Inspector Dover 19xx.xx.xx Inspector Dover - Dover And The Claret Tappers

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Inspector Dover – "Dover and the Claret Tappers"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: January 8, 2026
Episode: Inspector Dover - Dover and the Claret Tappers
Adaptation of Joyce Porter's Golden Age detective novel, dramatized for radio.

---

Main Theme

This episode plunges listeners into a classic detective radio drama featuring the bumbling but shrewd Chief Inspector Dover and his exasperated assistant, Sergeant McGregor. The story opens with Dover's own mysterious kidnapping and sets off a farcical investigation that exposes internal bumbling at Scotland Yard, dives into the British political underworld, and unravels a nefarious string of crimes by a mysterious group called the "Claret Tappers" whose antics escalate to the kidnapping of the Prime Minister's grandson. The episode fuses humor, social satire, and the intrigue of Golden Age British detective fiction.

---

Key Discussion Points and Plot Developments

The Kidnapping of Chief Inspector Dover (01:00–05:39)

• Dover is abducted outside Scotland Yard by two men in a fake taxi.
• Sergeant McGregor learns the "Claret Tappers" demand £100,000 and the release of political prisoners.
• Dover is found unharmed, deposited in a plastic sack by the Old Bailey, with no memory of his captors' identities but plenty of indignation.
• Notable for satirical banter regarding Dover’s reputation and physical state.

Dover (to McGregor): “They slap sticky plaster over my mouth, a sack over my head and off we went. Next thing I knew…I was being bundled into an ass and made to lie face down on the floor in a pokey room.” (07:03)

The Investigation Begins: Canteen, Sandwiches, and Suspicions (07:39–13:29)

• Dover describes his abduction: the suspiciously battered taxi, “twenty” people in a cramped space, and oddly, the sound of an elephant (hinting at a nearby circus).
• McGregor and Dover speculate the Claret Tappers may be student radicals, but Dover primarily obsesses over food.
• The team begins interviewing prisoners who were demanded for release—Archibald Gallagher (a charming bigamist, not a terrorist) and Leslie Whittaker (tattooed shoplifter with a fondness for men), finding no clear links to political anarchism.

Gallagher: “I have, you know. I’m a multiple bigamist. And if you don’t believe me, just ask my lovely rich wives.” (13:22)

The Canteen Plot (“Doped Tea”) Emerges (17:50–21:31)

• McGregor queries how the gang knew when Dover would leave. Dover remembers a mysterious girl who brought him tea and biscuits before he departed.
• Investigation leads to Mrs. Fish, the canteen manager, who reveals newcomer “Mary Jones” worked the shift and hasn’t returned since the incident.

Mrs. Fish: “Mary Jones…odd creature…Only been here a week, knew sweet EP about catering.” (21:13)

Tracing Mary Jones – Leads, Coats, and Red Herrings (22:03–31:38)

• Dover and McGregor visit Mary’s lodgings. Her friend Monmorency gives the first real clue: Mary bought her coat at a shop in Bath called “Crescendo.”
• No one at the shop recalls Mary, and descriptions lead nowhere. At the same time, news arrives the Claret Tappers have struck again.

Monmorency: “She’s got a coat she bought in Bath…with the label from the shop.” (23:59)

Escalation: The Prime Minister’s Grandson is Kidnapped (32:03–36:02)

• The Yard team is assembled. The case turns grave: the new victim is the PM’s infant grandson, Cornelius.
• The child’s au pair is found murdered, adding an ominous twist.
• The Claret Tappers escalate their demands: £500,000 and release of high-ranking IRA prisoners.

Commander: “This time it’s a three-month-old baby…the grandson of the Prime Minister.” (33:16)

Dover’s Reluctant Heroism – The Ransom Exchange (40:15–47:17)

• Claret Tappers stipulate Dover himself must deliver the ransom at dawn on a Salisbury hillside.
• After a comic struggle climbing with moneybags in the rain, Dover discovers the ransom handoff is to a Shetland pony, not a person.
• Humourous banter continues.
• The Shetland pony clue leads the investigators closer to the crooks’ local roots.

Dover: “They’ve left a note under a rock…They want me to climb the Flaming Mountain…these money bags weigh a ton.” (44:11)
Dover: “He’s a bloody Shetland pony. Leather bags on his back and a picture of me on his collar.” (46:28)

Deductions and Revelation (48:02–53:44)

• Dover links all the odd clues—catering staff, coats from Bath, the Shetland pony, and lists of prisoners.
• He deduces that the Claret Tappers are local West Country people, not ideologically driven terrorists; the demand for IRA prisoners was just misdirection.
• The key: Both the bigamist and shoplifter (Gallagher and Whittaker) were tried at Bristol Court on the same day. The Claret Tappers must have been there, taking names as “decoy” releases for their real plan.

Dover: “The Claret Tappers were there the day in court. They just use the names to muddy the waters…they’re no more political than you or me, laddie.” (51:09)

The Capture and Comic Resolution (54:00–56:00)

• The detectives raid a squalid Bristol house, where Mary Jones is identified as part of the gang.
• Dover is hailed a (somewhat reluctant and ridiculed) hero by the press, though the “toilet cop” label rankles.
• McGregor, forever exasperated, narrates his intent to transfer away from Dover’s eccentric orbit.

Press headline: “Toilet Cop saves PM’s grandson. Inspector Dandruff does it again.” (55:15)

---

Notable Quotes & Comic Moments

• Dover: “A fella deserves a beer when he’s been beaten within an inch of his life.” (05:33)
• McGregor: “In the cab? What sort of room was it, sir?”
  Dover: “Never you mind…just a very small room. Without windows. A cupboard. I’ll get a fairy tired. I should be in bed.”
  McGregor: “You are in bed, sir.” (07:22)
• Dover: “I was in the toilet, you bloody fool! But if you breathe a single word, I'll break every bone in your heart and toe.” (10:48)
• Noreen (waitress): “Somebody’s got a healthy appetite.”
  Dover: “Noreen and custard. And some vanilla ice on top. And a cherry. I’ll be lucky.” (17:24)
• Dover: “They want me to climb the Flaming Mountain…And these money bags weigh a ton…I can’t do it.” (44:11)
• Dover (encountering the Shetland pony): “He’s a bloody Shetland pony. Leather bags on his back and a picture of me on his collar. I’m going to give him the ransom now. Here, boy. Here boy.” (46:28)
• Dover (to McGregor): “Now, see if you can work it out while I have some well earned kit. But let’s just say I pinned the…tail on the donkey.” (49:44)
• McGregor (about Dover): “The man is just so unappreciative. Inspector Dandruff does it again.” (56:00)

---

Important Timestamps

• 00:31 – Show introduction: Cast and premise set.
• 01:00 – Dover is kidnapped.
• 05:20 – Dover found unharmed at hospital.
• 07:39 – Dover's account of the kidnapping.
• 11:56 – Prisoner interviews (Gallagher, Whittaker).
• 17:50 – McGregor questions Dover about the canteen tea.
• 21:24 – Mary Jones missing; investigation pivots.
• 23:59 – Monmorency: vital clue about the Bath coat shop.
• 32:03 – Second kidnapping: PM’s grandson.
• 40:21 – Ransom exchange preparations.
• 46:28 – The ransom handoff to the Shetland pony.
• 51:09 – Dover’s key deduction about the Claret Tappers’ identity and motivation.
• 54:37 – Mary Jones confronted, Cornelius recovered.
• 55:16 – Newspaper headline ridicule.
• 56:00 – McGregor breaks the fourth wall, summing up the episode.

---

Language and Tone

• Original tone: Dry, sardonic humor with sharp British wit; affectionate lampooning of police procedural and detective genre tropes.
• Characters: Dover is grumpy and food-obsessed but astute; McGregor is earnest and perpetually harried; supporting roles played for comedy and to lampoon various social types.

---

Conclusion

The episode is a rollicking detective farce, gently mocking the conventions of police dramas with bumbling heroics, red herrings, and a plot driven as much by British class satire and food gags as by forensic deduction. Ultimately, Dover’s eccentric methods and serendipitous clues (and dandruff) aid in outwitting the Claret Tappers and saving the day, even if the Inspector is left grumbling about the press and plotting his next cup of tea.

---

Transcript

[A]

If you're an H Vac technician and a call comes in, Grainger knows that you need a partner that helps you find the right product fast and hassle free. And you know that when the first problem of the day is a clanking blower motor, there's no need to break a sweat. With Grainger's easy to use website and product details, you're confident you'll soon have everything humming right along. Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickgrainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[B]

Well, now it's time for some crime. In our Saturday play. This week we have a dramatisation of another of Joyce Porter's novels about the notorious but luckily fictitious Scotland Yard Detective Inspector Dover. Kenneth Cranham stars as Dover and Stuart Macquarie as his long suffering sidekick, Sergeant McGregor in Dover and the Claret Tappers.

[C]

Chief Inspector Dover? Yes.

[D]

Who wants me?

[C]

Thought we might share a cab.

[D]

Ah, well, that's very civil. Sorry, but bit dark in there. Do I know you?

[C]

No, but you know what a gun is. Get in that cabar off, drop your ruddy brains out.

[D]

I got him.

[C]

Dover and the Claret Tapos by Joyce Porter Dramatized for radio by Paul Mendelsohn. February 25, 1976 from Sergeant Charles MacGregor, New Scotland Yard application for transfer number 251. Four weeks ago I returned to my office after an explosives course and decided to catch up on some paperwork. It being well after 5pm, Chief Inspector Dovar was nowhere to be seen. And then a fellow officer came storming in. Charlie boy, come to the canteen now. Hey, I'm not hungry. This will whet your appetite. Dover's been kidnapped.

[D]

What?

[C]

That wasn't the bit I'm complaining about. Who on God's earth would want to kidnap Dover? Kill him? Yes. Next come with a grudge. Marg Lay. He really catches anyone? Well, apparently he hasn't been seen since he Left here at 8:00 last night. What was the old lard bag doing here that late? Dunno. Everyone just assumed he'd overslept. And Mrs. Dover never reported him missing all night? Well, she wouldn't. No. Anyway, the reason I brought you up here is that the new boss, Commander Brockhurst, is just about to go on the 9 o' clock news. Keep your eyes on the tally.

[D]

Who's here?

[C]

Bun, are you suspicious?

[D]

Here he comes.

[C]

One of our finest, most diligent officers. Snatch while protecting the British public without a care for his own safety. You can tell he's not a Dover.

[D]

You have a note from the kidnappers?

[C]

They call themselves the Claret Tappers. Damnful name. They're demanding £100,000 in used one notes and the release of some political prisoners by dawn tomorrow. Or else they will kill the Chief Inspector. So you think this is political?

[D]

What else could it be?

[C]

To these types, Chief Inspector David is a glaring symbol of the establishment. A so called lackey of the capitalist system.

[D]

Lackey, more like.

[C]

I gather you have a message for these Claret tappers?

[D]

I have indeed.

[C]

I'm here to tell you gentlemen that not a single demand will be met. And nor would Chief Inspector Dover wishing.

[D]

To meet to the Sweeney.

[C]

Now, even with my finely honed skills, I had as yet no idea how CI Dover came to be snatched from outside the Yard without anyone noticing. And then two days later our new Commander came in with some grave news. Sorry.

[D]

Did it bother you, Sergeant?

[C]

Not at all, Commander Broadcast. I was just sifting through the facts on the poor Chief Inspector. Well, there's no need I'm afraid. They just found him in a plastic sack round the back of the Old Bailey. Oh. Oh dear. Any idea how he'd been killed, sir? Who said he's been killed? He's absolutely fine. They've taken him to St. Thomas's for observation. I want you to go round and talk to him. I'd like to meet the brave fellow myself sometime.

[D]

You look like you're in shock, Sergeant. Nurse.

[C]

Chief Inspector.

[D]

Where the hell have you been, Nurse?

[C]

I came as quick as I could, sir. I see they're looking after you. I've never seen you so clean.

[D]

Bunch of incompetence. A lot of them. Nurse.

[B]

Yes, Chief Inspector.

[D]

I want a beer now. Fella deserves a beer when he's been beaten within an inch of his life.

[B]

They found you without a scratch on you.

[D]

You see how clever they were, the swine.

[C]

Commander Broadcast wants you out of here. To and on the case.

[B]

Oh, thank God.

[D]

Who's he? What case?

[C]

Your case. Surely even you ought to be interested in catching these criminals, sir.

[D]

Well, of course I am. But they were a damn clever bunch. Mark my word. 20 of them.

[C]

I reckon that'll be all. Nice. Thank you.

[B]

I'll so tight to speak, babe.

[C]

Could you tell me how it happened, sir?

[D]

If I have to. Give me a fag, I can.

[C]

It's a hospital then?

[D]

Bova won't talk here. Well, I've been working late at the Yard, as is my won't. Doing your bloody work as it happens, laddie.

[C]

Yes, okay. So you left the Yard at what Eight o'. Clock.

[D]

Oh, thereabouts. I just walk in to get my train when this taxi pulled up at the curb.

[C]

Taxi pulled up?

[D]

Swallow a parrot, did ya? So the door swings open.

[C]

Thought we might hear a cab.

[D]

So naturally I starts to move towards the Texan. And just as I'm thinking, there's something a bit fishy here, I feel this poking in my wrists.

[C]

And then this other fella says, get into the cab. I'll blow your ready breeze out. What sort of gun was it?

[D]

What? Eyes in my ass, am I?

[C]

Listen.

[D]

They slap sticky plaster over my mouth, a sack over my head and off we went. Next thing I knew, maybe 10 minutes later, I was being bundled into an ass and made a lie face down on the floor in a pokey room. They locked me in, McGregor. 20 of them there were.

[C]

In a cab. What sort of room was it, sir?

[D]

Never you mind. Just a very small room. Without windows, A cupboard. I'll get a fairy tired. I should be in bed.

[C]

You are in bed, sir. But maybe you could tell me what you recall about the house while we were on our way.

[D]

On our way where?

[C]

Dartmoor. Oh, sorry, sir. Didn't I tell you?

[D]

It's truth. I should be convalescing, not rattling my battered bones on the slow train.

[C]

Well, I brought us a nice flask of hot tea, sir. I brought us a nice flask of hot tea, sir.

[D]

Why are you dragging me to Dartmoor, anyway?

[C]

Excuse me.

[D]

Please come in through.

[C]

As I've already told you, we're interviewing one of the prisoners. The claret tappers weren't released. Do you know why they're called claret tapper, sir?

[D]

No, and I don't care.

[C]

Tapping the claret. It's an old boxing term. It means making a man's nose bleeding. I wonder what sort of political group they are.

[D]

I forgot to ask them how they voted.

[C]

It's silly of me. I just can't understand why they simply let you go. It doesn't make sense. Oh, there's a compartment for.

[D]

Well, have a guess, smarty.

[C]

Thanks. Because they knew we'd find them, eh?

[D]

Try again. Oh, Lord, this is painful.

[C]

The art of kidnapping, laddie, is to.

[D]

Reassure people that if they pays their money, they gets their loved ones back in one piece. Right. They didn't get their dodge for me, thanks to that cretinous new commander. But I reckon I was just, as.

[C]

They say, a calling card. So you think there might be more kidnappings?

[D]

Could be. I mean, these fellas didn't get their mates out of jail yet. Did they?

[C]

Or their luch? Well, I think the clock tappers have been put off good and proper. But can't you remember anything at all, sir? About the house or what was funny about the taxi?

[D]

No. But I do find an empty stomach dulls the brain.

[C]

I'll thank you, son, for works every time. I didn't know what sort of sandwiches you wanted, so I bought three of each. And some Scotch eggs and some crustian. Four cans of beer.

[D]

You're learning something, sunshine. Oh, I remembered about the taxi.

[C]

Get away.

[D]

There was no chart, you know, saying how much the bloody fairs have gone up since last week. And the whole thing looked pretty battered and scruffy.

[C]

Sounds like a secondhand one, doesn't it? Hey, maybe it's students. They go in for those. Can you recall what age the men were?

[D]

We had 20 grand. They know half talk and eat.

[C]

You can, sir. You do it all the time. Crumbs every can. You recall any sounds?

[D]

Church bells?

[C]

Nah. Trains?

[D]

Nah. Did you hear an elephant, though?

[C]

An elephant? Well, there must have been a circus nearby. Why didn't you tell me?

[D]

Didn't ask me about elephants.

[C]

I'll get the yard onto it. Maybe somebody's seen the taxi. Or all those young people. About 20 of them, he said. In the one house at least. Big bruises. Still, just one thing. I don't understand.

[D]

Just one.

[C]

You were there for 36 hours. They must have let you go to the toilet in all that time. You know what with your problems, sir?

[D]

I was in the toilet, you bloody fool. But if you breathe a single word, I'll break every bone in your heart and toe.

[C]

Red body, yes, belong to you.

[D]

Shut it.

[E]

Did you know that parents rank teaching financial literacy as the toughest life skill? That's where Greenlight comes in. The debit card and money app made for families with Greenlight. You can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance and track spending with real time notifications. Kids learn how to earn, save and spend responsibly while parents have peace of mind knowing smart money habits are being built with guardrails in place. Try Greenlight risk free [e-mail] TryGreenlight that's greenlight.com TryGreenlight with the American Express Platinum.

[C]

Card, you can access over $3,500 in annual value with benefits and eligible purchases across travel, entertainment and more. There's nothing like Platinum. Learn [e-mail] Explore Platinum Enrollment Requirements monthly and other limits in terms apply. You'll find our Mr. Gallagher just down here, gentlemen. Who? Archibald Gallagher, sir. One of the men the clad tap was one released.

[D]

Gallagher? Sounds Irish to me. How long's he in for?

[C]

Eight years.

[D]

Eight years? I bung him away to life.

[C]

We don't know what he did, sir. Why the blazes not? There's been a ghost law in the criminal records office. Oh, sir, were any of your captors Irish?

[D]

Dunno, maybe.

[C]

Could have changed their voices.

[D]

Here we are, gents.

[C]

Gallagher, visitors for you. Terrorist if ever I saw one.

[D]

If he gets nasty, Sergeant, you hold him and I'll thump him. I'll leave you gentlemen to it.

[C]

Archibald Gallagher. Archibald St. John Roderick Gallagher, actually. But you can call me Archie. We're police officers, Mr. Gallagher. I'd never have guessed.

[D]

McGregor. Grab his arms.

[C]

Set the arms. I know you. You're the chap who got himself kidnapped. Saw it in the papers. You're Yarmouth, aren't you? No.

[D]

Ramsgate. Dover. That's it. Never you mind coming over all innocent, sunshine. You know why we're here?

[C]

Sorry, Not a clue. We have reason to believe you're in.

[D]

Cahoots with the gang who kidnapped me.

[C]

You're pulling my leg, McGregor. Kick him in the kidneys.

[D]

Shove your fist about his nuts.

[C]

Chief Inspector. Exactly, Chief Inspector. Why on earth should I be connected with this awful gang?

[D]

Who said it was a gang, eh?

[C]

Eh? You did, sir.

[D]

Okay, I've had enough. You terrorists stick together, don't you? Well, you won't. That's what you're in here for, isn't it? Planting bombs, I'll bet. How dare you.

[C]

I have, you know. I'm a multiple bigamist. And if you don't believe me, just ask any of my lovely rich wives. Bigamist Multiple.

[D]

Then why the hell did the kidnappers demand your release from prison?

[C]

Did they? Oh, how awfully kind. I came unstuck at the horse trials in badminton.

[D]

You know badminton?

[C]

Yes, well, one wife too many. Watching the GGs care. Embarrassment. Oh, dear. And what did they say when they all.

[D]

Don't encourage him, Eddie.

[C]

I'm sorry, sir. How long have you been in prison, mister? Call me Archie. Eleven months, three days and six hours, give or take. And you've never heard of the claret tappers? Are they a popcorn? Sounds a bit posh, eh?

[D]

Come on, McGregor. Or I might tap his claret just for the fun of it. Water.

[C]

Well, come back anytime. Give you a rich wife you want to get rid of. Nice to get a bit of fresh air, isn't it, sir? Yeah, funny.

[D]

Haven't seen a wild goose yet and I've been chasing them all ruddy day.

[C]

Yes, well, I don't understand it either, sir. Maybe we'll have better luck in Holloway.

[D]

Holloway. Are you trying to kill me, Sergeant?

[C]

Don't tempt me.

[B]

That's Nesli Whitaker over there.

[C]

The rather large tattooed lady or the one bouncing the ball against the wall?

[B]

Bouncing, always bouncing, that one.

[D]

Well, tell her to stop bouncing and come over here pronto.

[B]

No fear. It's her exercise time.

[D]

It's truth.

[C]

When I'm not walking through all those.

[D]

Women, I recognize that.

[C]

These two I've put away.

[D]

McGregor, you got.

[C]

Yes, sir. Miss Leslie Whittaker.

[B]

Yeah, Peter Copper. Come to quiz me?

[C]

Yes, me and my fat friend.

[B]

You reckon that bench over there will bear his weight?

[C]

Probably not. So what you in for?

[B]

Two ruddy years. Shoplifting.

[C]

Shoplifting?

[B]

Yeah. What did you think? Cheeky boy? And I was set up.

[C]

Oh, dear.

[B]

Oh. Oh, you sounded so sweet when you said that. Listen, the screw reckon Jew was here about that copper kidnap. What the hell's that got to do with me?

[C]

That's what I'm Trying to ascertain, Ms. Critica.

[B]

Ooh, ascertain. Here, you can call me Les. You're not like them other coppers. Most pigs don't blush. Listen, I was fixed up in Bristol by a greasy store detective after his promotion and a bent copper after the usual.

[C]

Bristol? What were you doing there?

[B]

Sightseeing? I ask you, what would I want with 8 transistors and then 4 stopwatches?

[C]

I don't know. Could be bomb making equipment, I suppose.

[B]

Now, do I look like an anarchist or whatever?

[C]

Very nice. Anyway, how long have you been inside?

[B]

I'll be one year next month.

[C]

Oh, well, halfway through. I think. That's all the questions for now, miss.

[B]

Don't you want to take something down and use it against me?

[C]

I don't think no. Anyway, excuse me. Nice to meet you.

[B]

Come and see me when I'm free.

[C]

Well, what have we got then? I don't think she's an anarchist, sir.

[D]

You don't? So why would anyone demand her release?

[C]

Beats me. Oh, could she be a gangster's mole, do you think?

[D]

Ah, good thinking. Why don't you stay and ask her about all her men friends and I'll meet you in the pub across the road.

[C]

Sir. I'd rather not be left alone. No.

[B]

Come to Leslie, Chief Inspector. Would you like anything else, sir? Cause the kitchen's closing in a second.

[D]

Very sweet of you, dear. Couple of apple pies and a swiss roll would do me nicely, thank you, Noreen.

[B]

Somebody's got a healthy appetite. A cream, naturally.

[D]

Noreen and custard. And some vanilla ice on top. And a cherry. I'll be lucky.

[C]

You're.

[B]

If I can carry all that. Oh, Lord. Here's another one.

[C]

Ah, Chief Inspector. Ooh, it's one of those cottage pies. For me?

[D]

No. What did you find out?

[C]

Excuse us. Nor you.

[B]

I'll go warn the kitchen.

[C]

Well, our Miss Whitaker has been a very active young woman. But I've been thinking.

[D]

Oh, Lord.

[C]

Spare me that, sir. How did the claret tappers know the exact time you were leaving the Yard?

[D]

Probably just waiting outside.

[C]

No, they couldn't just hover around. Not even in a taxi. Not for three solid hours.

[D]

Three hours?

[C]

You usually leave at five, sir. We can time our watches by you. Why? Exactly where are you working late?

[D]

Because crime never sleeps. Maybe I did doze off after a few minutes just to rest my brain.

[C]

When might that have been so?

[D]

Just after the girl brought me to tea.

[C]

Girl? What girl?

[D]

Do you mind not shouting, laddie? Putting me off my pie.

[C]

Pies? What girl, sir?

[D]

Enter.

[B]

Excuse me, sir. It's Chief Inspector Dover, isn't it?

[D]

Yes. Who wants it? Only me.

[B]

Commander Brockhurst ordered tea and biscuit. But he's gone out.

[D]

Yeah, so?

[B]

Well, I was wondering, would you like him rather than let him go to waste?

[D]

Don't mind if I do. Oh, look.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Jammy Dodgers.

[D]

Very nice they were too, as I recall.

[C]

But the Commander's office is on the same floor as the canteen. So? So why would she walk two floors down? And how exactly did you wake up?

[D]

Rally phone rang. Right in the middle of this lovely dream. I just. Hey, hang on.

[C]

The tea was doped and they woke you up at 8 on the dot. That's how they knew when you'd be leaving. Now, can you recall what the girl looked like?

[D]

I don't have your interest in girls, Sergeant. Mrs. Dyneville put me right off that. But who at the Yard and want me kidnapped?

[C]

Just pick up the phone. Last thing. Nothing. We better head back to the Yard when I've had some lunch.

[D]

You and your food. No time for that. Lady Dover is on the trail.

[B]

And here's all your puddings.

[C]

I'll just be five minutes, Sergeant. Happily for Chief Inspector Dover, the place to resume the investigation was exactly the place he would have started at anyway.

[B]

Od. Who are you to just walt into my kitchens? Oh, it's Mr. Dover, is it?

[D]

Chief Inspector Dover, madam. Afternoon, ladies.

[B]

Afternoon.

[D]

Scotland Yard tea. Must be one of Britain's greatest Crimes. But you still do a passable cream cake.

[B]

You keep your finger downs for out there, not in here. Same as you. Not that they last long when you're around.

[D]

Rest assured, madam, my sergeant will settle up with you in due course.

[B]

I'll bet. And it's Mrs.

[C]

Fish.

[D]

Well, Mrs. Fish, you're just the poisson I'd like to talk to. That's your French kiddie.

[B]

If it's about all the coppers who pilfer food from here, I think you'd need ruddy Interpol to stop it. Hey, ladies.

[D]

Yell now you mustn't cast aspersions. Know anyone here who could have slipped me some doped tea?

[B]

Doped tea? Don't be dark. We don't even do Earl Grey.

[D]

Well then perhaps you could tell me which young women were on canteen duty last Tuesday evening.

[B]

Young women? Young women won't do the 2 to 10 shift. They'd rather go out and get drunk or pregnant. Or both. Hey, ladies.

[D]

Well, one of them was on duty. Doping duty.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not angry with it. Mary Jones.

[D]

Oh, Mary Jones.

[B]

Yes, I forgot about her.

[D]

Who in the blazes is Mary Jones? Odd creature.

[B]

As I recall, she actually volunteered for the 2 to 10.

[D]

What young girl does there.

[B]

Mind you, she'd only been here a week. Knew sweet EP about catering.

[D]

Ms. Jones woman. Where is she?

[B]

Well, that's the funny thing. She ain't been in since Wednesday. I randy asked to where she's staying and they said she was sick.

[D]

Probably ate your tapioca pudding.

[C]

Madam.

[D]

The address please. Pronto. And I'll send a photo fit man up here so you can give him a description. I've got the bit between my teeth.

[B]

Mrs. And a large dollop of a queen just under your nose. I'm coming, I'm coming. Nearly there. Ah, here I am. Oh, you must be the gentleman from the police force. Somebody a fool.

[C]

That was me, madam. Sergeant McGregor. And this is Chief Inspector Dover.

[B]

The kidnapped one.

[D]

Never you mind.

[B]

You were very brave.

[D]

Oh, yes, I was actually, madam. Strength of 10 when I'm roused. Fought like a tiger.

[C]

Might we perhaps speak with Miss Jones?

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

I'm ever so sorry. Mary's gone.

[D]

Well, why did you say so, you daft trap.

[C]

Boom. Where?

[B]

Well, actually I have no idea. But her friend Ms. Montmorency is upset. Stairs in her room.

[C]

Leave the w. There's a lot of stairs.

[D]

Then run up and get out.

[C]

Sir. Oh dear.

[D]

I may heard a lift.

[C]

I believe this is a room here, sir.

[D]

And what's she doing disemboweling a cat?

[C]

Miss Montmorency. Miss Montmorency.

[B]

Hello. How are you?

[D]

Then? Never you mind who we are.

[C]

We're police officers, Miss Montmorency.

[B]

Oh, dear, have I been playing too loud? I'm a music student.

[D]

But if for me. What do you know about Mary Jones? Mary?

[B]

Ooh. Well, not much, really. We did occasionally go out for a coffee, like. Well, I'm afraid I do most of the talking. It comes of being so much on my own, I suppose, in my little room. Oh, I'm really struggling with Mendelssohn violin.

[D]

Oh, be quiet.

[C]

Miss. Mom. Renci. Have you any idea where Mary might have gone or where she came from?

[B]

Oh, not a clue. But maybe she did tell me. But, well, I've so much music swirling around in my head. Sonatas, Concerto, Symphony.

[D]

Let's go, McGregor. The woman's useless.

[C]

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[B]

I'm glad to be of help. Oh. Oh, she's got a coat she bought in Bath.

[D]

How do you know that?

[B]

Because it's just like mine. See that one on the hook there? But hers has got the label from the shop in Bath you bought it at. Isn't that funny? Do you want to know the name?

[C]

Of course we bloody do.

[B]

Crescendo. It's musical. It means.

[D]

Here.

[B]

What are you doing?

[D]

Taking the coat as evidence.

[B]

It's my only coat.

[C]

Cheese.

[B]

Inspector Cooley.

[C]

What is it, woman?

[D]

Spit it out.

[B]

Oh, there's been a message for you from Scotland Yard. Something about they found the house. Oh, here's the address.

[C]

It must be the kidnap house. You know, the one with the poke light. Yes.

[D]

Yes, you're right. Come on, McGregor.

[B]

Here. How do I stay warm without my cold?

[D]

Burn your violin.

[C]

This is a real puzzler, isn't it, sir? Oh, must be that house there. Well, it certainly looks like an anarchist lair.

[D]

And how do we work that out, sunshine?

[C]

Well, this is a pretty smart street, but that house is all tatty and boarded. And look at all the posters. They're political.

[D]

Chief Inspector.

[C]

Who's this banging on the car?

[D]

No idea. But if you tell him anything about the toilet.

[C]

As if I would.

[D]

Chief Inspector Dover. Inspector Houlton. CRD we reckon we found where you were taken.

[C]

I'll lead the way.

[D]

Smart bloody Alec. Well, help me out, then.

[C]

It matches what you told your sergeant here, Chief Inspector. See? Uncarpeted stairs. And apparently there was constant pop music and an old taxi seen outside. And come and see the biggest crew of all.

[D]

I would be up the stairs.

[C]

Must be something pretty conclusive. Sir. Inspector sees it's just here in the toilet. Oh, that's Rudy.

[D]

Oh, my sergeant's got a dicky tummy. Well, I think I've seen all I need.

[C]

Don't you want to see our find?

[D]

If I must.

[C]

See all that white stuff on the floor. Know what it is? No idea, sir. I'll give you a little clue. It's probably the same stuff that's all over the Chief Inspector's collar and shoulders. Dandruff, tons of it. Ankle deep in some places and none in the rest of the house. Which means.

[D]

We know what it bloody means, sweetheart. And just you keep it out of the forensic report or else. Understood? Any witnesses?

[C]

Couple of neighbours from across the road in the living room. Old chapter exami and a younger woman.

[D]

Then make me a cover and we'll all have a little chat.

[C]

Bit touchy, isn't he? Oh, dear. What can the matter be? One Chief Inspector locked in the.

[D]

Right, you old fella. Start talking. Name? Giphy.

[C]

Major Giffield. Retired.

[B]

And I'm 95.

[D]

95, Mrs. Ewing.

[B]

Are you really major?

[C]

I think so.

[D]

When was the war? Spare me your ruddy memoirs. What do you know about this house and the scum who lived here? Anarchists. Very unsavoured. Just invaded the place about 10 days ago. The sort of young people who could do with a spell in the army. Did I say I was a major?

[C]

Yes. Yes.

[D]

Well, in the old days, the Osbornes used to live here.

[C]

Dead now.

[D]

And then the McCormicks. Nice couple. Dead now. And the baker. We finished this before you die. What happened to the last lot? Left?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Put the house up for sale with no buyer.

[C]

So it straight into.

[D]

And then the hooligans came.

[C]

Just.

[D]

Just. Just walked him. What sort of people were they when I told you? Hippies. Making the racket, scaring the cats.

[C]

You said t. Chief Inspector earlier.

[D]

Did I tell you I was in, Major?

[C]

Oh, really? Which regiment of Gregor dance.

[D]

And I'm 92.

[C]

Dear Lord.

[D]

And there were men and women?

[C]

Oh, yes.

[D]

Yes. One of the young women appeared to me prancing around inside in a totally naked condition. Although the posters in the window did make it difficult to ascertain exactly.

[C]

Exactly. Right.

[B]

You got a little bit of saliva on your chin, Major.

[C]

Thank you, my dear. And how many of them did you say there were? At least 20. They were not all naked, of course.

[D]

See? Told you. 20.

[B]

There were four.

[D]

Four? Never.

[B]

I could have handled three men and a girl.

[D]

Let's call it 11. Anyway, how could you tell I'm a.

[B]

Potter, I use my eyes. I wash their feet.

[C]

You wash their feet like that. Don't say so.

[B]

Feet are an unmistakable sign of character. Well, like yours, chief Expector, I'd say you spend very little time on them.

[D]

Okay, there were four. What else did you see?

[B]

Well, on Tuesday evening, I saw the three men dragging someone from the old taxi. Big, fat chap. I just assumed he was drunk, like they were.

[C]

Well, that clinches it. And what with your dandruff in the loop.

[D]

I'm not warning you again, McGregor. Come on. We've had all we're getting from this lot.

[B]

Oh, thank you. So where are you all through now?

[D]

Bath. Hey, what say Bath? Was one of the girls in the bath?

[C]

Must have missed. Damn chain. This is one thing I don't understand.

[D]

Let me guess. You can't understand. How come those two cons we trekked all over God's earth to see had never heard of the flaming claret tappers.

[C]

And weren't anarchists either?

[D]

There's something jiggling in my brain. The key to the old shooting match. Just can't quite dislodge it. Bit like earwax, really.

[C]

Oh, you should know, sir.

[D]

Okay, Mr. A smart ass. I'll bet you this flaming coat we're carrying with us all the way to Bath will be a dead loss, too.

[C]

Ben Hart never won fair, lady.

[D]

Which is why you're still a ruddy bachelor. Shot. Come on.

[B]

Can I help you, gentlemen? Something for the better half at home.

[D]

What you got in ice picks?

[C]

We're from Scotland Yard, madam. This is Chief Inspector Dover.

[B]

Oh, Are you here in an official capacity?

[D]

No, I'm one of those tranny vestites. Have you ever seen this before?

[B]

Oh. Oh, dear.

[C]

Oh, dear.

[B]

Well, it's not really us, is it? But it was in one of our sales a while back. The owner, Mr. Indianapolis, is trying to appeal to a wider market. God help her.

[D]

A young woman bought this code here. I wonders like it with your label in. Who was she?

[B]

I have no idea.

[C]

Perhaps this drawing we had done might help. Have you seen this woman before? Take your time.

[B]

Ella Fitzgerald. With Ella Fitzgerald in this shop and I missed her. Oh, just my luck. I pop out for five minutes.

[D]

Race artist should be shot. I blame you, McGregor. Ah, you would.

[C]

Madam, may I just use your phone? I have to telephone Scotland Yard to report in.

[B]

I understand, Abbott.

[C]

This picture.

[D]

And it isn't General de Gaulle.

[B]

Look, I have a terrible memory for faces. And we don't even have any receipts, I'm afraid. I suspect we were paid in cash rather than check. Mr. Indianapolis tends to prefer it.

[D]

Damn. We're getting nowhere here.

[C]

I knew.

[D]

What now? Madam, could you make yourself scarce?

[B]

Oh, all right. Excuse me. Oh, I'm coming. Ladies. Oh, that is so you, Mrs.

[D]

It's bad news or another ruddy train journey. I'm not listening.

[C]

The clot tapas have struck again.

[D]

Ah, you see? He told you, didn't I?

[C]

Yes, sir. They are flaming.

[D]

Strike again. I said it. Didn't I say?

[C]

Don't you want to hear who it is?

[D]

Suppose so.

[C]

Who is it? No idea. It's very harsh. Hush. Maybe it's the Commander.

[D]

No negotiations, I say.

[C]

They want us back at the Yard.

[D]

In the house. Ah, but it's late. I'm not a well man, McGregor.

[C]

If pride comes before a fall. Dover was heading for a trip down a bottomless pit. Yet even I was unprepared for the news that awaited us.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Gentlemen and ladies, thank you all for coming. What I have to tell you is strictly confidential. You're not to breathe a word of it, not even to anyone else at the Yard. You're a special squad put together just for this operation. Now, is the need for secrecy. Understood? Chief Inspector Dover. We haven't met.

[D]

No, but I loved your TV broadcast. Thanks a bunch.

[C]

Right, now, as you know, the claret tappers have pulled off another kidnapping. A police officer again, sir? Would that it were. This time it's a three month old baby.

[D]

More fool then two days with a stink and then we're begging us to take it back.

[C]

I doubt it. It's the grandson of the Prime Minister. Now, I hope you appreciate the heavy responsibility this place is on your shoulders, Chief Inspector.

[D]

You're putting me in charge, sir?

[C]

You're putting him in charge, sir? It's the obvious thing to do, really. You're the only one who's been in direct contact with them. You're the only one they trapped in a lavatory.

[D]

That's enough. Well, of course I'll solve it. It's what I do. But really, Commander, you ought to tell the big boys just where the stick it. You're the boss of the murder squad and kidnapping ain't murder, is it?

[C]

I'm afraid it is, Chief Inspector. And the claret tappers killed the au pair who had been left in charge of the baby. And let's get one thing straight, David. Whatever happens, I intend to come out of this business smelling the roses. Dammit. Now, as far as we know, the crime took place around about 10 o' clock yesterday morning in the village where the child's parents live. The child. Cornelius. Cornelius was left in the charge of the au pair. Would the kidnappers have known that, sir? They could have found out easily enough. It was common knowledge in the village.

[D]

But.

[C]

Good question, Sergeant.

[D]

Bloody obvious, I thought.

[C]

Now, the baby would have been outside in the garden in his pram. At some stage during the kidnapping, the au pair girl was shot and killed. Why? We don't know. Maybe she was their inside man, sir.

[D]

Then why the hell would they kill her?

[C]

Well, maybe they didn't trust her.

[D]

Then why do blazes make her?

[C]

I'm only saying. Hey, aren't you two meant to be a team? Anyway, we think they used an old post office van for the job. Virtually untraceable.

[D]

And no windows, eh, MacGregor?

[C]

No windows. Yes, all right. Has there been a note, sir? There's been a message to the church Tyre.

[D]

Looking for a vicar, are we?

[C]

Probably because it's very respectable and they wouldn't have to hit recorder to record it.

[D]

Yeah, well, I knew that.

[C]

The caller said that as no harm had come to Dover, we could expect the same for Cornelius if all their demands are met. But equally, they haven't hesitated to shoot the unfortunate au pair. What are the demands? Stop interrupting. I'll tell you, Sergeant.

[D]

I've told him.

[C]

And you'll be quiet, too. We should start collecting half a million pounds in used fives and tension and await further instructions as to the release of prisoners. And that's the part that's really concerning us. Yes, Sergeant. And there's no need to keep putting your hand up. What would you like us to do, sir? I'd like you to go over every single detail of Chief Inspector Dover's kidnapping. Everything, you understand. We'll sift through it with a fine tooth comb, sir.

[D]

And we'll get cracking on it first thing in the morning.

[C]

For God's sake, man, this is an emergency. Ought to start now.

[D]

I've had no bloody sleep for 18 hours.

[C]

Come back when you've had no sleep for 18 days. Ruddy sadist. Naturally, the Chief Inspector was like a bear with a sore head. And he left me to go through the files while he did some fresh air. Thinking, as he called it. Well, I've never heard the fug in the Star and Garter near closing time. Called Fresh. Chief Inspector. Chief Inspector.

[D]

What is it? Can't you see I'm deep in thought?

[C]

Looks like a doodling to me.

[D]

Well, that's why I'm a Chief Inspector. And you never will be, Alpha.

[C]

Pity's sake.

[D]

Stop sulking and blurt out what you're bursting to tell me.

[C]

I know why Archibald Gallagher and Leslie Whittaker aren't connected. Pray tell. They were just tests. Trial runs for the real thing.

[D]

Not bad, laddie. Maybe I underestimated you. So how did the Claret tappers know their name?

[C]

Oh, please. Prisons are hardly secret.

[D]

Right, well, need to go to the little copper's room. Spend a penny. Copper penny. Don't touch anything on that table, especially my beer.

[C]

I won't, sir. Especially not your beer. Let's have a look. A T H ATH R I S T O L what sort of rubbish.

[D]

I knew you'd be, Adam. Them's my thoughts, not yours.

[C]

Admonton Edmonton. What are you working out, sir?

[D]

That's for me to know and you to find out, isn't it? San Jonah?

[C]

Well, do you think that's quite in the spirit of the Chief Inspector Sergeant relationship?

[D]

Don't care. Shovel.

[C]

Excuse me, gentlemen.

[D]

What do you want, Constable? I'm not buying you a drink.

[C]

No, well you wouldn't, would you? The Commander wants to see you right away. He's outside in the car. Bloody hell.

[D]

We've only just seen him.

[C]

I gather there's been further development. Will I bring your deductions with me, sir?

[D]

No, chuck them away. Got them all in my head anyway.

[C]

Yes, sir, of course I have. Okay. Day ware. The Claret tappers have been in touch again. We're on the move and if you.

[D]

Screw this up, I'll have your back. Don't you worry, sir. Practically you got it sewn up already.

[C]

Half Bristol, Edmonton.

[D]

Shut your mouth. Yeah, what are you two swapping about this time? Nothing.

[C]

Nothing? So where exactly we're going, sir? You're going on the late night mail train stopping at Salisbury. I'm being dropped off at my flat.

[B]

Salisbury? What the bloody hell's in Salisbury?

[D]

The kidnappers.

[C]

They want you to hand over the ransom. Say again? The Claret tappers have demanded specifically that you pay them the half a million quid.

[D]

Me what? I mean, for God's sake. Look, I've done my work and more. This kidnapping's got damn all to do with me. Besides, I'm not fit. The PM will have other grandchildren.

[C]

Listen, Dover, if the carrot trappers want you to hand over the ransom money, then that's it.

[D]

And no bloody honor.

[C]

None of us like it. But some of us are just going to have to make a few sacrifices.

[D]

Well, I don't recall anyone making anybody's sacrifices for me when I was the kidnap Victim can't recall anybody raising so much as a little.

[C]

You ever stop whinging? No, sir, he doesn't. And listen to this. They've demanded the release of half a dozen IRA men. Not just any old Irish terrorist.

[D]

The top ones we've got.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

It's probably a distraction.

[C]

Distraction?

[D]

Keep the old ruddy police force so busy they're too thinly spread to catch the kidnappers.

[C]

I doubt it, Chief Inspector. I think these people are politically motivated. Top ira men for PM's grandson. It's a dilemma worthy of Solomon, isn't it?

[D]

Are you saying I can't handle it?

[C]

No, no, of course not.

[D]

I was just.

[C]

Stop it, you two. Now you stay in Salisbury until the carrot tas give further instructions.

[D]

I've only brought one spare set of underwear, you know.

[C]

Right. The week then, aren't you, sir?

[D]

Suppose so.

[C]

Chicken Spector. Chicken Spectre. Breakfast.

[D]

As you get in my hotel room.

[C]

The manager finally opened it for me. I've been looking for ages.

[D]

Still dark outside. Go away. Come back in a couple of hours.

[C]

I'm afraid of cancer. Try the claret. Tappers have been in touch.

[D]

Oh, yeah?

[C]

This time they phoned a local maternity hospital.

[D]

Say, what's that gonna do with me?

[C]

You're handing over the money, remember? We're meeting the local man, Superintendent Trevelyan, downstairs in the hotel bar. He'll fill us in. Oh, goody.

[D]

Pass me my teeth from Macross.

[C]

Do I have to, sir?

[D]

I'll kiss you if you don't.

[C]

It's quite simple, Chief Inspector. You've got to get the bottom of fish down with the money at 7:30 this morning on the dock. Damn. Coffee's cold.

[D]

Fish down. Inflaming tarnations. Fish down.

[C]

Yeah, see, it's clearer on the ordinance survey. If you could just move your coffee cup. It's right side bung in the middle of Salisbury claim. See, the kidnappers say you'll get further instructions once you're there. Decent of them.

[D]

And who's gonna be there with me?

[C]

No one, sir.

[D]

Come again?

[C]

There's no cover. The Clara tappers have said if they see anyone else, they'll kill Cornelius.

[D]

Who's Cornelius? Oh, him. So you're asking me to drive unaccompanied into some godforsaken place on an empty stomach without even a helicopter.

[C]

That's suspicious, sir. Just hovering about. But I propose stationing one chap in Mucky here on Caper Hill. He'll have binoculars and a two way radio. He'll be able to spot the Pickup and relay it back to us in the car. You read your description of the kidnapper's vehicle and the direction they're taking. Now that car is concealed all along the road. They won't get far. And of course sir, you also have a two way radio concealed in your purse. Oh, will I?

[D]

Very reassuring.

[C]

All right, better get a move on. Come on. Chief Inspector, I wouldn't eat that bit of Scotch egg. I think it's probably from last night.

[D]

This one tiny flaw. Your master plan.

[C]

We've been over it several times. I don't think there is.

[D]

I can't drive. What?

[C]

Go on. I forgot about that.

[D]

I don't see why you couldn't have gone disguised as me.

[C]

They've already seen you, sir. And we're not exactly the same size.

[D]

Well, maybe if you wore a balaclava and pants.

[C]

No, no, sir. Oh, now that must be fish down. It's the only hill for me, Miles.

[D]

Don't see any.

[C]

I know it's pelting down, but surely I must. Is that hill right over there? Is your radio working? Why?

[D]

Do you want the weather forecast? I suppose so much good it will do me if you in that burk of a superintendent are sitting happily in a warm car miles away.

[C]

There'll be a constable on Caper Hill 2 with binoculars.

[D]

Well, if he sights a lesser spotted ty pipic, don't forget to tell me. Okay, sir.

[C]

It's as far as I can go now. The money's in the boot. I think you better get going if you want to make it for 7:30. It's still a bit of a walk.

[D]

I didn't even have any bloody breakfast.

[C]

What the hell's your man doing? We should have heard from him by now. He's probably still awaiting instructions. Or stopped for a nap on the way. Or eaten the bloody money. Coffee, thanks. That's him. Definitely him.

[D]

Bloody hell.

[C]

Chief Inspector, are you there? What's going on? Over.

[D]

I'll tell you what's bloody going on. They've left a note under a rock here. They want me to climb the Flaming Mountain. Over.

[C]

No. Well it's only a hill really. Over.

[D]

It must be three running miles straight up. And these money bags weigh a ton. I can't do it. Okay. Over.

[C]

Give him to me. Listen, Dover, either you carry that money up that hill or you'll stay there in the wind and rain till your bones rot. Over.

[D]

I'm a sick pain.

[C]

Not as sick as you will be. Start climbing. Over. Now. If I say we were still waiting 45 minutes later I do not think I would be exaggerating. I knew I should have gone myself.

[D]

Bloody silly idea. All for one stupid kid. When I get there, they'll probably kill me. I never wanted to be a policeman in the first place. Okay, here we are. Get it over with. Just shoot me sitting down. I've less far to fall. No one bloody here. All this way but nothing. I'm wet, I'm tired, I'm all on my own. Oh my God. What the hell? Now you. I didn't expect you.

[C]

Chief Inspector. What is it? Have you made contact with the Claret tappers? Over.

[D]

Yes, if one of them's got four legs, hair over his eyes and the smell like a trollops suitcase. Over.

[C]

What the hell is he talking about? The climb must have made him delirious. Can you clarify? Over.

[D]

Why don't you talk to him yourself? Here, it's for you.

[C]

What the.

[D]

He's a bloody Shetland pony. Leather bags on his back and a picture of me on his collar. I'm going to give him the ransom now. Here, boy. Here boy. You're giving half a million quid to a Shetland pony?

[C]

Over.

[D]

Well, I'm Dan if I'm paring it down again with me. And he seems to be the only one here who knows what he's doing.

[C]

Who?

[D]

The kid. Go on, scoot.

[C]

You'll pay for this, Dover. Over.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe you can pay for breakfast first. As I recall, we passed a very appealing greasy spoon on the way. Over and out. Lord, I could eat a horse. Huh? Get it? Eat a horse?

[C]

That baby's dead. It will be the tower for you.

[D]

Listen, I did all I was meant to do. Handed the dust to the Cloud chappers. Not my fault if you didn't anticipate they'd be using Pony Express. More bacon, if you will. And make it crispy.

[C]

The Chief Inspector's right in the way, sir. I think we all underestimated the planet's house. Superintendent. Yes, Constable? Have they found the PM's grandson? Not yet, sir, but they have found the Shetland pony. Adorable little creature, apparently. Only small, but very solid.

[D]

Did they make her talk?

[C]

No, sir, but she belongs to Captain Berry over at Gill's farm. It's about three miles from Fish Down. It seems somebody took the animal during the night and kidnappers must have just led her up there and then caught up with her on the way back for her breakfast.

[D]

Greedy little beggar, Apparently.

[C]

What about the money? I'm gone, sir. But there's a message just in from the head of the BBC. I can't remember his name. David Frost, is it?

[D]

Well, Dan, Sammy. They got his kid too. Oh, no, no, no, no.

[C]

A man rang his office and said he wants the six IRA men delivered immediately to the Isle of Anglesey and.

[D]

Released in van for.

[C]

That town is a very long name.

[D]

Very clever.

[C]

Excellent. Hasn't quite solved the crime though, does it? Sergeant.

[D]

Love, you worry, I've done that. Oh, I love a good cup of tea in the morning, don't you? Set you up for today. Where was I? Oh, yeah, it'll all be tied up by this afternoon.

[C]

Just let me finish my brekkie.

[D]

Chief Inspector McGregor, get a car ready for us. Oh, and Superintendent, make yourself useful for once. And tell Commander Brockhurst at the Yard I want a little word with him proper. Anyone eating that toast?

[C]

Do you mind telling me where exactly we're going, sir?

[D]

Don't you worry about that. Just start the car.

[C]

It won't know the way on its own.

[D]

Oh, sake. All right, Peter Pry, we're off to Bristol.

[C]

Bristol? Is that what you were talking to the Commander about when you wouldn't let me listen on the phone?

[D]

Might have been. Amongst other things.

[C]

Can't you just give me a wee bit of a closer?

[D]

I did, laddie, lots of them. He just didn't pick the ruddy things up.

[C]

Oh, Admonton, Bristol.

[D]

Now, see if you can work it out while I have some well earned kit. But let's just say I pinned the.

[C]

Tail on the donkey. Sa.

[D]

No, no, not the toilet. Please, not the toilet. Where are we, Bristol?

[C]

No, sir, but I think I've worked it out. Well, some of it.

[D]

Oh, come on then, Mr. College Degree.

[C]

Well, badminton is where the bigamist Archie Gallagher was picked up, right? And Bristol is where that shoplet Leslie Whittaker was tried. So? So Badminton's near Bristol. I checked on the map while we were at some lights.

[D]

So?

[C]

So they both have been tried at Bristol Crown Court.

[D]

Exactly. And my guess is on exactly the same day.

[C]

What makes you say that?

[D]

Because that's how the Claret tappers knew their names. It's not as easy as you made out to just find out the names of prisoners, you know.

[C]

You mean the Claret tappers were there too, that day in court?

[D]

I'd stake my reputation on it. And they just use the names they heard that day to muddy the waters for us. Like I bet they're using the IRA men now. They're no more political than you or me, laddie.

[C]

Actually, sir, I'm an active member of the Young Shut up.

[D]

So what about Bath? Bath?

[C]

Well, no one committed a crime there. Unless you call fashion a crime. It's where Mary Jones bought her coat.

[D]

Which means?

[C]

Don't know, sir. It means lady.

[D]

They're most probably local. But it only finally all clicked into place this morning when I was on that fishy place.

[C]

Fish down. Click. How so?

[D]

The ruddy Shetland pony. How in 80s would the claret tappers know about the smelly brute and the farm? Unless they were from round here. They're west country people, you mark my words.

[C]

Then shouldn't we be checking through who else was being tried that day? And, you know, finding them?

[D]

Better still, I got some people doing that very thing for us.

[C]

I do wish sometimes you'd share your deductions with me, sir.

[D]

You drive. I deduce that's what makes us such a formidable team, laddie. At least this time it was me doing the donkey work. Donkey work?

[C]

Of course, I had been thinking on exactly the same lines myself, but the Chief Inspector simply doesn't give me the chance to shine. Especially when the Commander is around. Odova.

[D]

You took your time.

[C]

My chopper got here quicker than you did. I had to stop for lunch four times. Which house is it, then? That tatty one round the corner. How do you know that, sir? The chaps here looked through the court records and found this group of yobbos stood out like a handful of sore thumbs. One of them, Mr. Frankie Collins, was accused of of nick in a car. And the rest of the jokers rallied round to give him an alibi. I read the reports. Collins was as guilty as soon. But he got off. Yeah, more's the pity. And we believe this is the last known address. But why would they still be here, sir? If it was me with all that loot, I'd have Scarford straight away. That's where they're cleverer than you, laddie.

[D]

They don't want to spend their days in some stinking South American hole, being fugitives on the run. Oh, no. Their plan is to sit tight and move quietly to some other part. A country where no one knows.

[C]

Yes, all right, Dover. But we don't have them yet, do we?

[D]

Mind if I go around the corner and have a sh. I certainly do mind. We've got. Don't go. Don't run. Don't run. Have your bed for this. I'll go and get inside. What?

[C]

Oh, dear Lord. Yes?

[B]

Can I help you?

[C]

Who the hell are you?

[B]

I live here. Who are you?

[D]

I'm from the Gas Board, madam. I just like Inspector, what the hell are you doing here? Go away. Go away. No.

[C]

You're always telling me to go away.

[D]

Because you're always in the bloody way.

[C]

Well, if I wasn't in the bloody way. Nothing. Whatever. Get done.

[D]

What was that? I. I didn't hear nothing. McGregor. Push her over. Excuse me, madam.

[B]

It's a gate. What's all that noise?

[D]

Gr.

[B]

Oh, hell. How unus.

[D]

Miss Mary Jones. I don't think I ever thanked you for that cup of tea.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, and that must be little Cornelius screeching. This way, Commander. And bring my knighthood with you.

[C]

And that is why I demand an immediate. Hello, Chief Inspector. Recovered from your wee adventure? Did you do this? Oh, Daily Mail. Let's have a read. Toilet cop saves PM's grandson. Inspector Dandruff does it again.

[D]

All right, that is enough.

[C]

At 3pm yesterday afternoon, in a daring rescue attempt, Chief Inspector Wilfred Dover of Scotland Yard solved the case of the kidnapped grandchild. Perhaps spurred on by his ordeal of being trapped 36 hours in an upstairs lavatory without food or water and only his flaky scalp for company.

[D]

I could have gotten medal for this. But because of the toilet business, the powers of me have decided to keep me under wraps. They say I bring ridicule onto the false me. Ridicule?

[C]

Oh, dear, sir. What a pity. I wonder what sort of person would have spilled the beans to the press. Do you think it was the pony?

[D]

I love you, laddie. Just mark my words.

[C]

And that is why I demand an immediate transfer. The man is just so unappreciative. In dover and the claret tappers by joyce porter, chief inspector dover was played by kenneth crannon, sergeant mcgregor by stuart mcquarrie, commander brockhurst crawford, logan noreen and Mrs. Ewins. Joanna tope, inspector horton, nick underwood, leslie whittaker and Ms. Montmorency. Lucy patterson gallagher and superintendent trevelyan. Terry wale and mary jones by laura smails. Other parts were played by members of the castle dover and the claret tappers was dramatized for radio by paul mendelsohn and directed by david ian neville.