. I you want to know about them, you just come to me. I'll tell you about them. Because I've seen them. Eddie King, George, Roby, Molly Lloyd, Harry, Norder. They were rotten. How valid is jazz singing? The blending of jazz music with meaningful words is best illustrated in this song by Millicent Kent. Have you ever stopped think about not yet. To find it worse you can get into a soft only half a minute long pronunciation of shadow best feet living on a little grant you anything that you are. 5, 6 and I don't care. And now Elizabethan music hall. Coming today from a mead factory in Wessex. I come in from the house of Mistress Quickly. Mrs. Quickly. Mrs. Quickly. She is somewhat of a fast one. Think on Susan, Jessie neighbor. The house of Mr. Quickley. At the house of Mr. Quickley you get both the board. The board and the lodging. No, no, no. They made it. Truthfully, I've been having trouble trouble with the black death. Wilt thou keep my mother in law out of this? Shall I tell thee a tropical tale? Taste me with a tropical tale. Then I'll tell thee a tropical tail. Tell me a topical tale. I'll tell thee a tropical tale. Thou best taste me the topical tale of to no longer be tropical. Her majesty the queen. God bless. God bless. Whilst descending from a coach the other day into a puddle. Into a puddle right up to her. And she said to the Walter Raleigh what he say? What he say? Where are the cloaks? And he replied first right and follow the rustmatic. So you finish with a song. We're finished with a song. A lute song. A really loot song. It's titled A farthingale hung in barclay square or stop your tittling job. M When the wheel of fortune runs you down and heavens above a dry just step a measure of jest and a thing around and I remember all the world stage that's what the poets say. So that a measure applies to molten boys Are we for the gods? But that's all Much ado about nothing. Give me a lace knot and a placket and a pound or two of fresh show me a bank whereon I'll have a wild pie but through life Samada and I'll play pole till Burnham Wood shall come to dun and when I wrought an rhythm and you come to the end of the night Just a step a measure up a jack and finger round the lie A normie finger around the lie. It's winger. Here's a late football result. Newcastle United 3, Birmingham City 9. And here's one halftime Albion 2. It's a magnificent country. It's so, so big. I should never have thought that the country could have such a. Such an irresistible attraction for me. Ah, the dark continent. Ah, Africa. Malaya, darling. Malaya, Africa. They're all British. Mary, darling. Yes, John, darling? Mary, there's something I must tell you. Yes, Mary? Please don't make it any more difficult for me. It's hard enough as it is. You see, it's been going on for some time now. What has, John? Mary, please try to understand. But I don't. No, you think that you do, but you don't. You see. Do you mean it's all over between us? I mean, I. I. Oh, God. Merit, Merida. Merit. A booty absolutely still to make a sound. What is it, John? The black mamba crawling up your leg. Now, don't move. From taco night in Tulum to sushi in Tokyo. Every bite is rewarding and postworthy with MX. Gold's 4X Membership Rewards points at restaurants worldwide. Wherever you dine, points are piling up. So bring your friends along for your next course. Because it's not all about the posts. It's about the company and the memories. How can gold from Amex sweeten your next food moment? Learn more at americanexpress.com Explore-Gold terms and points cap apply. Please try to understand, Paul. I never want to hear his name again. Paul who? Paul Denny. Oh, Paul Denny. Yes. Now, didn't he marry the Musgrove girl? No, that was Archie Davis. Keep Archie Davis out of this. You know Archie's dead. Dead? Yes. He died in Bombay last week. They can't bury him, though. Oh, why not? The ground's too hard. Look out. So it's all over between us? Yes. Oh, John. It was all so lovely. And Koala Luma in the spring. You remember how we used to wade together through the mangrove swamp and how we used to watch the baby bandicoots frolicking in the NBA. Trees. Did you put the leopard out? Yes. Oh, what a blind, blind fool I've been. I love you. Damn you. I love you. No, John. It's no good. Don't you see? We could never start all over again. It would always catch on with us. It's no use going on pretending. But Mary, it can't just end like this. And now this date. And say looky, looky. Here's the sensational new waxing which has zoomed from nowhere right into the number three spot. Sensational. Chris Passion Fruit. Controversial follow up of Elvis Presley's all time hit Return to Sender. I got a letter in the morning post it really cut me up to the most Got written on the envelope really dashed my hope. I felt the tears rushing to my head because this is what they said they wrote upon it. I'm her magic sister. I wonder, wondered what it could be that I could do for Her Majesty. Then all the ones, it all came clear. It's national production. Why should anybody want my blood? Why should anybody want my blood? The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. So said Edmund Burke or Thomas Burke or some Burke. And nowhere is the search for truth the quest for justice, more vigilant than in our British processes of law. Call the accused. You are Arnold Fitch, Definitely? Yes. You are hereby charged that on the 14th day of July in the 1963rd year of our law, you did willfully, unlawfully and with malice, a falsal assault, one Sydney bottle, a Methodist. How plead you? Guilty or not guilty? Definitely not guilty. Well, I. In this case, my learned friend Mr. Mel Travers appears for the defense and I appear for the money. Mr. Maltravers, I trust your leg is better. I. I haven't hurt my leg, M. I'm so glad to hear that. Please continue, Mr. Bartlett. Thank you, M. The case would appear to be a simple one, Miller. The prosecution will endeavor to show that the sniveling, the praised cowardly wretch whom you see cowering in the dock, returned home on the night of the 14th of July in a particularly vicious and unpleasant frame of mind, had words with his wife and then deliberately assaulted his pet ostrich by throwing a watering can at it. A what? A watering can without a large cylindrical tin plated vessel with a perforated pouring piece, much used by the lower classes for the purpose of artificially moistening the surface soil. Thank you, Mr. Bartlett. Your knowledge is inexhaustible. You are very gracious my lad. If I may continue. The ostrich. The ostrich mulatt. An ostrich. Large, hairy, flightless bird, resident in Africa. Remarkable for its speed in running and much prized for its strength. Feathers. A kind of cat? No, the off taking flight. Flew out of the window and landed on a passing ice cream cart. Ice cream cart? Malad ice cream. An artificial cream substitute. A sweetened, flavored and frozen. Originally invented by the American Indians as an antidote to trench foot. Remarkable. Remarkable. Thank you, M. If I may be allowed to continue. Flew through the window and landed on a passing ice cream cart, thereby causing a small dollop of ice cream. I'm. I'm sorry. I was trying to clear my throat. Thereby causing a small portion of ice cream to fall on the plaintiff, Mr. Sydney Bottle, a Methodist who was hopping past at the time, thereby soiling his new suit. And those, quite simply are the facts of case Malad. A very straightforward one, as I think we will all agree. It would appear, my lord, for the rule laid down in Pritchard against the East Halifax Fishbone Glue Manufacturing Company would apply. Was that the case of the slug in the lemonade bottle, Mr. Bartlett? No, Milad, it was the case of a human cannonball and the kiwi. Ah. That was the Cookaburra case. No, my lord, I think his lordship is thinking of white against Phillips. Mr. Bartlett, that is the case. The case where the aborigine who was about to leave launches boomerang at the dingo that was chasing his kangaroo, had his attention distracted by a lunging kookaburra, causing him to release his boomerang, which struck a passing cover in the outback. An Australian case. Malady. Oh, well, if it is an Australian case, it cannot apply. No, no. If we could continue, I should like to call the first witness. Certainly, certainly. Call Percy Molar. Call Percy Moloch. You are Percy Mola? That is that. That. That. You are a company director of. No. Fix the bird. Yes. You are also a music hall comedian? I am. Are you married? Yes. My wife. Will you, in your own words, please, Mr. Mola, describe your wife to this call? My wife. My wife. She's so fat. She's so fat that when she walks down the street she looks like five dogs fighting in a sack. My wife. Five dogs down the street. She's. She says sack. My wife. Thank you, M. I put it to you. I put it to you, Mr. Mellor, that your mother in law is bald. I accept that. And would I be good at in thinking that? Only I hope My learned friend is not going to lead. I am not. Oh, Mr. Mellor, would it be true to say Mr. Molar, anonymous witness. Learned friend is treating Mr. Molar like a half witness. Now, Mr. Molo, would it be true to say this is really quite intolerable? My learned friend is making a mockery of this courtroom. What is more, me learned friend is neither learned nor me friend. Future my love. With your permission, I shall refer to him as me ignorant enemy. Oh, thank you, Mr. Mer. France is rather witty. Now, if me ignorant enemy will allow me to get a few words in edgeways, I should like. Mr. Bartlett, it's time you retired. Mr. Mola, what has happened to your bald mother in law recently? My bald mother in law? My bald mother in law. She's had rabbit. Rabbit tattooed on her bolder head. Because at a distance they may look like hair. Rabbit. Bunny rabbit's hairs. Thank God. Thank you, Mr. Molo. You may leave the court, Mr. Mola. Thank you very much, Miller. But before I go, I'd like to sing a very, very lovely old English ballad. I don't wish to hear that. Would you kindly leave the court? Let me not set me. I ain't got the baron of mine. Call Arnold Fitch. You are Arnold Fitz. You are Arnold. Could be had something dumb about that man. Certainly, certainly. Would you see to that, please, Ms. Maltravers? Certainly. Thank you, M. Are you Arnold Fitch? Alias Arnold Fitch? Yes. Why is your alias the same as your real name? Because when I do use my alias, no one would expect it to be the same as my real name. Exactly. Yes, exactly. You are a company director, of course. Did you throw the watering can? No. I suggest that you threw the watering can. I did not. I put it to you that you threw the watering can. I didn't. I submit that you threw the watering can. No. Did you or did you not throw the watering can? I did not. Yes or no, did you throw the watering can? No, Christian, I didn't throw it. Oh. He denied it. Call Exhibit A. Mr. Fish, have you ever seen this? Have you ever seen this before? No. No further questions. Will I. Very well. It is now my duty to bring this case to a conclusion. It is certainly one of the most reprehensible I can remember. And indeed, the same might be said of this whole broadcast to which I have been listening with no little inattention. When I think that this wireless time might have been used for a program of ballet or mime or nude tableau. The mind boggle bottle. Boggle, boggle. I therefore pronounce the following sentences. The performers Joe Kendall, Humphrey Barclay, Timbrook Taylor, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, David Hatch and Bill Oddy were also guilty of writing the material, aided and abetted by Anthony Buffery and Christuart Clark, who will be placed on probation. I find the music was committed by Bert Rhodes and his quintet with associate musical director Sean McDonald. In their cases, I am prepared to accept the special plea of guilty but insane. My final word is to the producers of this outrage. Humphrey Barclay and Edward Taylor, you have been found guilty of a bestial offense, and you will be taken from this place to another place of no fixed abode, and there spat upon in the manner to which you have become accustomed. Program a judge.