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I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again 65-10-25 (104) Battle Of The Whispering Mouse
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I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again 65-10-25 (104) Battle Of The Whispering Mouse
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- [00:01]
Narrator
Now, on this Monday evening, the time is 10 o'. Clock. And now we come to the Radio Crossword, a series of programs with squares in mind. I expect you all have the blank crossword in front of you, but if you haven't, you'll find it on page six of this week's Garden Shed Advertiser. As you can see, it's a giant crossword, which means it's rather more difficult than usual. Except, of course, for giants. Anyway, to get you off to a good start, we're going to help you with the answers to one or two clues. One across.
- [00:32]
Interviewer
Curiosity killed for blank. 12 letters.
- [00:37]
Narrator
That's an easy one. Of course. Curiosity killed the hippopotamus. 23. Done. Too many cooks Spoil the blank. Yes, well, we've given that one away. The answer is, of course, blank 14 across. Much loved family of BBC fame. Much loved family of BBC fame. And the answer is. The Daleks. I'm sorry, I'll read that again. There's a misprint there. The Dales. Although I don't know.
- [01:18]
Interviewer
I am worried about Jim.
- [01:28]
Narrator
This is. I'm sorry, I'll read that again. Approximately 30 minutes of cryptic cluelessness written by several. Four across and featuring a number of. 18 down. Come in. Good morning. Good morning. I've got it. Ah, it's you. I don't want any singers. Dance as a comic. Yeah, well, I've got the very act you want. Yeah, they all say that. Oh, well, I have. It's my brother. Yeah. Picture this. There he is, standing on the stage with his hair alight. Right. Eating red hot coals. Right. Standing in a tank of boiling tar, playing Ruby Tanning on the xylophone. How about that man? I see. How much? 1,000 plus expenses. 10,000 quid. You must be joking. Well, he's got partners to think about. Partners?
- [02:15]
Interviewer
Yes, and there's danger money.
- [02:16]
Narrator
Danger money. Look, me boy, if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have gone in for it. No, he didn't go in for it. What do you mean, no? He's held in position by me and his mum. He doesn't actually like doing the act. Well, that's duffed. Oh, one more thing. Get this. He's only 3 foot 4. Blimey, a dwarf. Dwarf? Dwarf nothing. Poor little fellow. He's only seven. And now over to a lonely spot. Thank you. Spot A blasted heath in the Home Counties. The good people of Yobury and Surrey will be sleeping behind locked doors and bolted shutters tonight. And they all say it's because of this man. Here, Mr. Smith, why are the local people so afraid of you and your friends? Primitive fear of the unknown. I see. But you know, since your arrival, several domestic pets, cats and dogs and so on, have disappeared. Have you anything to do with all this? These animals have no place in our plan for reorganization of your planet. You know, I can see a big metal rocket ship in the field behind you, which the local people spoils the view. Has this anything to do with you? We came in it. But where have you come from? We came through infinities of time and space. The hulls of our rocket ships glinting silver and gold in the light of 10 million nameless stars. As we sped at infinite velocity from our home, the planet Zelda. In the 51st Federation of the Galaxy Alpha Centau. Were you not tired after your long journey? We have been conditioned so that we shall not rest until the whole of your planet has been subjugated. Or, if necessary, destroyed. What have the local authorities to say about all this? Nothing as yet. I notice that you're very tall. You must be almost 10ft high. Why? A preliminary skirmishing force of midgets like myself have been landed. Our main invasion party will arrive soon. May I now make this appeal to the citizens of Earth? When our invasion armada lands on your planet. In order to ensure your personal safety and the future continuance of your race, it is imperative that you all go. And I'm sorry, but time seems to have run out. Well, I don't know what to make of all this, do you? But one thing seems pretty plain to me. The good people of Yubre will be sleeping behind locked doors and bolted shutters tonight. Or will be. Good night. Come in, lad. And use the door this time. Open it next time. Shut up. Right. What have you got in your mouth? What is it? Spit it out. I thought so. Put it back in the bowl with the rest of the goldfish. Now, I want to have a serious talk with you. It isn't easy because I'm in a silly mood. However, your mother, my wife, your cousin's auntie, Uncle Charles and a lot of other people are coming to tea tomorrow. And we're going to enjoy a nice, noisy afternoon with the family. Oh, that'd be nice. So don't think you can sneak away to church like you did last time. You evil little beast. Stop wiping your filthy nose on that nice, clean handkerchief. Where do you pick up these dirty habits? Have you been spying on me? Yes. Don't deny it. I distinctly saw you look at me during dinner. Don't Use that language to me. You know I don't understand Italian. I'm sorry. Now, the Watsons are coming around this evening, so I want you to behave properly. I don't want to have to lock you up in the fridge again. I didn't enjoy that, you know. It's just that I always laugh when I'm excited. You can have one glass of Worcester sauce. And you mustn't let people see you're afraid of your father. No. Hiding in the coal scuttle. That's right. And remember, it isn't funny to stuff a cream bun up someone's nostril unless it's your own or your grandmother's. And when Mrs. Watson says goodbye, I want you to kiss her on the cheek. Understand? Yes, I know. She's very tall. That's no excuse for what you did last time. Now off you go. Stop. One more thing. Mr. Hargreaves tells me you've been seeing a bit of his daughter. Which bit have you been seeing? Yes, well, I shall have to have a serious talk with you about that one day when I'm a little older and understand more about these things. Oh, and do you think you could introduce me to your sister someday? And now spot the difference. Did you spot it? Well, the difference was that last time spot went.
- [08:09]
Interviewer
Oh. Good morning. What can I do for you?
- [08:11]
Narrator
I'm looking for a house pet.
- [08:12]
Interviewer
Are you really, darling?
- [08:15]
Narrator
No, actually I, I, I've made one of my silly mistakes. Aha.
- [08:21]
Interviewer
Never mind. We can clean it up.
- [08:25]
Narrator
No, I mean I'm looking for somewhere to live. You see, at the moment I'm in a tiny little room.
- [08:30]
Interviewer
Oh, a box room.
- [08:31]
Narrator
Well, more of a room box, actually. I tried all the housing agencies and then a friend of mine told me to come here. But it can't be right because all you've got is a load of animals.
- [08:40]
Interviewer
No, you have come to the right place. This is our new rent a pet scheme. People can't afford both a house and a pet, so we combine the two.
- [08:48]
Narrator
I say, what a wonderful idea.
- [08:50]
Interviewer
Yes, I got the idea from the tramps. I expect you've seen them filing into London Zoo just before closing time. They never come out, you know. Well, not till morning, that is. They live inside the hippos.
- [09:01]
Narrator
No. Yes.
- [09:02]
Interviewer
Do you know how much spare room there is inside a beast like that?
- [09:05]
Narrator
Well, I never really thought.
- [09:06]
Interviewer
Well, neither did I till I went in to have a look around. There's only a few kidneys and five or six mouth and intestines. And they're Terribly spread out. So what we do is heave them all into one corner, get rid of any unnecessary furnishings like appendix or tonsils and divide the rest up into flats.
- [09:23]
Narrator
Come to think of it, I did notice a new rhino springing up by Marble Arch. That's not one of yours, is it?
- [09:28]
Interviewer
Yes, that's right. There's four families of West Indians in there.
- [09:32]
Narrator
Good Lord. What have you got for me then?
- [09:34]
Interviewer
Well, if it's just yourself, there's some very nice bed sitting. Rabbits. Oh, you could be very cosy in a kangaroo if you don't mind sharing.
- [09:42]
Narrator
Well, I. I have thought of living on the river. You haven't got a houseboat, have you?
- [09:47]
Interviewer
Yes, we have some converted gnus. They're great because you can paddle your own gnu. We may have read about them.
- [09:55]
Narrator
Oh yes, in the newspaper.
- [09:57]
Interviewer
Yes.
- [09:59]
Narrator
I say, you haven't got a little wooden yak with a nice thatched hoof or a camel or something like that?
- [10:07]
Interviewer
Oh, no. You need something big, spacious and simple.
- [10:11]
Narrator
Like an elephant.
- [10:12]
Interviewer
Exactly.
- [10:13]
Narrator
Oh, have you got one in?
- [10:14]
Interviewer
Well, if you look up you'll see that we have. Would you like me to show you around it?
- [10:18]
Narrator
Would you?
- [10:18]
Interviewer
Certainly. No, come back, sir. We never go in the back way. We always go up the trunk. It's further, but it's prettier this way. Flaking up in you go.
- [10:32]
Narrator
A bit of a squeeze, isn't it?
- [10:33]
Interviewer
Here, let me pull you through. That's it. Now turn the light on and up the trunk on the spiral staircase. You can get an escalated fitted if you preferred. It's rather narrow and it's a long climb, but there's a magnificent view from the top. Two more and there we are.
- [10:57]
Narrator
Oh, that's fantastic. What have you? What have you?
- [11:00]
Interviewer
Oh yes, it's rather impressive, isn't it? A bit like the Grand Canyon. So I believe it changes color as he opens and shuts his mouth.
- [11:07]
Narrator
Really? That's marvellous. He must go back quite a way, doesn't he?
- [11:10]
Interviewer
Well, they do say that Charles the First hid behind that left kidney. They say he got in through a secret passage, but we've never found it. But anyway, you can see there'd be plenty of room for you and your family in here.
- [11:23]
Narrator
Yes, the stomach needs relining.
- [11:25]
Interviewer
Oh, well, yes, but we can do that for you.
- [11:29]
Narrator
What's the plumbing like?
- [11:30]
Interviewer
Oh, the drainage is excellent. I mean, it has to be. And we're putting in hot and cold water tap heres and a wash bison over there. And it being an elephant, of course there are four, umbella. Stands.
- [11:44]
Narrator
Right, I'll take it a jolly good. Oh, just one thing. Could you hang a small cage over there by the esop?
- [11:50]
Interviewer
Certainly, but what's that for?
- [11:51]
Narrator
Well, I'll need somewhere to keep my pet bungalow. And now we present another song in our series, Music you laugh at. And this week's guests are those pulsating impersonators of pop Lord de Lump and the Dirty Knights having a go at the folk singers, Older singers who sing old and folk songs sometimes and they sometimes miss. But if they had gone to college and gained a little knowledge then the folk songs that they sung would come out more like this. If Bob Dylan had been sent to Eton and there he had learnt how to sing Though it might have been a shame he'd have had to play the game and we sure you'd hear Bob Dylan sing in this old jolly bo. In with all get out on a river, babe all pull together don't you shiver, babe but if you're feeling seedy and you want to give up the.
- [13:32]
Interviewer
Fight.
- [13:35]
Narrator
Don'T think twice, it's all right. If that young singer Donovan to eat and he had got. I bet the songs he sings would sound like this like as naught, jolly bolting weather. Don't sing it twice. Oh, all right. Poet seekers are a very fine group Three fellows and alas. But you should have heard the literary gems when they sang them in the poetry class in the valley of nephew the gallon 600. There were cannons to the right There were cannons to the left now they live in a world of their own. If folks singers join the school rugby club they'd sing in the bus and they'd sing in the pub and you'd hear in the showers this lovely refrain. Cause Nina and Frederic are at it again. Four and 20 virgins came down from Inverness and when the ball was over there were four and 20 of us.
- [15:25]
Interviewer
The vicar's daughter, she was there she.
- [15:29]
Narrator
Had us all in fit by jumping off the mantelpiece oh, there's an educated fellow with a star of his own and he wrote the greatest folk song that the world has ever known. So now that we've done the folk singers Till the time that we meet you again oh, don't you have no fear here's the words you want to hear it's goodbye from lonely lamp until the next fine way the dirty knights are here again it's time to bring good cheer again With a charcoal and a lair again the dirty knights are here again I say, what are you digging then? What's it look like. It looks like a grave. That's right. Who is it calling for? Me, of course. Not feeling too well? I feel fine, as a matter of fact. But there's no sense in waiting until the last moment, now, is there? That's true. But why are you digging it in your back garden? Well, a front garden's not big enough, is it? No, I mean. I mean, why not have one in the. The churchyard? Oh, well, you see, I'm an agnostic, you see. I see. And there isn't an agnostic church for miles around here. A bit wide, isn't it? For a grave, I mean. Yeah, well, of course, I got to leave room for Florence. That's the wife. You want her laid beside you when her time finally comes, eh? No, no, not really. She's coming with me, eh? She's. She's gonna fling herself on me coffin as they pile in the earth. It's an old Babylonian custom we read about. What, alive, you mean? Yes. Well, in Babylon they was heavily drugged, I believe. The chemist won't let us have any heavy drugs. No. He's awkward, Mr. Harcombe, isn't he? Very awkward, yeah. You've been having me on, haven't you? Pulling my leg. That's right. It's not really a great Odin at all, is it? Oh, of course it isn't. I'm making a little fish pond. Very fond of fish ponds, this, Lawrence. Well, you really had me going for a minute, I must say. Just my little joke, you know. Here, Florence.
- [18:02]
Interviewer
Yes, still. What is it?
- [18:03]
Narrator
Come out here a second. I want you to lie down and check it for size. That's very strange. Where's that ghastly old busker I usually meet about this time in the program? I hear him now. Where are you? Come out. Come on out, you filthy old man. I won't hit you hard. Good heavens. Where did you get that disgusting old coat? I picked it up in Carnaby Street. How long had it been lying there? Only a month or two, I should think. This is my gear. I see. And why are you wearing it back to front? It's my reverse gear. If you can't tell better jokes than that, I'd rather you bored me with one of your appalling songs. All right, I will. All right, I will. I'm going to do a work song and I'll sing, and you will hear all the sounds of the workmen at their work. And how shall I hear that? I brought along six navvies, two carpenters, four bricklayers, a scaffolder and an engine driver to accompany me. All right, lads. Keep it light and sensual.
- [19:20]
Interviewer
Oh, good heavens.
- [19:21]
Narrator
Goodness me. Lordy, lordy, how I work Yes, I.
- [19:26]
Interviewer
Do oh, I'm just going to sing a work song oh, yes, indeed I'm going to sing a work song When I'm working I just can't help singing a work song Everybody seems to work song and the men work when I'm singing oh, yes, here I go Singing a work song Working all day and night Always Next on what you can eat all the time Sing, sing my song Listen to the man work Listen to the. Listen to music Listen to music Listen. Get up.
- [20:09]
Narrator
You ruined my song. You never sing again. Or never. No story has been told quite so often or quite so badly as that of the struggle between the armies of the early American settlers and the red man. Or rather, red men. We all love an old story. So here it is again. We turn back in the book of American history to a page torn out long ago. We found it in the most extraordinary place. It tells of the Battle of Whispering Mouse, a battle that seems to have been forgotten. We want to know the reason why. It had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the course of the war. Oh, well, anyway, this is the story of that battle. A survivor of the Yankee forces was Lieutenant Busby Pintle. He does not sound like a Yankee. Because he was an Englishman. And because David Hatch can't do an American accent. Pathetic, really. Now, to help us tell our story, we are indeed fortunate to have secured Busby Pintle's very diary, and very diary it is too. My adventure began in London. When I boarded the ship on May 3, 1821. I did not realize what I was doing. Never had the number 29 bus seem so slow. And it was not till I was thrown overboard some six weeks later onto a coral reef, that I suspected my mistake. My faithful cat, Beethoven, was thrown after me. To tell the truth, I was glad to be off the boat as I was heartily sick of it and all over being only my fourth voyage and Beethoven's fifth, I waited on the reef, relieving my boredom only by feeding Beethoven to the sharks. I waited until at last a large merchantman floated into sight. And then, together, we both waited for a ship. We were in wretched condition when a sloop caught sight of us. And even worse when a clipper actually stopped to investigate. The third ship actually took us on board. And so I was set upon terra firma. And three months later, I decided to enroll in the American army. It wasn't easy Since I'd landed in Africa. At first I was a raw recruit. But they soon found me some clothes and I joined the artillery. But fate was against me. On my first rifle inspection, I was discovered with a dirty magazine which the Major confiscated and added to his collection. From that day forth, we remained the closest of friends and I was made a lieutenant. Patiently, he began to teach me the ways of soldiering. Is Pintle, what is it? Sir? I want you to help me find my feet. Where did you last see them? No, sir. I want to fight for you. That's very kind. Right then, Pintle, go out and bring us back an Indian. Yes, sir. Excuse me, sir. How do I recognize an Indian? By his feathers. The next day I came proudly back from battle with three partridges and a wild turkey. And so I learned by my mistakes. Now I joined in the fighting. But I believed that Indians were still really Americans. And so, to me, it was always a civil war. Excuse me, sir. I wonder if you'd mind if I hit you at this club. Not at all. Do carry on. Thank you so much. On May 15th, our enemies and ourselves were camped some 500 miles apart. By the 20th, we had marched 120 miles to the east and they had marched 170 miles to the west. By the 26th, we had marched 250 miles to the east and they had marched 260 miles to the west. On the 30th we both turned round and tried again. Two days later we were camped at Whispering Mouse when they surprised us. Lieutenant. Lieutenant. There's 2,000 Indians. Call into Aldous on all fours wherein store hats and singing land of hope and glory. Oh, that's surprising. Very well. Strike camp. Oh, cheeky thing. Private camp. There's no time for that now. The enemy are coming. Get the cannon. It's no good. We've run out of powder. It's all right. You can borrow mine, ducky.
- [25:02]
Interviewer
Thank you.
- [25:03]
Narrator
You haven't got a nail file to too, have you, Lieutenant? They're a common. Right, boys. Bugler, Sound the alarm. That should get them up right into battle. It was at times like this that old Sergeant Horsemeat used to comfort and inspire us with tales of the old heroes of the West. And he was real men. Not like you. Lily livered, bow legged, yellow bellied, cowdly lot of layabouts. There was the great General Custard. And the great backwoodsman Daniel Prune. Known throughout the West. Known throughout the west as Prune and Custard. I remember at Ladysmith we'd Been bottled up for six weeks. But Prune and Custard relieved us. Yeah, they was real men. Not like you. Trembly fingered, dirty rotten and chicken liver, crotchety old Panzers. Ah, the Indians will murder you, Jim lad. How he retained his sense of humor we shall never know. On June 1st, we engaged the enemy. And by June 3rd, the battle was fierce. Oh, only engaged two days in fighting. Already it was at night that everything seemed so frightening. Right, lights out. Look out the window and see what's happening. I think I hear something. Yes. Yes. It sounds like the scouts returning. Shut up, you fools. There's people trying to sleep around here. A few hours later, dawn crept over the hill.
- [26:51]
Interviewer
Darling.
- [26:54]
Narrator
Darling. I thought you'd never come.
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Interviewer
Darling. Darling. I can hear drums.
- [27:00]
Narrator
That's just my heart.
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Interviewer
No, no, listen.
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Narrator
It is drums.
- [27:14]
Interviewer
Enough, Enough. I don't like it. It's too quiet.
- [27:23]
Narrator
It's all right. I know why. Hi. I've forgotten my next line. It's. It's. It's. We shall never know. Major. Major. Here they come again. Right, boys. Stand by. Bugler, blow your nose and use a clean Y. Major. Major. Listen. The Indians are charging the cavalry. Right. That will be seven and six, please. That's ridiculous. It's the wrong accent and it's far too much money. There's only one hope. What's that? Bob Hope. I mean Wild Bill Hiccough. I've sent him for reinforcements. Major. Major. The Indians have got Hiccup. How'd you know? You can hear them a mile away. And so the battle raged. Irrepressible good humor. Sergeant Horsemeat kept up our spirits. You mealy mouthed weak knee. Though cripples. They'll carve you to pieces. We tended to our casualties as best we could, but our surgery was primitive.
- [28:26]
Interviewer
I'm afraid we'll have to give you a blood transfusion. Here, drink this.
- [28:30]
Narrator
Is that. Is that whiskey? No. Blood. By dawn the next day, there were still 1500 fighting Apaches in the field. Whilst our force was down to seven men and the company's pet goat. But they still had a surprise for us.
- [28:42]
Interviewer
They're giving up.
- [28:44]
Narrator
Yes. Look. The Indian guides are coming towards us. They're worse than ours.
- [28:51]
Interviewer
Look, he's holding up a white flag. Right then.
- [28:53]
Narrator
So that's their game, is it? You hold up a white flag too. Right. There we are. Right now. Which is whitest? Theirs is. Careful. Do they do it? Pimple. What's that coming towards me? I think it's a message with an arrow attached. Why did they have to do that. There's 1500 of them and seven of us. What's it say? Please can we have this arrow back? It's the only one we've got. And with that snatch of the signature tune of I'm Sorry. I'll read that again. We close the saga of Whispering Mouse, the smallest epic never made. Featured in the cast of Thousands were Timbrook Taylor, Graham Garden, David Hatch, Joe Kendall, Bill Oddie and a cast of thousands. The writers were Graham Garden, Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook, Bill Oddie, Peter Vincent and David McKellar. The songs are written by Bill Oddie and Graham Garden and the music by Dave Lee. I'm sorry, I'll read that again. Is produced by Humphrey Barclay. Will there be another edition?